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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I'm Not Strong Enough To Carry On...


Thought I heard your voice yesterday.When I turned around to say that I loved you,I realized that it was just my mind,playing tricks on me...

I can't describe how I am feeling right now. One thing's for sure... I don't want to go to Twitter or Facebook for now, because I make my friends sad, and I don't like that at all...

I could always tell them that I am fine,but that would be a lie,and it will only make things more complicated. But if I could not tell them that,then what should I say? It's not only my heart that is breaking... Every part of my whole being is. My soul, my mind, maybe even my sanity... I cannot just pull them down with me in this cold dark prison...That would be too selfish...

It has been two days...Still, part of me wants to destroy everything--the flowers, the casket, the candle holders...everything. I want to scream and put up a fight and tell them that this is all wrong, that he is not dead, that it is not him... I want to be sure that I have done everything I can to make him stay. I just want to know that there really isn't anything I can do anymore...

Every time the skies are gray, I miss him. Today, the rain poured heavily, like my tears, washing away all the hope I had, the faith that I would never lose him. It hurts, and no one will ever understand my pain, because no one has to drag theirselves down in that aisle in between the pews, feet shaking, heavy body, to walk towards him, locked up in brass copper and glass, knowing it might be one of the last few times they would be able to see him...

I spent the afternoon in his bedroom in the apartment,and I could almost cut the air with a knife...The atmosphere was so thick and loneliness embraced me...It's just not the same without him...I sat in the middle of the empty room...Picturing him playing the piano where it used to sit in the corner... Remembering how messy his room always was...Missing the t-shirts and pieces of paper that always covered the floor...

And to think,this is not the hardest part. It's only just the start... I'm scared. How will my life get back to normal after I watch them bury him six feet under? I don't know if I will still be able to cry... it feels like I have run out of tears...I just feel so empty...Like a robot...

And I don't know how to go on with my life without him. For years...I have counted on him. I have leaned my head on his shoulder for all the times I cried...I laughed, got drunk, pushed him off the road. We rode bicycles together, bathed in a waterfall together, watched horror movies together, ate ice cream together... We did everything together... I can't do those things alone now without thinking of him and feeling the pang of pain hit me like a tsunami... It just hurts so much...

I don't know what to say anymore...I still wish to wake up tomorrow and find out that it all was just a bad dream,but I won't...And so i ask myself what I would be willing to give away to have him back...

And then I answer...

What wouldn't I? :'(

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

A Phrasing That's A Single Tear Is Harder Than I Ever Feared


Where do I begin,when every step is another cut to bleed,and every moment of waiting feels like an eternity?

How do I say I love you,I love you...When tears won't stop falling even before I have spoken?

I want to tell you how much it hurts seeing you like that... Lifeless, limp, unmoving... I cannot describe my pain enough,simply because even the deepest words cannot do it justice. It's terrible...The way I have to wait around,uncertain if you will even open your eyes again to witness the light of day.

I want you to know how I wish I could take away your sleep and claim it as my own,because I have been having sleepless nights ever since you fell into the trench of that mysterious slumber. They want me to give up on you. They want me to accept the fact that you are gone,or that you might be gone any minute now. But I can't...Who the hell can?

I talked to you again.This time,I told you about how much our friends were missing you and your silly pranks.I, for once, miss the way you would twirl my hair on your fingers,when it used to piss me off big time. The way you would show your dimpled cheek just so I would giggle and slap you playfully because you were bragging again. I miss those times a lot. It's just not the same...Never the same... I miss you..

Are you happy that I lay in your bed tonight,wishing you were here? I'm here... Hugging your pillow,because for now,it still smells like you...I'm wearing your favorite shirt,too. I hope you don't mind. You probably wouldn't...

I want you to know that I am in so much pain right now,but I still manage to smile...Because I do not want to worry my friends,or to make them see right through me.But this pain...it cuts deeper than a knife would cut an onion in halves.Every beep of your heart monitor somehow gives me hope...That you will wake up and see me standing over you,waiting. They say it's all in my dreams now,but for as long as you are willing to fight,then so am I...

Seeing you there,motionless,silent,well behaved...It was the last place I ever thought I'd be a few days ago.It was all so sudden,that until now,I find myself pinching my palm or biting my lips until they bleed--anything to feel the pain,to make sure that this is all real.I so badly want it to be a night mare I would later wake up from,I wish it's that easy...

