Tell Me Something Sweet To Get Me By.

*click photo to enlarge.

If Only One Thing Happened Differently...

It's dark outside,I'm awake. All I want to do is sleep forever.

My problems are haunting me. I haven't even gotten a wink of sleep because each time I tried closing my eyes,the consequences would come alive in my dreams,and I can't stand them. My brain hurts from thinking too much. I don't think I can handle this,but I have to. I just wonder what's going to happen to me...to my life. It's selfish that I'm already seeking forgiveness,when I haven't asked for it yet.

It's just so...complicated.I'm cold,and I love this house,but how long will it be able to shelter me? I failed them. What hurts the most is that I failed myself,too,more than anyone else. It's sad when you want to cry,and even the tears won't stream out. It's as if they're saying, "You put this on yourself,deal."

I just wish I could wave a hand and be back in time,three years from now. One single mistake from the past is ruining my life,and I don't think I can face it. I can't...I don't want to...

I fucked up. I need a hug...

It's Not Much,But We Can Make A Life Out Of It.

 

 Don't be afraid of death. Be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever. You just have to live.

Faced myself in the mirror early today. I've been spending some time holding my head between my knees,trying to shut everything out. I miss my friends. I miss going on vacations with my family,no matter how short the times I got to spend with them were. Today was my grandmother's birthday,and reality hit me square in the face.She's getting older,weaker,and each minute I spend with her should be priceless. I watched her every move.The way she took a piece of my fish for luch,the way she sipped Coke from my glass. I'm scared cause I don't know how much more time I have to see her like this. I'm scared...

My phone is filled with notes I type late at night when 'm up,trying to drown my thoughts with music. What would become of me? I don't know,but I know what and who I am and who I want to be right now.

I'm young,and I know I shouldn't be scared. Hell, I know what kind of music I want to listen to,and I will blast it out whenever I want,wherever I want. I'm entitled to make as many mistakes as everybody else, wear whatever suits my fancy, say my thoughts aloud.I can dance in the middle of the street and NOT care what strangers say. I can skip school whenever I wish to just because I can. I can say "Fuck Mondays" and I will never wait for Friday,it will come to me. 

I'm young,and I wish I wasn't scared. I wish I could admit to my mistakes and just shrug it all off in the end. I get mad at my friends for doing stupid things WITHOUT me. I hate it that time passes by so quickly,that we barely have time to breathe and watch the world around us because we're all so occupied with our own needs.

I'm young, and I'm scared. I'm scared of not being who I want to be. I'm scared of not blending in with the crowd, when all I really want is to stand out. I'm scared of growing old alone,and I can't wait to fall in love again. I'm scared that Christmas will be lonely just because I have no one special to share it with,and seeing happy couples make me jealous,but I say they make me sad,because I can't admit to jealousy. I'm scared that one day,the world will look at me through my very own eyes and see that I really am no one special at all, just a piece of twig wrapped in pretty ribbons. I'm scared that the future isn't as secure as it once seemed. I'm scared that I might find him.My dork with the black framed glasses, dark, messy waves, suspenders and intelligence.

I'm scared that I'm wanting all the right things at the wrong time. 

I'm scared, cause I know this life is mine, but I might never be able to actually own it.

My Happy Ending ♥

I know that nobody's perfect,but this won't stop me from hoping that someday,someone who's perfect for me will come.He will be simple, loving, and a gentleman. He will have a great sense of humor and a tender heart that cares for others, and he will not,by any means, tell a lie just to impress me. Every time I'm with him, I will feel safe and fuzzy inside. We will be good together, and good for each other.

Someday,I will fall in love with the right person,at the right time,and for all the right reasons.And when that happens, I will not get so caught up in him that I will forget all the little things I love about myself, like my long,curly hair, the way I love laughing at the silliest things, and how I love spending some time alone. He will help me achieve my little goals every day (like doing something good for another person's benefit at least once a day, and be able to express myself through the smallest things), and support me in pursuing my grandest,craziest dream: to be a published author of a free style memoir.

I may not run into the person I deserve anytime soon,but that's okay. I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm not in a hurry. I know the Prince Charming kind of guy is out there,and he is also looking for me.And when we do find each other,it will be real and wonderful and magical and just unbelievable. And I will know for sure that the long wait-and maybe even the heartbreaks that came with it-was totally worth it.♥
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And I Know...This Love Grows.

Today has been really good. Really,really good. I went to the movies and saw Till My Heartaches end,which,by the way,I was supposed to see with my sister but she went to school,so meh. I also went grocery shopping and I LOVED it.Believe me,I'm the only one I know who loves buying groceries.

I've never felt prettier than I did (and still do0 today. I don't even know exactly why,I just feel so happy,so contented. I'm in my room now,I've just finished watching Message In A Bottle.It made me cry buckets of tears! It's such a good movie,I almost made it my favorite Nicholas Sparks work,but I think nothing can replace Dear John...yet.

Anyways,so I haven't been blogging lately,eh? I'm not so busy anymore,I admit.I'm just too lazy.HA.I only open my RP Twitter account.I don't even go on Facebook that much anymore.

