I Miss Everything About You.

I guess it's one of those things I have no control about. People come, people go. But it's easier said than done. How will I go on with my life when it feels like I'm leaving part of my heart behind? It can't beat properly...

Ching, you may or may not be able to read this, but I'll let my guard down all the same. It's like a letter I will never send. I'm writing this not because I want to force myself into your life. I'm writing this to let all the pain out of me, because I am about to explode.

First of all, Ching, I miss you.














The last few days have been blank. All I remember now are the times I spent thinking and worrying about you. I've known you only for a short time but in all those moments I talked to you, it's like I have been acquainted with your pain. I might never know what hurts you, but it doesn't stop me from feeling the depth of your wounds and wanting to help you treat them, make them heal.

I can't even describe to you how sad you are making me... Don't get me wrong, please... It's not like I'm blaming you... It's just that....I should have been there more for you. I should have let you know how important you are to me. In my life, I claimed you as a younger sister, and it hurts me inconsolably to know that I could have done something-anything, to make you stay.

You did not even say goodbye. You told me you'd hold on and never let life beat you. What happened, Ching? Did they hurt you? Did anyone do something bad to you? I so badly want to protect you, to shield you from all the pain. I so badly want to receive you in my home, my fortress, and be able to tell you that nobody will hurt you anymore.

I guess it's too late for me. I feel like I failed at being a friend because of this. I feel like I have let you down when I promised not to. I feel like you banged the door close on my face. I miss you so much... I miss you so much...

I know you think nobody loves you. Truth is, I do. I may never have told you enough how much you mean to me...I wish I could fly despite my lack of wings. I wish I could give you a hug every single day and tell you how beautiful you are until you believe me, cause you are.

Wherever you are tonight, Ching, I'm sending you all my love. I'm whispering to the wind and I hope it carries to you all the words my heart says but my lips cannot utter. I'm not forcing you, nor even asking to be a part of your life. I just want you to tell me something, even just one word-satiate my heart's thirst for you. I hope you don't feel alone. I may not be there with you, but I am here for you.

I wish I could wipe your tears away. But because I can't, I'll cry with you instead.

If I can't stop you from bleeding, then you can't stop me from bleeding with you.

I love you so much. I hope all is well.

The Wait

I'll be back, you said. That was all I really needed to hear.

For years,I sat by the window,waiting for your return. I watched the raindrops splash into the glowing pavement, and chased butterflies in the garden during the Summer.

Wishing you were there to hold me close,like you always used to do.

Not a day passed by that somehow,at some point,I did not think about you.

Why can't I just go with you? I asked,my eyes were rubbed out,swelling,as I cried for you.

I cried for you...

Your old gray shirt somehow comforted me.I wore it at night,when there were thunderstorms and I was much too terrified to sit by the window and wait.

I cuddled with your shirt,inhaling your scent that was barely there.Sometimes,I inhaled so deeply that I ran out of breath,desperately trying to catch the fragrance and hold it in my lungs.It was the only way I could hold you in me.

When I celebrated my birthday,I looked myself in the mirror and somehow found that I was not the girl I used to be.Everything has changed,but my feelings for you remained the same.Untouched,unfathomable. I whispered Happy Birthday to myself, concentrating hard on mimicking your voice to perfection,so that I would feel that you were there,celebrating with me.

When times were tougher,I would lock myself up in my room and just whisper your name.I talked to you like you were always with me,like you were never gone at all.I told you about my days,about my wait,my patience,and my faith that one day you would walk through that door again,and I would be there,throwing my arms around you,and you would know how much I have missed you.

I hugged myself in bed,and I never forgot to say my good night to you,like a prayer,before I go to sleep. I once stayed awake all night,awaiting your return,staring at the ceiling,projecting virtual memories of the times I spent with you.I was so into it that when the bubble showed you turning your back from me,I began to sob and plead.

Don't walk away. Don't leave me again...

 And I woke up to the sound of the chirping birds and passing cars,and I hugged my pillow tight because it was the only thing I could do back then,because you were not there.

You were never there.

Last night,I set the table for dinner,turned off all the lights and lit a candle.The table was filled with your favorite food; there were roses and daffodils in cut glass bowls around me. I set two plates across each other on the table,and poured wine on the glasses.The sound of it touching the bottom of the glass was almost intoxicating.I felt your presence,and I knew,I just knew,that you'd be dining with me.

And so I put on my best smile and tried not to cry.

Happy Birthday,Mom. I whispered into the dark, and right at that moment, nineteen years didn't seem too long a wait.It was worth it.

Because for once,you were back,and your voice that I heard,saying that you loved me, was not a product of my imagination anymore.

It was real,and you were,too.

