Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year....Same Old Life.

This will be my last post not only for the month of December,but also for the year 2010. I've been on Blogger for a year, and I can say it has helped a lot in letting out my frustrations without harming anyone. LOL.

This year has been great. Unlike so many people who complain about it and are happy that 2010 is almost over, I am sad at its passing. 2011 is not my year,that I can tell you right now. There will be so much drama,and I will have a lot of explaining to do. I'm dreading it. Sometimes I wonder if maybe God loves me so much that he'll let me die before 2011. Obviously, it's not gonna happen.

Anyway, I don't want to talk about that stuff just yet. It's depressing. Maybe when I'm ready...

As I was saying,2010 has been one hell of a year. I've met a lot of new people this year,and they're already a part of me forever. That sounds corny, but really...I've found great friends,and I have no plans of throwing them away anytime soon. :)

My family has been beach crazy during the summer. We celebrated my birthday on the beach. We went to the beach a lot,period. I've seen Eclipse more than 10 times, and The Last Airbender in 3D. I have gone to Manila back and forth. How I love that city.

I've learned a lot from the 12 months that passed. I've learned that you can never fully trust anyone again once they've failed you. I've learned that no matter how much people say they love you, they're going to move on with their lives when that love goes unappreciated. Goodbyes hurt, but not as painful as the hellos you never had the chance to make. There are some people you wish you never knew...but deep down,you'll always be thankful for their presence in your life.

Sometimes, trials come, and we don't understand why they happen. The lessons come long after the storm is gone,most of the time. This year has taught me a lot to be strong; to learn to stand up by myself, to never be afraid of being who I am. I've seen almost all kinds of people. There are the traitors, the true friends, the liars, the people who live for others. Some of them have shown me that no matter how good you are, there will always be that one who treats you like trash, and if you're weak on the knees, you'll never last long. Despite all the pain I've gone through, I came out stronger than I ever was. I've learned that I'm never alone, and that there are people ready to take the fall for me.

As this year's end flashes before my eyes, all I can say is that just like every other year that passed, this one has been great in its own way. We have had our ups and downs, everybody goes through something sometimes. 2011 is our chance to be who we've always wanted to be on 2010. All we can do is make the best of it, for every second that passes is never coming back.

Happy New Year, everyone! Thank you for being the beautiful stars that give light to my way. I love you! <3

Saturday, December 25, 2010

So Far Down,Away From The Sun.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Just doing some reflections over the passing year. Days went by so quickly, and the time I'm dreading is about to come,and i know I can't stop it. I can't pretend everything's alright anymore, but I still do, because I like living in a perfect my head.

So I'm just sitting here on my bed,wearing my Santa hat, enjoying the darkness and the quiet, except for the occasional coughing fits. My throat is itchy, my back hurts, and I want to sleep, but I can't just let Christmas pass without giving thanks for everything I have right now.

Let this be a general letter to everyone whose hands touched my heart dearly this year. I can't name you all one by one, but if you're one of this people, you just know. I dn't have to tell you.

You have sheltered me from the fall. Heavy rain poured, and you didn't give me shed...You danced with me in the rain, and you made every minute of it worthwhile. Without you,where would I have been now?

When I think about all the bad things,I cry. But thinking about you makes me cry harder because you live in my heart,and your presence bears this certain scent that I smell each time loneliness strikes in. It makes me ache for your love,for your comforting words. Because when you say it will be ok, I know, I just know, it will be ok.

You're all that I am. Twelve months...maybe more,maybe less. It doesn't really matter to me how long I've known you. All I know is that you've been there since day 1, and you never left your place,not once.When you pass my thoughts,my heart fills with so much love for you. More love than anyone could ever wish for. When you cry,my heart shatters like glass. When you smile, my lips automatically stretch into one of my own. I share with you all my accomplishments, and in everything I do,you're with me.

I just want you to remember this when the world leaves you alone in the cold, I'm rubbing my palms together, blowing the warmth through the wind,wishing it reaches you. When everyone turns their backs on you, I'll be more than ready with a hug. When things seem to always go wrong,remember that I believe in you. I have faith in you.

It might not mean much, but I love you.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

I think we all have those days when all we want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

Here I sit, on the floor, wondering what to do with my life. If anything, my mind races with the same thought over and over again. What have I done with my life?

Last night was fantastic. I spent it with my friends, on the grass, under the stars, all huddled up against the cold December breeze, talking about our dreams. When reality hits, it hits you hard.

2010 has passed by rather quickly. I don't even remember most of it, but the memories I have are wonderful. This year has been great to me, and I wish it would extend a little more. I'm dreading 2011, but at the same time,I can't wait to see how the rest of my life unfolds. Our dreams...they seemed so vivid last night, I could almost touch them. I could almost hear my shoes clacking on the streets of New York, Paris, London. None of us could see ourselves staying in the Philippines in the future,and in all honesty, you can't blame us. Once you've grown to a place where all you see is sadness,darkness...You'd automatically walk and follow where the light seeps in.Eventually, you'd bask in it.

How weird it is,how one little thing can change a lot of things indirectly. I went to my Aunt's for dinner tonight,and I had to go back inside my house to grab a jacket because it was cold. As soon as I stepped out, all I wanted was to cry. The moon is currently shining really bright tonight, and the wind is cold. The light illuminates a certain glow on the street, on the watered rice fields, that kind of glow you see in the movies. It depresses me.

I wish people don't change. How I wish things don't, either. Why do we find something valuable if we're only going to lose them again? It doesn't make sense,and I don't think that's fair at all.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I'm Sorry For That Night.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?

We all have,at one point in our lives. Family, friends, lovers. I have loved someone so much that it hurt, and it still does. Sometimes, reality is the last place I want to be in.

K and I had a huge fight because of V. No, I'm not blaming V or K, or maybe even myself. It's no one's fault, but it hurts nonetheless. In a matter of a few hours,I've lost two important people in my life.

K for opening my roleplay account out of curiosity, and so he saw something he didn't want to see- V's tweets about having an accident or whatever that was. That account is a lie, and I know that,and I never intended to snoop on her business.It just so happened that K had, and he hates lies. A lot. And there are other people involved that he cares a lot about, so it got all complicated and came down to one thing after the other: I got mad at K, K got mad at me, I read all those tweets in question, got disappointed with a friend, and V blocked me.

I'm not even sure now if she'll ever speak to me again. I can handle not having K in my life. It will be hard, of course, but if it boils down to me having to choose, I'd rather have V.

Even if it feels like she'd rather not have me.

I'm fine,actually. I just feel empty. It's cold, and I'm not feeling it physically. It's so hard to stand when you don't know what else to believe in. You might be saying "Seann, shut the fuck up. It's role play."

Well yes,it's roleplay. But behind those characters are humans with feelings. Humans who escape the real world because it's shitty enough for them. I'm sorry. It's just that I stood up for her, and here I am, still lost them both. I guess it doesn't matter,anyway.

I'm still here though. Waiting for a simple hello,nothing else. Just give me that and it will all be fine. Things will fall back to the right places in time.

As for everyone else, be careful with what you say, but most of all, be careful with what you hear. The world is full of trickery.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

My Tired Heart Is Beating So Slow.

There must be something wrong with me. I keep losing my friends,it's not even funny. It's breaking my heart.

Tonight,more than ever,I miss my childhood. I miss being so carefree that the hardest choice to make would be which pair of socks to wear.I remember those things. Lacey, ruffled at the edges,where my stick thin shins began. I remember crying because I wanted t sit on a red chair in class and unfortunately, every red chair in the room was taken.

