Saturday, February 27, 2010

What I do When I'm Bored.

And these are for Victoria (Alice oxox who is always high because of Coke) and Louise (Love4JazzyAlways) who's so kind! :) Sorry guys, I want to make one for each of you but I don't have any pictures of you... The one in the middle is my baby girl (no, not my daughter!). Her name's Nina Mariel. :D

AKA Cupcakes

AKA Cupcakes

Ashley Greene, Caitie (KT) Uhlmann, Andrea Kelley

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


Okay. I haven't been blogging for a while, I know. But now I'm back to rant and vent.

Seriously. He's not blaming me. Yeah, I believe that, sure.

Remember that day I went out with that someone? When you broke up with me and I cried on the way home, in the passenger jeepney?

I pleaded for you not to leave me. You agreed. Remember? I regretted what I did, my stupid decision, and devoted all my time for you. Hell, if we are counting each other's shortcomings, go, let's do it!

I clearly remember telling you that if you cannot trust me anymore, we better end it. Right? Right.

Basically, we had no more problems with trust or whatever since then. I dealt with your insecurities quite gracefully.Sometimes, I snap out,being impatient and all, but we always worked it out. Okay. So it's clear that those days were over,and the problem did not start there.

I don't even remember why it all ended. I completely forgot, to be honest, because I don't care anymore. All I know is that when I told you it was over, you took it lightly like you couldn't care less. Here's the catch: that hurt. I was actually wishing you'd say no, but what? You. Took.It.Lightly.And that hurt.

So,hard as it was to cope with it at first,I struggled.I picked myself up from the ground,and started acting like you're nothing to me.That's what I told myself over and over. That you don't mean anything to me.I did that everyday until one day,I woke up and realized that my little phrase came true at last. I thought I'd never get over you, but I did, much to your dismay, I guess.

And then when I was back to my feet, all smiles again, and my heart was whole again, and I was ready to paint the town red, you came showing up, like some guy described by a song.You want me back,after what?A month after a broke up with you?It took that long for the situation to sink into your mind?Nah, I don't believe that. What I do believe, though, is the fact that you thought I could never forget you, and that sooner or later I'll come crawling back to you, like I always did,right?Not anymore.

So sorry to tell you how much your insecurities bugged me. I couldn't deal with them anymore. I would never choose a guy over my friends,might I add. And that's what you wanted me to do. And now you run around telling the world how bad a girlfriend
I was?Heck, try having another one and you'll see how spoiled you were with me. I'm not asking you to move on,not anymore. I'm not asking for your friendship,either. I don't care anymore what you do with your life. Love me until you die, if that's what you want, just stop talking about me and I'll stop talking about you. I just hate it that you make it seem like it was all my fault. Maybe it was, but you also made mistakes. Admit that.

That's just about it. Live your life the way you want to,and I'll live mine. I hope you'll stop wasting precious time typing some status about me, because yeah,it hurts. Now even my friends think I was really the one at fault. You are ruining my life. I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. Just get over it.Please.

One more offensive post and you are out of my friends list.And no, that's not a threat.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Major Renovation:Much Needed

I've been undeniably depressed these past few days, for reasons even I couldn't tell.

I think I just need a break. Someone asked, "What is your favorite pick up?"

And that's just what I need. A pick up day. What picks me up?

Cupcakes. Good Music. Hanging Out With Friends.And redecorating my room. I just wish it's that easy.

Tomorrow, I'll try redecorating my room. I really need a window. I feel so locked up here. But having a window in my room is next to impossible. God, I need sunshine. I need light. Please.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Jasper Prayer

Our Jasper, 
Who art in Forks, 
Hallowed be thy sparkles.
Thy comes, thy will be fast,
On Earth as it is in the baseball field.
Give you this day, our daily blood;
Forgive us our heartbeats
As we worship Maria for giving you life.
Lead us into temptation,
Deliver us to you.
For thine is the vampire,
The emotions and the hotness,
For ever and ever.


Love Letter for No One

“The worst thing about getting your heart broken is going to sleep and knowing you’re going to wake up and nothing has changed.”

Like, seriously, this must be the reason why I have sleepless nights. It's because I don't want to go to sleep and forget the pain, float off to dreamland where everything is perfect, where everything happens the way I want them to, and then wake up in the morning and feel a brand new type of pain surge again. It's like getting my hopes up and watching them fall all over again.

I know, I have not any right to say I have lost you, for doubtlessly, you never have been mine. But your words, your actions...what did they mean? You almost gave the world to me, I just didn't ask for it. What happened to us? We were almost there.

I think I noticed where we started falling apart. The goodbyes were easier, the phone calls shorter, the arguments tougher, everything went bad, until one day, we woke up and realized that the beautiful dream was over. As much as we wanted to resume it, we just can't, for reasons we couldn't find. Maybe that's why people started saying 'just because'. We fell apart just because. No one really wanted it to end, but no one was brave enough to restart.

The hardest part of this whole situation is that neither of us knows what’s going on. Neither of us knows what each other’s thinking and we’re both trying to make decisions based on information we don’t know. I’m scared to tell you my feelings just in case you don’t feel the same way.

And now, I just learned a lesson the hard way: undone things are much more regrettable than bad decisions. Here I am, sitting far from the stars, wondering what might have been, if only I tried.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

The Problem with Guys

At the age of nineteen, I could say I've been through a lot. Not really a lot, but enough to say it's a lot.

What I hate most, though, is the fact that I've given everything till I get tired, and then, in the end, I will still be the one at fault. Why me? Why don't you ask yourself what you might have done that made me be like this?

I've had a few relationships with different kinds of guys before. Most were platonic, of course. I've always preferred guys over girls for friends.Some were romantic, and some of these were abusive in a way.

The problem with guys is that they don't believe it when I say I'm just friends with a specific guy. they always speculate, and I was like, can't I be friends with him without malice? Because that's just the way it is. We're just friends and nothing more, and some people just can't accept the fact that MY world, yes, stress on the possessive pronoun,please-just doesn't revolve around them. This is my first rule when it comes to relationships. Respect my friendship with other people, be they guys or girls, and never make me choose, because sorry, I just wouldn't choose you.

