Tell Me Something Sweet To Get Me By.

*click photo to enlarge.

New Year....Same Old Life.

This will be my last post not only for the month of December,but also for the year 2010. I've been on Blogger for a year, and I can say it has helped a lot in letting out my frustrations without harming anyone. LOL.

This year has been great. Unlike so many people who complain about it and are happy that 2010 is almost over, I am sad at its passing. 2011 is not my year,that I can tell you right now. There will be so much drama,and I will have a lot of explaining to do. I'm dreading it. Sometimes I wonder if maybe God loves me so much that he'll let me die before 2011. Obviously, it's not gonna happen.

Anyway, I don't want to talk about that stuff just yet. It's depressing. Maybe when I'm ready...

As I was saying,2010 has been one hell of a year. I've met a lot of new people this year,and they're already a part of me forever. That sounds corny, but really...I've found great friends,and I have no plans of throwing them away anytime soon. :)

My family has been beach crazy during the summer. We celebrated my birthday on the beach. We went to the beach a lot,period. I've seen Eclipse more than 10 times, and The Last Airbender in 3D. I have gone to Manila back and forth. How I love that city.

I've learned a lot from the 12 months that passed. I've learned that you can never fully trust anyone again once they've failed you. I've learned that no matter how much people say they love you, they're going to move on with their lives when that love goes unappreciated. Goodbyes hurt, but not as painful as the hellos you never had the chance to make. There are some people you wish you never knew...but deep down,you'll always be thankful for their presence in your life.

Sometimes, trials come, and we don't understand why they happen. The lessons come long after the storm is gone,most of the time. This year has taught me a lot to be strong; to learn to stand up by myself, to never be afraid of being who I am. I've seen almost all kinds of people. There are the traitors, the true friends, the liars, the people who live for others. Some of them have shown me that no matter how good you are, there will always be that one who treats you like trash, and if you're weak on the knees, you'll never last long. Despite all the pain I've gone through, I came out stronger than I ever was. I've learned that I'm never alone, and that there are people ready to take the fall for me.

As this year's end flashes before my eyes, all I can say is that just like every other year that passed, this one has been great in its own way. We have had our ups and downs, everybody goes through something sometimes. 2011 is our chance to be who we've always wanted to be on 2010. All we can do is make the best of it, for every second that passes is never coming back.

Happy New Year, everyone! Thank you for being the beautiful stars that give light to my way. I love you! <3

My Tired Heart Is Beating So Slow.

There must be something wrong with me. I keep losing my friends,it's not even funny. It's breaking my heart.

Tonight,more than ever,I miss my childhood. I miss being so carefree that the hardest choice to make would be which pair of socks to wear.I remember those things. Lacey, ruffled at the edges,where my stick thin shins began. I remember crying because I wanted t sit on a red chair in class and unfortunately, every red chair in the room was taken.

I miss my Dad. I miss him asking me if I wanted an ice cream cone,I miss him throwing me in the air,and catching me just before I hit the ground.The times I spent with him were numbered,each one remembered clearly because they're all rare. I miss the sound of his faded blue jeans rubbing against each other while his feet trailed on the rice fields,hitting dew kissed grass on the way while he carried me sitting on his shoulders,a paperweight porcelain doll clinging on to his tattered baseball cap for support.

I miss my Mom. I miss the way she would reprimand me for forgetting about what she asked me to do again. I miss how she once made me say vinegar over and over again before asking me to buy it from the store,and how her face turned when she saw me walking home with nothing because on the way, I was singing vinegar, vinegar to a tune I made up, and then occasionally sang soy sauce,and got confused about which I needed to buy.

I miss being so innocent that nothing anyone says makes me suspicious. Now, I dissect every word I hear or read and scrutinize them carefully, trying to figure out which is true and which isn't. It's sad how the world makes monsters of each one of us.I used to kick myself silently each time I cursed.Now,I do it as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

I feel so lonely. I just want to curl up and cry,but even my tears refuse me.I regret all the bad things I've said in my life.I wonder what good they did me. I just don't feel myself right now and I hate it. I have this strange feeling of dreading something and wishing time would just freeze,but at the same time,I'm wishing it would just tick away mercilessly so I could get it all over with.


My heart is so broken.

Everythig I Had Is Someday Gonna Be Gone.

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And, it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So, I tuck you in
Turn on your favorite night light
To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I had, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, and never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And, you're mortified
Your mom's dropping you off
At, fourteen there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But, don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too
And don't lose the way that you dance around in your PJ's getting ready
for school

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

And no one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I had is someday gonna be gone

So, here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So, I tucked myself in and turned my night light on
Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh, I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even you want to
Please, try to never grow up

Oh, whoa
Don't you ever grow up
Oh, whoa
Never grow up
Just never grow up

 

 

 I wish I could put in words how much I miss my parents right now. I was on the bus,listening to this song,and it had no impact on me...until this part:

So, here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So, I tucked myself in and turned my night light on
Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up 

 

 No one knows what I'll be willing to give to have my old life back,where it was just myself,my sister, my father,and my mother. Those times we spent together as a family were very rare and short; you could count it with your fingers. Still, it's what always brings me down. The fact that no matter how hard I try now,I can never have the one thing I want the most, and I will live with this regret for the rest of my life-that when I was little,all I wanted to do was to grow up immediately and move away,and have a life of my own. If I had known back then what I know now,things would have turned out differently.

