The truth is this: I'm scared of the way I'm starting to feel about you. I've lived through the most terrible nightmares, and I don't know if I could go through them again this time.

Because I feel like I need to be ready if I'm to ever love you. Because you and me together would be phenomenal, but it's not normal. Because everytime I see you, I only see the good, and I end up failing to convince myself that you're not right for me.

Because whenever I tell myself it's time to give you up, whenever I start losing hope, whenever I begin to believe that you don't see me, will never, ever see me the way I see you, you come around with your grip tight around my heart, reeling me further in, wondering if you ever lose one wink of sleep thinking about me.

Because it doesn't matter if I'm asleep or awake. Either way, you're all I see.

Because for the thousandth time today, I asked myself if you're worth it, and the answer, like always, is yes.

I find it scary to realize that I'm already there, willing to go through hell and back to make you happy.

I wonder

How big a sin

It would be

To admit that I

Have broken my promise

Have broken my safety net

Have broken more than my hips and my wrists

Falling

For a flightless friend.

Go.

RIGHT

I had no idea that I would ever feel this way about you. You were once a small dot on the map of my busy days. A thousand times I walked mindlessly past you, never bothering to do a second take. You were not, unsurprisingly, what I was looking for, as I was not, without a doubt, what you would have settled for. And then our paths got tangled. Our worlds grew smaller, smaller still, drawing us close together. Suddenly, I saw you, and you saw no one but me. Suddenly, what was once impossible has never felt more right.

UP

And so you chased, and so I fell. For the first time in what seemed like an endless, unforgiving forever, I had someone to push me up, stubbornly denying the existence of gravity. You were there, freezing time, unknowingly changing its fluid state. You were there, building cities of light in my tumbleweed chest, planting gardens of hope in my death-reeking faith. There’s no way you’re real, I said, as I followed you with my eyes, firmly believing that once I blinked, you’d be gone. But you chased, and I fell, and I realized, not everyone who falls, falls down.

DOWN

Being with you, it wasn’t much. You made my good days better, but you also gave me the worst ones. There were dark blue nights filled with starry skies, with sleepy whispers on the other line, with the saddest secrets spilled on my pillow in liquid. I could spend all day listening to you speak, weaving dreams after dreams of the too distant future, but I couldn’t stand one syllable of someone else’s name sitting on your velvet lips, resting in your beautiful mind. With this jealousy born of silly, baseless accusations, I drove you out and crashed us down.

LEFT

I had no idea I would ever feel this way about you. I was once the Earth, orbiting your sun, tucking myself up with your warmth. You were the single most prevalent thought in my mind, scattered loose and bundled tight at the same time. I knew you better than I knew my prayers at night. You were my verse, each day’s contented sigh. Stay with me forever, I asked, baring to you my every truth. Nothing lasts forever, you said, not even I. It took me this long to realize, but you were right, and I was left behind.

This is the first line I'll write about you.

I never thought I'd ever be here right now, putting my feelings about you on this word bank. A year ago, we met, and a year ago, you were far from being the very core of my dreams. But look at me now, and look at you. Look at how different things are between us.

There you sit, unaware of the distance between us, of the space I quietly despise. I curl my fingers when the urge to run them through your messy tousled hair hits me with the force of an oncoming train - urgent, sudden, showing no signs of stopping. And then you smile, that bright, hazy light rising its way up to your eyes, filling my stomach with butterflies, warming a seat in the stadium of my heart. This sense of ease that you so effortlessly bring to me unveils thousands of questions in my sleepless mind: Do you know? Do you even notice?

And then I find myself daydreaming. What if you do know? What if you do feel this way too? What then? Will I ever find the courage to tell you as you sit there, unknowingly making me fall in love again?

I didn't think it would feel this good to realize that I'm on the path to total recovery; to know that I'm finally shedding the old hurt that I've been wearing on my skin for the past four years; to feel grief's sharp claws slowly loosening their hold on my slumped shoulders. Finally, I'm out of my own personal Azkaban.

My grandma has cancer, and she doesn't know yet. They went for a dialysis a few weeks back, and today, my aunt got the results and told us.

