Tell Me Something Sweet To Get Me By.

*click photo to enlarge.

For Once,Things Are As Bright As They Seem.

Sometimes,we walk so often in the dark that we come so close to forgetting what it feels like to see the light. It's like losing hope, letting go of all the faith you've had, and just letting the waves take you to the shore.

Life, my friends,as we all know it, doesn't always happen the way we want it to. There'd be problems and struggles,we'd fall to our knees, there'd be those awful days when we'd look in the mirror, touch our hair or the lines in our faces, and say "God, I look terrible."

What I learned lately is that life will always suck for those who always think it sucks. It all depends on how you deal with it. Positive thoughts emit positive energy, in my opinion, and I've decided to take a stand and instead of trying to prevent myself from getting carried away by the waves, I started to learn to swim with the current. Go with the flow until I can touch the sand again, until the storm is calm, until I can get hold of everything again.

It makes me sad that we complain so much about the things we don't have. I'm guilty of this. But last night, I was on the bus, headed home. It was 11 in the evening, it was freezing cold, and the streets are dark. A table was laid out on the street. It was lit by a kerosene lamp. On the table was a bottle of vinegar, a basket of balot (boiled premature duck eggs, a famous Filipino street food), and chicharon, and packets of cigarettes. An old lady is manning this tabe, clad in two jackets, watching the cars pass by, probably hoping someone would buy from her some time.

That got me thinking really hard. What if that old lady was my grandmother? You might say I overreacted, but I was on the verge of tears. I was thinking of possible reasons why my grandmother might end up being a street vendor, and the only reason I could think of was myself. I know, deep down in my being that if needed be, my grandmother would do that for me. To be able to put food in my plate. To be able to throw clothes on my back. That old lady must be working for her grandchildren,too, and there I was, barely contented with the things I already have.

To some of you,it may be just like, "Oh, she's being dramatic again, blah blah blah," and I won't blame you, because we're different people. The greatest love I know is the love I have for my grandmother, and all through these years I've been taking a lot of things for granted,and not once did she complain. It's funny how the smallest things could wake us up from our deepest slumbers sometimes. I don't know what has gotten into me, but as soon as I was done thinking about the things I have, and burying all the things I don't have in the back of my mind, I felt better.

I have everything anyone could ever need. The things I don't have,those are some of the things I want,but don't really need. Life has a strange way of showing it to us, but it can be everything we want it to be, if only we'd see things diferently.

Today, I feel better than I've ever felt before. I feel lighter, happier. I've learned to accept my flaws and embrace everything I am, as well as everything I'm not. I've got what I need, what I love. This should make me smile for the rest of my life.

If Only One Thing Happened Differently...

It's dark outside,I'm awake. All I want to do is sleep forever.

My problems are haunting me. I haven't even gotten a wink of sleep because each time I tried closing my eyes,the consequences would come alive in my dreams,and I can't stand them. My brain hurts from thinking too much. I don't think I can handle this,but I have to. I just wonder what's going to happen to me...to my life. It's selfish that I'm already seeking forgiveness,when I haven't asked for it yet.

It's just so...complicated.I'm cold,and I love this house,but how long will it be able to shelter me? I failed them. What hurts the most is that I failed myself,too,more than anyone else. It's sad when you want to cry,and even the tears won't stream out. It's as if they're saying, "You put this on yourself,deal."

I just wish I could wave a hand and be back in time,three years from now. One single mistake from the past is ruining my life,and I don't think I can face it. I can't...I don't want to...

I fucked up. I need a hug...

New Year....Same Old Life.

This will be my last post not only for the month of December,but also for the year 2010. I've been on Blogger for a year, and I can say it has helped a lot in letting out my frustrations without harming anyone. LOL.

This year has been great. Unlike so many people who complain about it and are happy that 2010 is almost over, I am sad at its passing. 2011 is not my year,that I can tell you right now. There will be so much drama,and I will have a lot of explaining to do. I'm dreading it. Sometimes I wonder if maybe God loves me so much that he'll let me die before 2011. Obviously, it's not gonna happen.

Anyway, I don't want to talk about that stuff just yet. It's depressing. Maybe when I'm ready...

As I was saying,2010 has been one hell of a year. I've met a lot of new people this year,and they're already a part of me forever. That sounds corny, but really...I've found great friends,and I have no plans of throwing them away anytime soon. :)

My family has been beach crazy during the summer. We celebrated my birthday on the beach. We went to the beach a lot,period. I've seen Eclipse more than 10 times, and The Last Airbender in 3D. I have gone to Manila back and forth. How I love that city.

I've learned a lot from the 12 months that passed. I've learned that you can never fully trust anyone again once they've failed you. I've learned that no matter how much people say they love you, they're going to move on with their lives when that love goes unappreciated. Goodbyes hurt, but not as painful as the hellos you never had the chance to make. There are some people you wish you never knew...but deep down,you'll always be thankful for their presence in your life.

Sometimes, trials come, and we don't understand why they happen. The lessons come long after the storm is gone,most of the time. This year has taught me a lot to be strong; to learn to stand up by myself, to never be afraid of being who I am. I've seen almost all kinds of people. There are the traitors, the true friends, the liars, the people who live for others. Some of them have shown me that no matter how good you are, there will always be that one who treats you like trash, and if you're weak on the knees, you'll never last long. Despite all the pain I've gone through, I came out stronger than I ever was. I've learned that I'm never alone, and that there are people ready to take the fall for me.

