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Sunday, November 28, 2010

My Tired Heart Is Beating So Slow.



There must be something wrong with me. I keep losing my friends,it's not even funny. It's breaking my heart.

Tonight,more than ever,I miss my childhood. I miss being so carefree that the hardest choice to make would be which pair of socks to wear.I remember those things. Lacey, ruffled at the edges,where my stick thin shins began. I remember crying because I wanted t sit on a red chair in class and unfortunately, every red chair in the room was taken.

I miss my Dad. I miss him asking me if I wanted an ice cream cone,I miss him throwing me in the air,and catching me just before I hit the ground.The times I spent with him were numbered,each one remembered clearly because they're all rare. I miss the sound of his faded blue jeans rubbing against each other while his feet trailed on the rice fields,hitting dew kissed grass on the way while he carried me sitting on his shoulders,a paperweight porcelain doll clinging on to his tattered baseball cap for support.

I miss my Mom. I miss the way she would reprimand me for forgetting about what she asked me to do again. I miss how she once made me say vinegar over and over again before asking me to buy it from the store,and how her face turned when she saw me walking home with nothing because on the way, I was singing vinegar, vinegar to a tune I made up, and then occasionally sang soy sauce,and got confused about which I needed to buy.

I miss being so innocent that nothing anyone says makes me suspicious. Now, I dissect every word I hear or read and scrutinize them carefully, trying to figure out which is true and which isn't. It's sad how the world makes monsters of each one of us.I used to kick myself silently each time I cursed.Now,I do it as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

I feel so lonely. I just want to curl up and cry,but even my tears refuse me.I regret all the bad things I've said in my life.I wonder what good they did me. I just don't feel myself right now and I hate it. I have this strange feeling of dreading something and wishing time would just freeze,but at the same time,I'm wishing it would just tick away mercilessly so I could get it all over with.


My heart is so broken.


Monday, November 22, 2010

Everythig I Had Is Someday Gonna Be Gone.



Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And, it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So, I tuck you in
Turn on your favorite night light
To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I had, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, and never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And, you're mortified
Your mom's dropping you off
At, fourteen there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But, don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too
And don't lose the way that you dance around in your PJ's getting ready
for school

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

And no one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I had is someday gonna be gone

So, here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So, I tucked myself in and turned my night light on
Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh, I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even you want to
Please, try to never grow up

Oh, whoa
Don't you ever grow up
Oh, whoa
Never grow up
Just never grow up
 
 
 I wish I could put in words how much I miss my parents right now. I was on the bus,listening to this song,and it had no impact on me...until this part:

So, here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So, I tucked myself in and turned my night light on
Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up 
 
 No one knows what I'll be willing to give to have my old life back,where it was just myself,my sister, my father,and my mother. Those times we spent together as a family were very rare and short; you could count it with your fingers. Still, it's what always brings me down. The fact that no matter how hard I try now,I can never have the one thing I want the most, and I will live with this regret for the rest of my life-that when I was little,all I wanted to do was to grow up immediately and move away,and have a life of my own. If I had known back then what I know now,things would have turned out differently.

I'm just having one of those days. I'm just being too emotional, clinging on to the things I can never have, obsessing about the past.It happens to everybody,somehow, but it doesn't change the fact that it's sad.

I thought being an adult would provide me with endless possibilities.I was drunk with the idea of wearing stilettos and actual dresses,going out with friends,the freedom,everything.Nobody told me about the heartaches and heartbreaks,about having to stand on your own,dealing with betrayals and death,losing friends and failing grades.

Now,all I could wish for is to be little again.How I wish I can just turn the hands of the clock back to a certain point in time where everything is still as good as they seem,before I started doubting my abilities,before I stopped believing in myself, back when the walls that surrounded me were the unshakable walls of love,support,and encouragement.

I feel like a little girl trapped in a teenager's body. I'm lost. I'm scared. I don't know what to do.



Friday, November 19, 2010

This Is The Part Where I Break Down And Cry



Where do I begin? I guess I want to say I'm tired of the drama.It seems like a puppy,following me everywhere.


Although I must admit,I never assumed we'd come to this point where there's no turning back,or so it seems. You were my best friend. I was ready to give up anything to stand up for you. I tried my best to be there for you, to help you get through the rough days when your heart was bleeding in fire.I just wanted you to be there.To stay,to keep me company sometimes.But the moment you found happiness, you disappeared from my sight,quicker than lightning, and before I knew it, everything else was different.

I loved her like a sister. Mainia and I-we used to be inseparable, but things change,and people do,too. Before she met this guy C, she was in a personal crisis and  I was always there for her. No, I'm not saying this to count the good things we've done for each other and compare. I'm just trying to paint with words how close we used to be. She was heartbroken,and so was I,so we clicked. We made each other laugh and cry.Then one day, she was gone.She slipped away like I didn't matter at all.