I'm just having one of those days. I'm just being too emotional, clinging on to the things I can never have, obsessing about the past.It happens to everybody,somehow, but it doesn't change the fact that it's sad.

I thought being an adult would provide me with endless possibilities.I was drunk with the idea of wearing stilettos and actual dresses,going out with friends,the freedom,everything.Nobody told me about the heartaches and heartbreaks,about having to stand on your own,dealing with betrayals and death,losing friends and failing grades.

Now,all I could wish for is to be little again.How I wish I can just turn the hands of the clock back to a certain point in time where everything is still as good as they seem,before I started doubting my abilities,before I stopped believing in myself, back when the walls that surrounded me were the unshakable walls of love,support,and encouragement.

I feel like a little girl trapped in a teenager's body. I'm lost. I'm scared. I don't know what to do.

It's Not Much,But We Can Make A Life Out Of It.

 

 Don't be afraid of death. Be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever. You just have to live.

Faced myself in the mirror early today. I've been spending some time holding my head between my knees,trying to shut everything out. I miss my friends. I miss going on vacations with my family,no matter how short the times I got to spend with them were. Today was my grandmother's birthday,and reality hit me square in the face.She's getting older,weaker,and each minute I spend with her should be priceless. I watched her every move.The way she took a piece of my fish for luch,the way she sipped Coke from my glass. I'm scared cause I don't know how much more time I have to see her like this. I'm scared...

My phone is filled with notes I type late at night when 'm up,trying to drown my thoughts with music. What would become of me? I don't know,but I know what and who I am and who I want to be right now.

I'm young,and I know I shouldn't be scared. Hell, I know what kind of music I want to listen to,and I will blast it out whenever I want,wherever I want. I'm entitled to make as many mistakes as everybody else, wear whatever suits my fancy, say my thoughts aloud.I can dance in the middle of the street and NOT care what strangers say. I can skip school whenever I wish to just because I can. I can say "Fuck Mondays" and I will never wait for Friday,it will come to me. 

I'm young,and I wish I wasn't scared. I wish I could admit to my mistakes and just shrug it all off in the end. I get mad at my friends for doing stupid things WITHOUT me. I hate it that time passes by so quickly,that we barely have time to breathe and watch the world around us because we're all so occupied with our own needs.

I'm young, and I'm scared. I'm scared of not being who I want to be. I'm scared of not blending in with the crowd, when all I really want is to stand out. I'm scared of growing old alone,and I can't wait to fall in love again. I'm scared that Christmas will be lonely just because I have no one special to share it with,and seeing happy couples make me jealous,but I say they make me sad,because I can't admit to jealousy. I'm scared that one day,the world will look at me through my very own eyes and see that I really am no one special at all, just a piece of twig wrapped in pretty ribbons. I'm scared that the future isn't as secure as it once seemed. I'm scared that I might find him.My dork with the black framed glasses, dark, messy waves, suspenders and intelligence.

I'm scared that I'm wanting all the right things at the wrong time. 

I'm scared, cause I know this life is mine, but I might never be able to actually own it.

My Happy Ending ♥

I know that nobody's perfect,but this won't stop me from hoping that someday,someone who's perfect for me will come.He will be simple, loving, and a gentleman. He will have a great sense of humor and a tender heart that cares for others, and he will not,by any means, tell a lie just to impress me. Every time I'm with him, I will feel safe and fuzzy inside. We will be good together, and good for each other.

Someday,I will fall in love with the right person,at the right time,and for all the right reasons.And when that happens, I will not get so caught up in him that I will forget all the little things I love about myself, like my long,curly hair, the way I love laughing at the silliest things, and how I love spending some time alone. He will help me achieve my little goals every day (like doing something good for another person's benefit at least once a day, and be able to express myself through the smallest things), and support me in pursuing my grandest,craziest dream: to be a published author of a free style memoir.

I may not run into the person I deserve anytime soon,but that's okay. I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm not in a hurry. I know the Prince Charming kind of guy is out there,and he is also looking for me.And when we do find each other,it will be real and wonderful and magical and just unbelievable. And I will know for sure that the long wait-and maybe even the heartbreaks that came with it-was totally worth it.♥
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Tonight Will Be The Night That I Will Fall For You.

Another timed post from me. I just don't feel like publishing this right now,so bear.

I just hung out with my family yesterday. Hung out doesn't seem to be the right word to use though, when you spent two hours on the mechanic's, waiting for your ride to get fixed, but that was the closest we had to hanging out.