As this year's end flashes before my eyes, all I can say is that just like every other year that passed, this one has been great in its own way. We have had our ups and downs, everybody goes through something sometimes. 2011 is our chance to be who we've always wanted to be on 2010. All we can do is make the best of it, for every second that passes is never coming back.

Happy New Year, everyone! Thank you for being the beautiful stars that give light to my way. I love you! <3

I think we all have those days when all we want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

Here I sit, on the floor, wondering what to do with my life. If anything, my mind races with the same thought over and over again. What have I done with my life?

Last night was fantastic. I spent it with my friends, on the grass, under the stars, all huddled up against the cold December breeze, talking about our dreams. When reality hits, it hits you hard.

2010 has passed by rather quickly. I don't even remember most of it, but the memories I have are wonderful. This year has been great to me, and I wish it would extend a little more. I'm dreading 2011, but at the same time,I can't wait to see how the rest of my life unfolds. Our dreams...they seemed so vivid last night, I could almost touch them. I could almost hear my shoes clacking on the streets of New York, Paris, London. None of us could see ourselves staying in the Philippines in the future,and in all honesty, you can't blame us. Once you've grown to a place where all you see is sadness,darkness...You'd automatically walk and follow where the light seeps in.Eventually, you'd bask in it.

How weird it is,how one little thing can change a lot of things indirectly. I went to my Aunt's for dinner tonight,and I had to go back inside my house to grab a jacket because it was cold. As soon as I stepped out, all I wanted was to cry. The moon is currently shining really bright tonight, and the wind is cold. The light illuminates a certain glow on the street, on the watered rice fields, that kind of glow you see in the movies. It depresses me.

I wish people don't change. How I wish things don't, either. Why do we find something valuable if we're only going to lose them again? It doesn't make sense,and I don't think that's fair at all.

Everythig I Had Is Someday Gonna Be Gone.

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And, it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So, I tuck you in
Turn on your favorite night light
To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I had, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, and never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And, you're mortified
Your mom's dropping you off
At, fourteen there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But, don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too
And don't lose the way that you dance around in your PJ's getting ready
for school

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

And no one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I had is someday gonna be gone

So, here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So, I tucked myself in and turned my night light on
Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh, I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even you want to
Please, try to never grow up

Oh, whoa
Don't you ever grow up
Oh, whoa
Never grow up
Just never grow up

 

 

 I wish I could put in words how much I miss my parents right now. I was on the bus,listening to this song,and it had no impact on me...until this part:

So, here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So, I tucked myself in and turned my night light on
Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up 

 

 No one knows what I'll be willing to give to have my old life back,where it was just myself,my sister, my father,and my mother. Those times we spent together as a family were very rare and short; you could count it with your fingers. Still, it's what always brings me down. The fact that no matter how hard I try now,I can never have the one thing I want the most, and I will live with this regret for the rest of my life-that when I was little,all I wanted to do was to grow up immediately and move away,and have a life of my own. If I had known back then what I know now,things would have turned out differently.

I'm just having one of those days. I'm just being too emotional, clinging on to the things I can never have, obsessing about the past.It happens to everybody,somehow, but it doesn't change the fact that it's sad.

I thought being an adult would provide me with endless possibilities.I was drunk with the idea of wearing stilettos and actual dresses,going out with friends,the freedom,everything.Nobody told me about the heartaches and heartbreaks,about having to stand on your own,dealing with betrayals and death,losing friends and failing grades.

Now,all I could wish for is to be little again.How I wish I can just turn the hands of the clock back to a certain point in time where everything is still as good as they seem,before I started doubting my abilities,before I stopped believing in myself, back when the walls that surrounded me were the unshakable walls of love,support,and encouragement.

I feel like a little girl trapped in a teenager's body. I'm lost. I'm scared. I don't know what to do.

It's Not Much,But We Can Make A Life Out Of It.

 

 Don't be afraid of death. Be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever. You just have to live.

Faced myself in the mirror early today. I've been spending some time holding my head between my knees,trying to shut everything out. I miss my friends. I miss going on vacations with my family,no matter how short the times I got to spend with them were. Today was my grandmother's birthday,and reality hit me square in the face.She's getting older,weaker,and each minute I spend with her should be priceless. I watched her every move.The way she took a piece of my fish for luch,the way she sipped Coke from my glass. I'm scared cause I don't know how much more time I have to see her like this. I'm scared...

My phone is filled with notes I type late at night when 'm up,trying to drown my thoughts with music. What would become of me? I don't know,but I know what and who I am and who I want to be right now.

I'm young,and I know I shouldn't be scared. Hell, I know what kind of music I want to listen to,and I will blast it out whenever I want,wherever I want. I'm entitled to make as many mistakes as everybody else, wear whatever suits my fancy, say my thoughts aloud.I can dance in the middle of the street and NOT care what strangers say. I can skip school whenever I wish to just because I can. I can say "Fuck Mondays" and I will never wait for Friday,it will come to me. 

I'm young,and I wish I wasn't scared. I wish I could admit to my mistakes and just shrug it all off in the end. I get mad at my friends for doing stupid things WITHOUT me. I hate it that time passes by so quickly,that we barely have time to breathe and watch the world around us because we're all so occupied with our own needs.