I'm at some point in my life wherein I don't really know what I want to do or happen. I still remember C,and I always will,but I've moved on.I'm not the suicidal-take-me-with-you kind of girl anymore. I've let go of the thin string that tied him to me so that he'll be at peace,now.

Honestly,though. It's almost Christmas and I can't help but feel so alone at times. I mean sure,I have my family and friends...But I love sharing Christmas with someone special. I want to have a reason to wake up at 3 AM for nine days to complete the midnight mass so I could have my wish.I want to be happy again.I can't wait to fall in love.

I have a little crush on someone now but I don't know if he likes me back.That's quite impossible,I think.Haha. Who am I to even be worthy of five minutes of his time? Tsk tsk. Whataver though. I'm still pretty. Haha!

I've just heard that my *former* best friend and her boyfriend broke up. It doesn't really surprise me,I mean how many times did this happen?One too many. I know I shouldn't even be talking about it anymore,but you see, M, two people might be speaking to each other,but that doesn't necessarily mean that they're having a talk. One might be hearing what the other says,but that doesn't necessarily mean she's listening. Think about it and you'll see where things always go wrong. I just care a lot for the both of you,that's why I'm still hanging on even if you're trying so damn hard to cut me off.

Anyway,enough of that. I'm gonna be bold and honest here and say I miss K. It's just not the same without him,you know?

I only have five days left till school begins again.I'm not even enrolled yet.I just want to get it all over with! I'm so tired of studying and I can't wait to grow old and see how my life unfolds. It's a bit scary,but it all comes soon enough.

No Matter How Difficult Life Is For You,It's Always Harder For Someone Else.

I can't stop crying now. After I have seen an episode of "Failon Ngayon" tonight, which is a regular Saturday evening rpogram here which features people's real life struggles and situations, I realized yet again how lucky I am.

One of their featured stories was about a girl my age, Fe Martinez, if I remember correctly. Like me, she was supposed to graduate from College next semester. Unlike me, she's not going to step on the stage to get her diploma.


Her story,as far as I can recall, goes a little like this: one day she had a headache and she felt numbness in some certain parts of her body (her shins, particularly). I think they were on a school trip or something when she felt that, but when they went home, she didn't tell her parents about it. She just woke up one day and found that she could not stand up anymore.


Her parents brought her to the hospital, but the Doctors said they needed Php 40,000.00 to get her body scanned and tested (MRI or MIR, I suck at medical terms). However, they did not have that money-they were a poor family, they still are, so they had no choice but to bring her back home and nurse her in bed. Huge bed sores grew on her back due to her all time,all day confinement. Her mysterious illness not only took away her freedom. It also wrecked her dreams, her future, her life.

It was the TV program's staff and crew who helped them bring her back to the hospital to get her tested to find out what her illness is. It turned out to be Multiple Sclerosis and her medicines cost Php 20,000.000 EVERY week, and even if they do have the money, which they don't, the medicines are not easy to buy as they are imported,and do not come in regular basis, and the doctors cannot specify until when she has to take them.

What made me cry is the part when Ted Failon asked Fe's mother how she was holding up. Her mother was then shown on screen, aged and wrinkled-in my opinion, she looked far too old to be a 19 year old's mother, but then again, with all the stress and pain she's going through, it was reasonable. So Ted asked, "How is it going for you-taking care of her everyday? It looks like a lot of work..."

To which the woman replied, tearing up, "It's hard, really hard... But I can go through all of this for her. I will suffer for her. I love her."

And then they showed Fe on the screen, saying, "They do not have to speak-even if they don't tell me, I know it's hard for them..."

In a dramatic, slow motion kind of way, her tears fell down and she turned her face away from the camera. I cried.

They later revealed that Fe was a very persevering student. An honor student, in fact, and the Chairman of their Baranggay's Sangguniang Kabataan (Youth Council). This moved me more if that was even possible. It pained me to see such a young fellow crampled in bed, seeking for the best comfort it could offer, while every night, I lay myself in bed, tucked in three layers of fleece and silk and cotton, and I can still find an excuse to complain about my life.

Don't get me wrong- I did not come here to preach nor be a hypocrite. I know I must change my ways but if I am being honest, then I should be completely honest. And to be honest with you, it is not that easy. Change doesn't happen overnight-and I am trying really hard to be good to other people now as much as I can.

I am just here to reflect on how a random person's story touched me. Sure, she's not the only one who's suffering. Everyone suffers in one way or another. It's just that, of all the stories I have come across, it's her story that touched me most. There's the girl, striving for a better life-for a life like mine,possibly,she had the will and the courage to do all she could to achieve it,and then with one swift blow of fate,she was in ruins.

She's too young to go through all of this. I don't know,she really has my sympathy. Because of her, I go even more inspired now to do what I can, while I can, because evidently, nobody knows what might happen tomorrow. Even one slight of hand can change everything, so I decided not to let a single second go to waste.

You know, I've been devoting time trying to make part of the world a better place but I realize now that I have more time in my hands but I spend it doing nonsense for fun. I want to be able to help. I want to help as many as I can without forgetting my own dreams.I wish I could stop sneering at my life when I'm feeling down and just remember that some people always have it worse. We each have our own share of darkness and it is entirely up to us if we let it just pour heavily upon us, or learn to dance in the rain. I choose the latter.

