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Sunday, January 31, 2010

Fun with Friends ;P

I had fun with my high school friends today. ;P

We went swimming!And riding mega and power slides.. LOL< Albert was the first to call them that. :))

I cannot even tell you about the laughter ..It was unfathomable.

Amazing, how some things seem to change, yet they stay the way they used to be at the same time. ;P

I'm just really happy. Can't concentrate on creating an emotional post tonight.

Sleeping with a smile plastered across my face. ;P

It will grow even bigger cause jackson rathbone will be in my dreams. ;P LOL

I'm pretty sure of that. :))

Buking!! Haha

This is a conversation between me and my super quiet classmate. So stay out of it. Haha let's call her "D".

We were in an internet cafe, she was LOOKING at MY computer's screen while I was chatting with (Let's call him) "J" who was sick at that moment. here it goes.

"J" is now online.

gummii_cupcakes: hi!! :"> msta na?
just_intym: ok na,nagchat ka na e ;P
gummii_cupcakes: wii bolero pa xa..hehe :))

(a chat window pops up,and yes, it's "D")

supermonkey***: waaah c Jay. Pakisabi hi!
gummii_cupcakes: sure ;P parang di magkatabi eh?
supermonkey***: geh na kau naman close eh. love mo nga diba? :p
gummii_cupcakes: LOL. how'd you know?
supermonkey***: duh. read it in your blog. ;p everybody knows! :))

>>>And I thought blogging was safer than an actual diary. Meh.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me!!

:">

LOVEloveLOVE <3>

Not Mine :))

They asked me if I kissed you.
I told them yes.
They asked if I regretted it.
I told them no.
They asked me if I regretted falling for you.
I told them no.
They asked me how I could have ever liked you.

I replied:

I don’t regret any of my feelings or things I did with him, because when I look at him I see something different than what everyone else can see. When I’m with him, I feel a feeling that no one or being anywhere else can give me. When I kissed him, my world around me melted. When he held me in his arms and rested his head on mine, I forgot everything but my world that was holding me. Even though all of you may see something in him that is so horrible, all I see is all the positive, and special moments that he ever shared with me…
The only thing that I regret is listening to everyone else, because if I had listened to my heart, I would still have him by my side. He would still be just a phone call away. But now, he’s just a phone call away for someone else..

Friday, January 29, 2010

Finally!

After 2 bars of cloud 9 and 5 more pieces of those innocent looking Chooey Chocos..
10 Rascal Flatts songs and 6 from Trading Yesterday.
Countless mosquito bites and even more dead mosquitoes (forgive me God,I am a killer.)
Uhm..I don't know how many blog posts and status updates..
4 hours of texting random people about random things.
17 chapters of a Fanfiction..

Finally!I am sleepy!
I can now arrange my pillows and head off to dreamland where my J is waiting for me..:))

--I'm signing out now. :)

See ya,J!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

...And I Fell


If you hold back feelings because you're afraid of getting hurt,
you end up hurting anyway.

So,there's really no point in not giving your heart what it really wants.No matter what you do to avoid it,move heaven and earth if you must,you'd still get hurt.I say grow up,and give it a shot.

You don't lose anything,not yet-until you quit.Love is just like a game,only more complicated,but the reward you get is certainly worth the fight.

So what if I get hurt?Scraped knees and broken bones heal,I guess hearts do too.The only card I've got is I know for a fact that loving someone with all my heart is not a guarantee that he will love me back.That would save me from a lot of unnecessary pain.

I don't know if I would be making the stupidest mistake of my life...and honestly,I don't care.I don't care if you hold my hand and I let you,but not without promising that you wouldn't let go,and eventually you do let go and I get hurt and my heart shatters to pieces.I don't care.I don't care if you only plan to make me cry,cross my name out of your list,and desert me afterwards.Love is like gambling.I'm betting my heart,even if I'm not sure if I would win.I am taking chances,even the smallest one.Hoping against hope that in the end,you'd chose to spend the rest of your life with me.Love is a dangerous curve on the road,its sole purpose might be just to hurt those brave ones who still take it even after they were warned,but I'm in love,and certain or uncertain,life or death,happiness or pain,I'm willing to risk losing it all to take that road with you.

So go ahead and break my heart if you would,it's useless without you anyway.

Dear Yesterday

It's easier to say "I don't care anymore".
But it's hard when you know you don't mean it.

Dear yesterday,I dialed your phone.
I tried going back to your arms.I wanted to feel loved.I wanted to once again feel the warmth of your protective arms around me.I remember you.You might not know it,but I do.

Dear yesterday,where are you?I used to sleep in the afternoons,and gently you'd tuck me under the sheets.You made me feel safe and cared for.I am looking for you.

Dear yesterday,you were that summer afternoon.You were that lazy Sunday morning.You were that rainy August day I spent at home,cuddled up with a good book.I miss you.

Dear yesterday,you were the first day we met.You were our first date.You were the first day he held me.You were our Anniversary.You were our past together.You were the happiest of my days.

Dear yesterday,you were the first day we fought.You were the first time he hurt me.You were that day I spent sitting lonesome on a rock beside the dirt road.You were gone.I'm too late.I'm longing for you.

World's Most Useless and Boring and Terribly Annoying Post. :X

May nagtanong sakin kagabi kung pano daw makalimot?
Kaso lang...Drugged ako kagabi...Kaya sabi ko sa kanya,sasagutin ko nalang yung tanong nya kappag maayos na yung takbo ng magulo kong utak.

At dahil feeling ko maayos na yung utak ko,(oo eto na yung pinakamaayos na kaya ko),sasagutin ko na yung tanong nya.Yehey!!

Sa totoo lang,ang emo nung tanong.Nung una wala talaga akong balak sagutin eh?Kaso..wala akong magawa ngayon kaya sige..Magmamarunong ako.Kunwari alam ko kung pano,dun ako magaling eh. ^_^

PAGLIMOT SA MGA BAGAY BAGAY
Eto naman eh madali lang..Lalo na samga ulyanin talaga katulad ko..Yung mga bagay na walang kwenta na laging kinakalimutan katulad ng homeworks (oo walang kwenta yan,agree?)..Madali lang yan kalimutan..Kasi yung motivation nandun na eh.Hindi naman sa gusto natin silang kalimutan...Ayaw lang natin silang alalahanin.Haha!

