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Thursday, April 22, 2010

I Miss You.


I'm not gonna lie,I miss this blog.

God,it's been too long! I might probably be dead for sneaking out to use a PC in an internet cafe...But honestly,would you blame me?Could you blame me?

My life has been a mess these past few days,I mean,my laptop's ruined and I am yet to recover..and I already miss surfing the net using a PC!!!I don't know how much longer I could live.

Tomorrow I'll be out.We're going to Manila and cavite.Last night was one of the best nights of my life.believe it or not I spent it gazing at the skies,tracing patterns on the stars...with music on the background.

I miss Louise and Vicky.I feel like we've really drifted apart.They keep telling me nothing has changed but I'm not numb.I could feel it.It's okay though.It's my fault in the firsrt place.

Despite of that,I'm happy.I've made new friends like Liahn and Mary who never fail to remind me my true worth.I love them.They make me feel loved and accepted and I could never thank them enough for that.

Day by day I'm starting to realize how beautiful life is.For the first time,I guess,in my teen years,I'm starting to live each day as if it's my last,making the most of them and always reminding people how I love them,simply because I truly do.

This keyboard,though, is killing me,and they probably might be looking for me in the hospital,so I really have to go.Please help me pray for my laptop to work (miraculously) again so that I could maintain this blog as often as I like!!

P.S. Happy Earth Day!!|

Ciao for now. >.<

Love,
S.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Yes,The Blame's On Me


"You're not even worth it but it's your fault.It's your fault that everything turned out this way.I hope we never got to know you in the first place."

You're right.I'm not worth it.That's what I've been trying to tell him for so long.But sure,you could blame me all you want.Even I wish I didn't exist so that your lives would remain perfect as it is.Even if you hate me with all your heart,I'm still here for you whenever you need me to listen.No matter how you push me away you're still my best friend.
MY HEART IS BREAKING.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Life Is Hard...But It's Worth A Try.


I'll Be There For You from seann pangilinan on Vimeo.


I was so lonely that I played the piano.Yes,I played the piano after six years.The last time I laid a hand on it was the day after Dad's burial rights...That was the lowest point of my life so I never touched it again.I last played Annie Laurie.

Today seemed to be even lonelier than that day.I felt so alone.I was so sad that I gravitated towards the piano without second thoughts and played and sang.Yes,I know my voice was horrible in this vid,but hey,I'm not a techie so I have no idea how to edit it,so bear with me.And I was crying.Not to boast but I'm actually good in singing...But recording it felt so uncomfortable so I ended up with this shit.It's okay though...You could hear me crying...And then you could laugh at me.isn't that magnifico?

With my sprained foot and cheap microphone I recorded it then edited to minimize the noise.It is to show how deeply I care for two people...And how sorry I am for causing them unnecessary drama and pain.They could live with less of that.

I just want you to know that I'm always here when you need me.It wouldn't be the same,but I wouldn't be too far away.

P.S. Thank you so much to Yasmina for knocking some sense into me.Please don't slap me.And thanks for believing in me and seeing the good in me. :)

Goodbye Is The Only Way For Destiny

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was.  I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory.  I was na├»ve.  I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer.  It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with:  that I am nobody but myself.  ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"



Acceptance...Love...Understanding...

Where have all of these gone?

My eyes are so puffy from crying last night,and today I'm planning to just lock myself up in this room,because I don't want to see the world.I'm not yet ready.

Being respected and understood is a big deal for me.Maybe it's because I've experienced and am still experiencing a phase in my life wherein I can't be myself.I have to mold myself to whatever people expect me to be just so I wouldn't disappoint them.And I hate that.I really really hate that,and I am so tired.

That's why when I'm in here,I always make it a point to be the real me,or the closest I could get to that.When I'm talking with my friends,I make it a point to be true and honest,because I expect to be heard for a while,even if I oftentimes sound ridiculous,even if I talk nonsense.I'm showing them the real side of me that only they are allowed to see because I expect them to understand.I expect them to laugh it off,then in the end,make me feel accepted and loved,not ridiculed in front of my own self.I deserve to be respected,if not as a friend,a sister,a neighbor,a student,a daughter...then at least respect me as a human being.

