Sunday, April 24, 2011

Three Of Your Biggest Fears.

When I was a little girl of about seven or eight, I was so engrossed with playing outside (I was rarely allowed to do this) that I didn't notice that  a) it was already getting dark and b) my family,and I mean everyone from my family,was nowhere in near sight.

When I asked my neighbors where they were, they told me that they were in my other house, which was like five minutes away if I'd walk. So walk I did, but I was so scared of the drunkards and the dark combined, but I still tried to remain calm. However, when I got to the road by a particular neighbor's house which I've only entered once, and never returned to, simply because I wasn't really friends with the kids there and they had no electricity and clean water, someone called my attention with a "psssst!' so I turned to look, but there was no one. I decided to continue walking, even though I was really freaked out, and then it happened again. This time, when I looked, a girl in white with long hair, about my height, was at the door, staring straight back at me, making weird sounds with her throat. I was so scared that I shook and ran in circles, and then I entered their yard screaming and crying, and then I ran home. When I got there, my father was sitting on the wooden bench outside, trying to calm me down, asking me what was wrong, so I told him, and we went back to our neighbor's house. My father spoke to the old lady there and told her that one of her grandchildren played a prank on me, and that she should reprimand the girl.

She said all of her grandchildren were still at the junk shop, selling whatever it was they got for the day. Until today, we all don't know if that was really a white lady, or if someone really was responsible for it, but one thing's for sure. I'm afraid of ghosts.

When I was in sixth grade, our class had a Girl Scout Camp held in the largest elementary school in town. One of the things I wasn't excited about when camping was that I always got sick on the second day, so that my father and grandmother always insisted that they visited me, just in case.

My classmates thought it was really sweet, and most of the time they envied me. My family would visit me nightly, bringing me food and other stuff the other kids didn't have. Like usual, I got sick, and they were convincing me to come home with them on the last night of camp, but I said no. Luckily, I said no.

The next day, when I got home, my sister told me that my aunt found a snake on my side of the bed the other day. It was a poisonous kind,and even until now, typing about it, I still get goosebumps. My aunt was able to kill it, but ever since that day, I wasn't able to go to bed without worrying that there might be another one.

Days after that, I was hanging out with my best friend in his house. His mom was about to cook rice, and their kitchen didn't have a concrete floor. Their sink was made of bamboo sticks, and there was this huge drum of water in the corner, right below the improvised stove.

She was leaning down to fetch water from the drum when the dipper fell to the ground, and when she bent over to get it, there she saw a snake, curled beside the drum. She called my friend and they killed it with a broomstick, but since then, I've been terrified of snakes so much that I can't look at them on TV, on a computer, or even in books.

My third fear is something every one of us fears, that's to grow old alone and never really reach my full potential. I've always dreamed of having a family of my own, and I can't imagine myself not having kids, a stable job, someone to come home to. To me, it's more like a goal, and I admit that I'm sometimes guilty of rushing fate and not trusting whatever force is out there that brings people's lives together. I can't imagine myself looking back one day to this very day and wondering why I was sitting in front of this wheezing machine instead of out fulfilling my dreams. I've got to do something, but I'm also scared of failing.

Saturday, April 23, 2011


Three Of Your Favorite Movies and Three Songs You Could Put On Repeat Forever


1. Sarah, Ang Munting Prinsesa (Filipino version of A Little Princess)
2. Memoirs Of A Geisha
3. Message In A Bottle


1. Gone by Jim Chappell
2. 18th Floor Balcony by Blue October
3. 4:35 AM by Gemma Hayes

Friday, April 22, 2011

A Random Post On A Silent April Night.

Let me start by saying I LOVE writing. I'm not the best one around and I never opted to be, but writing has gotten me through the toughest times in my life.

For some, it's music. Others get saved by their passion for singing, dancing, acting, helping people. For me, nothing does it better than writing.

Sometimes, it can be a realy dangerous thing. My imagination is so limitless, I sometimes think that as long as I can write it, it can happen. Some of my craziest, most impossible dreams are born on paper, squeezed in between the pages of my black garter bound journal, written during the days' most ridiculous times. There are nights when my mind feels so light and empty that it just floats away, up with the clouds, and only then can I write.

When I write, I'm a princess. That, or a really rich girl whose money is used mostly to buy groceries and paper bags, distributed evenly to the unwealthy families who live in a faraway mountain, whose kids run to hug my knees when they see me arriving fifty feet away. When I write, all is right with the world. I've found true love, I have the perfect set of friends, and my family doesn't get into loud, stupid and shallow arguments. When I write, there are pink clouds over green, grassy hills where all kinds of flowers bloom and dance with the wind. The moon smiles down at night, lullabies sound just like the waves crashing by the shore. When I write, there's a whirlwind of colors, like an abstract painting when the artist can't decide which palette to use, for everything is too beautiful to be left out.