I'm young, and I'm scared. I'm scared of not being who I want to be. I'm scared of not blending in with the crowd, when all I really want is to stand out. I'm scared of growing old alone,and I can't wait to fall in love again. I'm scared that Christmas will be lonely just because I have no one special to share it with,and seeing happy couples make me jealous,but I say they make me sad,because I can't admit to jealousy. I'm scared that one day,the world will look at me through my very own eyes and see that I really am no one special at all, just a piece of twig wrapped in pretty ribbons. I'm scared that the future isn't as secure as it once seemed. I'm scared that I might find him.My dork with the black framed glasses, dark, messy waves, suspenders and intelligence.

I'm scared that I'm wanting all the right things at the wrong time. 

I'm scared, cause I know this life is mine, but I might never be able to actually own it.

My Happy Ending ♥

I know that nobody's perfect,but this won't stop me from hoping that someday,someone who's perfect for me will come.He will be simple, loving, and a gentleman. He will have a great sense of humor and a tender heart that cares for others, and he will not,by any means, tell a lie just to impress me. Every time I'm with him, I will feel safe and fuzzy inside. We will be good together, and good for each other.

Someday,I will fall in love with the right person,at the right time,and for all the right reasons.And when that happens, I will not get so caught up in him that I will forget all the little things I love about myself, like my long,curly hair, the way I love laughing at the silliest things, and how I love spending some time alone. He will help me achieve my little goals every day (like doing something good for another person's benefit at least once a day, and be able to express myself through the smallest things), and support me in pursuing my grandest,craziest dream: to be a published author of a free style memoir.

I may not run into the person I deserve anytime soon,but that's okay. I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm not in a hurry. I know the Prince Charming kind of guy is out there,and he is also looking for me.And when we do find each other,it will be real and wonderful and magical and just unbelievable. And I will know for sure that the long wait-and maybe even the heartbreaks that came with it-was totally worth it.♥
\

And I Know...This Love Grows.

Today has been really good. Really,really good. I went to the movies and saw Till My Heartaches end,which,by the way,I was supposed to see with my sister but she went to school,so meh. I also went grocery shopping and I LOVED it.Believe me,I'm the only one I know who loves buying groceries.

I've never felt prettier than I did (and still do0 today. I don't even know exactly why,I just feel so happy,so contented. I'm in my room now,I've just finished watching Message In A Bottle.It made me cry buckets of tears! It's such a good movie,I almost made it my favorite Nicholas Sparks work,but I think nothing can replace Dear John...yet.

Anyways,so I haven't been blogging lately,eh? I'm not so busy anymore,I admit.I'm just too lazy.HA.I only open my RP Twitter account.I don't even go on Facebook that much anymore.

I'm at some point in my life wherein I don't really know what I want to do or happen. I still remember C,and I always will,but I've moved on.I'm not the suicidal-take-me-with-you kind of girl anymore. I've let go of the thin string that tied him to me so that he'll be at peace,now.

Honestly,though. It's almost Christmas and I can't help but feel so alone at times. I mean sure,I have my family and friends...But I love sharing Christmas with someone special. I want to have a reason to wake up at 3 AM for nine days to complete the midnight mass so I could have my wish.I want to be happy again.I can't wait to fall in love.

I have a little crush on someone now but I don't know if he likes me back.That's quite impossible,I think.Haha. Who am I to even be worthy of five minutes of his time? Tsk tsk. Whataver though. I'm still pretty. Haha!

I've just heard that my *former* best friend and her boyfriend broke up. It doesn't really surprise me,I mean how many times did this happen?One too many. I know I shouldn't even be talking about it anymore,but you see, M, two people might be speaking to each other,but that doesn't necessarily mean that they're having a talk. One might be hearing what the other says,but that doesn't necessarily mean she's listening. Think about it and you'll see where things always go wrong. I just care a lot for the both of you,that's why I'm still hanging on even if you're trying so damn hard to cut me off.

Anyway,enough of that. I'm gonna be bold and honest here and say I miss K. It's just not the same without him,you know?

I only have five days left till school begins again.I'm not even enrolled yet.I just want to get it all over with! I'm so tired of studying and I can't wait to grow old and see how my life unfolds. It's a bit scary,but it all comes soon enough.

My Heart Is So Broken,Rejecting Your Love.

I'm not supposed to be acting this weird. I just went home,kicked my shoes off, collapsed on the couch and slept with my school uniform on. I feel so blank. I want to be someone else, somewhere else.

I saw a girl walking home,towing her huge school bag behind. Scattered paths of sunlight blinded me for a while, and then it hit me.I don't know what I'm living for right now. It feels like the past few weeks are just a blur,like I'm some kind of a stray leaf being blown away by the wind. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere new.

I need an escape and I don't even know what I'm running away from. I just feel so completely lonely. I feel like I'm missing out on the world. I want to be able to skip away and giggle and just be pure again. I want to have my bright eyes back,the eyes of a child that only saw wonders and beauty. Right now, pain is all around me. When I was little, I saw the stormy days as break days from school, not a threat for my fellows' lives. I wish I could be that innocent again. I wish I could...just...fly. Away from this horrible world.

I walked the concrete pavement,listening to the sound of my heels kissing its muddy surface, listening to the vehicles roaming about,listening to my neighbors gossip about the latest who's who, listening to the buzzing of the bees,the swaying of the trees.All of them were doing something.What was I doing?What am I doing?Why am I still here?

My mind is ridiculously messed up right now but I'm trying to erase it all with a smile.Why can't people see how hard you're trying to be good enough for them? It's all beyond my understanding. I just want to take each person who feels as terrible as I do now and pull them in for a hug. I miss everything. I miss my friends. I miss the sound of our laughter and the way we would sing a song on the bus for hours on end. I just want to feel like I'm not as useless as I think I am...