I wish I could just go to her house right now and give her a hug and her Mom and sister, too. They have been doing a really good job in taking care of her. One day I might walk up to her and squeeze her in a hug to show her how much I care. As for now, I am planning to scour the streets in our City in October and hand roses to women and maybe give them a hug or two if they wouldn't mind. I'm going to make them see how beautiful this world is just because of their existence. A mother, a sister, a student, a best friend, a grandmother, a mother in law, a girlfriend, an ex girlfriend, a daughter, a niece-I will make them smile.

You Can Make It Happen.

If you have a dream, then the time to start chasing it is now. Don’t wait until tomorrow. You owe it to yourself to follow your dream.

-Ashley Greene

I don't think I have ever been this determined. Most people know for a fact that what Seann wants,Seann gets. I'm stubborn like that,and it's no secret that once I set my eyes on something,there's no stopping me.

Maybe I'm crazy. Yasmina said I was crazy-I told her all about it and I guess she's right. I'm crazy...I always am. But if there's something I badly want today, right at this very moment, it's this: I want to go to Los Angeles for Breaking Dawn. As plain and simple as that. I want to meet Jackson Rathbone and Ashley Greene at least once in my life, for if I don't, I don't think I'll ever say I have lived. So I decided-I owe it to myself to follow my dream and this is that dream. I am going to act on it and make it happen or at least try.

It sounds impossible,yes? It seems like just yesterday, on my way home from the mall, I was thinking about a certain friend of mine who made a firm decision to move to Los Angeles to pursue her dream of being an actress. I was skeptical, to say the least, because not everyone can have the same fate and luck as Ashley Greene. When you really ponder on it, it's not easy to just pack your bags and go-considering you are a total alien with no place to stay in or a comrade to depend on. I was thinking she was crazy. I have almost forgotten that all the best people are.

I am going to work on this, earn this reward for myself. Honestly, I'm scared. I'm scared of letting this dream just float away with the wind. I'm scared that if I don't try reaching for it, one day, I might regret it...And that's what I hate the most. It would be really awful when I'm old and gray and I look back on this day and see clearly where I went wrong. I do not want that to happen.

I'm not sure,of course, if I could make it happen. What with all the fuss and effort I have to make,like getting a passport and a US Visa, and an authentic NSO Birth Certificate, the least of my worries are the plane tickets. But as I have said, I am too determined to back out now.Not now,not when I have seen a glimpse of hope that tells me I can. I can. I just have to work on it.

I have always been a dreamer. Regrets are the most painful part of my life,and each regret pinches my heart a little too painfully, to the point where I begin promising myself that whenever I have a dream, I will at least try and do my best to achieve it, and leave out all the rest to Him. That way, it wouldn't hurt when I think about it, because I have done my part. I could tell myself that it is not my fault anymore,it just really isn't meant to be.

As for now, it feels like there's a fire blazing in my heart. It's all I can think about. It's like I have seen what life is all about-it's all about chasing your dreams and making them come true. It's about having that one great purpose, that one great passion that will make you say your life is complete once it happens. Why, Ashley Greene was seventeen when she moved to LA to pursue her dream. She waited long enough before it happened but look where she is now. If she sat around their house in Florida,would she have been cast as Alice Cullen? Probably not. She worked hard for her dreams to come true, and that is what I will do.

Because when you have nothing, you have nothing to lose.

Every Flower Has The Right To Be Called Beautiful.

Yesterday, I made an avatar in Ameba Pico. It's a virtual world game in Facebook where you get to decorate your own place and interact with other players from all over the world.

When creating my avatar,you have like,tons of choices on how you want your Pico to look like.You get to choose the skin color,eyes,hair,make up,and so on.

I've seen my friends' avatars before.They were all pale or creamy skin with blond hair and beautiful blue eyes. For a change,I chose the darkest skin tone for my avatar. I also gave her black hair and black eyes. Guess what? She looked so pretty. :')

Anyway,my point is that I still don't understand why anyone would make a girl feel like she's not beautiful. Every girl is beautiful,in one way or another. That's what I believe in, that's why when I feel like pigging out on cakes or ice cream or chocolates when I'm feeling down and my friends don't want to go with me,I hate it. I hate it that they feel like they have to deprive themselves of something they truly deserve.

Now,don't get me wrong.I also feel "fat" and "ugly" sometimes,in fact, I was on my way home yesterday and I caught a glimpse of myself on the mirror and noticed that I gained weight. I passed a gym by the road and was thinking of signing up,but then again, I stood in front of a glass wall to check myself out. My hair was all messed up and my lip gloss was smudged,giving me that slight frown and my uniform was wrinkled.It was true,my stomach was sticking out a little,and I was starting to feel depressed. I decided I would start a diet but as soon as I did, my tummy came rumbling. I realized I haven't eaten breakfast or lunch. Immediately, I went to 7 Eleven and bought doughnuts and Coke. I forgot about the diet thing.

You know,there's nothing wrong with avoiding chocolates and pastries as long as it's all for the right reasons. But if your reason is "it makes me fat", that is not reason enough. If there is one thing that can cure a broken heart, that will be those sweets that you are trying so hard to ignore. I just want to say relax. Give in. You deserve that chocolate bar or that bag of chips every once in a while.