I hugged the telephone before putting it back on its cradle,trying my hardest to capture that moment forever.With my eyes closed,I held on to the last flimsy strand of hope that maybe you thought about me as much as I thought about you while the distance between our feet lingered.Maybe I had you beside me all along...

Don't go,I sobbed when you said goodbye.

On the other line,I heard you sigh. I'll be back.

And that was all I really needed to hear.

I Wish I Live Inside A Snowglobe

This post was written last April 28,2010 in my personal journal. I'm posting this here for future reading purposes,just that. I do not mean to offend anyone.

I'll Be There

My Place from John Murphy Avalon Video on Vimeo.

One day, Ireland.
One day.

Boulevard of Broken Promises

A stream of tears,a shout for help
Alone,disheveled,unkempt.
My mind is but a memory box
Signed,sealed,locked.

Far away,from a distance
I heard a battle cry
From happiness to woe,from friend to foe
It's a fight I'll never win.

Arms on my chest, hands in my heart
I am but a misfortune
Sad,serene,sweet souvenirs
remind me of the heart I never got a hold of.

Sore feet, this was what I got
For walking in your boulevard of broken promises
My ribbon of hope that you cut
Was strewn about as I plunged in the darkness.

Kismet

I made this a long long time ago. September 9,12009. Quite epic, 09/09/09 LOL.
I remember this was exactly how I was feeling that time. Song's Kismet by Silent Sanctuary.

A Promise Beyond The Kiss Of Death

Tonight,I remember him.

Sitting under the stars,looking at the brightest one,I'm holding on to his promise.

"I'm always with you..." He said. And even now he's gone for weeks, months, I'm not giving up.

I threw another crumpled paper on the trash. Miss. My bedroom floor is strewn with crumpled papers. I'm writing to him again, like I always do. Tonight, my pen is being stubborn. It would blot, or spread splattered ink, ruining my letter. Oftentimes I spell some words incorrectly, so I decide to start a new. No way would I send him a letter with erasures. He only deserves to read perfectly handwritten ones.

So again, I scribbled as carefully as I can. I poured my feelings on the words, making sure I'm not holding the pen way too hard. I did my best to practice this calligraphy to perfection.

Anyway, he's too far away from me now. I couldn't reach him by phone...It's only through letters that we communicate. He answers my letters through the wind...Peculiar, I know.

Two years ago, he asked me to leave him...I didn't. It's all my fault, but how could I? How could I just run away and never look back when I love him this much?

"Run!" He screamed at me that night. I was frozen, my limbs were unmoving as I tried to reach out for him.

It was the night of our third anniversary. We were walking hand in hand, laughing as we strolled the park. It was dark, he was carrying the life sized teddy bear he gave me, while in my arms was a bouquet of red roses.

"I love you." He whispered before kissing the tip of my nose.

That's when we heard them. Shuffling feet, faint laughter. His grip on my hand got tighter as we continued on our track.Nervously, I hang onto him, linking my arm with his.

"When I ask you to run, you should run." He whispered. "Don't look back, no matter what happens, no matter what you might hear."

They showed up round the bend when we were about to turn back.

"Look who's here." Said the one who looked like the leader. "Lover boy."

I knew him. He was my suitor but I didn't like him. He held a grudge that I loved my guy.

"Happy anniversary." They mocked while forming a circle around us. "We have something for you."

"Don't touch her!" The love of my life screeched. "Don't you dare touch a strand of her hair!"

They just laughed. "Choose, motherf*cker." The gang leader kicked his side. "Your life, or her dignity?"

"Kill me." He answered without hesitation.

"No! No!" I screamed, banging my arms against the bad guys. They were strong, though.

"Run!" He instructed. Quickly, I took out my phone and dialed 911. They didn't know it, and I was careful not to make them notice.

"Run, please, run!" He pleaded.

"No!" I answered stubbornly. I couldn't leave him like this.If he dies, we'll die together. That's what I told myself. "I wouldn't leave you here on Sunset Park." I made my voice loud enough, hoping against hope that someone was hearing me on the other line.

"Well then, you have chosen." The devil spat as he kicked my boyfriend yet again. "Death." He laughed evilly.

"Don't look." My angel whispered in a hoarse voice. "i don't want you to remember me like this."

I was crying so hard. Choking in my own breath, drowning in my own tears. "Please, no..."

From a distance, police sirens were quickly approaching. I felt hope. "Thank God, thank God." I muttered under my breath, looking up as I spoke.

Just then, when I smiled at the brightest star,the sound of a gun filled the eerie silence with dread. Inside me, I know what just happened. I know who's gonna cry. I know who's hurt. I know everything but I denied it.

Painstakingly, I looked down, hoping to see it was all just a dream. Fate was cruel, times were hard. Life had a way of making me smile like there's no tomorrow, then suddenly leave me hanging on the edge. I didn't look at him. My white teddy bear had a red spot on its chest. Blood...