I miss my Dad. I miss him asking me if I wanted an ice cream cone,I miss him throwing me in the air,and catching me just before I hit the ground.The times I spent with him were numbered,each one remembered clearly because they're all rare. I miss the sound of his faded blue jeans rubbing against each other while his feet trailed on the rice fields,hitting dew kissed grass on the way while he carried me sitting on his shoulders,a paperweight porcelain doll clinging on to his tattered baseball cap for support.

I miss my Mom. I miss the way she would reprimand me for forgetting about what she asked me to do again. I miss how she once made me say vinegar over and over again before asking me to buy it from the store,and how her face turned when she saw me walking home with nothing because on the way, I was singing vinegar, vinegar to a tune I made up, and then occasionally sang soy sauce,and got confused about which I needed to buy.

I miss being so innocent that nothing anyone says makes me suspicious. Now, I dissect every word I hear or read and scrutinize them carefully, trying to figure out which is true and which isn't. It's sad how the world makes monsters of each one of us.I used to kick myself silently each time I cursed.Now,I do it as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

I feel so lonely. I just want to curl up and cry,but even my tears refuse me.I regret all the bad things I've said in my life.I wonder what good they did me. I just don't feel myself right now and I hate it. I have this strange feeling of dreading something and wishing time would just freeze,but at the same time,I'm wishing it would just tick away mercilessly so I could get it all over with.

My heart is so broken.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Everythig I Had Is Someday Gonna Be Gone.

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And, it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So, I tuck you in
Turn on your favorite night light
To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I had, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, and never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And, you're mortified
Your mom's dropping you off
At, fourteen there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But, don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too
And don't lose the way that you dance around in your PJ's getting ready
for school

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

And no one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I had is someday gonna be gone

So, here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So, I tucked myself in and turned my night light on
Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh, I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even you want to
Please, try to never grow up

Oh, whoa
Don't you ever grow up
Oh, whoa
Never grow up
Just never grow up
 I wish I could put in words how much I miss my parents right now. I was on the bus,listening to this song,and it had no impact on me...until this part:

So, here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So, I tucked myself in and turned my night light on
Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up 
 No one knows what I'll be willing to give to have my old life back,where it was just myself,my sister, my father,and my mother. Those times we spent together as a family were very rare and short; you could count it with your fingers. Still, it's what always brings me down. The fact that no matter how hard I try now,I can never have the one thing I want the most, and I will live with this regret for the rest of my life-that when I was little,all I wanted to do was to grow up immediately and move away,and have a life of my own. If I had known back then what I know now,things would have turned out differently.

I'm just having one of those days. I'm just being too emotional, clinging on to the things I can never have, obsessing about the past.It happens to everybody,somehow, but it doesn't change the fact that it's sad.

I thought being an adult would provide me with endless possibilities.I was drunk with the idea of wearing stilettos and actual dresses,going out with friends,the freedom,everything.Nobody told me about the heartaches and heartbreaks,about having to stand on your own,dealing with betrayals and death,losing friends and failing grades.

Now,all I could wish for is to be little again.How I wish I can just turn the hands of the clock back to a certain point in time where everything is still as good as they seem,before I started doubting my abilities,before I stopped believing in myself, back when the walls that surrounded me were the unshakable walls of love,support,and encouragement.

I feel like a little girl trapped in a teenager's body. I'm lost. I'm scared. I don't know what to do.

Friday, November 19, 2010

This Is The Part Where I Break Down And Cry

Where do I begin? I guess I want to say I'm tired of the drama.It seems like a puppy,following me everywhere.

Although I must admit,I never assumed we'd come to this point where there's no turning back,or so it seems. You were my best friend. I was ready to give up anything to stand up for you. I tried my best to be there for you, to help you get through the rough days when your heart was bleeding in fire.I just wanted you to be there.To stay,to keep me company sometimes.But the moment you found happiness, you disappeared from my sight,quicker than lightning, and before I knew it, everything else was different.

I loved her like a sister. Mainia and I-we used to be inseparable, but things change,and people do,too. Before she met this guy C, she was in a personal crisis and  I was always there for her. No, I'm not saying this to count the good things we've done for each other and compare. I'm just trying to paint with words how close we used to be. She was heartbroken,and so was I,so we clicked. We made each other laugh and cry.Then one day, she was gone.She slipped away like I didn't matter at all.

My point is, just because people meet new people,does that mean they have to throw someone away to give space to the new ones? Cause that was how I felt when I realized what was happening. I don't care,call me sensitive,immature,whatever you wish to call me.I felt like she kicked me in the curb just because she now has her "personal bumble bee", and then when he hurt her,she turned to me and said, "blame C, blame C."

That was what got me annoyed. I'm not like some toy that you get to play with again the moment your new one loses its luster.I have feelings,and they're pretty delicate. I give my all when it comes to three things: family, love, and friendship, but that doesn't mean I don't runaway when I see pain.I'm no saint, I'm only human. I want you to be happy, but surely, you can be happy without hurting me.

This whole thing makes me sad. I told her last night the reason why I'm so distant, but I was misinterpreted before I can fully explain. It's not about you coming back to Twitter role play.I don't even go there anymore. It's you coming back to my life.I want my best friend back but it's not that easy. I don't want to ever feel worthless again.

I was trying to bring it all back to the way it was,but healing takes time.I never forgot you. Stop acting like I was the one who ended this friendship.

I was there the whole time. Where have you been?

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

It's Not Much,But We Can Make A Life Out Of It.

 Don't be afraid of death. Be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever. You just have to live.

Faced myself in the mirror early today. I've been spending some time holding my head between my knees,trying to shut everything out. I miss my friends. I miss going on vacations with my family,no matter how short the times I got to spend with them were. Today was my grandmother's birthday,and reality hit me square in the face.She's getting older,weaker,and each minute I spend with her should be priceless. I watched her every move.The way she took a piece of my fish for luch,the way she sipped Coke from my glass. I'm scared cause I don't know how much more time I have to see her like this. I'm scared...

My phone is filled with notes I type late at night when 'm up,trying to drown my thoughts with music. What would become of me? I don't know,but I know what and who I am and who I want to be right now.

I'm young,and I know I shouldn't be scared. Hell, I know what kind of music I want to listen to,and I will blast it out whenever I want,wherever I want. I'm entitled to make as many mistakes as everybody else, wear whatever suits my fancy, say my thoughts aloud.I can dance in the middle of the street and NOT care what strangers say. I can skip school whenever I wish to just because I can. I can say "Fuck Mondays" and I will never wait for Friday,it will come to me. 

I'm young,and I wish I wasn't scared. I wish I could admit to my mistakes and just shrug it all off in the end. I get mad at my friends for doing stupid things WITHOUT me. I hate it that time passes by so quickly,that we barely have time to breathe and watch the world around us because we're all so occupied with our own needs.

I'm young, and I'm scared. I'm scared of not being who I want to be. I'm scared of not blending in with the crowd, when all I really want is to stand out. I'm scared of growing old alone,and I can't wait to fall in love again. I'm scared that Christmas will be lonely just because I have no one special to share it with,and seeing happy couples make me jealous,but I say they make me sad,because I can't admit to jealousy. I'm scared that one day,the world will look at me through my very own eyes and see that I really am no one special at all, just a piece of twig wrapped in pretty ribbons. I'm scared that the future isn't as secure as it once seemed. I'm scared that I might find him.My dork with the black framed glasses, dark, messy waves, suspenders and intelligence.

I'm scared that I'm wanting all the right things at the wrong time. 

I'm scared, cause I know this life is mine, but I might never be able to actually own it.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

My Happy Ending ♥

I know that nobody's perfect,but this won't stop me from hoping that someday,someone who's perfect for me will come.He will be simple, loving, and a gentleman. He will have a great sense of humor and a tender heart that cares for others, and he will not,by any means, tell a lie just to impress me. Every time I'm with him, I will feel safe and fuzzy inside. We will be good together, and good for each other.