PAGLIMOT SA EVENTS AT KUNG ANU ANO PA
Minsan kasi may mga date na gusto natin wag na lang dumating eh.Katulad ng exams ganun (hindi ko sinasadya,nagkataon lang na related sa school karamihan ng examples ko) o kaya naman mga party para sa mga hindi naman party people,tapos kailangan nilang mag-attend as in wala silang choice.Madali lang din to.Edi punta ka lang,para matapos na lahat diba?Sabi nga eh the sooner it begins the sooner it will end (may ganito nga ba?).Pwera na lang syempre kung may pictures.Kahit anong paglimot mo maaalala mo pa rin yun. ^_^

Madali lang yan.Eto yung mahirap.

PAGLIMOT SA PAG-IBIG (EWW)
Kaya nga ba mas gusto kong magsulat sa English eh.Ang corny pag tagalog. :D
Eto yata yung tinutukoy talaga nung tanong.
Pano nga bang kalimutan na lang yung taong labs mo?
Pano kung dun lang umikot yung mundo mo,nagpaka-cheesy at nagpakagago ka para sa kanya...tapos biglang sasabihin nya,kalimutan mo na lang lahat yun.Ouch!
Mahirap nga to.Gusto ko man sabihin na,kailangan lang ng panahon para mabaon lahat sa limot,hindi ganun kadali yun.Siguro,yung pinakamadaling simula nun eh i-admit mo sa sarili mo na wala na,tapos na,at ito yung kailangan mong gawin.Yan yung laging unang step sa lahat.Acceptance.Wag mo ng patagalin pa yung sakit sa kasasabi sa sarili mo na may pag-asa pa at maibabalik mo pa yung dati.Magsisi ka na lang para masaya.Umiyak ka ah,para mas may effect.Pagkatapos,mag-move on ka na.Wag kang magmadali,wala ka namang hinahabol.Kung masakit pa,hintayin mo lang...mamamanhid din yan.Kailangan lang ng konting tulak.At syempre,yung will mo na makalimot.Minsan kasi kahit alam natin na yun yung kailangan nating gawin,hindi natin ginagawa.Kasi hindi yun yung gusto natin eh.Hindi tayo dun masaya.Eh pano kung dun sya masaya?Yan yung sabihin mo sa sarili mo.Masaya sya na wala ka.Sige,ulitin mo pa.Hanggang mag-sink in yung katotohanan na hindi ikaw yung gusto nya.Nag-iba yung ikot diba?Kasi mas mahalaga sayo na unahin yung gusto nya bago yung sarili mo.Tapos yung sakit na dala ng pag-amin mo na hindi ikaw yung nagpapasaya sa kanya.Nakakatulong din yung sakit para sa paglimot.Kailangan lang gamitin mo yun ng tama,pabor sayo,hindi kontra.Gawin mong inspiration yun para ipagpatuloy yung buhay na wala sya.Pwera na lang kung masochistic ka.

Wag kang magpaka-emo.Hindi makakatulong yan.Nakakainis pa nga eh,hindi lang sa mata nya,pati sa mata ng iba.Wag ka din magpapansin.Hayaan mo na sya.Anu ka ba?Tanggapin mu na kasi. ;P

Wag mong i-deny yung sarili mo sa nararamdaman mo.Kung alam mong hindi mo kaya--wag mong gawin.Kung sa tingin mo may mapapala ka,sige maghabol ka.Wala naman mawawala sayo.Ano ba naman yung konting pride,halos naubos mo na nga lahat sa kanya diba?Bottomline?Magpakatotoo ka,pero wag kang tanga.Magkaiba yun.Sundin mo lang yung instincts moHindi ka magkakamali.Well,kung magkamali ka man,at least wala kang pagsisisihan diba?Masasabi mo sa sarili mo na talagang ginawa mo lahat,hindi lang kayo para sa isa't isa.Woohoo.Ang keso.Lugi ang Eden.

Oh basta...kung wala ng ibang solusyon...Hindi naman mawawalang ng pader at bato at iba pang bagay sa mundo na pwedenG pag-untugan ng sarili mo.Malay mo makalimot ka agad.Pero may mas maganda pang alternative.Ang tawag dun?Mga kaibigan.^_______________^

Lastly,wag kang maniwala sa lahat ng sinabi ko.Lalo na yung part na mga kaibigan?Lalo kang hindi makakalimot.Aasarin ka lang ng mga yan. :)

END na ng pinakawalang kwentang post sa buong mundo.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Shell

Pretenses are the worst way of trying to be happy.
It's like living on a delicate shell,you have to move very carefully,or else someone might notice and it will break.
Everything you worked hard to hide,every feeling you denied yourself-laid out for everyone to see.

People tend to avoid pity from their peers.It makes someone feel vulnerable and inferior,and that is why we build a shell.Something to protect us from the piercing glares and pitiful looks.Something to help us keep people from feeling superior.

My shell was built for months,maybe even years.Those times made it strong enough to weather every storm along the way.Hell,I even doubt if someone with an x-ray vision could see through it.I've dealt with a lot of things that made my shell hard and unbreakable,coated and recoated,the finest of all shells.

I go to school,hang out with all my friends,laugh.Pretend nothing's bothering me.I've done this gazillion times before,getting better at it each time,so by now I guess it's safe to say that I've perfected the routine.

When I laugh and tell jokes,nobody notices the glint of sadness that always showed in my eyes.This I could tell,because this I could feel.But since I took great care of my shell,it never broke.It never failed me.

My shell is a happy girl.Someone contented with life.Someone who gets pissed off by homeworks,someone who skips classes every once in a while,someone whose therapy is shopping,someone who would spell fun as F-U-N without a doubt.This is my shell.I crafted it and molded it with my own hands to my own liking.I made it just like any other teenage girl.I took away her heart and emptied its contents in a box.All the emotions she feels,gone.Anger,hatred,pain,betrayal,bitterness-gone.Boxed away from her chest to never haunt her again.I made her bubbly,painted with rainbow,dressed in sunshine,scented with the world's best scents,slept in a flower bed,bathed in light.Others see her that way.An object of envy,maybe even inspiration. The shell radiates off happiness so fake that people drown in it,and still,they do not notice.

