The enormity of it all hit me like a truck: your intermittent goodbye, always hovering, always threatening, but always just almost leaving your patched, pale lips, the hazy blur of the last five years, the jagged glass edges of those memories swimming in my brain. Your quick smile, your lack of patience, the grainy sound of your voice that I poorly remember now...you. Just you, trying to make me as happy as happiness allows, giving in to my whims and demands. Where do I even start? How? Why do I need to?

It has only been five short years, but it feels like you've been in my life forever. Now that I feel your hand slowly slipping from my hold, I wish I knew what to do. I've lost you a million times- to an idea of a better me, to someone else, to bridges I've been burning to keep the past from catching up. But you've always been here, haven't you? You've been that perfect song on the bus when I thought I was going through life alone. You were the perfect stranger's warm smile when I was hiding behind clouds of my own making, so why can't I feel you now? Where are you?

You're a speck of dust I caught in my eyes on the windiest day in history. You'll never know, but you made me cry. More than that, you made me laugh. You made me happy. Why do I feel like now is the time to let you go, when you've always been my hero? You were here once, always. Why did you let me be comfortable with the thought that you'd never leave if you never really planned to stay?

I still love you, but not with the burning kind I felt in the beginning. You still make my heart jump, but I can breathe now. You still say things that make me blush, you still do things that make me want to melt right then and there, but I can get over it now.

I've learned to contain my feelings for you because I realized that if you really care, I wouldn't have to wonder. I shouldn't have had to make excuses to talk to you and to see you all the time. I loved you enough. It was obvious enough, but you just didn't get it.

So now, however sad it makes me, I'm happy to miss the goosebumps....the moments that reshape my eyes into two beating hearts. 

I still love you, but it doesn't hurt anymore.

In bed, nursing what seems to be the world's worst headache, she thinks:

 

It's time to move on from this year long unrequited love.

With a pang in her chest, she recalls how happy he used to make her. The sound of his laughter blending in with hers echoes through her mind, sending a rapture of salty tears down the valleys of her cheeks.

They used to drive around with the windows down, hunting the local shops for things she may like. His left hand, so sire and steady, held the steering wheel so comfortably, while his right reached for her waiting palm, so open to his touch, like waves coming home to the shore. Their eyes would meet for a split second, and he'd catch her gaze and smile, his eyes turning into half moons, before she'd look away, not knowing what to say.

Those were the things that jump-started her heart, fragments of moments that used to make her day.

He was sweet. He was cute when he tried. And underneath all the baggage, sje saw that he had a good, forgiving heart.

And so she fell.

Her world revolved around him. For a year, she hung onto his every word, latching herself into his million watt smile. She let herself go, not knowing whee she'd land, hoping he'd break her fall.

But he didn't, and she was hurt. Badly.

She realized how wrong she was to let herself believe the things she thought she'd seen. He was good, he was great. But he was not in love with her.

For her, he was the sun. To him, she was a star.

It took her a year to open her eyes and finally see reality. She was blinded by his light. He was attracted to her shine.

But he is not the sun.

Here's the truth that I'm trying so hard for anyone not to see: he has this quick, effortless way of hurting me. He says words that cut deep into my skin. Words which, once he speaks, never leave my mind for weeks. He gives me the deepest scars, and I hide them. More than once, he appeared to be less than I perceived him to be, and yet I pretend not to see. I choose to look away because nothing seems to be bad enough to keep me from feeling this way for him. He hurts me, emotionally, deliberately, and I turn the other cheek albeit knowing I deserve better. That I can find better.

The truth is this: he's not mine to lose, but I'm scared of losing him anyway. I'm so insecure and ashamed of myself and he's not helping the case. I see right through him. He's a good person over all, but it's not all the time that he's good. He can be really horrible. I've seen it. And yet, despite all that i've seen and heard, here I am, loving him from afar.

I feel stupid for feeling this way. I keep trying to stay away, to be able to finally move on, but he's really got a hold on me. 

I will not speak about the way your close proximity lights up every nerve ending in me. There's no space for that in my mind, when loudly, I can feel you start to fade from my life, creating this distance made of white noise, silent, but deafening.

You used to hang the moon and hold the stars in my black velvet skies. You still do, and I fear that it will not change for as long as I can look at you and see none of my feelings reflected back to me. There's a storm brewing in you yet again, and I'm trying to have the heart to believe that I will weather it, that I can weather it, and that this, too, shall pass.

Because so far, it always has.

But if this time, it's different, then I'm not gonna anchor you to my shore. There's a world out there for you to see, I guess. I must let you keep sailing, even withoutme, if that's what you need. You might come back like you always do. Or you could get washed away to a different land, one that knows not to limit you to what your eyes could see.