I was just expressing my opinion.Just like all of you,there are things that matter to me.There are things that i couldn't live without,and there are things that are not worth my short attention span at all.And you should respect that because I am trying my damndest every second to respect you and your choices no matter how trivial they appear to be to me.You don't even have to ask me to understand because I do.I do understand how people can be so passionate about one thing,because I feel the same about certain things too.I understand you.Now ask yourself if you understand me.I need a friend who understands give and take...I can't be the only one giving...Nothing's left of me...

That might have sounded unfair,but it isn't.Look at it this way: I make my own choices here,okay?This is my f*cked up life and it's up to me to live it the way I want to.I don't force you into taking interest in the things I love.Should you do that to me?

I hate being put inside a box...I'm so tired,so tired of all these.It's so painful.Until now I feel like my heart is being shattered to pieces and just thinking about it makes me cry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry for ever existing in your perfect lives.I don't want to ruin in anymore with my stupidity,so goodbye.

I'm sorry for leaving this way.You know I don't want to.Just thinking of it makes me cry.But I have to.I have to go on and be myself and I just found out that you can't accept who I really am.How am I supposed to feel,finding that out?I've laid all my cards on the table,and I've lost.Maybe I've been too dependent on you...I expected you to say it's okay,it's okay even if it's not.Because for so long you've been doing that...You've been my fortress of comfort when the rest of the world turned their backs on me.

Now I want to run to you to make it all okay again but I can't.I used to say I'm alone but not lonely.Now,I am alone,and lonely.And it sucks because I can't find comfort anywhere.Everything tells me how I cannot be me cause I will never be loved for it.How am I supposed to feel?I thought I found somewhere to show the girl behind the mask-that is until I realized you're too good for me.And no matter what I do or who I become,I can never be enough...




If I Close My Eyes Tonight,Will I Be Home?


This life is just not bearable anymore..

Can somebody just please,please put a gun right next to my head and pull the trigger?I wanna make people happy.Do them a favor.Get rid of me.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Walking Away,I'll Be Seeing You Through A Satellite


I was headed home from the movie theater when you called.

"I need you here."
That was what you said.Your voice held a tone of urgency,so without seconds thoughts,I rushed back to your house.

When I arrived and rang the door bell,your house helper answered me by the gate.Except for her,the house was empty.

"Where is he?" I asked,a little annoyed that you might be toying around with me.

She told me that you informed her that you were going for a walk in the abandoned subdivision, Green Meadows.I asked her if she thought you were serious,she nodded.

I was worried.The abandoned subdivision?Green Meadows?What were you thinking?Still,I hired a tricycle to take me there.I was scared,not for myself,but for you.Yes,I know what loneliness does to you.

I was frantically calling your phone,but it just kept ringing.I got no answer.

When the tricycle dropped me off by the front gate,which was rusty and old,by the way,and it made an ugly screeching noise when I pushed it open,I looked around in hopes that I would see you,but I didn't.So,wearing my uncomfortable plaid peep toe flats,I made my way pass the tall swaying trees of pine,following the narrow dirt path that was drawn among the grass.It was a long walk before I saw you.

You were sat on the grass,facing the scattered patches of wildflowers that bloom only in Summer.The orange glow of the sunset illuminated that sad look upon your face.It made your sadness so distinct that I felt a fang of guilt crawl through my veins as I sat beside you.

Without looking at you,I spoke. "Will you tell me about it...Or do I have to guess?"

You sighed.That question held some significance to our friendship.We never force information out of each other.That was what we always used to ask,to find out what was wrong.

Silence.It used to be so comfortable,but a lot has changed in the last two years.If not for the same old girl's reflection in the mirror that glances back at me every time,I would believe we have entirely lost what we used to be.

You continued staring at the dancing flowers.There was a warm and gentle breeze.If it had not been you and I,I would say it was romantic.

As your thoughts carried you to a world of your own,I slightly turned my head to secretly stare at you.For the first time,I saw what you've been hiding all those times.I saw your burning ache to call me your own,and to feel that you belong to me.I saw someone who wanted so bad to be mine,hiding behind the facade of the same guy that was mine in an entirely different light.

"I'm sorry if I worried you."

You said that.It was the first time you've ever been sorry.You used to annoy me,pull pranks on me and purposefully make me cry,and not once did I ever hear you say you were sorry,even when I demanded it from you.

I frowned,it was my turn to fool you. "I got blisters on my feet for walking all the way here."

Instead of what I was expecting,I was surprised when you pulled my shins up to get a hold of my feet.One after the other,gently,you removed my shoes.

"I know I'm also causing you pain.I read your blog last night.I'm sorry for being selfish."