My point is, just because people meet new people,does that mean they have to throw someone away to give space to the new ones? Cause that was how I felt when I realized what was happening. I don't care,call me sensitive,immature,whatever you wish to call me.I felt like she kicked me in the curb just because she now has her "personal bumble bee", and then when he hurt her,she turned to me and said, "blame C, blame C."

That was what got me annoyed. I'm not like some toy that you get to play with again the moment your new one loses its luster.I have feelings,and they're pretty delicate. I give my all when it comes to three things: family, love, and friendship, but that doesn't mean I don't runaway when I see pain.I'm no saint, I'm only human. I want you to be happy, but surely, you can be happy without hurting me.

This whole thing makes me sad. I told her last night the reason why I'm so distant, but I was misinterpreted before I can fully explain. It's not about you coming back to Twitter role play.I don't even go there anymore. It's you coming back to my life.I want my best friend back but it's not that easy. I don't want to ever feel worthless again.

I was trying to bring it all back to the way it was,but healing takes time.I never forgot you. Stop acting like I was the one who ended this friendship.

I was there the whole time. Where have you been?

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

It's Not Much,But We Can Make A Life Out Of It.



 Don't be afraid of death. Be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever. You just have to live.

Faced myself in the mirror early today. I've been spending some time holding my head between my knees,trying to shut everything out. I miss my friends. I miss going on vacations with my family,no matter how short the times I got to spend with them were. Today was my grandmother's birthday,and reality hit me square in the face.She's getting older,weaker,and each minute I spend with her should be priceless. I watched her every move.The way she took a piece of my fish for luch,the way she sipped Coke from my glass. I'm scared cause I don't know how much more time I have to see her like this. I'm scared...

My phone is filled with notes I type late at night when 'm up,trying to drown my thoughts with music. What would become of me? I don't know,but I know what and who I am and who I want to be right now.

I'm young,and I know I shouldn't be scared. Hell, I know what kind of music I want to listen to,and I will blast it out whenever I want,wherever I want. I'm entitled to make as many mistakes as everybody else, wear whatever suits my fancy, say my thoughts aloud.I can dance in the middle of the street and NOT care what strangers say. I can skip school whenever I wish to just because I can. I can say "Fuck Mondays" and I will never wait for Friday,it will come to me. 

I'm young,and I wish I wasn't scared. I wish I could admit to my mistakes and just shrug it all off in the end. I get mad at my friends for doing stupid things WITHOUT me. I hate it that time passes by so quickly,that we barely have time to breathe and watch the world around us because we're all so occupied with our own needs.

I'm young, and I'm scared. I'm scared of not being who I want to be. I'm scared of not blending in with the crowd, when all I really want is to stand out. I'm scared of growing old alone,and I can't wait to fall in love again. I'm scared that Christmas will be lonely just because I have no one special to share it with,and seeing happy couples make me jealous,but I say they make me sad,because I can't admit to jealousy. I'm scared that one day,the world will look at me through my very own eyes and see that I really am no one special at all, just a piece of twig wrapped in pretty ribbons. I'm scared that the future isn't as secure as it once seemed. I'm scared that I might find him.My dork with the black framed glasses, dark, messy waves, suspenders and intelligence.

I'm scared that I'm wanting all the right things at the wrong time. 

I'm scared, cause I know this life is mine, but I might never be able to actually own it.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

My Happy Ending ♥

I know that nobody's perfect,but this won't stop me from hoping that someday,someone who's perfect for me will come.He will be simple, loving, and a gentleman. He will have a great sense of humor and a tender heart that cares for others, and he will not,by any means, tell a lie just to impress me. Every time I'm with him, I will feel safe and fuzzy inside. We will be good together, and good for each other.

Someday,I will fall in love with the right person,at the right time,and for all the right reasons.And when that happens, I will not get so caught up in him that I will forget all the little things I love about myself, like my long,curly hair, the way I love laughing at the silliest things, and how I love spending some time alone. He will help me achieve my little goals every day (like doing something good for another person's benefit at least once a day, and be able to express myself through the smallest things), and support me in pursuing my grandest,craziest dream: to be a published author of a free style memoir.

I may not run into the person I deserve anytime soon,but that's okay. I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm not in a hurry. I know the Prince Charming kind of guy is out there,and he is also looking for me.And when we do find each other,it will be real and wonderful and magical and just unbelievable. And I will know for sure that the long wait-and maybe even the heartbreaks that came with it-was totally worth it.
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