It's Not Much,But We Can Make A Life Out Of It.

 

 Don't be afraid of death. Be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever. You just have to live.

Faced myself in the mirror early today. I've been spending some time holding my head between my knees,trying to shut everything out. I miss my friends. I miss going on vacations with my family,no matter how short the times I got to spend with them were. Today was my grandmother's birthday,and reality hit me square in the face.She's getting older,weaker,and each minute I spend with her should be priceless. I watched her every move.The way she took a piece of my fish for luch,the way she sipped Coke from my glass. I'm scared cause I don't know how much more time I have to see her like this. I'm scared...

My phone is filled with notes I type late at night when 'm up,trying to drown my thoughts with music. What would become of me? I don't know,but I know what and who I am and who I want to be right now.

I'm young,and I know I shouldn't be scared. Hell, I know what kind of music I want to listen to,and I will blast it out whenever I want,wherever I want. I'm entitled to make as many mistakes as everybody else, wear whatever suits my fancy, say my thoughts aloud.I can dance in the middle of the street and NOT care what strangers say. I can skip school whenever I wish to just because I can. I can say "Fuck Mondays" and I will never wait for Friday,it will come to me. 

I'm young,and I wish I wasn't scared. I wish I could admit to my mistakes and just shrug it all off in the end. I get mad at my friends for doing stupid things WITHOUT me. I hate it that time passes by so quickly,that we barely have time to breathe and watch the world around us because we're all so occupied with our own needs.

I'm young, and I'm scared. I'm scared of not being who I want to be. I'm scared of not blending in with the crowd, when all I really want is to stand out. I'm scared of growing old alone,and I can't wait to fall in love again. I'm scared that Christmas will be lonely just because I have no one special to share it with,and seeing happy couples make me jealous,but I say they make me sad,because I can't admit to jealousy. I'm scared that one day,the world will look at me through my very own eyes and see that I really am no one special at all, just a piece of twig wrapped in pretty ribbons. I'm scared that the future isn't as secure as it once seemed. I'm scared that I might find him.My dork with the black framed glasses, dark, messy waves, suspenders and intelligence.

I'm scared that I'm wanting all the right things at the wrong time. 

I'm scared, cause I know this life is mine, but I might never be able to actually own it.

My Happy Ending ♥

I know that nobody's perfect,but this won't stop me from hoping that someday,someone who's perfect for me will come.He will be simple, loving, and a gentleman. He will have a great sense of humor and a tender heart that cares for others, and he will not,by any means, tell a lie just to impress me. Every time I'm with him, I will feel safe and fuzzy inside. We will be good together, and good for each other.

Someday,I will fall in love with the right person,at the right time,and for all the right reasons.And when that happens, I will not get so caught up in him that I will forget all the little things I love about myself, like my long,curly hair, the way I love laughing at the silliest things, and how I love spending some time alone. He will help me achieve my little goals every day (like doing something good for another person's benefit at least once a day, and be able to express myself through the smallest things), and support me in pursuing my grandest,craziest dream: to be a published author of a free style memoir.

I may not run into the person I deserve anytime soon,but that's okay. I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm not in a hurry. I know the Prince Charming kind of guy is out there,and he is also looking for me.And when we do find each other,it will be real and wonderful and magical and just unbelievable. And I will know for sure that the long wait-and maybe even the heartbreaks that came with it-was totally worth it.♥
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If You Knew How Happy You Are Making Me...I Never Thought That I'd Love Anyone So Much...

Don't you find it funny or strange when a certain scent, song, color, or thing remind you of someone?

To me,it is like an imprint. That certain something will always be attached to someone's name, and wherever, whenever, whatever I am doing, when that thing presents itself to me,I will always remember the person.

It's july already. I can't believe how fast time passes by nowadays. You go to bed one summer night, and then you'll wake up and find that another year has gone. It's rainy season again, and just as the rain waters flood the streets, memories and dreams flood my mind.

The rain will always remind me of my dream life in the future. I may be high maintenance at times, but I will always remain a simple girl at heart. When it rains, I envision myself relaxing in my own home, curled up in a sofa positioned beside the window,just watching the raindrops fall, listening to the thunder roll, a cup of warm chocolate in hand, jazz music playing on the background.

I never wanted a huge house. I dream of a small but decent one, three bedrooms, a nice kitchen, soft beige colored walls, a roll of thick carpeting and oriental rugs on the floor.I want a front porch painted in immaculate white,with two lounge chairs perfect for viewing the stars at night.I want a huge garden, a really huge one where I can grow different breeds of roses and orchids, and dandelions.I want warm and dim garden lamps installed,and a willow tree in the back yard to serve as shade when it's barbecue weekend.

I want a stable job that would not require me to go abroad and stay away from my loved ones. I may want to have my own charitable organization someday. I want a car--not a fancy one, but perhaps a Toyota RAV4, Fortuner, or Yaris, or maybe a Honda Jazz or a Nissan Monterosport, a Hyundai Santa Fe, or, if I am lucky enough, a Ford Expedition. I really don't care about details, so long as it is a family car. A white family car.

Above all these, I dream of going home to a delicious smelling dinner made by the man of my dreams. He would serve it on the table, with thin white smoke still steaming from the bowl of rice. He would ask me how my day has been, and in the mornings I would knot his tie and kiss him goodbye before we leave for work. He would drive a bubbly little girl to and from school, and she would sit on his lap at home, her brunette curls reaching her shoulders, and together we would teach her how to draw a star. At night, we would make the time to say goodnight to her, and read to her about Cinderella or Snow White.

And as time progresses we would sometimes fall,but would help each other back up all the time. We would have our own share of misunderstandings, but we would always sort it out. We would watch our children grow, and walk them down the aisle, tearing up every time.

