New Year....Same Old Life.

This will be my last post not only for the month of December,but also for the year 2010. I've been on Blogger for a year, and I can say it has helped a lot in letting out my frustrations without harming anyone. LOL.

This year has been great. Unlike so many people who complain about it and are happy that 2010 is almost over, I am sad at its passing. 2011 is not my year,that I can tell you right now. There will be so much drama,and I will have a lot of explaining to do. I'm dreading it. Sometimes I wonder if maybe God loves me so much that he'll let me die before 2011. Obviously, it's not gonna happen.

Anyway, I don't want to talk about that stuff just yet. It's depressing. Maybe when I'm ready...

As I was saying,2010 has been one hell of a year. I've met a lot of new people this year,and they're already a part of me forever. That sounds corny, but really...I've found great friends,and I have no plans of throwing them away anytime soon. :)

My family has been beach crazy during the summer. We celebrated my birthday on the beach. We went to the beach a lot,period. I've seen Eclipse more than 10 times, and The Last Airbender in 3D. I have gone to Manila back and forth. How I love that city.

I've learned a lot from the 12 months that passed. I've learned that you can never fully trust anyone again once they've failed you. I've learned that no matter how much people say they love you, they're going to move on with their lives when that love goes unappreciated. Goodbyes hurt, but not as painful as the hellos you never had the chance to make. There are some people you wish you never knew...but deep down,you'll always be thankful for their presence in your life.

Sometimes, trials come, and we don't understand why they happen. The lessons come long after the storm is gone,most of the time. This year has taught me a lot to be strong; to learn to stand up by myself, to never be afraid of being who I am. I've seen almost all kinds of people. There are the traitors, the true friends, the liars, the people who live for others. Some of them have shown me that no matter how good you are, there will always be that one who treats you like trash, and if you're weak on the knees, you'll never last long. Despite all the pain I've gone through, I came out stronger than I ever was. I've learned that I'm never alone, and that there are people ready to take the fall for me.

As this year's end flashes before my eyes, all I can say is that just like every other year that passed, this one has been great in its own way. We have had our ups and downs, everybody goes through something sometimes. 2011 is our chance to be who we've always wanted to be on 2010. All we can do is make the best of it, for every second that passes is never coming back.

Happy New Year, everyone! Thank you for being the beautiful stars that give light to my way. I love you! <3

My Tired Heart Is Beating So Slow.

There must be something wrong with me. I keep losing my friends,it's not even funny. It's breaking my heart.

Tonight,more than ever,I miss my childhood. I miss being so carefree that the hardest choice to make would be which pair of socks to wear.I remember those things. Lacey, ruffled at the edges,where my stick thin shins began. I remember crying because I wanted t sit on a red chair in class and unfortunately, every red chair in the room was taken.

I miss my Dad. I miss him asking me if I wanted an ice cream cone,I miss him throwing me in the air,and catching me just before I hit the ground.The times I spent with him were numbered,each one remembered clearly because they're all rare. I miss the sound of his faded blue jeans rubbing against each other while his feet trailed on the rice fields,hitting dew kissed grass on the way while he carried me sitting on his shoulders,a paperweight porcelain doll clinging on to his tattered baseball cap for support.

I miss my Mom. I miss the way she would reprimand me for forgetting about what she asked me to do again. I miss how she once made me say vinegar over and over again before asking me to buy it from the store,and how her face turned when she saw me walking home with nothing because on the way, I was singing vinegar, vinegar to a tune I made up, and then occasionally sang soy sauce,and got confused about which I needed to buy.

I miss being so innocent that nothing anyone says makes me suspicious. Now, I dissect every word I hear or read and scrutinize them carefully, trying to figure out which is true and which isn't. It's sad how the world makes monsters of each one of us.I used to kick myself silently each time I cursed.Now,I do it as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

I feel so lonely. I just want to curl up and cry,but even my tears refuse me.I regret all the bad things I've said in my life.I wonder what good they did me. I just don't feel myself right now and I hate it. I have this strange feeling of dreading something and wishing time would just freeze,but at the same time,I'm wishing it would just tick away mercilessly so I could get it all over with.


My heart is so broken.

This Is The Part Where I Break Down And Cry

Where do I begin? I guess I want to say I'm tired of the drama.It seems like a puppy,following me everywhere.


Although I must admit,I never assumed we'd come to this point where there's no turning back,or so it seems. You were my best friend. I was ready to give up anything to stand up for you. I tried my best to be there for you, to help you get through the rough days when your heart was bleeding in fire.I just wanted you to be there.To stay,to keep me company sometimes.But the moment you found happiness, you disappeared from my sight,quicker than lightning, and before I knew it, everything else was different.

I loved her like a sister. Mainia and I-we used to be inseparable, but things change,and people do,too. Before she met this guy C, she was in a personal crisis and  I was always there for her. No, I'm not saying this to count the good things we've done for each other and compare. I'm just trying to paint with words how close we used to be. She was heartbroken,and so was I,so we clicked. We made each other laugh and cry.Then one day, she was gone.She slipped away like I didn't matter at all.

My point is, just because people meet new people,does that mean they have to throw someone away to give space to the new ones? Cause that was how I felt when I realized what was happening. I don't care,call me sensitive,immature,whatever you wish to call me.I felt like she kicked me in the curb just because she now has her "personal bumble bee", and then when he hurt her,she turned to me and said, "blame C, blame C."

That was what got me annoyed. I'm not like some toy that you get to play with again the moment your new one loses its luster.I have feelings,and they're pretty delicate. I give my all when it comes to three things: family, love, and friendship, but that doesn't mean I don't runaway when I see pain.I'm no saint, I'm only human. I want you to be happy, but surely, you can be happy without hurting me.

This whole thing makes me sad. I told her last night the reason why I'm so distant, but I was misinterpreted before I can fully explain. It's not about you coming back to Twitter role play.I don't even go there anymore. It's you coming back to my life.I want my best friend back but it's not that easy. I don't want to ever feel worthless again.

I was trying to bring it all back to the way it was,but healing takes time.I never forgot you. Stop acting like I was the one who ended this friendship.

I was there the whole time. Where have you been?

Traffic Makes Me Feel Like I'm Part Of Something Bigger.

It's kind of obvious that I have just seen Step Up 3. Awesome movie. It made me cry cause even it showed that best friends drift apart sometimes. And Moose's best friend's name was Camille.

Nothing makes sense. Even the news from the TV echoes that the President had hotdogs for lunch in America. Rappers rap about poverty and bystanders and the problems of the community, but they never give us any possible solution to the problems, just like I am doing now. I keep blogging about the things that tie me down but I can never seem to have the courage pr will to let them go.