I tried not to cry. I was cutting cake. I wasn't expecting that moment to be something so tragically unforgettable, but it was.

The thing is, just yesterday, life was so simple. My sister and I were in my grandpa's farm, spending some time with my mother's family. There was food when we wanted to eat, and there was laughter and relaxation and pure bliss. And then today, we went home, ate ice cream, watched some cartoons, and the bomb dropped.

I wish I could turn my back on this information. I wish my whole life, so carefully unfolding before me, wasn't irrevocably altered by this hurtful, offensive truth. I wish I didn't feel like bursting to tears every time I look at my grandmother, so frail, yet still the strongest woman in the world. I wish there was some way to make this all just a stupid mistake. I wish there was one specific day I could choose to bring back, but it's all mixed in and nothing special really stands out.

The battle has already began, but the warrior is still without her armor. I'm scared of losing her. She's the one constant thing in my life; my comfort. But eventually, she must go. And if there's any chance of her winning this war, then I'll wage everything to be on her side. But if it's hopeless, if in fate it has been written that she surrenders in the end, then I hope God takes her quick, skipping all the pain. If anyone in the world doesn't deserve an ounce of pain, it's her.

I need to cut you out of my life completely. I need to realize that we, contrary to what I so decidedly believed, were not meant to fit each other as perfectly as we did. I need you to go and to never look back, or maybe you already have, and I need to stop looking for you. I need to stop searching for your eyes in every face in the crowd. I need to stop listening for the swooshing wind, to stop waiting for my surroundings to freeze, to stop expecting to accidentally bump into you on every corner of this cruel, unpleasant world that seems to be stretching the miles between us, so stubbornly keeping us apart. I need to stop. I need to let go, and move on, and just stop looking for you, because if you wanted to be with me, you'd be here by now.

Feeling ko talaga, nakakasurvive lang tayo dahil sa temporary amnesia.

Naniniwala ako na lahat tayo, nagkakaroon nyan at some point. May mga bagay kasi na masyadong masakit, at walang ibang makakahilom dun sa pain na yun kung hindi ang paglimot, no matter the time frame.

May mga ala-ala na pilit nating ibabaon. Unti-unti, hanggang sa magising tayo isang araw under a false security blanket na finally, okay na lahat.

Kailan ba naging okay lahat? One way or another, life sucks, and the earlier you accept that, the easier it will be for you to dodge the oncoming bullets of tragedy, or emotional violence, in the sacred name of self preservation.

Sino ba naman ang may gustong mabuhay na araw-araw nasasaktan? Definitely not us, humans. Pero minsan, wala naman tayong choice.

Eto, I'll be honest here. Kagagaling ko lang sa Facebook account ko, and unfortunately, may mga messages dun na binasa ko na sana pala, hindi ko na ulit binuksan. Pwede naman i-delete, kaso hindi ko rin kaya. Duwag ako eh. Baka kasi yun na lang talaga yung pwede kong panghawakan to someday prove na once upon a time, may puso ako.

Anyway...those messages were nothing special. Most of them, puro "hi" lang. Almost all of them unanswered. Yung iba, two to three years ago pa. Napapaisip ako ngayon, nung time na yun, sobrang busy ko ba talaga at hindi ko man lang nasagot kahit isa? O sinadya ko talagang iwasan sya?

Hanggang ngayon kasi, naaalala ko pa. Yun yung sinasabi nila pag nagmahalan kayo ng sobra, sobra din kayong magkakasakitan. Ganun nga siguro yung nangyari. Nung una, hindi ko maimagine yung sarili ko na in love sa kanya. Pero nung di nagtagal, di ko na maimagine yung sarili ko na in love sa iba.

Pero wrong timing yata talaga. Ma-pride pa kasi kami pareho. At ako pa yung tipo ng tao na takot sa commitment, kaya mas lumalapit, tinutulak ko palayo. Hanggang sa napalakas yung pagkatulak ko, eh hindi na bumalik.

