My grandma has cancer, and she doesn't know yet. They went for a dialysis a few weeks back, and today, my aunt got the results and told us.

I tried not to cry. I was cutting cake. I wasn't expecting that moment to be something so tragically unforgettable, but it was.

The thing is, just yesterday, life was so simple. My sister and I were in my grandpa's farm, spending some time with my mother's family. There was food when we wanted to eat, and there was laughter and relaxation and pure bliss. And then today, we went home, ate ice cream, watched some cartoons, and the bomb dropped.

I wish I could turn my back on this information. I wish my whole life, so carefully unfolding before me, wasn't irrevocably altered by this hurtful, offensive truth. I wish I didn't feel like bursting to tears every time I look at my grandmother, so frail, yet still the strongest woman in the world. I wish there was some way to make this all just a stupid mistake. I wish there was one specific day I could choose to bring back, but it's all mixed in and nothing special really stands out.

The battle has already began, but the warrior is still without her armor. I'm scared of losing her. She's the one constant thing in my life; my comfort. But eventually, she must go. And if there's any chance of her winning this war, then I'll wage everything to be on her side. But if it's hopeless, if in fate it has been written that she surrenders in the end, then I hope God takes her quick, skipping all the pain. If anyone in the world doesn't deserve an ounce of pain, it's her.

I need to cut you out of my life completely. I need to realize that we, contrary to what I so decidedly believed, were not meant to fit each other as perfectly as we did. I need you to go and to never look back, or maybe you already have, and I need to stop looking for you. I need to stop searching for your eyes in every face in the crowd. I need to stop listening for the swooshing wind, to stop waiting for my surroundings to freeze, to stop expecting to accidentally bump into you on every corner of this cruel, unpleasant world that seems to be stretching the miles between us, so stubbornly keeping us apart. I need to stop. I need to let go, and move on, and just stop looking for you, because if you wanted to be with me, you'd be here by now.

Feeling ko talaga, nakakasurvive lang tayo dahil sa temporary amnesia.

Naniniwala ako na lahat tayo, nagkakaroon nyan at some point. May mga bagay kasi na masyadong masakit, at walang ibang makakahilom dun sa pain na yun kung hindi ang paglimot, no matter the time frame.

May mga ala-ala na pilit nating ibabaon. Unti-unti, hanggang sa magising tayo isang araw under a false security blanket na finally, okay na lahat.

Kailan ba naging okay lahat? One way or another, life sucks, and the earlier you accept that, the easier it will be for you to dodge the oncoming bullets of tragedy, or emotional violence, in the sacred name of self preservation.

Sino ba naman ang may gustong mabuhay na araw-araw nasasaktan? Definitely not us, humans. Pero minsan, wala naman tayong choice.

Eto, I'll be honest here. Kagagaling ko lang sa Facebook account ko, and unfortunately, may mga messages dun na binasa ko na sana pala, hindi ko na ulit binuksan. Pwede naman i-delete, kaso hindi ko rin kaya. Duwag ako eh. Baka kasi yun na lang talaga yung pwede kong panghawakan to someday prove na once upon a time, may puso ako.

Anyway...those messages were nothing special. Most of them, puro "hi" lang. Almost all of them unanswered. Yung iba, two to three years ago pa. Napapaisip ako ngayon, nung time na yun, sobrang busy ko ba talaga at hindi ko man lang nasagot kahit isa? O sinadya ko talagang iwasan sya?

Hanggang ngayon kasi, naaalala ko pa. Yun yung sinasabi nila pag nagmahalan kayo ng sobra, sobra din kayong magkakasakitan. Ganun nga siguro yung nangyari. Nung una, hindi ko maimagine yung sarili ko na in love sa kanya. Pero nung di nagtagal, di ko na maimagine yung sarili ko na in love sa iba.

Pero wrong timing yata talaga. Ma-pride pa kasi kami pareho. At ako pa yung tipo ng tao na takot sa commitment, kaya mas lumalapit, tinutulak ko palayo. Hanggang sa napalakas yung pagkatulak ko, eh hindi na bumalik.