"Don't be." I answered. "As much as I want to say I hate you,you could probably see how deeply I care about you."

You nodded,with that immeasurable amount of pain showing in your forced smile.I wanted to look away.I could never bear to see you in pain.Instead,I closed my eyes.

Darkness and light fought for dominance when you asked me to stay for a while.I was supposed to be going home,but I didn't voice it out.If staying for a little while longer was the least I could to to ease the pain a bit,it was my responsibility to never say no.

I still do not know how long we sat in silence.I was a little surprised to see the stars the moment you got up and took my hand in yours.

Reluctantly,I stood up,dusting my pink summer dress before  I turned and saw the shadow of what used to be your sweetest smile.I should know--it was one of my favorite things in the world.

You touched the crest of my choker,beaming as I sheepishly blushed.I once told you that whenever I'm wearing it,good things happen.

You pulled something out of your side pocket.The night was clear enough for me to recognize what it was.An orange ribbon-the one you pulled out of my hair when I stole your favorite cap a year ago.Only now,it was adorned with beautiful little flowers from your Mom's garden.They were the ones I used to pick when she wasn't looking--orchids and baby's breaths.

Delicately,you tied it on what I used to call "something close to a ribbon knot" on my wrist.I stifled my laughter as you tried hard to tie it--we both know how you really couldn't make a ribbon.It was not one of your talents.

You put my hands around your shoulders.You kept yours protectively on my waist.To the sound of the humming crickets and the birds weaving a lullaby,with you in your faded bermuda shorts,while I was on my bare feet,with the breezy night as our only witness,slowly,under the stars,we danced.

That was when I realized it:
Whenever you want to,without intending to do so,you could always make me forget how badly I want to forget you.

I kept my gaze away from your eyes,it was getting way dramatic than originally planned.

To my utter amazement,you pulled me in an embrace suddenly,and I didn't have the heart to pull away.All that mattered to me was that you felt better.All things other than that simply hold no interest for me.

Without meaning for them to,tears streaked down my cheeks.You were crying secretly,and it broke my heart when you hugged me even tighter.It was like you wouldn't ever let go.

"I love you,you know that..."

I nodded,even though it was not really a question that needed an answer.

"I know this would be so hard.This would hurt...And there would come a day when I would wish I just died..."

You hesitated,and I began sobbing.My tears pooled a darker spot on your shirt.I've held them back for as long as I could remember.I knew where it was leading to,but I waited for you to continue.

"I'm letting you go..." You whispered.I felt your lips tremble against my ear,followed by your sudden outburst of emotions.I saw you cry once,twice,maybe three times...But not with that intensity.Not with that resigned and pained expression on your face that made me want to blame myself for not feeling the same.

I pulled away so that I could look at you.Smiling,but still crying and torn apart,I spoke.

"Thank you..." I was still shaking with tears so I covered my face with my hands. "Thank you..."

The long drive home was silent.You kept your eyes on the road while I watched the lights flicker by and blur as we drove past them.

I mumbled my last goodbye as I stepped out of your car.For the last time,too,you held the door open for me.I stood by the road as you sped away from me.I don't know if you noticed but I waved goodbye to you,to your car...It was the last time I'd ever be there.

Part of me is grateful and relieved that you finally found the courage to move on and start looking for the love that you truly deserve to have.

Part of me is thinking of what might have been if things turned out differently...if I happened to feel like you do...We would have been happy.

There's a lump in my throat,I still couldn't speak.We used to be inseparable.

Part of me is in grief,mourning at the thought that I have just lost you.

I Can't Find The Words To Say Goodbye


Wishing I could find a way to wash away the past.Knowing that my heart will break, but at least the pain will last...

How do you describe pain?Pain...I grew fond of blurting out the word whenever I'm in actual pain.Because nothing could ever define pain if not pain itself.

It's that undesirable feeling you have when you see him with the wrong one,knowing you're the right one.It's the fang of twisted emotions that feels like a thousand shattered pieces of broken glass are being injected into your chest.It's the destruction.It's the hopelessness.It's defeat.

It's hard for me to put pain into words now.If I am a good blogger then I should be able to write something that could make you feel pain,as if it is emanating from this entry.But what I'm feeling now is not pain.It's longing...It's regret.It's wishing for a second chance to bring the things back to how they were when it was all so simple.Now,I can't even look at myself without disdain.Cause I have hurt him.Again.