I know, there's more to life than rainbows and sunsets and watercolor painted skies, but those are the things that I live for. I keep trying to look at the bright side, but where is it, anyway? I'm blind. Maybe when the storm ends, we will both be standing at the edge, holding the stars in the palm of our hands, but what difference will it make, really? Will there still be you and me, board game nights, Anne Hathaway themed movie marathons? Will we still be doing each other's nails, laughing until our stomachs hurt? Will you still be making me giggle while I'm drinking Coke just so you'd see me spit it out of my nose?

I do worry about all the wrong things, don't I? But sometimes, you must tell me when something's wrong, because I can't go on guessing... It's hard to fumble in the dark when there is not even a tiny spark of light. How will I know what hurts you? You never tell me.

You're so distant now, and it's killing me cause I'm doing all I can... I am probably making a big fool of myself, but it's fine. I can't lose you, although I know you'd say I already have. What changed? We were so excited, we were so sure about our future. Do you now imagine your future without me? Please don't answer.

I think we are both too proud to admit our mistakes. Maybe we have something to learn from this but whatever that something is, I don't need it, okay? I don't. Take everything you want from me. Just please, please stop kicking me out of your life.

I love you.

I Miss Everything About You.

I guess it's one of those things I have no control about. People come, people go. But it's easier said than done. How will I go on with my life when it feels like I'm leaving part of my heart behind? It can't beat properly...

Ching, you may or may not be able to read this, but I'll let my guard down all the same. It's like a letter I will never send. I'm writing this not because I want to force myself into your life. I'm writing this to let all the pain out of me, because I am about to explode.

First of all, Ching, I miss you.














The last few days have been blank. All I remember now are the times I spent thinking and worrying about you. I've known you only for a short time but in all those moments I talked to you, it's like I have been acquainted with your pain. I might never know what hurts you, but it doesn't stop me from feeling the depth of your wounds and wanting to help you treat them, make them heal.

I can't even describe to you how sad you are making me... Don't get me wrong, please... It's not like I'm blaming you... It's just that....I should have been there more for you. I should have let you know how important you are to me. In my life, I claimed you as a younger sister, and it hurts me inconsolably to know that I could have done something-anything, to make you stay.

You did not even say goodbye. You told me you'd hold on and never let life beat you. What happened, Ching? Did they hurt you? Did anyone do something bad to you? I so badly want to protect you, to shield you from all the pain. I so badly want to receive you in my home, my fortress, and be able to tell you that nobody will hurt you anymore.

I guess it's too late for me. I feel like I failed at being a friend because of this. I feel like I have let you down when I promised not to. I feel like you banged the door close on my face. I miss you so much... I miss you so much...

I know you think nobody loves you. Truth is, I do. I may never have told you enough how much you mean to me...I wish I could fly despite my lack of wings. I wish I could give you a hug every single day and tell you how beautiful you are until you believe me, cause you are.

Wherever you are tonight, Ching, I'm sending you all my love. I'm whispering to the wind and I hope it carries to you all the words my heart says but my lips cannot utter. I'm not forcing you, nor even asking to be a part of your life. I just want you to tell me something, even just one word-satiate my heart's thirst for you. I hope you don't feel alone. I may not be there with you, but I am here for you.

I wish I could wipe your tears away. But because I can't, I'll cry with you instead.

If I can't stop you from bleeding, then you can't stop me from bleeding with you.

I love you so much. I hope all is well.

Trying To Be Everything Can make You Lose Your Mind.

She grew up on the side of the road
Where the church bells ring and strong love grows
She grew up good
She grew up slow

Have you ever had that one lonely day when you realized that everything is just not the same?

You look back to what your life was like three months ago and you just can't help but ask yourself: What happened? Where did I go wrong?

People come, people go. What hurts the most is that our feelings stay the same.I wish it was as easy as letting go of money-you know how easy it is to spend money and you don't even mind handing it away to other people. But when it is someone who leaves, it's so difficult. Even giving away your favorite Teddy Bear is hard enough,what more,a person?

Sometimes we don't even have the chance to say goodbye. You just wake up one day and find that they are gone out of sight. What's worse is when they really haven't gone anywhere. You still talk, you still see each other,but somehow, the laughter doesn't sound the same. The tears are not so deep anymore,and as days go by,you don't realize how far you have grown apart.

I'm just lonely tonight. I miss having some people around.If I could,I would beg them to speak to me, but I am much of a coward to do so.I'm scared they might turn me down,and then I'll be left hurting even more. I don't get myself sometimes. I have always believed that if you love someone and you really mean it, you just do. You just love them and not ask for anything in return, but now I'm all demanding for even just one of these people I love to love me. I'm yearning for love. For once, I want to be loved.

It doesn't really help when memories are not on my side. Good or bad, they make me remember how happy it was with them. How happy we all were before I screwed things up. But of course, I fake it all with a smile, and say I am happy for them. I am happy for them-but that doesn't mean I don't feel sorry for myself. I meet cool people and introduce them,and then,all of a sudden, I'm not cool enough to belong with them anymore. It's like I am shoved out, and I keep getting locked out.

I am sorry for ranting here. It's not really a rant,you know?I'm just...I just thought I'd share my feelings. Sometimes, people treat me like I'm a saint. I feel like they forget that I have feelings too. Just because I let it pass when they bully me doesn't mean I don't get hurt. Of course,I do. We wouldn't be this far apart now if I don't get affected.

Anyways...I still can't believe it is September already. SEP. TEM. BER. And almost the 15th. How time flies. I remedy my loneliness by listening to Chistmas songs.Although to be honest,these Christmas songs only make me feel worse.I'm leaving you with my favorite Christmas Song of all time, composed and sung by Jose Marie Chan, a very talented Filipino composer/musician. P.S.- I'm sick, I have runny nose and I can't stop sneezing.Any medicine recs?

Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life.

My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries,and I watched and felt each from the beginning; my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger. I should not seem a part of it. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath - a source of little visible delight, but necessary. I am Heathcliff - he's always, always in my mind - not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself - but as my own being.

 I've been reading Wuthering Heights all day and I still cannot find the will to put the book down.My head is still pounding-it has been aching and throbbing for days now but it doesn't compare to the pain in my chest.

It has been a month and two days. I'm starting to doubt that I can ever forget. What I wouldn't give to forget for even just a second. I wish it was that easy, but then again, this is life. Moreover, everybody dies sometime. Everybody gets left behind.

I am literally sighing as I type down this post. Perhaps, next year, I will look back to this day and laugh at myself. Perhaps I'll wonder why I am so down today,almost losing hope,clueless and scared of the future.Maybe it will all end happily. Maybe one day, I will be able to walk down the streets, good as new, as if I have never gone through something like this at all. Or maybe not.

