Thursday, March 31, 2011

On Her Way Home, Ironically.

"Please wear your seatbelt," the driver said.

She was covering her face with a towel, letting the rough fabric absorb her tears. Behind her, people were exchanging curious stares. She looked at the side view mirror and faked a smile.

Of all the days her iPhone has to fall to the floor and have its earphone slot broken, it chose today. Of course, it chose today. Sarcastically, she rolled her eyes and shook her head, wanting for the day to be over and not end at the same time. Music was the only thing to save her, and music couldn't save her when she most needed saving.

For a while, she threw her head back on her seat. Four years, she whispered. Four years have passed since I first set foot on that school.

A week and a day from now, it would be her graduation day, or it was supposed to be her graduation day. Unfortunately, it would be more appropriate to say it would be her classmates' graduation day. She, like many juvenile nuisances today, was one of those left standing outside, nose pressed on the glass. She wasn't graduating, and she wasn't graduating anytime soon.

Looking back, it never really occurred to her that this would happen. She was one of those girls you could always go to for advice. She laughed really loud, she was shallow, she had everything anyone could ask for, except one: someone who listened without judging.

Her family was a bunch of nice, middle class people. What she wanted, she got...Only at the right time. In that family, saying I love you was an embarrassing thing to do. The last time she was hugged was when her father died, seven years ago. She received awards and medals from school, but no one ever said I'm proud of you. To them, it was just right. It was her obligation to bring them honor, a responsibility.

She tried telling them for days now about her problems in school. But everytime she did, they'd block her with you can't possibly fail, you took all the units necesarry. We gave you all you needed. You joined all the events. How can you possibly fail, right? And each time, she ended the conversation with a nod and a smile, wishing to somehow be able to unload everything from her chest as soon as she could, and get it all over with.

Today, she made up her mind. The car ride home was spent thinking about how she would run away and leave a note, or maybe just kill herself. The thoughts were quick and blurred. She pictured herself stabbing her heart with the knife she always kept hidden in between her CDs. And then, she realized, she was scared of blood. So instead, she wondered if drinking poison or liquid soap would kill her immediately.

She thought about asking her friends to let her stay in their house for a while. She didn't want to be a burden, but it was the last choice she had. She was creating in her mind the words she would scribble on the paper. How she was a failure, how she didn't want to turn out to be such a disappointment, how she wanted another chance so badly, how she wanted to fix everything, and come back home as soon as she was allowed to.

Her heart was aching with so much pain as soon as these thoughts were built on her mind. She has never been away from home for that long. Her family has always been her world, and she couldn't imagine living without them.

But she had to.

She had to runaway because if she didn't, she was afraid one of them will kill her, or she will kill herself voluntarily. She was scared. She was so scared of death that the thought of it makes her skin crawl. She was also afraid of the future, and she didn't know which was worse.

As of now, she just wants to sleep. She wants to get out of her own head. It's dangerous in there.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Time To Tell You The Truth.

When I was a freshman in High School, I attended this super exclusive school, where the total number of freshmen was just equal to 88 pupils, the smartest and richest ones. I guess we can say I'm smart. I was a consistent honor student, won numerous awards for Feature Writing and some quiz bees, and bagged the title Best in English every year. It was an award my friends and I always competed for.

In spite of my school being the best high school in the region, I never felt like I belonged there, not even once. My classmates were rich. Their Dads were architects, engineers, masons. Their Moms, teachers. They spent their free periods wondering where to hang out after classes. I walked home alone.

As much as it embarrasses me to admit it, I flunked out of that school that same year. First of all, I was shy and quiet. I never had friends except for two girls in my class, but they, too, were rich and very smart. Secondly, my father died that year, and it only added to my depression, Iguess you could call it that.

