Monday, October 27, 2014

In bed, nursing what seems to be the world's worst headache, she thinks:
It's time to move on from this year long unrequited love.

With a pang in her chest, she recalls how happy he used to make her. The sound of his laughter blending in with hers echoes through her mind, sending a rapture of salty tears down the valleys of her cheeks.

They used to drive around with the windows down, hunting the local shops for things she may like. His left hand, so sire and steady, held the steering wheel so comfortably, while his right reached for her waiting palm, so open to his touch, like waves coming home to the shore. Their eyes would meet for a split second, and he'd catch her gaze and smile, his eyes turning into half moons, before she'd look away, not knowing what to say.

Those were the things that jump-started her heart, fragments of moments that used to make her day.

He was sweet. He was cute when he tried. And underneath all the baggage, sje saw that he had a good, forgiving heart.

And so she fell.

Her world revolved around him. For a year, she hung onto his every word, latching herself into his million watt smile. She let herself go, not knowing whee she'd land, hoping he'd break her fall.

But he didn't, and she was hurt. Badly.

She realized how wrong she was to let herself believe the things she thought she'd seen. He was good, he was great. But he was not in love with her.

For her, he was the sun. To him, she was a star.

It took her a year to open her eyes and finally see reality. She was blinded by his light. He was attracted to her shine.

But he is not the sun.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Here's the truth that I'm trying so hard for anyone not to see: he has this quick, effortless way of hurting me. He says words that cut deep into my skin. Words which, once he speaks, never leave my mind for weeks. He gives me the deepest scars, and I hide them. More than once, he appeared to be less than I perceived him to be, and yet I pretend not to see. I choose to look away because nothing seems to be bad enough to keep me from feeling this way for him. He hurts me, emotionally, deliberately, and I turn the other cheek albeit knowing I deserve better. That I can find better.

The truth is this: he's not mine to lose, but I'm scared of losing him anyway. I'm so insecure and ashamed of myself and he's not helping the case. I see right through him. He's a good person over all, but it's not all the time that he's good. He can be really horrible. I've seen it. And yet, despite all that i've seen and heard, here I am, loving him from afar.

I feel stupid for feeling this way. I keep trying to stay away, to be able to finally move on, but he's really got a hold on me. 

Sunday, October 12, 2014

I will not speak about the way your close proximity lights up every nerve ending in me. There's no space for that in my mind, when loudly, I can feel you start to fade from my life, creating this distance made of white noise, silent, but deafening.

You used to hang the moon and hold the stars in my black velvet skies. You still do, and I fear that it will not change for as long as I can look at you and see none of my feelings reflected back to me. There's a storm brewing in you yet again, and I'm trying to have the heart to believe that I will weather it, that I can weather it, and that this, too, shall pass.

Because so far, it always has.

But if this time, it's different, then I'm not gonna anchor you to my shore. There's a world out there for you to see, I guess. I must let you keep sailing, even withoutme, if that's what you need. You might come back like you always do. Or you could get washed away to a different land, one that knows not to limit you to what your eyes could see.

As for me, I'll be here, watching you ride off into the sunset. Remembering how they say ships were not built for safe harbors. So go on, brave the waves. Go find what you're looking for. Come back when you can, if you want to. I'll be the girl with the telescope, waiting for you.

Friday, October 10, 2014

If you could spare me one minute of your time, then that would definitely make my day. I'm no one to you. Your day could end well without me in it. Your life would still be complete if you hadn't met me... And yet, it's not the same for me.

It's astounding, really, how you can change a person's life with them having no effect in how you live yours. You're so clueless, sometimes, I just want to grab a rolling pin and beat you senseless with it. You make me happy. You hurt me. And yet, still, yet, you don't know.

I'm being my best patient self right now. For you. I admit, there are times when I know my life would have been so much easier if I never knew you, but I'd be lying to myself if I said I'd rather have that than be here with you now, wherever we are. Because even with how difficult things are today, you're here, and it matters to me. You're worth it. You matter.