The problem with guys is that they do not say what they really feel. Yes, I'm the queen of second thoughts,because you're the king of mixed signals. One moment, you make me feel important, and the next, you're completely ignoring me. What's up with that?Some guys nowadays expect us girls to always take care of what's needed to be done. Hello? Whatever happened to good old gentle manliness?

The problem with guys is that they act like they're God's gifts to women. Which certainly is not true.Men, without women, are just plain drunken alcohol loving masochists who think they're so great but will absolutely fail in everything. Trust me on that.You need us to, not just to wash your clothes or prepare your meals, we're not your personal assistants. You need us to make you feel complete, because yes, however successful you become, no matter how far you've gone to, at the end of the day, you'll always look forward to going home and finding the real reason for your success, which is what a woman is, so yeah, suck that. You are not God's gift to us. It's absolutely the other way around.

The problem with guys is that they blame us girls for doing something wrong, and then blame us again if we try correcting what we did wrong and end up breaking up with them. Ha! This much I'm sure of. Somebody kept telling the world how it hurts him that I don't care anymore, and I was like, "What the hell?" It was his fault, not mine. Hidden in his words was the tone of blame,pointed towards me. What a jerk. What do you expect me to do, huh? Sulk in a corner, wallow in misery for losing you? Sorry, but I'm just so happy to get rid of you. Because of the tears you made me cry, and the fact that you thought so lowly of me.Of course,what kind of girl would be happy to know that her guy thinks she's out there somewhere, constantly flirting with someone she barely knew? Is there such a girl? Well, yeah, maybe. But that's just not me. So stay there and get over me. I hate you just about as much as you love me.

The problem with guys is that they show us that they love us, when they get what they want, they'd leave us, when they see we're not affected, they'd come crawling back to us, and repeat the whole process until we end up crying for them. Yeah. Duh. There are so many jerks in the world nowadays. Hard to look for a needle in a haystack,it's true. But when you find it, it's totally worth the search. As for me, I'm happy with my life now. I just hope these people from the past would stop bugging me and just go on with their lives.They had their chances with me,and they ruined it. Haha. Ain't I just soooo great? Duh.

Friday, February 12, 2010


It’s amazing how easily you fall in love with someone who simply smile, talks, or stares at you. The only hard thing to do is to make that person fall for you.

I never knew until that moment how it could hurt to lose someone you never really had.

Sometimes, it's really hard to figure things out when words are hardly spoken. I was never one to read between the lines.

Whenever I feel like you're mine to hold, to cherish, suddenly, you turn away, leaving me confused, baffled, and speechless. Pain is inevitable, they say. Suffering is optional. Does this mean I chose to suffer?

I told you; When you need someone to fill that empty space in your heart, I'm more than willing. And the moment you need to have that space back for someone else, gladly, I'll step out, if that would make you happy.

I guess love was born together with pain. When you love, there's no way out but through pain-whether you fell out or not. Or maybe, love is just a beautiful dream....And then we wake up to reality.

What love is, I guess I wouldn't know. No words could ever describe it, like no words could describe how music sounds like to a deaf person. Hard. That's what it is, partly. Love is hard.

A lonely me...

A lonely you...

That is the opposite of two.

And together, we just can't stay. Have we no choice but be lonely opposites?

My answer is pretty obvious: No.

What's yours?

They say relationships are like glass. Sometimes, it’s better to leave them broken than risk hurting yourself trying to put it back together. But if that is all I could do, if that is all I could ever give back to you, to have this feeling that yes, I did fail, but at least I gave it a try,I'll do it. I'll risk hurting myself, trying to put it all back together. What more should I be scared of, anyway? Dealing with this broken heart each day,dying must have been easier. And yet I live, by minutes, by hours, feeling this gaping hole eat up my chest.So what's the point in playing safe, pretending to be alright?Nothing could be worse.

It hurts. It's really painful, going on each day, seeing you happy with someone else, when I know it could have been me.

Ask me why I still love you, when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me.

The problem, I guess, is that, as much as I can't force you to love me, I cannot force myself to stop loving you as well.

Count your life by the smiles, not by the tears that roll. Although sometimes, tears say all there is to say, I'm just thankful that for a short moment, I felt your love looking on my way.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

What Hurts the Most

It's not a competition when you already know who's winning even before it started.

He was holding the gun, and he pulled the trigger.

Her dislike for jealous guys was not a secret, pretty much everybody knows about it.

They were like a couple,only there's no spoken commitment.It all showed in their actions.Today, she was puzzled.He has never been jealous before,or had he ever been,he never let it show.

She sighed,knowing he's referring to her.He thought her friend was her suitor.It annoyed her,him thinking so low of her.It scared him,he didn't want to lose her.

Sensing the tension,and knowing they really have to talk,their friends left the room.He started pacing back and forth,thinking of the right words to say.the words that wouldn't hurt her,but would subtly mean goodbye.

She kept following his movements with side glances,scared that he'd burst out mad.Silence was more painful to her than hearing him scream.It means he's thinking of the things she found unthinkable.

Finally,to her relief (or grief-she didn't know what to feel), he cleared his throat.

It's not a competition when there is only one candidate.

She felt emotions flood her chest as she uttered those words. She never really admitted her real feelings to him.She never said she loves him,and now seems to be the best time. Should she?

I should.She told herself.

Bravely,she started speaking again.

I--... She looked in his eyes,and all she saw were walls being built.And there she was,building bridges.

What were you going to say?He asked.He was sure she's about to tell him how she felt,but for reasons he didn't know,she stopped.

I'm thirsty.She lied,looking at the floor.

I'll get you a drink.He went to the fridge,contemplating on the way if he should just tell her and get over it.

Coward.She scowled at herself as he made his way to the fridge.Why can't you tell him?It's very simple.

He handed her the glass of water,and decided that he'd just tell her how he really feels.

