Sunday, November 20, 2011

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn (Part 1)

I saw Breaking Dawn with my friends last Friday. It was awesome, but I could really use some more Jasper/Alice action. Still, it was better than I expected.

Two scenes I can't forget are when the wolves chased Esme. She looked scared. And when they attacked the Cullens, when Alice looked fragile and helpless under one big angry wolf. I was shaking at the cinema, squealing "Don't hurt Alice, don't hurt Alice!" Haha.

Like I said, it was greater than I ever expected because really, I haven't watched any trailers. I wanted it to surprise me, and it did, except for when Bella was being changed and they showed the venom running through her veins. They could've found a better way of explaining that without having to be visual like that. I guess I'm just not used to seeing that in a Twilight movie, since up until Eclipse they kept the scenes as realistic (with people and vampires and werewolves) as possible. There were no anatomy shots and no talking werewolves. But I guess it was necessary for Breaking Dawn. I liked the wolves, though. They were angrier, wolfier. And Rosalie was so beautiful in this movie. I've been thinking that finally, for the first time, I was convinced that she was the movie version of Rosalie.

My favorite scene would be the Alice/Jasper dance of course. (Did you really expect me to choose a scene without Alice/Jasper in it? No? Thought so.) And although almost everyone says they disapprove of the Alice hair, I personally believe it looked good. Ashley Greene rocked that wig, just saying. Jackson Rathbone looked a lot more like himself, playing Jasper, and that was a good thing. I hope they keep that look for part 2.

All in all, good movie. It kept me on the edge of my seat. The book is now boring compared to this movie, but which stupid person would make that comparison? Oh, I just did? Haha. It was short, in my opinion, the movie. I'm looking forward for more next year, since it seems like the real story is there.

The verdict? I liked it. It's my second favorite Twilight movie. Second to Eclipse, of course. I love me some Jasper.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

A bunch of silly things I would like to say to you.

Hi, remember me?

I'm taking a trip down memory lane, and I came across some fond moments we've shared.

I think you've moved on now. I think you've moved on long ago, and I know I brought this on myself. But sometimes, I wish you were still here.

It has been four years, more or less, but I remember everything like it was yesterday. We've had the highest highs and miserable lows, but even until now, I've never found someone to make me feel the way you did.

What would you do if I told you that sometimes, I hold my own hand just to see if I still remember how it felt with you? I still see bits of our faces, of that day. It was drizzling lightly and you were swimming, and i was sitting by the pool, my feet dipped in the water, and it was cold. You kept trying to convince me to jump in, but I wouldn't, because the wind was blowing, and I was short, and the pool was deep. I was scared of drowning. I didn't know how to swim. You held out your hand, and I hesitated. No one has ever held my hand before, not even my first boyfriend. You didn't force me, though. So I took your hand and jumped in the water with you. I was right, it was cold. But back then, right at that very moment, nothing else really mattered except that I was with you, and I was happy.

 You took me out on my very first real date. We watched Shrek 3, and you said your palm ached, so I volunteered to give you a massage. As soon as I held your hand, you slipped your palm up against mine and slid your fingers in the spaces between mine. We held hands the whole time, and you never let me go, not even after the movie. You said it felt good to hold hands with me because my palm was smooth and soft. I said the same to you.

One day, one of your friends from high school saw us together and told this girl who had the biggest crush on you (and who was also my friend) that we were officially together. That night, she got mad at us for not telling her. We spent the evening trying to explain to her that it wasn't like that, that I wasn't your girlfriend. Secretly, I was wishing you'd say I was.

You took me to one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen. Even until today, after all these years, I haven't completely forgotten about it. For the first time, in that place, where it was all green, and there were grassy hills and a beautiful lake glistening under the sun, you put your arms around me. As if by doing so, you'd somehow be able to hold me together and prevent me from falling apart all over again. That day, on our way home, your motorcycle ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere, and we had to walk and push it to the nearest gas retail store, but I didn't mind. I went home, my friend came over and asked me about my day, and the only answer I was able to give her was a smile. And then I cried, because you were so perfect and I was wondering what I did to have gotten so lucky.