Someday,I will fall in love with the right person,at the right time,and for all the right reasons.And when that happens, I will not get so caught up in him that I will forget all the little things I love about myself, like my long,curly hair, the way I love laughing at the silliest things, and how I love spending some time alone. He will help me achieve my little goals every day (like doing something good for another person's benefit at least once a day, and be able to express myself through the smallest things), and support me in pursuing my grandest,craziest dream: to be a published author of a free style memoir.

I may not run into the person I deserve anytime soon,but that's okay. I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm not in a hurry. I know the Prince Charming kind of guy is out there,and he is also looking for me.And when we do find each other,it will be real and wonderful and magical and just unbelievable. And I will know for sure that the long wait-and maybe even the heartbreaks that came with it-was totally worth it.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Hello,My Name Is Meh.

I started the day feeling really good. I had a wonderful evening and a nice and funny dream that I actually remembered when I woke up,only to have everything ruined by my aunt.

Don't get me wrong. I love both my aunts.They spoil me,they give me mostly everything I want,but they can be really mean at times. Like today.

I cleaned my bedroom at home and my grandma helped me,together with my sister. We carried everything out to have them sorted,and I decided that I wanted to move the bed frame out permamnently and just sleep on my matress on the floor.As a compromise,my grandma insisted that I use an extra matress,so that I'd be more comfortable.I agreed just to get it all over with. I then arranged my things and furniture inside the room,and now I'm so amn tired and my muscles are sore.

My aunt peeked in on me while I was arranging my books. She saw the two matresses on the floor and demanded that I give the soft one back,and said that she was just gonna use it for herself. Avoiding an argument,I pulled the mattress away while she went on with her business. When I was carryng the matress,which was not very light,by the way,on my way out of my bedroom,she stopped me and said I could keep it. In my very calm and collected voice, I told her that she was annoying, dumped the fucking mattress on the living room floor, and went back inside my room. I never talked to her again.

You see,I didn't mean to be disrespectful. I wanted to avoid an argument,for God's sake,that's why I pulled the mattress away from my room as soon as she instructed me too,even if that meant I had to rearrange all my stuff because they were all on the way of that mattress. My point is,I don't know if she was taking pleasure in getting me annoyed,or if she was just being plain selfish. It's not like I stole the thing anyway! It was my grandma who insisted on it!

I know,I know.I'm making such a big fuss out of it but I'm just really pissed right now.She does that to me all the time but when they're the ones who touch and take my things,they think it's no big fucking deal. I just had to write it all down here. I think it's better than taking it all out on her.

And I Know...This Love Grows.

Today has been really good. Really,really good. I went to the movies and saw Till My Heartaches end,which,by the way,I was supposed to see with my sister but she went to school,so meh. I also went grocery shopping and I LOVED it.Believe me,I'm the only one I know who loves buying groceries.

I've never felt prettier than I did (and still do0 today. I don't even know exactly why,I just feel so happy,so contented. I'm in my room now,I've just finished watching Message In A Bottle.It made me cry buckets of tears! It's such a good movie,I almost made it my favorite Nicholas Sparks work,but I think nothing can replace Dear John...yet.

Anyways,so I haven't been blogging lately,eh? I'm not so busy anymore,I admit.I'm just too lazy.HA.I only open my RP Twitter account.I don't even go on Facebook that much anymore.

I'm at some point in my life wherein I don't really know what I want to do or happen. I still remember C,and I always will,but I've moved on.I'm not the suicidal-take-me-with-you kind of girl anymore. I've let go of the thin string that tied him to me so that he'll be at peace,now.

Honestly,though. It's almost Christmas and I can't help but feel so alone at times. I mean sure,I have my family and friends...But I love sharing Christmas with someone special. I want to have a reason to wake up at 3 AM for nine days to complete the midnight mass so I could have my wish.I want to be happy again.I can't wait to fall in love.

I have a little crush on someone now but I don't know if he likes me back.That's quite impossible,I think.Haha. Who am I to even be worthy of five minutes of his time? Tsk tsk. Whataver though. I'm still pretty. Haha!

I've just heard that my *former* best friend and her boyfriend broke up. It doesn't really surprise me,I mean how many times did this happen?One too many. I know I shouldn't even be talking about it anymore,but you see, M, two people might be speaking to each other,but that doesn't necessarily mean that they're having a talk. One might be hearing what the other says,but that doesn't necessarily mean she's listening. Think about it and you'll see where things always go wrong. I just care a lot for the both of you,that's why I'm still hanging on even if you're trying so damn hard to cut me off.

Anyway,enough of that. I'm gonna be bold and honest here and say I miss K. It's just not the same without him,you know?

I only have five days left till school begins again.I'm not even enrolled yet.I just want to get it all over with! I'm so tired of studying and I can't wait to grow old and see how my life unfolds. It's a bit scary,but it all comes soon enough.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Sun Will Be Burning,Eventually You Will Be Gone.

Errr, I got this title from Ching's Tumblr post. I woke up yesterday feeling very miserable for reasons unknown. I usually have days like that when I just want to be alone,think about my future,my mistakes,the things that worry and bother me.

I don't know exactly what hurts.All I know is I keep trying and trying to forget about the past. But is it really that easy? Is it really that easy to forget about something and want to go back to it at the same time? I think I'm crazy.

Anyway,I'm happy cause Yasmina seems happy nowadays. That's all I could ask for-I just want the people I love and care about to keep smiling like everything is perfect when in fact,nothing is.They say life is too short to dwell on your grievances,but no one can really help it,you know? I like being like this. I like feeling the pain. It makes me believe that something is real,and that's e=very important to me right now cause honestly,I feel like everything is a lie.

Even myself.

I feel like I'm a big talking ball of lies,and I wish I could explain why,but there'd be no words for me to use. I'm just tired and I want to hear nothing but the awful,ugly, breath-taking-in-a-bad-way truth.

I've been taking three hour bus rides to Pampanga these past few days just for the heck of it,and no one knows. That makes me waste six hours of precious time, and like a fool, I keep hoping that maybe a minute in that long stretch of time might bring your smile back to my memory,where it slowly starts to fade. It's hard. I miss you.

I keep listening to those sad songs to force the tears out of my eyes,because they are cold and unmoving,and my heart is frozen. I just want to run away,far,far away from here. I feel so miserable and happy at the same time. I want to be here,and I want to be anywhere but here,too.

I wish he was here to save me from myself.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

My Heart Is So Broken,Rejecting Your Love.

I'm not supposed to be acting this weird. I just went home,kicked my shoes off, collapsed on the couch and slept with my school uniform on. I feel so blank. I want to be someone else, somewhere else.

I saw a girl walking home,towing her huge school bag behind. Scattered paths of sunlight blinded me for a while, and then it hit me.I don't know what I'm living for right now. It feels like the past few weeks are just a blur,like I'm some kind of a stray leaf being blown away by the wind. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere new.

I need an escape and I don't even know what I'm running away from. I just feel so completely lonely. I feel like I'm missing out on the world. I want to be able to skip away and giggle and just be pure again. I want to have my bright eyes back,the eyes of a child that only saw wonders and beauty. Right now, pain is all around me. When I was little, I saw the stormy days as break days from school, not a threat for my fellows' lives. I wish I could be that innocent again. I wish I Away from this horrible world.

I walked the concrete pavement,listening to the sound of my heels kissing its muddy surface, listening to the vehicles roaming about,listening to my neighbors gossip about the latest who's who, listening to the buzzing of the bees,the swaying of the trees.All of them were doing something.What was I doing?What am I doing?Why am I still here?

