Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year....Same Old Life.

This will be my last post not only for the month of December,but also for the year 2010. I've been on Blogger for a year, and I can say it has helped a lot in letting out my frustrations without harming anyone. LOL.

This year has been great. Unlike so many people who complain about it and are happy that 2010 is almost over, I am sad at its passing. 2011 is not my year,that I can tell you right now. There will be so much drama,and I will have a lot of explaining to do. I'm dreading it. Sometimes I wonder if maybe God loves me so much that he'll let me die before 2011. Obviously, it's not gonna happen.

Anyway, I don't want to talk about that stuff just yet. It's depressing. Maybe when I'm ready...

As I was saying,2010 has been one hell of a year. I've met a lot of new people this year,and they're already a part of me forever. That sounds corny, but really...I've found great friends,and I have no plans of throwing them away anytime soon. :)

My family has been beach crazy during the summer. We celebrated my birthday on the beach. We went to the beach a lot,period. I've seen Eclipse more than 10 times, and The Last Airbender in 3D. I have gone to Manila back and forth. How I love that city.

I've learned a lot from the 12 months that passed. I've learned that you can never fully trust anyone again once they've failed you. I've learned that no matter how much people say they love you, they're going to move on with their lives when that love goes unappreciated. Goodbyes hurt, but not as painful as the hellos you never had the chance to make. There are some people you wish you never knew...but deep down,you'll always be thankful for their presence in your life.

Sometimes, trials come, and we don't understand why they happen. The lessons come long after the storm is gone,most of the time. This year has taught me a lot to be strong; to learn to stand up by myself, to never be afraid of being who I am. I've seen almost all kinds of people. There are the traitors, the true friends, the liars, the people who live for others. Some of them have shown me that no matter how good you are, there will always be that one who treats you like trash, and if you're weak on the knees, you'll never last long. Despite all the pain I've gone through, I came out stronger than I ever was. I've learned that I'm never alone, and that there are people ready to take the fall for me.

As this year's end flashes before my eyes, all I can say is that just like every other year that passed, this one has been great in its own way. We have had our ups and downs, everybody goes through something sometimes. 2011 is our chance to be who we've always wanted to be on 2010. All we can do is make the best of it, for every second that passes is never coming back.

Happy New Year, everyone! Thank you for being the beautiful stars that give light to my way. I love you! <3

Saturday, December 25, 2010

So Far Down,Away From The Sun.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Just doing some reflections over the passing year. Days went by so quickly, and the time I'm dreading is about to come,and i know I can't stop it. I can't pretend everything's alright anymore, but I still do, because I like living in a perfect my head.

So I'm just sitting here on my bed,wearing my Santa hat, enjoying the darkness and the quiet, except for the occasional coughing fits. My throat is itchy, my back hurts, and I want to sleep, but I can't just let Christmas pass without giving thanks for everything I have right now.

Let this be a general letter to everyone whose hands touched my heart dearly this year. I can't name you all one by one, but if you're one of this people, you just know. I dn't have to tell you.

You have sheltered me from the fall. Heavy rain poured, and you didn't give me shed...You danced with me in the rain, and you made every minute of it worthwhile. Without you,where would I have been now?

When I think about all the bad things,I cry. But thinking about you makes me cry harder because you live in my heart,and your presence bears this certain scent that I smell each time loneliness strikes in. It makes me ache for your love,for your comforting words. Because when you say it will be ok, I know, I just know, it will be ok.

You're all that I am. Twelve months...maybe more,maybe less. It doesn't really matter to me how long I've known you. All I know is that you've been there since day 1, and you never left your place,not once.When you pass my thoughts,my heart fills with so much love for you. More love than anyone could ever wish for. When you cry,my heart shatters like glass. When you smile, my lips automatically stretch into one of my own. I share with you all my accomplishments, and in everything I do,you're with me.

I just want you to remember this when the world leaves you alone in the cold, I'm rubbing my palms together, blowing the warmth through the wind,wishing it reaches you. When everyone turns their backs on you, I'll be more than ready with a hug. When things seem to always go wrong,remember that I believe in you. I have faith in you.

It might not mean much, but I love you.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

I think we all have those days when all we want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

Here I sit, on the floor, wondering what to do with my life. If anything, my mind races with the same thought over and over again. What have I done with my life?

Last night was fantastic. I spent it with my friends, on the grass, under the stars, all huddled up against the cold December breeze, talking about our dreams. When reality hits, it hits you hard.

2010 has passed by rather quickly. I don't even remember most of it, but the memories I have are wonderful. This year has been great to me, and I wish it would extend a little more. I'm dreading 2011, but at the same time,I can't wait to see how the rest of my life unfolds. Our dreams...they seemed so vivid last night, I could almost touch them. I could almost hear my shoes clacking on the streets of New York, Paris, London. None of us could see ourselves staying in the Philippines in the future,and in all honesty, you can't blame us. Once you've grown to a place where all you see is sadness,darkness...You'd automatically walk and follow where the light seeps in.Eventually, you'd bask in it.

How weird it is,how one little thing can change a lot of things indirectly. I went to my Aunt's for dinner tonight,and I had to go back inside my house to grab a jacket because it was cold. As soon as I stepped out, all I wanted was to cry. The moon is currently shining really bright tonight, and the wind is cold. The light illuminates a certain glow on the street, on the watered rice fields, that kind of glow you see in the movies. It depresses me.

I wish people don't change. How I wish things don't, either. Why do we find something valuable if we're only going to lose them again? It doesn't make sense,and I don't think that's fair at all.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I'm Sorry For That Night.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?

We all have,at one point in our lives. Family, friends, lovers. I have loved someone so much that it hurt, and it still does. Sometimes, reality is the last place I want to be in.

K and I had a huge fight because of V. No, I'm not blaming V or K, or maybe even myself. It's no one's fault, but it hurts nonetheless. In a matter of a few hours,I've lost two important people in my life.

K for opening my roleplay account out of curiosity, and so he saw something he didn't want to see- V's tweets about having an accident or whatever that was. That account is a lie, and I know that,and I never intended to snoop on her business.It just so happened that K had, and he hates lies. A lot. And there are other people involved that he cares a lot about, so it got all complicated and came down to one thing after the other: I got mad at K, K got mad at me, I read all those tweets in question, got disappointed with a friend, and V blocked me.

I'm not even sure now if she'll ever speak to me again. I can handle not having K in my life. It will be hard, of course, but if it boils down to me having to choose, I'd rather have V.

Even if it feels like she'd rather not have me.

I'm fine,actually. I just feel empty. It's cold, and I'm not feeling it physically. It's so hard to stand when you don't know what else to believe in. You might be saying "Seann, shut the fuck up. It's role play."

Well yes,it's roleplay. But behind those characters are humans with feelings. Humans who escape the real world because it's shitty enough for them. I'm sorry. It's just that I stood up for her, and here I am, still lost them both. I guess it doesn't matter,anyway.

I'm still here though. Waiting for a simple hello,nothing else. Just give me that and it will all be fine. Things will fall back to the right places in time.

As for everyone else, be careful with what you say, but most of all, be careful with what you hear. The world is full of trickery.