Monday, February 28, 2011

Tell Me You Love Me, And Mean It.

Open your eyes. Stir lightly on your side, face me slowly and smile.

Bring your hand to my cheek, and gently brush my hair to the side of my face. Tell me I'm beautiful, and mean it.

Get up, let me stay in bed. Bring me breakfast and a single flower, tuck it behind my ear. Kiss my cheek, greet me Good Morning.

Wait for me as I bathe. Read the paper, watch the news. Look up when I descend the stairs. bring your hands inside your pockets, stare at me in awe. Reach for my hand, run your fingers through my hair. Let me fix your tie. Thank me, and mean it.

Open my car door, hold it for me. Fasten my seatbelt, make sure I'm safe. Put my favorite music on, and drive slowly. Savor every minute you get to spend with me. Make small chats, laugh softly. Look at me when you think I'm not looking. Reach for my hand and hold it in yours when I'm staring by the window. Wish me a nice day, and mean it.

Pick me up before the sun sets. Buy me a cup of coffee, ask how my day was. Walk me to the car, pull me to your arms. In the parking lot, slow dance with me. Tell me you'll always be there, and mean it.

Drive me home, pop a movie in. Lay me on your lap, stroke my hair, massage my temples. Enjoy the silence with me. Hold my hand, kiss my forehead. Carry me to bed and kiss me softly.

Tell me you love me, and mean it.

Saturday, February 26, 2011


From miles away, my hummingbird
I can hear your song, and your voice is breaking
Where does it hurt, what can I do?
I'd do everything to keep your heart beating.

A thousand times, my darling dear
You tried and tried to push me away.
Before I go, I have one question
Were you lying when you said you were okay?

An aching soul, my spirit's broken
Waiting for your butterfly to land on my fingers
The skies are dark, the road is empty
Your home is waiting for its King.

Pumpkin pie, please don't cry
I'm right beside you through all this life.
This endless chase is getting tiring
But I'll do everything to keep your heart beating.

What You Are Is A Daydream I Never Get To Hold.

I'm happy today. It's the best way of being happy-being happy for no reason at all.I just feel light and refreshed,although I'm tired. My sister and I sat all afternoon eating a lot of food and watching Lake House,discussing the events.When we're watching movies together,we just can't shut up.We have to talk about it,our ideas and guesses and opinions.It's our way of bonding.

I'm currently listening to Kenny G's "Forever In Love". I like jazz music a lot,and it just adds to my positive vibes. I don't know what's going on or what may take place, but I have a feeling that there's something good in store for me.

I can't wait to have it revealed!

Friday, February 25, 2011

This Time, I Surrender My Everything Forever.

Do you ever go to sleep desperately wishing to wake up to your dreams coming true? This happened to me today. Why is it that when you love someone, it's so hard to see them looking in the other direction? It's like you're waving in front of their face, but still, they don't see you.

It's sad how love makes us do stupid things. It's frustrating when you want to yell "she'll only hurt you" but you can't. Because he loves her and she makes him happy. But she doesn't love him back.

I tried convincing him that it was just an infatuation, when really, I was doing it to convince myself. Because when youu love someone, no matter how clear the truth is, you close your eyes to the things you don't want to see and close your ears to the things you don't want to hear. Because when you're in love, you only believe what you want to believe.

People can give you millions of advice. They will, but everything is easier said than done. They say it's only mind over matter, well sure, my mind has processed the fact that I'll always be second best, the shadow he wouldn't notice whenever the real thing is there, but the thing is I can't help it. I'll stop feeling this way if I can, but there's always that gaping hole in my chest, aching, longing to be filled.

I just want you to see me. I love you. Please hear me now...

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Hang In There.It Can Only Get Better!

This might make me sound like a broken record, but I believe that things are always bound to get better. Have you ever had one of those days when you just don't get the way life goes anymore? Sometimes, I do. I question myself why I'm still alive, and the answer, I found out, lies on the question itself.

There will always be days when we're so miserabe, we forget everything but the reason for our misery. It's fine, and your flaws and faults never make you less of a human than everyone else in here. When the time comes when you feel like you're hanging by a flimsy thread of doubtful hope, you better use those damn fingers and cling to the last strand as much as you can. Because you ARE meant to live,and someone else still needs you in their life. If it's true that you're worthless and useless,you wouldn't have been here in the first place.

Self pity is selfishness,for me. You focus so much on how you feel that you start forgetting that the people around you are human beings,too.If you're a part of their lives or they're a part of yours, chances are, they're hurting when you are. The least you can do is to open up to them and let them share your grief or pain,and not shut them out,because whether you admit it or not,you need them.It even benefits you both when you come to them and cry.It benefits you because once you let it all out,everything feels lighter.It benefits them because it makes them feel like they still play an important role in your life. Helping a loved one in times of need is one of the best feelings in the world.