I don't even know why people like looking so much on the outside when there's more to see on the inside. Maybe that is human nature,but you know,no matter how physically attractive you are,if you have a rotten attitude and all you do is step on other people's feet just so you could stand taller,you are nothing but an empty box wrapped in fancy paper.

I know this may sound like a cliche,but let's face it.Most cliches speak the truth. I,for one,look past all the expensive make up and porcelain skin.No matter who or what you are-a mother,grandmother, student, vendor, nurse, teacher, plain housewife, bank teller, writer, laundry woman, household helper- as long as you have a heart that cares not only for yourself,but for your fellows, you are beautiful.

Today, I woke up with this one realization. This one phrase that I have been denying myself for God knows how long...

I am beautiful, yes I am. And YOU are,too.

I Look Deep In My Eyes...I've Never Felt So Alone.

So here's the thing, I came here to vent about my life,how sad and lonely and miserable I am. Now, I can't remember what I wanted to say earlier.

Anyway,the skies were really pretty today. It was cloudy and gray,mostly, but on my way home,the silhouettes of the mountains bordered the river view. It was sunset, part of the skies were pink and orange and teal, and then the mountains were just shadowy shades of blue. Lovely. Very.

I'm proud to say I'm slowly retreating out of my shell again,you know?Although sometimes it's still so hard,like when I'm happy,then I will remember him,then I will feel guilty for being happy. I scold myself,asking WHY ARE YOU HAPPY,YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY. I don't know.

I'm very  thankful that I have my friends who never get tired of me.If not for them,I would have given up a long time ago.It just proves that I am lucky,in spite of all this sh*t that I am going through.

Anyway,I have some reason to be happy now.All's fine again with me and my Mom, and my grandma isn't mad about it like I thought she would be.Sometimes,people have to remind me how kind hearted my grandmother is.She deserves more than I give her credit for.

School's draining all the energy out of me.I swear I'm not going to live until graduation if we keep up with this crazy schedule.I sleep mostly at 2 or 3 am and wake up SO early.I feel like a zombie.Sometimes I find myself drifting off to sleep at the most random places/moments/situations.

I'm a bit disappointed cause I was supposed to go to Trinoma on the 22nd (Sunday) to meet up with Mainia and Ate Li to watch Vampires Suck, but Mainia found out that it wouldn't hit Philippine theaters until the 25th,so we moved the date to the 29th. Big sigh. My clothes were pressed,folded, and hung already,and now they'll be sitting on my closet for another week.I was so excited for that trip.

Lastly,I'm going crazy looking for gray boots right now. I am downright obsessed but they are so expensive and if I ordered now,it would take them until October to arrive.I cannot wait that long!I need to have those gray boots NOW.

Because I had a dream that I met Ashley Greene while I was wearing gray boots.I know,I know I'm crazy...I'm just chasing my dream. What have I got to lose,anyway? Plus I have always wondered what I would look like with boots on.

So you see,I feel lighter now than I have ever been in the past few posts.It feels so good to just lie on my own bed and think about stuff and have a good cry. I guess someday I will move on and smile completely without feeling guilty. Just not now.Not yet..

Cause The Last Time I Felt Like This,I Was Falling In Love...

I'm just so freaking tired tonight.I wanna sleep!

Have you ever had that one person you could tell anything to,and would never judge you in any way?I do now,and I feel so blessed.

I just got an e-mail from Yasmina,my best friend online.I will change that "best friend online" stuff someday,I swear. She'd be more than that to me,I mean we'll be best friends in reality.Best friends who meet and talk and stuff,not behind computer screens.This I promise myself.

Anyway,so yeah I got an e-mail from her and I'm now as lonely as she said she felt like she made me feel.Haha try to figure that sentence out.Well,I was not SO miserable these past few days,but she kind of feels guilty for not being always here to talk.It's fine though,I know she has to live her own life every once in a while.And I am busy too.

I think we're fine.We're never the type of best friends who talk everyday on Twitter and stuff,and that's what makes us special.We never run out of things to talk about when we do talk.We prefer e-mails,anyway. We're cool like that.

Okay,enough of that.I'm actually going to study tonight,then,after our classes tomorrow,I'll be having a road trip with my friends in motorbikes.Yep,with C,of course.Now...Have you read Sexy Pool Boy? haha..Just kidding.

I wanna see The Inception.I've seen Cinco and it was creepy.It won't get out of my head.Creepy and gory,to be honest.I had to try my best to not throw up in the cinema.Thankfully,I succeeded.Note to self: never watch a horror movie alone,you fool.

I don't know how I am feeling right now.I'm really confused...Because love is a strange thing,you know?I don't quite know if it's safe to call it love cause I might be wrong...And I'm really,really scared.Maybe I shouldn't worry about it too much,but I can't help it.What if this is the chance I have been waiting for,and then I just let it pass?Agggh.I simply don't understand myself.

But last night,I was fully awake when I was supposed to be sleeping,just thinking about it.Smiling. Under my blanket. This is so weird...

The Wait

I'll be back, you said. That was all I really needed to hear.