With Every Breath I Take,I'm Calling Your Name

Sara: You don't have to understand. You just have to have faith.
Jonathan: Faith in what?
Sara: Destiny.

I'm in that incredible mood tonight wherein all I want to do is stay in bed and watch some sappy old movies for the umpteenth time,and cry. Cry for the tragedies, cry for the happy endings. I'm that type of girl.

I've been busy dealing with life these past few days,and even I myself can't say exactly how I truly feel. I'm confused. It's October, today is Ham's birthday, and I just sent her a greeting through text. I was meaning to ask her to maybe have lunch with me or something, but she was busy with exams.

On my way home I bumped to Shiela,one of my high school classmates. In the old times, maybe a year or two ago,we would be chatting endlessly and it would be hard to bid farewell. This afternoon, we barely spoke to each other. It still surprises me sometimes when things change so abruptly. I guess I'll never be ready for change.

Anyway, I'm not feeling very well so I plan to stay home and make myself some nice tasting soup, anything to warm my rambling stomach, and just lay in bed watching old movies. I pretty much deserve that-a break. My throat is itchy,my nose is runny, and I can't even breathe properly. What a nice state to be in on a Friday night.

I don't like the heat at all. It's October,for God's sake. My skin is aching for the cool Christmas breeze.Sure,there's the Christmas breeze but it's not cool at all. It's very warm. The air,however,smells of dried rice stalks. It's making me nostalgic at times. How I miss running through the fields or just hanging out with my uncles there. One day, it will happen again.

I'm not really excited for anything right now. I'm in that time in my life when I just want to find love in a certain form. I feel so lonely. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep it all of, in the hopes that one day I'll wake up to my fairy tale. But life doesn't work that way,so I'll just wait and enjoy my alone time. Everyone's life sucks...it just depends on how a person deals with it.

 Nowadays,I see a lot of people moaning about how their lives are so hard to live,how they just want to end it all. I was like that a few months ago. Now,I realize how selfish it sounds. Why do people like hurting so much? Why do we keep complaining about the things we don't have,when we have something and others don't even have anything? Why,just like I'm doing now, do we point out how some people are so dramatic,how we don't like drama,when clearly,we all are drama queens and kings somehow? You know... I just learned to shield myself away from all the horrible things in this world. If I can't heal it,no way in hell will I let myself be infected. That will be the last help I can offer.

Nothing can hurt me unless I permit it.

Can You Feel Me Burning?

I don't know if one can cry illegitimately,but let me say it now: I'm legitimately crying.

I spent this morning worrying about Mainia. I was tweeting with her and she was like giving me the cold shoulder so I was sat here wondering what I did wrong,thinking back on the previous days and nights. I couldn't remember anything I've said that might have offended her so I decided to just ask her straight out if she was mad.

She was not,she said. She was just annoyed at me because it seemed to her like I have changed,and that we were losing each other.

My tears fell faster than bullets as soon as I read that,and I must admit it here that I have changed. In my RP account I became careless and carefree, but I never told anyone why.

The truth is,I was so busy being there for my friends and no one even bothered asking if I was okay. I was not. I still am not. And if anyone dared ask, I said I was fine and they believed me. Sometimes I just want to feel as loved as I make others feel.

Right now,I feel so alone. I'm losing everything I have,they're all slipping right out of my hold and I don't like it. I can't take it anymore. My heart feels like it's going to explode any minute now because of all the pain and the worries I have been keeping inside. When I help someone pick up the pieces of their broken hearts at night,I wonder if they even realize that I am crying at that momet because I have to deal with my own pain too,together with theirs,alone. I wonder if they even care.

I'm hurting so much.I have been hurting for the past two weeks and no one knows because I decided to grow up for once and stop bothering people with my drama. I may have seemed distant but I was not. I never was. I was just trying to figure out how I would make it through another day without breaking down in front of anyone. I was thinking of a way to be there for everyone without forgetting myself. I was trying to stick to my promise that was to just make one stranger smile every day so that I could feel better about myself. I was busy trying to give myself a reason to believe that I was worth this life I am living right now.

In my RP account,I go on flirting and stuff with the other RPers,and truth be told,they make me laugh and smile. I figured it was a nice world there.A world full of pretenses.A world where I can do whatever i fancy,say what's on my mind and not get judged for my actions. It is a free world, and I enjoyed its perks for a while.

But now,seeing that it might cost me my best friend's companionship, I think I will stop. it's not worth it,you know? It doesn't make her happy and I don't know if it will make me happy knowing someone's unhappy. Some people might hate me,but I think I have to quit. Time to go back to the real world.

Oh,reality. How I despise you sometimes.

Tonight Will Be The Night That I Will Fall For You.

Another timed post from me. I just don't feel like publishing this right now,so bear.

I just hung out with my family yesterday. Hung out doesn't seem to be the right word to use though, when you spent two hours on the mechanic's, waiting for your ride to get fixed, but that was the closest we had to hanging out.

We went to Jollibee after that and bought take home meals. Ate Rachel was working there. I lined up on the counter she served and when it was time to give her my order,I was so giddy I had to stop myself from bursting into fits of laughter. She and I are close (she's my Mom's half sister) and you know, having her tell me "Can I get your order,Ma'am" in a very formal manner was just too much for my little heart to handle, when usually when I am in their house she would always pick on me and call me silly names. Revenge is truly sweet. Heheh.