I kind of made a promise to myself. I've been hurting a lot lately,and I think it's about time I make myself happy. The question is how? How do I make myself happy when as soon as the word happiness comes to mind,all my brain can produce is a very vivid scene of myself with a guy-a guy whose face I cannot see-together in a brightly lit room,feeling warm and cozy,sitting in an oriental rug,reading some novels by the fire. I can hear the crackling sound of the coals breaking as the heat consume them. I can feel his fingertips absentmindedly brushing against mine. The sound of the heavy pouring rain pelting the roofs is so real that I can almost touch it.

I guess I just have to wait,you know? Wait for time to actually mend everything that's broken. But no matter what happens, I will never wait for life. Death has been showing itself to me quite often these days- I have attended quite a lot of funerals, more than normal, if I should say so. Every time I see someone else part with a loved one for good, it breaks me. It breaks me cause I know how awful it feels to know that there is NOTHING you can do. Sometimes, it almost drives me crazy, knowing that it doesn't really matter if I cry all night. In the morning, he still will not be there, and the only thing that will change is that my eyes will appear puffier than they already are.

With that said, I just realized that nothing good really comes out of my grievance. It only annoys my friends who don't care enough and hurts the ones who do. So I'm letting go...Step by step, day by day, we will part until it's not so painful anymore. I will keep my head up,searching the skies for the brightest star,and I shall assume it is you,shining down on me. I will keep my head up and let the golden beams of sunlight kiss my face,and it shall be just as good as your lips brushing smoothly against my skin.

I shall love everything beautiful in this world, and it will be like loving you, and it will be like you are never gone at all.

I'll Put His Picture Down And Maybe Get Some Sleep Tonight.

 Tonight,I wanna cry.

But my tearducts seem to finally dry with the last flow of tears. I'm still in pain,but I can't cry anymore. My eyes got tired,I guess.

This is so hard,but I promised myself that starting tomorrow,I will wake up with a big goofy grin on my face and go on with my life.I'm not going to force myself though...I will do it step by step.What matters is that I will stop moping around and being such a nuisance to the universe.

I'm letting go now...Not giving up.I know this is for the better,so I'm going to start explaining to myself that I am in reality,and that I have to deal with it sooner or later.I'm doing it now.Acceptance is the first step.

I will always have him in my heart forever.His name will be embossed there,and no one can ever take that away.I will remember him each time I look at the skies and watch the stars burn,and I will always long for those nights when we lay on the grass with our fingers laced together. There will always be this empty space in my heart that will long for him,ache for his love,but I will never let this pain beat me.

C, I miss you so much and I feel guilty when I'm happy when you are not here and you never will be,but I know you are watching over me somewhere,and  I only want you too see beautiful things about me.I can conquer this.I have gone through the saddest part...

Aside from these sentiments, I am so confused right now.I got a phone call from my Mom,she bought us a new laptop and PSP and jewelry,and is booking a vacation to Baguio in December for us.

If you are a typical teenager,you might say "Wow,cool,yaddayaddayadda..." The thing is,I appreciate it,but that doesn't mean I'm happy.

Last Friday,we had a fight.It goes way way back,I sincerely can't remember,but it's one of those things that you keep pushing underwater but keeps floating back to the shore,if you know what I mean.

See,I told her to just forget my sister and I,in a very nice way cause I did not have the heart to talk to her harshly.I was on a bus,sending he text messages,crying.My lips were trembling. I told her everything I have buried deep inside me for so long.That she didn't prioritize us.That she had no time for us.That we were just an option for her.That she only talked to us when she had no one else to talk to.That she had no right to scream at us saying we live like we have no Mother when it was her who first went on living like she had no children.

It pained my heart to say those things to her but that was how I felt.All our lives,I said yes to everything just to make her happy and avoid arguments and confrontations.She told me that she loved us more than anything else and that she'd rather die than have us disown her.

So today she told me about all those things she bought for us.Her voice sounded so excited.I wanted to tell her not to do that but I couldn't,because I was afraid I would hurt her. The thing is,I haven't told my sister yet.

I feel like a bridge,you know?I want to connect the gap between my Mom and my sister. Rhiza kind of hates her right now. She wouldn't even talk to her. It's just so hard to be in my shoes right now cause I don't know what to do anymore,especially with all the other factors that I have to consider.

If I accept what Mom gives me,I might hurt my grandmother's feelings (they don't get along well) and my aunts might judge me. I don't know. If I don't accept it then I would hurt my Mom and she'd say I am brainwashed. See? I don't know where to place myself.

I just want all these stupid fights to end. They're childish and immature,and I want a normal life.Is that too much to ask?i'm thinking of talking to my grandmother and telling her that even though Mom hurts me,she's still my mother. But I can't. I can't talk to anyone at home in a note as serious as that.

That's the problem with us. We do not have an open communication...

And it kills me.

Slowly.

Painfully.

For You The Future's Easy,For Me It's Getting Steep

Your best friend says you are such a pushover.

You let people take what they want from you. You let people say what they want. You let people win cause you don't want to fight.

The love of your life dies. You need someone to hug you...Just one single hug. Someone hugs you,but simply,it's not enough.

You are ill,and she's not the right medicine to help you heal.

Your Mom doesn't know...Cause she works away from you,and when she does call and you're not busy enough with studies,and you have the time to answer,all she says is how hard it is to work,how her job kills her, how lonely she is. You want to tell her about how miserable you are feeling, knowing she might understand, cause she went through this too when your father died, but she says goodbye and ends the call right after she asks if you have eaten yet. You check the call time duration, your phone says 3 minutes and 26 seconds.

Your sister doesn't care. She's not aware that you are always there for her...That you will always be. You love her more than anyone else in the family, but she doesn't feel the same for you. She knows... She knows your heart is hurting,but that isn't reason enough for her to really look at you and for once,make you feel like she feels responsible for you,too.

Your aunts don't notice. When you are home, they avoid looking you in the eyes. They don't know what's going on with your life outside the house,and it may hurt to admit,but they don't seem to care.As long as you graduate soon,work soon,bring home money soon...That's what their world revolves around.

Your garndmother is the most caring woman on the face of the planet.Still, you don't tell her. She doesn't want you to have a boyfriend just yet. You are nineteen years old. You want to tell her,but a lot is going on with her life right now,too,and you worry about her. She lost her brother,and she puts up a strong charade,just like you do,but you know that deep inside,every part of her is crushed to pieces--just like you.

You start showing your feelings,your friends start avoiding you. You feel like they cannot deal with your pain,with the pain of your loss because they are not on the same boat. You think to yourself what you would do if you were in their shoes and they were in yours. You answer, you would be there for them no matter what,to help them through it.