We went to Jollibee after that and bought take home meals. Ate Rachel was working there. I lined up on the counter she served and when it was time to give her my order,I was so giddy I had to stop myself from bursting into fits of laughter. She and I are close (she's my Mom's half sister) and you know, having her tell me "Can I get your order,Ma'am" in a very formal manner was just too much for my little heart to handle, when usually when I am in their house she would always pick on me and call me silly names. Revenge is truly sweet. Heheh.

Anyway, so yeah she took my order and I said two TLC burgers with fries and Coke, one cheeseburger, one spaghetti with fries and coke, and one chocolate Sundae. I was surprised when my take out bags arrived and they had four TLC burgers.. -,- She punched my order wrong, so I paid four instead of two B3 meals. Guess she was giddy too. Ha.

Yeyey was with me all day. She has changed a lot in the course of three years. Gosh,I sound like a mother or something but she really has. I remember I just had a talk with my Mom on the phone and she was like "Do you still hang out with Yeyey? Does she still wet the bed and the couch?" LOL. It was strange when I realized it. I have been with the little girl all her life. She doesn't wet the couch or the bed now, but she's growing up spoiled and bossy. She keeps ordering everyone around. Sounds like....me.

My sister has been pestering me about her money. I owe her Php25.00 (half a dollar,haha) which, in my defense, we used to buy a pack of tea powder and ice that we had for lunch. So I did not pay her yet but I will, promise. :P

On the 3oth it's our Patron Saint's festival day. Bah, I will sponsor another baby's Christening and I don't have even just a small amount of money. Maybe my grandmother will take care of that. It's kind of fun here,these days. It's a shame I don't get to scour the shops outside (there are rows of tents of vendors selling EVERYTHING by the roadside on the highway at this time every year). On Thursday there'll be visitors and people I really don't know who will come over our house to eat and such. I'm a little excited.

Hmm what else? Oh,yeah,that song. The title of this post is another song lyric I ripped off Secondhand Serenade's "Fall For You". My PSP just randomly blasted it out yesterday and since there was that warm September Christmas season kind of breeze, I felt like it was 2008! Certain songs remind me of certain seasons in certain years. Fra Lippo Lippi's "Later", for example, reminds me of 2002's Summer when my Mom came home and it was my father's favorite song. Matchbox 20's "Unwell" reminds me of 2003, like Stephen Speaks' "Out of My League". Trading Yesterday's songs will always remind me of Summer 2010. "Fall For You" was all over the radios back in 2008, and it reminds me of CLSU's Lantern Parade that year that I spent with my ex-boyfriend. We were hanging out with his friends in his car, and that song was playing on the background. I can't remember the feeling anymore,though.

Traffic Makes Me Feel Like I'm Part Of Something Bigger.

It's kind of obvious that I have just seen Step Up 3. Awesome movie. It made me cry cause even it showed that best friends drift apart sometimes. And Moose's best friend's name was Camille.

Nothing makes sense. Even the news from the TV echoes that the President had hotdogs for lunch in America. Rappers rap about poverty and bystanders and the problems of the community, but they never give us any possible solution to the problems, just like I am doing now. I keep blogging about the things that tie me down but I can never seem to have the courage pr will to let them go.

I know, there's more to life than rainbows and sunsets and watercolor painted skies, but those are the things that I live for. I keep trying to look at the bright side, but where is it, anyway? I'm blind. Maybe when the storm ends, we will both be standing at the edge, holding the stars in the palm of our hands, but what difference will it make, really? Will there still be you and me, board game nights, Anne Hathaway themed movie marathons? Will we still be doing each other's nails, laughing until our stomachs hurt? Will you still be making me giggle while I'm drinking Coke just so you'd see me spit it out of my nose?

I do worry about all the wrong things, don't I? But sometimes, you must tell me when something's wrong, because I can't go on guessing... It's hard to fumble in the dark when there is not even a tiny spark of light. How will I know what hurts you? You never tell me.

You're so distant now, and it's killing me cause I'm doing all I can... I am probably making a big fool of myself, but it's fine. I can't lose you, although I know you'd say I already have. What changed? We were so excited, we were so sure about our future. Do you now imagine your future without me? Please don't answer.

I think we are both too proud to admit our mistakes. Maybe we have something to learn from this but whatever that something is, I don't need it, okay? I don't. Take everything you want from me. Just please, please stop kicking me out of your life.

I love you.

What Is Your Reason For Living?

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
~E. B. White

 Hello, I am just a simple girl. My mind thinks simple thoughts; my heart feels simple emotions. I need the most basic of all necessities, shopping makes me happy, and on a regular Friday night when the air is crisp and car horns are beeping, I like staying in bed and cuddling up with a book. My life is not glamorous, I am not always happy, neither am I always sad. My life is not as good as I want it to be, but honestly, it is not too bad, either.

So what do I live for? Do I live for my dreams? Do I live for my family and friends? Do I live just for the heck of living? Do I live for the knowledge that one day,the world will bow down o me, at my feet? I could say I live for myself, but that would sound too selfish to be acceptable.

