Thursday, January 19, 2012

I don't know where to start.

Today is my sister's birthday. I can't believe January's halfway over, but really, when did time ever slow down?

So, in February, I have to get an original copy of my birth certificate from NSO. I have to get it before March or April (graduation season) to avoid inconvenience. Then, by March, I'd have to pull out my records from my old university, which apparently costs Php 9,000.00, more or less, so I can register as early as April, again, to avoid inconvenience. I'm really nervous about the registering part cause I'm not sure if this new school will accept me. It's hard enough to be a transferee, what more to be a transferee with bad records?

But I'm not giving up on this. I'm coaching myself to keep looking at the bright side of things. This is my future. The next few years are going to define how the rest of my life will turn out, and honestly, I'm not going down without a fight. I'm not going down, period.

Financially, we're struggling right now. I can only imagine how much harder it's going to be in June, when both my sister and I are in college. I'm hoping I could get a job to at least pay for some of my own basic needs and maybe save up for a few trips to see my friends on sem break, but right now, my priority is to be able to get through these intricate ways out of my old college and into a new one.

Honestly, I'm scared. I' turning 21. It's not that easy to throw a fish into a new body of water and expect it to blend in immediately, but i just remind myself that a fish does not drown, so long as it keeps swimming. And that's what I' going to do. I'm going to swim my ass off until I conquer the sea, and I know that one day, I'll look back at this moment and know that I've done the right thing.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Nice to meet you, too, 2012.

Everything just feels so wrong today. I'm very sad, and I've been crying since morning. My tears just won't stop falling. It's one of those days when I wish my life was a video game, so I could skip today and see if tomorrow is any better.

I wonder what happened to me. I used to be so happy about things, and now all I feel is this sensation is my chest that feels like someone's pricking my heart with a thousand needles, deeper and deeper until I bleed red and never be able to feel the next wave of pain. I've thought about drinking a bottle of ant poison or dish washing liquid, honestly, I have, but I'm too scared of losing my breath that I never actually did it.

I want this suffering to end. I want to stop picturing my own funeral in my head. I always think about what everyone would say about me when I'm dead. Would they finally see how hard I've tried to reach out to them? How I spend my whole life worrying that they're not happy with me? Why I did all the things I did that disappointed them? Yes, I am to blame. But am I the only one? Am I really alone in this?