For years,I sat by the window,waiting for your return. I watched the raindrops splash into the glowing pavement, and chased butterflies in the garden during the Summer.

Wishing you were there to hold me close,like you always used to do.

Not a day passed by that somehow,at some point,I did not think about you.

Why can't I just go with you? I asked,my eyes were rubbed out,swelling,as I cried for you.

I cried for you...

Your old gray shirt somehow comforted me.I wore it at night,when there were thunderstorms and I was much too terrified to sit by the window and wait.

I cuddled with your shirt,inhaling your scent that was barely there.Sometimes,I inhaled so deeply that I ran out of breath,desperately trying to catch the fragrance and hold it in my lungs.It was the only way I could hold you in me.

When I celebrated my birthday,I looked myself in the mirror and somehow found that I was not the girl I used to be.Everything has changed,but my feelings for you remained the same.Untouched,unfathomable. I whispered Happy Birthday to myself, concentrating hard on mimicking your voice to perfection,so that I would feel that you were there,celebrating with me.

When times were tougher,I would lock myself up in my room and just whisper your name.I talked to you like you were always with me,like you were never gone at all.I told you about my days,about my wait,my patience,and my faith that one day you would walk through that door again,and I would be there,throwing my arms around you,and you would know how much I have missed you.

I hugged myself in bed,and I never forgot to say my good night to you,like a prayer,before I go to sleep. I once stayed awake all night,awaiting your return,staring at the ceiling,projecting virtual memories of the times I spent with you.I was so into it that when the bubble showed you turning your back from me,I began to sob and plead.

Don't walk away. Don't leave me again...

 And I woke up to the sound of the chirping birds and passing cars,and I hugged my pillow tight because it was the only thing I could do back then,because you were not there.

You were never there.

Last night,I set the table for dinner,turned off all the lights and lit a candle.The table was filled with your favorite food; there were roses and daffodils in cut glass bowls around me. I set two plates across each other on the table,and poured wine on the glasses.The sound of it touching the bottom of the glass was almost intoxicating.I felt your presence,and I knew,I just knew,that you'd be dining with me.

And so I put on my best smile and tried not to cry.

Happy Birthday,Mom. I whispered into the dark, and right at that moment, nineteen years didn't seem too long a wait.It was worth it.

Because for once,you were back,and your voice that I heard,saying that you loved me, was not a product of my imagination anymore.

It was real,and you were,too.

I hugged the telephone before putting it back on its cradle,trying my hardest to capture that moment forever.With my eyes closed,I held on to the last flimsy strand of hope that maybe you thought about me as much as I thought about you while the distance between our feet lingered.Maybe I had you beside me all along...

Don't go,I sobbed when you said goodbye.

On the other line,I heard you sigh. I'll be back.

And that was all I really needed to hear.

Ashleyholics Anonymous: We Love Choco Drinks!

RANI NUGROS

My queen..I have a confession to make.I have a crush on your brother. :D

Rani, you have made an impact in my life. A bad impact,to be exact. Mehehe!

I don't know what to say.Can I start by saying I love you? Well then...I love you.

I love you and the passion we share for Ashley Greene.Seriously,Rani,if I could find away to be with her,I will send you there instead of myself.I think you,more than anyone else,deserves that.

And even when you are always teasing me,I know that's just your way of showing that you love me. Bleh. Bleh. I love you too,Rani.More than you could ever imagine. I love you and the way I sing Rani to the tune of Beat It. And most importantly,I love you for being you.

My first tweet to you was "we love the same girl", now,when I think about it,I laugh at myself cause I sounded like an idiot,which I probably was,anyway.I was just surprised to see so many Ashley fans back then,because before that,I was by myself.

I know all of your dreams will come true if you work hard enough to achieve them.I have complete and unmovable (is that even a word?) faith in you,Rani. I know one day,you will make us proud.

I LOVE YOU,never ever change.

~SEANN <3

LESLIE KORALEWSKI

Mi bonita... I miss you so terribly. :(

Leslie...I don't know how we got this close.All I know is that you are now listed on my Facebook as a sister,and damn if it did not make me happy. To me,it's more than Facebook.We may not have the same blood running through our veins, but in my heart,you are,and will always be,my sister.

Sometimes yo call me Mom cause I act like one.Truth is,I am overprotective of you because I worry about you.It's the least I can do to show you that you are loved and cared for,and that you have a true friend in me even if I am miles away from you.

You are beautiful,remember that,okay?And if something upsets you,I am just here.You can tell me all about it and we will find a way to fix what is broken.

I love you,and you are worth everything to me,my little sister.

Six Billion Secrets. I Have Two. What's Yours?

*click to enlarge*

Two of these posts are mine. Can you guess which of these are submitted by yours truly?

And can you state the reason why? Haha... State it on the comments section. :P

That's all for today. :)

If You Knew How Happy You Are Making Me...I Never Thought That I'd Love Anyone So Much...

Don't you find it funny or strange when a certain scent, song, color, or thing remind you of someone?

To me,it is like an imprint. That certain something will always be attached to someone's name, and wherever, whenever, whatever I am doing, when that thing presents itself to me,I will always remember the person.