My mind is ridiculously messed up right now but I'm trying to erase it all with a smile.Why can't people see how hard you're trying to be good enough for them? It's all beyond my understanding. I just want to take each person who feels as terrible as I do now and pull them in for a hug. I miss everything. I miss my friends. I miss the sound of our laughter and the way we would sing a song on the bus for hours on end. I just want to feel like I'm not as useless as I think I am...

Friday, October 8, 2010

With Every Breath I Take,I'm Calling Your Name

Sara: You don't have to understand. You just have to have faith.
Jonathan: Faith in what?
Sara: Destiny.

I'm in that incredible mood tonight wherein all I want to do is stay in bed and watch some sappy old movies for the umpteenth time,and cry. Cry for the tragedies, cry for the happy endings. I'm that type of girl.

I've been busy dealing with life these past few days,and even I myself can't say exactly how I truly feel. I'm confused. It's October, today is Ham's birthday, and I just sent her a greeting through text. I was meaning to ask her to maybe have lunch with me or something, but she was busy with exams.

On my way home I bumped to Shiela,one of my high school classmates. In the old times, maybe a year or two ago,we would be chatting endlessly and it would be hard to bid farewell. This afternoon, we barely spoke to each other. It still surprises me sometimes when things change so abruptly. I guess I'll never be ready for change.

Anyway, I'm not feeling very well so I plan to stay home and make myself some nice tasting soup, anything to warm my rambling stomach, and just lay in bed watching old movies. I pretty much deserve that-a break. My throat is itchy,my nose is runny, and I can't even breathe properly. What a nice state to be in on a Friday night.

I don't like the heat at all. It's October,for God's sake. My skin is aching for the cool Christmas breeze.Sure,there's the Christmas breeze but it's not cool at all. It's very warm. The air,however,smells of dried rice stalks. It's making me nostalgic at times. How I miss running through the fields or just hanging out with my uncles there. One day, it will happen again.

I'm not really excited for anything right now. I'm in that time in my life when I just want to find love in a certain form. I feel so lonely. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep it all of, in the hopes that one day I'll wake up to my fairy tale. But life doesn't work that way,so I'll just wait and enjoy my alone time. Everyone's life just depends on how a person deals with it.

 Nowadays,I see a lot of people moaning about how their lives are so hard to live,how they just want to end it all. I was like that a few months ago. Now,I realize how selfish it sounds. Why do people like hurting so much? Why do we keep complaining about the things we don't have,when we have something and others don't even have anything? Why,just like I'm doing now, do we point out how some people are so dramatic,how we don't like drama,when clearly,we all are drama queens and kings somehow? You know... I just learned to shield myself away from all the horrible things in this world. If I can't heal it,no way in hell will I let myself be infected. That will be the last help I can offer.

Nothing can hurt me unless I permit it.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Can You Feel Me Burning?

I don't know if one can cry illegitimately,but let me say it now: I'm legitimately crying.

I spent this morning worrying about Mainia. I was tweeting with her and she was like giving me the cold shoulder so I was sat here wondering what I did wrong,thinking back on the previous days and nights. I couldn't remember anything I've said that might have offended her so I decided to just ask her straight out if she was mad.

She was not,she said. She was just annoyed at me because it seemed to her like I have changed,and that we were losing each other.

My tears fell faster than bullets as soon as I read that,and I must admit it here that I have changed. In my RP account I became careless and carefree, but I never told anyone why.

The truth is,I was so busy being there for my friends and no one even bothered asking if I was okay. I was not. I still am not. And if anyone dared ask, I said I was fine and they believed me. Sometimes I just want to feel as loved as I make others feel.

Right now,I feel so alone. I'm losing everything I have,they're all slipping right out of my hold and I don't like it. I can't take it anymore. My heart feels like it's going to explode any minute now because of all the pain and the worries I have been keeping inside. When I help someone pick up the pieces of their broken hearts at night,I wonder if they even realize that I am crying at that momet because I have to deal with my own pain too,together with theirs,alone. I wonder if they even care.

I'm hurting so much.I have been hurting for the past two weeks and no one knows because I decided to grow up for once and stop bothering people with my drama. I may have seemed distant but I was not. I never was. I was just trying to figure out how I would make it through another day without breaking down in front of anyone. I was thinking of a way to be there for everyone without forgetting myself. I was trying to stick to my promise that was to just make one stranger smile every day so that I could feel better about myself. I was busy trying to give myself a reason to believe that I was worth this life I am living right now.

In my RP account,I go on flirting and stuff with the other RPers,and truth be told,they make me laugh and smile. I figured it was a nice world there.A world full of pretenses.A world where I can do whatever i fancy,say what's on my mind and not get judged for my actions. It is a free world, and I enjoyed its perks for a while.

But now,seeing that it might cost me my best friend's companionship, I think I will stop. it's not worth it,you know? It doesn't make her happy and I don't know if it will make me happy knowing someone's unhappy. Some people might hate me,but I think I have to quit. Time to go back to the real world.

Oh,reality. How I despise you sometimes.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Tonight Will Be The Night That I Will Fall For You.

Another timed post from me. I just don't feel like publishing this right now,so bear.

I just hung out with my family yesterday. Hung out doesn't seem to be the right word to use though, when you spent two hours on the mechanic's, waiting for your ride to get fixed, but that was the closest we had to hanging out.

We went to Jollibee after that and bought take home meals. Ate Rachel was working there. I lined up on the counter she served and when it was time to give her my order,I was so giddy I had to stop myself from bursting into fits of laughter. She and I are close (she's my Mom's half sister) and you know, having her tell me "Can I get your order,Ma'am" in a very formal manner was just too much for my little heart to handle, when usually when I am in their house she would always pick on me and call me silly names. Revenge is truly sweet. Heheh.

Anyway, so yeah she took my order and I said two TLC burgers with fries and Coke, one cheeseburger, one spaghetti with fries and coke, and one chocolate Sundae. I was surprised when my take out bags arrived and they had four TLC burgers.. -,- She punched my order wrong, so I paid four instead of two B3 meals. Guess she was giddy too. Ha.

Yeyey was with me all day. She has changed a lot in the course of three years. Gosh,I sound like a mother or something but she really has. I remember I just had a talk with my Mom on the phone and she was like "Do you still hang out with Yeyey? Does she still wet the bed and the couch?" LOL. It was strange when I realized it. I have been with the little girl all her life. She doesn't wet the couch or the bed now, but she's growing up spoiled and bossy. She keeps ordering everyone around. Sounds

My sister has been pestering me about her money. I owe her Php25.00 (half a dollar,haha) which, in my defense, we used to buy a pack of tea powder and ice that we had for lunch. So I did not pay her yet but I will, promise. :P

On the 3oth it's our Patron Saint's festival day. Bah, I will sponsor another baby's Christening and I don't have even just a small amount of money. Maybe my grandmother will take care of that. It's kind of fun here,these days. It's a shame I don't get to scour the shops outside (there are rows of tents of vendors selling EVERYTHING by the roadside on the highway at this time every year). On Thursday there'll be visitors and people I really don't know who will come over our house to eat and such. I'm a little excited.