I didn't know exactly what was going on between us. We never put a label to what we had, but you told me you loved me...hundreds of times. And not once did it get old,because I felt the same for you. We've known each other better than anyone did. I casually mentioned that I liked guys who wore pink, and from then on, although you didn't say anything, I've noticed that every time we were together, you made it a point to wear pink. You even went as far as buying new shirts just to be able to do that for me.

We attended different colleges. You went to Manila, and we only saw each other twice a month. I'd stay up until the wee hours of the morning, texting you while you toughed out the long way home. I'd wake up and go to school really early on Mondays just to get the chance to be able to ride with you there. Once, we took a jeepney with my grandfather, but I pretended not to have seen him because no one in my family knew about you.

I went to Manila to see you. We spent three days together, and those hotels wouldn't let us check in because I was only 16. I was very sleepy, but we finally found one that let us in. That room had a window that overlooked the city. I stood by it to watch the passing cars and listen to the noise outside. You just silently walked up to me and you wrapped your arms around my waist from behind. That night, if you asked me to do it with you, I wouldn't have been able to say no, but because you were so different from all the other guys out there, you respected me, and instead made it memorable by giving me my first real kiss. All we had for dinner was a pack of blueberry flavored gum, but my stomach was full of butterflies.

On the second night, we weren't lucky enough to have an air conditioned room, but it was late, so we settled for one that was hot as hell. A fan hung from the ceiling, but it wasn't working. All night, you couldn't sleep because you were sweating nonstop. I pulled out one of the three handkerchiefs I gave you ("Handkerchiefs?" you said. "People give handkerchiefs to people when they plan to make them cry."). And I swore there would be no reason for you to cry for me. I soaked that handkerchief in tap water, then stayed up all night wiping it all over your body. I remember hoping you'd remember that everytime the weather got too hot.

The next day, you took me to the bus home. You sat on one of the steel benches of the bus station, while I sat by one of the window seats across you. I kept pretending to read Chinese Cinderella while the bus groaned idly so I wouldn't have to look at you. When we started to go, I finally had the courage to lift my gaze. You raised your hand in the air, and a silent tear fell from my eye. You could have been sending me a promise, but I knew you were saying goodbye.

Weeks after that, you had to come home because of a fever. I was so worried that I skipped my afternoon classes immediately after you asked me to come over. I was shy, I've never met any of your family, but you said it was okay. So, because I was clueless about these things, I just put on my old Physical Education jogging pants and my pink, large high school shirt that said FOOD TECHNOLOGY on the back and a pair of my trusty nude tone jelly shoes and rushed to your home, where your aunts and brothers and cousins were. You introduced me to them by name, but we both didn't know who I really was in your life, so we left it at that.

You held my hand, we made out in your bedroom, and then you drove me home in your car. You gave me a copy of High School Musical: The Novel, and I still have it until now. You were such a romantic, it was cute. You liked love songs that would have made other guys sick. I was so young, I thought it was never going to end. I was deeply in love with you, and there was no way out.

But things weren't meant to stay that way forever. We grew more apart by each day. We were so alike in so many ways, and I never thought that would be a bad thing, but it was. One day, you just stopped caring, and I was left with the pieces of my first real broken heart.

All these happened in a span of three months, and I still can't let go completely. I've seen movies showing people looking for the feeling I once felt with you. Carefree. Complete. Happy. I've been in and out of various relationships with various people, but it still feels like something is missing. When I think about it, it always comes back to you.

I miss you.

I keep wondering what might have been if I'd been more patient, more understanding, more confident. It saddens me that I'll never know.

Letting you go is one of the biggest regrets of my life.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

My mind is not the safest place for me.

Have you ever felt like  nothing in life is going right?

I wake up every single day knowing it's just going to be like the last. Most of it will be spent in my room or in front of the TV, and then some listening to my family complain about the littlest things.

We never have decent food. If we do, that's like once in a blue moon. It's almost always fried tofu,  fried fish, fried chicken, fried pork. Stir fried vegetables. I miss sipping hot soup from my spoon, and I miss eating something that took some effort to be cooked. I just miss being normal, I guess.