Eventually, we would sit on the porch, hand in hand, in perfect silence. We would look at each other and smile, and when it rains, we would always remember that it all began with a dream.

Find Me Again

Good evening...

Half an hour ago, I decided to turn in early as I am not feeling well. But the moment I closed my eyes, this line just popped into my mind, out of nowhere. That is FIND ME AGAIN.

I don't know where I got it. Maybe I've been watching too much Korean dramas or reading way too many romance novels (I love you, Nicholas Sparks), but either way, it lead me to this realization, that once in my life, someone found me. I was astray, but he lead me home. I tried to ignore this inkling feeling to write, believe me, I did, I even made a compromise with myself, that I will blog it down first thing tomorrow morning, just not now cause I'm really tired, spent, wasted.... Whatever you want to call it. But here I am. I ended up sighing and giving in, because if I let these emotions go, they might not be the same tomorrow. That was one thing I learned from him.

Back to those days, when I was young and naive (I still am, but I improved a little. Or maybe that's what I like to think.), I was a crumpled piece of paper. There's this someone who kept on shaping and misshaping me as he pleased, trying to make me be who he wanted me to be. As I have said, I was young and naive, maybe even stupid,  and I thought I was in love so I let him dictate where my life should be headed, because when you love someone, you feel happy even with the slightest glance. Even when he treats you like crap.

It was not a good relationship, and after my heart broke enough, he threw me away like trash. Now, looking back, I feel like if I had been there watching my stupidity, I would have slapped my younger self in the face and tell her that love is not as simple as I made it out to be.

That was when the other one found me. You see, after I was thrown, carried away by the wind, he picked me up and told me that I was worth so much more. We met in April, and until now, thinking of it, what we had was what you would call a summer fling. There were problems that lay along the way, but when you feel the way I felt about him, I swear you would have no fears too, like I didn't. I was secure.

We began hanging out on May 6, this I clearly remember, because the excitement of dating for real for the first time rendered me sleepless for a few nights. He was kind hearted and easy to talk to, and believe it or not, I fell for him every single day. He had the ability to make me believe that I was somehow beautiful, and he didn't just say it; he showed it, too.

He was my first love, and when I told him that I loved him, I meant it more than I let him see. I did everything for him, like he did everything for me, and everything felt so perfect. I was literally sitting atop a cloud those day, those few months that I was with him. But what we had-it was never official.It was something special that only we could see, and we were a couple, but what kind of couple, I couldn't tell. All I knew was that I loved him, and I was living in a bubble where he was a Prince, and I was a Princess, and every love song ever made was written for the two of us.

What I didn't know was that bubbles tend to pop easily. One innocent argument grew to be two, until they multiplied before my very eyes, and one day, I woke up by reality's side. It was the 6th of August when he said goodbye. Again, this I clearly remember, because it was a beautiful and rainy afternoon, just two days before our Acquaintance Party. I was on my way home when he told me that he didn't feel the same for me anymore, just when I was about to apologize for not letting my real emotions flood through. It was the worst day of my life, my lips were quivering, and all I wanted to do was cry, but I couldn't, because I was on a passenger jeepney.

It took me more than a year to get over him. Not completely, because on the back of my mind I know that once I love someone, there's no turning back. No matter how much pain I've gone through because of them, there will still be a little space in my heart where they would reside forever. It was not easy, the first few months that I tried living without him. I forced myself to forget immediately, but because it was all so special, it was not easy. It was never easy, it never would be.

The day after he walked out of my life was the hardest. I woke up pinching myself, hoping it was all a dream, and it wasn't. And I was almost suicidal. My days were like an empty pit, and as time flew by, it got more hollow and it seemed to get darker. It was embarrassing to sit in a corner in my classroom and cry, with my classmates thinking they did something that upset me, but I did anyway. There was this one guy in school who had the same name as his, and I swear every single time he walked by and his mates called him, my head would jerk up automatically in response, hoping against hope that it was the guy I was longing for.

If all the love songs seemed to be written for us when we were together, all the heartbreak songs tore my heart a little bit more as I struggled to continue living without him. I used to have sleepless nights thinking what might have happened if he knew how strongly I felt for him. I used to regret not saying all the words that I kept within me, when they could have been my saving grace. My friends would always look at me with pity back then, because all they could read in my eyes was sorrow. They were puffy and red, and I was tired.

It took me so long to partially realize that our destinies were etched in the stars, and that stars have the tendency to explode and fall. I wrote my first name with his last, now, I don't have any idea where I put the paper.

Still, there are times when I'd stare at the stars and make a wish for someone I deserve to find me again...

Under Your Wing , Take me Home To My Dreams

The stars are never far enough for us to reach.

I have always been a dreamer. Oftentimes,I would lie awake in my bed in the wee hours of the night,dreaming about the future I was born into. It makes me scared,but all at the same time,it makes me hopeful.

It's never a sin to dream. We could have our own heaven on Earth just by dreaming. And with a lonely broken heart,that's what I usually do.

 My dreams vary. Most of them are just blurred sequences of what my subconscious self is always wishing for. Sometimes, I dream of dancing with the dandelions. Sometimes, I dream of watching the sunset. Oftentimes, I dream of going to Europe and ending this pain.

They have always provided me with a nice and easy escape from the harsh reality. When I'm dreaming,there are no vast oceans and seas. Heaven and Earth are not miles apart, and people could sleep on clouds or play among the stars. In my dreams, there's a huge rainbow arched above my roof, and  as a bridge it serves,connecting the gap between our lands.

My heart...It has always been pretending to be numb. For so long, I kept on ignoring this pain I'm feeling inside. But now,it's a throbbing ache that renders me sleepless nights.