Inside that paradise shell is a lost girl.At night,she's looking up in the sky,picking out a star in the dark horizon,which may finally be her guide.Though loneliness embraces her,she sheds no tears.The girl feels every need to cry,but tears wouldn't come.The shell's heart was buried within her,and she is not allowed to come out,or the world will see.So there she is,inside the shell,locked up,probably never to be seen again.Her body is frail,her knees weak,thanks to the cruelty of the outside world.She took every blow without hesitation,and they hit her like thunder.She fell on her feet,with no one to save her.Gradually,she took courage and stood up for herself.She grew tired of accepting her fate and decided to twist it to her favor,hence,the shell was formed.

At first,it was hard to rid herself of all emotions.Seeing all the love,happiness,and trust go down the drain.It was hard to watch it all fall,but she had no other choice.She fixed herself up,made the shell to her content,and wrapped it around her.She became void of all emotions.

The girl was lost,the shell took control.She does these everyday,hoping that one day she wouldn't need the shell anymore.That ill be the day when the shell and the girl will be one.Void of emotions,unable to feel pain,and all the unnecessary emotions that people feel.

For now,she will hide behind the shell,her armor,her shield,and count on it to protect her from ever hurting again.All she has to do is trust no one but the shell,never let herself come out at the wrong time,and try her damndest to never show the loneliness she projects beneath the shell's happy eyes.

Easy.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

There Are Headaches Even the Strongest Paracetamol Can't Cure

....that is the headache acquired when thinking too much,especially when you don't have that much strength and wits to begin with.

What do you do with life,when all you want is for it to end?

Who wants to wake up in the morning feeling bad about everything,go to school and think some more,eat at your usual lunch table with your usual lunch buddies,listen to them talk and laugh,snicker,boast and talk again?

When life gets this boring,who wouldn't take the nearest possible exit?

Everyday,I dutifully fulfill my responsibilities as a sister,student,granddaughter,niece,classmate,friend,neighbor,human. I open my eyes,wash my face,dress up,eat,go to school,hang out with friends,pay the bills,do my neighbor's son's homeworks (this one sucks the most),get yelled at,be stared at,watch TV,get some time alone...I can't even list them all down,but they are the same things I do each day.Sometimes I don't complain,what right have I?But time wears me off each day,scraping my skin,making me more vulnerable than I already am.I get bored too.Easily.

I hate having petty problems.I just run away from them.I hate thinking,and I hate not having something to think about.I am a pothead-I am not proud of that-I am just stating.My mind is the spontaneous kind.I have a short attention span,and I am much too stubborn to stay in place for a fraction of time.

That's what gives me most of my problems.It's not hard for me to lose connection with friends,even loved ones.When time comes that they cannot provide me with something new anymore,I just give up.I stifle a yawn and walk away.

There are also times when I'm utterly bored with something or someone but I just can't give up.Mainly because I don't want to.This is where my headaches start.

It feels like holding back a tear when there's really nothing you can do about it.It will still fall anyway,no matter the effort you exert to not let it stream down your face.I spend so many nights thinking about the blankness that embraced me since I let go.I know that was the right choice,as right as I can ever be.But somehow,it just felt so wrong.Remember when they say 'trust your instincts'?That's what I did when I waved goodbye.My instincts told me that was right.Now I'm not so sure anymore.My instincts are now asking me to go back,dial yesterday and tell my lips to warn myself to never walk away.What can I do now?It's too late.

So early mornings I stay awake,waiting for sleep to consume me,most of the time,it didn't.I tried reading,listening to soft music..what have I got?Dark circles under my eyes.Puffy eyebags.Dizziness.Constant headaches.I tries getting rid of it with paracetamol,ibuprofen,everything.What have I got?

Headaches.
Pain.

And the only cure is the one who caused them.

Ironic much?

Words I Can't Say

I don't know what's with me these days.

I find it hard to express myself.

Even my entries don't stay connected to the topic.
Somehow,I always slip.

I feel so empty.Here we go again.

I go to bed at around 4:00 in the morning every single night.
My eyes won't close even if I force them to.I feel cold.I feel like running somewhere far away.I feel like getting lost in a trance.I'm like a drugged teen when I don't even know drugs.

I feel tired,physically,emotionally.I'm so drained out of emotions.I don't want to deal with the problems...if I could just disappear,like a smoke.

I want to talk to someone,anyone..I feel like I'm losing my mind,but I dared not to.I don't want to burden anyone with myself.The world has bigger problems,but I can't help but be selfish.Why can't I cry?Am I this hard now?All I can do is stare.

Someone asks me if I'm okay,I stare and nod.Someone tells a joke,I stare and fake a smile.Someone offers me something,I stare.God,where am I?Is this still me?

Heavy sighs.I want to snap out of this.I want to be happy.I want to be normal.I want to go out,have fun..but I can't.Somehow it doesn't feel so right.

There Was No Such Thing as a Dream COme True

I used to say "I'd marry him someday".

Back then,I was so sure of myself.I was so sure of how I felt.I was in love.

Then I fell out.

How do you tell someone how you don't love them anymore,when you know they're still counting on you?When you don't want to hurt them...and unintentionally,you do?

Who am I to say I'm sick of all these,when it is my fault in the first place?I made a choice and I chose to not lie-now I have to deal with the consequences.

It's really hard to go on with your life like everything's fine,when there's something behind that you just can't go on without,even if you know it just exists to hurt you.Reason is for the mind.The heart knows no reason,only emotion.When you listen to your heart,it tells you how good it feels with that someone around.When you consult your mind,it states the fact that you just might get hurt.

Being human that we are,void of any reason,living for emotions,we do not stop and weigh the options.As long as it makes us happy,we grab every chance we have to have it.If in the end it hurts us,would it matter?No,not really.Our excuse when our minds say "I told you so" would be the fact that we have no regrets in spite of all the pain.

When you got what you want,it would be a dream come true.No.There's no such thing as a dream come true.It did not just pop out in your head in the middle of a nap and walked out to reality.You did something to achieve it.You worked hard.It was a dream,but it is a dream you brought to life.It wouldn't just visit you when you are unconscious and appear there when you open your eyes.