Looking back now, nakita ko na nag-effort naman pala sya. Maarte lang talaga ako. Umayaw lang talaga ako, at believe it or not, that was the one time that I was able to teach myself to move on. Hindi ko kaya noon, pero ginusto ko. Doon ko unang narealize na lahat kayang gawin ng isang taong nasaktan ng todo, walang limitations.

E bakit ang drama ko ngayon, diba? Ang tagal naman na nun. Wala lang. Ewan. Siguro dahil alam kong masaya na sya. Dahil selfish ako at ayoko yung pakiramdam na napalitan na ako, kahit gano pa katagal yun. Siguro dahil sa iilang beses na totoo akong naging masaya, karamihan dun kasama ko sya.

Siguro dahil December na naman. Masyadong maraming ala-ala.

Plans.

Get a diploma
Work abroad
Fight for equality
Be an animal rights activist
Put up an animal adoption shelter
Own a patisserie
Buy lots of shoes
Have a home library
Meet a lot of people
Fall in love
Watch the sunrise from a mountain top
And see it set over the sea
Travel the world
Play tag with children
Have children of my own
Help my family
Read a thousand books
Dye my hair the color of crazy
Take a picture of the Eiffel Tower
 Die in my sleep peacefully.

Nung isang linggo, dumaan sa Pilipinas yung pinakamalakas daw na bagyo sa buong mundo. yung hangin na dala nya, katumbas ng tatlong beses na lakas ng buhawi. Kaya hindi nakapagtataka na halos mabura sa mapa yung mga tinamaang lugar sa Visayas.

Meron daw dun, isang kapilya na nanatiling nakatayo. Hindi naapektuhan, ganun siguro. Pero nabasa ko kailan lang na yung mga tao raw sa kapilya na to, tinanggihan na papasukin man lang yung mga survivors dun na hindi miyembro ng relihiyon nila.

Kung totoo man yung nabasa ko na yun, ang unang pumapasok sa isip ko na sabihin sa kanila? Nakakahiya po kayo. Sinasabi nila na intindihin daw sila. Ginawa daw nila yun bilang respeto sa Dyos at sa relihiyon na rin nila. Hindi naman po a binabastos ko yung relihiyon ninyo, pero kung ganyan po yung paniniwala nyo, na parang wala kayong pagpapahalaga sa kapwa nyo, e hindi ko po maintindihan kung bakit hanggang ngayon may mga miyembro pa kayo. Kahit gaano karaming bigas, damit, tubig at pagkain ang ibigay nyo ngayon sa mga kababayan natin sa Visayas, hindi nun matatakpan yung minsang pinagdamutan nyo sila ng masisilungan. Eto naman e kung totoo lang naman yung nabasa ko, hano po?

Tapos meron pa dyan, sa Facebook at Twitter, yung mga mababait kunwari na puro sinasabi e kawawa naman daw yung mga kababayan natin sa Visayas. Kung mga isang bwan lang e puro ganun ang ipopost ng mga yan. Pero once na may madaanan na donation center, kahit limang pisong kupi, hindi makuhang maghulog. Utang na loob. tigilan ang panggagamit sa pangit na sitwasyon para magpaganda ng reputasyon.

Kung talagang naaawa kayo, may paraan para makatulong kayo. Kahit isang sardinas lang oh. O kaya tumulong kayo magrepack nung mga donation para mas madaling maiparating sa kanila dun. Tama na yang paupo-upo at panood-nood lang sa TV ng mga nangyayari, tapos pareact-react na kala mo sobrang apektado. Kung talagang apektado ka, marami kang pwedeng gawin para maging bahagi ng pagbangon nila. hindi sa nagmamainam ako. Tatlong oras mahigit lang akong nagrepack dun sa Red Cross at sa totoo lang wala pa kong naibibigay na donasyon. Pero kumikilos na rin kami at ginagawa lahat para kahit papano makatulong kami sa mga kababayan natin. Maraming paraan. Please lang, gumawa tayo kahit isa lang.

