Thursday, June 23, 2011

A Not So Beautiful Mess

I woke up really early today. I've been one of those people with too much time in their hands.Ones who were anxious for something,and that thing just couldn't come to me soon enough.If I were in a movie,I would have been pacing back and forth.

Have you ever felt so empty,so sad and lifeless that you didn't know what to do? I told myself I'll be fine.I thought if I spilled it all out in paper,everything would be better.But I was wrong.I wasn't inspired,so when I held the pen,nothing came out. I just stared at the paper,its blankness mirrored mine,and the next thing I knew,my tears were dropping quickly one by one,marking it just like the rain marks the ground.

When my father died, 8 years ago, I wasn't sure how I felt. I cried,of course,but I couldn't tell if I was crying because I was in pain,or simply because it was expected of me.I wasn't close to him.I didn't grow up knowing who he was,what he liked,how he felt about certain things. And so I came to the conclusion that just because people were born with different fates and taking different paths doesn't mean bonds aren't supposed to form between us.

We pray so hard for particular things.Please,don't let him die.But people die all the time,anyway.Does this mean God isn't listening? I prayed for some things,one with more intensity than the other. I've made bargains-give me this and I won't (insert bad deed here) again.We try hard to keep our faiths,but some things just happen,and that faith is shaken until we start questioning,why me? Why now?

I'm not writing this to provide those questions with even the farthest possible answers,because I'm not God,and I doubt that even God can or will answer them.I'm doing this to raise more questions,possibly,because now more than ever,I'm confused with life.

Why do some things seem to only happen to me? One day,I'd lose my laptop.When I've found a way to acquire a new one,I'm almost prepared to lose my phone or something as important,and more often than not,I'm right.Why? Because we can't always have it both ways.Life doesn't work that way.In order to gain something,we've got to let go of something else in return,and no,it's never a pleasant feeling.But we have to look at the brighter side if we want to keep our sanity intact. How will you be able to pick something up if your hands are full?Sometimes,you have to decide which you need more,regardless of how much you like the other one.But what if you just don't want to pick it up?What if you're already contented with having what you're being asked to lose?

Not everyone is given a second chance,not even a choice sometimes.Life's strange,you'd say,and I used to just laugh at your profoundness.Now,I miss it.I miss you. I'd like to scream at your face and say I told you so,when all I really want to do is to ask you to fight and not give in to this.

You have been given a second,a third, a fourth chance. Now you're being given a choice. Wake up. There are so many things you have to hear from me.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

A Story About Penguins.

It was Monday, when she met him.

Out of the corner of her eyes, she watched as he strode effortlessly from one group to another, followed by high fives, laughter, and the infatuated eyes of girls like her, waiting for him to melt them with that smile. He, a freshman whose stance was that of a Senior. Part of the varsity team, always working hard to have his way. He, who firmly believes that everything was combined luck and hard work. He, whom she have seen for the first time that day, and, within ten minutes or maybe even less, managed to catch her attention, and never let it go since then.

She sighed, having no experience on anything that has to do with love. At her young age, she has read numerous books and novels describing the indescribable feeling, and she'd fall for it every time. She would hug her book to her chest and wear that smile, showing off her braces, and a cloud of romantic fantasies would start growing over her head- a boy holding her hand, telling her all the things she needed to hear. It was always like that for her. Dreams. She, whose skin was a joke compared to all the girls she'd always seen in the glossy pages of her favorite teen magazine. She, who never had a bad hair day, which meant no good ones either, for that matter. She, whose black rimmed glasses would fall off her nose each time she bowed her head too low, deeply engrossed in answering a Sudoku puzzle, or reading a romance novel, or doing her friends' Math homework for them. Simply put, he was the boy next door. She, as painful as it was for her to admit, was just a hopeless romantic, just another starry eyed girl, waiting for her turn to fall in love, and be loved in return.

What she didn't know, and what he didn't have the heart to tell her, was how adorable she looked everytime she'd sneak out of her classes and pretend to be going to the ladies room, just so she could catch a glimpse of him. How, in his peripheral vision, when she was too busy trying to hide herself in the crowd just so he wouldn't notice that she was looking, he'd stare as her for as long as he could, memorizing everything about her, admiring her from afar. How lovely he thought her skin was. How, in the middle of the night, when she was sitting by her window, wishing at the stars, he lied awake thinking about her. He wanted to tell her about himself, and get to know her in return, but he thought so mighty of her that he wouldn't even dare. For him, she was a dream, and only luck could bring them together.

And so one particular day, it was exam week, and everyone was out late for lunch. The cafeteria was full, and her friends were still not done with their exams. Every bench outside was occupied, too. She chose a spot on a patch of grass under a maple tree, sitting cross legged, eating her sandwich without any drink. She couldn't be bothered to get in line and get one for herself, so she decided she would just drink water from the tap when she was done.

He, on the other hand, didn't have to get in line to get his food. He didn't even have to pay. Everything was handed to him, either from his teammates in varsity, or the girls trying to catch his attention. On his hand were a carton of juice and a bag of cookies, and also a hotdog sandwich. Everyone offered him their seats, but that was when he spotted her, alone, leaning against the trunk of the tree. Nervous, he gathered all the courage he could muster to bring himself to her and make a small talk.

"Today must be my lucky day," he said, offering her his juice.

That was the beginning of everything.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Ohai June.

Wah, hi blog that I almost have forgotten and nearly thrown out the internet trash, how are you doing?

Wowza, I've just looked at my calendar and it says June 10. Let's see. Hmmm. I paid my internet bills today,and I'm kinda avoiding social networking (I'm obviously failing though) and getting lost in my music. I can't decide which of the new music albums I currently acquired are the best, but Christina Perri's Lovestrong and Maria Mena's Cause And Effect are pretty good.Adele, too, but who doesn't expect that? Adele's a goddess.

As of now,I'm just spending every single day at home, sleeping or reading a book. I'm gaining a lot of weight, it actually bothers me,but what can I do, noh? I'm so lame....This is like having an awkward conversation with an old friend.I have a lot to say,and I have nothing to say at the same time.

I'm not sad.I have no reason to be sad. My family provides me with all the things I need. All I really do here is sit and lay around and watch TV and listen to music and use the computer and eat and sleep. I'd watch romance movies and end up wondering why there's no one for me to runaway with when I turn 21. I miss seeing people's faces and hearing their voices. I miss getting on a random bus,most of all,just so I could be left alone with my music. It's really true that you only realize what you took for granted once it's gone. For me, it's those times when I can tell when I'm sad or when I'm bored. Right now, I can't see the difference between the two.

I've just been spending a lot of time thinking about life. Why we're all here,why there are rich people and poor people,what the government is for,when the government itself can't govern themselves.Pretty deep, noh? That's what solitude does to you.

Sometimes,I wish people wouldn't leave. I wish no one dies,even though I know that would cause a lot more trouble than it's worth. When does life really end?Is it when you're finally six feet under,with your name carved on a marble stone? When you're still breathing,but finally decided to stop living,doesn't life end there for you?So many questions,and it bothers me that only I can answer these for myself.