Friday, January 25, 2013

I'm busy with the tape and the glue.

My chest still constricts when I think of you.

Even now, after all this time, when everyone thinks I'm ok, I'm not even fine at all. And I can't find the words to tell anyone exactly how I feel.

It's like there's a hole in me. Not in my chest, but in me. And I've tried everything that might work but nothing is fit to fill it in. Sometimes, it's as if I'm gong crazy. I pull at my hair as if somehow, you'd be here to stop me.

Maybe it's just the weather. It's been really cold these past few days, and the skies would turn gray, but it never rains, which should be a good thing because the rain reminds me of you. Instead, I curl up  and make myself as small as I feel, and wish it would just pour. Because I want to remember. Because lately, you're starting to get blurry. My memories can't get your smile right anymore. Your laughter sounds wrong in my head. And the sound of your voice is not as clear as it used to. And I'm trying my hardest to hold on to these fading pieces of you, because they're all I have left.

Maybe it's the way they've all moved on, and I'm still stuck in bubbles of you. We'll never be whole again, this much I know. When you went, you took a bit of each of us with you, and there's no getting them back. But they've moved on. They talk about you as if you're still there with us, your eyes crinkling as you laugh. And that hurts me, because I'm not there yet, and I feel alone.

I'm trying to hold myself together, but bits of me are starting to fall out, and it's all because of you.

Friday, January 18, 2013


Hi. I haven't been here in a while. It's because I'm sooo busy, like seriously, I feel like I don't even have the right to breathe anymore. So here are a couple of things we have to accomplish these coming weeks:

1. CWTS Tree Planting Activity (January 19)
2. CWTS Livelihood Seminar (January 26)
3. Thesis Defense (January 22)
4. CWTS Feeding Program (February 2)
5. CWTS Feeding Program 2 (February 9)
6. 8th Annual Chefs on Parade (February 12-13)
7. PE Field Demo (February 14-15)
8. CWTS Kasalang Bayan (Mass Wedding Ceremony) (February 16)

That's only some of our responsibilities. We also still have our other subjects which are equally demanding in terms of time, effort and money.

I don't know how to be a good leader, this is a fact. I'm moody and temperamental and I don't like repeating things. I hate it when people refuse to do as I say, especially when I've begged them once. And in these activities, I'm given the responsibility to lead my classmates and make them follow me. The problem is, I don't know how.

It's so tiring, preparing for these things and having to keep up with my studies at the same time, but thankfully, I manage it all, somehow. I just hope I can keep it up. I know it's only going to be harder as time comes.

Well, there goes the first few weeks of my 2013. It's not much, but at least it isn't boring.