When I write, it's as if the suffocating walls of this room are peeling themselves down one by one, revealing a world filled with butterflies and hummingbirds and tarts and custards and cakes and candy canes. I get transported to a place where happiness is the currency, and everyone smiles and says hello and "I'm sorry," no matter how silly the things they're sorry for are. There are no guns, no war, no one clutching his or her stomach because he or she had to skip lunch and the breakfast before and the diner before that. Politics, race, and religion don't exist. People come as they are. No one gets called gay, lesbian, black, white. You get noticed for the who you are, not for what you are or what people think you are or you should be. When I write, everyone who does good is given due honor. Everyone who does wrong, forgiven and given a chance to start over until they can do it right.

When I write, the world I know becomes the world I want to know. I stand up high in space and look down and see the Earth, and it wears a genuine smile stretched upon its face. How I wish.... How I wish the whole world would take a moment of silence and for once, write.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Three People Who Changed Your Life.

1. Andrea Kelley

Let's be straight, every girl needs an Andrea Kelley in her life at some point. Not only every girl, but every person. I think I was destined to know that a person like Andrea exists just so I could open my eyes and see life in a bigger picture, different perspective, better view. I can honestly say that through Andrea's encouragement, support, and faith, I've come so far as to accepting myself for who I really am. I've learned to fight for my dreams and get back up when life trips me and brings me down. I've changed a lot for the better because of what I see in her. Her passion for love is burning so bright, it's impossible not to want to feel it when you see it. She makes me want to be a part of something magical, of the things I read in books with happy endings. Because of her, I'm hopeful.

2. My Grandmother

My grandma is one of those people who believe that money can't buy you happiness. While I think it's nobel what she does for other people, sometimes, it feels like it's all too much and too selfless too. All my life, I've been making bad decisions and mistakes here and there, but she never made me feel like I'm a lost cause. All I ever heard from her was "it's ok, you can try again as long as you want to." That's how forgiving she is, and that's why so many people respect her, and run to her for advice. She's loved, and I want that. Most of the time, I pretend I don't care, when really, all I want to be when I'm old and gray is just like her. She always reminds me that there's more to life than getting what you want, and that the feelig of accomplishment you get when you've given yourself what you deserve is nothing when you don't share it with others.

3. ---

I haven't met this person yet. This space is allotted to whoever you are that I'm fated to spend the rest of my life with. I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to tell you all about the things that scare me, my stories of the past, and show you my childhood pictures. I can't wait for us to relate to each other our lives before we met, and I can't wait to build memories with you that we'll pass on to the family we'll have. I haven't met you yet, or maybe I have, and I just don't know that it's you, but there's one thing I'd like to tell you. I miss you.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I Want To Lay The Pieces At Your Feet.


Bone chilling,gut wrenching, I-want-to-curl-up-in-a-ball-and-cry kind of loneliness. Have you ever felt that for no reason at all?

I feel empty. In movies, it's those scenes they compile where the heroin stares at a distance,serenaded by an empty,hauntig lullaby. It's the sound of wooshing trees on a silent afternoon in April, when the sun is so high up and the sunbeams are scattered all over the floor of your living room. It's that one single moment when you're busy doing something,and then suddenly,you feel the need to stop,and you do,and memories of the past come flashing on your mind,and you blink back the tears....And you ask yourself if those things really happened,if you've really been there,awake,aware of your own presence,or if it's all just another chapter of your convenient hallucinations,created in your mind,by your mind, to give you an excuse to cry.

I'll close my eyes,and all I see is myself,sitting at a coffee shop,or dancing in circles around endless fields of vibrant colors,some days more alive than others. I see myself smiling, I see my anticipation building up every time someone comes near,wondering if that someone,finally,is you. I sit, I laugh, I fret and fuss and tremble. Most of all, I stay,waiting for something,for someone....for you.

I fool myself most of the time,saying all I need is sleep. It's become an addiction,a fire exit for when I don't know what else is there for me to try.I sleep,and all I dream about is you.Faceless, voiceless, nameless you. It's become the sweetest,easiest way for me to escape the things on this planet that I can't change. Sometimes, giving up seems to be the smartest thing to do.

But I can't. I have yet to find you, to collect all the torn pages of myself,to lay the pieces at your feet. Ubtil then,I'll sleep.

RIP, AJ Perez.