To you reading this,I should know that I do.It doesn't matter to me if I know you or not. We all go through something sometimes. Different problems, different stories, different amounts of pain, but we have something in common: we are all alive,and THAT fact says every answer to all our questions.

Someone needs you. Be strong,please. <3

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Jump Then Fall.

Every once in a while, in this dark,cold world we call life,we bump into someone to act as our sunshine.

When that moment comes, many of us fail to realize that it's all we're waiting for, so instead of seizing the opportunity, we let chance pass. Do you know what passes with chance when we let it? Fate. Destiny. The course of our whole lives.

Sometimes, it's so confusing. I'd often ask myself, what if it was my destiny to let it pass? What if there's something or someone else waiting for me? That's where I usually go wrong. Now, I'm scared that because of my unrealistic expectations, no one can meet my standards. It's lonely. I want it to be lovely.

Once in our lives, someone will walk in, take our hands, and never let go of it until the end. There'd be trials along the way. There'd be petty fights and senseless conversations, shared laughter and tears, sleepless nights and restless days. There'd be times when you'd doubt if it's still worth it, and it's during one of those times when he'd walk out and you'd realize just how much you really need him.

Love is strange, and no one said it would always be perfect. It doesn't come with a warning, but you take it anyway because just like a chain smoker cannot resist a pack of cigarettes, even if he knows its bad effects, you are addicted to that high, floating, butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling that you get everytime you see each other, even for just a short second. It's hard to turn around and ignore the way your heart skips a bit when he flashes you that shy smile, or the electricity that courses through your veins when your fingertips brush.

Love hurts, but we all know the pain is worth it.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Sunbeams,They Scatter.

I had a post-Valentine afternoon snack with Ham last Tuesday and together we realized how hard life is for us first borns.

It's like when you're th eldest,they all expect you to do good and almost never make any mistakes just so your siblings would follow your lead. Worse,you don't have a life of yournown. We feel like we're just business investments waiting to happen. Every decision we make is shadowed by responsibility and pressure. It's never easy.

Anyway,her boyfriend asked her if she'd marry him. She said not now, but he Lready wants a family. It's that easy for him because he's the youngest child in his family. She's the eldest, and she's supposed to help her parents financially in aiding the studies of her two younger brothers. In plain,simple English, she can't get married yet. The problem is she's afraid he wouldn't be able to wait.

As the years pass,our priorities and views in life change,obviously. Long ago,I thought it was that easy. Now I see how wrong I was. I've realized that promises are delicate things to give, especially when it means so little to you and so much to the person on the receiving end. If only I could go back and take what I've given, I would.

I found out that some things are sometimes better off unsaid.

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, February 14, 2011


The song at the end of this post comes with a story. People have been laying ideas on why it was entitled 214. Some say it was because of the first three lines, "Am I real?", some say it means "Two won for", I don't know what that means, some say 214 is Valentines Day, and the longest reason of all is that it was just a room number wherein a guy asked a girl to stay with him for the night, the lyrics of which are what he was saying to get her to agree, but she declined. He committed suicide.

I just heard this song again after so many years, at the mall. It was one of my favorites back in High School, but I liked the original (Rivermaya's version) better. Bamboo was still Rivermaya's vocalist back then. I feel old talking about that band, haha.

Anyways...Oh yeah! Happy Hearts' Day everyone. I have no plans for this day, except maybe take my neighbor's daughter to the park to visit the birds and the preserved tiger on display there. Haha! How fun! It's like, my second year of spending Valentines Day outside a relationship. Sure, it gets lonely and old really quickly, but I'm making the most of it! I might miss these days when I'm in a relationship again.

As for those of you who are in love love love, have you gotten anything for your significant others yet? What's a good gift, you ask? Well, boys, for girls... "Anything from the heart" isn't true anymore. LOL! I don't want to sound like a snob but really, we appreciate roses and chocolates every once in a while. Save up! This is how you prove that you'll someday be able to feed a family. Haha! Just kidding. If you've always bought her fancy things and gifts, you might want to change your moves. It gets boring. Here in the Philippines, a typical Valentines Day gift would be a teddy bear from Blue Magic, or something from Ibay's Silver Shop. Couple rings are famous nowadays.

A typical date would consist of going to the movies, sucking face when everyone else is too busy sucking face to look, and some fondling...Haha! OMG, SOGO Hotel would love this. And then, because most lovers are still students, the best meal would be something from Jollibee. I crack myself up. LOL!

Anywayyyyyys. I hope you all enjoy your days. I for sure will enjoy mine, as I don't need a sweetheart to have fun. Take that however you want to. LMAO. Happy Valentines Day,guys! I LOVE YOU!!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

There's No Such Thing As The Real World.