But you...are gone now. Try as I might to keep lying to myself,part of me knows what the bigger possibility is. I wish I could sit beside you once more,like I usually did before,and then we would just stare at each other making funny faces. Those were the better days of my life that I never would forget. If there's a wish I could make right now,I just want to pound on your chest and curse at you while you laugh at me,and the way you pulled this perfect prank on me. I would call you a jerk but I wouldn't really mean it, and it would be another day with you. Another happy day with you...

You,C, are so unfair for putting me throug something as heavy as this is...I just...I want to break down and cry and just complain about everything...After all, a girl has the right to just be vulnerable, right? I do not have that with you. I can't break down and cry because that would mean my faith is falling apart.It's not...It never will...

Please hold on for as long as you can. you would hurt me too much if you give up this soon...I'm starting to prepare myself,and it's the hardest thing to do... How, how could I possibly chase the warmth of your pale,pale hands and just stand there, stand there...And ask you to let go...?Call me selfish... But I can't ask you to let go just yet..Not yet,C...not yet...


Where do I begin,when every step is another cut to bleed,and every moment of waiting feels like an eternity?

Sunday, August 1, 2010

I'll Never Let You Go

"Hey," Jasper greeted, holding me by the waist.

The sun was setting on the horizon, making the bay glisten like liquid silver. I squinted at the sight.

"Anything wrong?"

I shook my head,smiling. "It's all perfect. Too much glitter just hurts my eyes."

"I thought you loved sunsets."

"I do." I walked over to the edge of the yacht, enjoying the view. We were in Manila Bay, overlooking SM Mall of Asia, bordered by Roxas Boulevard. On the concrete pavement, kids were running, biking... Pairs of lovers were walking hand in hand, or sitting back to back, enjoying the moment, like we were.

"Are you still scared of going on cruise?" He suddenly looked worried, his eyebrows creased, his eyes searched mine.

"I'll be fine," I lied. I was scared of the ocean. "I think I'll manage."

"You know," he whispered, taking my hand, "it will be fun, we could sneak out on the bow and maybe re-enact that Titanic scene? I can be your Jack."

I smiled at that.Heck,I smiled at every little thing he said,no matter how senseless and shallow. It was always easy with him, I never had to be on my guard.

"And then you, Alice, should run around the ship wearing a long flowy night gown and seduce Jasper, and then you know what happens next," Emmett chuckled, bemused. I rolled my eyes at him.

Our food arrived and we ate dinner, excited for the cruise. We were wearin formal clothes, it was uncomfortable and too warm, but I did not complain. I was playing with Jasper's cellphone, tweeting.

I'm gay, I typed, and pressed the tweet button. That sent me to hysterics, leaving all my friends puzzled as to why I was laughing like mad. When Jasper saw what I just did, he caught me in his arms and started tickling me. We were frowned upon by my best friend, Bella.