I do live for the people I love, but here's the catch: I live for everyone who needs me. I live for that little girl in tattered clothes who sleep on the streets, rain or shine. I live for my pre-school teacher, for the Pastor who preaches before the penniless. I live for the Security Guard in front of the bank he works for. I live for the candy vendor, for the cab driver, for the post man, the plumber, the construction worker, the cashier in the supermarket who never fails to smile and wish me a nice day. I live for all these people, because in one way or another, I might or might not have noticed, but they have surely made an impact in my life.

This may sound odd,weird,unusual. After all,this world has gone from being our world to being someone's self's world. I just realized,if I don't give credit to all these good people,then who will?Who will let them know that they matter,too?Who will tell that Security Guard how nice it felt when he told me that I was kind,just because I put my trash in the trash can,which,in the first place, was in fact, my obligation?

I live for the hope that one day,the rest of the world will wake up and see the beauty in every single thing,even in the most mundane ones.I wish everyone could touch a cancer patient's cheek and tell her that she is beautiful,and for once,make her cry with tears of joy.I wish mothers and daughters could just realize sooner than normal that they do live for each other,and that nothing in the world could come in between them.I live for the hope that there are still good people who actually care about the welfare of others,and are not afraid to show it.

I live for Christmas dinners and those street children who brave the cold weather, singing Christmas carols in the street, tapping car windows. I live for the people who actually open their windows and share their blessings to the less fortunate;the world needs more people like them. I live for the hugs friends share when words couldn't explain feelings anymore. I live for anonymous donors, overseas Filipino workers, and non-government organizations volunteers.

I live for the rainbows after the rain. I live for the bravery of my fellow Filipinos who managed to smile even after the storms destroyed their homes last year. I live for the unity that was shown in the face of tragedy. The Philippines is a country not as financially rich as the United States nor the European nations, still, we all managed to somehow smile and help each other.With tears in my eyes,it has been proven to me that we were not hopeless,and we never will be.

I live for the people who take the courage to sail even when they are destined to fail. I live for my Mom,whose faith in love is undying,and for my Dad,whom I terribly miss every single moment. For my sister, my aunts, and my grandparents, whose faith and love for me never cease,for the neighbors who say hello every once in a while.

I live for all the simple moments in life,because they are the most fragile ones in my memory.I live for lazy Sunday afternoons,for the summer breeze, for blowing bubbles in April, for the smell of new clothes, for a box of 124 pieces of crayons, for the cats that meow and the dogs that bark, I live for waking up at 3 AM from December 16-25 to complete the 9 early morning masses and for the wish I get when I do, for the sweaters and cardigans I only get to wear from November to February, for Lilac blooms and the sound of a little girl's giggles, for the feeling of comfort when my cheek is pressed on my pillow, for sweet daydreams and teddy bears, for all the laughter and tears.

I live for the sake of being able to live, because every man dies, but not everyone lives.

Softly,We Tremble Tonight

I think I blog too much, but you really can't do anything about it.

Today has been a day of keen observation. If you knew me well enough,you would know that I don't pay all that much attention to things unless I'm really bored. My mind is always floating with thoughts and ideas so most of the time, the hands of the clock would tick by and I would not even notice.

Today,I made it my business to just look around me for once.

I've never seen the road as beautiful as I have seen it today. The branches of the trees that swayed above me were beyond magical--I felt like I was in wonderland. On my way to school.I thought about stuff that I usually think about.Like why people die and why things happen.



Human beings are funny,in a way. Sometimes, we are annoyingly funny. Sometimes, it's just plain rude. I was sat in McDonald's all alone, eating my lunch in quiet stillness when a lady (she's about 25-28) asked if she could share my table.I said yes,of course.I mean what choice did I have? Even though there were tons of vacant tables, it would have been rude if I said no,right?

Well,I just realized that no matter how kind you are and no mater how good your intentions are,people would always push you to your limits and you must forgive them for that.Perhaps you make others feel like that too,at times. So the lady turned out to be VERY talkative.I was never the type who talked to strangers like we were old friends,mind you.I have trust issues. So I was wuietly nibbling (hehehe,nibbling) on my chocolate sundae, and I was having these really disturbing coughing fits in between,and she wouldn't shut up.

Nibble,nibble,nibble.She wanted to know where I lived,where I was studying,why I was at the mall, how old I was, what year was I in, what course I was taking, how long did it usually take me to get home, did I take the jeepney every single day, did I have anyone with me at the moment...The list could go on forever. Right at that very moment, I was mentally nagging myself for ever deciding to buy that chocolate sundae. All I wanted was to have some alone time with myself to be able to think things through,but her words were faster than bullet,so as soon as I put the plastic cup down,I politely excused myself and escaped the scene of the crime.