You didn't just dream of him last night and found him telling you he loves you all along.Life would never be that easy.You got him because after you realized that you actually love him,you made a move.You made him notice you.Your mind said no,your heart said go.You followed your heart and you reached your goal,but in the end,you'll be left alone,or he'll leave you on your own.

That's life.
It sucks.

Friday, January 15, 2010

What Makes Me Happy

TRAVELING.

I love the feel of the cool air in my flushed cheeks.
I love the look of my wind blown hair.
I love the sunlight trying to blind my eyes.
I love the chirping birds,I love the dirt road.
I love the flowers as they dance with the wind.
I love the car horns blowing madly at each other.
I love the country song playing on the radio.
I love stopping by the roadside to lay on the grass.
I love seeing random people doing random things.
I love hearing the river flow as the water launches itself on the rocks.
I love the smell of fresh mud,farmers flowing their beloved land.
I love the mountains,I love the trees.
I love the provinces and the cities.
I love nature,I love the view.
I especially love traveling with you.

>_~ cheesy..

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Ice Creams Melt,Balloons Fly,and I Always End Up Holding Nothing in My Hands

I once read a quote about how a child in the park is holding an ice cream cone in one hand,a balloon in the other.Standing under the sun,the child accidentally loosens her grip on the balloon,thus it flies away,leaving the child crying over the loss.While she spent her time wallowing in misery over the lost balloon,the ice cream in her other hand remained unnoticed until she felt it melting because of the heat.Now,she is left with nothing.She cold have been comforted by the ice cream but she never gave it a chance and just let it melt away,all the while crying over the balloon.

The lesson?Never take anything for granted.

When I fall in love,I become stupid.Stupid enough that I wouldn't let go even if it starts the end of the world.When I fall in love,I do everything.My world would start revolving around the only person who means everything to me.

In my opinion,love makes people self centered.The only thing we care about is the person whose smile makes our day.The person whose words we abide like law.The person whose scent we want to breathe.People like me are like that little girl in the park.Their loved ones may be like the balloon,a red one.Who is the ice cream,then?The ice cream is the most pathetic yet romantic person on earth.The one you wouldn't want to hurt,but end up hurting anyway,because you can't give them what they want.Because you let them melt in the sun.Because you can't let go of the balloon.

The Little Girl

I stand alone,looking up in the sky.I see my balloon flying high.I cried,but it just passed me by.I tried to reach for it bit it is much too far now.Too far,I can't catch it now.Too far,my balloon is just a dot in the sky.Too far,it got so high.As I threw it my last loving glance,I whispered to myself,"there went my everything."

Once upon a time,I fell in love.I would have said I am a princess who met my prince at a faraway castle,but I most definitely am not.I would love to say "and we lived happily ever after",but my story is not a fairy tale.Mine is one that ends up tragically.

Just like the little girl in the park,I paid attention to my lost balloon,knowing that the ice cream is still there.I needed to grieve over something terrible so I did.Love is a complex emotion.It is wonderland when shared by two,but sometimes it just doesn't go that way.Someone falls out while someone's still in.Someone says he has to leave,because he isn't in love anymore.He left you alone in Wonderland,and suddenly,all the princesses died.All the castles got blown away and the flowers withered.Snow White was deserted by the Seven Dwarfs,and Belle's beast was nowhere to be found.Suddenly,it's just you.The land of fairy tales and Knights in Shining Armors in your head became a witch's cave.Everything colorful went gray,even the rainbow deprived you of the pot of gold.He leaves you alone with just a goodbye and a broken heart,and what could you do?You deny yourself the fact that he doesn't love you anymore.You feed your heart with insanity and false hopes,expecting him to come knocking on the door.But he wouldn't.

The pain won't let you move.It wouldn't heal.Time will make you used to the pain until you can bear to live again.But you still miss your balloon.You still stand there,under the heat of the scorching sun,sweat and all under your palm,your head tilted up the sky,following his path.You never paid attention to the melting ice cream in your hand because he is still there.You are not hungry or thirsty so you don't need him yet.

Finally,the sun rose higher up in the sky,burning your throat with a strong desire for something cold.You reach out to your ice cream and what do you find?A pool of sticky milk and cheese-it is already melted.Now that your ice cream is already gone,you miss it.You blame yourself for crying over a balloon that wouldn't come back down to you.You wish you didn't waste your time ignoring the ice cream in your hand,waiting for you to turn to him for comfort.He is gone now,because he got tired of waiting for you.

The Balloon

She loves me.I am her everything.What I want,I get.She holds on to me like her life depended on it.She tied her hand to the string that connected us.She tied herself to me.But it is my nature to go and find where I belong.I don't want to be stuck there tied to her.So I flew away from her.Looking down,I can see her tears.They sparkle at the edge of her cheek as the sunlight kissed it.I saw her cry,but I can't go back now.I have to fly,so fly I did..

Once upon a time,I fell in love.She was the princess and I was the frog.Without her,I wouldn't have been me.She made me the best that I can ever be.She kissed away all the ugliness in me.She gave me her eyes,her heart.I was enjoying the spotlight.But I found a better audience,so off I went and left her alone.

I know how miserable she'd become after I went away.She refused to be comforted,and she waited only for me.But I had no plans of coming back.I'm enjoying the way I am free now.No limits,no boundaries.I can feel the air blowing through my hair.It felt nice to be free.I do not regret anything.

Before her,I was a nobody.She was my hero.She gave me everything,but everything's not enough.I need more,and she has nothing more to give,so I escaped.

I decided to look for something or someone better,so off I flew,destination unknown.I went higher and higher,opting for the blinding sunlight.As I got nearer,I was burnt,but I didn't mind.I wanted to go to the top,the highest I can achieve.Like gravity,the grandiose of that light pulled me closer.Closer,I can feel the glory.I pushed myself closer to victory's surface-finally I succeeded...I heard a pop,and the last thing I know,I'm on my way down the ground.

The Ice Cream

It was a hot afternoon.She laid her hands on me and for a second,I forgot everything.She was standing there,holding on to me when a man approached her and gave her a balloon.A shiny red one,I reckon.Instantly, her face lit up with the sweetest smile I've ever seen.From that moment on,I was forgotten.

Once upon a time,I fell in love.In a story like this,I would be the ice cream-the biggest loser of all.I was meant to make her feel better when she is hurt.Her balloon just flew away-stupid bastard-and that made her cry.The sound of her weeping broke my heart,or my cone,I should say,because I'm the f*cking ice cream.