Kung bawat isa sa atin mag-aabot ng tulong sa Visayas, saglit lang, makakabangon na ulit sila dun. Kaya please, please lang. Tulong na. Tabang na. tayo na. Boom boom pow.

The air turned chilly yesterday. October…this is when I always start this misery that never seems to end. I'm so tired of holding on. I'm scraped and beaten and exhausted and just plain lonely, desolate, miserable.

It's just the same thing happening over and over again. This is the cycle of my life. This is the curse I gain for loving you - never being able to take one single step forward. I'm stuck here forever, ain't I?

I want it all to end. Take my heart if you must, if it means there'd be no more pain left behind. No more nights spent thinking about the what-ifs, the could-have-beens. Because I know. I know I'll always be here, fighting without you.

Bakit ka makikinig sa mga taong nagsasabing, "Magdiet ka! Ang taba mo na!"?

Una sa lahat, isa sa basic needs ng tao ang pagkain. Kahit sino siguro ang tanungin mo, una sa listahan ng pangangailangan nila ang pagkain. So as long as hindi ka obese at wala naman risk sa kalusugan mo yung katawan mo ngayon, bakit kailangan mong magpaapekto?

Lagi ko rin kasing naririnig yan. "Tumataba ka na, kain ka kasi ng kain." Eh ang dami ngang tao sa mundo na walang makain. Asin lang at kanin, magpapasalamat na sila. Yung nanay ko, nasa Hong Kong, nagkakandakuba kakakayod para mailagay sa hapag kainan namin yung paborito kong ulam, tapos sasabihin mo sakin na wag na akong kumain?

Para sa akin naman, okay lang yung katawan ko. Edi kung mukhang baboy o hippopotamus, sige na, baboy o hippopotamus na, pero at least hindi ako mababaw. Pag ba may nakasalubong kang medyo mahina yung ulo, sasabihin mo ba, "Ang bobo mo na! Hindi ka kasi nag-aaral." Hindi naman normal na sabihin yun, diba? Kaya bakit pag sa katawan, ang lakas nyo pumuna?

Yun na lang ba talaga yung mahalaga sa mundo ngayon? Yung maging sexy at maganda, para masarap sa mata? E sexy nga yung katawan, sexy ba naman yung utak? Sexy ba yung pag-uugali? Sorry ha, yung utak ko kasi, nandun sa tyan ko, kaya malaki.

Sa palagay ko, ang pangit ng ipinapakita ng society ngayon. Ang babaw ng priorities natin sa buhay. Marami dyan, dahil napuna na tumataba na, dinadamdam masyado. Nagba-binge eating. Kakain, pero pagkatapos, isusuka. Kasi sabi ng mga kaibigan nila, ang pangit na nila. Kasi yung mga utak at pang-unawa ng kaibigan nila, kasingkitid ng mga bewang nila. Eto namang si tanga, agad-agad nagpadala. Pwede naman pasok sa isang tenga, labas sa isa. Alam mo, yang mga salita, walang kapangyarihan na saktan ka kung hindi mo bibigyan. Pili-pili rin kasi ng ida-digest pag may time.

Eto advice ko sayo. Pag sinabihan ka ng ganun, na magdiet ka at ang taba mo na, edi hayaan mo lang sila! Sapakin mo ng konti tas sabihin mo, "Tumahimik ka, nagugutom ako, baka kainin kita!" Oh, tapos diba?

Hindi naman kasi porket sinabi nilang hindi magandang tingnan, eh ibig sabihin hindi na nga maganda. Helllooooo. Kaya nga may kanya-kanya tayong mata diba? Kasi iba-iba tayo ng view sa kung ano ang maganda. Para sakin, basta matatag ka at hindi ka basta basta nagpapauto sa sinasabi ng iba, lalo na kung tungkol sayo, eh sobrang ganda mo. Bongo lang naman ang naniniwala sa sinasabi ng iba tungkol sa sarili nila. Ano yun, mas kilala ka pa nila? Buhusan mo ng kumukulong tubig sa tenga.