I force myself to close my eyes and drift off to oblivion,to that only place where I could meet  them.Temporarily, my heart would smile again. And the pain that sears through my whole body would be gone in a snap of a finger, for there they will be,standing in front of me. There we will be, sitting on a perfect shaped log, surrounded by the greenest grass, with wildflowers blown by the wind, together with our hair.   The sunset will paint the sky a marvelous pink, and it's beauty will reflect in a lake. Dancing,  the trees will be dancing, and we will hear the birds chirp.

....We will tell each other stories, and soon enough,our laughter will fill the air...

And I would wake up, certain with myself that if only I could have that dream,I would sleep for eternity.

Even Heroes Have The Right To Bleed

I stayed up again last night,talking to Vicky on MSN.I don't know how I would live anymore if Vicky and Louise go out of my life,seriously.

Back to the topic,we had this very honest conversation about our strangely intertwined lives.Two girls,living on different sides of the world,tied to similar fates.

We are both passionate about writing,friends,and family.People who only see us but don't bother to look closely will probably say we're typical girls who love to laugh and enjoy life as it is easy for us.Wrong.

Most of them would never know what lies behind our chipper mood.I love making people happy,encouraging them to do what they want,telling them that they're doing great,seeing all the good things in every person--but I don't practice what I preach.

When I changed the URL of this blog,people came up to me and asked me if I deleted it.I asked them why they had to know,and their answers were almost the same: they like reading what I write.I must admit that it made me feel happy,knowing that somehow,someone takes interest in what I want to say.Still,I was surprised,cause I don't see why they would even bother reading.I believe these works are all worthless,anyhoo.

At least,I'm making them happy,right?Yes.I love seeing other people happy,especially when I am the reason behind their smiles.A friend even fondly calls me "Savior" because she says that's what I am to her.Try as I might,I can't be as perfect as people assume me to be.

Just because I come out strong doesn't mean my knees don't shake,and tears don't fall.They do,of course they do.I'm also human,after all.Even if you see me as a hero,I am also vulnerable.I also get hurt...and sometimes,I wish someone would take the time to ask if I am okay,because I need to be saved,too.

Don't tell me your life is a wreck.Believe me,it isn't.If you knew Vicky and I,you would even think you're lucky.We're having it the hard way.It's not easy to fake a smile when inside,all you want to do is cry.

Go on...Go on wishing that you have my so called fairytale life.I wonder how long it would take for you to realize that I have no fairy Godmother here.Just when you thought you're the most cursed person on Earth,you met me.And you would know...

It's not easy to be me.

When Will I Feel The Magic In The Air?

If nothing lasts forever,will you be my nothing?

That's just so corny,I know,I know...But I've been waiting for months now,where is he?Why isn't he here yet...?What's taking him so long to find me?

I sound desperate,don't I?Well,I am desperate.I'm at wit's end.When I broke up with my last boyfriend,I felt free--I would never deny that.It's like I've been suffocated for so long,then finally the strangler let go of my neck,letting me breathe again for the first time.I thought I would be happy,but now that I am free...I guess I might have been wrong.

We always have our regrets,don't we?I don't regret breaking up with him--I still think it's the wisest decision I've ever made.But I was wrong for thinking living without love would be as easy as breathing.You see,I've been in a relationship for two years--that was something really serious,and it got me addicted.Being in love is like a drug,even if it's slowly killing you,you'd get hooked somehow.That's what happened to me.

Now that I'm single (for 6 months,I guess?),I really miss having someone to lean on to when things are bad.I miss having someone to talk to on late nights,abut the most trivial of things that don't make sense at all.For once,I'm seeing how love has brought color to my life.And now that everything is dull and lifeless,I just want to have someone who would be willing to listen to me rant about my frustrations,wipe my tears dry,shush me and assure me that it will all work out fine.I want someone here,beside me,lying on the grass,gazing at the stars,tying our handkerchiefs in knots as we whisper our wishes,watching a meteor shower on the coldest and darkest of nights.

You know what I'm talking about,right?I've always said that life could be so lonely at times,and I do not want to take it for granted,but in times like this,all I really need is love.

Call me a hopeless romantic,I don't care.I just want to have that feeling back.

Those moments when the radio would play "Today Was A Fairytale" and I would instantly have that idiotic grin on my face,while my daydreams take me to wherever he is,also dreaming of me.♥

Fairytales and Giggles:A Journey To My Past

I just want to share my thoughts before going to bed,cause yes,just like you,I always have this little thinking session before I finally close my eyes and drift off to a hopefully dreamless sleep.

In these little thinking sessions,I often get lost in a trance.My mind seems to like wandering off to the past or to the future,whichever I prefer to think about on a certain night.

Tonight,it's about fairy tales and giggles. It's about the past.

I just miss those days when I was little. I used to make forts out of our blankets.Sometimes I'd wrap them around my body,then go on parading around our shabby little house.Things like those used to make me happy.My favorite show was a noon time show, there was this segment called the "Calendar Girls". It was a beauty contest.It was what always inspired me to secretly snag my mother's make up and smear lipstick and mascara on my eyes, and all over my face.I can still remember bugging them to please take me to audition for "Little Miss Philippines" but they never got around to it.

As a child,I was a loner.I do play with kids my age but oftentimes,my parents and family were overprotective,since I was the only child in the family back then. My sister was born when I was five years old.Back to my little self,I used to spend every afternoon of everyday in Jollibee.That was because my aunt and I had a deal that whenever I get perfect scores on quizzes and exams,we'd go to Jollibee.I used to have every single toy they made.

We had this huge backyard where I liked to play alone,running around,talking to my doll,or picking blueberries.Yes,we did have a blueberry tree,and it was my best friend.When we had our house renovated,it was cut down,and I missed it.I was never that fond of milk,I preferred Milo or Sustagen.I could never live without them.