What I'm saying is, that WAS VERY RUDE. I really appreciate it when people talk to me,I mean,I do that a lot in Twitter and Facebook,but when I am eating, DO NOT EVER SPEAK TO ME. I am very strict with this ever since high school. I do not like being watched or talked to when I am eating, cause I respect and value the food. To others it may sound shallow, but why do we pray before we eat? To thank God for the blessing,right? Well, that is the reason why I like eating undisturbed. It makes the meal all the more special and sacred. That is just my opinion.

If you ever find yourself in the same situation one day,respect the other person's privacy and silence,please. As you can see,I was really pissed,and I still am,because I feel violated. I don't know why. It's just so annoying,even until now.

In Memory Lane...Again.

Look at this photograph...Every time I do it makes me laugh...

I'm toying with memories of the past again.That's so typical of me,I know.I just can't help it.

It's so hard to believe that so many years have passed,and so many things have happened already.My heart still feels young,like I'm still eight or ten,or maybe,fourteen. Back then,I was so eager to grow up and be a woman,have a husband and kids,a home to call my own, and go and visit my parents on Holidays. Now that I am close to that, I am not so sure anymore.

That's the problem with me.I change my mind a lot.I'm always uncertain... One day,I wanted to be a teacher. And then I woke up taking Food Technology in High School, and suddenly felt that I wanted to be a chef. I still want to be a chef,but I am just wondering... What if there's more to life than dreams and the future?

We keep worrying about the future.This I know,for on the rare occasions that I go out of the house to visit some neighbors, what they always talk about is the fact that they have no more rice to cook for tomorrow, or that the kid might be going to school with no lunch money. The funny thing is, they only talk about it; they never do anything to change their fates.

Anyway,enough of that,I guess. So why am I playing with memories again? Because I am so stressed right now,I don't know what to do. I have lots of things going on in my mind, and the past is the safest place for me to hide. I just miss running barefoot on what used to be a narrow dirt path in front of our house, or build haystacks in the rice fields during harvest season. I never get to do those things anymore. For one, I am too old for those, and two, I actually have no time.

When I was little I would feel like a princess, riding on a carriage that was pulled by a carabao. My grandfather owned a carabao, he still does. Those carriages were made to transport the rice sacks from the middle of the fields to the side of the road. It was so much fun, I felt free.

I guess I made these memories my sanctuary because I only remember what I want to remember. I find comfort in knowing that once when I was a child, classes were suspended because there was a storm. For three days,we stayed indoors with no electricity. I used to collect candle wax and round it up into a ball,then used a match stick for a wick. When the sun came up again one August afternoon, I was so happy to be outside the house again that I immediately went to play in the backyard. We had a papaya tree there, where I found a golden tortoise beetle. I loved golden tortoise beetles, and the colors they would project when hit by the sun.

I wish I had a photograph of all those precious moments when we all smiled and tackle hugged each other. They say photographs are good because they never change even if the people in them do, but don't they realize that photographs fade,too? That's why I rely on my memories. They are not that vivid now, I might get the faces wrong, but I clearly remember the exact emotions I felt during those days. No more,no less... And I wouldn't be lying to myself.

Hope

A gift.

A curse.

I didn’t know what I have.

The way.

The course.

The face of the man I love.

I traveled.

I lived.

I longed to meet him.

My past.

My humanity.

I searched,but it was dim.

I ran.

I fought.

I was alone and lonely.

I waited.

And waited.

I waited until he found me.

A monster.

A killer.

I was  the fear of many.

A puppet.

A fool.

I thought love has found me.

I ran away.

Far away.

Until fate intervened.

I was lost,he found me.

I was dying,she saved me.

She held out her hand.

He took it without stopping.

For the first time in years,

The puzzle was complete.

And we felt hope.

Six Billion Secrets. I Have Two. What's Yours?

*click to enlarge*

Two of these posts are mine. Can you guess which of these are submitted by yours truly?

And can you state the reason why? Haha... State it on the comments section. :P

That's all for today. :)

If You Knew How Happy You Are Making Me...I Never Thought That I'd Love Anyone So Much...

Don't you find it funny or strange when a certain scent, song, color, or thing remind you of someone?

To me,it is like an imprint. That certain something will always be attached to someone's name, and wherever, whenever, whatever I am doing, when that thing presents itself to me,I will always remember the person.

It's july already. I can't believe how fast time passes by nowadays. You go to bed one summer night, and then you'll wake up and find that another year has gone. It's rainy season again, and just as the rain waters flood the streets, memories and dreams flood my mind.

The rain will always remind me of my dream life in the future. I may be high maintenance at times, but I will always remain a simple girl at heart. When it rains, I envision myself relaxing in my own home, curled up in a sofa positioned beside the window,just watching the raindrops fall, listening to the thunder roll, a cup of warm chocolate in hand, jazz music playing on the background.

I never wanted a huge house. I dream of a small but decent one, three bedrooms, a nice kitchen, soft beige colored walls, a roll of thick carpeting and oriental rugs on the floor.I want a front porch painted in immaculate white,with two lounge chairs perfect for viewing the stars at night.I want a huge garden, a really huge one where I can grow different breeds of roses and orchids, and dandelions.I want warm and dim garden lamps installed,and a willow tree in the back yard to serve as shade when it's barbecue weekend.