10/05/13

Para sa dalawa kong kaibigan na nagsilbing inspirasyon ng post na to. Pag nabasa nyo to, malalaman nyo kaagad kung sino kayo. Wala akong ibang hinihiling kung hindi balang araw, makita ko kayong totoong masaya, sa piling man o hindi ng isa't isa.

Hawak mo ang kamay ko. Mahigpit. Ayokong gumalaw dahil ayokong matapos ang mga sandaling ito. Nakaw, oo. Puslit, oo. Katulad ng mga pagsulyap-sulyap mong madalas nahuhuli ko. Akala mo siguro, hindi ko napapansin. Ang totoo, wala akong ibang nakikita kapag alam kong nakatingin ka sakin.

Hawak ko ang kamay mo. Pakiramdam ko, may kuryenteng gumagapang sa balat ko. Twing nakaunan sa balikat ko yung ulo mo, parang naglalaho yung buong mundo, at walang ibang tao kung hindi ikaw at ako. Walang ibang nandito, sa matamis na panaginip na to, kung hindi tayo. Ayokong gumising. Dito lang kita pwedeng makapiling.

Wag kang aalis sa tabi ko. Gusto kong itigil yung oras pag ikaw ang kasama ko. Bawat isang segundo, taon ang katumbas sakin. Marami sana akong gustong sabihin, pero komportable ang katahimikan na namamagitan sa atin. Ito ang laging binabalik-balikan ko. Yung mga sandaling wala tayong nabibigkas na salita, pero maraming bagay ang napag-uusapan natin sa isang makahulugang tingin.

Sana, pwede akong habangbuhay lang na nakadikit sayo. Alam kong hawak ko hindi lang ang palad mo, pati na rin yung puso mo.  Kung alam ko lang na sa pagbitaw ko ay mababasag pala ito, sana, nakakapit pa rin ako kahit magsugat ang palad ko. 

Ganun rin naman yung kinalabasan ngayon. May naghuhumiyaw na kadiliman mula sa dibdib mo, at nagdurugo ang palad ko sa kapipilit na punan ang mga pagkukulang ko.

10/03/13

Ngayong gabi, higit pa sa lahat ng araw na nagdaan, nararamdaman ko yung bigat ng kawalan.

Diba dapat nga magaan sa pakiramdam, kasi wala na? Bakit nasabi ngang empty, pero ang heavy naman?

Hindi ko makuhang makalimot, kahit isang segundo. Siguro yun yung problema. Kung pwede lang na bumili ako ng eraser, tapos ikiskis lang sa isip ko para mabura na lahat, gagawin ko. Pero sabi ng mga kaibigan ko, ang isip, nakakalimot, walang problema, kaya yan. Pero ang puso, patuloy na kikilala at makakaalala. 

Parang tama nga yun. Three years ago, iyak ako ng iyak, pilit kang tinatabihan. Naging pangalawang tahanan ko yung damo sa lupa kung saan ka tuluyang natago. Wala namang masyadong nagbago. Hanggang ngayon, nalulungkot ako. Hanggang ngayon, namamanhid yung buong katawan ko kapag pinagbibigyan ko yung puso kong sumilip sa mga ala-ala.

Pakiramdam ko ngayon, isa ako sa mga pinakamalungkot na tao sa mundo. Kung iisipin talaga, medyo OA. Sasabihin ng iba, bakit ba hindi maka move on, eh wala na nga diba? Hindi kasi nila naiintindihan. Para akong naglipat bahay, at hanggang ngayon, nakakahon pa rin karamihan sa mga gamit dahil hindi ko maramdaman na magtatagal ako sa bagong lugar na to. Sayo lang naman kasi ako komportable. Sayo lang naman kasi ako nagpakapamilyar. 