"Could you guys act a little more decent?" She scoffed, then left us on the table. Edward mumbled an apology, which I answered with a smile.

~~~

"Have you taken your medicine yet?" Jasper asked, popping at the door of our cabin. Their cabin was right next to ours.

"Yes, Sir!" I straightened my posture, imitating a soldier with a salute.

"Good," he replied shortly. He patted the hem of my skirt, frowning. "Isn't this skirt a bit too short?"

"It's just right!" I argued, measuring the length of my navy blue skirt with my outstreched fingers. "See? Two inches above the knees. Standard size."

"Whatever you say." He shrugged, then walked off. I followed suit, thinking he was upset.

"Hey!" I called out, earning stares of annoyance from the other students on board, but they were the least of my priorities, so I continued anyway.

Jasper stopped abruptly, knocked on a cabin's door, and asked our classmate, Jehin, if we could talk in the cabin for a moment. She reluctatnly agreed, and he pulled me by the hand and closed the door.

"Are you okay?" I asked, pating his dimpled cheek twice. "Did you take your medicine?"

He was in medication, too. His heart, like mine, was weak, and he couldn't get very tired or things would turn out ugly. He nodded, flashing me a grin.

"Remember the Titanic promise?" He asked all of a sudden. I squinted my eyes at him, asking what he meant.

"Come on." He dragged me and we ran to the bow of the ship,where we were prohibited that night. We stood there, the wind blew my hair and he was behind me, our arms raised in the air like wings.

"You should say I am the King of the world!" I instructed him, but he just laughed at me.

"No," he said, chuckling. "That was Jack. Now, this is me."

He held my hand tight, then, on the top of his lungs, he shouted. "I am the luckiest jerk in the world!"

"That was so unromantic," I complained, pouting. "But that will do, I guess."

"Of course that will do," he agreed, smelling my hair. "You love me too much to argue."

"Someone's an airhead," I teased. "Let's go back inside. We're needed in the gallery."

The gallery is a cruise ship's kitchen. There you would find rows and rows of white plates, silverware, and all the other kitchen utensils you could ever think of. As we eneterd the gallery, everyone was already busy working.

"Brandon, Whitlock, late!" Mrs. Nunez scolded. We bowed down to say we were sorry, then proceeded to the sink where we washed the dishes in silence.

My hands were wrinkly because of the dishwashing paste, and I've got bubbles on my hair from all the work, when my back itched like crazy.

"Scratch my back!" I screeched at him. He just smirked then began itching my back.

"Poor little Alice, what would you do without me?"

"Don't say that!" I requested, suddenly scared. "You shouldn't say that unless you are planning on leaving me."

"Never," he whispered, tucking my hair behind my ears. "Promise."

"Promises are made to be broken, Jazz." Bella smirked, mopping the floor.


"You know me," Jasper answered. "I never break a word I say."

 "Prove it," she said, then walked away. I stared at my best friend's retreating figure, clueless as to why she was acting like that towards Jasper.

Jasper just shrugged at me when I told him about it. "She doesn't think anybody's good enough for you, that's all."

"Fine," I grumbled before walking off to the restaurant where the other passengers and patrons were beginning to head to, dressed to the nines.

~~~

Edward and Emmett were bartending and doing bar tricks, earning a lot of tips from the awestruck customers. Jasper was waiting on tables, so was I. Every once in a while, we stopped to talk, flirt a little, or just stare at each other. We finished our shift at 2 in the morning, and the ship arrived in Cebu at about 4 or 5. We were sent straight to Crown regency Towers where we just plopped ourselves on the bed and slept, because we were all dead tired.

I was awakened by the noise Bella made in the morning, rummaging through the room.

"Good morning," I greeted, my voice was still full of sleep. "Do you need help in turning this suite upside down?"

"No, you better hurry and get dressed," she answered seriously. "Our seminar is starting in an hour."

My eyes grew wide with horror. "Oh crap, I wouldn't be able to get ready in an hour!"

"I know right?"

I began zipping and unzipping my bags, fumbling for my things. I ended up in a pastel yellow colored dress and a black bolero thirty minutes later. Edward was waiting outside for Bella.

"Hey." I punched his shoulder lightly. "Where's Jasper?"

"I think you should wake him up." He answered seriously. "you know I'm not patient in waking people up."

"you're never patient, period." I giggled then made my way to their room.

Slants of sunshine were pouring in through the tall glass windows. He was peacefully sleeping but the rise and fall of his chest was not normal, so I sat by his side and began shaking him.

"Jasper? Jasper, wake up. you have to hurry up, our seminar is half an hour away."

No answer.

"Jasper, come on. You could sleep later..."

Something that sounded like a grunt came from his throat, and then that was it.

His breathing rapidly increased and then they were gone as soon as they came. I was screaming frantically for help, checking his pulse and his heartbeat,they were almost gone. After ten minutes or so, I heard a loud siren below and then it was a blur of arms and limbs being carried away.

I remember throwing in information, like what exactly happened, his heart disease, how old he was, what he ate last night, what time he went to bed, and so on and so off. I remember running fourteen flights of stairs because I was scared the elevators might fail and I would be stuck inside and I wouldn't be able to be there with him, for him.

