Thursday, October 15, 2015

Last night, my friend shared a post on Facebook from a confessions page, wherein someone wrote an open letter to his soon to be ex girlfriend. Intrigued, I read the whole thing, and found out that the guy is dying from cancer, so he was breaking up with his girlfriend to set her free, to make it hurt less once it's time for him to go completely. Because the theme and mood of it hit too close to home, I pressed the share button and let it stay on my timeline. I'm now quoting the whole thing after this line. 

An Open Letter to My Soon-to-be Ex-Girlfriend
Hi. I know it has been 3 weeks since I last talked to you, and I know, you still don't know what's going on. I know that you're an avid reader of this page, so I think this is the best place to explain. The title says it all, you're my soon-to-be ex-girlfriend, because I'm breaking up with you on the 12th of October... that's tomorrow.
I put our word of endearment as my screen name so you'll know it's me.
The page might post this late, but at least I've prepared my explanation already before I start to cut the loose ends tomorrow.
First of all, I want you to know that I will not tell this to you in person not because of the grudges that I have. In fact, I have no hard feelings. It's just that... I don't wanna have a long discussion tomorrow. I want to keep tomorrow's talk concise.
Second, I want you to know that our 65-month relationship is something that I would treasure forever. You're my high school crush, and I still can't believe the moment that you said "yes". It was euphoric. It was the best day of my life.
Third, I want you to know that I will still look out of you as long as I could. So, no. You're not going to turn into a twerkin-like-Miley bitch that will be used by assholes waiting for you to spread your legs. No, it won't happen. Remember Luke? Remember what happened to him when he tried to abuse you on FB chat? Yep, my family will do the same to the guys that will try to do the same as Luke. hahaha
Fourth, I want you to know that it's not because we're not getting enough sex anymore. We've had those sexy times, and I know we're both getting busy. And it's not because of that. I'm not a dry land that needs water every now and then. It's fine. It's not because of that. I swear. So don't try to seduce me on Monday.
Fifth, I want you to know why am I going to do this... I want you to know it's for your own well-being. I know we've had so many plans for the future. Like that El Nido wedding that you want. The dream house that you want by the bay... The BMW... I know, those dreams are rather silly, but still attainable... before.
Sixth, I want you to know that those dreams are not going to happen anymore.
Seventh, I want you to know that I'm about to cut the chase now.
Eighth, I want you to know that the doctors recently diagnosed a stage 4 lung cancer. Not on my dad, neither on my mom nor my grandpa, but on me. They said that it's too late to treat, and the cancer has spread all over my body already.
Ninth, I want you to know that I'm going to die soon.
Tenth, I want you to know that I'm doing this so you can get used to live without my presence. I know it's going to be hard for both of us, but I know it's harder for you. You gotta endure it longer. I hope that I can live a bit longer so I can see you fully-moved on before I die. So once you hear the news, it's just nothing anymore.
Eleventh, I want you to know that I will always love you. I'm going to miss you.
(FEU Manila – 2013, IABF)

I read the post again tonight cause something has been gnawing at my mind all day. I knew there was something wrong with this post, and it was only earlier this evening when I was on my way home that I realized: what an asshole.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not heartless. Like I said, the reason I shared the post in the first place was because it hit close to home. But I find it quite confusing that this guy would post something like this on social media for everyone, including his soon to be ex-girlfriend, to see, when he should be talking to her in private. I admit I'm not much into dating right now, but if anyone would ask me, I wouldn't want to find out something like this in the way he chose for her to. If you look in the comments section, you'll find that most people are sympathetic and sad, because he's dying. I get it that he's dying. But that doesn't excuse him (in my eyes, in my opinion) from doing something this cruel to the girl he says he loves.

 He said he is doing this because when they finally meet up to talk, he doesn't want to explain himself to her anymore. I guess that means he wants a clean break. I get that, too. But on social media, really? You could have sent an email. Heck, you could have pulled a classic Joe Jonas and sent her a text instead, and don't say you couldn't have because you didn't want her to know right away. You freaking posted it on Facebook and made it clear that you used your term of endearment so she'd know it was you. You claim to love this girl, and yet you cancelled that out in the most basic way.

She had a right to know what was going on. I admit I don't know anything about your relationship except for what has been posted, but anyone can tell you this: you could have pulled her to the side and talked to her. She should have been given the right to hear it from you, then to decide for herself if she wanted to stand by you or not.

But she was denied that chance.

I know he's dying, and everyone thinks it's sad. It is sad. And I know this post makes me sound callous for calling him out on it, but someone had to do it. It's so unfair that she has to find out through Facebook. Imagine going through your day, then seeing this on your timeline, and then realizing it was for you all along. How would that make you feel?

 Is it really so hard to have maybe half an hour with someone and discuss matters as important as this privately? If you really love that person, can't you at least give them that?

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

I've been reading a lot of books lately, and I realize now that most books of the young adult genre focus on suicide and depression, and most of them romanticize the idea, as if there's something beautiful to see in it.

I guess they have one purpose,  that is to get the message across that none of it is romantic or beautiful at all. It's serious, and when you're in it too deep, you actually end up getting buried, and very few are saved by the new boy at school, or the one you meet online that turns out to be a really amazing human being.

