I've Lost Myself....And Something More

I think I need to find myself.

I've changed a lot,and people are starting to notice,especially my friends.
I don't know how,where,or when it all began...But I've definitely lost my old self,and I want it back.Not because nobody likes the new me...But because I don't like how I turned out to be.

I could not care less if people don't like me or my attitude.It is not my job to please them in the first place.Of course,nasty comments hurt but why would I let their words bring me down?After all,I live in a world where I bend and mold words.I can change them and turn them into something good,whatever bad they say.

When I deal with these people whose ideas of having a life is to bring a girl down,I just remind myself that if there is someone who knows me best,that someone is me.I live,eat,laugh,talk,and sleep with myself every single second of the day,so why would I care what they say?If it would not make me feel better,I'd let it enter one ear,then exit the other.That way,they'd never win,and words would never betray me.

As for the change in me that I hate...My friends seem to hate it too.I think it drove some of them away.I know I must be sad and wallowing,but I am not.I just figured out who my real friends are.Now I know who among them only loves me when I'm sunny and bubbly,and who stays even when I am moody and pessimistic.I will bring back my old self,but I don't think the eliminated friendships will ever find their way back to my heart.

When trust is broken,even if you kill yourself trying to fix it,it will never be the same.

Different Paths,Same Star For A Guide

I've just read Lauren's blog, which inspired me to write.I have no plans at all in blogging tonight,since I have posted more than enough entries for today,but this thing is just so petty that I have to point out how ridiculous it is to me.

We all have our own religious beliefs,opinions,and preferences,because we are each entitled to one.She is Jewish,I am Catholic,and Rani,a friend of mine,is a Muslim.What's wrong with that?What's wrong with being a Jew?What's wrong with being Muslim,or Catholic,or whichever religion there is?

Until now,I still find it very useless to start an argument about these differences in religions.It's just like racism.What's wrong with being Asian or American,black,or white?Why do we always limit ourselves to these thin borderlines when we could doubtlessly cross it and broaden our purpose in living?It's sad.And pathetic.

I can't believe how people manage to be so mean to each other.After all,what really matters is that we believe that there is someone up there,right?Whether you call him Jesus, God,Allah...I think what's really important is that we have faith in whoever He is,in whatever we conceive Him to be.Am I wrong?

Please...Let us begin with ourselves.Stop acting like we are superior over someone.We are all created equally.He,in the heavens,loves us all equally,no matter what we believe in.We don't have any right to tell someone that our religion or race is better,because if we just look past these differences,we are all human.We have the same human rights.We live in the same planet.We pass by each other everyday.And believe it or not,without each other,we would never survive.

P.S.
Lauren,don't mind them.We really can't please everybody.I do believe you are a great person.

Puddles of Joy

Okayyy so hello again! I'm back to blog about my day for the second time.And to...well,to tell you that my day isn't really that ordinary.Funny how in five minutes you're all depressed and pissy,and the next moment you're absolutely happy again.

I had a nice bath time with my sister and our neighbors' children.Haha ;) I'm a kid at heart,that much you could say.I set up the water hose and connected it to the faucet in the laundry space,and then I dragged the hose outside,and the fun began.

I was the masterrrrrr!!!I sprinkled my playmates with lotsa waterrrrrr while singing along to Taylor Swift's Love Story and Stay Beautiful. We chased each other around the neighborhood,people stared of course...But I really couldn't care less.

We played around for about an hour or so,until the concrete pavement in front of our house was flooded.We then stomped on puddles of water,and call me a loser if you must,but I have never been happier. ;)

I'm now back here in my room,blogging,of course,but not without a smile on my face.God never fails to remind me how beautiful life can be if I just keep looking on the brighter side. ;)

Tomorrow, we're going to the beach.I'm looking forward to it,as well as our trip to the burger stand later. ^^

It's Just Another Day

Today, April 4, 2010, is a typical day. It's Easter Sunday though,but does that really make any difference?

Everyone on Twitter keeps talking about chocolates and egg hunts.Well?I've got none of those,cause here in the Philippines,you go egg hunting only if you're rich.To ordinary people like my family,that's just out of the question.

What I'm doing now is this...I'm on Google,looking for great pictures to use with this blog.Interesting eh?Yesssss.I could go on living like this forever, cause I'm one lazy arse baby!

So far I've saved up some good shots of sunsets, of course, and bubbles. I am now looking for forever..I mean,looking for photos that depict forever but I can't seem to find a good one yet.Forever is really hard to find,I guess.

And...because of this Easter chocolate thingy people keep talking about,I am now craving for chocolates...Okay,okay,I'll admit it.Not chocolates...Oreos,but hey!That's close. Chocolates and Oreos are distant cousins.I think I hafta get out of bed and actually buy a pack.Of Oreos,I mean...and Coke,of course.