As for me, I'll be here, watching you ride off into the sunset. Remembering how they say ships were not built for safe harbors. So go on, brave the waves. Go find what you're looking for. Come back when you can, if you want to. I'll be the girl with the telescope, waiting for you.

If you could spare me one minute of your time, then that would definitely make my day. I'm no one to you. Your day could end well without me in it. Your life would still be complete if you hadn't met me... And yet, it's not the same for me.

It's astounding, really, how you can change a person's life with them having no effect in how you live yours. You're so clueless, sometimes, I just want to grab a rolling pin and beat you senseless with it. You make me happy. You hurt me. And yet, still, yet, you don't know.

I'm being my best patient self right now. For you. I admit, there are times when I know my life would have been so much easier if I never knew you, but I'd be lying to myself if I said I'd rather have that than be here with you now, wherever we are. Because even with how difficult things are today, you're here, and it matters to me. You're worth it. You matter.

You fund paradise

In someone else's eyes

As I sat, tight lipped

Heart gnawed on by jealousy's sharp teeth

And you looked on

You looked past

And told me

The pain won't last

But oh, how wrong you were.

I hate being up on hours like this, when my thoughts run deep and are on the verge of pushing me to the edge.

I feel more, and I hate that. Life scares me. It's terrifying....but daylight has its way of masking that fear so that I don't see it for what it really is.

But when it's this dark and cold, and my thoughts are free to roam endless roads, I feel it all. Everything I block when I don't have time to ponder. Everything I push away, so that I could hold myself together for one more day.

I'm so tired, and right now I feel like I can't possibly go on anymore, but I will, because I must.

My heart is for lease, if anyone's interested. I'm tired of having to feel all these emotions, all this confusion. I don't think it's worth it anymore.

I'm done trying to keep people in my life when clearly, they have something else in mind.

So my heart is for lease. Take it all away for free if it means I'll feel nothing from then on.

Square windows, kidnapped stars. Dim, unfreckled evening skies. A hole in my heart in the shape of your constant absence, my invariable longing.

Cries for help, still unheard. Stillness as waves crash to the shore, bubbles rising, then fading. Your laughter sinking away, pulled down by the harrowing tides.

Outstretched fingers, barely touching. Desperately reaching for the could have beens, the might have beens, pushing back the insistent hands of a ticking clock. 

Blackness.

One wild heartbeat, one last gasp for air. One fleeting request for room to breathe.

Silence.

Closed fists, clutching the little sliver of life left in my lungs. A strong desire to fight, a ball of fire in the frozen atlantic waters.

One kick, two legs burning to reach what lies ahead.

A steady anchor tied to my bruised ankle, the shape of the charred remains of what once was your extraordinary love.

A sinking feeling, the silver, eerie calm of an ending folded between these heavy sheets of tears. 

Silent promises. Whispered assurances.

One day. One day, you won't matter.

It sometimes just hits me how much I like you. How much I still like you, despite the uncertainties looming overhead. I don't even try fighting it anymore. What's the use? I can't shake you off. Even though it hurts sometimes...Seeing you close with other girls, hearing them make you laugh...I still like you. I don't think anything can change that fact soon.

I can't possibly put into words the way I feel right now. I wish I knew where I stand with you.

Sometimes, all a person ever wants is to get through the day without another soul judging them for their choices, for the things they like, for the way they are.  It's so normal for most of us that we usually take it for granted, but for this one person, if they could come home at night, lay down their bed and go straight to sleep, skipping the overthinking or crying their eyes out part for once, it means the world has granted them one wish, the one they beg for in their prayers at night. For them, it could mean the world. 

People always remind us to be kind, to smile at a stranger because that might just be what they need to live another day, to spare one kind word for our troubled friends, because they need to know that someone still cares, but sometimes, you don't have to do or say a thing to make someone's day. Sometimes, they just need you to go out of your way not to make them feel like a walking mistake. Because feeling like the world would be a better world without you....well, that thought kills.

There are things from our past that will keep haunting us with each step, eachcarefully calculated breath.

There are things we have done that will never be gone despite all the suffering we have already endured to make sure the consequences are over with.

There are words we have said that will echo in our heads until we hear nothing but the nagging tone of our past and future mistakes.

There will be times when there will be nothing we can do about these things but to keep our feet firm on the ground, marching on, enduring every fall. 

Some days will be better than others.

But when there's somewhere you want to go, or something you want to do, or someone you want to be, then nothing should be able to stop you.

Keep moving. It can always get better.