I lived an easy life back then.I was treated like a princess.What I wanted,I got. They used that method to motivate me in school.Whenever there was a poem to memorize,my mother would lock me up all afternoon in our bedroom,and I could never be let out until I memorized the damn verses.After that,she would take me to the store where I could pick everything I want,and she'd buy them.I always picked Ring Bee cheese sticks,only because I loved putting those sticks inside my ears or nose,and that always got me in trouble with my father.

I remember swallowing a 25 cent coin,and being operated because of the earring lock that got stuck in my ear.I remember overhearing my mother say she'd name my sister "Rhiza May", and I remember asking her to give my name to my sister instead,and give me the name "Rhiza May" in exchange.That's how much I hate my name.I remember climbing trees,sneaking out with my friends to the ricefields,dreading the time my father would find out that I sneaked out.

I remember bringing my best friend to our house.My parents were in the farm that day,so we raided the food cabinets,and found two kilograms of uncooked pasta.I remember putting water on a pot,waiting impatiently for it to boil,putting the pasta sticks eventually,and when they were tender,I sprinkled it with soy sauce, fish sauce, and ketchup. I would never forget my best friend's face when she took a spoonful of the sauce to try it.

I remember running on the street with my playmates--the rowdy boys and the prissy girls--playing hide and seek when the moon was bright.We also had to attend two of our friends' funerals, who both died of illnesses our young minds didn't have any idea about.Their parents asked us to play,to lighten the mood,and even though we were sad,we did,cause that was all we could do.We played several games which,in the end,had my face all messed up with charcoal doodles.

I remember bathing on the water irrigation system for the fields,resting under a tree shade in what seemed like the middle of nowhere.We used to play with haystacks,and then when we were bored,we would go to the pond and catch tadpoles using our bare hands.I got a lot of disciplinary acts for those,but they were fun times I would never regret.

I remember having this one doll,which I did not name,but I loved so much.I had her when I was two,I last saw her when I was 17.Now,I have no idea where she might be.She was the prettiest doll ever,and I would never forget the way I cried one morning when I saw that her neck was slashed open with a knife. Despite the inflicted wound,I could not afford to lose her,so I decided to keep her.I had so many toys,like a Teletubbies plushie,but they could never surpass the bond I had with my nameless doll,so my parents gave up in trying to replace her.

I still can't believe that almost 15 years have passed since all these happened.In my blurry memory that seems to choose the events and moments to save for me to remember,it's like they just took place yesterday.As I curl up in a ball,closing my eyes,I can still hear our giggles and screams,the fairy tales we used to write in small booklets of bond papers when we played "bookstore".I can still recall those moments,the sparkle in our eyes when we exchanged gifts for no apparent reason at all.It's like magic.It's like I don't want to pull away from this trance,reminiscing those days when innocence was so genuine,those days when instead of looking back on the happy things that just happened,I was looking forward to the brighter things that were sure to happen the next day.

Time really is a mist.You go to sleep on the night of your 5th birthday party,then the next morning,you'll wake up,and you're nineteen.

Rewind

There will always be that one day,that one single moment,when you wish you could go back to the past and change something...There'd be times we wish we could pick up the remote control and press rewind,and that it would actually bring back those days we've lost.

Honestly, letting go is not my thing.I guess I've made myself clear enough in my past posts that I'm not that good in forgetting the past,especially the times that meant the most to me.

When you lose someone that you truly cared for,it leaves an aching wound in your heart.It will take days,weeks,months before it would heal,but there will always be that scar.It will never be the same,and it will hurt,time and time again.

I've experienced this pain quite a lot of times.I've been in and out of relationships,good and bad.They burned me,that much I could say.I was like a candle back then,and everytime I let go,everytime I cried,I gave a piece of myself away,until one day,I was a total wreckage.I did not recognize who I was when I looked into myself.

What I've learned from these past experiences is that life is like playing the piano.You wouldn't always get the right notes,but you should try,until you play the perfect melody,and always play from the heart.As for my life back then,perhaps I wanted to play a perfect piece,that's why I kept using the same notes.I refused to accept that the keys I used did not fit to a perfect harmony,so I ended up playing an ugly tune.

How I wish I could go back to those days I was naive,and tell myself that I was worth so much more than being a guy's pastime,crying shoulder,trophy girlfriend.

I wish I could go back to those days I was head over heels in love with that someone who was more than a friend but less than a lover,and warn myself that it will all be over sooner than I expected.


I wish I could go back to those days I was blind,and tell myself that I deserved to be trusted,and I had the right to fly,before he could ever set my wings on fire.



I wish I could go back to those days I was strong willed,and point the lack of assurances to myself,I could have saved that girl that was me from a lot of unnecessary pain.

On the other hand,if a fairy godmother appears and hands me that remote control to life,I would never press pause to freeze myself into a magical moment forever,for I want to know how to truly live and make each moment,even the most awkward one,magical.

I would never press fast forward to go see the future,for I want to see each coming day as a gift that I am about to open.A little surprise is always nice.

I would never press rewind to go back and change anything in my past,for surely,those things that happened,good or bad,were the reasons why I became who I am right now.

Instead, I would press the record button...so that I could store all the scenes in my memory, and one day, when I am old and wise,i could press play,and see my life flash before me.All the mistakes I made,all the laughter and tears,all the friends I had,my winning and losing moments,my kick-ass decisions and indecision, my silly games--they will all be laid before my very own eyes...

When that day comes,I know I would nod,smile to myself and whisper as I close my eyes, it was all worth it...

Dreaming Old Dreams,Wishing Old Wishes

I've always known fear.Since I was a child,I've had them.