Okay I'm blabbering.Anyway,last night I had a great talk with Vicky on MSN.We were bashing someone's FanFiction about Mega Bloody Pork Adobo or something.I can't remember it but it was really hilarious--not in a good way.I'm not saying I'm a good writer but hale yeah,I think I can write better than that if I try.Heehee and the girl repelled Vicky's proposal of rewriting her story. "I don't need your help,bitch."

Told yah Vickeh! Hahaha let us mind our own businesses.

That's it for now.I suck at making diary entries. >.<

Betrayed by Yesterday

It's funny how we think someone's perfect when we're in love.We see past the flaws,we try hard to believe every single lie.And when it's over,that's when we'll find ourselves asking "Why did I ever love him?".

I guess what they say about love being blind is true.

There was this one time when I was so in love with this person (who,after reading this,will probably assume that I wrote about him;he is that self centered) that I did not even notice how I was losing myself piece by piece in the process.The thing is,when you are (I am) in love,you put yourself last in your line of priorities.It's always the other person's feelings and views and needs that matter first.What you don't know is that while you were busy trying hard to be what he wanted you to be,the real you was falling slowly apart.

We will never realize how blinded love has made us until it is actually over.It's like a mural.You will only see the bigger picture once you take a step back as if you are actually watching it from a distance.Only then will you see what was really happening while you were unaware,poking your head in the love clouds.

As for me,I feel like yesterday betrayed me.I know though,that it really wasn't the past's fault,but it was that girl who used to be me's fault.That was my yesterday.I hate it that she let herself be changed,therefore here I am now,feeling bad for my naivety.

I would never regret falling in love...But I would always feel bad for falling in love with the wrong person,at the wrong time.

I'm Alive!

Good Morning :)

I woke up this morning with a terrible pain on the left side of my stomach. I've always been feeling that--but this morning it was different. I felt paralyzed, because everytime I move, it hurts.For the first time, it scared me.

I'm scared of death, I mean, everybody is, of course, but I've never felt like this my whole life. I felt so close to death (well, maybe it is an overstatement, but still..), I was thinking, what if I die here alone?

So while I was dramatically waiting for my last breath, I was thinking: have I done everything I want to do?Have I lived my life to the fullest?Who will cry when I'm gone?Things like these...they matter to me.

I eventually fell asleep and woke up after two hours,feeling well again,but cautious.Ridiculous,but yes,I checked if I was still alive,which I clearly am.What I did first was thank God for no letting me die alone and helpless here, and then, I made a list of the things to do before I die. Here it is:

1. Go to Paris
2. Meet Ashley Greene/Jackson Rathbone
3. Marry, and have kids
4. Have my dream house built
5. Go to Sanrio Puroland!!
6. Shop till I drop.

That's all I could think f for now. I will be updating this list as soon as I can. ;) Today, I've learned not to take even the smallest things for granted.You never know when they will be gone...

Rewind

There will always be that one day,that one single moment,when you wish you could go back to the past and change something...There'd be times we wish we could pick up the remote control and press rewind,and that it would actually bring back those days we've lost.

Honestly, letting go is not my thing.I guess I've made myself clear enough in my past posts that I'm not that good in forgetting the past,especially the times that meant the most to me.

When you lose someone that you truly cared for,it leaves an aching wound in your heart.It will take days,weeks,months before it would heal,but there will always be that scar.It will never be the same,and it will hurt,time and time again.

I've experienced this pain quite a lot of times.I've been in and out of relationships,good and bad.They burned me,that much I could say.I was like a candle back then,and everytime I let go,everytime I cried,I gave a piece of myself away,until one day,I was a total wreckage.I did not recognize who I was when I looked into myself.

What I've learned from these past experiences is that life is like playing the piano.You wouldn't always get the right notes,but you should try,until you play the perfect melody,and always play from the heart.As for my life back then,perhaps I wanted to play a perfect piece,that's why I kept using the same notes.I refused to accept that the keys I used did not fit to a perfect harmony,so I ended up playing an ugly tune.

How I wish I could go back to those days I was naive,and tell myself that I was worth so much more than being a guy's pastime,crying shoulder,trophy girlfriend.

I wish I could go back to those days I was head over heels in love with that someone who was more than a friend but less than a lover,and warn myself that it will all be over sooner than I expected.


I wish I could go back to those days I was blind,and tell myself that I deserved to be trusted,and I had the right to fly,before he could ever set my wings on fire.



I wish I could go back to those days I was strong willed,and point the lack of assurances to myself,I could have saved that girl that was me from a lot of unnecessary pain.