I remember running after the stretcher he was on, being pushed and shoved by random paramedics, being shouted at. In the end, all I could do was sit there in the curb while the ambulance sped away. Everything seemed like the movies-slow motion,the skies were gray, and my best friend was there, rubbing my back.

~~~

That afternoon, I took the plane back to Manila. I didn't know where he was, or what his condition was. I was clutching my phone but I got no text messages, let alone a phone call. I was worried, but there was nothing I could do,so I went home.

When nighttime fell and everyone was dreaming beautiful dreams, I lay in bed feeling empty and lonely. I thought back on all the years we have spent together as friends, and I cried until I fell asleep. That night, I wished I'd dream about him, but I didn't.

The next morning, I got a message from his Mom informing me that he was admitted in the University Hospital. They specialize in heart ailments, and he was in the Intensive Care Unit. I immediately got dressed to pay him a visit.

When I arrived there,his Mom wrapped me in a hug. I gave her a wry smile, trying hard to appear strong for once. "How is he?"

She began sobbing, shaking. "The doctors said the only thing keeping him alive is the breathing apparatus..."

"Calm down," I said, but deep inside I was bleeding. The only thing keeping him alive is the breathing apparatus, that is bullshit! I pulled his Mom in for another hug. A tear trickled down my face, but I wiped it away simply, then pretended to smile and look strong.

"He'll be fine," I said. I did not know whether I said that to make her feel better, or was I just creating another illusion for myself?

~~~

I was wearing a horrible looking green hospital gown and a transparent plastic hair cover. He was lying there, on the bed, surrounded by all the white. There were no flowers,no colors.

"I wouldn't cry," I announced, as if I was having a very normal conversation with him under a very normal circumstance.

I walked nearer, each step was careful,as if somehow any heavy sound could hurt him. I held his hand...His fingernails were bluish. It took all of my strength not to break down and cry right then, right there.

"Hey..." I whispered. My voice cracked and I had to clear my thoat several times.My mouth felt so dry. "Wake up..."

Beep. Beep. Beep. His heart monitor was beeping regularly. It was the only noise besides my voice.

"I ate ice cream today," I informed him, rubbing little circles on his palm. "I ate two cones,one for you, and one for me..."

Beep.

"I know,I know you envy me...If you weren't such a jerk you could have accompanied me you know?"

Beep. Beep.

"I still can't believe that Tweety Bird is not a girl. Teletubbies were better though..."

Beep. Beep. Beep...

I lay my head on the bed, so that we were face to face. His eyes were completely closed shut, his lips were pale,so pale.

I ran my fingers through his hair carefully,as if it were some delicate piece of golden thread. The beeping sound continued, an insult to my injury. Each sound was another gash in my heavily wounded heart that would throb in pain forever.

"You said you would never leave me," I reminded him, squeezing his hand. "You're cheating..."

I stared at his face. It was just the two of us, living in silence. "Please fight... For me... For us..."

That was all it took for two drops of tears to form on his eyes, and then they raced towards the sides of his nose. His lips quivered, but that was all I got. I wiped his tears dry,ignoring my own tears that were starting to drown me.

"Can you hear me?" My voice was louder, rougher.

"Can you hear me? Wake up, wake up, you fool! You can't leave me like this..."

Fresh set of tears watered his pasty face, and I was sobbing hysterically when his Mom entered the room and helped me up. She was with his Dad, and another woman that I have only met now, and then a Doctor.

"This is Sienna, his step sister." His Mom introduced me to the woman, who acted indifferent,as if she couldn't care less.

The Doctor told me about his real condition. He used those hard to spell professional medical terms and all other stuff, but from what i understood, he was brain dead and his chances of survival were 1 out of 1000. If he ever did survive, he would have to have therapy, or he might have temporary amnesia due to the trauma it brought him to.

In short, they thought the best way out of this was to unplug the breathing apparatus...And end his misery.

It would end his life,too, and that I couldn't take.

"Please,no..."

I held on to his Mom for support. She was sobbing again, like I was.

His Dad was teary eyed. Sienna looked bored.

"His bills are sky high," she stated harshly. "If this goes on for long we might have to sell the car or the house or God knows what."

I looked at his Dad. He reamined silent,perhaps,contemplating on things.

"We're not even sure if he'd live," Sienna added.

"But there's still a chance that he would," i politely interrupted. She gave me a cold, hard glare. "Please..."

"Fine," she muttered. "One week. If he doesn't wake up in a week, we'll give it up,okay? I hate seeing him like this."

After the doctor performed some tests and stuff, they all went out and again,I was alone with him.

I planted a kiss on the top of his head. "Please wake up soon... Keep your promise..."

