Tuesday, April 28, 2015

She probably shouldn't be doing this, she thought, as her lips spread into a wide smile. It wasn't something she planned, but things had their way of falling into place, hadn't they? 

A few years, even a few months ago, she never would have believed it was possible to be happy again. Her red balloon flew from her hold. Her favorite ship sank in the middle of an ocean storm. There was no hope for her until now, and she probably shouldn't be doing this. 

It was a bad idea to fall for things beyond your reach. The impossible had always been unattainable. When the sun comes up, she will have to tiptoe back into reality, a bouquet of restored faith in one hand and an even bigger self doubt in the other. 

She probably shouldn't be doing this.

But no one knew how it felt to be held in his strong, able arms. To be tied to an anchor so grounded that it keeps you from drifting back into the black, muddy waters. No one else knew how her heart floated up in her chest upon every mention of his name. No one else had gone to bed with smiling lips in place of pillows soaked in tears. For years, she waited, and now that she found it, she had no plans of letting it go.

But she probably shouldn't be doing this.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

He was in love with the chase,
She was in love with the distance
They were two cars on a race,
Trying to outrun circumstance.

Friday, April 17, 2015

I received some sad news today that we will be transferred to work in the diner. Apparently, the restaurant was a temporary one until the diner opens. I overheard one of my managers talking to our boss about keeping me in the restaurant, and there are also some talk circulating that only three or four out of the five of us are actually being moved, but no one pulled us aside to explain anything clearly, so nothing is sure for now.

It snowed a lot today. It was nice to watch from across the window, but it made me miss the Philippines. I used to hop on a random bus especially on a rainy day to calm my mind, and I couldn't do that here. It seems like all we do these days is work.

I found some pretty crucial information today that I'm not comfortable sharing here, but it's a terrible one to bear, to assure you. I wonder if I'm being self righteous for feeling like this or maybe I judge people too easily. All I can say for now is that I'm so thankful I have self respect enough to help me know when to stay and when to walk away, because, as I've found out recently, not all people do.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

I've been in America for almost a month now. I have earned enough, mind you, to feed a Filipino family for two years or so in the three weeks that I've worked a minimum wage job.

Anyway, I've been reading some of my old posts lately, especially those in August and September of 2010. I had so many problems that I thought I wouldn't get past back then, but looking back now, I see how easy it all played out in the end.

There are some hurts that just never leave. I carry these in my heart at all times, to all places, and when I'm not busy, I open my mind and welcome the pain. It is a buttersweet distraction from the emptiness I zone out to when I have nothing better to do.

I miss my home country very much. It's very cold here although for the locals, this is warm. It snowed the other day, and Pau and I were very excited, we kept glancing giddily out the window in between seating guests. Elena, our manager, thought it was hilarious how happy we were. She said we were like kids watching TV, which, in a way, I thought we were.

Although it can be pretty sad here sometimes, I have met a lot of kind and interesting people. My favorite would be Alisha, since day 1, she has been nothing but kind to us, and she always gives us her sweet smile. When you see it, you can't help but have a good day. I'm not even exaggerating. Elena is the kindest of them all. She shares with me some stories from her home country, that is Romania. I wish I could give her their local brands of chocolates because she said she misses those! With her, I don't even have to ask sometimes. She's just always there to help whenever I mess up or put myself in trouble. She's really pretty, smart, funny and approachable. And then there's everyone else who have been very understanding and patient with us: Amy, Krista, Sir Marius, Sir Alex, Courtney, and the servers who I know get tired of us always making mistakes but they forgive us anyway.

I'm loving my life here. This has been mu dream for years, and I still can't believe that I'm living it now. It's hard to be so far away from home, from all things safe and familiar, but this new adventure is worth it. I just wish it was a little warmer.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Four years ago, I never thought I'd be where I am right now, lying on an empty bed, words pouring out of my head.

I miss you. I miss you so much that I could embrace the air around me and make myself believe that I am holding a part of you once again, which is sad because you had not even been here. For four years, I've been trying to convince myself that I am only supposed to have you in my life for a short while. Four years, I've been tearing myself down and building my life back up around your absence, but it seems now, tonight, that this loneliness is all i have ever known.

I have goosebumps on my arm, hearing your laughter in my mind. For the first time in the longest time tonight, I see a glimpse of your laughing face in my mind, and everything crumbles. The ground shakes beneath my feet, and tears pool inside my chest. Still, the world spins on...the wind sings on....the sun shines on. Everything is the same, and yet everything has changed.

You would have been so happy for me. You would have listened to me rant endlessly about the most trivial things, but you are not here where you promised to be - beside me. And yes, even after all these years I soent pushing your memory to the deepest corners of my mind, I haven't fully covered the screaming hole you left when you took my heart with you, six feet under. Four years ago.

You were my best friend. You held the switch that turned my night sky on, and now all I have are a few dying stars. I was so wrong to think that somedy, I'll get over it, because even now, with all the new people in my life, I keep looking for you in the sounds of their laughter, in the crinkle at the corners of their kind, smiling eyes. I keep looking for any sign that you have come back to touch my life again, and I keep finding more questions instead of answers.

Will I ever find you?

Will my soul learn to live with this pain?

Will I wake up one day and find that I am finally, truly, freely happy?