I used to be scared of dogs,snakes,strangers.Now I've learned that there are so much more scarier things than those that could physically hurt me.

I'm scared of change.There are always those perfect moments that I luckily become a part of. There are always those times when I would wish the world would just stop and freeze because I love the feeling I am currently feeling, and I am scared that it would one day end. Because life will go on, and the moment would have to move on, eventually. Not even the prettiest photograph could capture the butterflies in my stomach.I am afraid that things might change after that.It will never be the same,but I have realized that if I hold on to just one moment forever,then it would be like I'm stopping myself from experiencing another perfect moment to happen.Change is the only permanent thing in this world,and I am scared,but I wouldn't let it get in the way of having the chance to experience as many fairy tale scenes as I could.

I am scared of losing.Not literally losing a game,or a bet,but losing the people I love,the things that have the most significant importance in my life,or a vital piece of myself that would defy my purpose in living my life the way I do.Sometimes,losing and change are strangely intertwined.When we lose something or someone,our lives will drastically change.We might not notice it,but that's the way it goes.I've always felt alone,I do,but that is just self inflicted loneliness.A deeper part of me knows that I really am not.I always have someone to turn to--I just don't because I like solitude.But knowing that someone's gone for good is different.It's the most painful part of saying goodbye: the knowledge that you have taken something or someone special for granted.In competitions,competitors almost always mutter "I could have done better".That's how it goes,too,in real life.The regrets that I could have done better makes it hard for me to let go of the past.

My fears are the strongest chains that bind me with this tree of permanence. I could be running,chasing pavements,flying with fireflies,contradicting time.But because I want nothing to change,because I want it all sure and planned,here I am,dreaming old dreams,wishing old wishes.The universe unfolds like it should,while I figure out how to push the demons down.

Uninhibited

Who am I?

 Dressed in sunshine,I breathe summer

Under the stars I dance

Bold,uninhibited,and yet,undiscovered.

Who am I?

Off to infinity,I ride a cloud

I sing in tune with the wind

Loud,uninhibited,and yet,unheard.

Who am I?

I am friends with tulips and pansies

Away with the waves I roll

Exuberant,uninhibited,and yet,unnoticed.

Who am I?

I prance around with butterflies

To the past,I travel,in my frilly beige frock

Confident,uninhibited,and yet,undecided.

So this one,I wrote this for my Vickeh!!! Love you.I'm not really sure if you'll like it but you do remind me of these things: butterflies, clouds, sunshine.Thank you for coming into my life!

Sweet Nostalgia

The course of true love doesn't ever run smoothly.It's like a roller coaster ride;it gives you the thrill,it makes you scared,but when it's over,you'll find yourself rooting for more.

What we had is even harder to forget.More than a roller coaster ride,it was...something.There's no name for it.There had never been us,but it was definitely something.

But time has its way of ruining even the most intricate and detailed love stories.Even Romeo and Juliet didn't have a happy ending.Who are we to wish for one?

Being with you was as easy as breathing.It was comfortable.It was like a lazy and rainy Sunday afternoon,curling up with a good book,and I couldn't think of any place I'd rather be than there.It was bliss.But it was never meant to be.

You know what I loved about us?The way we knew each other so well.Do you remember that day when I started walking away from you,and you tried so hard to stay mad but still ended up running after me?The things like that are what I miss the most.You made me feel loved and important.I don't know now how I could start from scratch...It's harder than starting over with nothing at all.

We were inseparable.Pencil and eraser,pedal and wheels,that was what they used to say.We'd never function very well without each other.I still have no idea why or how we've drifted apart.Maybe it was me,or maybe it was you.But I am pretty sure it was us.It was the lack of effort to make it work.We both were aware of our feelings...but we kept denying them.

Now,where are we?Here I am,pretending to be happy without you,while there you are,painting the town red,acting as if you're not affected.

There's just one thing that I've learned.Loving someone isn't always about fairytales and fantasies. It's about truth, and realities...And there's one question I've been meaning to ask...

We were almost there...What happened to us?

My Happy Place :)

Hills, lush trees, green grass, and a lake---put them all together, and you got my happy place.

It's located in Villa Isla, Science City of Munoz, Nueva Ecija. Somebody brought me there once, and instantly, I fell in love...with the place. Haha!

It is a quiet place, a good place to think things over and just reconnect with myself. Whenever I'm there, I'm at peace. I feel safe and loved, so close to nature. All I could hear is the humming of the birds, the occasional moos of the cows beside the lake, the sound of a farmer's tractor, plowing the farms nearby, the almost silent gush of wind---it is paradise.

Besides the peace it gives me, the place holds so many happy memories. I went there with my best friends and we had a lot of fun. I couldn't stop smiling whenever I remember that day we went there, we didn't bring anything, no blanket, no water, no food. We walked up the hills and got all thirsty halfway through our trek, we were drained out of energy, and all we had was a bar of chocolate, which we shared. It was fun and unforgettable. The next time we visited the place, we made it a point to bring a mat and food with us, and of course, Ryan's motorcycle for easy transport.

I miss this place. It's been a year or so since I last saw it, and whenever we go to Pangasinan and pass it by, I can't help but crane my neck and give it one long glance. I miss those times I spent with my friends there, the feeling of self fulfillment as we take the last step to reach the top of the highest hill, and that satisfying coolness of the wind caressing our tired bodies as we proudly gaze at the lake from the top.

I miss the sound of my shoes squeaking against the fresh grass, or how we would catch our breaths after we raced through a narrow dirt path. I want to hear it again, our squeals of joy when we found the perfect spot to lay our mat on, or the groans we let escape when the sun yet again changed position. I miss our funny conversations, or the comfortable silence. I miss the way we slap each other playfully, or pinch each other's arms, or reminisce about the funny things we did in the past. I miss them all. I miss this place, and I miss all those people.