I'm twenty years and two days old today, and I realized it's about time I stopped hoping you'll somehow post a belated birthday message on my Facebook wall, send me a tweet, a message...Something. I find it quite amuzing how some people I don't even know remembered to greet me, while you...I have no idea what you;re doing with your life right now, but just so you know, it hurts that you failed to remember. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget.

Anyway, enough of that. I'm twenty. It doesn't feel like anything has changed, except for my age. When I was five, I've always wondered how it would feel like to be a grown up. I imagined myself wearing frilly, lacy dresses, and ribboned shoes. My greatest dream back then was to be able to go out of the house as I please, because when I was a kid, I wasn't allowed out unless my studying was done, but of course I used to sneak out a lot. Now that I'm twenty,I'm finding out that it's nothing really special. I still live in this house, by their rules. I still can't fly.

The day before my birthday, this guy on the bus asked for my number. I told him I don't text that much...And he stopped. See? I want someone who will pursue me, no matter what. I'm so picky, I'm afraid I might grow to be an old maid. I don't want to grow old alone. still messy. I'm working on it, but my future is very unclear right now. I'm not afraid of no being able to be what I want to be. What I'm afraid of is that I don't know what I really want. It's like I need to find myself, and I don't know when, where, or how to begin, but I know that I must, soon. It's a long, tedious, tiring process. Someday, I'll figure it all out.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Her Fearful Symmetry.

"What is more basic than the need to be known? It is the entirety of intimacy, the elixir of love, this knowing."
Audrey Niffenegger (Her Fearful Symmetry)

Four hours after finally putting the book down, (I've been reading it for weeks, like I did with The Time Traveler's Wife. Audrey Niffenegger has this strange way of making me stop on a certain page and try and absorb everything I've just read.) I'm sat here, still haunted by the novel. I can't quite explain it. It's like a dream that keeps replaying in my head. I'm creeped out and amazed at the same time. It was hypnotizing.

Elspeth's (Edie's) Selfishness...And Selflessness, at the same time.

I'm still wondering who got her pregnant. Jack believes he's not the twins' father, and claims to have not had made love to Edie (known in the book as Elspeth, because they switched characters) , and that the girls were conceived on April Fools. I understand that she was a lot like Valentina, so she gave in to her proposal, but I don't think it was right that she claimed her body when their plan didn't work. She was her daughter...It's just wrong...

Edie's (Elspeth's) Selfishness...And Neverending Love.

It just shows that when you love someone, you are capable of doing harm, ruining lives, even, just so you could be with the person you love. Edie's (the real Elspeth) character shows just that: the lengths a person would do to get what she wants. She was jealous and insecure, and played games with Jack. I guess it all started with that. If she had faith in him, things might have been different.

Valentina's Dreams...And Her Desire To Be Her Own Person.

I totally saw my sister in Valentina. I know for a fact that it's always been me. Things always have to work my way, or not at all. It's like holding a handful of sand with Valentina. The more Julia tried to hold her in her palms, the more she wanted to escape. I think we all seek that freedom every once in a while. Everyone gets tired of being someone's shadow, and we let our emotions lead us. In the end, we'll realize that not everything works as planned, and sometimes, the risks are just not worth it.

Julia's Sorrow And Silent Loss.

This is me. I'm totally Julia. The overprotective sister. The one who wouldn't buy a cone of ice cream without the other. People think it's selfish, when in fact, I can tel that she's just afraid of being left alone. When you've been with someone for all of your life, you start building your dreams, your whole existence around them. Changes are inevitable, and they think you're doing this just to make someone your puppet or mold them to fit you perfectly, when the truth is, you just love them so much that you can't bear even the thought of losing them. Julia's pain when she lost her twin was reflected very well in the book. It made my heart ache, but in the end, I'm happy to see that after all, she was the one to set Valentina free.

Marijke's Drive To Help The Man She Loves...Even If It Meant Losing Him.

At first I thought it was selfish how anyone could ever leave someone they love because he's ill. I thought marriage meant you'd be there for each other no matter what, just like what you two said in your matrimony vows. Marijke made me realize that sometimes, you love someone so much that even if it hurts YOU too, you just have to do what you have to do to help them get better. You'd have to risk hurting both your feelings if you want the relationship to work. You'd have to sacrifice some, and have faith that it will all work well in the end.

Martin's Disease...And The Distances He'd Go For Love.

I haven't realized this until now, but Martin is my favorite character in this book. Second to Valentina, haha. He has an OCD and he has this urge to scrub the floor every time to the point that his hands are all wrinkly and bleeding from too much bleach. It was part of his disease to refuse treatment and not leave the house. One time he even carried the bed to the bathroom just so he could pee. He counts when he's nervous. His disease was THAT horrible but he intended to get better because Marijke left him and went to Amsterdam, and said they'd be together if he'd come to her. It wasn't easy for him, but all day he practiced standing on the landing of his apartment and try to be able to step out of the door. It's just so romantic how he loves Marijke so much that he did everything for her, he faced his greatest fears.