Your mind is filled with unhappy thoughts. You feel so alone-left alone,while the world keeps going on around you. Your abruptly stopped living while the rest of the world,even your so called friends, walk by...They walk past you and throw you one sympathetic glance, and then that's it. They go on with their lives as if you were never a part of it in the first place.Within days or a short week,you find out who your real friends are.

You feel the pain flooding your heart,tearing you to pieces. You want somebody to say you're fine like this, that you have the right to mope, to let your heart heal...But no one does.

You cry yourself to sleep,wishing you will one day wake up and see him smiling at you,telling you that you had a bad dream. You curl up into a ball, hide in dark corners, avoid everyone because you are scared you might lose them, too, if you let them see how broken you are.

Because no one wants a broken thing. They would have no use for them.

And that's what you are right now...Broken, useless.

Love Is Stronger Than Death

Life is odd.

I mellowed down tonight and watched Griffin and Phoenix. It was all about doing whatever makes you happy while you are still alive. Pretty good, it made me cry.

Now,I'm waiting for "City Of Angels" to load on Youtube. Yes, it's 10:41 PM and the first part isn't even halfway loaded. It has 10 parts or so,if I am not mistaken.

Somewhere in here Mimi is playing The Sims 2. I'm not really sure where exactly she is right now,for all I know she might even be on the roof. She has this uncanny (I just want to use this word okay?) habit of dragging the laptop wherever she pleases. She came busrting out the bedroom door earlier to check on me. Apparently,I was sobbing loudly...Don't judge me,I wasn't aware.

I'm still super lonely but my friends are doing a very good job in distracting me from feeling the urge to lock myself in a dark room and cry.Maybe they are all conspiring against me.I really don't mind...It's nice to know that someone cares every once in a while.

There's Mainia and Ate Li,Ching,Ate Pat,Darcy and Mar and Ketty who never fail to remind me that I am not alone.I cannot thank them enough for putting up with me. There's Sofia and Leslie and Mailen and Ani and Rani and Lika and Yuannita and Lauren and Maddie and everyone else in between. Pretty pretty hearts...They make me feel loved. Then there's Yasmina and Monica.They save me...Day by painful day. I want you all to know how thankful and lucky I am for having you all in my life. I feel your presence lingering beside me.Whenever it gets too lonely,too dark,I think about you and I'm alright again.

I can't say I'm happy now. It's not that easy,but I am just starting to accept it.I think it's safe to say that I'm starting to heal and learning to let go of the things that hurt me...Not only him,but everything else.

It's not that I don't love you anymore...

It's just that I taught myself to stop caring about you. We fell down this hole and you helped yourself up and left me all alone.

If you think it's you,so be it.

C, I love you.With every single heartbeat.

It's So Hard To Let Go.

It's unfair how the world keeps spinning when I am stuck in the past and cannot move on.

You know,I tell my friends I'm okay. I laugh and smile and try living my life,but only few of them notice my pretenses and are actually brave enough to call me up on it.

Truth is,I am nearly suicidal. These thoughts run in my head all day and I find myself weighing my options. Who would cry?Who would get hurt?Who would actually feel like I am feeling now?I don't think somebody loves me this much.

Some of my friends are avoiding me now... Maybe,they just don't know how to deal with me anymore... I would say it's fine,but it isn't.It hurts even more because I need them now,and they only turn around and walk away from me,because they do not know what to say,or they do not want to hear what I have to say.

What they don't know is I really have nothing to say.

I just need silence. A shoulder to cry on. A hand to hold while I fumble in the dark.

I don't need them to be sorry for me...I just want to know that they are here for me.

That's the hardest part of losing you. It feels like I have lost everything,too.

Or maybe,because you're all I really had,and I've been denying that to myself all this time.

I'll Never Let You Go

"Hey," Jasper greeted, holding me by the waist.

The sun was setting on the horizon, making the bay glisten like liquid silver. I squinted at the sight.

"Anything wrong?"

I shook my head,smiling. "It's all perfect. Too much glitter just hurts my eyes."

"I thought you loved sunsets."

"I do." I walked over to the edge of the yacht, enjoying the view. We were in Manila Bay, overlooking SM Mall of Asia, bordered by Roxas Boulevard. On the concrete pavement, kids were running, biking... Pairs of lovers were walking hand in hand, or sitting back to back, enjoying the moment, like we were.

"Are you still scared of going on cruise?" He suddenly looked worried, his eyebrows creased, his eyes searched mine.

"I'll be fine," I lied. I was scared of the ocean. "I think I'll manage."

"You know," he whispered, taking my hand, "it will be fun, we could sneak out on the bow and maybe re-enact that Titanic scene? I can be your Jack."

I smiled at that.Heck,I smiled at every little thing he said,no matter how senseless and shallow. It was always easy with him, I never had to be on my guard.

"And then you, Alice, should run around the ship wearing a long flowy night gown and seduce Jasper, and then you know what happens next," Emmett chuckled, bemused. I rolled my eyes at him.

Our food arrived and we ate dinner, excited for the cruise. We were wearin formal clothes, it was uncomfortable and too warm, but I did not complain. I was playing with Jasper's cellphone, tweeting.

I'm gay, I typed, and pressed the tweet button. That sent me to hysterics, leaving all my friends puzzled as to why I was laughing like mad. When Jasper saw what I just did, he caught me in his arms and started tickling me. We were frowned upon by my best friend, Bella.