You lose someone, and you spend the rest of your days trying to fill the void they leave in your very soul. One day, you'll wake up and think, finally, you're okay. But some days are better than others. You keep praying to keep your streak, but soon, it all crumbles down, as if only a minute has passed since your heart was ripped from your chest. 

You'll realize that no beautiful places and no pretty faces can make you whole again. You'll realize that no song is sad enough and no movie is good enough to make you lose the emptiness hovering over your head.

You'll spend the rest of your days wondering if suffering and pain really do have an end.

I have lost 

The sound of your voice

Somewhere between

Our senseless bickering

And I now I seek

The comfort of your presence

That I seem to have taken for granted

When you were more

Than just a second blink

Just a chilly breeze

More than a ghost

Haunting me till sleep.

I don't know what it is that brings me here, but I feel so empty tonight. May e I'm just tired, maybe I'm just thinking too much of the future that will come soon enough, anyway, I don't know. I don't know, and that's what bothers me most.

A girl from school passed away recently. A few weeks ago, I found out about her through a common friend on Facebook who posted a get well soon message on her wall. Personally, I didn't know her, and I regret not having the chance.

I found out more about her through my friend, Patrick, who told me that they were classmates in high school. Apparently, she hung herself a few weeks back after her girlfriend left her. She was admitted in the ICU for a while, and it seemed like she was going to recover, and then it all came to an end.

Her Facebook profile is now flooded with messages from all the people whose lives she'd touched. Like I said, I didn't know her before any of this, but it seems to me like she has hundreds of friends. They all ask the same thing: how could a girl, surrounded by so many people who love her, give up so easily on life?

Frankly,I don't understand it as well. I guess I'm not the type who will love a person so much that I'd be happier to take my life than live without them. This incident makes me think, though. Out of all the hundreds of people saddened now by her passing, how many truly devoted the time to listen to her when she needed comfort?

I mean no judgment to any of her friends or family. I'm just asking a question here, cause sometimes, you can be surrounded and loved by a crowd, but you can still feel so alone. So I'm asking. Those times when she was low, even when she wasn't saying a word, did anyone ever really grabbed her hand and said, "I'm here if you need to talk"? 

I wish I could have known her. I wish I could have given her an hour of my time, if only to let her mind wander away from the poisonous thoughts lurking there. I feel like the world lost a star in her passing. She could have made more people happy. I could have made her realize that no one is worth that much that she should leave the world for another person. I could have at least done something to give her one more day.

But we are all so caught up in our own little lives sometimes that we forget one vital thing: the world does not revolve around us. Look around. Every day, at least one of your friends need you. Don't forget to give them a minute, to let them tell you what's going on in their lives. Smile at a stranger and be kind. One random act of kindness could be the last straw they're hanging on to continue pushing through life.

And if you're going through something, don't hesitate to tell someone. Someone will listen. Someone cares. Don't forget that no matter what, you matter.

I can't say excatly when everything started to change. There you were, and then my world shifted, and the things I once thought I knew were suddenly strange again to me.

I have almost forgotten how to feel like this. Like my skin is made of keg powder everytime we accidentally touch, or bump into each other. Like I light up in sparks. Like I'm about to explode.

I don't know what it was like the last time. I only know it's magical with you. When you're with me, I can think of a million things I want to say to you, but I can't think of a single way to begin.

After all, I'm scared.

After all, I could be the only one feeling this way.

I'm bound to get hurt, I know. I'm hoping my feelings will pass with time, but I'm seeing now how things could end up worse, or maybe better.

My cards are good, but I'm scared that I might not play them right.

I'm learning more and more how important it is to be able to control myself with the things I say, especially when I'm mad. I always end up feeling guilty and hating myself for being mean and for thinking out loud all the time, but now, I can proudly say that I'm starting to be more mature and responsible verbally, because words can cut people to pieces more than any physical trauma can.

I hope I can continue this and only improve it with time. It feels really good to know that I'm doung my best to be a better person.

with a sudden rush, i feel

your name scraping up against

the left side of my brain

unexpectedly, you slice

through the walls of my silent fortress

and now with your eyes on me

your lips speaking my name

so sinfully, your melody

my shell trembles

hope springs

and i let you in

through the bloodstained door

where yesterday

i bled

raw.

The sun slices the monotonous Tuesday sky. I sit beside you, a ready accomplice to making a great day out of what has been bleakly given to us. You reach for the radio dial, changing the station. You reach for my hand, changing me.

I don't know which comes quicker: your lazy smile that reaches up your eyes, or its silent, sudden way of putting me at ease at the very first sight. Whatever the answer is, there's one thing I know for sure. I tripped over a wire and fell deeper than I imagined I would. I'm slowly losing at a game I once thought I knew how to play.