I skipped classes and only went to school when I felt like it. I lied to my family, and soon enough, they discovered the mess I made. And then they helped me stand, so stand I did. My grandmother talked to me and asked, what do you realy want to do with your life? Do you want to be like this forever? Can you live like this forever? The next school year, I transferred to a different school. There, I felt safe, because I could blend in with the commoners. I was still bullied, of course. No one can escape that, right? Still, it was better than the previous one.

Fast forward to 2007...

There I was, a seventeen year old, wearing my favorite pink ruffled top on my first day of College. After two classes, all my classmates already have groups they hang out with, while I sat there in the corner, my head bowed down. I never talked unless I was spoken to, ad I never made friends till the first month. It was a nightmare, but I had to deal with it. I didn't feel like I belonged there, either, but I tried. Honestly, if I were to choose, I wanted to go to College in Baguio City, in St. Louis University. But my family wouldn't agree, so I ended up in my school.

Everything went well at first. I was possibly the smartest student in my class, and I lead the scores in tests and quizzes. When we had homework, I'd be the one my classmates would ask about it. But my enthusiasm didn't last for long. Soon enough, I was back to my old lazy self, skipping classes and what not. I dreaded PE, Chemistry, and Math classes, and the hours during those were agonizingly slow. My grades, needless to say, suffered.

But my family didn't know anything about it. I knew right then that I should've told them the truth, but instead, I went on enrolling and flunking my subjects. It went on for years. It's still going on now, and I was supposed to graduate now. I'm not going to graduate this April, and my family doesn't know. They're planning my future now, and I don't know how to tell them that I, their "golden child", am failing my classes. That I'm not as good as they think I am. That I used to hate my Bible classes, so I went to school late so I could skip them. That the reason I didn't invite my friends over for my 18th birthday was because I had no friends to invite, and I was scared they'd find out that I messed up again.

I remember that one time when I was in second year, and I woke up to my aunt crying in the living room. She figured me out, asked me about it, but I denied everything. I said all was fine, my grades were fine, I was fine. She believed me. I wish now that she didn't. I wish now that I rushed to her side and hugged her and told her how sorry I was. I wish I asked for her help. I wish I realized how badly I needed someone to help me.

Now, my mom just called. I overheard her talking to my sister, asking her if I have problems in school, because I promised I'd text her when I found out when my graduation is. The truth? How will I know when the graduation is, when I'm not graduating? And then my sister got irritated and told her to talk to me instead, so she called me.

I was playing on my phone when she called. When I tried to answer, it lagged, and I was in a really bad mood, so without thinking, I screeched. "Tawag kasi ng tawag, ang kulit kulit!" Then I realized that my Mom was already on the line, and she heard me say that. She apologized and said she didn't know I'd be mad.

Maybe I was a bit irritated, because honestly, I think my Mom is bored with life. She calls every freaking day for no reason at all, and she never did that before when she had a boyfriend. Still, I know I'm in the wrong, and I should've been patient. It was my guilt, building up inside me, that made me defensive.

I never had anyone I could talk to about this. I wish I could just pull someone aside and tell them everything. I wish I could tell my grandma without breaking her heart, or my aunt without having her slap me. I know she will slap me once she finds out. She always does that. But they've given me everything I wanted, everything I needed, and everything I asked for. How could they understand what my problem is? I don't even know what my problem is. I'm just a twisted, ungrateful child.

I don't have any idea how to get this out of this mess. Suicide crossed my ind multiple times. It's the easy way out, but I'm too scared to do it. I can't leave them like that. I want to fix everything, finish my studies, then give them the life they've always wanted. Because that's what I am to them...someone who will pay all the debts, drive them around in a fancy car, pay for all the expenses in the house, build a mansion for us to live in. You see, I never had a say in my life. I was never allowed to have a boyfriend, and my sister has a boyfriend, and she is fifteen. Yes, you have the right to say I was shallow and selfish, but that was not the case. In College, I had the freedom I've been deprived of all my life. You see, I never intended for any of this to happen, but it just did. I know I don't have anyone else to blame. I'm taking all the blame...I just need someone to listen.