"Could you guys act a little more decent?" She scoffed, then left us on the table. Edward mumbled an apology, which I answered with a smile.

~~~

"Have you taken your medicine yet?" Jasper asked, popping at the door of our cabin. Their cabin was right next to ours.

"Yes, Sir!" I straightened my posture, imitating a soldier with a salute.

"Good," he replied shortly. He patted the hem of my skirt, frowning. "Isn't this skirt a bit too short?"

"It's just right!" I argued, measuring the length of my navy blue skirt with my outstreched fingers. "See? Two inches above the knees. Standard size."

"Whatever you say." He shrugged, then walked off. I followed suit, thinking he was upset.

"Hey!" I called out, earning stares of annoyance from the other students on board, but they were the least of my priorities, so I continued anyway.

Jasper stopped abruptly, knocked on a cabin's door, and asked our classmate, Jehin, if we could talk in the cabin for a moment. She reluctatnly agreed, and he pulled me by the hand and closed the door.

"Are you okay?" I asked, pating his dimpled cheek twice. "Did you take your medicine?"

He was in medication, too. His heart, like mine, was weak, and he couldn't get very tired or things would turn out ugly. He nodded, flashing me a grin.

"Remember the Titanic promise?" He asked all of a sudden. I squinted my eyes at him, asking what he meant.

"Come on." He dragged me and we ran to the bow of the ship,where we were prohibited that night. We stood there, the wind blew my hair and he was behind me, our arms raised in the air like wings.

"You should say I am the King of the world!" I instructed him, but he just laughed at me.

"No," he said, chuckling. "That was Jack. Now, this is me."

He held my hand tight, then, on the top of his lungs, he shouted. "I am the luckiest jerk in the world!"

"That was so unromantic," I complained, pouting. "But that will do, I guess."

"Of course that will do," he agreed, smelling my hair. "You love me too much to argue."

"Someone's an airhead," I teased. "Let's go back inside. We're needed in the gallery."

The gallery is a cruise ship's kitchen. There you would find rows and rows of white plates, silverware, and all the other kitchen utensils you could ever think of. As we eneterd the gallery, everyone was already busy working.

"Brandon, Whitlock, late!" Mrs. Nunez scolded. We bowed down to say we were sorry, then proceeded to the sink where we washed the dishes in silence.

My hands were wrinkly because of the dishwashing paste, and I've got bubbles on my hair from all the work, when my back itched like crazy.

"Scratch my back!" I screeched at him. He just smirked then began itching my back.

"Poor little Alice, what would you do without me?"

"Don't say that!" I requested, suddenly scared. "You shouldn't say that unless you are planning on leaving me."

"Never," he whispered, tucking my hair behind my ears. "Promise."

"Promises are made to be broken, Jazz." Bella smirked, mopping the floor.


"You know me," Jasper answered. "I never break a word I say."

 "Prove it," she said, then walked away. I stared at my best friend's retreating figure, clueless as to why she was acting like that towards Jasper.

Jasper just shrugged at me when I told him about it. "She doesn't think anybody's good enough for you, that's all."

"Fine," I grumbled before walking off to the restaurant where the other passengers and patrons were beginning to head to, dressed to the nines.

~~~

Edward and Emmett were bartending and doing bar tricks, earning a lot of tips from the awestruck customers. Jasper was waiting on tables, so was I. Every once in a while, we stopped to talk, flirt a little, or just stare at each other. We finished our shift at 2 in the morning, and the ship arrived in Cebu at about 4 or 5. We were sent straight to Crown regency Towers where we just plopped ourselves on the bed and slept, because we were all dead tired.

I was awakened by the noise Bella made in the morning, rummaging through the room.

"Good morning," I greeted, my voice was still full of sleep. "Do you need help in turning this suite upside down?"

"No, you better hurry and get dressed," she answered seriously. "Our seminar is starting in an hour."

My eyes grew wide with horror. "Oh crap, I wouldn't be able to get ready in an hour!"

"I know right?"

I began zipping and unzipping my bags, fumbling for my things. I ended up in a pastel yellow colored dress and a black bolero thirty minutes later. Edward was waiting outside for Bella.

"Hey." I punched his shoulder lightly. "Where's Jasper?"

"I think you should wake him up." He answered seriously. "you know I'm not patient in waking people up."

"you're never patient, period." I giggled then made my way to their room.

Slants of sunshine were pouring in through the tall glass windows. He was peacefully sleeping but the rise and fall of his chest was not normal, so I sat by his side and began shaking him.

"Jasper? Jasper, wake up. you have to hurry up, our seminar is half an hour away."

No answer.

"Jasper, come on. You could sleep later..."

Something that sounded like a grunt came from his throat, and then that was it.

His breathing rapidly increased and then they were gone as soon as they came. I was screaming frantically for help, checking his pulse and his heartbeat,they were almost gone. After ten minutes or so, I heard a loud siren below and then it was a blur of arms and limbs being carried away.

I remember throwing in information, like what exactly happened, his heart disease, how old he was, what he ate last night, what time he went to bed, and so on and so off. I remember running fourteen flights of stairs because I was scared the elevators might fail and I would be stuck inside and I wouldn't be able to be there with him, for him.

I remember running after the stretcher he was on, being pushed and shoved by random paramedics, being shouted at. In the end, all I could do was sit there in the curb while the ambulance sped away. Everything seemed like the movies-slow motion,the skies were gray, and my best friend was there, rubbing my back.

~~~

That afternoon, I took the plane back to Manila. I didn't know where he was, or what his condition was. I was clutching my phone but I got no text messages, let alone a phone call. I was worried, but there was nothing I could do,so I went home.

When nighttime fell and everyone was dreaming beautiful dreams, I lay in bed feeling empty and lonely. I thought back on all the years we have spent together as friends, and I cried until I fell asleep. That night, I wished I'd dream about him, but I didn't.

The next morning, I got a message from his Mom informing me that he was admitted in the University Hospital. They specialize in heart ailments, and he was in the Intensive Care Unit. I immediately got dressed to pay him a visit.

When I arrived there,his Mom wrapped me in a hug. I gave her a wry smile, trying hard to appear strong for once. "How is he?"

She began sobbing, shaking. "The doctors said the only thing keeping him alive is the breathing apparatus..."

"Calm down," I said, but deep inside I was bleeding. The only thing keeping him alive is the breathing apparatus, that is bullshit! I pulled his Mom in for another hug. A tear trickled down my face, but I wiped it away simply, then pretended to smile and look strong.

"He'll be fine," I said. I did not know whether I said that to make her feel better, or was I just creating another illusion for myself?

~~~

I was wearing a horrible looking green hospital gown and a transparent plastic hair cover. He was lying there, on the bed, surrounded by all the white. There were no flowers,no colors.

"I wouldn't cry," I announced, as if I was having a very normal conversation with him under a very normal circumstance.

I walked nearer, each step was careful,as if somehow any heavy sound could hurt him. I held his hand...His fingernails were bluish. It took all of my strength not to break down and cry right then, right there.

"Hey..." I whispered. My voice cracked and I had to clear my thoat several times.My mouth felt so dry. "Wake up..."

Beep. Beep. Beep. His heart monitor was beeping regularly. It was the only noise besides my voice.

"I ate ice cream today," I informed him, rubbing little circles on his palm. "I ate two cones,one for you, and one for me..."

Beep.

"I know,I know you envy me...If you weren't such a jerk you could have accompanied me you know?"

Beep. Beep.

"I still can't believe that Tweety Bird is not a girl. Teletubbies were better though..."

Beep. Beep. Beep...

I lay my head on the bed, so that we were face to face. His eyes were completely closed shut, his lips were pale,so pale.

I ran my fingers through his hair carefully,as if it were some delicate piece of golden thread. The beeping sound continued, an insult to my injury. Each sound was another gash in my heavily wounded heart that would throb in pain forever.

"You said you would never leave me," I reminded him, squeezing his hand. "You're cheating..."

I stared at his face. It was just the two of us, living in silence. "Please fight... For me... For us..."