Instantly, I cradled him in my arms. He was gasping for air, reaching for my face. I leaned down to kiss him, he bathed in my tears.

"Don't leave me..."

"I'm always with you." He still managed to smile. "Happy anniversary. I'll be the air you breathe..." He took his last breath, then died in my arms.

Since then, I started writing to him. I wrote to him about everything--my life, my problems, the heartaches I deal with, and my day to day struggle to accept the fact that he's gone.

Where are you? I wrote. Why can't I feel you? I feel so alone. I wish you never left me...

It has been a year since that fateful night. In my sleep, I could still hear the sound of the gun.It still gives me the creeps. Sometimes, I cry myself to sleep, wishing he was there. I will never regret not running away when he asked me to. I knew they'd kill him anyway. It just annoys me that they left me alive.

I folded my letter carefully, then tied it to the end of a balloon's string, then gently, with tears in my eyes, I let it go.

I lose track of it in the darkness, but somehow, I know it would reach him. "Happy anniversary..." I whispered helplessly. "Now, more than ever, I wish you were here..."

I lay in bed, unmoving, sobbing tearlessly. I want to hug him, to be able to hold him...To feel him beside me, but I can't do a thing.

The next morning, I woke up to a butterfly resting on my shoulder. Not far from our neighborhood, there were fireworks in the sky. He's here. I know it...

Kissing the Bad Habits Goodbye

I've decided to change for the better starting tomorrow when I wake up...I'll never stay up until the wee hours of the morning again, because it delays my monthly period (and makes my Tita panic) and ruins my skin (pimples!) and makes me cranky...This means goodbye to Twitter chats with my overseas friends...That sucks, but this is for the better. v.v

I'll post something that makes sense tomorrow.

The Shell

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Ice Creams Melt,Balloons Fly,and I Always End Up Holding Nothing in My Hands

I once read a quote about how a child in the park is holding an ice cream cone in one hand,a balloon in the other.Standing under the sun,the child accidentally loosens her grip on the balloon,thus it flies away,leaving the child crying over the loss.While she spent her time wallowing in misery over the lost balloon,the ice cream in her other hand remained unnoticed until she felt it melting because of the heat.Now,she is left with nothing.She cold have been comforted by the ice cream but she never gave it a chance and just let it melt away,all the while crying over the balloon.

The lesson?Never take anything for granted.

When I fall in love,I become stupid.Stupid enough that I wouldn't let go even if it starts the end of the world.When I fall in love,I do everything.My world would start revolving around the only person who means everything to me.

In my opinion,love makes people self centered.The only thing we care about is the person whose smile makes our day.The person whose words we abide like law.The person whose scent we want to breathe.People like me are like that little girl in the park.Their loved ones may be like the balloon,a red one.Who is the ice cream,then?The ice cream is the most pathetic yet romantic person on earth.The one you wouldn't want to hurt,but end up hurting anyway,because you can't give them what they want.Because you let them melt in the sun.Because you can't let go of the balloon.

The Little Girl

I stand alone,looking up in the sky.I see my balloon flying high.I cried,but it just passed me by.I tried to reach for it bit it is much too far now.Too far,I can't catch it now.Too far,my balloon is just a dot in the sky.Too far,it got so high.As I threw it my last loving glance,I whispered to myself,"there went my everything."

Once upon a time,I fell in love.I would have said I am a princess who met my prince at a faraway castle,but I most definitely am not.I would love to say "and we lived happily ever after",but my story is not a fairy tale.Mine is one that ends up tragically.

Just like the little girl in the park,I paid attention to my lost balloon,knowing that the ice cream is still there.I needed to grieve over something terrible so I did.Love is a complex emotion.It is wonderland when shared by two,but sometimes it just doesn't go that way.Someone falls out while someone's still in.Someone says he has to leave,because he isn't in love anymore.He left you alone in Wonderland,and suddenly,all the princesses died.All the castles got blown away and the flowers withered.Snow White was deserted by the Seven Dwarfs,and Belle's beast was nowhere to be found.Suddenly,it's just you.The land of fairy tales and Knights in Shining Armors in your head became a witch's cave.Everything colorful went gray,even the rainbow deprived you of the pot of gold.He leaves you alone with just a goodbye and a broken heart,and what could you do?You deny yourself the fact that he doesn't love you anymore.You feed your heart with insanity and false hopes,expecting him to come knocking on the door.But he wouldn't.

The pain won't let you move.It wouldn't heal.Time will make you used to the pain until you can bear to live again.But you still miss your balloon.You still stand there,under the heat of the scorching sun,sweat and all under your palm,your head tilted up the sky,following his path.You never paid attention to the melting ice cream in your hand because he is still there.You are not hungry or thirsty so you don't need him yet.