Hmm what else? Oh,yeah,that song. The title of this post is another song lyric I ripped off Secondhand Serenade's "Fall For You". My PSP just randomly blasted it out yesterday and since there was that warm September Christmas season kind of breeze, I felt like it was 2008! Certain songs remind me of certain seasons in certain years. Fra Lippo Lippi's "Later", for example, reminds me of 2002's Summer when my Mom came home and it was my father's favorite song. Matchbox 20's "Unwell" reminds me of 2003, like Stephen Speaks' "Out of My League". Trading Yesterday's songs will always remind me of Summer 2010. "Fall For You" was all over the radios back in 2008, and it reminds me of CLSU's Lantern Parade that year that I spent with my ex-boyfriend. We were hanging out with his friends in his car, and that song was playing on the background. I can't remember the feeling anymore,though.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Traffic Makes Me Feel Like I'm Part Of Something Bigger.

It's kind of obvious that I have just seen Step Up 3. Awesome movie. It made me cry cause even it showed that best friends drift apart sometimes. And Moose's best friend's name was Camille.

Nothing makes sense. Even the news from the TV echoes that the President had hotdogs for lunch in America. Rappers rap about poverty and bystanders and the problems of the community, but they never give us any possible solution to the problems, just like I am doing now. I keep blogging about the things that tie me down but I can never seem to have the courage pr will to let them go.

I know, there's more to life than rainbows and sunsets and watercolor painted skies, but those are the things that I live for. I keep trying to look at the bright side, but where is it, anyway? I'm blind. Maybe when the storm ends, we will both be standing at the edge, holding the stars in the palm of our hands, but what difference will it make, really? Will there still be you and me, board game nights, Anne Hathaway themed movie marathons? Will we still be doing each other's nails, laughing until our stomachs hurt? Will you still be making me giggle while I'm drinking Coke just so you'd see me spit it out of my nose?

I do worry about all the wrong things, don't I? But sometimes, you must tell me when something's wrong, because I can't go on guessing... It's hard to fumble in the dark when there is not even a tiny spark of light. How will I know what hurts you? You never tell me.

You're so distant now, and it's killing me cause I'm doing all I can... I am probably making a big fool of myself, but it's fine. I can't lose you, although I know you'd say I already have. What changed? We were so excited, we were so sure about our future. Do you now imagine your future without me? Please don't answer.

I think we are both too proud to admit our mistakes. Maybe we have something to learn from this but whatever that something is, I don't need it, okay? I don't. Take everything you want from me. Just please, please stop kicking me out of your life.

I love you.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I Miss Everything About You.

I guess it's one of those things I have no control about. People come, people go. But it's easier said than done. How will I go on with my life when it feels like I'm leaving part of my heart behind? It can't beat properly...

Ching, you may or may not be able to read this, but I'll let my guard down all the same. It's like a letter I will never send. I'm writing this not because I want to force myself into your life. I'm writing this to let all the pain out of me, because I am about to explode.

First of all, Ching, I miss you.

The last few days have been blank. All I remember now are the times I spent thinking and worrying about you. I've known you only for a short time but in all those moments I talked to you, it's like I have been acquainted with your pain. I might never know what hurts you, but it doesn't stop me from feeling the depth of your wounds and wanting to help you treat them, make them heal.

I can't even describe to you how sad you are making me... Don't get me wrong, please... It's not like I'm blaming you... It's just that....I should have been there more for you. I should have let you know how important you are to me. In my life, I claimed you as a younger sister, and it hurts me inconsolably to know that I could have done something-anything, to make you stay.

You did not even say goodbye. You told me you'd hold on and never let life beat you. What happened, Ching? Did they hurt you? Did anyone do something bad to you? I so badly want to protect you, to shield you from all the pain. I so badly want to receive you in my home, my fortress, and be able to tell you that nobody will hurt you anymore.

I guess it's too late for me. I feel like I failed at being a friend because of this. I feel like I have let you down when I promised not to. I feel like you banged the door close on my face. I miss you so much... I miss you so much...

I know you think nobody loves you. Truth is, I do. I may never have told you enough how much you mean to me...I wish I could fly despite my lack of wings. I wish I could give you a hug every single day and tell you how beautiful you are until you believe me, cause you are.

Wherever you are tonight, Ching, I'm sending you all my love. I'm whispering to the wind and I hope it carries to you all the words my heart says but my lips cannot utter. I'm not forcing you, nor even asking to be a part of your life. I just want you to tell me something, even just one word-satiate my heart's thirst for you. I hope you don't feel alone. I may not be there with you, but I am here for you.

I wish I could wipe your tears away. But because I can't, I'll cry with you instead.

If I can't stop you from bleeding, then you can't stop me from bleeding with you.

I love you so much. I hope all is well.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

No Matter How Difficult Life Is For You,It's Always Harder For Someone Else.

I can't stop crying now. After I have seen an episode of "Failon Ngayon" tonight, which is a regular Saturday evening rpogram here which features people's real life struggles and situations, I realized yet again how lucky I am.

One of their featured stories was about a girl my age, Fe Martinez, if I remember correctly. Like me, she was supposed to graduate from College next semester. Unlike me, she's not going to step on the stage to get her diploma.

Her story,as far as I can recall, goes a little like this: one day she had a headache and she felt numbness in some certain parts of her body (her shins, particularly). I think they were on a school trip or something when she felt that, but when they went home, she didn't tell her parents about it. She just woke up one day and found that she could not stand up anymore.

Her parents brought her to the hospital, but the Doctors said they needed Php 40,000.00 to get her body scanned and tested (MRI or MIR, I suck at medical terms). However, they did not have that money-they were a poor family, they still are, so they had no choice but to bring her back home and nurse her in bed. Huge bed sores grew on her back due to her all time,all day confinement. Her mysterious illness not only took away her freedom. It also wrecked her dreams, her future, her life.

It was the TV program's staff and crew who helped them bring her back to the hospital to get her tested to find out what her illness is. It turned out to be Multiple Sclerosis and her medicines cost Php 20,000.000 EVERY week, and even if they do have the money, which they don't, the medicines are not easy to buy as they are imported,and do not come in regular basis, and the doctors cannot specify until when she has to take them.

What made me cry is the part when Ted Failon asked Fe's mother how she was holding up. Her mother was then shown on screen, aged and wrinkled-in my opinion, she looked far too old to be a 19 year old's mother, but then again, with all the stress and pain she's going through, it was reasonable. So Ted asked, "How is it going for you-taking care of her everyday? It looks like a lot of work..."

To which the woman replied, tearing up, "It's hard, really hard... But I can go through all of this for her. I will suffer for her. I love her."

And then they showed Fe on the screen, saying, "They do not have to speak-even if they don't tell me, I know it's hard for them..."

In a dramatic, slow motion kind of way, her tears fell down and she turned her face away from the camera. I cried.

They later revealed that Fe was a very persevering student. An honor student, in fact, and the Chairman of their Baranggay's Sangguniang Kabataan (Youth Council). This moved me more if that was even possible. It pained me to see such a young fellow crampled in bed, seeking for the best comfort it could offer, while every night, I lay myself in bed, tucked in three layers of fleece and silk and cotton, and I can still find an excuse to complain about my life.

Don't get me wrong- I did not come here to preach nor be a hypocrite. I know I must change my ways but if I am being honest, then I should be completely honest. And to be honest with you, it is not that easy. Change doesn't happen overnight-and I am trying really hard to be good to other people now as much as I can.

I am just here to reflect on how a random person's story touched me. Sure, she's not the only one who's suffering. Everyone suffers in one way or another. It's just that, of all the stories I have come across, it's her story that touched me most. There's the girl, striving for a better life-for a life like mine,possibly,she had the will and the courage to do all she could to achieve it,and then with one swift blow of fate,she was in ruins.

She's too young to go through all of this. I don't know,she really has my sympathy. Because of her, I go even more inspired now to do what I can, while I can, because evidently, nobody knows what might happen tomorrow. Even one slight of hand can change everything, so I decided not to let a single second go to waste.