That was all it took for two drops of tears to form on his eyes, and then they raced towards the sides of his nose. His lips quivered, but that was all I got. I wiped his tears dry,ignoring my own tears that were starting to drown me.

"Can you hear me?" My voice was louder, rougher.

"Can you hear me? Wake up, wake up, you fool! You can't leave me like this..."

Fresh set of tears watered his pasty face, and I was sobbing hysterically when his Mom entered the room and helped me up. She was with his Dad, and another woman that I have only met now, and then a Doctor.

"This is Sienna, his step sister." His Mom introduced me to the woman, who acted indifferent,as if she couldn't care less.

The Doctor told me about his real condition. He used those hard to spell professional medical terms and all other stuff, but from what i understood, he was brain dead and his chances of survival were 1 out of 1000. If he ever did survive, he would have to have therapy, or he might have temporary amnesia due to the trauma it brought him to.

In short, they thought the best way out of this was to unplug the breathing apparatus...And end his misery.

It would end his life,too, and that I couldn't take.

"Please,no..."

I held on to his Mom for support. She was sobbing again, like I was.

His Dad was teary eyed. Sienna looked bored.

"His bills are sky high," she stated harshly. "If this goes on for long we might have to sell the car or the house or God knows what."

I looked at his Dad. He reamined silent,perhaps,contemplating on things.

"We're not even sure if he'd live," Sienna added.

"But there's still a chance that he would," i politely interrupted. She gave me a cold, hard glare. "Please..."

"Fine," she muttered. "One week. If he doesn't wake up in a week, we'll give it up,okay? I hate seeing him like this."

After the doctor performed some tests and stuff, they all went out and again,I was alone with him.

I planted a kiss on the top of his head. "Please wake up soon... Keep your promise..."

As soon as the door clicked shut behind me,I couldn't help but be scared, because promises are made to be broken.

The Final Straw

Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.

I think I'm being the girl I used to be again. I'll wear no pretenses this time--I am so depressed. I'm tired of pretending to be so happy, so hyper just so I would not ruin the mood of my friends. I'm lonely, and I need to bleed it out or it'll stay in me forever.


I hate it,I hate being like this. Last night, I almost pleaded for my friends to stay with me. My friends in real life and some internet friends... I thought I at least deserved some of their time,since when they were the ones who needed me,I dropped everything just to be there for them. Well, they did not have time. It's so fucking disappointing,you know? I am so mad at the world. Why is everything so unfair?


Now I really know who my real friends are. Rani thought I was referring to her when I said some friends only remember me when they need something. Truth is, Rani saved me last night. She made me laugh with all those Chinese zodiacs, it was fun talking to her. She did not ignore the fact that I was a ROBOT, and she did something about it. Yasmina was there,too. I'm not surprised, she always has been there.

Anyway....I don't think I can live like this. I wish my friends know that I have feelings,too. I'm not some superhero you can run to whenever you need help. Sometimes, I need help too. Sometimes, I need you,too. I wish you could like,take five minutes out of your precious time and for once,ask me. Ask me what's wrong. Help me ease this burden in my heart. You are supposed to do that,cause you are supposed to be my friends.


Don't tell me we'll talk next time cause THERE IS NO NEXT TIME. I needed you last night. Call me selfish,call me a bitch. When it's you who needs me,I move heaven and earth just to be able to help you. I'm tired of all your excuses and all these pretenses. I can see right through you....You're not here, because you are perfectly happy with your life right now.


One day soon,you will need me again, and you will realize I'm not there aymore.


You have lost me,and I hope it gives you hell.

I Need To Feel You.

Take me back...Take me back in your arms...

The only way I could hear your voice these days is when you're on the phone, telling me how hard your job is...You once told me that you noticed how tired I was,how tired I sounded...You didn't know the reason behind my silence.

I wanted to tell you that my classmate used to say that one day we would fly.She made us fall in line back in second grade and pressed our foreheads until they were bloody red,because supposedly, that was the only way we could fly. That night, I stayed awake, waiting for my body to start floating magically on air. I could not wait to fly. I could not wait to fly to you...

I wanted to tell you that I started liking a guy when I was in sixth grade. He had beautiful skin, and I hated my best friend because she liked him too, and unlike me,she was not discreet about it. I wanted to tell you that my teachers told everyone that they were pretty...Everyone except me, because I was boyish and unruly. Because nobody was there to say I should have grown my hair, I should have tied it up so that it would not cover my face.

I wanted to tell you how happy I was when my crush covered my eyes with his hands when I was thirteen.When I was fourteen, I thought I was in love. I rushed into things and got my heart broken for the first time. I wished you were there for me while I cried silently inside the bathroom, because I wanted no one to hear me. The pain was rippling, and I got over it, but every night, I wished you were there... I wished you were here...

I wanted to tell you how much I have grown. How I wanted you to be in the picture as I clicked the camera shutter on my sister's graduation. I wanted you to be with me when I enrolled for College. I wanted to tell you how I loved my College course, but you didn't like it. I wanted to prove to you that I was right...

Now, I'm nineteen. When you were my age, you had me. I want to tell you about my friends who call their Moms bitches just because the women won't let them use the computer, or go out with friends. I want to tell you how selfish I think they are for taking their Moms for granted. I want you to know how proud I am of myself because not once do I think of you the way they think about their Moms. I could tell you a lot right now... I could tell you how much pain I am feeling because of you, because you left, because I lost you, and never found you again. I want to tell you, Hey Mom...It's me. Hey Mom, what's for breakfast? Hey Mom, these are my friends. Hey Mom, can I have some spare cash? Hey Mom, let's bake a cake. Hey Mom, is everything alright? Hey Mom, I love you every fucking second of my life. Hey Mom, it hurts. Hey Mom... Did my heart break enough this time? Did it break enough...?

Mom,every time I remember you...I remember you yelling at me...Because that's all the memory I have.Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night from dreaming about the very first time you went away. It's like I am there all over again, red rimmed eyes, tear soaked shirt... I did not beg you to stay, but you did not see my lips quiver when I mumbled goodbye.

Mom, I wish I never said goodbye... Maybe if I didn't,you would have came back...

Keep Breathing,I'm Not Leaving You Anymore

I love you...I loved you all along...

What if you spent all your life working hard on something, and then it didn't happen the way you planned? What if for ages,you kept to yourself...You never spoke of the way you felt about certain things or people,and then,one day,when it was already too late,you found out that they felt the same?What if you devoted everything you own to one person,and then they ended up disappointing you?

Time...You don't buy it cause you can't. It's free,but only while it lasts.

We waste too much time thinking about what could have been,instead of working on what is. Most of us believe that life is all about what we have,when in fact,life is all about what we do with what we have.We always focus on what we want,and as soon as we get what we want,we wound up wanting more.It's an endless and redundant process,and in the end, we all die with nothing to bring but our souls,anyway.