On the other hand,if a fairy godmother appears and hands me that remote control to life,I would never press pause to freeze myself into a magical moment forever,for I want to know how to truly live and make each moment,even the most awkward one,magical.

I would never press fast forward to go see the future,for I want to see each coming day as a gift that I am about to open.A little surprise is always nice.

I would never press rewind to go back and change anything in my past,for surely,those things that happened,good or bad,were the reasons why I became who I am right now.

Instead, I would press the record button...so that I could store all the scenes in my memory, and one day, when I am old and wise,i could press play,and see my life flash before me.All the mistakes I made,all the laughter and tears,all the friends I had,my winning and losing moments,my kick-ass decisions and indecision, my silly games--they will all be laid before my very own eyes...

When that day comes,I know I would nod,smile to myself and whisper as I close my eyes, it was all worth it...

Hello,My Name Is...Tranquil

Today has been very peaceful and unproductive.This is a day I enjoyed.It was quiet and calm...except for the hot weather.

I was sleeping in bed until 10:47, I know it was the exact time I opened my eyes, because I looked at my cellphone first thing.The scorching heat awoke me.I was still very sleepy but I could not go back to slumberland because I was bathing in my own sweat.I have just learned that it is not practical to wear shirts during Summer in the Philippines.

So I sat up in my bed, then faced my computer immediately,like the usual. Twitter,Blogger,Facebook,Yahoo Mail,MSN.I'm a great procrastinator,ain't I?

I replied to my Fanfiction reviews,wrote a blog entry,then chatted with some friends. I headed out for lunch,took a bath,then went back to my room to procrastinate some more.No place else could ever give me this calm and relaxed feeling,other than my room.I felt so in touch with my inner self, writing,listening to great music...It's bliss.

I stayed here all day,talking to myself.Paradise.For the first time in weeks,I felt almost like myself again...Cause this past few days,I've changed a lot.Now I guess I'm back on track.I just need to sort some things out,and all will be good again. ;) Just saying...

And oh, Happy Good Friday everyone!

Dreaming Old Dreams,Wishing Old Wishes

I've always known fear.Since I was a child,I've had them.

I used to be scared of dogs,snakes,strangers.Now I've learned that there are so much more scarier things than those that could physically hurt me.

I'm scared of change.There are always those perfect moments that I luckily become a part of. There are always those times when I would wish the world would just stop and freeze because I love the feeling I am currently feeling, and I am scared that it would one day end. Because life will go on, and the moment would have to move on, eventually. Not even the prettiest photograph could capture the butterflies in my stomach.I am afraid that things might change after that.It will never be the same,but I have realized that if I hold on to just one moment forever,then it would be like I'm stopping myself from experiencing another perfect moment to happen.Change is the only permanent thing in this world,and I am scared,but I wouldn't let it get in the way of having the chance to experience as many fairy tale scenes as I could.

I am scared of losing.Not literally losing a game,or a bet,but losing the people I love,the things that have the most significant importance in my life,or a vital piece of myself that would defy my purpose in living my life the way I do.Sometimes,losing and change are strangely intertwined.When we lose something or someone,our lives will drastically change.We might not notice it,but that's the way it goes.I've always felt alone,I do,but that is just self inflicted loneliness.A deeper part of me knows that I really am not.I always have someone to turn to--I just don't because I like solitude.But knowing that someone's gone for good is different.It's the most painful part of saying goodbye: the knowledge that you have taken something or someone special for granted.In competitions,competitors almost always mutter "I could have done better".That's how it goes,too,in real life.The regrets that I could have done better makes it hard for me to let go of the past.

My fears are the strongest chains that bind me with this tree of permanence. I could be running,chasing pavements,flying with fireflies,contradicting time.But because I want nothing to change,because I want it all sure and planned,here I am,dreaming old dreams,wishing old wishes.The universe unfolds like it should,while I figure out how to push the demons down.

Uninhibited

Who am I?

 Dressed in sunshine,I breathe summer

Under the stars I dance

Bold,uninhibited,and yet,undiscovered.

Who am I?

Off to infinity,I ride a cloud

I sing in tune with the wind

Loud,uninhibited,and yet,unheard.

Who am I?

I am friends with tulips and pansies

Away with the waves I roll

Exuberant,uninhibited,and yet,unnoticed.

Who am I?

I prance around with butterflies

To the past,I travel,in my frilly beige frock

Confident,uninhibited,and yet,undecided.

So this one,I wrote this for my Vickeh!!! Love you.I'm not really sure if you'll like it but you do remind me of these things: butterflies, clouds, sunshine.Thank you for coming into my life!