He looked at her frail figure,hugging herself in a sitting position.All his life,he never felt anything like what he felt for her,especially today.He loves her,and today seems to be the best day to tell her.Should he?

I would.He promised himself,sitting at the foot of the bed.

He reached out to stroke her cheek,wondering where to begin.

I--.She looked up at him as he spoke.Her eyes were full of pain and doubt.

What if she freaked out?His mind questioned him.And like the jerk that he was,he bid his heart to follow.

I don't think this-we-would work out anymore.You and I-we have different priorities.

He stood up,his back to her,trying to hide the tears.He was crying,for the first time.


That was the first thing she felt,crippling her chest as it replaced every other emotion in her system.His words were like pieces of a shattered glass,sharp,pointed edges,cutting through her heart.

Tears started spilling down her cheeks,both sides racing to reach the surface of her lips where the air would blow them dry.She didn't make a sound,silence was her only reverie.

I'm sorry.I'm sorry for hurting you.You might not want to see me again after this,but I-I am not in love with you.

He slammed the door shut,that was the most prominent memory she had of that day.The pain she felt was just as loud as the banging of the door.It rendered her speechless,but not unconscious to what he was doing.

He ran down the stairs,his head throbbing as he took two steps at a time.He was headed for his home which was conveniently across the street, but rain was pouring outside.

She followed him closely,ignoring the heavy feeling on her chest.His head was still bandaged,and he was not fully recovered from the accident.

He stepped out into the rain, shielded by an umbrella. They walked silently together as she kept her umbrella over his head,never minding her dripping shirt or the coldness she felt when the wind kissed her rain soaked body.

He arrived at his door,not a drop of rain on his shirt. He turned around to see her,the first things she noticed were the paths of dried tears evident on her face.

She looked up at him, smiled painfully, and turned around to leave.

Why did you shield me from the rain?He asked.

What does it matter to you?She managed to choke out in her hoarse voice.

They stared at each other for a minute.Him feeling guilty for bringing tears to her eyes,her feeling sorry for making him so upset.

Slowly,she walked away,feeling regretful that she didn't say the words.

"Because I love you..." She whispered the answer to his question.She was far enough that he wouldn't hear.

He gently closed the door behind him,and watched her leave through his living room window.

"Because I love you..."He said,sighing,as he answered to himself her question earlier.

From a distance, he saw her open up her umbrella, walking slowly away from him, from his life.

I promise not to be the reason for your tears anymore.Painstakingly, he pulled the curtains together,blocking away the view that would always haunt his dreams.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

I`m going to smile and make you think I`m happy, I`m going to laugh, so you don`t see me cry, I`m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me- I`m going to smile.

Because sometimes,I see you looking at me when I am sad,and guilt registers in your eyes.

That was not the emotion I needed for you to feel.Instead of guilt and pity,I want you to feel hurt when I am sad.I want to see in your eyes that you regret ever being the reason for my tears...that's what I want, and nothing else. Just keep it to yourself if it's something else.

Friday, February 5, 2010


This is a love story.. starring a girl who wastes most of her time online, or in a cradle,with headphones,a notebook,and a pen.And a boy who wasted his money buying her flowers,sweets,and a yellow guitar for himself that held a striking resemblance with hers.

The meaning of Colors are not my idea.

But the happenings here are pretty much based on experience. They happened in real life. My life, unfortunately.

You once told me that there's no such thing as complications. You always saw things in black and white, and shades of gray. For you, there were only truth and lies, love and hate,right and wrong. Those were your blacks and whites. Everything in between are in shades of gray, and there were no complications.

"You're wearing black today."I stated once.

You nodded and half smiled at me. "You know me too well."

"Something's bothering you." Clearly, that was not a question.

We were sitting on your rooftop, feet dangling on the air. I remember frowning as you looked down. It was hard to see through your sad eyes.

"I love you."Those were your exact words. And in spite of my fear of love that time, I found myself smiling.


Green is the color of quiet epiphanies; those little moments when you realize that everything is so much more than just alright.

"Your eyes say you're tired."I looked up to see you standing in front of me, holding out a flower.

I took it without a word,ignoring your statement a while earlier.I patted the seat next to mine,and like the obedient guy that you were,you sat beside me.

You looked over my shoulder as I tried to hide my drawing from your gaze.

"Those were my eyes,right?Why are they green?"You asked,as I blushed crazily and nodded.

"I can't do them justice."I whispered,looking down.

You tilted my head up,your fingers on my chin,and looked straight into my eyes.

"Yours are prettier."I felt butterflies in my stomach,hearing those words like you meant them.

I wondered what it was; the intensity in your eyes that I knew was mirrored in mine. Because that feeling, whatever that was? Something that strong couldn’t have been just an illusion.

Yellow is the color of new beginnings, where crossroads meet and stories continue and having a certain someone to share your journeys with makes all the difference.

When I went to school that day, a yellow paper was taped into my desk.I unfolded it to find a song perfectly written in your neat penmanship.

I felt delicate tears sting my eyes as I read every line,but I stopped them.

You walked to me,our friends trailed behind you,as you started strumming a yellow guitar-the one you own that matched mine,and sang to me what you wrote.

I laughed because you were out of tune,but ever since that day, it has always been my favorite song.

Purple is the color of things that only we can see.

It was one month since you told me those three words.

I didn't know if I should expect anything,or give you something,because I was not really sure if you remembered.

The moment we were dismissed from our group practice,you took my hand and dragged me almost too eagerly to the monkey bar. We sat there and talked endlessly about everything,and I felt really happy.

I was surprised when you reached into your pocket and brought out two small plastic bottles filled with soapy water,along with two long sticks,and started blowing bubbles.

"Today's the first month."You said.

And as we blew bubbles that looked transparently purple under the sun and watched them flying up to the sky , I decided that I couldn’t care less if we had been a couple. If we hadn’t been. If we had been childish by doing this, above all things we could’ve possibly done. Were we meant to be? Was I yours? Were you mine?

We were just two people whose hearts somehow beat the same rhythm.

And I couldn’t care less if anyone else didn’t get that, so long as we did.

Blue is the color of words unspoken that the hearts clearly hear.