Every morning, I wake up to the annoying sound of my aunt's voice echoing through the house. It seems like they can't speak to each other without yelling even though they're not mad. I wish I was exaggerating this. I told her that yesterday, and in all fairness to her, she tried turning her voice down this morning, but it was still not low enough. Still woke me up.

I can't go anywhere I like without having to bring someone with me. I told them a few months ago that I'm going to Manila on the 18th, and nobody cared because I have no money and they don't plan to give me some. So, thinking that I wouldn't be able to go anyway, they shrug it off and make it look as if I'm allowed to go. Now that it's near and I have found a way to have money, they insist that my sister should go with me. My sister is going to Manila, too, on the 25th and they'll give her money for that, and they'll give her money to be able to join me, too.

I know she's my sister, and I should be happy, if at all, to be hanging out with her, but the people I'm meeting are my friends. People in the same age group as I am, whom my sister hasn't met and will not be able to relate to. What are they thinking, that I'm going to run away with some dude or what? Because I'm not that kind of girl. I don't even have a boyfriend, but of course they don't believe me when I tell them that.

I just feel like I'm being held a prisoner in my own home. I'm so unhappy with the flow of things here, and honestly, I can't find anything I want to live for right now. All I want is one day to be free, to be with my friends, to be me, because I can't be that here, and they can't give me that. They always keep my hopes up and crush them, and me, in the end.

I'm so tired of this. I'm so depressed in this house. I keep staying in my room and crying silently for reasons I can't explain and it's so hard to get through the day without thinking of ending all of this.

I feel like dying is the only way I can be free.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Just sitting here pretending to be a baby carrot.

Happy November,fellow bloggers!

I've been waiting for this month for so long. Today has been a good day but I'm just sitting here pretending to be a baby carrot. Just kidding. It's November, which means about two weeks from now, it's Breaking Dawn Part 1 day! I can't wait for it, although I'm not so sure who I'm seeing it with and where.

I told my grandma that I want to go to Manila on the 18th but she doesn't seem to be so fond of the idea. I'm kind of desperate, since I saw Eclipse last year with my girlfriends and I want to see this film with them, but we'll see. In a span of a year, so much has changed in my life and it's so hard to get used to this new routine now. Last year I was traveling wherever I want, whenever I want to, and now I'm stuck at home, I'm twenty, and I have to ask either my mom or my grandma for money and for permission to go somewhere. And it doesn't help at all that my grandma is so overprotective that usually, it's a no, and if it's a yes, it's a conditional yes.

Anyways, I can't wait for my mom to come home this December. We have so many plans but I'm not sure if they're all going to happen. There are already some fat dark clouds showing themselves between us and those plans, but I hope it all comes out smoothly in the end. I'm just not going to get my hopes up so I don't end up being crushed.

Yesterday,we were at the mall. When we got home, my aunt told me that this neighbor of ours commented that our lives are so easy, "Ang sasarap ng mga buhay." It was a snide remark, a jealous one, because of some personal conflicts I'd rather not mention. I'm partly irritated that she's so shallow minded and jealous, and I find it funny that she thinks so much of my family. Whatever we do, she has a comment. One of these days, I'm just going to go up there and show her why she's so jealous, really. She's sure to get a handful of it from me if she doesn't stop.

So, on our way home, I was listening to my iPod. It was dark and lights were flashing by the road and there was a cold breeze, and suddenly, Taylor Swift's Enchanted just came on and I was like, how nice would it be to have someone to feel that way for right now? I miss being in love and being loved. Being adored, not so much. Not to boast, but I get a lot of adoration from strangers and it's just not nice. I don't like it when I pass by and a guy says, "There goes my girlfriend," or "I will court that girl," and never even have the balls to decently say hello. I therefore conclude that I don't like being indirectly hit on. I'm not going to settle for someone who thinks he can get me by whispering idiocy in the wind.

I don't think I can ask for more from life right now, but I just feel like something's not adding up to the equation. It feels wrong, and I can't put my finger on it. I don't know what's wrong, but something is.