It has been two years since our friendship walked the long and winding road.You see---there are some things that are meant to be good and feel great,but you should know your limits.It's like riding a bus...It's fun,seeing the countryside,but you should know that at some point,you'd get off at a station,cause that is all you could afford.

What am I talking about? Friendship.Love.Pain.Someone wanted more than the other could give...And so it dwindled,while all I could do was sit back and watch.

Seriously...If you were in my place,would you have done otherwise?Would you have chosen to lie and say you felt the same way,or would you have gone straight out and tell it to his face that you just didn't like him?I didn't do either...And that made it worse.

Apparently,when you are given two choices,you have no choice but to choose.Even if it would end up hurting you,or whoever it is involved.Even if it meant suicide.Because choosing not to choose is not one of the options.I was so wrong.It killed me.It killed him.Because it put an end to the great friendship that used to be ours.

I hope he'd understand that I am hurting too.Had I chosen to lie to him and pretend...That would be like hell.I could have acted good enough to convince him that all was well,but how would my conscience be able to handle all the guilt if I did?All I wanted was friendship.That's all I could give him...


Had I chosen to say I didn't feel the same...What would become of me?I used to feel like I could never live without him,and if I told him that I could never be what he wanted me to be,he would have walked out of my life right there,right then.And I could never live with that.

I was selfish enough to keep him waiting for so long.Two years--I had been in a relationship with someone else,and he and I remained friends,all the while he was hoping that someday it would be the right time for us.I was selfish enough to unintentionally lead him on.I was selfish enough to never see his heart breaking everytime I tell him how happy I was.I was selfish.He'd had enough.

Recently,we talked.He asked me how long would he still have to wait,and I was shocked.I didn't know he was waiting all along.It was only then that I realized how he must have taken my actions seriously--like how he would close his eyes everytime I leaned my head on his chest,how he would unconsciously stare at my hand when I casually put it on his knee.Those things didn't mean anything to me in a romantic way.I now realize,to him,they did.

That's why I feel bad.All these times,he'd been keeping his hopes up,and I had no intentions of being someone to him other than a friend.In my own desperate way of striving hard to keep him in my life,I've ruined him.Because I didn't want to hurt him,I've hurt him.

I could have been a better person,if not a better friend.I wanted to shield him from his own pain.Turns out,I was causing that pain.I wish there's somehow a way to turn all this around.I wish I could take away all the things that make him die inside.

If only it could be done,I'd do it for sure... :(

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Drunk Tweeting....Is Not A Crime


I've been spending too much time staring at Ashley Greene's picture on the internet.I think I need to change a little.It's not healthy anymore.

Hello,I almost forgot to greet you.I guess you're expecting to read another crazy blog entry,noh?Well I don't know....You might be disappointed.

I'm here to talk about my drunken tweets last night.No,I was not drunk with alcohol,and I never will be.I just had a little too much Pepsi in my system...So I was very hyper.And when I woke up today and read my previous tweets,man.Did I really say those? See for yourself.

I have just eaten a drunk gummi bear.I'm totally including this moment in my fanfic.
Will I be considered religious if I worship you and the band?Monkeyism...
Rathbone-ism? What do you call the worshippers...Rathboners?
I suggested to everyone that instead of actually laughing out loud we should just say LOL so now we're all saying LOL.including Mimi's Dad.
SMOJCALANTC (Trust me,you wouldn't want to know what this means.)
@decodelala i miss yew more ohyeahbaby!
@decodelala i missh you too like mashed potatoes and where is @vickyvictoria10?
@decodelala @VickyVictoria10 heeeee we're complete like mashed potatoes!!!
@decodelala @VickyVictoria10I'm peeled. :D
@VickyVictoria10 @decodelala I changed my mind.I'm not a potato.I'm a banana. *hint hint* @TheFakeJAction
@TheFakeBenG If I promise to be a good girl,will you tweet me?
@decodelala LMAO we do we do!!Like dora the explorer we did it we did it yeah!
@TheFakeBenG I was hoping you'd say you love me. D:
@decodelala @VickyVictoria10 I'm drunkbroken.
*stabs a sword straight to my heart*
@LoveLoveLove715 LMAO I'm happier now than when I was a kid when I had the pencil case with the second floor.Hahaha 
Sooooo I was a little crazy,noh? But it's all good. *nods* I slept at 4:00 am, holy yellow Porsche,maybe that's why I'm still sleepy...and dizzy...and hungry.Oh well.

