Nalulungkot na naman ako. Umuulan na naman kasi. Naaalala ko na naman kasi lahat ng bagay na isa-isa kong pilit kinalimutan. Akala ko ba, pag ginusto mo, makakaya mo? Hindi naman yata. Matagal-tagal ko na ring niloloko yung sarili ko, pero hanggang ngayon, hindi pa ako ganun kakumbinsido.

Ang hirap sa isip ko, ayaw nyang tumigil eh. Ikot ng ikot ng ikot ng ikot, pabalik-balik sa mga eskinitang wala namang ibang patutunguhan kung hindi ang isa't-isa. Ako na nga yung napapagod eh. Kung may switch lang yung isip, siguro, matagal nang naka-off yung sakin. Kung bumbilya to, hindi ko na rin kailangan i-off yung switch, kasi, sigurado ako, matagal na syang napundi.

Yung orasan namin, nasira na't lahat, pero ako, eto, naghihintay pa rin. Yung orasan kasi, de-baterya. Ako, hindi. Araw-araw may charge, sa ayaw at sa gusto ko. Ang sarap sigurong malowbatt paminsan-minsan. Yung tipong tahimik lahat, pati konsensya ko. Walang magbubulong sakin na, "sana pala...", walang ingay. Walang kahit anong pipilit sakin na gumising, bumangon, piliting makatagpos ng isang araw. Isang araw na walang saya. Isang araw na naman na wala ka.

Sa totoo lang, sulat ako ng sulat tungkol sayo. Meron naman nang iba eh. Nakalampas na nga, kasi hindi ko pa yata kaya. Ang arte ko, diba? Ewan ko nga ba. Hindi ka naman perfect. Ang daming bagay tungkol sayo na hindi ko naman talaga gusto, pero twing maiisip ko na yung mga nararamdaman ko sayo eh nararamdaman mo naman para sa kanya, parang paminta yung puso ko. Durog.

Ang dami kong sinasabi. Isa lang naman talaga yung gusto kong itanong sayo eh. Masaya ka na ba talaga? Kung hindi, pwede bang bumalik ka na? Kasi gusto kong malaman mo na mali yung ginawa mong pag-alis. Gusto kong malaman mo na ito yung tama...yung tayo. Minsan, nararamdaman ko na ganito rin yung iniisip mo. Hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit pinipigilan mo yung sarili mo, kahit ako naman talaga yung nasaktan. Ako naman tong mag-isa. Ako naman tong si tanga na hanggang ngayon, umiiyak pag umuulan.

It's tragic how I find sadness one of the most beautiful things in the world. Nothing calms me more than isolation. I seek refuge in solidarity. I am but a soul trapped in a perfectly healthy body of a perfectly lonely girl, looking up at the stars, wondering when she will find home.

08 | 19 | 13

Here's an advice: if you're doing whatever it is you're doing now to please someone besides yourself, stop.

Just stop. Because 1) it won't make you happy in the long run, 2) you might not even gain their affection, and 3) there's a huge possibility that you'll get hurt.

So stop.

Stop trying to be good for someone else, because news flash: you'll never be good enough. Not for your parents, not for your friends, not for anyone you thought cared about you. If it won't contribute to your own personal happiness, why the hell are you doing it?

Stop.

You have no one to please but yourself.

08/13/13

Tatlong taon na pala.

Sa sobrang busy ko, ngayon ko lang naalala. Tatlong taon na pala. Parang ang bilis, pero at the same time, ang tagal na rin. Hindi ko maintindihan. Minsan, yung sakit, nanunuot sa akin. Nararamdaman ko, parang isa-isang binabali yung mga buto ko. Ganun pala yun. Sabi nila, "heartache" daw, pero ramdam naman sya ng buong katawan.

Dati, para akong nangangapa sa dilim. Hindi ko talaga alam kung saan ako magsisimula. Gabi-gabi akong nagtatanong, kaya ko pa ba? Siguro. Pero pano? Pano nga bang kalimutan ang isang taong nagbigay sayo ng napakaraming ala-ala?

Ngayon ko lang naiintindihan, hindi naman pala kita kailangang kalimutan. Ang kailangan lang pala, tanggapin ko na wala ka na. Kailangan ko lang palang kumbinsihin yung sarili ko na wag nang maghintay, kasi hindi naman roundtrip ang buhay. hindi ka na babalik. Hindi na kita makikita ulit. Kahit kailan, hindi ko na malalaman yung sagot mo sa napakarami kong mga tanong.

Sana pala, nung nandito ka pa, sinabi ko na sayo lahat ng gusto kong malaman mo. Sana hindi ako nagpadala sa takot na baka magkaiba pala tayo ng pananaw sa buhay. Kung alam ko lang, sinulit ko na yung presence mo. Nagpakalunod sana ako sa tunog ng boses mo. Dinala ko sana sa isip ko bawat salitang sinabi mo.