You know, I've been devoting time trying to make part of the world a better place but I realize now that I have more time in my hands but I spend it doing nonsense for fun. I want to be able to help. I want to help as many as I can without forgetting my own dreams.I wish I could stop sneering at my life when I'm feeling down and just remember that some people always have it worse. We each have our own share of darkness and it is entirely up to us if we let it just pour heavily upon us, or learn to dance in the rain. I choose the latter.

I wish I could just go to her house right now and give her a hug and her Mom and sister, too. They have been doing a really good job in taking care of her. One day I might walk up to her and squeeze her in a hug to show her how much I care. As for now, I am planning to scour the streets in our City in October and hand roses to women and maybe give them a hug or two if they wouldn't mind. I'm going to make them see how beautiful this world is just because of their existence. A mother, a sister, a student, a best friend, a grandmother, a mother in law, a girlfriend, an ex girlfriend, a daughter, a niece-I will make them smile.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Trying To Be Everything Can make You Lose Your Mind.

She grew up on the side of the road
Where the church bells ring and strong love grows
She grew up good
She grew up slow
Have you ever had that one lonely day when you realized that everything is just not the same?
You look back to what your life was like three months ago and you just can't help but ask yourself: What happened? Where did I go wrong?

People come, people go. What hurts the most is that our feelings stay the same.I wish it was as easy as letting go of money-you know how easy it is to spend money and you don't even mind handing it away to other people. But when it is someone who leaves, it's so difficult. Even giving away your favorite Teddy Bear is hard enough,what more,a person?

Sometimes we don't even have the chance to say goodbye. You just wake up one day and find that they are gone out of sight. What's worse is when they really haven't gone anywhere. You still talk, you still see each other,but somehow, the laughter doesn't sound the same. The tears are not so deep anymore,and as days go by,you don't realize how far you have grown apart.

I'm just lonely tonight. I miss having some people around.If I could,I would beg them to speak to me, but I am much of a coward to do so.I'm scared they might turn me down,and then I'll be left hurting even more. I don't get myself sometimes. I have always believed that if you love someone and you really mean it, you just do. You just love them and not ask for anything in return, but now I'm all demanding for even just one of these people I love to love me. I'm yearning for love. For once, I want to be loved.

It doesn't really help when memories are not on my side. Good or bad, they make me remember how happy it was with them. How happy we all were before I screwed things up. But of course, I fake it all with a smile, and say I am happy for them. I am happy for them-but that doesn't mean I don't feel sorry for myself. I meet cool people and introduce them,and then,all of a sudden, I'm not cool enough to belong with them anymore. It's like I am shoved out, and I keep getting locked out.

I am sorry for ranting here. It's not really a rant,you know?I'm just...I just thought I'd share my feelings. Sometimes, people treat me like I'm a saint. I feel like they forget that I have feelings too. Just because I let it pass when they bully me doesn't mean I don't get hurt. Of course,I do. We wouldn't be this far apart now if I don't get affected.

Anyways...I still can't believe it is September already. SEP. TEM. BER. And almost the 15th. How time flies. I remedy my loneliness by listening to Chistmas songs.Although to be honest,these Christmas songs only make me feel worse.I'm leaving you with my favorite Christmas Song of all time, composed and sung by Jose Marie Chan, a very talented Filipino composer/musician. P.S.- I'm sick, I have runny nose and I can't stop sneezing.Any medicine recs?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

You Can Make It Happen.

If you have a dream, then the time to start chasing it is now. Don’t wait until tomorrow. You owe it to yourself to follow your dream.

-Ashley Greene

I don't think I have ever been this determined. Most people know for a fact that what Seann wants,Seann gets. I'm stubborn like that,and it's no secret that once I set my eyes on something,there's no stopping me.

Maybe I'm crazy. Yasmina said I was crazy-I told her all about it and I guess she's right. I'm crazy...I always am. But if there's something I badly want today, right at this very moment, it's this: I want to go to Los Angeles for Breaking Dawn. As plain and simple as that. I want to meet Jackson Rathbone and Ashley Greene at least once in my life, for if I don't, I don't think I'll ever say I have lived. So I decided-I owe it to myself to follow my dream and this is that dream. I am going to act on it and make it happen or at least try.

It sounds impossible,yes? It seems like just yesterday, on my way home from the mall, I was thinking about a certain friend of mine who made a firm decision to move to Los Angeles to pursue her dream of being an actress. I was skeptical, to say the least, because not everyone can have the same fate and luck as Ashley Greene. When you really ponder on it, it's not easy to just pack your bags and go-considering you are a total alien with no place to stay in or a comrade to depend on. I was thinking she was crazy. I have almost forgotten that all the best people are.

I am going to work on this, earn this reward for myself. Honestly, I'm scared. I'm scared of letting this dream just float away with the wind. I'm scared that if I don't try reaching for it, one day, I might regret it...And that's what I hate the most. It would be really awful when I'm old and gray and I look back on this day and see clearly where I went wrong. I do not want that to happen.

I'm not sure,of course, if I could make it happen. What with all the fuss and effort I have to make,like getting a passport and a US Visa, and an authentic NSO Birth Certificate, the least of my worries are the plane tickets. But as I have said, I am too determined to back out now.Not now,not when I have seen a glimpse of hope that tells me I can. I can. I just have to work on it.

I have always been a dreamer. Regrets are the most painful part of my life,and each regret pinches my heart a little too painfully, to the point where I begin promising myself that whenever I have a dream, I will at least try and do my best to achieve it, and leave out all the rest to Him. That way, it wouldn't hurt when I think about it, because I have done my part. I could tell myself that it is not my fault anymore,it just really isn't meant to be.

As for now, it feels like there's a fire blazing in my heart. It's all I can think about. It's like I have seen what life is all about-it's all about chasing your dreams and making them come true. It's about having that one great purpose, that one great passion that will make you say your life is complete once it happens. Why, Ashley Greene was seventeen when she moved to LA to pursue her dream. She waited long enough before it happened but look where she is now. If she sat around their house in Florida,would she have been cast as Alice Cullen? Probably not. She worked hard for her dreams to come true, and that is what I will do.

Because when you have nothing, you have nothing to lose.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life.

My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries,and I watched and felt each from the beginning; my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger. I should not seem a part of it. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath - a source of little visible delight, but necessary. I am Heathcliff - he's always, always in my mind - not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself - but as my own being.

 I've been reading Wuthering Heights all day and I still cannot find the will to put the book down.My head is still pounding-it has been aching and throbbing for days now but it doesn't compare to the pain in my chest.

It has been a month and two days. I'm starting to doubt that I can ever forget. What I wouldn't give to forget for even just a second. I wish it was that easy, but then again, this is life. Moreover, everybody dies sometime. Everybody gets left behind.

I am literally sighing as I type down this post. Perhaps, next year, I will look back to this day and laugh at myself. Perhaps I'll wonder why I am so down today,almost losing hope,clueless and scared of the future.Maybe it will all end happily. Maybe one day, I will be able to walk down the streets, good as new, as if I have never gone through something like this at all. Or maybe not.

I kind of made a promise to myself. I've been hurting a lot lately,and I think it's about time I make myself happy. The question is how? How do I make myself happy when as soon as the word happiness comes to mind,all my brain can produce is a very vivid scene of myself with a guy-a guy whose face I cannot see-together in a brightly lit room,feeling warm and cozy,sitting in an oriental rug,reading some novels by the fire. I can hear the crackling sound of the coals breaking as the heat consume them. I can feel his fingertips absentmindedly brushing against mine. The sound of the heavy pouring rain pelting the roofs is so real that I can almost touch it.