Robert's Confusion And Monstrosity.

I really believe that Robert knew what would happen all along. I think he was torn between his love for Elspeth and Valentina and he didn't know who he loves more, so any one of them was fine with him. At the back of his mind, he knew that Elspeth wanted to come back, and he allowed it to happen. After all, if it was Valentina who came back, he'd still lose nothing, or so he thought. He was, I think, at that certain point in his life wherein he was on the line between letting go and holding on. I can't blame him, but when someone was gone and there was someone else...Do you really have that much choice? Don't you just go forward and move on?

I know, Robert. Easier said than done.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Although Your Heart Is Mine, It's Hollow Inside.

I'm multitasking. Listening to Yiruma, downloading Gossip Girl episodes, and watching The Secret Garden on Youtube.

I'm so tired, I just want to sleep but my eyes won't close. I feel so lonely. I regret doing a lot of things and I just keep wondering, had anything happened differently, would I still be in this situation now? I guess not. I just want everything to be okay already. It's selfish and unfair, but I want to skip the confrontation part.

I get hungry a lot these days. I've not been eating well, I must admit, but I don't mind it at all.

I'll stop pretending now. I'm not alright....I really don't want to talk about it. I just need a friend.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


What if it's not what I want it to be?

It will be.

What if it is?

I watched Tangled today. I have a soft spot for fairytales so I'm giving it 5 out of five stars...or in its case,glowing lanterns. Prior to this, I've seen Hereafter, off topic but I just thought I'd put it here. Not impressed.

Anyway,guilt is starting to overcome me. I just want to ask my family... What if I turn out to be an entirely different person from the one they expect me to be? Would they still love me? Yes is the answer,of course. I know it. Certain things in life don't need an explanation for us to believe it. Like this one. Like the fact that we just believe we were born into the family we are in right now. That's what faith was created for. We don't need to see proofs to believe some things. We know of their existence and truth just because.

Hm,enough of that stuff. Have you ever had this feeling of dread? You know,not wanting for a day to come,but at the same time,you can't wait to see how things unfold? Like when you're watching a horror movie, you don't want to see the horrible scence but you still watch them for the sake of your money,or just to get it over with as soon as possible.Yep, I'm on that lane right now. I'm fighting a battle within myself but I can't seem to win. I don't want to do this anymore but I can't seem to quit. I'm such a hypocrite,I swear.

I'm typing this on my phone right now while Lady Gaga and Beyonce are singing Telephone. There's a couple to my right, and another to the left. I'm kind of sitting here by myself wondering if I'll ever be good enough for someone and for once,find something that lasts. I'm such a sap,but Valentines Day is almost here and yes,I'd hate to admit it but I'm bitter. When your pals from High School are either posting pictures of their babies on Facebook, sending wedding invitations, or working their ass off (not in the sexual way,hopefully) with their significant other, you're left wondering what's wrong with you.

My hair actuallu falls perfectly in place and I'm average looking. I mean yes,I'm not model or actress material,but I'm not so bad. So why can't I just find someone for me???

Ugh. I'm such a liar,sometimes I actually believe myself.

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


Yesterday, I asked Yeyey where we'd celebrate our birthdays. Hers is February 6, this Sunday. Mine's on the 8th.

Her answer? "Heaven."

 My aunt told her this: "Your Ate doesn't even have a child yet, and you want both of you to go to heaven already?!"

I faked a laugh, but all my worries resurfaced.

In a week from now, I'm turning twenty. But inside, I'm still that spoiled, what-I-want-I-should-get five year old. If you spent an hour looking at me, you'd see I'm just like any other girl my age. Self conscious, full of complaints, has three layers of dark circles in three different shades under my eyes. Well, the last was exaggerated, but you know what I mean.

However, if you'd just spend a minute staring at me, you'd see what I've been hiding. You'd see it in the way my eyes roll. You'd hear it in the crack of my voice. You'd realize how scared I am of the future, of growing old alone, of not being able to achieve my goals.

It's sad how when we want something so bad, we beat the bounds to have them. We don't think straight. We don't care about the consequences, the price we'd have to pay a few years later. Right now, the words I say the most are these: I wish I didn't.

They usually say our mistakes make us a better person. I wish I did a different mistake. I wish I could be a better person in a different way. I don't want to hurt the ones I love, but I will, and it's about to happen. I don't know how I'll get past this. Everything's just so cloudy.

I'm bound to find my home, but I'm struggling on my way. It's not an easy path, this one I chose. It's the one where in the beginning, there's a sign that says Enter At Your Own Risk.

And I, being the spoiled, what-I-want-I-should-get girl, did.