It's july already. I can't believe how fast time passes by nowadays. You go to bed one summer night, and then you'll wake up and find that another year has gone. It's rainy season again, and just as the rain waters flood the streets, memories and dreams flood my mind.

The rain will always remind me of my dream life in the future. I may be high maintenance at times, but I will always remain a simple girl at heart. When it rains, I envision myself relaxing in my own home, curled up in a sofa positioned beside the window,just watching the raindrops fall, listening to the thunder roll, a cup of warm chocolate in hand, jazz music playing on the background.

I never wanted a huge house. I dream of a small but decent one, three bedrooms, a nice kitchen, soft beige colored walls, a roll of thick carpeting and oriental rugs on the floor.I want a front porch painted in immaculate white,with two lounge chairs perfect for viewing the stars at night.I want a huge garden, a really huge one where I can grow different breeds of roses and orchids, and dandelions.I want warm and dim garden lamps installed,and a willow tree in the back yard to serve as shade when it's barbecue weekend.

I want a stable job that would not require me to go abroad and stay away from my loved ones. I may want to have my own charitable organization someday. I want a car--not a fancy one, but perhaps a Toyota RAV4, Fortuner, or Yaris, or maybe a Honda Jazz or a Nissan Monterosport, a Hyundai Santa Fe, or, if I am lucky enough, a Ford Expedition. I really don't care about details, so long as it is a family car. A white family car.

Above all these, I dream of going home to a delicious smelling dinner made by the man of my dreams. He would serve it on the table, with thin white smoke still steaming from the bowl of rice. He would ask me how my day has been, and in the mornings I would knot his tie and kiss him goodbye before we leave for work. He would drive a bubbly little girl to and from school, and she would sit on his lap at home, her brunette curls reaching her shoulders, and together we would teach her how to draw a star. At night, we would make the time to say goodnight to her, and read to her about Cinderella or Snow White.

And as time progresses we would sometimes fall,but would help each other back up all the time. We would have our own share of misunderstandings, but we would always sort it out. We would watch our children grow, and walk them down the aisle, tearing up every time.

Eventually, we would sit on the porch, hand in hand, in perfect silence. We would look at each other and smile, and when it rains, we would always remember that it all began with a dream.

Now I See What Love Means...

Dear Ashley Greene, I love you. That's all I really know.

Today, paparazzi photos of Ashley Greene kissing a guy (I don't know him) came out on the web. Initial reaction: Noooooooo. This can't be. When I know for a fact it it definitely CAN be.

I have always been a Greenebone fan. That's Ashley Greene and Jackson Rathbone, by the way, but ever since, I have loved Ashley Greene more than Jay. My friends know that. I will always go for Ashley.

With this issue now circulating all over the web, I know some people will judge her for the choices she is making. I can only say one thing to that: she, just like the rest of us, is just human. She has a heart that beats, and no matter what we all say or do, that heart is responsible for her decisions, and we cannot demand her to do what we expect her to do, nor can we change the path that she chooses to take.

Sometimes, it's so easy to be devoted in something or someone and feel as if the things they do that we do not like are wrong. We should all understand that they have their own lives apart from the glitz and the glamor, and that we have to respect it. It's easy to say she has forgotten about our feelings by doing this, but I'm sure she didn't. Ash would never dream of doing something in purpose to hurt her fans. She just followed her heart. She just made a decision for herself, and because we love her, we should at least understand that.

So you see, I am torn between a part of me that wants to be happy because she is happy, and a part of me that wants to be happy because they (Ashley and Jackson) make me happy. But I have learned today that love is not always getting your own happiness. When you are in love, you have to make some sacrifices to make both ends meet. I love Ashley, and I do not condemn or judge her for doing what makes her happy. In a way,I even look up to her for being brave and just doing things her way.

If you will ask me right now, then yes, I am sad and upset, and maybe even disappointed because all this time I have been living with my head in the clouds, assuming she and Jackson are finally getting somewhere. But no matter what this is all about, one thing is for sure: I love her, and nothing will ever change that. If she goes to hell and back, you will surely find me behind her, full support.

Love means giving whatever it takes to secure your loved one's happiness, even if it means forgetting your own.

He Didn't Tell Me How To Live; he Lived, And Let Me Watch Him Do It.

A father is always making his baby into a little woman.  And when she is a woman he turns her back again.  ~Enid Bagnold

This is just depressing. I don't know why I can't let it all go completely without chasing after it... Without chasing after him...

Everybody says it's okay, that's life... But it's easy for them to say that I have to move on because the have no idea how painful it is to lose a father. After all, they still have theirs.

I can't help but be jealous when I see my classmates being driven to school by their Dads, because I've never had that experience. When wedding bells ring and a bride walks down the aisle, arms linked with her Dad's, it pushes me on the verge of crying... Because I will never experience that. I may be able to ask the orchestra to play Dance With My Father or Butterfly Kisses, things like this can be faked, but not the emotions I would feel when I'm dancing, twirling in some other man's arms.