I want a stable job that would not require me to go abroad and stay away from my loved ones. I may want to have my own charitable organization someday. I want a car--not a fancy one, but perhaps a Toyota RAV4, Fortuner, or Yaris, or maybe a Honda Jazz or a Nissan Monterosport, a Hyundai Santa Fe, or, if I am lucky enough, a Ford Expedition. I really don't care about details, so long as it is a family car. A white family car.

Above all these, I dream of going home to a delicious smelling dinner made by the man of my dreams. He would serve it on the table, with thin white smoke still steaming from the bowl of rice. He would ask me how my day has been, and in the mornings I would knot his tie and kiss him goodbye before we leave for work. He would drive a bubbly little girl to and from school, and she would sit on his lap at home, her brunette curls reaching her shoulders, and together we would teach her how to draw a star. At night, we would make the time to say goodnight to her, and read to her about Cinderella or Snow White.

And as time progresses we would sometimes fall,but would help each other back up all the time. We would have our own share of misunderstandings, but we would always sort it out. We would watch our children grow, and walk them down the aisle, tearing up every time.

Eventually, we would sit on the porch, hand in hand, in perfect silence. We would look at each other and smile, and when it rains, we would always remember that it all began with a dream.

From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart

*click the image to enlarge

Well hello, I have been flamed again. :)

After weeks of not updating my Fanfiction The Day You Said Goodnight, I decided that tonight, it's about time I do, since I have free time.

But then again, maybe I decided wrong. First review for my latest chapter: FLAME.

Aurike, you see, doesn't like tragic stories. I mean I understand her. She also flamed me in Chasing Rainbows. And now, she couldn't understand why Jasper had to choose between ALice and the baby, because according to her, we now have advanced (modern, whatever...) technology like the Ceasarian section wherein Alice could give birth to the baby without harming any of them...

So I said, this is the plot of my story. If this wouldn't happen, my story would be pointless because then it wouldn't revolve around anything. Believe me, I hate plotless stories.

She responded with the private message above. Again, I understand her point, but it's not that easy to not take it personally when she said "your doctors are just stupid".

First of all, I wrote those Doctors. I was the one to give them souls and lives, so that meant I am stupid for writing them like that. Okay, I am stupid. She just basically called me stupid, and I am not hurt. It's fine.

Second, she called me cruel for writing stories like this. Well then, I hope she could give me some tips and suggestions in what I should write next because clearly, she doesn't like what I am doing right now. I would really want to know what she wants to read so that I could please her...So I am cruel, and I am slightly hurt. Does she even know me personally to say this to me? I don't know, cause she is hidden behind a computer screen. No photos, no stories, no description of herself.

Third, she speaks as if she knows everything there is to know about life. Let me ask, has she had a friend who gave birth to a dead infant? Well, my friend did. She was not even sick when she was pregnant with her baby. That was last year. She and the baby were perfectly healthy, they could afford all those modern technology, and her husband didn't have to choose. Still, my point here is that the baby DIED. The baby came out DEAD even after all the smiles and assurances that everything would work out fine. Now,compare this to my story, which is worse? Does this mean that the Author of my friend's life is cruel like me, or maybe even more? No, cause life happens like that. That's what I have been trying to inject on her mind from the very start, but Aurike just wouldn't buy it.

I am never an angry person, you know? I rarely get mad because i always try to put myself on someone's shoes before judging them, but this is just too much for me to handle. Just please,if you have nothing good to say, just don't review, alright? I appreciate constructive criticism, but your criticism is just plain criticism--you create them to bring me down, and trust me,you almost succeeded but I am one tough girl. If I am, by any means, disappointing you with my writings, then, quit reading them. It's as easy and simple as that... I don't know why you even bother in the first place.

This would be the last time I'd address this issue. I just want to make my point clear, because it seems to me that you cannot see it. I don't think you know me personally,so please have some respect and stop using adjectives to describe me.Introduce yourself to me, tell me what you want, and maybe we could even be friends. I want you to be happy, but it looks like your happiness depends on bringing me down,so I regret to inform you that should you keep up with this,you will never know true happiness.

So long, Aurike. I'll be waiting for your suggestions on how I can write better stories. Perhaps you know better than I do. And please, I want to read some of your works too. If you are not too busy making other people miserable, please make time to write one.

Thanks.

Seann.

Never Lose Focus!

Woooh!!! I traveled 4 hours to Manila to see Eclipse with Mainia today and it was the best day ever! Ever! EVER!!!

I still got the Eclipse fever,can you tell?Well,it was so fucking good,I had to curse about it even though I am not really a big fan of profanity. I think I'll see it again tomorrow. No,I'm sure I will see it again tomorrow!