Four years ago, when I was a freshman in College, there was this teen oriented drama shown in ABS-CBN every Saturday afternoon. It was called Abt Ur Luv, starring some of the country's most sought after teen actors that time.

One of them happened to be Antonello Joseph Sarte Perez, more popularly known as AJ Perez. He wasn't that good in delivering his lines, but he had those really gorgeous lips that made my jaw drop and made me want to make out with our TV set. Just kidding. He was cute, he could dance, and his role was that of a perfect gentleman.

Today, after lunch, I was watching TV with my sister. I got up to get a glass of water when this Breaking News segment came on, informing the people of what to expect for tonight's news. One of them said "teen actor AJ Perez died of a vehicular accident." Immediately, I ran back to the living room to make sure I heard the TV right. Unfortunately, I did.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a super fan of him nowadays. I've moved past that teeny bopper stage wherein I'd get really giddy whenever I saw him on screen. I was like that four years ago. Still, it's hard to wrap my head around the fact that he's dead, and he's only 18.

AJ's friends were iterviewed and all they could say about him were good words. It still feels weird, seeing death hitting the people you know, the people you've come to love, especially when they're this young, full of energy and dreams. When I pass by a funeral in some other places, I don't really feel it because of course, I have no idea who's dead, what they did with their lives, and what they left for the ones they love to remember. This, however, is different.

It's like I grew up seeing him on TV, and each time I did, he always had that ready smile. He was cheerful and full of life. It's hard to believe that something like this could happen to any of us until it does. I guess we all push the thoughts of death aside because it's not something we have brevity to face. It's like if we don't think or talk about it, it doesn't exist. But the truth of the matter is it does, and whatever we do, it something no one can ever escape.

It made me ask myself how I'd like to be remembered when I'm dead. If anyone would even feel some kind of pain while they reminisce what I did. Because of this, I'm now driven to live every day as if it's my last. I know it sounds like an awful cliche, but we really have no idea what might happen tomorrow. I'm done taking this life for granted. I'm young. I have a wild imagination and I believe that I can do whatever I can imagine. So what's stopping me?

Right now, nothing.

RIP, AJ Perez.
February 17, 1993 - April 17, 2011
You'll always be remembered. <3

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Three Things You Regret

I remember when a friend asked me to write an essay for him, and I wrote something about regrets. It's funny, now that I think about it, because it was entitled Regret: A Bitter Pill To Swallow, and he'll never know that it was FOR him, too, about how I was still not over him, and how I regretted treating him so badly. We all regret something, it's true. It's sad to say that as much as I try to live life to the fullest, I still end up regretting some things. It's a road we can't avoid.

One of the biggest regrets I have is putting up walls and not letting the people I love in. I've always been stubborn and I always thought I could make it on my own. When I was five, I wanted to prove that I could cross the street, so I did, and I was almost run by a construction truck. That was not the last time I jumped into the muddy water head first. I've always tried to make the world see that I could make it on my own, so I attended this High School where I knew no one. Again, big mistake. I keep my feelings and thoughts to myself, and I never let my family help me. I always end up regretting everything and wishing I could go back in time and change everything, but all I can really do is remember all the lessons I've learned, and never make the same mistake again. Which never happens.

I also regret not telling people or showing them how much I love them before it's too late. One of the hardest things in life for me is saying goodbye. I'd do anything to avoid a goodbye, honestly. I get so attached to people (or even things) that sometimes it's so hard to figure out how I've managed to live before them. I've lost my father seven years ago, and when I think about it, I need him now more than ever. I often wonder how life would be different if he was still here, but as they say, things happen for a reason. I don't know the reason why he had to be out of our lives so early, but I'm holding on to that hope that something good is to come out of it.

Lastly, I regret ever taking my life for granted. It's one of the saddest truths I'll ever say, but I did take the last few years for granted. All those wasted days, the money I spent on pure nothing, the afternoons I could have spent with family and friends, the things I threw away thinking I'd get something better. They all made me who I am today, but the question is, would I have been a better person if I did anything differently? I'll never know. I'll always be stuck here wondering.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Three Things You Do Daily

In all honesty, I don't know what to write here. I'm such a boring person that the only thing I can think of is lie around the house and wait till it's time to eat. Okay, that's more lazy than boring.

1. Listen to music.

Sometimes, I take a bus, destinationless, just so I can have some alone time with music. Music's like everything to me. I hate it when people talk to me when I'm enjoying my music. I know it might sound rude, but it's really annoying because I'm not one to talk unless I want to. People don't seem to know that when I'm thinking about something, I drown my thoughts with music because I overanalyze things. I dislike talking. Talking always ruins it.