We were walking to our next class then, never feeling the need to fill the silence with unnecessary babbling.

As we got to the door, we saw that the classroom was unusually full,and we were unusually late. There was a vacant chair waiting at the corner,but nothing more.

"Miss Pangilinan," our professor called."You could take that seat at the back.I'm afraid Mr. Torres would have to join the next block's class to catch up."

You shifted your weight uncomfortably,urging me to go to my seat.

"I'd just take the next class with him."I said.

Our classmates looked at us frantically and hollered words no one really understood.

We hung out for a while,you thanked me endlessly for staying with you.

It was nothing for me,knowing how uncomfortable you were with the other block.

As a thank you gift, you later bought me a box of Oreo cookies.They were my favorite,and you knew that.

It was wrapped in an inexpensive paper, tied with a blue ribbon.

I tied that ribbon to my hair that day,wanting to remind myself how sweet you could get.

It made me realize how the littlest of things really count the most.

Orange is the color of memories burned in your mind and etched in your soul.

We walked out of each other's lives on a Monday,when the sky was a brilliant shade of orange but the wind's much too cold to be considered normal.

You wiped away the tears that streaked down my face as we continued to argue.

We both went home upset,not knowing when to talk again.

That night,I received a phone call.

You were involved in an accident,and they said you were hurt.

I came by to visit you the next day,but you didn't speak to me.I waited outside your room for hours on end,until finally,when my eyes were swollen from crying,you decided to let me in.

You held my hand close to your heart,barely letting go as I walked away.You never said goodbye,and I didn't know how to feel.

Because the tears wouldn’t fall, but my heart wouldn’t stop hurting.

I came back the following days,keeping distance to help you get some rest.

I was walking away again,my back pressed lightly against your closed door,when you called my name.

"Think about it.."You said."The next time I hold your hand like this,I want to see your happy eyes,talking animatedly about a new movie you saw,about how pretty Ashley Greene is,or how you love her Jackson."We both laughed as you mentioned my favorite things,vaguely remembering how crazy I can be.

Life taught me that there was no such thing as perfect. 'Forever' didn’t exist, and 'always' was nothing but a chimera. And as opposed to believing in fairy tales, I learned to believe in things that were real.

You were real. And now, love was, too.

Red is the color of rediscovered truths and candid confessions from a faraway land.

I sat on my Uncle's front porch that night,a camera in hand.It was Christmas,I was looking at the stars,remembering how we both like Astronomy.

I tried getting my mind off you,unsuccessfully.My thoughts always drifted back to you,your name.

That night,instead of telling you about my Christmas,I texted you the words I've been meaning to say for as long as I could remember.

Merry Christmas,missing you.

Gold is the color of precious memories that only your heart can keep.

"Why are you wearing it?"Our friend asked.

We all knew what you gave me for Christmas.It was a prank,but it meant everything to me.

"It's really very pretty."I reasoned out,twisting the ring around my finger.

It was gold,the fake kind of gold.You bought it for five pesos in a Christmas Bazaar to make me laugh.Our friends did,but I was light hearted when you knelt down to put it on my ring finger.

"It's really,really pretty."I sighed and smiled.

I hate you.

I smiled as I heard those words.

I hate you.

To some people,it would have meant the way it should-hate.

I hate you.

Maybe I didn't let my friends copy my homework.

Seann,I hate you.

"Go away,I'm writing."

That's your voice.Wait,you called my name.

I hate you,Seann.

I know what to expect. You always said these words.

I hate you for making me fall hopelessly in love with you.

That's the most beautiful color. The color of hope, forgiveness, joy, sacrifice mixed all together, is the color of love.

Yeah, I wish I could say this story has a happy ending.. but no,not really. All the things posted above are based on real experience,though. The only difference is that in my crayon box, love was not the last color, so that's not where it ended,but I hate writing tragedies.

Yes,I wrote this for you,because of you.
You know how I feel.
You know what you did.

For All I Care--You Could Go to Hell.

Okay, so I've already mentioned that I was writing a story. I'm starting to really like it, especially knowing that people read the fickle of my imagination,it really feels good. (Talk about self esteem.)

I have written 10 chapters for two days, then I published them one by one while extracting ideas in my mind for the next chapter. I managed to write chapters 11 through 14 smoothly, but then again, I had writer's block.

That was really annoying.I wanted to write something, but nothing came to my mind. It's like I was really very willing to write, but my body wouldn't respond to my commands.

Last night, I started listening to some songs to set the mood. I was successful. I have even updated my blog because I was inspired.Oh, the things music can do. :)

I've written two chapters in different points of view before some people-yes,people,it means not just one,but two people-kept buzzing on my chat box.Yes it's my fault that I went online, but really!I told them I was busy and all.. But they keep sending these nonsense and I felt myself bursting with annoyance.

I was so upset that all the ideas I had were erased from my mind,from my memory-maybe they'll return again,but heck yeah, I don't know how to put them in words anymore.Last night was so perfect,I knew the phrases that should go together, the lines, the situation...FUN these guys that bothered me. I mean, who are they?!

I hate it that they don't understand that I,for once,have a life outside of what they claim to be their love for me.Yeah sure,you love me,you miss me,you're sorry..I've heard them all before.So what's new?Nothing,right? You're just going to make me see how much of jerks you are,proving that I was right to step out of your lives.I wish you'd just let me go,instead of clipping my (demon) wings.I want to fly, anywhere NOT near you. You don't have to start an awkward conversation because honestly?I don't care.I don't give an effing damn about a word you say.Hurts,right?Now try and multiply the pain you're feeling now to 10.Can you imagine that?That's how you made me feel.So it's only fair that you give me my alone time. I definitely deserve it.

Now,don't say you're sorry again.I've already figured that out,since I'm so smart.(Hell yeah,I am!The fact that I kicked you out of my life is proof enough.)If you think I need your mushy mushy loving words to get me through the days,you're wrong!I don't need you.Go to hell,for all I care.I wouldn't even notice your absence.Stop being sorry for me.Be sorry for yourselves.It's not my loss.