I used to do everything I could to prevent myself from getting hurt,because as I have said a thousand times before,pain is the greatest of my fears.Now that I am smarter and older,I found out that pain is what I need in order to grow.It might be forced out of me,but it's all for goodness' sake,and through it, I am better.

We all have our regrets. We often make mistakes, and do things the wrong way, or simply just do the wrong things.Our lives don't have to stop because of one single mistake though. Go back to the one you left if you feel like you belong with them. Say how sorry you are, and mean it. Tell yourself that you will try not to falter again, and with all your heart, prove it.You owe it to yourself to pursue your happiness,and dwelling in the past and carrying its burden in your shoulders is not a way to achieve it.

Sometimes,we have to move on, because goodbye is the only way.

Sometimes,we are blessed with the choice to stay...And times like that,the opportunity should never be wasted.

Because regret is one bitter pill to swallow.

Midnight Melancholy

I just feel like pouring my heart out to anyone who would listen.

I miss the past and all the people who were a part of it. I miss the people who claimed to care about me, when deep down, I knew as well as them, that they didn’t. I miss the way things used to be. I didn’t want to believe it, not like how I do now, I’ve finally realized…people always leave.

It's so easy to say that life goes too fast to ever notice what have changed and what remained the same,but when I look back  a year from now,it's clear that in the course of a month or twelve,I have been forced to grow and face life for once,maybe twice.It's just so weird that I feel so young and reckless,I want to experiment on things,but I am too afraid to try.

I've been trying so hard to blend in with the world,but I feel like I keep being shoved out of the picture,and maybe it's better to just drag myself away before anything or anyone can hurt me...But how would I learn about life if I keep on running away from it?

I try to talk to the people I really miss the most,but I don't know what to say...Or more accurately,I don't know if they want me to say anything,so I don't.But living deep inside me are the words waiting for me to bring them to life.Like how much I miss you.Like how much I wish we could stay the same.Like how painful it is for me to look back on our old happy days,knowing that's what they will always be--memories.

It still pains me to see that the people I cannot possibly live without,can live without me,you know? Sometimes,it even feels like they are doing things on purpose...Like showing me that they can go on even without me,and times like that,the idea of just disappearing altogether sounds so delicious that it's all I could do to stop myself from snapping my finger and vanishing right away.It's just so weird that yesterday you had them to yourself,and then the next thing you knew,they were five steps ahead,and you were left behind.On your own.

I wish I was never born this way,vulnerable and sensitive,and over passionate.I love too much,and that's the problem.I have a hard time of letting go of all the things and people that I know I would eventually lose.If I could sum up what I have learned so far about life in three words,it would be very simple.

Life goes on...

The Wait

I'll be back, you said. That was all I really needed to hear.

For years,I sat by the window,waiting for your return. I watched the raindrops splash into the glowing pavement, and chased butterflies in the garden during the Summer.

Wishing you were there to hold me close,like you always used to do.

Not a day passed by that somehow,at some point,I did not think about you.

Why can't I just go with you? I asked,my eyes were rubbed out,swelling,as I cried for you.

I cried for you...

Your old gray shirt somehow comforted me.I wore it at night,when there were thunderstorms and I was much too terrified to sit by the window and wait.

I cuddled with your shirt,inhaling your scent that was barely there.Sometimes,I inhaled so deeply that I ran out of breath,desperately trying to catch the fragrance and hold it in my lungs.It was the only way I could hold you in me.

When I celebrated my birthday,I looked myself in the mirror and somehow found that I was not the girl I used to be.Everything has changed,but my feelings for you remained the same.Untouched,unfathomable. I whispered Happy Birthday to myself, concentrating hard on mimicking your voice to perfection,so that I would feel that you were there,celebrating with me.

When times were tougher,I would lock myself up in my room and just whisper your name.I talked to you like you were always with me,like you were never gone at all.I told you about my days,about my wait,my patience,and my faith that one day you would walk through that door again,and I would be there,throwing my arms around you,and you would know how much I have missed you.

I hugged myself in bed,and I never forgot to say my good night to you,like a prayer,before I go to sleep. I once stayed awake all night,awaiting your return,staring at the ceiling,projecting virtual memories of the times I spent with you.I was so into it that when the bubble showed you turning your back from me,I began to sob and plead.

Don't walk away. Don't leave me again...

 And I woke up to the sound of the chirping birds and passing cars,and I hugged my pillow tight because it was the only thing I could do back then,because you were not there.

You were never there.

Last night,I set the table for dinner,turned off all the lights and lit a candle.The table was filled with your favorite food; there were roses and daffodils in cut glass bowls around me. I set two plates across each other on the table,and poured wine on the glasses.The sound of it touching the bottom of the glass was almost intoxicating.I felt your presence,and I knew,I just knew,that you'd be dining with me.

And so I put on my best smile and tried not to cry.

Happy Birthday,Mom. I whispered into the dark, and right at that moment, nineteen years didn't seem too long a wait.It was worth it.

Because for once,you were back,and your voice that I heard,saying that you loved me, was not a product of my imagination anymore.

It was real,and you were,too.

I hugged the telephone before putting it back on its cradle,trying my hardest to capture that moment forever.With my eyes closed,I held on to the last flimsy strand of hope that maybe you thought about me as much as I thought about you while the distance between our feet lingered.Maybe I had you beside me all along...

Don't go,I sobbed when you said goodbye.

On the other line,I heard you sigh. I'll be back.

And that was all I really needed to hear.

From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart

*click the image to enlarge

Well hello, I have been flamed again. :)

After weeks of not updating my Fanfiction The Day You Said Goodnight, I decided that tonight, it's about time I do, since I have free time.

But then again, maybe I decided wrong. First review for my latest chapter: FLAME.

Aurike, you see, doesn't like tragic stories. I mean I understand her. She also flamed me in Chasing Rainbows. And now, she couldn't understand why Jasper had to choose between ALice and the baby, because according to her, we now have advanced (modern, whatever...) technology like the Ceasarian section wherein Alice could give birth to the baby without harming any of them...

So I said, this is the plot of my story. If this wouldn't happen, my story would be pointless because then it wouldn't revolve around anything. Believe me, I hate plotless stories.

She responded with the private message above. Again, I understand her point, but it's not that easy to not take it personally when she said "your doctors are just stupid".

First of all, I wrote those Doctors. I was the one to give them souls and lives, so that meant I am stupid for writing them like that. Okay, I am stupid. She just basically called me stupid, and I am not hurt. It's fine.