2. Buy Yakult.

I don't buy it for myself. It's for the kids at home waiting for me every afternoon, Yeyey and my godson, Raven. By the way, in case anyone's wondering what Yakult is, it's that little soy drink from Japan with live lactobacilli shirota strain. They say it's good for the tummy and it's tastes good too.

3. Think about things.

Mostly about how some things would turn out to be in the future. It's like a puzzle everyday, we're given one piece each day until finally, we can see the whole picture, and it all makes sense. It fascinates me ow things work here. There were days when I once thought I wouldn't live to see this day, but here I am now. There were things I thought I'd never overcome, but they're all forgotten now and just memories. It's kind of wonderful, if you'll ask me.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Three Of Your Favorite Foods.

I like eating a lot, but not lately because of the stress I went through. There are a lot of foods I'd consider my favorites, but I only have to choose three, so here they are.

1. Cupcakes

I'm not really a chocolate or candy kind of person. I love chocolates and candies, but I'm not that crazy for them right now. Also, I like candies better than chocolates. BUT I so adore cupcakes. I like making an icing batter and coloring them and topping cupcakes with them. My favorite brand of cupcake is Regent's Cheese Cake. It has this butter-y filling at the center, and the cupcakes itself is delicious and soft. I can eat a dozen without stopping, I'm not even kidding.

2. Jollibee's Palabok Fiesta

If you're Filipino, there's just no way for you to not be acquainted with Jollibee. Almost every Filipino kid grows up with Jollibee. I should know. I did. McDonald's is like the world's number 1 fast food chain, but not in the Philippines. Once you've tried Jollibee's Chickenjoy and Palabok Fiesta, you'd understand. I always find myself craving for those.

3. Pork Adobo

I'm a weird girl with a strange addiction for Pork Adobo. I used to hate this food a lot, because according to my stick thin elementary self, pork adobo was a bunch of cube cut pork made of 3/4 fat and 1/4 lean meat thrown into a caserole of boiling soy sauce and vinegar and water and pepper, which makes it taste like fried pork chops dipped in soy sauce, only it wasn't fried. Yeah, I know. It doesn't make sense to me now either.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Three Things On Your To-Do List

It's summer break, so I don't really know what I have to do, but last summer was awesome and I kinda wish this summer would be like that. Hm. If my life....and frame of mind right now permits, these are some things I'd like to do.

1. Start over.

This is the most important thing to me right now. I'm sure my family's still upset with me for the things I've done, and it'll take time for them to heal and forgive me completely....Or maybe that won't ever happen at all, but here's what I know: I have to forgive myself. I want to forgive myself for screwing up, pull a clean, new slate, and start over. Maybe I'd scrawl a quote on a note pad and pin it to my wall to always remind me.

No one can go back and make a new beginning, but everyone can start and make a new ending.

Or  something like that. I'd look it up and pin it to my wall to give me the motivation I need to pick myself up and act on living a better life.

2. Read a book.

I've been reading this book called What Matters Most For Teens for quite some time now and I'm still yet to finish. It's a good self help book and I can say it has helped me understand life a little better, and why things happen when they do. I plan to finish it this summer. I have nothing better to do.

3. Return to God.

I've been all kinds of lazy these days when it comes to church. I'd make excuses so I wouldn't go, when really, I just felt so guilty facing God when I felt like I had no right to. But now that I've set myself free, I think it's about time God and I shake hands again. I really want to be a better person, not only for myself but for everyone around me. Being good feels good....

Friday, April 8, 2011

Three Weaknesses Of Yours

Like I've said on my previous post, I'm one of the weakest people here on Earth. I have too many vices....Nothing illegal, thankfully, but I'm not saying they're good,either. Let's list those three and get it over with?

1. Money

This is my blog and I'm going to be completely honest,or else it'd be pointless. Yup. Let's be truthful. I love money, I do...But I never worship it. I just love spending bucks on books, hello kitty stuff, anything I want to see in my bedroom. I know it's not good, and I know it's not right, and I'm trying to work on it because I know that one day it'll be the thing to tear me down. I'm just saying I came to the point where I lied to my family to get more money. I'm ashamed of myself now that I'm looking back on it, but that time when I was doing it, all that was on my mind was the frenzy, the good,good feeling of having so much money and planning what to buy, where to buy, when to buy. It was like a nightmare.