Anyway, so yeah she took my order and I said two TLC burgers with fries and Coke, one cheeseburger, one spaghetti with fries and coke, and one chocolate Sundae. I was surprised when my take out bags arrived and they had four TLC burgers.. -,- She punched my order wrong, so I paid four instead of two B3 meals. Guess she was giddy too. Ha.

Yeyey was with me all day. She has changed a lot in the course of three years. Gosh,I sound like a mother or something but she really has. I remember I just had a talk with my Mom on the phone and she was like "Do you still hang out with Yeyey? Does she still wet the bed and the couch?" LOL. It was strange when I realized it. I have been with the little girl all her life. She doesn't wet the couch or the bed now, but she's growing up spoiled and bossy. She keeps ordering everyone around. Sounds like....me.

My sister has been pestering me about her money. I owe her Php25.00 (half a dollar,haha) which, in my defense, we used to buy a pack of tea powder and ice that we had for lunch. So I did not pay her yet but I will, promise. :P

On the 3oth it's our Patron Saint's festival day. Bah, I will sponsor another baby's Christening and I don't have even just a small amount of money. Maybe my grandmother will take care of that. It's kind of fun here,these days. It's a shame I don't get to scour the shops outside (there are rows of tents of vendors selling EVERYTHING by the roadside on the highway at this time every year). On Thursday there'll be visitors and people I really don't know who will come over our house to eat and such. I'm a little excited.

Hmm what else? Oh,yeah,that song. The title of this post is another song lyric I ripped off Secondhand Serenade's "Fall For You". My PSP just randomly blasted it out yesterday and since there was that warm September Christmas season kind of breeze, I felt like it was 2008! Certain songs remind me of certain seasons in certain years. Fra Lippo Lippi's "Later", for example, reminds me of 2002's Summer when my Mom came home and it was my father's favorite song. Matchbox 20's "Unwell" reminds me of 2003, like Stephen Speaks' "Out of My League". Trading Yesterday's songs will always remind me of Summer 2010. "Fall For You" was all over the radios back in 2008, and it reminds me of CLSU's Lantern Parade that year that I spent with my ex-boyfriend. We were hanging out with his friends in his car, and that song was playing on the background. I can't remember the feeling anymore,though.

Traffic Makes Me Feel Like I'm Part Of Something Bigger.

It's kind of obvious that I have just seen Step Up 3. Awesome movie. It made me cry cause even it showed that best friends drift apart sometimes. And Moose's best friend's name was Camille.

Nothing makes sense. Even the news from the TV echoes that the President had hotdogs for lunch in America. Rappers rap about poverty and bystanders and the problems of the community, but they never give us any possible solution to the problems, just like I am doing now. I keep blogging about the things that tie me down but I can never seem to have the courage pr will to let them go.

I know, there's more to life than rainbows and sunsets and watercolor painted skies, but those are the things that I live for. I keep trying to look at the bright side, but where is it, anyway? I'm blind. Maybe when the storm ends, we will both be standing at the edge, holding the stars in the palm of our hands, but what difference will it make, really? Will there still be you and me, board game nights, Anne Hathaway themed movie marathons? Will we still be doing each other's nails, laughing until our stomachs hurt? Will you still be making me giggle while I'm drinking Coke just so you'd see me spit it out of my nose?

I do worry about all the wrong things, don't I? But sometimes, you must tell me when something's wrong, because I can't go on guessing... It's hard to fumble in the dark when there is not even a tiny spark of light. How will I know what hurts you? You never tell me.

You're so distant now, and it's killing me cause I'm doing all I can... I am probably making a big fool of myself, but it's fine. I can't lose you, although I know you'd say I already have. What changed? We were so excited, we were so sure about our future. Do you now imagine your future without me? Please don't answer.

I think we are both too proud to admit our mistakes. Maybe we have something to learn from this but whatever that something is, I don't need it, okay? I don't. Take everything you want from me. Just please, please stop kicking me out of your life.

I love you.

No Matter How Difficult Life Is For You,It's Always Harder For Someone Else.

I can't stop crying now. After I have seen an episode of "Failon Ngayon" tonight, which is a regular Saturday evening rpogram here which features people's real life struggles and situations, I realized yet again how lucky I am.

One of their featured stories was about a girl my age, Fe Martinez, if I remember correctly. Like me, she was supposed to graduate from College next semester. Unlike me, she's not going to step on the stage to get her diploma.


Her story,as far as I can recall, goes a little like this: one day she had a headache and she felt numbness in some certain parts of her body (her shins, particularly). I think they were on a school trip or something when she felt that, but when they went home, she didn't tell her parents about it. She just woke up one day and found that she could not stand up anymore.


Her parents brought her to the hospital, but the Doctors said they needed Php 40,000.00 to get her body scanned and tested (MRI or MIR, I suck at medical terms). However, they did not have that money-they were a poor family, they still are, so they had no choice but to bring her back home and nurse her in bed. Huge bed sores grew on her back due to her all time,all day confinement. Her mysterious illness not only took away her freedom. It also wrecked her dreams, her future, her life.

It was the TV program's staff and crew who helped them bring her back to the hospital to get her tested to find out what her illness is. It turned out to be Multiple Sclerosis and her medicines cost Php 20,000.000 EVERY week, and even if they do have the money, which they don't, the medicines are not easy to buy as they are imported,and do not come in regular basis, and the doctors cannot specify until when she has to take them.