No one can replace my father. It hurts me when people nudge me and whisper "there goes your new Dad" then point to my Mom's new man. It makes me cringe. How can they be so heartless, so insensitive about my feelings? Aren't they aware of the weeping thirteen year old hidden beneath my grown up facade? Because I, I can feel her presence inside me. She is grieving, even until now, and I guess she always will. My hair might have grown longer, my limbs taller, my body leaner, but deep inside, emotionally, I have never really grown. I'm still that thirteen year old, caged in my emotions, dealing with my mourn alone. Because seven years canot erase the fact that I'm blaming myself for this horrific loss that our family has gone through.

No one really speaks about him at home. When someone does, it is indirect and casual, as if they are talking about an old television set, or something that passed naturally. I don't think I need to analyze why; it's pretty clear. No one can talk about him and the things he did in the past, because no one can laugh about it. Because saying "he used to" would confirm everything. It would knock on our heads and deliver a mail saying he really is gone. And we don't want that to happen. For us, he lives on. We may not be the type of family who still sets a plate in the dining table for him, but we are living in a delicate bubble where all we do is smile and dream and convince ourselves that he is alive, and that's what helps us get through each day.

I cannot, and might never grasp the fact that he is completely gone. In my heart, he is alive. In my heart, it is always June 20, 2003, a day before his accident. A day where he was at home, helping my aunts rearrange the funiture while I was curled up in a ball in the sofa, reading Frances Hodgson Burnett's The Secret Garden. It was the last time we ate lunch together, and after that day, nothing stayed the same. Ever since he was gone, there's an aching hollow in my chest, an empty seat in the dining table, a gap in the family that used to form a perfect circle.

Ironically, the last perfect day of my life reaches its seventh anniversary today, June 20, 2010. And it's Fathers Day.

Find Me Again

Good evening...

Half an hour ago, I decided to turn in early as I am not feeling well. But the moment I closed my eyes, this line just popped into my mind, out of nowhere. That is FIND ME AGAIN.

I don't know where I got it. Maybe I've been watching too much Korean dramas or reading way too many romance novels (I love you, Nicholas Sparks), but either way, it lead me to this realization, that once in my life, someone found me. I was astray, but he lead me home. I tried to ignore this inkling feeling to write, believe me, I did, I even made a compromise with myself, that I will blog it down first thing tomorrow morning, just not now cause I'm really tired, spent, wasted.... Whatever you want to call it. But here I am. I ended up sighing and giving in, because if I let these emotions go, they might not be the same tomorrow. That was one thing I learned from him.

Back to those days, when I was young and naive (I still am, but I improved a little. Or maybe that's what I like to think.), I was a crumpled piece of paper. There's this someone who kept on shaping and misshaping me as he pleased, trying to make me be who he wanted me to be. As I have said, I was young and naive, maybe even stupid,  and I thought I was in love so I let him dictate where my life should be headed, because when you love someone, you feel happy even with the slightest glance. Even when he treats you like crap.

It was not a good relationship, and after my heart broke enough, he threw me away like trash. Now, looking back, I feel like if I had been there watching my stupidity, I would have slapped my younger self in the face and tell her that love is not as simple as I made it out to be.

That was when the other one found me. You see, after I was thrown, carried away by the wind, he picked me up and told me that I was worth so much more. We met in April, and until now, thinking of it, what we had was what you would call a summer fling. There were problems that lay along the way, but when you feel the way I felt about him, I swear you would have no fears too, like I didn't. I was secure.

We began hanging out on May 6, this I clearly remember, because the excitement of dating for real for the first time rendered me sleepless for a few nights. He was kind hearted and easy to talk to, and believe it or not, I fell for him every single day. He had the ability to make me believe that I was somehow beautiful, and he didn't just say it; he showed it, too.

He was my first love, and when I told him that I loved him, I meant it more than I let him see. I did everything for him, like he did everything for me, and everything felt so perfect. I was literally sitting atop a cloud those day, those few months that I was with him. But what we had-it was never official.It was something special that only we could see, and we were a couple, but what kind of couple, I couldn't tell. All I knew was that I loved him, and I was living in a bubble where he was a Prince, and I was a Princess, and every love song ever made was written for the two of us.

What I didn't know was that bubbles tend to pop easily. One innocent argument grew to be two, until they multiplied before my very eyes, and one day, I woke up by reality's side. It was the 6th of August when he said goodbye. Again, this I clearly remember, because it was a beautiful and rainy afternoon, just two days before our Acquaintance Party. I was on my way home when he told me that he didn't feel the same for me anymore, just when I was about to apologize for not letting my real emotions flood through. It was the worst day of my life, my lips were quivering, and all I wanted to do was cry, but I couldn't, because I was on a passenger jeepney.

It took me more than a year to get over him. Not completely, because on the back of my mind I know that once I love someone, there's no turning back. No matter how much pain I've gone through because of them, there will still be a little space in my heart where they would reside forever. It was not easy, the first few months that I tried living without him. I forced myself to forget immediately, but because it was all so special, it was not easy. It was never easy, it never would be.

The day after he walked out of my life was the hardest. I woke up pinching myself, hoping it was all a dream, and it wasn't. And I was almost suicidal. My days were like an empty pit, and as time flew by, it got more hollow and it seemed to get darker. It was embarrassing to sit in a corner in my classroom and cry, with my classmates thinking they did something that upset me, but I did anyway. There was this one guy in school who had the same name as his, and I swear every single time he walked by and his mates called him, my head would jerk up automatically in response, hoping against hope that it was the guy I was longing for.