As soon as the door clicked shut behind me,I couldn't help but be scared, because promises are made to be broken.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

The Skies Are Dark, It's Time For Rain...



This is the loneliest sunset I have ever seen.

I should be happy today, not sat here worried like mad, because I do not know what's happening to you. I don't know what happened to you. I don't know where you are, if you are safe now or what... I don't know, and that makes it all the more difficult.

Last night was ecstatic. You, I, our friends, and all the other people that matter, together in one dream, in one place. You held my hand the whole time, and as I leaned my head on your shoulder while we listened to the rolls of waves crashing on the side of the ferry, I wished I could freeze time and stay there with you forever.

It all came without warning today. This morning, you didn't wake up. You were supposed to wake up! To open your eyes and greet me, and wish me a wonderful day. You were supposed to tease me a lot! You were supposed to talk, to breathe this cool, clean air... But you didn't. I shook you and you answered me with a grunt... And before my very eyes, you gasped for air, your heartbeat was crazy, and then it was almost gone. Gone....

I cried, but my tears were not to you like water to plants. They took you away in a noisy ambulance, and all I could see were the flashing reds and blues as I sat limply on the curb, rubbing my face on my palm. I was supposed to chase after you! To make sure that they would give you the best care, the treatment you deserve! Where are you now...?

Cal... Please don't hurt me like this.... Please be well.... Believe me, I tried... I tried to convice them that I was important enough to be there with you, to be there for you... I don't know where you are now... I don't know what's happening now. I don't know if there was something I could have done... I feel so ... I don't know what I am feeling right now....

Please don't leave...Please...

Thursday, July 29, 2010

What Is Your Reason For Living?



I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
~E. B. White

 Hello, I am just a simple girl. My mind thinks simple thoughts; my heart feels simple emotions. I need the most basic of all necessities, shopping makes me happy, and on a regular Friday night when the air is crisp and car horns are beeping, I like staying in bed and cuddling up with a book. My life is not glamorous, I am not always happy, neither am I always sad. My life is not as good as I want it to be, but honestly, it is not too bad, either.

So what do I live for? Do I live for my dreams? Do I live for my family and friends? Do I live just for the heck of living? Do I live for the knowledge that one day,the world will bow down o me, at my feet? I could say I live for myself, but that would sound too selfish to be acceptable.

I do live for the people I love, but here's the catch: I live for everyone who needs me. I live for that little girl in tattered clothes who sleep on the streets, rain or shine. I live for my pre-school teacher, for the Pastor who preaches before the penniless. I live for the Security Guard in front of the bank he works for. I live for the candy vendor, for the cab driver, for the post man, the plumber, the construction worker, the cashier in the supermarket who never fails to smile and wish me a nice day. I live for all these people, because in one way or another, I might or might not have noticed, but they have surely made an impact in my life.

This may sound odd,weird,unusual. After all,this world has gone from being our world to being someone's self's world. I just realized,if I don't give credit to all these good people,then who will?Who will let them know that they matter,too?Who will tell that Security Guard how nice it felt when he told me that I was kind,just because I put my trash in the trash can,which,in the first place, was in fact, my obligation?

I live for the hope that one day,the rest of the world will wake up and see the beauty in every single thing,even in the most mundane ones.I wish everyone could touch a cancer patient's cheek and tell her that she is beautiful,and for once,make her cry with tears of joy.I wish mothers and daughters could just realize sooner than normal that they do live for each other,and that nothing in the world could come in between them.I live for the hope that there are still good people who actually care about the welfare of others,and are not afraid to show it.

I live for Christmas dinners and those street children who brave the cold weather, singing Christmas carols in the street, tapping car windows. I live for the people who actually open their windows and share their blessings to the less fortunate;the world needs more people like them. I live for the hugs friends share when words couldn't explain feelings anymore. I live for anonymous donors, overseas Filipino workers, and non-government organizations volunteers.

I live for the rainbows after the rain. I live for the bravery of my fellow Filipinos who managed to smile even after the storms destroyed their homes last year. I live for the unity that was shown in the face of tragedy. The Philippines is a country not as financially rich as the United States nor the European nations, still, we all managed to somehow smile and help each other.With tears in my eyes,it has been proven to me that we were not hopeless,and we never will be.