And if you really want to make it up to me, give me back my ideas that you ruined. I need them.

Then, go and disappear.

Sorry about that. I just wanted to vent out this hatred or else I'll explode,which,I guess, just happened,by the way. But yeah, they must understand, my world doesn't revolve around them or their pain.How hard is it to get that I don't really care?Sigh.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

When User Met Loser.

Have you ever,by any chance,loved someone who just can't feel the same?
Did you ever pushed yourself far into her/his life?
Did he/she just acknowledge you when he/she needs something?
Did you always say yes,and do what she asks,just so you could spend time/talk/text with her?

If you ever,by any means,answered yes to any of my questions above,do you know what your trait is called?


F*ck yeah, capital S-T-U-P-I-D-I-T-Y.

Do you happen to know what you must be called?

Yes, idiots, it's STUPID. Spell that again. I'm too lazy to type.

If the Twilight Saga introduced to us Team Edward and Team Jacob (and since I'm a little biased, Team Alice and Team Jasper), let me introduce you to some teams I know.


Yes, I believe these kinds of people still exist, although Team Loser,I guess, is going down in numbers, Team User never ceases to multiply. It's their habit to multiply.

Losers (that's what I like to call them) are stupid. Yes, admit it, instead of nagging me and telling me how much of a hypocrite I am for labeling my kind. They fall in love with the wrong people. People who tend to use that love against them. That's what I call the users. They take advantage of the loser's weakness and use them for their own good.

In every relationship, there will always be a user and a loser. People don't say "I love you more" for nothing. That phrase always holds some truth to it, we just don't take it seriously.There's no such thing as equality when it comes to love."Fair" is also omitted from love's vocabulary.There is nothing fair with love.Someone always loves more.Someone always gives more and someone always takes more than what could be given.Someone always does the sacrifice while the other's out enjoying himself.Someone's always trying to build bridges while the other one starts building walls.That's how unfair love can get, and even that isn't good enough to represent the truth.

Stupidity kills. Maybe not literally,but somehow,as you go on being stupid,pretending you don't see or hear or feel anything,something dies.It's your choice to make,pick what dies,the other one lives.In love,the choices are self respect and love itself.If you choose to preserve your self respect,you would have to stop loving that someone who only loves you for a reason,that reason is not love.If you choose to continue loving that someone,like a martyr that you are,you will eventually lose your self respect.Everytime he takes you for granted,you're betraying yourself. Everytime he hurts you and you still stay madly in love with him,acting like nothing happened,you're losing a vital part of yourself.In that case,when you know it's not right anymore but you still tolerate it,he's not the one to blame.Guess who?

Yes,b*tches.That ought to be you.

Being a user is already in his character,you might not have known that at first,and that time,it was all his fault.But eventually,as time progresses and you get to know him better,you'd see "USER" written all over his face,and that would have been your cue to turn around and run away...but yeah,what the hell did you do?You stayed. You stayed like a good little church girl,,scratch that.Not hoping.More like expecting,right?So yeah, you stayed like a good girl,expecting him to change.Question: Did he change?

If you're still reading this, I guess he didn't, right?

As I have said,being a user is in his nature.It's as natural as breathing is to him.You should have sneaked out when you had the exit door opened,but because you're a fool for love,you stayed.You didn't leave him,you end up being suffocated,your lungs are begging for you to breathe and get some fresh air,but he wouldn't let you.You make do with whatever form of gas is present,longing for oxygen,until one day,you find yourself consumed and useless.All because of love.

Does being a loser run in your blood?No,of course not.People tend to blame destiny or fate,and most likely,other people-for their sufferings.They go "I was hurt because of her,she stole him away from me, yaddayaddayadda."Truth is,if anyone's at fault,it's you.It's us.We have to blame ourselves.Why?The moment you saw him,who fell in love?It's you.Who made the move?Yes,it's you.If it's not you,then who said "yes,I love you too."?that should be you.See what I mean?It's not destiny.It's not fate that kept you hurting.It's your wrong decisions.

You don't have to be the loser,but can you stand being the user?Love is like a crime.It's either you're the victim,or you're the criminal.Sad,I know.I compared this to Twilight,but there's really no team Switzerland here.I wish I could say I'm a user..but it's easier said than done.Because at the end of the day,the one who started out to be the user might get fooled by love and end up being the loser.

This post is half heartedly dedicated in memoriam of Kuya F. Hahaha. Rest in Peace!You are one of the best losers that life introduced to my music loving,nerdy, emotional procrastinator shell.
--and yeah, half heartedly because you said you miss my posts.duh.

Also dedicated to "You know who you are". Thank you for making me the biggest loser on Earth.At least I'm not the jerk.And you gave me enough inspiration to write this one without the shell's help.double duh.

Ham--you're a user,so don't you even dare hope I dedicate this post to you.I don't want to disappoint you. Haha. Give me back my Oreo Strawberry Creme. I'll never forgive you for keeping us apart. XD

To those who miss me--sorry okay?I'm trying really hard to keep myself collected. Just give me time. I'll cope with this. Promise. I'll be back. :">

Love you muchooo guys.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Got It From Glee.

"Every man has his own destiny;
The only imperative is to follow it, accept it,
No matter where it leads him."
-Henry Miller

I can't fight this feeling any longer
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship, has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever
I said there is no reason for my fear
Cause I feel so secure when we're together
You give my life direction
You make everything so clear

And even as I wander
I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might

And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever

Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crushing through your door
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore

My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
I've been running round in circles in my mind
And it always seems that I'm following you, girl
Cause you take me to the places that alone I'd never find

And even as I wander I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might

And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever

Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crushing through your door
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.

Supergirl Runs in Circles

History repeats itself.

How could history do this to me? Aren't my past sufferings enough yet to satisfy History's cravings for my heartaches?Really.I'm tired.

They call me Supergirl. They don't call me that for no reason at all. I am the master of all tasks excluding Math and productive ones.I can go on walking for ages in high heels and never get tired. I can write thousands of chapters of fictions and never run out of ideas. Sure, I do need rest, but once you had me going,I'm on.