If all the love songs seemed to be written for us when we were together, all the heartbreak songs tore my heart a little bit more as I struggled to continue living without him. I used to have sleepless nights thinking what might have happened if he knew how strongly I felt for him. I used to regret not saying all the words that I kept within me, when they could have been my saving grace. My friends would always look at me with pity back then, because all they could read in my eyes was sorrow. They were puffy and red, and I was tired.

It took me so long to partially realize that our destinies were etched in the stars, and that stars have the tendency to explode and fall. I wrote my first name with his last, now, I don't have any idea where I put the paper.

Still, there are times when I'd stare at the stars and make a wish for someone I deserve to find me again...

Dreaming of Falling...

I just feel like I'm the loneliest girl today. *sigh* I don't want to bore you with my stories about days like this, but what else can I do? I need to blog to get this all off my head if only for a good ten minutes or so.

First of all, I really miss you, Louise and Vicky. You know, we keep denying to ourselves the fact that we have somehow grown apart... But it's not hard to see that we have. Or maybe it's just me that grew apart from the both of you. Well, whatever, really. Either way, we're not as bonded as we used to be. We used to be so eager to talk. I don't know what happened, but whatever it is, I love you. I do. And every single minute, it hurts to think that maybe I'll only be with you in dreams. I live in the Philippines, but part of my home, you bring with you wherever you are.

I miss Rani, too. Our random Twitter conversations with Leslie always pick me up. She's busy with studies though, so I totally understand that. I'm looking forward to talking to her again soon.

And then there's this uneasy feeling. I feel sick. They say I might have chicken pox any minute now, and I'm really scared because pain is the greatest of my fears. School's approaching, and how will I go to school if I'm sick? I don't want to be absent on our first week, cause then when I'm able to attend on the second week, everyone is already friends and I'd be left out like some kind of a freak.

I want to skip the next five years of my life, to be honest. I just want to fast forward and see what I'd be like after all these years. I want to have a regular job already. I want to go out of the country and see if the rain is just as chilly there as it is here. Mundane things like these keep me going. Sometimes, I feel like stopping everything altogether and just don't move, but somehow I keep pushing through. For reasons even reason can't find.

Even The Song Lyrics Don't Fit

Good morning. :)

It's 7 am, and I'm thinking about the future. My future. Sometimes, it scares me.

I have regrets and fears inside me. They are buried so deep that even songs can't describe them for me to explain or help you vizualize them. My dreams, my goals, my life in ten years.... What would it be like?

I'm not really sure what I want now. I think the problem is I want to be too many (people) at a time. I want to be a pastry chef and a bartender. At the same time, I want to have my own restaurant or hotel...But I don't want to start at the lowest point. See? I want to take the stairs two steps at a time, and I don't think that would get me somewhere, cause I'm not sure what I want to do with my life.

I think I'm just being pressured, being senior and all. I really hope I pass all my subjects this year. I don't know...I feel like I can't endure them. I just want to get this all over with, once and for all, cause people are counting on me.

Sometimes it feels good to slack off cause I need a break too, but it's just so easy to throw away everything when it's ONLY my future that's at stake. Now, thinking of my family's future prevents me from falling to the sides. They put their whole trust on me. I might as well be grateful and give them what they deserve.

I hope all my dreams come true, but I think I have so little time to even prepare myself for the onslaught on the way. Finding a job is hard enough. Finding a good paying job is an endless hunt. I'll strive to be the best, not for myself, but for the sake of all the people tapping my back in pride.

Hello future, ready for me?

Dancing Along The Lines

There's something about the rain...

I spent a lot of time being miserable. It's like misery is an old friend. It tricks us sometimes into thinking that it's always going to be there, that we can't be happy. But we can. We can walk away from pain. And I think the best way to do that is to believe in ourselves that we are somehow worth something. It's not important to be everything, you know. Being something alone is quite an achievement.

Do you know why we become miserable? I think it's because we are always not contented with what we have. We always strive to have more, to be more. Greed consumes humanity... I should know. I myself can be selfish at times.

It is not a secret how I love shopping and owning fancy things. I think we all have that in us. Problem is, the more I have, the more I want. Having a burning passion for something sometimes ends up to a competition, if not with one's self, with others who share the same passion. It can be dangerous because as human beings, we have this drive to prove to everybody that no one else is better. Why, I really don't know, perhaps because of the promise that succes comes with people looking up to you because you have something they want or need. That's human nature.

It might be hard to understand, but I believe all this roots from one simple thing-our desire to be admired, to have somewhere to belong, to have someone believe in us, look at us and never look away. I really can't generalize, I can only speak for myself, and it's true that having someone's entire attention focused on me is flattering. It's so good that I might even go as far as saying basking in someone's attention is like dancing in the rain. It makes me giddy, happy, and free to be me.

Sometimes, I just need someone to be there for me. I need to go to someone just to hear them say I'm beautiful, cause it makes me feel better. But sometimes, no matter how many times they call me beautiful, I don't want to hear it....unless it's from him. <3