In my happy place, I'm safe. I'm secure. I have no enemies, I have no limits nor boundaries. I can do whatever I want as I please, I can be who I want to be. In my happy place, hatred does not exist. My happy place is a place where the flowers that bloom are called love, and trees called peace provide shade from the heat. The lake overflows with laughter, and the birds sing of songs called friendship. In my happy place, there are princes and princesses, no evil step sisters, no evil step mother, no vain or greedy queens, only helpful madhatters and pixies and fairy dusts. In my happy place, hatred does not exist. In my happy place, hatred...It does not exist. Love reigns in my happy place. My happy place has a name. I call it my heart.

Today Was A Fairytale, Finally!

Why?

*I watched 'Miss You Like Crazy' and it was actually good. :)
*I cough*borrowed*cough my sister's black ruffled shirt and it kinda looked good on me. :D
*I got in Pro!!!!
*I got new story reviews and my readers are great. :)
*Caitie Uhlmann said I made her heart smile.
*Andrea Kelley said I am the sweetest thing. :) which just gives justice to my blog address. :D
*Mary Kasnias said my words made her smile. :)

and lastly.... Caitie Uhlmann followed ME. *faints*

The Final Step You Take Toward Insanity :)

This photo inspired me to write something today. Andrea Kelley is a sweet lady and she deserves everything good in life. I really really adore her to death! So I wrote this, inspired by the fairytale-like ambiance of the photo...I'm not so confident about it, but she wouldn't come across this anyway so I'd give it a shot! :)

Beyond the walls of nowhere at North,
Blindfolded by darkness and fraud,
I was hailed Princess of Tramp,
Discerning, but ill fated and dumped.

Confusion served as my crown,
Deceit wrapped my body like a ball gown.
Loneliness was my constant companion,
My Prince was nowhere but my imagination.

Love was my passion, now it's my poison
Slowly, in my veins, it crawled.
My kingdom watched as I faced my downfall,
Handcuffed and tied with my unfortunate fate, I took it all.

Through all this rubbish, I searched for equality.
In my solitude, I found tranquility.
I never regret that the one to kill myself was me.
My name is Andrea, and this is my story.


Okayy...So that was it. I can't think of an appropriate title... Someday I'd ask her for a title. ;P Haha! I love her but I'm a bit shy so this will stay unknown in this blog. I'm depressed, that's why the mood of the poem was kinda gloomy...A trapped princess! Sad, I know...But she reminds me of a lonely princess everytime I look at the picture...Whatever, I just love Andrea Kelley. Whoever stops me from feeling so shall first walk over my lifeless corpse. Kidding, but hell yeah! Love her so...
Okayyy Imma stop now. I idolize her so so much...She has a big big big heart!
This is to Andrea, with love...from the Philippines. :)

Was Today A Fairy Tale?

Wait for me, I'm almost ready.

Love is so peculiar. We chase the people who don't like us, yet we run away from people who love us.

It's the fear of not being loved back that's holding us from running to each other-something we want to do for the longest time-it's the fear of being rejected, the fear of being laughed at.

I know you're playing tricks on me. You're testing the waters to see if it's safe to dive, because you wouldn't risk being drowned,but what you don't know is that I am waiting down under to pull you up. I didn't tell you, I didn't tag along your games because I don't want to lose.

So what will happen to our happy ending? If Cinderella would'nt risk her glass shoe, would she end up with her prince? If Prince Charming wouldn't risk a chaste kiss, would he wake Sleeping Beauty? If Ariel wouldn't risk her voice for a pair of feet, what would her life be?

Fairy tales taught me not to fear falling in love. In all the fairy tales I have read, princesses and princes fight for love, fr what they believe in. They draw strength from each other, they compliment each other like day and night, sunshine and rain, tears and smiles. One would be nothing without the other.

What fairy tales didn't teach me is that life is so much different from a fairy tale. I expect someone to sweep me off my feet, save me from disgrace, give me a foot popping kiss. Reality is harsh. There are no knights in shining armors, unicorns and rainbows, not even a grand ball. In reality, all I could see are falling stars, but no wishes come true. There are wars, conflicts, and everyday struggles,but there are no fairies or pixie dusts.The only way to fly is through an airplane,and not even half of the world could afford that.Fairy tales are magical,they're fun to read,but at the end of the day, I still live in reality,which is cold and harsh, and cuts deep,and leaves scars.

These princesses waited patiently for their princes to arrive,but I'm not a princess,and I have no patience. Most of all,you're no prince...And I'm done waiting. You're almost ready,but I have been sitting here for a long time.The bus has arrived,my destination is set.I'm off to follow my fate.

What Hurts the Most

It's not a competition when you already know who's winning even before it started.

He was holding the gun, and he pulled the trigger.

Her dislike for jealous guys was not a secret, pretty much everybody knows about it.

They were like a couple,only there's no spoken commitment.It all showed in their actions.Today, she was puzzled.He has never been jealous before,or had he ever been,he never let it show.

She sighed,knowing he's referring to her.He thought her friend was her suitor.It annoyed her,him thinking so low of her.It scared him,he didn't want to lose her.

Sensing the tension,and knowing they really have to talk,their friends left the room.He started pacing back and forth,thinking of the right words to say.the words that wouldn't hurt her,but would subtly mean goodbye.

She kept following his movements with side glances,scared that he'd burst out mad.Silence was more painful to her than hearing him scream.It means he's thinking of the things she found unthinkable.

Finally,to her relief (or grief-she didn't know what to feel), he cleared his throat.

It's not a competition when there is only one candidate.