One thing I can't endure,though, aside from an hour of listening to my Math teacher babble on about numbers like they could even change my life,is getting hurt emotionally.I can take any physical blow with grace,but not an emotional one,especially when it makes me feel like something from the past is taking place all over again.You see,I like doing things,but not repeatedly.

That leads me back to hating History. I blame History for ever existing in my life. I hate dwelling in the past,but I can't help it.It's all History's fault.Had History never existed,I would have been happy,contented,even. History and love make a bad couple.

I've been hurt before,but nothing like this.I detest this feeling.It makes me want to isolate myself from the rest of the world.I feel rejected, unwanted, abandoned.I feel betrayed.

Was I just some random girl you met, talked to, fooled, then abandoned? Now that the past took over you life again, you're throwing what we have away?I just need to know the truth. Don't try to make it better with a lie. Lying always makes it worst.

Hello,I am Supergirl...and I am tired.

Between the Lines by Sarah Bareilles

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Possible Reasons Why Ham and I Might Fight

Meron akong friend. Nakakatawa, ang pangalan nya din eh Rose Ann. No, I'm not referring to myself. Rose Ann talaga pangalan nya. Ang tawa ko nga sa kanya eh Hamtaro. Kasi nung High School kami, kapag may lakad kami, mga 10 am na kami dapat magkita, that time tapos na yung Hamtaro, favorite namin yun eh. Saka medyo kamukha nya talaga si Hamtaro. Hehe.

Simula nung nagkakilala kami, never pa kaming nag-away. As in kahit minsan, hindi pa talaga. Una ko syang na-meet nung September 30, 2005. Third year high school ako nun at fourth year naman sya. Oo, sharp talaga yung memory ko. Intrams pa nga namin nun eh, tapos Fiesta sa Baloc. Kaso hindi namin yun na-experience kasi nagpunta kami sa Aliaga National High School para i-represent yung school namin para sa Press Con.

Nung huminto yung serice namin sa Pinagpanaan, sumakay sya. Tapos yun nga, introductions were made. Hindi ko sya masyadong kinakausap at tinitingnan kasi mukhang suplada. Eh suplada din kasi ako. Ayoko ng away. Haha.

Yung category ko nun, Feature Writing, English. Sya naman, Photo Journ, English din. Isa pang weird bukod sa magka-pangalan kami, pareho kaming umiyak that day. Noon balewala lang sakin yun kasi hindi naman kami close. No big deal. Umiyak ako kasi, yung topic namin sa Cat ko eh Koreanovelas. Sobrang dali lang nun, ginawa ko talaga yung best ko. Kaso nung announcement na ng winners, sobrang kabado talaga ako. Natawag na yung second at third place, kaya alam ko talo na ako. Hindi ko naman kasi inakala na first place pala ako. Kaya nung tinawag yung pangalan ko, ayun, napaiyak na ako. Nakakahiya nga eh. Pero mas nakakahiya si Ham. Bwahaha. Kalagitnaan ng contest yun. Nasira yung camera nya. Akala namin hindi na sya makakasali pero nakahabol pa naman. Pero umiyak sya ng matindi. haha. Ayun, first place din sya. :)

Simula nun lagi na kaming nagtraining sa Gear's Office para sa Division level nung contest. Hindi pa rin kami masyadong close, pero nabubuo na yung friendship, katulad kila kuya Leonard at sa iba pang staffers. Paborito namin pag-tripan noon si Rusti. Lagi lang kasi sya sa isang sulok. Parang laging OP eh.

May isang event lang na nag-trigger ng closeness naming lahat. Clue: Whiteboard. Tahimik kasi kaming lahat nun eh. Ang boring kaya nagsulat lang kami at drawing. Tapos kinuha ni Rusti yung marker. Magsusulat sya sa Whiteboard kaso inagaw ni Kuya Leonard tapos sya nung nagsulat. Nung buburahin na namin yung writings, ayaw mabura. Permanent marker pala yun. Ang masama pa, paparating na sila Ma'am Cristal at Ma'am Red.Patay na. Nagkagulo kaming lahat. Si kuya Leonard naupo na sa isang sulok at nagkwenta, kung magkano yung whiteboard at kung ilang kaming maghahati hati sa pagbili. Sila Rusti pumunta kila Sir Rivera para kumuha ng thinner. Si Ham na nagmamarunong eh ginamitan ng alcohol. BWahaha. Ayun natanggal sya ng thinner. Nakahinga kaming lahat, tapos tawanan na nung pumasok yung dalawang teacher. Simula nun, comfortable na kaming lahat.

Nung contest na sa Division level, dun kami naging close ni Ham.Pagkatapos nung mga contest, nagpalitan kami ng numbers. Simula nun, lagi kaming magkatext tas nagkikita sa school. Ayun, hanggang ngayon close talaga kami. Isa pang factor eh si Kuya Toooooooooooooooooooot. Secret yung pangalan nya. Kasi crush ko sya dati tapos close sila ni Ham. Actually, inagaw sya sakin ni Ham, pero hindi kami nag-away dahil dun. Pinatawad ko sya agad. Hehehe. Ayun nga. Never pa talaga kaming nag-aaway at kadaming nag-aabang kung kelan mangyayari yung big fight. Para kasi kaming magkapatid. Pano kaya kaming mag-aaway?Eto yung theories ko:

1. Mag-Aaway Kami Dahil sa Isang Lalaki.
Hmm. Hindi siguro? Kasi nga inagaw nya na si Tooooooot peo napatawad ko pa rin sya. Pag naman may mga boyfriend kami, walang pakealaman sa lovelife. Basta kapag may nasaktan, ice cream lang o Jollibee. Hindi namin sineseryoso yung mga problema sa lalaki kapag kami ang magkasama. Sa totoo lang, mas namomroblema sila kapag nagsama kaming dalawa. Kasi wala kaming ginagawang matino. Hehe

2.Mag-Aaway Kami Dahil Tinatawag Ko Syang Mary Ann.
Si Mary Ann yung dakila nyang ina. Hindi rin to mangyayari, kasi ang cool nga eh,Mary Ann. Yung iba nga tawag sa kanya Pokwang,sakin naman Powkey. Hehe. Ang cute noh?Wahaha. Basta hindi sya magagalit ng dahil dito. Edi binatukan ko sya kung magalit sya.