Kinabisado kita. Hanggang ngayon, saulado ko pa kung pano tumaas yung kilay mo pag iniinis mo ko. Kung panong wala ka nang mata pag tumatawa ka. Alam pa ng palad ko kung ano yung pakiramdam na hawakan yung kamay mo. Nag-uunahan na naman yung mga luha ko sa pag-asang dadating ka ulit para tuyuin sila sa pisngi ko.

Ang bigat ng ulo ko. Punong-puno kasi sa tunog ng boses mo. Naaamoy ko sa hangin yung amoy ng buhok mo. Pag pumipikit ako, nakikita pa rin kita....masaya, kuntento, wala nang ibang hihilingin pa. 

Yung isip ko, siguro, balang araw, makakalimot pa. Magiging blurred rin yung mukha mo sa mga panaginip ko. Unti-unti kong makakalimutan yung lamig ng boses mo. Maglalaho rin yung pakiramdam ng palad mo sa palad ko, luluwag din yung dibdib ko na hanggan ngayon niyayakap mo. Pero yung puso ko...habang buhay memory full sa'yo. Patuloy na mananabik, laging maghihintay sa araw na pwede na ulit. Siguro, sa kabilang mundo. Yung mundong nandito ka pa rin sa tabi ko, nangungulit, nag-aalala, nag-aalaga. Kung pwede lang talaga. Kung may paraan lang sana.

Nalulungkot na naman ako. Umuulan na naman kasi. Naaalala ko na naman kasi lahat ng bagay na isa-isa kong pilit kinalimutan. Akala ko ba, pag ginusto mo, makakaya mo? Hindi naman yata. Matagal-tagal ko na ring niloloko yung sarili ko, pero hanggang ngayon, hindi pa ako ganun kakumbinsido.

Ang hirap sa isip ko, ayaw nyang tumigil eh. Ikot ng ikot ng ikot ng ikot, pabalik-balik sa mga eskinitang wala namang ibang patutunguhan kung hindi ang isa't-isa. Ako na nga yung napapagod eh. Kung may switch lang yung isip, siguro, matagal nang naka-off yung sakin. Kung bumbilya to, hindi ko na rin kailangan i-off yung switch, kasi, sigurado ako, matagal na syang napundi.

Yung orasan namin, nasira na't lahat, pero ako, eto, naghihintay pa rin. Yung orasan kasi, de-baterya. Ako, hindi. Araw-araw may charge, sa ayaw at sa gusto ko. Ang sarap sigurong malowbatt paminsan-minsan. Yung tipong tahimik lahat, pati konsensya ko. Walang magbubulong sakin na, "sana pala...", walang ingay. Walang kahit anong pipilit sakin na gumising, bumangon, piliting makatagpos ng isang araw. Isang araw na walang saya. Isang araw na naman na wala ka.

Sa totoo lang, sulat ako ng sulat tungkol sayo. Meron naman nang iba eh. Nakalampas na nga, kasi hindi ko pa yata kaya. Ang arte ko, diba? Ewan ko nga ba. Hindi ka naman perfect. Ang daming bagay tungkol sayo na hindi ko naman talaga gusto, pero twing maiisip ko na yung mga nararamdaman ko sayo eh nararamdaman mo naman para sa kanya, parang paminta yung puso ko. Durog.

Ang dami kong sinasabi. Isa lang naman talaga yung gusto kong itanong sayo eh. Masaya ka na ba talaga? Kung hindi, pwede bang bumalik ka na? Kasi gusto kong malaman mo na mali yung ginawa mong pag-alis. Gusto kong malaman mo na ito yung tama...yung tayo. Minsan, nararamdaman ko na ganito rin yung iniisip mo. Hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit pinipigilan mo yung sarili mo, kahit ako naman talaga yung nasaktan. Ako naman tong mag-isa. Ako naman tong si tanga na hanggang ngayon, umiiyak pag umuulan.

It's tragic how I find sadness one of the most beautiful things in the world. Nothing calms me more than isolation. I seek refuge in solidarity. I am but a soul trapped in a perfectly healthy body of a perfectly lonely girl, looking up at the stars, wondering when she will find home.