She felt emotions flood her chest as she uttered those words. She never really admitted her real feelings to him.She never said she loves him,and now seems to be the best time. Should she?

I should.She told herself.

Bravely,she started speaking again.

I--... She looked in his eyes,and all she saw were walls being built.And there she was,building bridges.

What were you going to say?He asked.He was sure she's about to tell him how she felt,but for reasons he didn't know,she stopped.

I'm thirsty.She lied,looking at the floor.

I'll get you a drink.He went to the fridge,contemplating on the way if he should just tell her and get over it.

Coward.She scowled at herself as he made his way to the fridge.Why can't you tell him?It's very simple.

He handed her the glass of water,and decided that he'd just tell her how he really feels.

He looked at her frail figure,hugging herself in a sitting position.All his life,he never felt anything like what he felt for her,especially today.He loves her,and today seems to be the best day to tell her.Should he?

I would.He promised himself,sitting at the foot of the bed.

He reached out to stroke her cheek,wondering where to begin.

I--.She looked up at him as he spoke.Her eyes were full of pain and doubt.

What if she freaked out?His mind questioned him.And like the jerk that he was,he bid his heart to follow.

I don't think this-we-would work out anymore.You and I-we have different priorities.

He stood up,his back to her,trying to hide the tears.He was crying,for the first time.

Pain.

That was the first thing she felt,crippling her chest as it replaced every other emotion in her system.His words were like pieces of a shattered glass,sharp,pointed edges,cutting through her heart.

Tears started spilling down her cheeks,both sides racing to reach the surface of her lips where the air would blow them dry.She didn't make a sound,silence was her only reverie.

I'm sorry.I'm sorry for hurting you.You might not want to see me again after this,but I-I am not in love with you.

He slammed the door shut,that was the most prominent memory she had of that day.The pain she felt was just as loud as the banging of the door.It rendered her speechless,but not unconscious to what he was doing.

He ran down the stairs,his head throbbing as he took two steps at a time.He was headed for his home which was conveniently across the street, but rain was pouring outside.

She followed him closely,ignoring the heavy feeling on her chest.His head was still bandaged,and he was not fully recovered from the accident.

He stepped out into the rain, shielded by an umbrella. They walked silently together as she kept her umbrella over his head,never minding her dripping shirt or the coldness she felt when the wind kissed her rain soaked body.

He arrived at his door,not a drop of rain on his shirt. He turned around to see her,the first things she noticed were the paths of dried tears evident on her face.

She looked up at him, smiled painfully, and turned around to leave.

Why did you shield me from the rain?He asked.

What does it matter to you?She managed to choke out in her hoarse voice.

They stared at each other for a minute.Him feeling guilty for bringing tears to her eyes,her feeling sorry for making him so upset.

Slowly,she walked away,feeling regretful that she didn't say the words.

"Because I love you..." She whispered the answer to his question.She was far enough that he wouldn't hear.

He gently closed the door behind him,and watched her leave through his living room window.

"Because I love you..."He said,sighing,as he answered to himself her question earlier.

From a distance, he saw her open up her umbrella, walking slowly away from him, from his life.

I promise not to be the reason for your tears anymore.Painstakingly, he pulled the curtains together,blocking away the view that would always haunt his dreams.

The Shell

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What Makes Me Happy

TRAVELING.

I love the feel of the cool air in my flushed cheeks.
I love the look of my wind blown hair.
I love the sunlight trying to blind my eyes.
I love the chirping birds,I love the dirt road.
I love the flowers as they dance with the wind.
I love the car horns blowing madly at each other.
I love the country song playing on the radio.
I love stopping by the roadside to lay on the grass.
I love seeing random people doing random things.
I love hearing the river flow as the water launches itself on the rocks.
I love the smell of fresh mud,farmers flowing their beloved land.
I love the mountains,I love the trees.
I love the provinces and the cities.
I love nature,I love the view.
I especially love traveling with you.

>_~ cheesy..

Ice Creams Melt,Balloons Fly,and I Always End Up Holding Nothing in My Hands

I once read a quote about how a child in the park is holding an ice cream cone in one hand,a balloon in the other.Standing under the sun,the child accidentally loosens her grip on the balloon,thus it flies away,leaving the child crying over the loss.While she spent her time wallowing in misery over the lost balloon,the ice cream in her other hand remained unnoticed until she felt it melting because of the heat.Now,she is left with nothing.She cold have been comforted by the ice cream but she never gave it a chance and just let it melt away,all the while crying over the balloon.

The lesson?Never take anything for granted.

When I fall in love,I become stupid.Stupid enough that I wouldn't let go even if it starts the end of the world.When I fall in love,I do everything.My world would start revolving around the only person who means everything to me.

In my opinion,love makes people self centered.The only thing we care about is the person whose smile makes our day.The person whose words we abide like law.The person whose scent we want to breathe.People like me are like that little girl in the park.Their loved ones may be like the balloon,a red one.Who is the ice cream,then?The ice cream is the most pathetic yet romantic person on earth.The one you wouldn't want to hurt,but end up hurting anyway,because you can't give them what they want.Because you let them melt in the sun.Because you can't let go of the balloon.

The Little Girl

I stand alone,looking up in the sky.I see my balloon flying high.I cried,but it just passed me by.I tried to reach for it bit it is much too far now.Too far,I can't catch it now.Too far,my balloon is just a dot in the sky.Too far,it got so high.As I threw it my last loving glance,I whispered to myself,"there went my everything."

Once upon a time,I fell in love.I would have said I am a princess who met my prince at a faraway castle,but I most definitely am not.I would love to say "and we lived happily ever after",but my story is not a fairy tale.Mine is one that ends up tragically.