Hinayaan lang kita, kasi akala ko, nandyan ka lang lagi, kagaya ng sinabi mo. Nanghihinayang ako sa lahat ng pagkakataon na pinalampas ko, at kung nasaan ka man ngayon, sana hindi ka nagsisisi ng ganito. Akala ko kasi, lahat ng bagay permanente. Akala ko kasi, may oras pa.

07/07/2013

There's a war happening inside my head. It is as loud as my silence in the real world. There have been countless numbers of casualties. My enemies and allies lay motionless, unidentifiable lumps of lifeless bodies.

Explosions keep me awake at night. There are battle cries playing in my head, so loud that it's like they're being whispered in my ear. There are wounds my eyes don't see, but the pain is too real for my heart not to feel.

There's chaos everywhere from the words fired, each one a bullet raging to pierce my rib. I'm torn apart, left to bleed to death on the cold, hard ground. The air I desperately need smells of grief and despair. I tell myself I can do this, I will get through this, but the better, smarter part of me knows that I might not. 

There's a war happening inside my head. I don't know if I'm strong enough to last through the night.

It rained today while I was on the bus, trying to chase any feelings you have left for me.

I had no destination in mind. I got a ticket, paid for it, picked a seat, put my earphones on, then tuned the rest of the world out. Today, there was no one on my mind but you.

You think I'm crazy for loving to do things like this. Maybe I am, but I regret nothing. I could breathe today. I could close my eyes and listen to Lana Del Rey sing my sadness away. I could stare out the window, watch the trees fade into a distant blur and sigh without anyone breathing down my neck for it. I was cleansed.

The best part wasn't watching the raindrops run after one another down the glass window. It wasn't feeling the warmth of the sun after shivering in the cold. It wasn't being able to just be alone when I needed it most.

The best part was arriving at my destination and finding you there, waiting for me like you knew I'd be there all along.

STAY.

I'm starting to realize how poisonous it can be to be the one who's left believing you could have done better. To think that there was something you should have done to save something you threw away without so much as a blink of an eye is a terrible burden to carry.

There are times when I think back on what I could have said a few years ago - words that would have saved something good, something that was probably the best thing I have ever had in life. I can barely remember when I was last happy. I spend so much time rewinding my memories, trying to hold on to the strings of hope floating in the air, wishing that somehow, he still remembers me. Reasoning that he must, for his world once revolved around me. Fooling myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe, thoughts of me keep him up at night, too.

And then it dawns on me why I am where I am today. Slowly, these pictures arrange themselves into fragments of the distant past. I remember how he let me go to bed mad or sad or both, without even bothering to help calm me down. I remember how easy it was for him to let me walk away, simply because he couldn't bear to be man enough to admit his mistakes. I remember how much I loved him, so much so that there was a map on my skin, angry lines of roads that might lead me to the page he was on, because we were never on the same one.

I remember everything.

I remember saying, "Slow down, I'm not ready to lose you."

The sound of his footsteps walking away was the soundtrack to my nightmares.

There's nothing funny about suicide jokes.

I know I'm overreacting and some people are just trying to lighten up the situation but there are a lot of ways to do that. If you want to strike up a conversation about it, then do so, but be respectful. Don't text everyone saying SUICIDE IS IN TODAY! WHO WANTS TO BE IN? HAHAHA like it's something to laugh about. How would you feel if you killed yourself and everyone you wished to care laughed about your death instead?

These people drove themselves to the extreme for a reason. Because of people like you who don't give a care about their lives. Their families are grieving. How could anyone have bones to just toss these families' pains aside just to prove how cool they are just because they can laugh about matters like this?

Sigh.

People suck.

I've always wanted to do this.

Sit on the passenger side of the car, you behind the wheel, greens and blues whirring past as your foot hits the gas.

I look up at you and see something I've always wanted to see.

I didn't even know I was waiting for you - I was just sitting on the steps of my house, wondering why I was even there - until you came.

You took my hand and held the door for me, and then you said, "Where do you want to go?", and I said, "Nowhere in particular."

And so here we are, driving to nowhere in particular, letting the air be filled with comfortable silence, making conversation with the words we leave unsaid. Your hand reaches for mine, and I let you hold it for as long as you wish to, because there might not be another time.

After all, something as magical as this, if this surely is not a dream, then it is a fragile reality which we must thread on carefully, for the slightest shift can make it shatter.

Your face is calm. You are not smiling, but you are happy. I can tell by the twinkling of your eyes, there are words swirling in your mind, words you don't dare say because they might not make sense. Oh, but how they do.


I roll the window down, fill my lungs with the fresh, cool air. Closing my eyes, I squeeze your hand, and I know that you know what I yearn to say.

I've always wanted to do this.