I heard her faint sobs and I couldn't do a thing about it.She was hurt,so I gave her some time to cry.I patiently waited for her to move on and accept the fact that he was gone,but as time passed by,it got worse.

What hurt me most was the fact that I was there,I could've made her feel better but she didn't give me any chance to.I was knocking,but the door was never opened,it was even bolted.Still,I waited outside,for her to call me and ask me to make all the pain go away.I could've done that.I whiled away the time,hoping one day she'd look at me.I was the ice cream.I was screaming at her to look at me,have a taste and she'll feel better.I was asking her to see me for the first time,I wanted to make her see that I'd consume myself to soothe the pain she felt,but she grew distant.

I promised myself I'd wait.I said unlike the ice cream,I would never melt.I would always be there for her.But I was the ice cream,and when you're the ice cream,you have no choice but to melt.

For the last time,I waited for a chance to love her.The pain was like the heat of the sun-it burned my heart.All the pain I felt in waiting was buried deep inside me,melting the ice cream in me little by little,until one day,she finally gave me the chance I'd been asking for so long.She looked at me with love and I saw my reflection in her eyes.By then she knew the answer.She can't consume me anymore.The pain had won and I was melted.

It felt so good to melt in her hands.
At least she knew I waited-she's just too focused on the balloon that she never noticed me before the sun turned me into someone I don't recognize.

************************************************************************
Representations:

The Little Girl-a girl who fell deeply in love with someone who doesn't love her back and takes for granted that other someone who loves her.In the end,she realizes that she loves him too but she realized it a little too late.

The Balloon-The lucky bastard with whom the girl fell in love with.He takes her for granted and moves on to find someone better but in the end,he ends up being hurt,just like what he did to the girl.

The Ice Cream-The other guy who loves the girl so much but is taken for granted.He waits for her but she doesn't give him a chance till it's too late.He lets himself be destroyed by pain and that ends up his love for her.When he has finally decided to go,the girl then decides to give him the chance he was asking for but it's too late.

**Ending:

They did not live happily ever after but they all learned their lessons. >_~

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

My Hero:"Dad"



Vividly,I see you in my dream.You were there,you are here.I wish I could feel you..before you drift away..

I was never a daddy's girl.When he was alive,my father was the authority in our home.What he says,we do.That used to be the situation.

As a child who never really grew up with my parents,I was afraid of him.I was informally adopted by my grandmother since I was two,that's how I like to put it.

When I was young,my father used to walk me out in the streets.He was a young father.He had me when he was 18,I guess.He would always ask me if I want some "sorbetes" (ice cream) and I would say yes,thinking he was offering me beer ("serbesa").I loved those days with him,we were nearly always apart with him working in Manila,he only went home every once in a while and I really missed him a lot when he was away.

Coming home from work,he would always buy me things like pencils and rulers which made me happy.I was a bright child so he always bought me school supplies.

When I was eight,Mom went to work abroad.My sister and I were left to my grandmother's care,since Dad spent most of his time going from one place to another,what he did,I didn't know,or maybe I didn't want to know.He would go home carrying grocery bags for us to consume.One time,he took us to the cinema to watch E.T.That's one real reason why I like that movie.It's the only memory I have of us ever going out as a family.

We often visited my mother's parents when we have time.Even if I was just a child,I was never oblivious to the tension between Dad and my grandfather.They do not like each other,I supposed.On one of our visits,I accidentally read a letter addressed to my uncle.It was from my mother.It almost made me cry when I read it,but I tried hard to stop the tears and I succeeded.She was detailing how my father spent the money she sent us on other women and vices.It was like my father was labeled very bad,and it hurt me.It hurt me to know that my parents' marriage is on the verge of breaking down and I could only do nothing.

After that incident,I was a wreck.I didn't talk to anyone about it,and it felt heavier on my chest as time ticked by.

When I was in sixth grade,we came to live again in our almost forgotten house with Dad.I never spoke to him directly unless he was asking me a question.Whenever I have school projects or whatever it is I need,I asked my sister to tell him.That was how our lives were.I knew he was there,yet I didn't seem to care.

I graduated from Elementary with honors and he was the one to go on stage with me.I've got six medals,and I knew he was beaming with pride.I'm happy that he was proud of me.I took the High School entrance exam in CLSU and of all my friends who took the exam,I was the only one to pass.He was very proud of me that day.

The only thing he said that I couldn't get off my head was that whoever takes interest on me should face him first.That very moment,I felt protected.I was able to tell myself that I had a father.

One night,he went home drunk.We were hopping into bed when he asked for a goodnight kiss.We politely obliged and he asked me to make him a coffee.I did.Being drunk that he was,he talked nonsense and started shouting at us.I was really scared.He got into a fight with my aunts,and my aunts took us away,fearing that we might have trauma.That day,I swore to myself that I'll strive hard to be a nurse someday.I was very mad at him that if he would get sick because of drinking and chain smoking,I'd be snob enough not to treat him.I felt tears running down my cheek and I felt stronger when I wiped them away.

A month passed and we haven't talked to him.He came to my grandmother's house begging us to come home with him as he was getting lonely.My grandmother begged us too,to give him another chance for he is our father after all.Scared,we said no.

The next day,he asked us again.We said no again,and he went away drinking with his friends.That night,as I was eating my dinner,a neighbor rushed into my grandmother's house saying my father got into an accident.For a minute,I didn't move.I felt my eyes get hot and suddenly,tears were streaking my face.My aunts went to the scene and left us at home.I sat there staring at my food while our neighbors said everything would be fine.I believed them.

On his second day at the hospital,my family were going to visit.I wanted to go but I have a major exam that day so I wasn't able to go.The day quickly passed and I was going home again.I can still remember the song playing in the radio as I was on my way home.It was "Broken Vow" by Lara Fabian.I could relate to the lyrics and it made me want to cry.

As I walked down the street,I could feel eyes staring at me.In those eyes,I could see pity.I had the idea running in my head but I kept denying it.He's alright,I told myself.What made me more suspicious was when our family's friend asked me to come with her on our house-my father's house.I asked her why.She said just because.I obliged and soon enough,I can see it.I saw the men struggling to plant the bamboo poles in the ground.I saw the chairs and tables all lined up.I saw my grandmother crying.I ran to her,throwing my stuff on the ground.I cried,but I found no comfort.It was my fault.And he was gone.