08 | 19 | 13

Here's an advice: if you're doing whatever it is you're doing now to please someone besides yourself, stop.

Just stop. Because 1) it won't make you happy in the long run, 2) you might not even gain their affection, and 3) there's a huge possibility that you'll get hurt.

So stop.

Stop trying to be good for someone else, because news flash: you'll never be good enough. Not for your parents, not for your friends, not for anyone you thought cared about you. If it won't contribute to your own personal happiness, why the hell are you doing it?

Stop.

You have no one to please but yourself.

08/13/13

Tatlong taon na pala.

Sa sobrang busy ko, ngayon ko lang naalala. Tatlong taon na pala. Parang ang bilis, pero at the same time, ang tagal na rin. Hindi ko maintindihan. Minsan, yung sakit, nanunuot sa akin. Nararamdaman ko, parang isa-isang binabali yung mga buto ko. Ganun pala yun. Sabi nila, "heartache" daw, pero ramdam naman sya ng buong katawan.

Dati, para akong nangangapa sa dilim. Hindi ko talaga alam kung saan ako magsisimula. Gabi-gabi akong nagtatanong, kaya ko pa ba? Siguro. Pero pano? Pano nga bang kalimutan ang isang taong nagbigay sayo ng napakaraming ala-ala?

Ngayon ko lang naiintindihan, hindi naman pala kita kailangang kalimutan. Ang kailangan lang pala, tanggapin ko na wala ka na. Kailangan ko lang palang kumbinsihin yung sarili ko na wag nang maghintay, kasi hindi naman roundtrip ang buhay. hindi ka na babalik. Hindi na kita makikita ulit. Kahit kailan, hindi ko na malalaman yung sagot mo sa napakarami kong mga tanong.

Sana pala, nung nandito ka pa, sinabi ko na sayo lahat ng gusto kong malaman mo. Sana hindi ako nagpadala sa takot na baka magkaiba pala tayo ng pananaw sa buhay. Kung alam ko lang, sinulit ko na yung presence mo. Nagpakalunod sana ako sa tunog ng boses mo. Dinala ko sana sa isip ko bawat salitang sinabi mo.

Hinayaan lang kita, kasi akala ko, nandyan ka lang lagi, kagaya ng sinabi mo. Nanghihinayang ako sa lahat ng pagkakataon na pinalampas ko, at kung nasaan ka man ngayon, sana hindi ka nagsisisi ng ganito. Akala ko kasi, lahat ng bagay permanente. Akala ko kasi, may oras pa.

07/07/2013

There's a war happening inside my head. It is as loud as my silence in the real world. There have been countless numbers of casualties. My enemies and allies lay motionless, unidentifiable lumps of lifeless bodies.

Explosions keep me awake at night. There are battle cries playing in my head, so loud that it's like they're being whispered in my ear. There are wounds my eyes don't see, but the pain is too real for my heart not to feel.

There's chaos everywhere from the words fired, each one a bullet raging to pierce my rib. I'm torn apart, left to bleed to death on the cold, hard ground. The air I desperately need smells of grief and despair. I tell myself I can do this, I will get through this, but the better, smarter part of me knows that I might not. 

There's a war happening inside my head. I don't know if I'm strong enough to last through the night.

It rained today while I was on the bus, trying to chase any feelings you have left for me.

I had no destination in mind. I got a ticket, paid for it, picked a seat, put my earphones on, then tuned the rest of the world out. Today, there was no one on my mind but you.

You think I'm crazy for loving to do things like this. Maybe I am, but I regret nothing. I could breathe today. I could close my eyes and listen to Lana Del Rey sing my sadness away. I could stare out the window, watch the trees fade into a distant blur and sigh without anyone breathing down my neck for it. I was cleansed.

The best part wasn't watching the raindrops run after one another down the glass window. It wasn't feeling the warmth of the sun after shivering in the cold. It wasn't being able to just be alone when I needed it most.