So this post is all about the movie.I perfectly understand that some of you guys haven't seen the movie yet and you might not like spoilers, so I'm putting my review and fangirling squees after the cut. Click the line if you want! But don't blame me if it ruins or strengthens your excitement!
Okay, so we spent more than an hour in line to buy tickets cause there was a HUGE number of people swarming for them. It was early; we started at 11 in the morning. By the time we got our tickets, it was 12:30 in the afternoon. The movie began at 2:30, and we were seated on the second row.We were practically looking up to the screen but we had no choice beacuse the theater was packed,and those were the only seats available.

Let me tell you though, it was WORTH it. More than that, to be honest. It was very rewarding cause for two movies' worth I have been disappointed that Melissa Rosenberg didn't seem to care enough about the characters apart from Edward and Bella (cough Alice and Jasper cough) . First, in Twilight, she didn't write about Alice's backstory, nor did she include them in the Prom scene. I mean come on, perhaps it was not Melissa's fault; perhaps it was the production staff's or whatever---but seriously?Like,they could have at least shown rosalie and Emmett and Alice and Jasper going to prom.

In New Moon, my favorite scene was the airport scen where the depth of Jasper and ALice's relationship was defined. Well, sadly, it's all in the book,but NOT in the movie. I was so disappointed,like, Jasper only got a line or two! It was....sad.

Now! I didn't expect anything to avoid getting to disappointed once the movie came out like the other two, but frankly--I knew there must be some reason why Eclipse is my favorite book (and now,movie) from the Saga.Among the three,it was the best.And maybe I am being biased,but I don't think Breaking Dawn can surpass this--the book's plot is just too overwhelming-in a bad way-unless they include more of Alice and Jasper.

Now,on with the review which is like 8275265% squee and 7338765% fangirling and swooning over Jacksper!

AGAIN, SPOILER ALERT! Click on the line at your own risk

I'm Always Gonna Worry About The Things That Can Break Us..

I've been reading a lot lately. Within this week, I've finished Mates Dates and Diamond Destiny, Dear John (for the tenth time), The Last Song, and I'm halfway through The Time Traveler's Wife.

Tomorrow, it's Father's Day. Well, I do not want to elaborate about it right now. Mainly because it still hurts. After almost seven years, I still can't bring myself to think or talk about him without a lump forming in my throat. Until now, I believe it's my fault, and nobody even knows why.

Anyway, screw you, chicken pox. My days of suffering are over, but the scars are starting to appear now. It saddens me big time- if you know me well, you will know why. I'm upset because I won't be able to wear mini skirts and shorts and jumpers for a while. That is one hell of a big deal for me because I love wearing those items of clothing. Dresses are out of the question too. I have scars on my arms.

Earlier today, I made a CD mix of a soundtrack for my fanfiction, Chasing Rainbows. Yeah yeah, I'm crazy. But I love writing that story so much that I'm now stalling just so I could prolong its existence. Not that anyone cares, anyway, but I just can't end it yet. Anywas. I made the CD and imagine my frustration when our oh so fancy CD player won't read it because our oh so fancy CD player only plays original discs. Yes, yes. It's kind of bitching me out, really. So I had to use the China- brand player just so I could listen to my CD. Meh. But it is a pretty good mix. The songs remind me of certain chapters from the story. I guess that's a good thing.

One more thing, my grandmother subtly banned us from drining Coke or Pepsi in the house. Now all we get to drink is iced tea. I like iced tea, but.... I guess it's not a secret how I worship Coke. I CAN'T live without it, so forgive me, gran when I smuggle in some Coke as soon as I get back from school.

That's all that really happened to me this week. It's boring here. I wish I live somewhere else, you know? Like Manila or something.. Anywhere... Where there are city lights and bustling cars and young couples making out in the dark. Hahaha!!

I'm kind of loving and hating The Time traveler's Wife at the same time. It's a complicated novel, I mean, Henry travels back to the past and meets young Clare, and then Clare meets him in the present and he has no idea who she is because he is 40-ish when he traveled to the past and i the present he is just 28 so it hasn't happened yet. Hahaha. I do understand the complexities though. I can follow the timeline but as I have said, I'm only halfway through it so I don't know where it is leading, plot wise. As far as I have read, I think it still lacks sense. Maybe it will get better as it progresses, what do you think? Maybe they'd realize that you actually have to get up from bed in order to live. It seems to me like all Henry ever does is time travel or have sex with Clare. Haha!

That's it for now. I just joined MySpace, by the way. It's confusing.

Slingshot: Aimed At Everyone

Hello, I'm back with a strong will to rant, so feel free to hit the X button on the upper right corner of your browser if you are not willing to hear the truth, because I feel miserable and misery loves company. Not this time, not this time. I just want to claim my right to a nagging spree.

Okay, just in case you are living in a delicate bubble where cursing and swearing A LOT is acceptable, go away, as I'm currently holding a needle to pop your world. Let me tell you first that I am not a goody two shoes who doesn't cuss and swear when an unfortunate situation comes. I do say bad words... But only when I'm desperate and exasperated.