All these time,I never have forgiven myself for causing my father's death.Although we didn't have a strong bond,we didn't have the chance to be a daughter and a father to each other,deep inside me,in my blood,in my mind,in the punctured hole through my chest,I loved him.I love him.I wouldn't ask for a different father if I'd have a chance to have one again.He is my hero.he might have not been showy about it,but he loved me,he loved us.He gave us what we needed.He never laid a hand on me.He had always been proud of me and I didn't see that.All I saw was my grief over our miserable family.I never thought about how it might have been hurting him too.I felt awful,I still do.Everytime I see my grandmother's defeated expression for the lost of her favorite son,her only son that she loved so much,I feel guilty.Everytime I see my sister,all I think about is the fact that I took away the father she had always needed.I blame myself for not coming home when he asked me to.I wish I wasn't so stubborn.I wish I could have been there when he needed me the most.I wish I was there in the hospital during the last moments of his life.I wish I was able to ask him to come home with us.I wish I've had the chance to take him home.I wish I said I love him.Things might have been different..

Words Hardly Fail,But Somehow,Sometimes,They are Not Enough.


No,I can't run from the past.
I'm holding on to a dream that won't last.

And now it's too late.
Time did not wait.
Baby,it's better left unsaid.

I wish that you somehow knew
that deep inside,

I feel the same way too.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

It All Just Makes Me Smile*

When a girl blushes when a guy's name is mentioned,it's sweet.
When a guy blushes when a girl's name is mentioned,it's priceless.

I don't know why I always catch myself smiling absentmindedly when a guy does certain things because or for a girl,even if that lucky girl's not me.

I really,really,really tend to fall hard for sweet guys.I guess it's safe to say that I myself am a sweet girl,so I just want to get what I deserve.When it comes to loving,I'm all out.Anything for the one I love,without expecting for anything in return..not expecting,but definitely hoping.

So here is a list of guys' gestures and characteristics that will probably make me want to say "I think I could die now" or just melt right there,right then.(I'm slightly materialistic,yes,so it helps if a guy's well off.*wink*)

1.Flowers on plain and ordinary days.

--I love this one!Especially when I asked him what those flowers were for and he just shrugged and said "I just remembered you when I saw them." The flowers?White roses.*Gush*

2.Formal lunch/dinners.
--I'm materialistic,I already said that didn't I?So yeah..This just helps.It's every girl's dream,although of course no one would be brave and spoiled enough to admit it aside from me.

3.A guy's polo shirt/plain shirt over my head.

--Sounds stupid,right?But I would love to have my guy's oversized shirt and put it on for bedtime.I think that would be really cute..and it would make me feel like a part of him is always with me.Just thinking about it makes me giddy.Ha-ha

4.Faux Proposals
--Even if you're just kidding.Just ask me.Even if you have no actual pricey engagement ring.Even a plastic one will do,for God's sake.I just want you to assure me that you want to be with me for the rest of our lives.Uhm..that's corny.But yeah,I really like stuff like this.Maybe because a lot of guys wouldn't even consider doing things like this.But for me,even if you don't end up marrying me in the future,I would appreciate it that you once planned and wanted to.What matters most is that you meant it at that time.

5.The Feared "Meet the Parents" day.
--Honestly,I'm a little touchy on this subject.I've had suitors who introduced me to their parents before even courting me.I appreciate that.That really helps.At least I know what to expect.I was in a relationship with someone for a long period of time.And when I say long period of time,I'm talking about years,not months or whatever.I don't ever recall being introduced to his family within our first year.I didn't even have the chance to meet his mother personally.I never asked him to introduce me to them but deep inside,it made me feel miserable.I felt like something's wrong with me,and he's ashamed of me that's why he won't do it.That wrecked my ego.I felt really bad about myself-it even feels awkward writing about it now.I never really admitted it to myself and it really hurts until now.I was like,he thinks I'm ugly,fat,and every negative word Webster could ever offer.He once talked me into meeting his parents though,but I felt the familiar tone of hesitation in his message so I reluctantly declined and said we'll do that when he is ready (all the while I was praying in my head,"please say you're ready", "please convince me",and he never did.)That was really painful and I never got over it.

5.Constant Recognition of Occasions
--Sure,sure.I love it when someone wishes me a happy birthday.Especially my guy.But..come on!Don't you have anything for me?Anything?Not even a single cheap birthday card?I only celebrate my birthday once a year and of course,I'm hoping for something.Although I'd tell you how I don't want you to spend money for a present for me.Are you stupid enough to believe me?I love presents.I love surprises.As they say,it's the thought that counts.I don't care if it only cost you ten bucks.I don't care if it only cost you five minutes.For crying out loud,I don't care whatever you give me,be it earthworm or a patch of dirt or a pile of rubbish.Just put it in a nice wrapper.Or tie it with a ribbon.Or if you're really broke,write me a love letter.Or if you're not a poet,go get that Godda*ned guitar of yours and sing me a love song.Just please make my birthday memorable.Not necessarily unforgettable,just memorable.This also applies to Valentines' Day, Christmas, and other f*cking Holidays and occasions that lovers celebrate.

7.Good Mornings and Good Nights
--Yes,you are obligated to greet me when you wake up and before you sleep.Please do add something like "enjoy your day" and "see you in my dreams". God,how much does it cause you to act sweet?Nothing,right? You're not ashamed to tell me you love me,you might as well prove it.That says everything.

8.TRUST!
--I hate jealous guys.My ex (guess who among of them) always accused me of having a relationship with my friends,which really sucks,cause as I have mentioned,I am really sweet,even to my friends.Well yeah he has the right to be jealous cause I am his,but couldn't he have asked me first about what's going on,and give me some little chance to explain my side instead of just jumping into conclusions?I love the feeling of being taken care of,the feeling of knowing that someone's actually afraid of losing you,but I am also just as human as you are,I have lungs,I have a heart that pumps blood into my veins in order for me to live.Guess what my heart needs?Yeah.AIR.Do not deprive me of some room to breathe.Make me miss you every once in a while,or else it'd be too easy for me to let go.And never ask me to choose between you and my friends.Guess who sticks around when you're busy pissing me off?When you're the one who made me cry,guess who spends the day watching me mope around and listening to my overrated stories with uttermost patience?Yes,they do.So go to heaven if you will,I'll stay with them in hell.