I live for the people who take the courage to sail even when they are destined to fail. I live for my Mom,whose faith in love is undying,and for my Dad,whom I terribly miss every single moment. For my sister, my aunts, and my grandparents, whose faith and love for me never cease,for the neighbors who say hello every once in a while.

I live for all the simple moments in life,because they are the most fragile ones in my memory.I live for lazy Sunday afternoons,for the summer breeze, for blowing bubbles in April, for the smell of new clothes, for a box of 124 pieces of crayons, for the cats that meow and the dogs that bark, I live for waking up at 3 AM from December 16-25 to complete the 9 early morning masses and for the wish I get when I do, for the sweaters and cardigans I only get to wear from November to February, for Lilac blooms and the sound of a little girl's giggles, for the feeling of comfort when my cheek is pressed on my pillow, for sweet daydreams and teddy bears, for all the laughter and tears.

I live for the sake of being able to live, because every man dies, but not everyone lives.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Do You Want Me To Brave This Road For You?



 Soooooo I think I have a new favorite song.

I can't stop smiling on my way home because this song was playing on my PSP. I was shamelessly singing along, even when a neighbor was standing near me,I couldn't care less.

Anyway,so today was my Mom's birthday. After school,I bought prepaid credits to text her a birthday greeting.I was walking peacefuly to 7 Eleven to get some Coke,when somebody called my name. I whirled around to see my old pal, Karen.I once wrote a post about her here.Anyway,so yeah I bumped into Karen,and we stayed in 7 Eleve for a couple of minutes to catch up. God, I missed her. I kind of regret shifting schedules, but I can't do anything about that now. What matters is that we talked,and nothing has changed between us.

Part of me is happy right now because there's a reason to be happy. But I decided not to talk about that here that much.I want to keep private whatever it is that I have right now because the world doesn't have to know...Only we do. I just...I can't explain it.I'm perfectly contented with whatever I am in right now,I guess that says it all.

As I have mentioned,it's my Mom's birthday and I texted her this afternoon. I've been waiting all day for some reply but I still haven't got any.I have a feeling she's mad at me,cause she's been calling these past few days and I wasn't able to answer any.Maybe she thinks I was ignoring her calls,but the truth is,my phone was in silent mode,it always is,she knows that.She calls at the most random hours,and I am not a phone person...Most of the time I do not even know where I put my phone,so I really didn't ignore the calls on purpose.

This hole in my heart is like screaming at me that our relationship (if we even have one) is falling apart. I really want nothing more than save it...But she doesn't seem to be working with me. Still,I can't just give up on it.
For all it's worth,I want to fight,to fight for my Mom,for her love,and a little affection. She thinks my sister and I only remember her because of her money, but we do not even get any of her money.I don't know what happened in the course of eleven years, but from the looks of things, it seems like it's all about money. Money, power, money, more money. I don't need so much money,you know?

Aside from that,I have no more worries. I feel calm and a little collected now.I would not let my emotions control me anymore. Some people have it worse...So I don't have the right to complain. It does nothing good...especially when my friends feel guilty about me being sad.It makes me feel selfish...

Speaking of friends...my European time based clock fell off the table today. It broke. I turn to it when I need to know what time it is in England and Ireland..Well,it's gone now.I really hope SHE didn't purposefully break it.She has the tendency to get jealous of my internet friends...

Lastly,it's raining all night. I've watched The Wedding Singer..I love Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler together like no joke!!! Oh, and I cut my toe. Accidentally. With a sharp rock.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Final Straw



Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.

I think I'm being the girl I used to be again. I'll wear no pretenses this time--I am so depressed. I'm tired of pretending to be so happy, so hyper just so I would not ruin the mood of my friends. I'm lonely, and I need to bleed it out or it'll stay in me forever.


I hate it,I hate being like this. Last night, I almost pleaded for my friends to stay with me. My friends in real life and some internet friends... I thought I at least deserved some of their time,since when they were the ones who needed me,I dropped everything just to be there for them. Well, they did not have time. It's so fucking disappointing,you know? I am so mad at the world. Why is everything so unfair?


Now I really know who my real friends are. Rani thought I was referring to her when I said some friends only remember me when they need something. Truth is, Rani saved me last night. She made me laugh with all those Chinese zodiacs, it was fun talking to her. She did not ignore the fact that I was a ROBOT, and she did something about it. Yasmina was there,too. I'm not surprised, she always has been there.