You don't seem to notice how my eyes follow you around the room, or how your stare lifts the weight I carry around. You make fun of me a lot, and I take it all in stride, but deep inside, I wonder if you really see me that way. I think about it a lot because I know there are millions of better girls - pretty, smart, sweet things, and yet, you find a minute to share alone with me. That, more than anything, lights up this fire in me.

I don't know where this might lead us. I'm not banking on anything - you might like me back, you might not. That doesn't matter to me as much as it probably should. At least, I don't think it does. I've told myself a thousand times, repeatedly, how the oncoming pain is not worth it, but then our arms accidentally brush each other, and sparks begin to crackle in my skin. You have gotten through me the way very few people have, and everyone notices.

Everyone notices but you.

The truth is this: I'm scared of the way I'm starting to feel about you. I've lived through the most terrible nightmares, and I don't know if I could go through them again this time.

Because I feel like I need to be ready if I'm to ever love you. Because you and me together would be phenomenal, but it's not normal. Because everytime I see you, I only see the good, and I end up failing to convince myself that you're not right for me.

Because whenever I tell myself it's time to give you up, whenever I start losing hope, whenever I begin to believe that you don't see me, will never, ever see me the way I see you, you come around with your grip tight around my heart, reeling me further in, wondering if you ever lose one wink of sleep thinking about me.

Because it doesn't matter if I'm asleep or awake. Either way, you're all I see.

Because for the thousandth time today, I asked myself if you're worth it, and the answer, like always, is yes.

I find it scary to realize that I'm already there, willing to go through hell and back to make you happy.

I wonder

How big a sin

It would be

To admit that I

Have broken my promise

Have broken my safety net

Have broken more than my hips and my wrists

Falling

For a flightless friend.

Go.

RIGHT

I had no idea that I would ever feel this way about you. You were once a small dot on the map of my busy days. A thousand times I walked mindlessly past you, never bothering to do a second take. You were not, unsurprisingly, what I was looking for, as I was not, without a doubt, what you would have settled for. And then our paths got tangled. Our worlds grew smaller, smaller still, drawing us close together. Suddenly, I saw you, and you saw no one but me. Suddenly, what was once impossible has never felt more right.

UP

And so you chased, and so I fell. For the first time in what seemed like an endless, unforgiving forever, I had someone to push me up, stubbornly denying the existence of gravity. You were there, freezing time, unknowingly changing its fluid state. You were there, building cities of light in my tumbleweed chest, planting gardens of hope in my death-reeking faith. There’s no way you’re real, I said, as I followed you with my eyes, firmly believing that once I blinked, you’d be gone. But you chased, and I fell, and I realized, not everyone who falls, falls down.

DOWN

Being with you, it wasn’t much. You made my good days better, but you also gave me the worst ones. There were dark blue nights filled with starry skies, with sleepy whispers on the other line, with the saddest secrets spilled on my pillow in liquid. I could spend all day listening to you speak, weaving dreams after dreams of the too distant future, but I couldn’t stand one syllable of someone else’s name sitting on your velvet lips, resting in your beautiful mind. With this jealousy born of silly, baseless accusations, I drove you out and crashed us down.

LEFT

I had no idea I would ever feel this way about you. I was once the Earth, orbiting your sun, tucking myself up with your warmth. You were the single most prevalent thought in my mind, scattered loose and bundled tight at the same time. I knew you better than I knew my prayers at night. You were my verse, each day’s contented sigh. Stay with me forever, I asked, baring to you my every truth. Nothing lasts forever, you said, not even I. It took me this long to realize, but you were right, and I was left behind.

This is the first line I'll write about you.

I never thought I'd ever be here right now, putting my feelings about you on this word bank. A year ago, we met, and a year ago, you were far from being the very core of my dreams. But look at me now, and look at you. Look at how different things are between us.

There you sit, unaware of the distance between us, of the space I quietly despise. I curl my fingers when the urge to run them through your messy tousled hair hits me with the force of an oncoming train - urgent, sudden, showing no signs of stopping. And then you smile, that bright, hazy light rising its way up to your eyes, filling my stomach with butterflies, warming a seat in the stadium of my heart. This sense of ease that you so effortlessly bring to me unveils thousands of questions in my sleepless mind: Do you know? Do you even notice?

And then I find myself daydreaming. What if you do know? What if you do feel this way too? What then? Will I ever find the courage to tell you as you sit there, unknowingly making me fall in love again?

I didn't think it would feel this good to realize that I'm on the path to total recovery; to know that I'm finally shedding the old hurt that I've been wearing on my skin for the past four years; to feel grief's sharp claws slowly loosening their hold on my slumped shoulders. Finally, I'm out of my own personal Azkaban.