9.Sweet Little Things
--You might think otherwise,but I do notice it when you look at me when you think I'm not looking,and I might hate to admit it,but it makes me giddy.When you tuck my hair behind my ear,it makes me feel beautiful and loved.When you say you hate seeing me cry,it makes me want to cry because I am touched.When you eat my favorite food even if you really don't like it,but eat it you will,just for my sake,it makes me love you more.When you tolerate me and my smug attitude,it proves you love me whoever or whatever I am.And when I am babbling endlessly about how I hate you for hurting me and out of nowhere you'd say "I love you" and mean it,it makes me lost for words and reminds of the million little reasons why I can't live without you.


**I'm not inspired. :(**

These are all b*llsh*t.
I just want you stupid idiotic guys to regret everything you did if you ever made a mistake that relates to the things I said.
Tell me if you're regretting anything now.
Hell,I would definitely get a kick out of that!




A Bunch of Random and Senseless Nothings that I Enjoyed Doing Today.

Decorated and organized my bedside table-cause it's my favorite side of the room-yeah,that's Ashley Greene in one of the frames.Love her eh?

This is the backside of my New Moon Alice Cullen tee.I had it printed at Sticky Avenue.Good service!The man even asked me to "come again soon and he will give me a discount".LOL he wasn't able to give me a discount cause his coworkers are there and they'd already made me pay.Too bad.


My Alice Cullen Tee.I love it!It cost me Php450.00 but it's totally worth it.Besides, it's Php2000+ in online stores.I just had it customized to save a lot of money.Goo!


P.S.
I'M BETTING ON ALICE!

Here I Go Again with This Stupid Feeling

Dear Heart,

I would really appreciate it if you'd just tell me what or who it is you want instead of giving me sleepless nights.It would make everything better.I know,I would love him too (whoever he is) if you do,just please give me an idea of who he is or what it is we're both longing for so that my eyes can just close for a while without tears streaming down..I feel all used up dealing with this blankness that embraces me.I feel cold.I don't know how to warm myself up.I don't know what to do anymore.








Monday, January 11, 2010

Can't Get Over This.Might As Well Share It.

The first time I Loved forever..
Was when you whispered my name
And I knew at once you Loved me
For the me of whom I am

The first time i loved forever
I cast all else aside
And i bid my heart to follow
Be there no more need to hide

And if wishes and dreams..
Are merely for children
And.. if loves a tale for fools
I'll live the dream with you.
For all my life and forever..
There's a truth i will always know
When my world divides and shatters..
Your love is where i'll go

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Oh Sh*t.This just didn't happen.

Sometimes,numbness is worse than pain. I often find myself unable to sleep at night-that's because of the numbness that seems to seep in my veins.It makes me want to wish to actually have a bedroom window-this room feels suffocating at times like this.

Once or twice,I'd turn the lights on just to make sure I'm still here.The coldness and the darkness don't help of course,I don't feel at home.I do feel tired though,and there's nothing I could do but cope until I get it over with.

I sit up,try to listen to my surroundings and all I hear are the crickets and the soft blow of the breeze outside-just nature taking a breath.I wish I could see the moon from here.That would be better than curling up with a pillow,trying to fall asleep to no avail.God,I can't even think clearly.My mind is clouded with random thoughts that simply mean nothing. This is numbness.Worse than pain.

I wish I could just feel pain.At least I would have a reason to be upset about something.Frustratingly enough,there's nothing.I don't know if my blood still courses through my veins.I don't know if I still have pulse beats,but I definitely am breathing...and it's really uncomfortable,annoying,to feel upset about something I don't recognize.I feel madness,regret,longing..they're all resurfacing,but for what?That I can't answer.

I tried putting these stupid earphones on and listen to some achy music and it only got worse.I'm longing for something. Something's missing-a part of me..Something I can't go on without.Something I've lost without realizing its absence.

What the f*ck is that something?

I have no f*cking idea!

I started screaming in my head.


And then,as I was about to pinch myself cause maybe I'm just dreaming,

...realization hit me.

I don't want to believe it.


Can this be love?

A Proof of My Profane Stupidity

I hate it when my friends fight because of me.I don't hate my friends for putting up a fight-I hate myself for being the reason of the fight.Clearly,am I worth the stress and anxiety?Who am I to bring them to situations like this?

Basically,the only problem was mine.Yeah,I am a trouble bearer.I am the trouble bearer.

I met up with my friends early today.We had a lunch date-that's what we call it when we hang out,a date.We always come in a group so no one feels left out.

I instantly occupied the table at the far most end of the cafe-this is our usual spot.Because we have a usual table,I have a usual seat that is the seat in the corner against the wall,giving me a fair view of what's happening outside.As our boyfriends(that's what we call our guy friends) piled out to order,my girlfriends and I had this small talk about our love lives.Uh well,to be honest,we just talked about MY lovelife,since all of them are annoyingly happy and contented with theirs.
"So how's it going with you and ________(our friend too)?"Mimi asked me. I just stared at her like an idiot..Cause I don't know what to say.cause really,things are fine with him and me,but no,we are not together.And he says he loves me,but I'm not sure if I love him.So yeah..I don't want to lead him on.They kept on asking questions and I keep on just staring and smiling.What a dumbass i am.

A while later the boys came really quietly which made me suspicious.And I was right.they heard what I was saying.He heard me say "no,we're not together and i don't think that would happen anytime soon cause i'm not yet sure about how i feel,and the guys might be just betting on me."

Exactly!Me and my stupid mouth.The guys heard that and they never said anything.they just looked at me with hate filled eyes and the girls kept on defending me..Which I think i don't deserve..

So that was how my day went,with me ruining our lunch and making my girls fight with their boyfriends because of me. I wish the Earth would just swallow me whole and never let me live again.