Anyway....I don't think I can live like this. I wish my friends know that I have feelings,too. I'm not some superhero you can run to whenever you need help. Sometimes, I need help too. Sometimes, I need you,too. I wish you could like,take five minutes out of your precious time and for once,ask me. Ask me what's wrong. Help me ease this burden in my heart. You are supposed to do that,cause you are supposed to be my friends.


Don't tell me we'll talk next time cause THERE IS NO NEXT TIME. I needed you last night. Call me selfish,call me a bitch. When it's you who needs me,I move heaven and earth just to be able to help you. I'm tired of all your excuses and all these pretenses. I can see right through you....You're not here, because you are perfectly happy with your life right now.


One day soon,you will need me again, and you will realize I'm not there aymore.


You have lost me,and I hope it gives you hell.

Monday, July 26, 2010

I Need To Feel You.



Take me back...Take me back in your arms...

The only way I could hear your voice these days is when you're on the phone, telling me how hard your job is...You once told me that you noticed how tired I was,how tired I sounded...You didn't know the reason behind my silence.

I wanted to tell you that my classmate used to say that one day we would fly.She made us fall in line back in second grade and pressed our foreheads until they were bloody red,because supposedly, that was the only way we could fly. That night, I stayed awake, waiting for my body to start floating magically on air. I could not wait to fly. I could not wait to fly to you...

I wanted to tell you that I started liking a guy when I was in sixth grade. He had beautiful skin, and I hated my best friend because she liked him too, and unlike me,she was not discreet about it. I wanted to tell you that my teachers told everyone that they were pretty...Everyone except me, because I was boyish and unruly. Because nobody was there to say I should have grown my hair, I should have tied it up so that it would not cover my face.

I wanted to tell you how happy I was when my crush covered my eyes with his hands when I was thirteen.When I was fourteen, I thought I was in love. I rushed into things and got my heart broken for the first time. I wished you were there for me while I cried silently inside the bathroom, because I wanted no one to hear me. The pain was rippling, and I got over it, but every night, I wished you were there... I wished you were here...

I wanted to tell you how much I have grown. How I wanted you to be in the picture as I clicked the camera shutter on my sister's graduation. I wanted you to be with me when I enrolled for College. I wanted to tell you how I loved my College course, but you didn't like it. I wanted to prove to you that I was right...

Now, I'm nineteen. When you were my age, you had me. I want to tell you about my friends who call their Moms bitches just because the women won't let them use the computer, or go out with friends. I want to tell you how selfish I think they are for taking their Moms for granted. I want you to know how proud I am of myself because not once do I think of you the way they think about their Moms. I could tell you a lot right now... I could tell you how much pain I am feeling because of you, because you left, because I lost you, and never found you again. I want to tell you, Hey Mom...It's me. Hey Mom, what's for breakfast? Hey Mom, these are my friends. Hey Mom, can I have some spare cash? Hey Mom, let's bake a cake. Hey Mom, is everything alright? Hey Mom, I love you every fucking second of my life. Hey Mom, it hurts. Hey Mom... Did my heart break enough this time? Did it break enough...?

Mom,every time I remember you...I remember you yelling at me...Because that's all the memory I have.Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night from dreaming about the very first time you went away. It's like I am there all over again, red rimmed eyes, tear soaked shirt... I did not beg you to stay, but you did not see my lips quiver when I mumbled goodbye.

Mom, I wish I never said goodbye... Maybe if I didn't,you would have came back...

She Didn't Want Parades Just Passing By Her


And then God made Jackson Rathbone,and a war ensued among women.

Hi,hi, hiiiiiiiiiii!!!

Life's bliss these past few days. It's like I couldn't ask for more,but in the back of my mind,there's fear.

I'm scared of being this happy,because that usually means the downfall is somewhere near.I don't trust the forces of nature when I am this high,because when you're on your highest, there's no other way to go but down,right?

Anyway,I think I'll worry about that when that time comes. I'll just live this moment while it lasts, cause it may not last long.

Yesterday I went to SM San Fernando to meet up with my internet friend, Ate Liahn. Shhh, my family thought I was in school the whole time,and I do not have any plans of changing that belief. Yep, I am badass, but that's what you get when you're too controlling.