What made me cry is the part when Ted Failon asked Fe's mother how she was holding up. Her mother was then shown on screen, aged and wrinkled-in my opinion, she looked far too old to be a 19 year old's mother, but then again, with all the stress and pain she's going through, it was reasonable. So Ted asked, "How is it going for you-taking care of her everyday? It looks like a lot of work..."

To which the woman replied, tearing up, "It's hard, really hard... But I can go through all of this for her. I will suffer for her. I love her."

And then they showed Fe on the screen, saying, "They do not have to speak-even if they don't tell me, I know it's hard for them..."

In a dramatic, slow motion kind of way, her tears fell down and she turned her face away from the camera. I cried.

They later revealed that Fe was a very persevering student. An honor student, in fact, and the Chairman of their Baranggay's Sangguniang Kabataan (Youth Council). This moved me more if that was even possible. It pained me to see such a young fellow crampled in bed, seeking for the best comfort it could offer, while every night, I lay myself in bed, tucked in three layers of fleece and silk and cotton, and I can still find an excuse to complain about my life.

Don't get me wrong- I did not come here to preach nor be a hypocrite. I know I must change my ways but if I am being honest, then I should be completely honest. And to be honest with you, it is not that easy. Change doesn't happen overnight-and I am trying really hard to be good to other people now as much as I can.

I am just here to reflect on how a random person's story touched me. Sure, she's not the only one who's suffering. Everyone suffers in one way or another. It's just that, of all the stories I have come across, it's her story that touched me most. There's the girl, striving for a better life-for a life like mine,possibly,she had the will and the courage to do all she could to achieve it,and then with one swift blow of fate,she was in ruins.

She's too young to go through all of this. I don't know,she really has my sympathy. Because of her, I go even more inspired now to do what I can, while I can, because evidently, nobody knows what might happen tomorrow. Even one slight of hand can change everything, so I decided not to let a single second go to waste.

You know, I've been devoting time trying to make part of the world a better place but I realize now that I have more time in my hands but I spend it doing nonsense for fun. I want to be able to help. I want to help as many as I can without forgetting my own dreams.I wish I could stop sneering at my life when I'm feeling down and just remember that some people always have it worse. We each have our own share of darkness and it is entirely up to us if we let it just pour heavily upon us, or learn to dance in the rain. I choose the latter.

I wish I could just go to her house right now and give her a hug and her Mom and sister, too. They have been doing a really good job in taking care of her. One day I might walk up to her and squeeze her in a hug to show her how much I care. As for now, I am planning to scour the streets in our City in October and hand roses to women and maybe give them a hug or two if they wouldn't mind. I'm going to make them see how beautiful this world is just because of their existence. A mother, a sister, a student, a best friend, a grandmother, a mother in law, a girlfriend, an ex girlfriend, a daughter, a niece-I will make them smile.

Trying To Be Everything Can make You Lose Your Mind.

She grew up on the side of the road
Where the church bells ring and strong love grows
She grew up good
She grew up slow

Have you ever had that one lonely day when you realized that everything is just not the same?

You look back to what your life was like three months ago and you just can't help but ask yourself: What happened? Where did I go wrong?

People come, people go. What hurts the most is that our feelings stay the same.I wish it was as easy as letting go of money-you know how easy it is to spend money and you don't even mind handing it away to other people. But when it is someone who leaves, it's so difficult. Even giving away your favorite Teddy Bear is hard enough,what more,a person?

Sometimes we don't even have the chance to say goodbye. You just wake up one day and find that they are gone out of sight. What's worse is when they really haven't gone anywhere. You still talk, you still see each other,but somehow, the laughter doesn't sound the same. The tears are not so deep anymore,and as days go by,you don't realize how far you have grown apart.

I'm just lonely tonight. I miss having some people around.If I could,I would beg them to speak to me, but I am much of a coward to do so.I'm scared they might turn me down,and then I'll be left hurting even more. I don't get myself sometimes. I have always believed that if you love someone and you really mean it, you just do. You just love them and not ask for anything in return, but now I'm all demanding for even just one of these people I love to love me. I'm yearning for love. For once, I want to be loved.

It doesn't really help when memories are not on my side. Good or bad, they make me remember how happy it was with them. How happy we all were before I screwed things up. But of course, I fake it all with a smile, and say I am happy for them. I am happy for them-but that doesn't mean I don't feel sorry for myself. I meet cool people and introduce them,and then,all of a sudden, I'm not cool enough to belong with them anymore. It's like I am shoved out, and I keep getting locked out.

I am sorry for ranting here. It's not really a rant,you know?I'm just...I just thought I'd share my feelings. Sometimes, people treat me like I'm a saint. I feel like they forget that I have feelings too. Just because I let it pass when they bully me doesn't mean I don't get hurt. Of course,I do. We wouldn't be this far apart now if I don't get affected.

Anyways...I still can't believe it is September already. SEP. TEM. BER. And almost the 15th. How time flies. I remedy my loneliness by listening to Chistmas songs.Although to be honest,these Christmas songs only make me feel worse.I'm leaving you with my favorite Christmas Song of all time, composed and sung by Jose Marie Chan, a very talented Filipino composer/musician. P.S.- I'm sick, I have runny nose and I can't stop sneezing.Any medicine recs?

You Can Make It Happen.

If you have a dream, then the time to start chasing it is now. Don’t wait until tomorrow. You owe it to yourself to follow your dream.

-Ashley Greene

I don't think I have ever been this determined. Most people know for a fact that what Seann wants,Seann gets. I'm stubborn like that,and it's no secret that once I set my eyes on something,there's no stopping me.