Sleep Playlist

Carry You Home-James Blunt
Feels Like Home-Edwina Haynes
1234-Plain White Tees
Possibility-Lykke Li
A White Demon Love Song-The Killers
If My Heart was a House-Owl City
Bless the Broken Road-Rascall Flats
Amazing-Regina Spektor
Kiss the Rain-Yiruma
Can't Find the Words to Say Goodbye-M.Y.M.P.
Two is Better than One-BLG ft. Taylor Swift
Half of my Heart-John Mayer ft. Taylor Swift
The Best Day-Taylor Swift
Smother Me-The Used
Deathbed-Relient K
Awake-Seconhand Serenade
Life is Beautiful-vega4
Angels-Augustana
Run-Leona Lewis
I Miss You-Incubus
Learn You Inside Out-Lifehouse
Flightless Bird,American Mouth-Iron and Wine
Don't Say Goodbye,Say Goodnight-Binoculars

stupid feeling.

I want to cry.I don't know why.I was just listening to sad songs then suddenly,I feel the need to cry without reason.It's so frustrating,it makes me want to cry more. :(

Saturday, January 9, 2010

When Black Gets Mixed with White,Everything Turns Gray

What I mean is, when friendship turns to love,everything goes wrong.

Some people say that love's best foundation is friendship.First you become friends,and the rest is history.Love stories of this kind often last forever.They say mainly because you have come to know each other that you grow comfortable together.But I wonder what happens when you fall in love with a friend who doesn't feel the same?

POSSIBILITY I:
You would suppress your feelings and just keep it to yourself, knowing it would destroy your friendship.
Most people do this because it's the safest option we have.The risks are surely not worth a shot,knowing that when you tell him you love him and he doesn't love you back,something will change.Whether one or both of the parties admit or deny it,clearly,your comfort with each other will never be the same.He or you might not be able to look at each other without feeling betrayed or hurt,thus ruining the friendship.Some people satisfy themselves with friendship,than nothing at all.


POSSIBILITY II:
You would tell him your true feelings and end up getting hurt.
Just like what I said in the first possibility,just because you love someone doesn't mean he loves you back.You get the picture,someone's in love,someone clearly just wants the friendship,so conflicts start building up in the surface.Someone gets their hopes up that someday,the other one might fall for her too if she just tried hard enough to make him,while he assumes that someday she might just fall out of love and find someone new.

POSSIBILITY III:
You would tell him your true feelings,and find out that he feels the same.
Ahh.The joy of happy endings. So you tell him you love him,and voila!God loves you so much that this boy loves you back.If this is what happens,isn't it so worth it to try and tell him while you have the chance?After all,you are friends with him,you don't have to pretend to be someone else around him.You just might hope that you will have your own line of "and they live happily ever after" in the book of your lives.

POSSIBILITY IV:

You would not tell him you love him for fear of losing a friend,little did you know that he loves you too,but he won't tell you for fear of losing you as a friend.
This could be the saddest love story in time.This is the point where I would like to bang two people's heads together to wake them up to reality.When you love someone,why would you fear anything?What do you lose by telling them?Everybody likes being adored,though no one will admit it (no one except me,I guess).How will you know the way it will turn out if you never tried?If it ends up badly,go on with your life,at least you wouldn't spend the rest of it wondering of what might have been.If it turns out to be good,how would you feel?Indescribable.You will realize in the end that everything's worth fighting for.You don't lose unless you quit.If you tried,even if you lose something,you know you will always win.You will always have something to gain.

If My Heart was a House

This song warms my heart.Everytime I hear it,I find no reason not to fall in love.It's so romantic..Tsk..

You're the sky that I fell through
And I remember the view
Whenever I'm holding you
The sun hung from a string
Looking down on the world as it warms over everything
Chills run down my spine
As our fingers entwine
And your sighs harmonize with mine
Unmistakably
I can still feel your heart beat fast when you dance with me
We got older and I should've known (Do you feel alive?)
That I'd feel colder when I walk alone (Oh, but you'll survive)
So I may as well ditch my dismay
Bombs away, bombs away

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully
Back and forth
If my heart was a compass you'd be north
Risk it all cause I'll catch you when you fall
Wherever you go
If my heart was a house you'd be home

It makes me smile because you said it best
I would clearly feel blessed if the sun rose up from the west
Flower balm perfume, all my clothes smell like you
Cause your favorite shade is navy blue
I walk slowly when I'm on my own (Do you feel alive?)
Yeah, but frankly I still feel alone (Oh, but you'll survive)
So I may as well ditch my dismay
Bombs away, bombs away

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully
Back and forth
If my heart was a compass you'd be north
Risk it all cause I'll catch you when you fall
Wherever you go
If my heart was a house you'd be home

If my heart was a house you'd be home


HERE

Busy Keeping Myself from Falling in Love

Seriously,how do we do that?I'm not some emotional genius who can talk to my giddy heart and say stop,stop right there if you don't want to get hurt.Instinctively,my heart won't.Cause I'm stupid.Cause I love the feeling of being in love,of being loved.It feels wonderful.Yuck.That's so corny.

But really,as Rosalie Hale said in one of those Twilight books,"admiration is like air to me".That's what it's like to me,too.It's nice to be admired.But then time will come,admiration will be reciprocated.By me.Ugh!!I hate this feeling.I don't want to fall..yet.At least not now.

I need more time to think things through.Last time I feel without looking,I got stuck with a jerk.A jerk who wanted to be everything to me,yet kept on making me feel like I was nothing to him.A trophy girlfriend.What.A.Jerk.I don't want that experience to repeat itself.I don't want to be with someone who claims to be a prince and turns out to be the villain.But as I said,my heart is stupid.I am stupid.I don't know who's more stupid,me or my heart?Maybe it's me,cause I'm the one who gives in to the flutters of my stupid heart.So yeah,that makes me even more stupid.Holy cow.

I wish I could tell who's worth loving.Ha!As if my stupid heart could even differentiate jerks from prices when I'm already in love.Wait,can my mind do that?I guess not.Cause I'm stupid too,and that makes my mind stupid as well.

Whatever.Even if I am stupid,and even if he turns out to be a jerk,he will be a lucky jerk if I fail from keeping myself from falling in love.I am just a girl.A girl who loves flowers,compliments,little somethings and time together.Those things pull me deeper,but at the end of the day,it will be wit,honesty,love,care,and that look in his eyes that makes me want to believe everything he says that will win me over.


P.S.
I am stupid.
He might be a jerk.
--Perfect combination.




Oh yeah,perfect.