Second, she called me cruel for writing stories like this. Well then, I hope she could give me some tips and suggestions in what I should write next because clearly, she doesn't like what I am doing right now. I would really want to know what she wants to read so that I could please her...So I am cruel, and I am slightly hurt. Does she even know me personally to say this to me? I don't know, cause she is hidden behind a computer screen. No photos, no stories, no description of herself.

Third, she speaks as if she knows everything there is to know about life. Let me ask, has she had a friend who gave birth to a dead infant? Well, my friend did. She was not even sick when she was pregnant with her baby. That was last year. She and the baby were perfectly healthy, they could afford all those modern technology, and her husband didn't have to choose. Still, my point here is that the baby DIED. The baby came out DEAD even after all the smiles and assurances that everything would work out fine. Now,compare this to my story, which is worse? Does this mean that the Author of my friend's life is cruel like me, or maybe even more? No, cause life happens like that. That's what I have been trying to inject on her mind from the very start, but Aurike just wouldn't buy it.

I am never an angry person, you know? I rarely get mad because i always try to put myself on someone's shoes before judging them, but this is just too much for me to handle. Just please,if you have nothing good to say, just don't review, alright? I appreciate constructive criticism, but your criticism is just plain criticism--you create them to bring me down, and trust me,you almost succeeded but I am one tough girl. If I am, by any means, disappointing you with my writings, then, quit reading them. It's as easy and simple as that... I don't know why you even bother in the first place.

This would be the last time I'd address this issue. I just want to make my point clear, because it seems to me that you cannot see it. I don't think you know me personally,so please have some respect and stop using adjectives to describe me.Introduce yourself to me, tell me what you want, and maybe we could even be friends. I want you to be happy, but it looks like your happiness depends on bringing me down,so I regret to inform you that should you keep up with this,you will never know true happiness.

So long, Aurike. I'll be waiting for your suggestions on how I can write better stories. Perhaps you know better than I do. And please, I want to read some of your works too. If you are not too busy making other people miserable, please make time to write one.

Thanks.

Seann.

He Didn't Tell Me How To Live; he Lived, And Let Me Watch Him Do It.

A father is always making his baby into a little woman.  And when she is a woman he turns her back again.  ~Enid Bagnold

This is just depressing. I don't know why I can't let it all go completely without chasing after it... Without chasing after him...

Everybody says it's okay, that's life... But it's easy for them to say that I have to move on because the have no idea how painful it is to lose a father. After all, they still have theirs.

I can't help but be jealous when I see my classmates being driven to school by their Dads, because I've never had that experience. When wedding bells ring and a bride walks down the aisle, arms linked with her Dad's, it pushes me on the verge of crying... Because I will never experience that. I may be able to ask the orchestra to play Dance With My Father or Butterfly Kisses, things like this can be faked, but not the emotions I would feel when I'm dancing, twirling in some other man's arms.

No one can replace my father. It hurts me when people nudge me and whisper "there goes your new Dad" then point to my Mom's new man. It makes me cringe. How can they be so heartless, so insensitive about my feelings? Aren't they aware of the weeping thirteen year old hidden beneath my grown up facade? Because I, I can feel her presence inside me. She is grieving, even until now, and I guess she always will. My hair might have grown longer, my limbs taller, my body leaner, but deep inside, emotionally, I have never really grown. I'm still that thirteen year old, caged in my emotions, dealing with my mourn alone. Because seven years canot erase the fact that I'm blaming myself for this horrific loss that our family has gone through.

No one really speaks about him at home. When someone does, it is indirect and casual, as if they are talking about an old television set, or something that passed naturally. I don't think I need to analyze why; it's pretty clear. No one can talk about him and the things he did in the past, because no one can laugh about it. Because saying "he used to" would confirm everything. It would knock on our heads and deliver a mail saying he really is gone. And we don't want that to happen. For us, he lives on. We may not be the type of family who still sets a plate in the dining table for him, but we are living in a delicate bubble where all we do is smile and dream and convince ourselves that he is alive, and that's what helps us get through each day.

I cannot, and might never grasp the fact that he is completely gone. In my heart, he is alive. In my heart, it is always June 20, 2003, a day before his accident. A day where he was at home, helping my aunts rearrange the funiture while I was curled up in a ball in the sofa, reading Frances Hodgson Burnett's The Secret Garden. It was the last time we ate lunch together, and after that day, nothing stayed the same. Ever since he was gone, there's an aching hollow in my chest, an empty seat in the dining table, a gap in the family that used to form a perfect circle.

Ironically, the last perfect day of my life reaches its seventh anniversary today, June 20, 2010. And it's Fathers Day.

You're The Only Thing I Know Like The Back Of My Hand...

And I can't breathe without you, but I have to...

I really don't know how I should start with this. Perhaps I am crazy. Perhaps I was crazy, and have just come to the conclusion that I am not crazy enough to fit in.

 You know, when you reach a point in your life when you meet a friend whom you cherish more than you do yourself, you have this feeling that no matter what it takes, you would stay by their side. No matter the consequences, you are ready to break any barriers for them.

That was how it used to be for us. Do you remember that time, when everyone seemed to conspire against us? I was pretty sure back then that if they pulled the trigger, I would jump and take the bullet, if it meant you were spared. I honestly treated you like my sisters.

But as we all know, time changes everything. Even fire burns itself out after some time. For so many times... I tried saying goodbye, but I came back hustling every single time, didn't I? Maybe because I am not that easy to beat, you know? I don't let simple things bring me down, and as long as there is a way, I'll fumble in the dark to find it.

Well...Things are quite different now, I must admit. You may kick my knee in denial, and tell me that it's all the same...but please, just....don't. Okay? Listen to me, you two. I have a heart that feels, and this heart...Well, it feels that the three of us are walking in a narrow alley, and you know? We can't walk if it's the three of us together. Someone has to go and walk behind the other two so hat we could all pass comfortably, and that someone is definitely me. And it's okay, really, I'm more than willing and happy, because I know that you are both happy. That's all I could ever ask for.

Sometimes, things like this really happen to people. Maybe at first we thought it was the three of us that were destined to be best friends, when in fact it was just the two of you, and I was just a bridge. A happy bridge, by the way. I can see that through this weeks, you have gone closer to each other, and well.. Far apart from me. I admit, sometimes, of course, it hurts me, but there's nothing I can do about it, right? So it's okay... I mean, you know... Maybe I'm like, not supposed to be in the pot or something... Like a wild weed that belongs in a prairie... Watchamacallit. Anyway, what I'm saying is that I am not saying goodbye. But I am not holding on anymore, either, because I've kind of given up all hopes that it will all be the same again. Kind of.

So...yeah...Uh... I think that's just about it. I had the greatest times of my life talking to you and everything... And it was nice knowing you and I'm happy for you. And I hope all your dreams and wishes come true... Whatever you may ask for... So.... Thank you for everything....

I love you.