Maybe I'm crazy. Yasmina said I was crazy-I told her all about it and I guess she's right. I'm crazy...I always am. But if there's something I badly want today, right at this very moment, it's this: I want to go to Los Angeles for Breaking Dawn. As plain and simple as that. I want to meet Jackson Rathbone and Ashley Greene at least once in my life, for if I don't, I don't think I'll ever say I have lived. So I decided-I owe it to myself to follow my dream and this is that dream. I am going to act on it and make it happen or at least try.

It sounds impossible,yes? It seems like just yesterday, on my way home from the mall, I was thinking about a certain friend of mine who made a firm decision to move to Los Angeles to pursue her dream of being an actress. I was skeptical, to say the least, because not everyone can have the same fate and luck as Ashley Greene. When you really ponder on it, it's not easy to just pack your bags and go-considering you are a total alien with no place to stay in or a comrade to depend on. I was thinking she was crazy. I have almost forgotten that all the best people are.

I am going to work on this, earn this reward for myself. Honestly, I'm scared. I'm scared of letting this dream just float away with the wind. I'm scared that if I don't try reaching for it, one day, I might regret it...And that's what I hate the most. It would be really awful when I'm old and gray and I look back on this day and see clearly where I went wrong. I do not want that to happen.

I'm not sure,of course, if I could make it happen. What with all the fuss and effort I have to make,like getting a passport and a US Visa, and an authentic NSO Birth Certificate, the least of my worries are the plane tickets. But as I have said, I am too determined to back out now.Not now,not when I have seen a glimpse of hope that tells me I can. I can. I just have to work on it.

I have always been a dreamer. Regrets are the most painful part of my life,and each regret pinches my heart a little too painfully, to the point where I begin promising myself that whenever I have a dream, I will at least try and do my best to achieve it, and leave out all the rest to Him. That way, it wouldn't hurt when I think about it, because I have done my part. I could tell myself that it is not my fault anymore,it just really isn't meant to be.

As for now, it feels like there's a fire blazing in my heart. It's all I can think about. It's like I have seen what life is all about-it's all about chasing your dreams and making them come true. It's about having that one great purpose, that one great passion that will make you say your life is complete once it happens. Why, Ashley Greene was seventeen when she moved to LA to pursue her dream. She waited long enough before it happened but look where she is now. If she sat around their house in Florida,would she have been cast as Alice Cullen? Probably not. She worked hard for her dreams to come true, and that is what I will do.

Because when you have nothing, you have nothing to lose.

Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life.

My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries,and I watched and felt each from the beginning; my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger. I should not seem a part of it. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath - a source of little visible delight, but necessary. I am Heathcliff - he's always, always in my mind - not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself - but as my own being.

 I've been reading Wuthering Heights all day and I still cannot find the will to put the book down.My head is still pounding-it has been aching and throbbing for days now but it doesn't compare to the pain in my chest.

It has been a month and two days. I'm starting to doubt that I can ever forget. What I wouldn't give to forget for even just a second. I wish it was that easy, but then again, this is life. Moreover, everybody dies sometime. Everybody gets left behind.

I am literally sighing as I type down this post. Perhaps, next year, I will look back to this day and laugh at myself. Perhaps I'll wonder why I am so down today,almost losing hope,clueless and scared of the future.Maybe it will all end happily. Maybe one day, I will be able to walk down the streets, good as new, as if I have never gone through something like this at all. Or maybe not.

I kind of made a promise to myself. I've been hurting a lot lately,and I think it's about time I make myself happy. The question is how? How do I make myself happy when as soon as the word happiness comes to mind,all my brain can produce is a very vivid scene of myself with a guy-a guy whose face I cannot see-together in a brightly lit room,feeling warm and cozy,sitting in an oriental rug,reading some novels by the fire. I can hear the crackling sound of the coals breaking as the heat consume them. I can feel his fingertips absentmindedly brushing against mine. The sound of the heavy pouring rain pelting the roofs is so real that I can almost touch it.

I guess I just have to wait,you know? Wait for time to actually mend everything that's broken. But no matter what happens, I will never wait for life. Death has been showing itself to me quite often these days- I have attended quite a lot of funerals, more than normal, if I should say so. Every time I see someone else part with a loved one for good, it breaks me. It breaks me cause I know how awful it feels to know that there is NOTHING you can do. Sometimes, it almost drives me crazy, knowing that it doesn't really matter if I cry all night. In the morning, he still will not be there, and the only thing that will change is that my eyes will appear puffier than they already are.

With that said, I just realized that nothing good really comes out of my grievance. It only annoys my friends who don't care enough and hurts the ones who do. So I'm letting go...Step by step, day by day, we will part until it's not so painful anymore. I will keep my head up,searching the skies for the brightest star,and I shall assume it is you,shining down on me. I will keep my head up and let the golden beams of sunlight kiss my face,and it shall be just as good as your lips brushing smoothly against my skin.

I shall love everything beautiful in this world, and it will be like loving you, and it will be like you are never gone at all.

How People Treat You Is Their Karma,How You React Is Yours.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
 ~Hellen Keller ~




I had a really bad day today. I am not stating here what happened exactly, but I am telling you that my self esteem is pretty low tonight,or maybe, empty.


Why do people often only see physical beauty? Why do most of us feel like we have to bring someone else down so we could feel better about ourselves? The answer to this, I think, is beyond what my complicated mind can understand.No reason will be accaeptable enough for me to agree that anyone of us has any right to make someone else feel so low and unloved.


