Thursday, September 10, 2015

This week, I've been asked so many times if I was okay, and I said I was, every single time.

I lied.

I've been lying to you for quite some time now. I'm not fine, I'm hurting. I'm hurting, but I feel no pain.

I wish I knew what I'm talking about. I've been missing my classes lately, by the way, a fact I'm not proud of, but it's happening. I can't sleep until it's light outside. I can't eat. I've stumbled down and I can't find the strength, nor frankly, the will, to get up.

I keep telling myself I'll get over this; you're still here. But that's exactly what I'm afraid of. It's already so dark now that you're still here, what would it be like when you go?

One more thing....Sometimes, it's so hard to be happy for you, but I do it anyway, because I love you. I've always loved you, and I know that you've always known. When you told me about your feelings for me, I must admit, I had my doubts. It had always been her for you, and four months later, you'd proven me right. I wish you hadn't, but as someone who got used to standing on the side, I watched you both bloom and grow for each other, with each other. That alone is enough for me to leave my flag on the ground and watch you, for the nth time, leap off into the sunset.

Unfortunately for me, that's not where it ends. I got myself into this really deep, dark pit that I can't get out of, no matter how hard I try. Waking up is a constant struggle. Falling asleep is a nightly battle. I've never felt more wounded and alone, more in need of help than I do now.

But you're okay, you're happy. You don't even know how much you've destroyed me. It's not enough that you broke me, you also have to take the pieces away so that I'll never be whole again. I want so much to tell you that it's not your fault, but how could that be, when I was perfectly fine an you, once again, hit me? What were you thinking? Why would you do that to me?

I don't expect to know the answers to these. I just want so much to push you into gaining back that strength, so you could live a full life. If you do that, I won't ask for anything more. You can go ahead and buy a plane ticket, get a diamond ring for her finger. At least then I'll know that you've won. At least then, I'll know that you tossed me aside for a valid reason.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

I'm trying to find ways to kill this sadness before it gets strong enough to kill me.

Yesterday was not so bad. I went to the gym with my sister to blow off some steam. I want my heart to be strong. The other week, I was out drinking with my friends and my heart started palpitating just when it was starting to be fun. So drinking is out of the question. I figured, if I can't wash away my sadness with alcohol, then maybe I can sweat it out.

So I went to the gym with my sister. I was able to do 15 minutes on the exercise bike and some lifting (no wights yet, just the bar) before I felt the ground crumbling beneath my feet, the world spinning, me losing hold of where I was, who I was. I was soaked in my own sweat, and I've never felt better, but at the back of my mind, I knew I found another way to die if I ever felt like it.

Which leads me here. I can go to the gym, but I can't exert too much effort. My heart just can't take it, literally. I'll still go, though. I enjoyed it too much to quit.

Today was one of the good days, if good days mean staying in bed till noon and biking in the rain. I made one wrong turn and fell off the side of the road which gave me a gash on the left shin, but it was nothing serious. I feel so, so alone, even though I know I'm not.

It's sad to be surrounded by people you call friends, knowing none of them cares enough to really look at you, for one second, so they see that you're drowning. Maybe I look like I have my shit together, but I honestly don't. Each day that passes, it's harder for me to get out of bed and just live. It's so hard to make the conscious decision to be alive for one more day, but I'm too scared to take that one leap that will end all of this.

Maybe there's a reason for everything that's happening right now, or maybe not. It all depends on what you believe in, right? I don't even have that. I don't even have the strength to believe in anything anymore. I want to bleed, I want to feel something, anything, just to make sure that I'm still here, I'm still alive. 

For now, I know I am. For a reason, too, I know.