3.Mag-Aaway Kami Dahil Tinatawag Ko Syang Midget.
Uhm. Isang tanong lang: Kasalanan ko ba kung 4' lang sya?Hahaha. Joke lang. Peace Ham. Niloloko ko kasi sya lagi. pero tumatawa lang sya. Kasi nga abnormal sya, kahit anung gawin ko tumatawa lang sya palagi. Parang kinikiliti eh.Hahaha.

4.Mag-Aaway Kami Dahil Lagi Nyang Sinasabi Yung Pangalan na Russel
Para naman kasing ito lang yung alam nyang pangalan eh.Haha.May ex kasi sya ang pangalan Russel. Oo, ako din. Lecheng buhay to.Haha.Lagi nya yun binabanggit at hindi ko malaman ang tunay na dahilan. Hindi ko alam kung sinasabi nya yun dahil hindi pa sya maka-move on, o sadyang inaasar nya lang ako dahil natutuwa sya sa cute kong reaction-ang pagmumura. Hindi kami mag-aaway ng dahil dito.Mababaw eh, saka cute talaga yung pagmumura ko.Hahaha.

5.Mag-Aaway Kami Dahil sa Pagmumura Ko.
Nagmumura pala ako hane?Oo naman,pag kasama ko si Ham, lahat ng sentence ko may bad word. Example: Lets f*cking watch that godda*n movie. Ganyan yung pinaka-common.Saka pag nanghihingi ako sa kanya ng load at binigyan nya ko, hindi ako marunong mag-thank you. Laging "fun you". Astig ako eh. Hindi kami mag-aaway ng dahil lang dito kasi masaya kami pag minumura namin ang isa't-isa. Kailangan namin yun para mag-grow ang friendship namin.

6.Mag-Aaway Kami Dahil sa Pagyoyosi Nya.
Lagi ko nga syang pinapagalitan pag nagyoyosi sya.Sabi ko, ako na lang ang dudukot at dudurog sa baga nya,pero deadma ang bruha. Kaya hinayaan ko na lang. Balang araw magsisisi sya sa hindi nya pakikinig.Haha. Malabo naming pag-awayan to kasi nga wala naman kaming pakealaman eh.

7.Mag-Aaway Kami Dahil Sa Pag-iinsultohan
Napaka-common nito sa amin ni Ham eh.Yung iba nga naooffend kapag nag-insultuhan kami sa text. yung mga nakakabasa, nagtataka sila kung bakit okay lang samin. Bakit?Kasi eto yung nagpapatibay sa friendship namin eh. Anu naman yung masama sa mga text namin?
Me: Hi f*ck.
Ham: Bobz ikaw yan noh.
Me: Tanga hindi ako to.Ikaw pala bobo eh wahaha.
Ham: T*ngna mo may exam ako.

*1 hour later*
Me: Hindi ka pa tapos? Kabobo lang. BWahaha
Ham: T*ngna mo computation to.
Me: Anu naman?Kinuha mo kasi lahat ng kaartehan at kasupladahan ko, binibigay ko utak ko dmu tinanggap.Wahaha
Ham: Kaya nga di ko tinanggap kasi walang laman yan pagdating sa Math.

Oh, ganyan lang naman di ba?Wala naman masama dyan? Kaya hindi kami mag-aaway dahil dyan.haha

8.Mag-Aaway Kami Dahil sa Pinya at sa Pakwan.
Kasi sabi nya masarap daw yung pakwan. tinikman ko naman eh super tabang. Mas masarap kaya yung pinya. Kasarap talaga, tapos pinagtawanan nya ko nung sabi ko gusto ko ng pineapple juice para iinumin ko habang kumakain ako ng pinya. Anu naman masama dun diba? Mag aaway nga kami dahil dito.

JOKE!! Hindi kami mag-aaway dahil dito. Pero basta mas masarap pa rin yung pinya. BelaT!

9.Mag-Aaway Kami Dahil sa Potato Madness at Siomai.
Syempre hindi. Gusto ko lang tong idagdag. Kasi sabi ko siomai yung bilihin nya eh. Oo naman daw kasi masarap nga yung siomai. Natalikod lang ako eh dun na pumila sa Potato Madness. Sarap sabunutan.haha. Pero ayun nag-order na rin ako ng twister fries na Sour cream and Onion,tutal libre nya naman eh.Cheese yung inorder nya.Tapos sa dip naman, wala yung garlic chorva. Hindi daw available. Kaya nag-away kami. Joke lang.

10. Mag-Aaway Kami Dahil sa Isa Akong "Vampiray".
Eh nabulol nga ako eh. Haha.Kumakanta kasi ako ng Vanilla Twilight habang binabaybay namin yung kahabaan ng Burgos Avenue, tapos tinanong ko sya kung hindi ba sya natatakot na naglalakad kami eh madilim na. Hindi daw kasi may pulis daw dun. Tapos sabi ko naman hindi din ako natatakot kasi Vampiray ako. Ayun nabulol ako eh.Inulit-ulit naman na nya.Para tumaimik sya sinubukan ko syang takutin sa pamamagitan ng "Vampire Hiss" ko. Aba, pinagtawanan pa ako. Hindi daw ganun yung tamang sound. Para lang daw akong galit na pusa.Muhaha. T*ngna mo.Hehe.Definitely hindi kami nag-away. Kasi hanggang ngayon buhay pa sya. Kung nag-away kami, napatay ko sya. Hahaha.

*Vampiray- crossbreed ng Vampire at Stingray. Ok ba?Cool.