I need someone to grab me by the arm and talk to me, make me realize what my life is worth because I don't see it now. I want someone to not believe me for once, and see through my lies. I want someone to yell in my face and reprimand me and punish me and fuck, I don't know. I don't know.

I fucked up...I really fucked up and I want to just get it all over with. I want them to know that no, there's nothing they can do to pull me out of the mess I'm in. I ruined my life...And what I need is not someone to tell me what to do again or to do things for me. I just need another chance. I want to be the person I am, not the person people expect me to be. I want to stop wondering if it's too late, or what will happen to my life now. I just want to be alive again.

I'm so,so,so,so sorry for the pain I'll be causing you... :(

Saturday, March 19, 2011

I'm Lost.

I'm lost.

I don't know how or where to begin this post, so I started with honesty. I'm lost.

I don't know who I am or who I want to be or who I should be. Sure, I'm alive, but am I really living? I don't feel like I am. It's like the days are just passing by right before my very eyes, and I'm stuck in this emptiness alone, and I don't know how to deal with it.

I'm lost.

I'm not sure if I'm still happy with what's going on in my life, and the problem is there's nothing going on in my life. It's perfectly normal. I have great friends, a loving family, a roof to shelter me from the rain. I have everything I need and I can have anything I want if I ask. So why am I so unhappy?

I'm lost.

I can only feel myself through music, and even that isn't a big help sometimes. brings me back to the times I'd rather forget. It reminds me of the faces of the people I'd rather erase from my mind. It makes all the words I've struggled so hard to shun echo through my mind. Music hurts and soothes me with pain, until it's all to much to deal with, but I can't complain. It's the only way for me to feel.

I'm so lost.

Please, take your time and find me.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Stealing Hearts Just Cause I Could.

Today has been a really long day,but I can't explain how or why because I don't remember anything clearly. It's like time just passed me by while I stared endlessly at an inanimate object,unaware of the world revolving and going about around me.

I feel so lonely....and I can't pinpoint a reason for it. Honestly,I think I need help,but I don't know where to look for it.I don't feel pretty, I don't feel beautiful.I'm so unhappy with myself,and when I face the mirror after a shower,all I can obsess about is the thickness of my waist, or the imperfections of my face. I'm not even kidding. I need someone to save me from myself. I can't even eat properly, it's like I've come to the point of starving myself because I feel fat. I feel really,really fat.

I don't know what's become of me. Last year, I was here encouraging all of you to be happy with who you are. Now I'm in your place and I'm struggling, but I feel like I can't win. I need help. I need help, please....

I just want to run away from here. Far,far away, take nothing with me, and start over somewhere new where no one knows me.Have you ever felt like that once in your life? It's like I don't belong here, and I see that now. I want to escape everything or undo everything...I feel helpless.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


I'm obsessed with that word wight now, which, according to my good friend Tumblr, means the difficulty of expressing feelings to other people. That happens to me all the time.

So I kinda made a very important decision, that is to turn vegetarian. I'm famished right now, but I have no food so I have no choice. I finally decided to be vegetarian because the struggle of eating meat is pointless, I almost always end up throwing up or eating very little, and that's not a good thing. I'm excited about this new lifestyle and I hope to stick to it all through out. I also feel like losing some pounds.

My days have been perfect but those days are over now. What makes me happy right now is I did something in life that I never thought I would. I actually made a minute long eye contact with a guy I don't know, then I broke out to a smile because he held my gaze. He's a perfect stranger, haha. I feel like a creeper now, but I could feel myself blushing that very moment. For a short while, I felt admired.

Also, is it bad that I can't stop listening to "Again" by Bruno Mars? Like seriously, I play it as soon as I wake up, before I go to sleep, on my way to school, and on my way home from school. I'm so weird, I know. And I've just remembered randomly that Yasmina posted something on my Facebook wall saying I'm the best bestie ever. Awr, isn't she the sweetest? Mar also sent me a very sweet DM earlier today. I swear, I'm so lucky to have the sweetest friends from all over the world. Little things like that make me smile all the time.