Finally,the sun rose higher up in the sky,burning your throat with a strong desire for something cold.You reach out to your ice cream and what do you find?A pool of sticky milk and cheese-it is already melted.Now that your ice cream is already gone,you miss it.You blame yourself for crying over a balloon that wouldn't come back down to you.You wish you didn't waste your time ignoring the ice cream in your hand,waiting for you to turn to him for comfort.He is gone now,because he got tired of waiting for you.

The Balloon

She loves me.I am her everything.What I want,I get.She holds on to me like her life depended on it.She tied her hand to the string that connected us.She tied herself to me.But it is my nature to go and find where I belong.I don't want to be stuck there tied to her.So I flew away from her.Looking down,I can see her tears.They sparkle at the edge of her cheek as the sunlight kissed it.I saw her cry,but I can't go back now.I have to fly,so fly I did..

Once upon a time,I fell in love.She was the princess and I was the frog.Without her,I wouldn't have been me.She made me the best that I can ever be.She kissed away all the ugliness in me.She gave me her eyes,her heart.I was enjoying the spotlight.But I found a better audience,so off I went and left her alone.

I know how miserable she'd become after I went away.She refused to be comforted,and she waited only for me.But I had no plans of coming back.I'm enjoying the way I am free now.No limits,no boundaries.I can feel the air blowing through my hair.It felt nice to be free.I do not regret anything.

Before her,I was a nobody.She was my hero.She gave me everything,but everything's not enough.I need more,and she has nothing more to give,so I escaped.

I decided to look for something or someone better,so off I flew,destination unknown.I went higher and higher,opting for the blinding sunlight.As I got nearer,I was burnt,but I didn't mind.I wanted to go to the top,the highest I can achieve.Like gravity,the grandiose of that light pulled me closer.Closer,I can feel the glory.I pushed myself closer to victory's surface-finally I succeeded...I heard a pop,and the last thing I know,I'm on my way down the ground.

The Ice Cream

It was a hot afternoon.She laid her hands on me and for a second,I forgot everything.She was standing there,holding on to me when a man approached her and gave her a balloon.A shiny red one,I reckon.Instantly, her face lit up with the sweetest smile I've ever seen.From that moment on,I was forgotten.

Once upon a time,I fell in love.In a story like this,I would be the ice cream-the biggest loser of all.I was meant to make her feel better when she is hurt.Her balloon just flew away-stupid bastard-and that made her cry.The sound of her weeping broke my heart,or my cone,I should say,because I'm the f*cking ice cream.

I heard her faint sobs and I couldn't do a thing about it.She was hurt,so I gave her some time to cry.I patiently waited for her to move on and accept the fact that he was gone,but as time passed by,it got worse.

What hurt me most was the fact that I was there,I could've made her feel better but she didn't give me any chance to.I was knocking,but the door was never opened,it was even bolted.Still,I waited outside,for her to call me and ask me to make all the pain go away.I could've done that.I whiled away the time,hoping one day she'd look at me.I was the ice cream.I was screaming at her to look at me,have a taste and she'll feel better.I was asking her to see me for the first time,I wanted to make her see that I'd consume myself to soothe the pain she felt,but she grew distant.

I promised myself I'd wait.I said unlike the ice cream,I would never melt.I would always be there for her.But I was the ice cream,and when you're the ice cream,you have no choice but to melt.

For the last time,I waited for a chance to love her.The pain was like the heat of the sun-it burned my heart.All the pain I felt in waiting was buried deep inside me,melting the ice cream in me little by little,until one day,she finally gave me the chance I'd been asking for so long.She looked at me with love and I saw my reflection in her eyes.By then she knew the answer.She can't consume me anymore.The pain had won and I was melted.

It felt so good to melt in her hands.
At least she knew I waited-she's just too focused on the balloon that she never noticed me before the sun turned me into someone I don't recognize.

************************************************************************
Representations:

The Little Girl-a girl who fell deeply in love with someone who doesn't love her back and takes for granted that other someone who loves her.In the end,she realizes that she loves him too but she realized it a little too late.

The Balloon-The lucky bastard with whom the girl fell in love with.He takes her for granted and moves on to find someone better but in the end,he ends up being hurt,just like what he did to the girl.

The Ice Cream-The other guy who loves the girl so much but is taken for granted.He waits for her but she doesn't give him a chance till it's too late.He lets himself be destroyed by pain and that ends up his love for her.When he has finally decided to go,the girl then decides to give him the chance he was asking for but it's too late.

**Ending:

They did not live happily ever after but they all learned their lessons. >_~

how i feel-in a photo

yeah..that's just about it.longing for something..