2. Being A Dreamer

In my head, there's this little castle wherein everything I dream becomes real. It's very dangerous to live in my head, if you'll ask me. One day I'm a chef with a five star restaurant somewhere in Paris, the next, I'm a plain housewife tending to my beautiful daughters and waiting for my beautiful husband to come back home, in a dress on our lush green front yard. My being a dreamer has helped me cope with life a lot, but it sometimes goes as far as me refusing to go out and live in the real world again, because the world in my head is a much better place. I often watch romance movies and my expectations in guys raise up to the fringes of the skies, and I end up wondering what's wrong with us. It's so hard, having this unshakable faith that things will turn out the way I want them to,because I actually expect them to. And this world.....disappoints me time and time again.

3. My Family

The lengths I would go to keep my family together can never be measured. I love them and I'll do anything for them. We're not a perfect family. We have our rows every now and then, and I think it's safe to say that I'm the black sheep, always the rebel and spoiled one, but I'd be lying if I said I was unhappy. Sure, we're not always happy, my aunt and I always fight because she wouldn't cook, or I left my socks on the floor, shallow things like that, but every family have little squabbles every once in a while. Let's just say, without them, I'd be nothing.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Three Strengths Of Yours

I'd like to think I'm naturally strong, but the truth is, I'm weak. I easily give in to temptation or pressure, and most of the time, I can't stand firm on my decisions. I'm one of the weakest people on Earth, but there are things and people who give me strength and keep me going on.

My sister is my reason for living right now. Ever since we've lost our parents, we've lived with our grandparents and aunts, and there are times when it feels like it's the two of us against the world. She's my only basic family left, and when I think about the future, I always see her in it. I can't imagine living without my sister. I'd literally swallow a bullet for her.

My grandmother is one of the best people in the world. She's a strong woman. She's been through a lot but she never gave up. She's also one of the kindest hearts ever, and she'll help people for as much as she can. She is my inspiration, and even though I don't say it often, I aspire to be just like her someday.

There are things we don't see, and sometimes we don't even feel, but we can't deny their existence. Like the wind. Like God. I'm not one of those uber religious people that preach on buses and the streets. I don't always give enough tiths, I drink, and I've tried smoking (and gave up after one stick, it was awful), in short, I'm no saint, but I have faith. Things don't always go my way. I make a lot of mistakes throughout the days, but at the end of each, at night, I look back at all the things I've done, and believe it or not, they somehow make sense. My faith in God assures me that all those things I've done in the past have lead me to be the person I am today. Stronger, not always happy, but it's not so bad. It just feels so good to know that no matter what I do, I'll never be alone. Someone will always love me for me, and see me through. I don't know where I'll be without my faith in God.

Would You Know How To Fix Me?

I'm home again. I buckled under pressure and ran away from all my problems, too scared to face my family, the people, the things that haunt me. I left my family a letter that told them everything, from my depression to my being irresponsible, asking for forgiveness and help.

Yes, I ran away from home. Yes, I cried the whole time I was on the bus because I was scared. I was scared of being forgotten, that nobody would look for me, that they'd confirm what I feel-that I'm nothing but a nuisance to our family. Yes, if you'll lift my shirt up, you;ll find cuts on my stomach. Yes, I starve myself to the point of having a very upset stomach because of eating just a piece of bread for days because I feel fat and ugly. I feel like no one will ever love me. Yes, I only have a handful of friends that I can turn to, and most of them are people I met online. Yes, most days, I feel like locking myself up in a dark room and crying till I run out of tears. Yes, I've thought about taking my own life multiple times, and I'm still thinking about it now.

I came home and my grandmother acted as if I was never gone. As if nothing happened. I headed straight to my room and blasted my music, almost tearing the walls down. Do you want to know why I ran away? Picture this. Picture my aunt cracking my bedroom door open, turning the lights on, staring me down. That's exactly what she did just now. She spoke a sentence of blame, stared at me for a long time, turned the lights off, then shut the door closed behind her. It was the most degrading thing I've ever experienced and I know I'd have that look in my mind for the rest of my life.

I just wish I could undo all the things I've done so she'd be happy with me for once. I've had enough of her trying to mold me to perfection or whatever her idea of being perfect is cause I'm not. I'm not perfect. I'm depressed and flawed and lonely and suicidal and they all refuse to see that and I don't know why.

I need help. I so need help but they won't even acknowledge that there's a problem. I'm so tired of life. :(

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Ten Day Three Challenge

10 Day “Three” Challenge

10. Three Strengths of Yours
9. Three Weaknesses of Yours
8. Three Things on Your To-Do List
7. Three of Your Favorite Foods
6. Three Things You Do Daily
5. Three Things You Regret
4. Three People Who Changed your Life
3. Three of Your Favorite Movies
2. Three Songs You Could Put On Repeat Forever
1. Three of Your Biggest Fears