Anyway,I really had fun.Before we met it was like everything was just virtual. Like yeah,I have friends on the internet,but we don't see each other.That kind of thing. Well,now it's easier to imagine having a friend hug you when you need one. I personally think my internet friends are better than the real ones--no offense meant, but you know...They don't ever let me down. Or maybe I am just being biased. Of course there's some concrete reason why my internet friends and I don't fight.It's not that I don't trust them,but when you're behind a computer screen,you tend to put your best foot forward.

Ate Liahn gave me lots of Greenebone tarpaulins and button pins,and a tote bag.I really love them,and I am planning to go home early today (if that is even possible) to post them all on my wall.I just couldn't wait. Yesterday was one of the best days of my life. We had a really nice time,and I got to meet her boyfriend,who was also very nice.We made him carry our stuff and take our photos at the same time.He passed my test.I like him for her. :)

We watched The Last Airbender in 3D. I therefore announce to you guys,that I,the mighty mighty Seann,was devirginized yesterday.Wakokokoko. It was my first time TO WATCH A MOVIE IN 3D because in our oh so awesome province of Nueva Ecija, there are no 3D theaters.I am so freakin' proud that the first movie I watched in 3D was a Monroe Jackson Rathbone V movie. I needed new schmanties,he blew me away. Look at that photo above. Holy Mary Mother of Grace,pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death,Amen. I had multiple heart attacks during the movie,and I was unable to focus on the story. Whatevs, I am not a fan of the anime thingy anyway.

Okayyyyyy,so I boarded the bus home at about 6 in the evening,dear God was I scared,by the time we reached Gapan I was the only passenger left,and I was bracing myself for the worst. What if I got raped? What if they parked the bus on a deserted side of the road and kill me afterwards? This is why reading and watching horror and thriller stories is never a good idea for me. Thankfully, I am still alive and whole. In every way possible.

I spent the night playing Facebook games,because that's what cool teens do on weekend nights,not party all the way. So this friend of mine commented on one of my photos saying it was disgusting (she said yuck) because apparently I had ummm...some dirt thingy in my eyes on the photo. You judge.


I asked her if she was serious but she did not reply. Honestly,I was hurt. I still am, because all these years I never did or thought about anything that could hurt her. I guess friends do let you down every once in a while. I felt like she posted that on purpose,for everyone to see.She really likes proving to everyone that she is better than I am. Anyway, I really don't care anymore.

After all,it was not I who showed motives to her boyfriend. Yep,her boyfriend sent me messages on Facebook,asking for my number. Which I didn't give,by the way.

Thank God I have friends like M, Yasmina, and Mainia who stood up for me even when I didn't stand up for myself.

Sometimes I want to tell myself how horrible I am,but that would really hurt my feelings.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Keep Breathing,I'm Not Leaving You Anymore


I love you...I loved you all along...

What if you spent all your life working hard on something, and then it didn't happen the way you planned? What if for ages,you kept to yourself...You never spoke of the way you felt about certain things or people,and then,one day,when it was already too late,you found out that they felt the same?What if you devoted everything you own to one person,and then they ended up disappointing you?

Time...You don't buy it cause you can't. It's free,but only while it lasts.

We waste too much time thinking about what could have been,instead of working on what is. Most of us believe that life is all about what we have,when in fact,life is all about what we do with what we have.We always focus on what we want,and as soon as we get what we want,we wound up wanting more.It's an endless and redundant process,and in the end, we all die with nothing to bring but our souls,anyway.

I used to do everything I could to prevent myself from getting hurt,because as I have said a thousand times before,pain is the greatest of my fears.Now that I am smarter and older,I found out that pain is what I need in order to grow.It might be forced out of me,but it's all for goodness' sake,and through it, I am better.

We all have our regrets. We often make mistakes, and do things the wrong way, or simply just do the wrong things.Our lives don't have to stop because of one single mistake though. Go back to the one you left if you feel like you belong with them. Say how sorry you are, and mean it. Tell yourself that you will try not to falter again, and with all your heart, prove it.You owe it to yourself to pursue your happiness,and dwelling in the past and carrying its burden in your shoulders is not a way to achieve it.

Sometimes,we have to move on, because goodbye is the only way.

Sometimes,we are blessed with the choice to stay...And times like that,the opportunity should never be wasted.

Because regret is one bitter pill to swallow.