Looking back now, nakita ko na nag-effort naman pala sya. Maarte lang talaga ako. Umayaw lang talaga ako, at believe it or not, that was the one time that I was able to teach myself to move on. Hindi ko kaya noon, pero ginusto ko. Doon ko unang narealize na lahat kayang gawin ng isang taong nasaktan ng todo, walang limitations.

E bakit ang drama ko ngayon, diba? Ang tagal naman na nun. Wala lang. Ewan. Siguro dahil alam kong masaya na sya. Dahil selfish ako at ayoko yung pakiramdam na napalitan na ako, kahit gano pa katagal yun. Siguro dahil sa iilang beses na totoo akong naging masaya, karamihan dun kasama ko sya.

Siguro dahil December na naman. Masyadong maraming ala-ala.

Plans.

Get a diploma
Work abroad
Fight for equality
Be an animal rights activist
Put up an animal adoption shelter
Own a patisserie
Buy lots of shoes
Have a home library
Meet a lot of people
Fall in love
Watch the sunrise from a mountain top
And see it set over the sea
Travel the world
Play tag with children
Have children of my own
Help my family
Read a thousand books
Dye my hair the color of crazy
Take a picture of the Eiffel Tower
 Die in my sleep peacefully.

Nung isang linggo, dumaan sa Pilipinas yung pinakamalakas daw na bagyo sa buong mundo. yung hangin na dala nya, katumbas ng tatlong beses na lakas ng buhawi. Kaya hindi nakapagtataka na halos mabura sa mapa yung mga tinamaang lugar sa Visayas.

Meron daw dun, isang kapilya na nanatiling nakatayo. Hindi naapektuhan, ganun siguro. Pero nabasa ko kailan lang na yung mga tao raw sa kapilya na to, tinanggihan na papasukin man lang yung mga survivors dun na hindi miyembro ng relihiyon nila.

Kung totoo man yung nabasa ko na yun, ang unang pumapasok sa isip ko na sabihin sa kanila? Nakakahiya po kayo. Sinasabi nila na intindihin daw sila. Ginawa daw nila yun bilang respeto sa Dyos at sa relihiyon na rin nila. Hindi naman po a binabastos ko yung relihiyon ninyo, pero kung ganyan po yung paniniwala nyo, na parang wala kayong pagpapahalaga sa kapwa nyo, e hindi ko po maintindihan kung bakit hanggang ngayon may mga miyembro pa kayo. Kahit gaano karaming bigas, damit, tubig at pagkain ang ibigay nyo ngayon sa mga kababayan natin sa Visayas, hindi nun matatakpan yung minsang pinagdamutan nyo sila ng masisilungan. Eto naman e kung totoo lang naman yung nabasa ko, hano po?

Tapos meron pa dyan, sa Facebook at Twitter, yung mga mababait kunwari na puro sinasabi e kawawa naman daw yung mga kababayan natin sa Visayas. Kung mga isang bwan lang e puro ganun ang ipopost ng mga yan. Pero once na may madaanan na donation center, kahit limang pisong kupi, hindi makuhang maghulog. Utang na loob. tigilan ang panggagamit sa pangit na sitwasyon para magpaganda ng reputasyon.

Kung talagang naaawa kayo, may paraan para makatulong kayo. Kahit isang sardinas lang oh. O kaya tumulong kayo magrepack nung mga donation para mas madaling maiparating sa kanila dun. Tama na yang paupo-upo at panood-nood lang sa TV ng mga nangyayari, tapos pareact-react na kala mo sobrang apektado. Kung talagang apektado ka, marami kang pwedeng gawin para maging bahagi ng pagbangon nila. hindi sa nagmamainam ako. Tatlong oras mahigit lang akong nagrepack dun sa Red Cross at sa totoo lang wala pa kong naibibigay na donasyon. Pero kumikilos na rin kami at ginagawa lahat para kahit papano makatulong kami sa mga kababayan natin. Maraming paraan. Please lang, gumawa tayo kahit isa lang.

Kung bawat isa sa atin mag-aabot ng tulong sa Visayas, saglit lang, makakabangon na ulit sila dun. Kaya please, please lang. Tulong na. Tabang na. tayo na. Boom boom pow.