The best part was arriving at my destination and finding you there, waiting for me like you knew I'd be there all along.

STAY.

I'm starting to realize how poisonous it can be to be the one who's left believing you could have done better. To think that there was something you should have done to save something you threw away without so much as a blink of an eye is a terrible burden to carry.

There are times when I think back on what I could have said a few years ago - words that would have saved something good, something that was probably the best thing I have ever had in life. I can barely remember when I was last happy. I spend so much time rewinding my memories, trying to hold on to the strings of hope floating in the air, wishing that somehow, he still remembers me. Reasoning that he must, for his world once revolved around me. Fooling myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe, thoughts of me keep him up at night, too.

And then it dawns on me why I am where I am today. Slowly, these pictures arrange themselves into fragments of the distant past. I remember how he let me go to bed mad or sad or both, without even bothering to help calm me down. I remember how easy it was for him to let me walk away, simply because he couldn't bear to be man enough to admit his mistakes. I remember how much I loved him, so much so that there was a map on my skin, angry lines of roads that might lead me to the page he was on, because we were never on the same one.

I remember everything.

I remember saying, "Slow down, I'm not ready to lose you."

The sound of his footsteps walking away was the soundtrack to my nightmares.

There's nothing funny about suicide jokes.

I know I'm overreacting and some people are just trying to lighten up the situation but there are a lot of ways to do that. If you want to strike up a conversation about it, then do so, but be respectful. Don't text everyone saying SUICIDE IS IN TODAY! WHO WANTS TO BE IN? HAHAHA like it's something to laugh about. How would you feel if you killed yourself and everyone you wished to care laughed about your death instead?

These people drove themselves to the extreme for a reason. Because of people like you who don't give a care about their lives. Their families are grieving. How could anyone have bones to just toss these families' pains aside just to prove how cool they are just because they can laugh about matters like this?

Sigh.

People suck.

I've always wanted to do this.

Sit on the passenger side of the car, you behind the wheel, greens and blues whirring past as your foot hits the gas.

I look up at you and see something I've always wanted to see.

I didn't even know I was waiting for you - I was just sitting on the steps of my house, wondering why I was even there - until you came.

You took my hand and held the door for me, and then you said, "Where do you want to go?", and I said, "Nowhere in particular."

And so here we are, driving to nowhere in particular, letting the air be filled with comfortable silence, making conversation with the words we leave unsaid. Your hand reaches for mine, and I let you hold it for as long as you wish to, because there might not be another time.

After all, something as magical as this, if this surely is not a dream, then it is a fragile reality which we must thread on carefully, for the slightest shift can make it shatter.

Your face is calm. You are not smiling, but you are happy. I can tell by the twinkling of your eyes, there are words swirling in your mind, words you don't dare say because they might not make sense. Oh, but how they do.


I roll the window down, fill my lungs with the fresh, cool air. Closing my eyes, I squeeze your hand, and I know that you know what I yearn to say.

I've always wanted to do this.

I wish you wouldn't see me.

I wish you wouldn't talk to me.

I wish you wouldn't say you've been thinking about me on a certain summer day, when the air is warm and there are crisp green leaves on your lawn, just like that very first day I came over and sat beneath the oak tree with you.

I wish you wouldn't ask me how I am, not because I don't want you to, because we both know it's one of the things that make me happy, but because I could lie to you and say I'm fine, or I could tell you the truth and explain why I'm not, and either way, you wouldn't really care.

It may be the hardest thing, to believe that I'm still going on about you - about us, after all this time. The truth is, centuries could pass by and I probably still would be smitten, head over heels not over you. You have been to me what I never thought I would have in my entire life - hope. 

What hurts most is when I think about how you never really meant to hurt me. They'd say boys will be boys, and it's true, you can be a real jerk when you want to, but if I'm sure about only one thing in the world, it's that not once did you plan to break me the way you had; the way you still do.

