I was headed home from the movie theater when you called.
"I need you here."
That was what you said.
Your voice held a tone of urgency,so without seconds thoughts,I rushed back to your house.
When I arrived and rang the door bell,your house helper answered me by the gate.Except for her,the house was empty.
"Where is he?" I asked,a little annoyed that
you might be toying around with me.
She told me that you informed her that you were going for a walk in the abandoned subdivision, Green Meadows.
I asked her if she thought you were serious,she nodded.
I was worried.The abandoned subdivision?Green Meadows?
What were you thinking?Still,I hired a tricycle to take me there.I was scared,not for myself,but for you.Yes,
I know what loneliness does to you.
I was frantically calling your phone,but it just kept ringing.I got no answer.
When the tricycle dropped me off by the front gate,
which was rusty and old,by the way,and it made an ugly screeching noise when I pushed it open,I looked around in hopes that I would see you,but I didn't.So,wearing my uncomfortable plaid peep toe flats,I made my way pass the tall swaying trees of pine,following the narrow dirt path that was drawn among the grass.
It was a long walk before I saw you.
You were sat on the grass,facing the scattered patches of wildflowers that bloom only in Summer.
The orange glow of the sunset illuminated that sad look upon your face.It made your sadness so distinct that I felt a
fang of guilt crawl through my veins as I sat beside you.
Without looking at you,I spoke. "Will you tell me about it...
Or do I have to guess?"
You sighed.That question held some significance to our friendship.
We never force information out of each other.That was what we always used to ask,to find out what was wrong.
Silence.
It used to be so comfortable,but a lot has changed in the last two years.If not for the same old girl's reflection in the mirror that glances back at me every time,I would believe
we have entirely lost what we used to be.
You continued staring at the dancing flowers.There was a warm and gentle breeze.
If it had not been you and I,I would say it was romantic.
As your thoughts carried you to a world of your own,I slightly turned my head to
secretly stare at you.For the first time,
I saw what you've been hiding all those times.I saw your
burning ache to call me your own,and to feel that you belong to me.I saw someone who wanted so bad to be mine,hiding behind the facade of the same guy that was
mine in an entirely different light.
"I'm sorry if I worried you."
You said that.
It was the first time you've ever been sorry.You used to annoy me,pull pranks on me and purposefully make me cry,and not once did I ever hear you say you were sorry,
even when I demanded it from you.
I frowned,it was my turn to fool you. "I got blisters on my feet for walking all the way here."
Instead of what I was expecting,I was surprised when you pulled my shins up to get a hold of my feet.One after the other,gently,you removed my shoes.
"I know
I'm also causing you pain.I read your blog last night.I'm sorry for being selfish."
"Don't be." I answered. "
As much as I want to say I hate you,you could probably see how deeply I care about you."
You nodded,with that
immeasurable amount of pain showing in your forced smile.I wanted to look away.
I could never bear to see you in pain.Instead,I closed my eyes.
Darkness and light fought for dominance when you asked me to stay for a while.I was supposed to be going home,but I didn't voice it out.
If staying for a little while longer was the least I could to to ease the pain a bit,it was my responsibility to never say no.
I still do not know how long we sat in silence.I was a little surprised to see the stars the moment you got up and took my hand in yours.
Reluctantly,I stood up,dusting my pink summer dress before I turned and saw
the shadow of what used to be your sweetest smile.I should know--
it was one of my favorite things in the world.
You touched the crest of my choker,beaming as I sheepishly blushed.I once told you that
whenever I'm wearing it,good things happen.
You pulled something out of your side pocket.The night was clear enough for me to recognize what it was.
An orange ribbon-the one you pulled out of my hair when I stole your favorite cap a year ago.Only now,it was adorned with beautiful little flowers from your Mom's garden.They were
the ones I used to pick when she wasn't looking--orchids and baby's breaths.
Delicately,you tied it on what I used to call
"something close to a ribbon knot" on my wrist.I stifled my laughter as you tried hard to tie it--we both know how
you really couldn't make a ribbon.It was not one of your talents.
You put my hands around your shoulders.You kept yours protectively on my waist.
To the sound of the humming crickets and the birds weaving a lullaby,with you in your faded bermuda shorts,while I was on my
bare feet,with the breezy night as our only witness,
slowly,under the stars,we danced.
That was when I realized it:
Whenever you want to,without intending to do so,
you could always make me forget how badly I want to forget you.
I kept my gaze away from your eyes,
it was getting way dramatic than originally planned.
To my utter amazement,
you pulled me in an embrace suddenly,and
I didn't have the heart to pull away.All that mattered to me was that you felt better.
All things other than that simply hold no interest for me.
Without meaning for them to,tears streaked down my cheeks.You were crying secretly,and
it broke my heart when you hugged me even tighter.It was like
you wouldn't ever let go.
"I love you,
you know that..."
I nodded,even though it was not really a question that needed an answer.
"I know this would be so hard.This would hurt...And
there would come a day when I would wish I just died..."
You hesitated,and I began sobbing.My tears pooled a darker spot on your shirt.
I've held them back for as long as I could remember.I knew where it was leading to,but I waited for you to continue.
"I'm letting you go..." You whispered.I felt your lips tremble against my ear,followed by your sudden outburst of emotions.I saw you cry once,twice,maybe three times...But
not with that intensity.Not with that
resigned and pained expression on your face that made me want to blame myself for not feeling the same.
I pulled away so that I could look at you.Smiling,but still
crying and torn apart,I spoke.
"Thank you..." I was still
shaking with tears so I covered my face with my hands.
"Thank you..."
The long drive home was silent.
You kept your eyes on the road while
I watched the lights flicker by and blur as we drove past them.
I mumbled my last goodbye as I stepped out of your car.For the last time,too,
you held the door open for me.I stood by the road as
you sped away from me.I don't know if you noticed but I waved goodbye to you,to your car...
It was the last time I'd ever be there.
Part of me is
grateful and relieved that you finally found the courage to move on and start looking for the love that you truly deserve to have.
Part of me is thinking of
what might have been if things turned out differently...
if I happened to feel like you do...We would have been happy.
There's a lump in my throat,I still couldn't speak.
We used to be inseparable.
Part of me is in
grief,mourning at the thought that
I have just lost you.