Just like the little girl in the park,I paid attention to my lost balloon,knowing that the ice cream is still there.I needed to grieve over something terrible so I did.Love is a complex emotion.It is wonderland when shared by two,but sometimes it just doesn't go that way.Someone falls out while someone's still in.Someone says he has to leave,because he isn't in love anymore.He left you alone in Wonderland,and suddenly,all the princesses died.All the castles got blown away and the flowers withered.Snow White was deserted by the Seven Dwarfs,and Belle's beast was nowhere to be found.Suddenly,it's just you.The land of fairy tales and Knights in Shining Armors in your head became a witch's cave.Everything colorful went gray,even the rainbow deprived you of the pot of gold.He leaves you alone with just a goodbye and a broken heart,and what could you do?You deny yourself the fact that he doesn't love you anymore.You feed your heart with insanity and false hopes,expecting him to come knocking on the door.But he wouldn't.

The pain won't let you move.It wouldn't heal.Time will make you used to the pain until you can bear to live again.But you still miss your balloon.You still stand there,under the heat of the scorching sun,sweat and all under your palm,your head tilted up the sky,following his path.You never paid attention to the melting ice cream in your hand because he is still there.You are not hungry or thirsty so you don't need him yet.

Finally,the sun rose higher up in the sky,burning your throat with a strong desire for something cold.You reach out to your ice cream and what do you find?A pool of sticky milk and cheese-it is already melted.Now that your ice cream is already gone,you miss it.You blame yourself for crying over a balloon that wouldn't come back down to you.You wish you didn't waste your time ignoring the ice cream in your hand,waiting for you to turn to him for comfort.He is gone now,because he got tired of waiting for you.

The Balloon

She loves me.I am her everything.What I want,I get.She holds on to me like her life depended on it.She tied her hand to the string that connected us.She tied herself to me.But it is my nature to go and find where I belong.I don't want to be stuck there tied to her.So I flew away from her.Looking down,I can see her tears.They sparkle at the edge of her cheek as the sunlight kissed it.I saw her cry,but I can't go back now.I have to fly,so fly I did..

Once upon a time,I fell in love.She was the princess and I was the frog.Without her,I wouldn't have been me.She made me the best that I can ever be.She kissed away all the ugliness in me.She gave me her eyes,her heart.I was enjoying the spotlight.But I found a better audience,so off I went and left her alone.

I know how miserable she'd become after I went away.She refused to be comforted,and she waited only for me.But I had no plans of coming back.I'm enjoying the way I am free now.No limits,no boundaries.I can feel the air blowing through my hair.It felt nice to be free.I do not regret anything.

Before her,I was a nobody.She was my hero.She gave me everything,but everything's not enough.I need more,and she has nothing more to give,so I escaped.

I decided to look for something or someone better,so off I flew,destination unknown.I went higher and higher,opting for the blinding sunlight.As I got nearer,I was burnt,but I didn't mind.I wanted to go to the top,the highest I can achieve.Like gravity,the grandiose of that light pulled me closer.Closer,I can feel the glory.I pushed myself closer to victory's surface-finally I succeeded...I heard a pop,and the last thing I know,I'm on my way down the ground.

The Ice Cream

It was a hot afternoon.She laid her hands on me and for a second,I forgot everything.She was standing there,holding on to me when a man approached her and gave her a balloon.A shiny red one,I reckon.Instantly, her face lit up with the sweetest smile I've ever seen.From that moment on,I was forgotten.

Once upon a time,I fell in love.In a story like this,I would be the ice cream-the biggest loser of all.I was meant to make her feel better when she is hurt.Her balloon just flew away-stupid bastard-and that made her cry.The sound of her weeping broke my heart,or my cone,I should say,because I'm the f*cking ice cream.

I heard her faint sobs and I couldn't do a thing about it.She was hurt,so I gave her some time to cry.I patiently waited for her to move on and accept the fact that he was gone,but as time passed by,it got worse.

What hurt me most was the fact that I was there,I could've made her feel better but she didn't give me any chance to.I was knocking,but the door was never opened,it was even bolted.Still,I waited outside,for her to call me and ask me to make all the pain go away.I could've done that.I whiled away the time,hoping one day she'd look at me.I was the ice cream.I was screaming at her to look at me,have a taste and she'll feel better.I was asking her to see me for the first time,I wanted to make her see that I'd consume myself to soothe the pain she felt,but she grew distant.

I promised myself I'd wait.I said unlike the ice cream,I would never melt.I would always be there for her.But I was the ice cream,and when you're the ice cream,you have no choice but to melt.

For the last time,I waited for a chance to love her.The pain was like the heat of the sun-it burned my heart.All the pain I felt in waiting was buried deep inside me,melting the ice cream in me little by little,until one day,she finally gave me the chance I'd been asking for so long.She looked at me with love and I saw my reflection in her eyes.By then she knew the answer.She can't consume me anymore.The pain had won and I was melted.

It felt so good to melt in her hands.
At least she knew I waited-she's just too focused on the balloon that she never noticed me before the sun turned me into someone I don't recognize.

************************************************************************
Representations:

The Little Girl-a girl who fell deeply in love with someone who doesn't love her back and takes for granted that other someone who loves her.In the end,she realizes that she loves him too but she realized it a little too late.

The Balloon-The lucky bastard with whom the girl fell in love with.He takes her for granted and moves on to find someone better but in the end,he ends up being hurt,just like what he did to the girl.

The Ice Cream-The other guy who loves the girl so much but is taken for granted.He waits for her but she doesn't give him a chance till it's too late.He lets himself be destroyed by pain and that ends up his love for her.When he has finally decided to go,the girl then decides to give him the chance he was asking for but it's too late.

**Ending:

They did not live happily ever after but they all learned their lessons. >_~