You've been good. Too good, even, from the very beginning to the last and final goodbye. Remember how you told me you understood? I wish you hadn't. I wish you asked me why, at least once, so that I could tell you what was wrong. You thought you were giving me an easy way out, holding the door as I leave, believing so strongly that you weren't good enough for me. But you were. How I wish you knew you were. 

I wish I could say it's hard to remember how it was with us, but it was the best time of my life, and it haunts me day by day. You're happy, and I'm happy knowing this, but can you really blame me for wanting to know if any of that was real?

If you were the one stuck where I am right now, would you write your heart out to me?

There are things I wish I hadn't known or seen. I'm not afraid of pain; I'm afraid of it changing me into something I don't want to be.

I'm selfish. I am, cause after all these years, I don't want you to be happy with anyone else. I stay up at night wishing you'd miss me enough to seek me out again, like you always did before. I realize it's not happening, but I keep on waiting for things to take a turn for the better.

Right now, more than anything, I just wish I hadn't seen that picture. You stood beside her, smiling like you've never been happier, your arms wrapped around each other. It reminds me of those times I refused to take a picture with you, because I didn't want to have anything to hold on to in case I feel exactly the way I do right now. I'm regretting it more and more.

I don't suppose I want you back. I don't even like you anymore. Sometimes, we just hate seeing others pick up what we have thrown away. Sometimes, I hate that she has restored you back to the amazing person you once were, something I wasn't able to do. Sometimes, I wonder how much better my life would have been if I hadn't met you.

I'm busy with the tape and the glue.

My chest still constricts when I think of you.

Even now, after all this time, when everyone thinks I'm ok, I'm not even fine at all. And I can't find the words to tell anyone exactly how I feel.

It's like there's a hole in me. Not in my chest, but in me. And I've tried everything that might work but nothing is fit to fill it in. Sometimes, it's as if I'm gong crazy. I pull at my hair as if somehow, you'd be here to stop me.

Maybe it's just the weather. It's been really cold these past few days, and the skies would turn gray, but it never rains, which should be a good thing because the rain reminds me of you. Instead, I curl up  and make myself as small as I feel, and wish it would just pour. Because I want to remember. Because lately, you're starting to get blurry. My memories can't get your smile right anymore. Your laughter sounds wrong in my head. And the sound of your voice is not as clear as it used to. And I'm trying my hardest to hold on to these fading pieces of you, because they're all I have left.

Maybe it's the way they've all moved on, and I'm still stuck in bubbles of you. We'll never be whole again, this much I know. When you went, you took a bit of each of us with you, and there's no getting them back. But they've moved on. They talk about you as if you're still there with us, your eyes crinkling as you laugh. And that hurts me, because I'm not there yet, and I feel alone.

I'm trying to hold myself together, but bits of me are starting to fall out, and it's all because of you.

2K13!!!!

Hi. I haven't been here in a while. It's because I'm sooo busy, like seriously, I feel like I don't even have the right to breathe anymore. So here are a couple of things we have to accomplish these coming weeks:

1. CWTS Tree Planting Activity (January 19)
2. CWTS Livelihood Seminar (January 26)
3. Thesis Defense (January 22)
4. CWTS Feeding Program (February 2)
5. CWTS Feeding Program 2 (February 9)
6. 8th Annual Chefs on Parade (February 12-13)
7. PE Field Demo (February 14-15)
8. CWTS Kasalang Bayan (Mass Wedding Ceremony) (February 16)

That's only some of our responsibilities. We also still have our other subjects which are equally demanding in terms of time, effort and money.

I don't know how to be a good leader, this is a fact. I'm moody and temperamental and I don't like repeating things. I hate it when people refuse to do as I say, especially when I've begged them once. And in these activities, I'm given the responsibility to lead my classmates and make them follow me. The problem is, I don't know how.

It's so tiring, preparing for these things and having to keep up with my studies at the same time, but thankfully, I manage it all, somehow. I just hope I can keep it up. I know it's only going to be harder as time comes.

Well, there goes the first few weeks of my 2013. It's not much, but at least it isn't boring.