I guess I just have to wait,you know? Wait for time to actually mend everything that's broken. But no matter what happens, I will never wait for life. Death has been showing itself to me quite often these days- I have attended quite a lot of funerals, more than normal, if I should say so. Every time I see someone else part with a loved one for good, it breaks me. It breaks me cause I know how awful it feels to know that there is NOTHING you can do. Sometimes, it almost drives me crazy, knowing that it doesn't really matter if I cry all night. In the morning, he still will not be there, and the only thing that will change is that my eyes will appear puffier than they already are.

With that said, I just realized that nothing good really comes out of my grievance. It only annoys my friends who don't care enough and hurts the ones who do. So I'm letting go...Step by step, day by day, we will part until it's not so painful anymore. I will keep my head up,searching the skies for the brightest star,and I shall assume it is you,shining down on me. I will keep my head up and let the golden beams of sunlight kiss my face,and it shall be just as good as your lips brushing smoothly against my skin.

I shall love everything beautiful in this world, and it will be like loving you, and it will be like you are never gone at all.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

How People Treat You Is Their Karma,How You React Is Yours.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
 ~Hellen Keller ~

I had a really bad day today. I am not stating here what happened exactly, but I am telling you that my self esteem is pretty low tonight,or maybe, empty.

Why do people often only see physical beauty? Why do most of us feel like we have to bring someone else down so we could feel better about ourselves? The answer to this, I think, is beyond what my complicated mind can understand.No reason will be accaeptable enough for me to agree that anyone of us has any right to make someone else feel so low and unloved.

As you can see in the photo collage above, it clearly shows that I don't usually care about what others think about me. I am vain,but not as vain as a typical girl my age. To be honest with you, I think the only thing pretty about me is my hair, and sometimes I even have bad hair days, but I never refer to myself as ugly-just not good looking.

I like taking goofy photos of myself and making funny faces.I am not ashamed of showing them to people. Why would I be ashamed? I am not the type who puts my best foot forward and only posts photos when they make me look good. It really wouldn't matter if I am not at all pretty,right? I don't really care,for as long as I am comfortable and presentable,that is more than enough.

Perhaps now you have a vague idea of why I am blogging this way,saying these words. Yes, I have been bullied more than once today. The one incident,I really don't know if I should consider that bullying but it hurt me nonetheless. Sometimes,I wish people know when to shut up and keep their feet in their mouths. You know that rule or something? When you have nothing good or nice to say,keep your lips sealed. I wish people actually think before they speak,cause once you say something bad, no matter how many times you say sorry afterwards,you cannot take it back. You cannot just take it all back like nothing happened,cause the pain lingers long after your words are forgotten.

You know,if you hate me,it's totally fine with me.Just don't pretend to be my friend at all. I know what exactly a person's motives are just by looking at them, hearing them speak, or even reading their text messages or the words they say. I may appear to be very nice to you,but I know when you are being a false friend to me. I should tell you that you should beware of me if your intentions are not good. I am a true friend,but once you give me even the smallest reason to doubt,I will always be cautious of you.

And so now I am telling myself that this "friendship" is over. It is quite funny to me,you know,when I knew from the start that this is all pretense.Just you sneaky little scheme to make people think that you are,indeed, a good natured person.You might have fooled them,but not me. I can see through you. Although your physicality is not so bad,your insides are hopeless. Get well soon,bitch. Jealousy and hate are such horrible diseases. You are a toxic "friend", and I do not want to be poisoned.

It's a good thing I have just finished reading A Little Princess. I have this quote in mind right now, and I am taking it from Sara Crewe.

You don't know that you are saying these things to a princess, and that if I chose I could wave my hand and order you to execution.I only spare you because I am a princess,and you are a poor, stupid, unkind, vulgar old thing, and don't know any better.

That,my friend, says it all. Go have fun basking in all the attention and the belief that you are pretty. I don't care anyway. I never aspired to be pretty, because I know,I just know deep inside me that I am not pretty. Claim the throne, I'll even pin the glittering crown to your head. I'd much rather be simple, bold, and beautiful and be able to laugh at myself when I look like this:

or this:

Because guess what? I do not wear any make up on my face and people compliment me for these photos. I AM BEAUTIFUL, and nothing you say or do could EVER change my view.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Wake Me Up When September Ends.

I must admit that this is my sixth attempt at posting this blog. I've been meaning to blog for days now, but every time I try, I just end up typing then deleting everything because the words don't say what I truly feel. It's horrible. I need to get introduced to myself one more time. I don't know ME anymore.

Yesterday, my family and neighbors and I drove to the mountains. It was fun,really. I never expected it would be that fun. But I was so tired and sleepy that I slept most of the time. On our way home, there was a crowd swarming by the side of the road, and there was a police car parked nearby, and men in SOCO uniforms. Our driver decided to stop by to see what was wrong. I saw a woman in red shirt sat on the curb, crying.

We then found out that there was a salvage victim dumped on the dry irrigation system beside the road, near the river. It was the perfect place for a crime, mind you. There are no houses, and the road is often empty,especially at night. You can count the passing vehicles by the hand. Once we got stuck there on our van. The lights won't turn on but we were too scared to stop so we decided it was better to keep going,keep driving.The place is very secluded. In the day it is paradise. It's my worst nightmare during the night.

Anyways, it was my first time to see something like that. Like,a victim's body,covered in blood, getting investigated for possible clues as to who did the crime and why. It was creepy. I still can't stay in the dark alone because of that. The victim was a girl,about my age, had long curly hair like mine. She was believe to have been raped before she was killed. Heartless,heartless suspect. Please pray for the victim's soul.

It's August 31st today. How time flies. September is not my favorite month, and I don't know what's in store for me. I just wish time will slow down, you know?I'm so scared of facing the future-I am not yet ready for the confrontation. Tears will be shed and probably,some painful words that even time can't heal will be said. I am dreading that day.I am so not waiting for September.

Sometimes,we love the wrong people for all the wrong reasons.We know they could hurt us,and at some point,they would,we'd fall down and get scraped but we'd also get back up,probably too soon,and continue fighting as if our lives depended on it.

Sometimes,the pain is just too real that I find myself crying,crying my heart out because it's all I can do. What hurts more is watching that person you love dive into the pool of pain and fire,and all you can do is watch them burn.It's crazy because you feel the pain they feel,together with your own pain. It's like you carry both your burdens,and you still smile.You try,because you want them to be happy.

I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up as soon as everything's over. That way, I wouldn't have to watch somebody burn. I wouldn't have to carry anyone's burden or feel their pain. It sounds selfish sometimes...But everyone has limits,too,you know?I can't bear to just watch the people I love get hurt just because of their own doing,because it hurts me too.I hate it when I can't do anything.I like being in control...

Someday I will know why people cross the street,even with the threat of getting hit or run over. Someday, the world will stop hurting. Maybe when September ends.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Happy Birthday, Mar.

I woke up for a good reason.

Today, a Princess is celebrating her birthday. Who else? My Mar! :)

Since I can't send you a card, I made you one. Well, it's most likely a letter but does that matter? Okay, so here goes.

Dear Mar,

I have only known you for a few months, but already, your name will never be erased from my heart. It's like I have a big sister instantly.

I am so thankful and your birthday is one of my favorite days in the world. No words can express how grateful I am for having you in my life. Even all the words in a dictionary combined cannot express how much you mean to me.

Thank you for being so thoughtful and sweet to me. You might not know how much I appreciate it when you ask me how I am, and you seem genuinely interested with all the things I have to say. That alone is more than enough for me to love you.

I'm sorry if sometimes I take you for granted. I'm sorry if I am being a burden these days to all of you, but thank you for being so patient in dealing with me. Your heart is made of pure gold. I feel so honored for having you in my life.