11.Mag-Aaway Kami Dahil sa Stone Towers.
Pag nagsu-swimming kami sa Dupinga, sumasama sya. Kapal nya noh?Wuhaha.Gumagawa kami ng towers gamit yung mga bato na pinag-patong-patong.Kampi sila ng kapatid ko pero talo sila sakin.Yup, binabato ko yung tower nila pag hindi sila nakatingin.Hehe.Muntik na akong lunurin ni Ham nun. Kasalanan ko na yun? yung tubig yung binabato ko eh. Hinagin lang yug bato papunta sa tower nila na bumagsak naman agad. Isa lang ibig sabihin nun-kulang pa sa foundation.Hehe.

12.Mag-Aaway Kami Dahil sa Pera
Alam ko para sa inyo ito yung pinaka-posibleng mangyari. Pero samin ni Ham, eto yung pinakanakakatawa. Hindi kasi isuue samin yang pera. Kahit kailan hindi naging issue kung sino yung mas malaking ginastos. Basta sa amin, wala yun. Kung may pera ako,ako yung nagbabayad sa meals at pamasahe. Pag sya naman eh malaki yung nakupit,sya yung nagbabayad kasi bina-blackmail ko sya.haha joke lang. Basta walang kwentahan sa amin. pag naman sakto lang yung pera, KKB kami.Kaya as much as you wish we will,sorry, pero never kaming mag-aaway ng dahil sa pera.Pera lang yan eh.5 years na kaming naging magkapatid,hindi namin yun ipagpapalit sa konting pera.

Wala na akong maisip. Ngayon alam nyo na na ginoyo ko lang kayo, kasi kahit ano, wala kaming pag-aawayan ni Ham. Hindi ko kasi sya pinapatulan, kasi nga mentally challenged sya.Haha! Kaya hindi kami mag-aaway. Pasensyosa ako eh.

Baka nga pala mag-away na kami. Ipapabasa ko kasi sa kanya to.
hi Ham.hehe. :)) Wag ka ng mapikon, pinapatawad na kita hindi pa man.Bwahaha.

7 Eleven yun Ham, hindi Iglesia ni Cristo.Haha :))

Sige na. Bye.

RoseAnn Pangilinan
Born: 8 February 1991
Died: 2 February 2010

Cause of death: Strangled to death by an angry little hamster.

Wag kang tumawa. Lousy joker pala ha.
Magagalit si Heart Evaristo. Bwahaha

Monday, February 1, 2010

The Pineapple-Watermelon Effect

Today, my friend Ham and I hung out.Again.And yeah..You might have guessed it right.We were crazy.

We ate (Jollibee,what else?), shot hoops, raced cars, played war games..and yeah, pretty much everything you can imagine us doing in an arcade, which includes stuff like piss off a random person, ask for tokens from a stranger?Not that one,of course. Then we watched a movie. We were rooting for 'Spy Next Door' but we saw her friends buying tickets for "Pano na Kaya' (yes,I just paid 80 bucks for a piece of crap that almost lulled me to sleep,and I was conscious when she bought those tickets,but I didn't,thank you very much.)

The movie was..a mess.This is just my opinion (sorry Kimeralds). I really dug deep in my chest to find the emotions but,yeah,nothing came out. i wanted to be touched, to feel the characters, but I didn't. Something's missing,I guess, or just plain bad acting in the actors' parts.Plotwise, the movie wasn't really that great, at least it wasn't something I expect from Star Cinema.It's just too predictable and boring, I can hardly stifle my yawns..But the script is nice I guess,I got some pretty dialogs and lines saved up.

Bogs (Gerald): tayo na lang kaya?
Mae (Kim): Eh gago ka pala,ikaw lang naman hinhintay ko eh.

Yeah, seriously, everyone laughed at that,cause in that scene Gerald was drunk,and his girlfriend (Melisa) just broke up with him.

Bogs: Patayin nyo na kasi kaagad.Wag nyo ng hintayin pang lumala at kumalat, para konti lang ang masaktan

He's talking about fire here, Kim is a fire volunteer and they were having demo.. He's talking about the fire but it also applies on love. When you don't love someone, do not pretend. Just end it quickly before anyone gets hurt. I guess that's what that means.

Mae: Gustuhin ko man iwan ka, hindi ko kaya. Tanga ako, pero ganun talaga. Lahat naman ng nagmamahal nagiging tanga.Oo, mahal kita. Manhid ka.

those were not her exact words but that will do,I guess. Yep, everyone who loves becomes stupid in a way or another. We learn to sacrifice our own happiness for those of the people we love. tsk. Stupid people.

Anna: Can't you see?Maybe that's why I'm here again. Baka gusto lang ipa-realize sa atin kung sino talaga yung gusto natin.

Bogs: You made me realize not what i have lost, but what I have right now.

Again,those were not the exact words,but the point is...that's correct. Everything happens for a reason.A person leaves because someone better is coming for us. We must all learn to let go sometime.

Bogs: Diba ikaw pa nga yung nagsasabi sa mga taong nasunugan, hindi dapat panghinayangan kung ano yung nawala na. Dapat magpasalamat na lang sila dahil buhay sila.

Mae: Na-realize ko, hindi pala ganun kadali yun. May mga bagay na pag nasunog na, hindi na maibabalik sa dati. Kahit gaano natin ka-gustong iligtas, minsan, wala tayong magagawa kundi manood na lang habang unti-unti itong tinutupok ng apoy.

Woah. This one's my favorite. really.. You can't change the way things are, but you can always change the way they will be. Once it was destroyed, no matter how hard we try to make it whole again, it will never be the same. It hurts to just watch your relationship fall apart--but when you know there's nothing you can do about it, don't go hurting yourself trying to fix it. Everything will fall in place in the end. ^_^

Yup. Boring movie, bad actors, but great lines. I learned a lot from that movie,but it didn't make it to my favorites. Haha. I just don't like Kim and gerald. Hey, don't judge me,kay? Just voicing my opinions.

^_^ Why I'm hyper:
Before going home, we ate watermelons and pineapples and marshmallows and gulped them all down with Royal.And we have Potato madness fries on the way. :)) And oh, yep. We got involved in a minor car accident at the very last minute,but we were able to come home whole. :))