Friday, December 27, 2013

My grandma has cancer, and she doesn't know yet. They went for a dialysis a few weeks back, and today, my aunt got the results and told us.

I tried not to cry. I was cutting cake. I wasn't expecting that moment to be something so tragically unforgettable, but it was.

The thing is, just yesterday, life was so simple. My sister and I were in my grandpa's farm, spending some time with my mother's family. There was food when we wanted to eat, and there was laughter and relaxation and pure bliss. And then today, we went home, ate ice cream, watched some cartoons, and the bomb dropped.

I wish I could turn my back on this information. I wish my whole life, so carefully unfolding before me, wasn't irrevocably altered by this hurtful, offensive truth. I wish I didn't feel like bursting to tears every time I look at my grandmother, so frail, yet still the strongest woman in the world. I wish there was some way to make this all just a stupid mistake. I wish there was one specific day I could choose to bring back, but it's all mixed in and nothing special really stands out.

The battle has already began, but the warrior is still without her armor. I'm scared of losing her. She's the one constant thing in my life; my comfort. But eventually, she must go. And if there's any chance of her winning this war, then I'll wage everything to be on her side. But if it's hopeless, if in fate it has been written that she surrenders in the end, then I hope God takes her quick, skipping all the pain. If anyone in the world doesn't deserve an ounce of pain, it's her.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

I need to cut you out of my life completely. I need to realize that we, contrary to what I so decidedly believed, were not meant to fit each other as perfectly as we did. I need you to go and to never look back, or maybe you already have, and I need to stop looking for you. I need to stop searching for your eyes in every face in the crowd. I need to stop listening for the swooshing wind, to stop waiting for my surroundings to freeze, to stop expecting to accidentally bump into you on every corner of this cruel, unpleasant world that seems to be stretching the miles between us, so stubbornly keeping us apart. I need to stop. I need to let go, and move on, and just stop looking for you, because if you wanted to be with me, you'd be here by now.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Feeling ko talaga, nakakasurvive lang tayo dahil sa temporary amnesia.

Naniniwala ako na lahat tayo, nagkakaroon nyan at some point. May mga bagay kasi na masyadong masakit, at walang ibang makakahilom dun sa pain na yun kung hindi ang paglimot, no matter the time frame.

May mga ala-ala na pilit nating ibabaon. Unti-unti, hanggang sa magising tayo isang araw under a false security blanket na finally, okay na lahat.

Kailan ba naging okay lahat? One way or another, life sucks, and the earlier you accept that, the easier it will be for you to dodge the oncoming bullets of tragedy, or emotional violence, in the sacred name of self preservation.

Sino ba naman ang may gustong mabuhay na araw-araw nasasaktan? Definitely not us, humans. Pero minsan, wala naman tayong choice.

Eto, I'll be honest here. Kagagaling ko lang sa Facebook account ko, and unfortunately, may mga messages dun na binasa ko na sana pala, hindi ko na ulit binuksan. Pwede naman i-delete, kaso hindi ko rin kaya. Duwag ako eh. Baka kasi yun na lang talaga yung pwede kong panghawakan to someday prove na once upon a time, may puso ako.

Anyway...those messages were nothing special. Most of them, puro "hi" lang. Almost all of them unanswered. Yung iba, two to three years ago pa. Napapaisip ako ngayon, nung time na yun, sobrang busy ko ba talaga at hindi ko man lang nasagot kahit isa? O sinadya ko talagang iwasan sya?

Hanggang ngayon kasi, naaalala ko pa. Yun yung sinasabi nila pag nagmahalan kayo ng sobra, sobra din kayong magkakasakitan. Ganun nga siguro yung nangyari. Nung una, hindi ko maimagine yung sarili ko na in love sa kanya. Pero nung di nagtagal, di ko na maimagine yung sarili ko na in love sa iba.

Pero wrong timing yata talaga. Ma-pride pa kasi kami pareho. At ako pa yung tipo ng tao na takot sa commitment, kaya mas lumalapit, tinutulak ko palayo. Hanggang sa napalakas yung pagkatulak ko, eh hindi na bumalik.

Looking back now, nakita ko na nag-effort naman pala sya. Maarte lang talaga ako. Umayaw lang talaga ako, at believe it or not, that was the one time that I was able to teach myself to move on. Hindi ko kaya noon, pero ginusto ko. Doon ko unang narealize na lahat kayang gawin ng isang taong nasaktan ng todo, walang limitations.

E bakit ang drama ko ngayon, diba? Ang tagal naman na nun. Wala lang. Ewan. Siguro dahil alam kong masaya na sya. Dahil selfish ako at ayoko yung pakiramdam na napalitan na ako, kahit gano pa katagal yun. Siguro dahil sa iilang beses na totoo akong naging masaya, karamihan dun kasama ko sya.

Siguro dahil December na naman. Masyadong maraming ala-ala.