As you can see in the photo collage above, it clearly shows that I don't usually care about what others think about me. I am vain,but not as vain as a typical girl my age. To be honest with you, I think the only thing pretty about me is my hair, and sometimes I even have bad hair days, but I never refer to myself as ugly-just not good looking.


I like taking goofy photos of myself and making funny faces.I am not ashamed of showing them to people. Why would I be ashamed? I am not the type who puts my best foot forward and only posts photos when they make me look good. It really wouldn't matter if I am not at all pretty,right? I don't really care,for as long as I am comfortable and presentable,that is more than enough.


Perhaps now you have a vague idea of why I am blogging this way,saying these words. Yes, I have been bullied more than once today. The one incident,I really don't know if I should consider that bullying but it hurt me nonetheless. Sometimes,I wish people know when to shut up and keep their feet in their mouths. You know that rule or something? When you have nothing good or nice to say,keep your lips sealed. I wish people actually think before they speak,cause once you say something bad, no matter how many times you say sorry afterwards,you cannot take it back. You cannot just take it all back like nothing happened,cause the pain lingers long after your words are forgotten.


You know,if you hate me,it's totally fine with me.Just don't pretend to be my friend at all. I know what exactly a person's motives are just by looking at them, hearing them speak, or even reading their text messages or the words they say. I may appear to be very nice to you,but I know when you are being a false friend to me. I should tell you that you should beware of me if your intentions are not good. I am a true friend,but once you give me even the smallest reason to doubt,I will always be cautious of you.


And so now I am telling myself that this "friendship" is over. It is quite funny to me,you know,when I knew from the start that this is all pretense.Just you sneaky little scheme to make people think that you are,indeed, a good natured person.You might have fooled them,but not me. I can see through you. Although your physicality is not so bad,your insides are hopeless. Get well soon,bitch. Jealousy and hate are such horrible diseases. You are a toxic "friend", and I do not want to be poisoned.


It's a good thing I have just finished reading A Little Princess. I have this quote in mind right now, and I am taking it from Sara Crewe.

You don't know that you are saying these things to a princess, and that if I chose I could wave my hand and order you to execution.I only spare you because I am a princess,and you are a poor, stupid, unkind, vulgar old thing, and don't know any better.

That,my friend, says it all. Go have fun basking in all the attention and the belief that you are pretty. I don't care anyway. I never aspired to be pretty, because I know,I just know deep inside me that I am not pretty. Claim the throne, I'll even pin the glittering crown to your head. I'd much rather be simple, bold, and beautiful and be able to laugh at myself when I look like this:

or this:

Because guess what? I do not wear any make up on my face and people compliment me for these photos. I AM BEAUTIFUL, and nothing you say or do could EVER change my view.

Wake Me Up When September Ends.

I must admit that this is my sixth attempt at posting this blog. I've been meaning to blog for days now, but every time I try, I just end up typing then deleting everything because the words don't say what I truly feel. It's horrible. I need to get introduced to myself one more time. I don't know ME anymore.

Yesterday, my family and neighbors and I drove to the mountains. It was fun,really. I never expected it would be that fun. But I was so tired and sleepy that I slept most of the time. On our way home, there was a crowd swarming by the side of the road, and there was a police car parked nearby, and men in SOCO uniforms. Our driver decided to stop by to see what was wrong. I saw a woman in red shirt sat on the curb, crying.

We then found out that there was a salvage victim dumped on the dry irrigation system beside the road, near the river. It was the perfect place for a crime, mind you. There are no houses, and the road is often empty,especially at night. You can count the passing vehicles by the hand. Once we got stuck there on our van. The lights won't turn on but we were too scared to stop so we decided it was better to keep going,keep driving.The place is very secluded. In the day it is paradise. It's my worst nightmare during the night.

Anyways, it was my first time to see something like that. Like,a victim's body,covered in blood, getting investigated for possible clues as to who did the crime and why. It was creepy. I still can't stay in the dark alone because of that. The victim was a girl,about my age, had long curly hair like mine. She was believe to have been raped before she was killed. Heartless,heartless suspect. Please pray for the victim's soul.

It's August 31st today. How time flies. September is not my favorite month, and I don't know what's in store for me. I just wish time will slow down, you know?I'm so scared of facing the future-I am not yet ready for the confrontation. Tears will be shed and probably,some painful words that even time can't heal will be said. I am dreading that day.I am so not waiting for September.

Sometimes,we love the wrong people for all the wrong reasons.We know they could hurt us,and at some point,they would,we'd fall down and get scraped but we'd also get back up,probably too soon,and continue fighting as if our lives depended on it.

Sometimes,the pain is just too real that I find myself crying,crying my heart out because it's all I can do. What hurts more is watching that person you love dive into the pool of pain and fire,and all you can do is watch them burn.It's crazy because you feel the pain they feel,together with your own pain. It's like you carry both your burdens,and you still smile.You try,because you want them to be happy.

I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up as soon as everything's over. That way, I wouldn't have to watch somebody burn. I wouldn't have to carry anyone's burden or feel their pain. It sounds selfish sometimes...But everyone has limits,too,you know?I can't bear to just watch the people I love get hurt just because of their own doing,because it hurts me too.I hate it when I can't do anything.I like being in control...

Someday I will know why people cross the street,even with the threat of getting hit or run over. Someday, the world will stop hurting. Maybe when September ends.