This week, I've been asked so many times if I was okay, and I said I was, every single time.
I've been lying to you for quite some time now. I'm not fine, I'm hurting. I'm hurting, but I feel no pain.
I wish I knew what I'm talking about. I've been missing my classes lately, by the way, a fact I'm not proud of, but it's happening. I can't sleep until it's light outside. I can't eat. I've stumbled down and I can't find the strength, nor frankly, the will, to get up.
I keep telling myself I'll get over this; you're still here. But that's exactly what I'm afraid of. It's already so dark now that you're still here, what would it be like when you go?
One more thing....Sometimes, it's so hard to be happy for you, but I do it anyway, because I love you. I've always loved you, and I know that you've always known. When you told me about your feelings for me, I must admit, I had my doubts. It had always been her for you, and four months later, you'd proven me right. I wish you hadn't, but as someone who got used to standing on the side, I watched you both bloom and grow for each other, with each other. That alone is enough for me to leave my flag on the ground and watch you, for the nth time, leap off into the sunset.
Unfortunately for me, that's not where it ends. I got myself into this really deep, dark pit that I can't get out of, no matter how hard I try. Waking up is a constant struggle. Falling asleep is a nightly battle. I've never felt more wounded and alone, more in need of help than I do now.
But you're okay, you're happy. You don't even know how much you've destroyed me. It's not enough that you broke me, you also have to take the pieces away so that I'll never be whole again. I want so much to tell you that it's not your fault, but how could that be, when I was perfectly fine an you, once again, hit me? What were you thinking? Why would you do that to me?
I don't expect to know the answers to these. I just want so much to push you into gaining back that strength, so you could live a full life. If you do that, I won't ask for anything more. You can go ahead and buy a plane ticket, get a diamond ring for her finger. At least then I'll know that you've won. At least then, I'll know that you tossed me aside for a valid reason.