Now,I'm exhausted and drained and counting the days till my execution. I hope I live....So good night for now, and I'll update again when something interesting actually happens.

Friday, March 11, 2011

A stitch away from making it....

....and a scar away from falling apart.

I've been loittering about on my new Tumblr and I saw that picture and I don't know. It just clicked. I don't know.

This day has been really annoying. One, I've been very sick and I couldn't keep anything down. In fact, my dinner is sitting on my table right now, yet to be smelled or tasted. I'm thinking deeply of becoming a vegetarian. I know some of you might say why not just do it, but it's not THAT easy for me. All my life, I'm never really a big fan of veggies and if I do turn vegetarian, I want to stick to it and actually be vegetarian. So I'm weighing my options right now.

My hands are shaking, not a very good sign. I don't know if it's nerves or hunger or maybe both. And I'm very sleepy,like I could pass out and sleep for days, but I can't do that now.

There was an earthquake this afternoon in Japan. I haven't seen the news yet so I have no freaking idea how bad it is, but my aunt said it was bad enough,so I'm taking her word for it. To everyone in Japan who have lost their friends, families, loved ones, homes, and livelihood, my heart is crying for you. May God bless all of us and provide us the healing we need to get through all of this. To everyone who lives in those places where they gave Tsunami alerts to, stay safe and pray. Pray. It moves mountains.

That's all I have to say today. I have a broken heart to tend to (not mine, but my heart is hurting nonetheless0, and some sleep to catch up on.

Remember, I love you. <3

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

My Heart Was On Display For All To See.

Can I just break down and cry for no reason at all?

Do I have the right to do that,just because I can, and just because I want to?

I'm so tired of this roller coaster of emotions I'm in right now. I wish some people would actually mean what they say,because their words are directed to someone's heart. Don't people know that when it comes to the heart,nothing is a joke?

How hard is it to really be with someone if you want to be with them? Surely,that's not harder than just telling the truth and letting the person be happy with their own lives. I know I don't make much sense. I'm just so frustrated.

How could you smile sky and cry at the sun? It's this simple: if you're happy, you're happy. Be contented with what you have. Don't go around breaking hearts just so you could have it all. You can't have it all at once...

It's so unfair!

Friday, March 4, 2011

I Don't Know Where To Go From Here.

Am I crazy for wanting something and NOT wanting it at the same time?

That's exactly where I am right now. It's like eating something you know isn't good for you, and might kill you in the long run, but somehow, you just can't seem to get enough of it.

Sometimes, I wish I can make up my mind and tell myself that was it. That it really won't happen, ever. But one hello...that's all it takes for me to fall all over again and it's just wrong. It's so wrong, but I can't help myself.

Sometimes, I wish we could choose who we fall for. It's crazy how we all seem to want everything we can't have. There's an easy way, but no one wants to take it. Maybe because life is all about the chase, the challenge, the feeling of holding the very trophy in your hand, waving it in the air, scoffing in front of the world's face, yelling "I won, I won." Maybe because people are naturally stubborn and hard headed, and we just LOVE pain. I don't really know.

I keep telling myself that maybe it will be worth it in the end. I keep hoping that someday this fairytale will come true, but my chances are so small, they can fit comfortably into a needle hole. Still, I never give up. I keep praying and wishing to die and be given a new life as a new person, the very person you want, the very person you need. Every night, I clasp my hands so tight together they hurt, and every morning, I wake up looking forward to the rising of the moon. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic, but I love you.

I want you to know how I can't take my eyes off you, like your favorite song says. I badly want to be beside you right now and feel your lips tremble against my ear as you sing. Tell me, will this all remain a dream? Is this really the best I can do?

You got my head spinning. I don't know where to go from here.