It just annoys me that kids right now think it's proper and acceptable that they curse as they please. Call me old fashioned, but I'm not a hypocrite. See? Saying F-CK in a sentence is not good, but we really can' avoid it at times, right? So I think we could bear with that. I could bear with that, as well as SH-T and other cuss words that I wouldn't really want to type here one by one. You get the picture. It's okay as long as you watch your words, moderate, and use them properly.

But when you start using a cuss word for EVERY SENTENCE you say, now, that's an entirely different issue. I don't know what's with cursing, I mean, do kids nowadays think it makes them seem cool and independent when they swear? If they do, then I have a very different point of view from them. It's up to you to realize who's seeing the world in a good perspective, and who's seeing otherwise.

I'll admit it here that I'm shooting one kid in particular, but you wouldn't guess who this kid is. You don't know him/her, but when I was her age, I cursed, and guess what? My aunt slapped my lips with my then newly bought slippers and it hurt a lot. I never cursed since then, I never attempted. All I'm saying is that time changes a lot of things, but things like this one (proper language and guidance from elders) shouldn't be moved by time. It will do all of us no good if you pepper every single phrase with curse words. I even think it's repulsive when I see or hear one curse like there's no tomorrow.

Sure, hit me with the overused phrase that the Philippines is a democratic country, and that we are all free to do and say what we want to. True, it is. But as Filipinos, inhabitants of this paradise, we carry within us the responsibility to preserve what polite manners our ancestors have passed along to us. I'm not saying we shouldn't curse or swear or do this or that, cause I'm not in position to dictate. We all have our own mind and emotions to help us deal with what's wrong or right, use it. Swearing doesn't make you look cool. In fact, the younger you are when you curse, the less chance you have to ever gain my respect.

Kthanxbai.

P.S.

I know the photo is irrelevant to the subject, or so as you might have been thinking. Well, no. I took this photo last June 1, a bridge in my Aunt's boyfriend's house. I just thought it goes well with my little rant above, because if you open up your heart and actually suck my message in, then you would understand, and finally, it would be like crossing that bridge from one side to the other. Unadultered happiness is waiting for you, mate. Happy trip.

Dreaming of Falling...

I just feel like I'm the loneliest girl today. *sigh* I don't want to bore you with my stories about days like this, but what else can I do? I need to blog to get this all off my head if only for a good ten minutes or so.

First of all, I really miss you, Louise and Vicky. You know, we keep denying to ourselves the fact that we have somehow grown apart... But it's not hard to see that we have. Or maybe it's just me that grew apart from the both of you. Well, whatever, really. Either way, we're not as bonded as we used to be. We used to be so eager to talk. I don't know what happened, but whatever it is, I love you. I do. And every single minute, it hurts to think that maybe I'll only be with you in dreams. I live in the Philippines, but part of my home, you bring with you wherever you are.

I miss Rani, too. Our random Twitter conversations with Leslie always pick me up. She's busy with studies though, so I totally understand that. I'm looking forward to talking to her again soon.

And then there's this uneasy feeling. I feel sick. They say I might have chicken pox any minute now, and I'm really scared because pain is the greatest of my fears. School's approaching, and how will I go to school if I'm sick? I don't want to be absent on our first week, cause then when I'm able to attend on the second week, everyone is already friends and I'd be left out like some kind of a freak.

I want to skip the next five years of my life, to be honest. I just want to fast forward and see what I'd be like after all these years. I want to have a regular job already. I want to go out of the country and see if the rain is just as chilly there as it is here. Mundane things like these keep me going. Sometimes, I feel like stopping everything altogether and just don't move, but somehow I keep pushing through. For reasons even reason can't find.

When The Air That I Breathe Becomes The Air That I Choke

I love Ashley Greene so much that sometimes, it hurts to know that I'll only reach her in my dreams...

Sometimes, I question God why I was born unwealthy. WHy wasn't I born rich, so that I could go to wherever she is and see her, even just for once? Wouldn't that be nice? Loving someone with all your heart and knowing that somehow, they do not have any idea about how you feel for them is the most painful thing in the world.

Admit it. We all want to be noticed. That's why we do our best to get someone's attention. Unluckily for me, I couldn't do anything. I love her so much and she means the world to me.Sometimes, I even go as far as daydreaming about meeting her, or receiving a tweet or a direct message from her. To some,these things are trivial, but we all have that in us,it just so happened that we feel differently for different people.

Now,knowing that she's going to London is awesome, and my two best friends might be there to meet her, while I will remain stuck here, dreaming of being there, meters away from them...Sometimes, life sucks too much that it makes me want to cry.The very thing I want is the one thing I can't have.

I can't put it in exact words,but I know that you know what I mean.This is the only time I feel like the things that are making me happy are now the very things that cause me tears.I know someday it would all work out fine though.I just want to get this off my chest that there's this one chance of meeting the three of them at a time,it's the best thing ever...It's hanging above my head,but it is way beyond my reach. :(