I know how hard it is to even want to pick yourself up after stumbling down so many times. It takes so much effort, and most times it doesn't seem worthy. I've been there, sad to say. I was so proud of myself for being so hauntingly beautifully sad without feeling the need to "catch the bus" as they apparently call it, but one day, I woke up to find that the part of me who had no reason to live has won. I've entertained the idea one too many times. There was as afternoon I was heading home that I almost got hit by a bus, and all I could think of was how exhilarating it was.

I'm so far from being the person I was three years ago. I'm so far from healing, from feeling okay again. It will take time. I'm not considering taking that path anymore, and maybe right now I'm in an easier place, but I still have a long way to go. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, and even if I do, I can't begin to imagine how hard it would be to open myself up, make myself vulnerable, lay my secrets bare before anyone. I don't even trust people these days. Anyone nice has an ulterior motive, and anyone who isn't just isn't worth my time. 

There are no words for how hard it is to fight this battle, to tell yourself to open your eyes each morning, to convince yourself not to listen to that dark voice in your head, telling you the easy way out. If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, self harm, or suicidal thoughts, please, seek help and offer help. Know that there's someone who loves you, needs you, whose life is infinitesimally better just because you are in it. It's gonna take some time and a lot of strength, but as humans, the truth is, who do we have if not each other?

Saturday, October 10, 2015

I'm gonna lay it bare tonight. I'll tell you of all the sadness, of all the effort it takes to get through every day.

I've been listening to Hello, I'm In Delaware by City and Colour a lot lately. I don't know how a person could feel so much yet be so hollow at the same time. I want to claw at my skin. I want to take myself apart, piece by piece, to find what I've been missing all this time, to see which part needs fixing.

There's someone I love, and I wish I could say it's all easy, it's all okay. But life is more complicated than that. There's someone I love, and yes, he loves me, but not enough, and not in the way I'm ready to offer myself to him, heart included. In this exact moment, he's fading. Not only from my life, but from the world.

Lately, I feel like a bystander in my own life. I've never liked any attention being focused on me, but now that I feel invisible, I'm craving for someone to look me in the eye even as I laugh, shake their head and say no, you're not okay. I don't buy your bullshit, and you're not okay. Maybe one of these days, I'll be brave enough to admit it, and that I haven't been okay for a while. Maybe I'll ask them out for coffee, and together, we can figure out why.

I used to feel so much bigger than this. I've always been able to tell myself that everything will fall in its rightful place in time, but right now, I'm finding it so hard to believe that. All I know is sadness, and I'm not even sad about it. I wish I was sad about it.

I don't know what I want, but I know I don't want this. I don't want to do that again. To wake up in the mornings knowing a part of me has been severed, like a limb torn, its absence echoed by the searing pain of what is left behind. I don't want to know what it's like to lose a friend all over again. I don't want my heart to die. I don't want whatever beginning is wrapped up in this looming ending, and frankly, I'd rather live everyday knowing I wasn't chosen than be here realizing there wasn't really much of a choice in the first place.

Please, help me help you.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

We met on a sleepy Tuesday, in the afternoon, when dreams were tempting, but reality pulled our heads back from the clouds. In an old book shop, our fingers brushed, then recoiled from the naked spine of a hard-covered classic I'd probably never have the strength, will, or time to read. There was the old book smell lingering in the air. Bells and chimes hung by the door, giggling musically as they were tickled by the summer breeze.

The shelves were old and worn. There was dust in the air. Sun beams washed the small, breathing space in a golden glow, and the books themselves twinkled. This was how we met, and you became a permanent part of my everyday life.

You were there on all the bus rides I took to random places to fill the emptiness in my eyes. You knew what got to me: it was Death Cab for Cutie, it was Snow Patrol, it was Bon Iver. You were there to listen to the saddest songs; the inspiration to my darkest fantasies.

I remember you sitting by my side as I cried my heart out that day at my uncle's house, when it was lunch time and I had to put my plate down and run when my grandfather said I shouldn't eat too much, because I was fat. Even now, you know how much this still hurts. You know how I've never really been able to look at the mirror and like what I see since then.

It was you, not anyone or anything else, that knew of the strength I had to pull from nothing when my teachers pulled me aside and accused me of being pregnant, also because I was fat. Because unlike them or other women, I saw nothing wrong with not being skin and bones. You saw how my hands trembled; you heard my voice waver as I said no, I wasn't pregnant, and no, I wasn't offended. You knew what I was even without me saying it: I was hurt that even after explaining myself, I knew they didn't believe me. 

In mornings when it was hardest to drag myself out of bed, you held me down and said it was okay. It was okay to be stagnant sometimes. There was no rush. There was nothing more important than the galaxy that was dying inside me. You said, nurture it, nurture me, and I did.

You've grown to be such a big part of my life. I don't know how to live without you, and I'm not sure I'd ever want to. Even on that very first day, I knew, when you opened your arms and gave me a home, there was no escaping you.

And so when you said, Hello, my name is Sadness, I embraced you and answered, I've been waiting for you.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

I crave for you constantly. When I said it was over, I believed it was, fully, wholeheartedly. I never planned on turning back.

But here I am anyway. Making the moon my temporary sun, maybe kinda hoping you'll change that.

Even though you're unavailable.

Even though I know she's there, and I'm pathetic, and at some point, wasn't this exactly what I wanted?

I knew, didn't I, so why is it that I'm not ready now?