My wish for ou is that I wish you would not change no matter what happens, and may you be successful, whatever path you choose to take. Just remember that I am always here, supporting you, ready to listen and help when you need me. No matter what happens, I will always carry you with me and I will remember to smile and be good,all because of you.

Again, thank you for being as wonderful as you are. Happy birthday, God bless you. Have a wonderful day, and may all your wishes come true.

I love you Mar.


Seann <3

Monday, August 23, 2010

I Know You're Tired.

And so am I.

I read this blog today, and honestly, these exact words describe how I am feeling now.

Just because I appear happy on some days doesn't mean that I am completely over the pain. Most of the time I go hiding what I truly feel just so I would not ruin someone else's day. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know where to place myself.

Rolando Mendoza held a bus full of tourists hostage today. Many of them died. They were innocent people who had nothing to do with him or his problems, and they died. They were probably people who were taking a break from life. People who had spouses and children waiting for them back home, but are now waiting for corpses.

So I told myself, if only I could have been there,I would have given my life in echange for someone else's. Someone who had the utmost will and drive to live. Someone who will never waste the chance if it were given to him or her.

Ate Liahn got mad at me for saying that.

I know she only cared for me, but I couldn't help but be hurt, too, even though it was true that I was being selfish. We had different views, you know? I tried to understand her point, though, so I apologized. She did not send me any reply... I guess that confirms that she's mad.

Honestly, it's okay with me. I don't want anyone to worry about me anyway...I just wish they would believe me when I say I'm fine. I'm okay, that's what they want to hear in the first place.

Even though my heart is breaking every single time I reach out fo your empty desk beside mine. No one would know the pain that rips me in two when a ray of sunshine hits the window sill and I look for your eyes immediately because they used to reflect the light all the time.

I know my friends are tired of me being all mopey and lonely, but what can a girl do? If only I could just tell my mind to shut up and stop thinking about you, I would. But that is impossible for now. I need time. I need time to heal and to grieve and to cry whenever I want to because it makes me feel better. But it affects everyone when I do, so I decided to just go on pretending everything's okay. Maybe then no one will hate me anymore. I already asked Mimi to never talk about me to anyone,too. It will be easier if no one else knows.

I wish you were here now. I miss your scent that carries me to sleep,to endless beautiful dreams. As time passes by, I find myself thinking what it would feel like to be with you again. I wish I had the courage to follow you but that would not make you happy, would it?

But what else can I do? I feel like a big failure here.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I'm Spinning and Swirling

I have nothing to say tonight. Do you know that feeling,when your mind is so clouded with things and you just don't trsust yourself to talk anymore?

What will I say now? I was supposed to be in Manila, but the trip was moved to next week, so I'm stuck here trying to review my lessons, but my mind just isn't feeling like a sponge. It would not accept anything I try to memorize. I'm just too distracted.

If there is any part of my body that feels like a sponge right now, that would be my limbs. I am so freaking exhausted and hungry. I have just eaten but I'm starving again. Shake my actual head. So I'm eating eggnogs here, trying to update you with what's going on with my life. It's not really so bad,noh? That doesn't make it so good though.

I miss everyone. Here I am again, being emotional and all, but Twitter is so quiet. Last night we tried to make Greenbone trend but we had no luck, I guess. Ashley was seen again kissing another guy. This time it was Joe Jonas. Mind you, I have nothing against him, but... I don't know. I just don't think he's good enough for her. But then again, her dating record isn't too good either.

When she was papped making out with Brock, I cried. Now, I didn't. I should, I know I should, but I think I'm used to it. It will only take a matter of time before she's back in Jackson's arms again. It's hard to judge her or the relationships she gets herself into because no one really knows the truth behind them except herself, but sometimes I just can't help it. I want to just ask her to come right out and tell us what's going on. Sometimes, we deserve to know.

But that is her private life. I just wish she would keep it private, because with what I am seeing, it's like she's having a party in her bedroom and the door is slightly open, giving us all a glimpse, but never allowing us to enter. Wait--does that make sense to you?

I wish it will all stop and she'd just settle down and stay with one guy,you know? I'd love it if it was Jackson but if she prefered someone else and I saw that she was truly happy, I would never go against it. Only she knows what's best for her. I love Ashley more than anyone else (not my family and friends,ah whatever, if you are looking up to someone right now you would know what I mean), and I only want her to be truly happy, but when you are a stranger looking from the outside, you will never understand what she is doing with her life. I'm trying to make sense of all of it though.. She's young and beautiful. She has the right to make the most out of it in any way she wants.

I just swear to God, if she ends up getting hurt because of Joe... I don't know. I just don't know.


I changed my blog music again. It's the fourth one now. First was She Is The Sunlight by Trading Yesterday, followed by May I by Trading Yesterday, then, Gone by Jim Chapell, now it's I Never Told You by Colbie Caillat. Mainia introduced me to this song. I can't stop listening to it now. I can relate to the lyrics.

Off I go to munch on crackers.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Every Flower Has The Right To Be Called Beautiful.

Yesterday, I made an avatar in Ameba Pico. It's a virtual world game in Facebook where you get to decorate your own place and interact with other players from all over the world.

When creating my avatar,you have like,tons of choices on how you want your Pico to look like.You get to choose the skin color,eyes,hair,make up,and so on.

I've seen my friends' avatars before.They were all pale or creamy skin with blond hair and beautiful blue eyes. For a change,I chose the darkest skin tone for my avatar. I also gave her black hair and black eyes. Guess what? She looked so pretty. :')

Anyway,my point is that I still don't understand why anyone would make a girl feel like she's not beautiful. Every girl is beautiful,in one way or another. That's what I believe in, that's why when I feel like pigging out on cakes or ice cream or chocolates when I'm feeling down and my friends don't want to go with me,I hate it. I hate it that they feel like they have to deprive themselves of something they truly deserve.

Now,don't get me wrong.I also feel "fat" and "ugly" sometimes,in fact, I was on my way home yesterday and I caught a glimpse of myself on the mirror and noticed that I gained weight. I passed a gym by the road and was thinking of signing up,but then again, I stood in front of a glass wall to check myself out. My hair was all messed up and my lip gloss was smudged,giving me that slight frown and my uniform was wrinkled.It was true,my stomach was sticking out a little,and I was starting to feel depressed. I decided I would start a diet but as soon as I did, my tummy came rumbling. I realized I haven't eaten breakfast or lunch. Immediately, I went to 7 Eleven and bought doughnuts and Coke. I forgot about the diet thing.

You know,there's nothing wrong with avoiding chocolates and pastries as long as it's all for the right reasons. But if your reason is "it makes me fat", that is not reason enough. If there is one thing that can cure a broken heart, that will be those sweets that you are trying so hard to ignore. I just want to say relax. Give in. You deserve that chocolate bar or that bag of chips every once in a while.

I don't even know why people like looking so much on the outside when there's more to see on the inside. Maybe that is human nature,but you know,no matter how physically attractive you are,if you have a rotten attitude and all you do is step on other people's feet just so you could stand taller,you are nothing but an empty box wrapped in fancy paper.

I know this may sound like a cliche,but let's face it.Most cliches speak the truth. I,for one,look past all the expensive make up and porcelain skin.No matter who or what you are-a mother,grandmother, student, vendor, nurse, teacher, plain housewife, bank teller, writer, laundry woman, household helper- as long as you have a heart that cares not only for yourself,but for your fellows, you are beautiful.

Today, I woke up with this one realization. This one phrase that I have been denying myself for God knows how long...

I am beautiful, yes I am. And YOU are,too.