Tomorrow I have a plan to watch a movie with Ham,but I haven't told my grandmother about it yet.I'm still contemplating whether to tell her the truth or to spice up the story with a little...you know,a little convincing lie...But lying is bad so I'd just tell the truth. *Sigh*

That's it for now.I'll post a very deep and meaningful post when I want to. Hehe.

Tata! ;)

Butterfly Kisses...


I miss my father again. Who would go on stage with me on my graduation day? Who would walk me to the aisle on the most important day of my life? :(

I don't think I could ever get used to this loneliness and pain....

Monday, April 12, 2010

The Power of fake J-Action


So....If you know me well enough you would never even bother reading this post,cause the picture pretty much says it all.

MONROE JACKSON effing RATHBONE.Tweeted.Me.*dies*

*lives again to write*Yes.He now has a Twitter account and he is so nice to his fans.He and his band mates  are.They reply to fans likeee....no big deal.When in fact it is a big deal--a very big big deal.

Yesh.I woke up this morning and found out that he was tweeting (he still is) and that he tweeted Vicky and Louise.For a moment my brain couldn't function well.My head was clouded with jealousy.But then I told myself that those girls are my sisters,then immediately I was happy for them ^^.

In my desperation I asked him when he will tweet me and make my life complete.To my utter surprise and unfathomable joy,he replied.And yesh baby,my life is now complete.Dear G-d,I can die now...although I'd rather not. ;)

I know I promised myself that I'd go to the bank today but...I don't know anymore.I'm in a daze and that's not a good sign,right?I mean what if I faint and there's no one to save me?!!

Am I exaggerating?

Yes?

Okay.I'm going to the bank.Although I'd really rather not.

I'm going now...

Bye....

*Looks back* I'm  going....


Uhm....Aren't you going to stop me or something?

Can You Keep A Secret?


I think I've done something great today.I feel so fulfilled but there's a catch: I can't tell you about it yet.I have to shut my mouth for at least two more weeks before I could blurt it out.I don't think I could hold it that long.

You see,I am so excited.And when I am excited,I could NEVER just cower in a corner and shut up about it--that's why I'm blogging now,to keep myself busy.To forget about how my hands are itching to buzz that person involved and spill the secret.

Still...I can't bring myself to fully concentrate on not telling the secret.I'm at the edge of my sanity.I need to keep it all in...But how? *insert confused evil laugh here*

I really want to say more but my hands are so shaking right now because my monkey man just opened up a Twitter account and I could not contain my excitement that I forgot all about the secret.Bye!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Part Time Human,Full Time Procrastinator


Wow.This just proves that I really am the Queen of Procrastination. I spend almost all day in front of my computer,talking with random people on Twitter,ignoring the things that I really should do first.

What happened to my life?Do I have a life?

No.That seems pretty obvious.And to tell you the truth,I have no intentions of getting one.I plan to spend the whole summer vacation at home...procrastinating.Aaaah! Don't blame me,I can't help it!

So today I want to go to the bank.I really do,but it's Sunday and the banks are closed.Why do I have this feeling that I will be too lazy to go tomorrow?I don't know.Remind me to remind myself that I really have to go,or else I'd say goodbye to my internet connection.Now that's an entirely different story.

I woke up today to a review by Vickeh,of course.For my Fanfiction "Chasing Rainbows",she said it's like a written lullaby.I was so happy,and then I realized that lullabies are supposed to make people sleepy.Is that what you meant,Vicky?Hehe,nah,seriously,thank you. And fireflies and butterflies are magical,if I may say so.

So now I have to step out for lunch but I can't bring myself to do so.Instead,I'm here on my blog,telling you about all these nonsense stuff that happened in my nonexistent social life.I even doubt it if I still have a physical life,if you know what I mean.It's like I'm only active virtually.I lost connections with my friends while I was so busy having fun with my virtual friends.Sometimes I wish this computer monitor could somehow swallow me and take me to the other side of the world.Wouldn't that be fun? :D

As for now,I really have to go eat lunch if I don't want my Tita (or whoever it is from the family) to come dragging me and shoving my face to the plate. I'll be back later to write about tadpoles and my recent adventure with a duckling,if you could even call running after a chirping duckling that invaded my room an adventure.Wait---did I just say that?Do ducklings chirp?I have no idea.

THE END.
P.S.-I'm not drunk with Coke.I swear I'm not.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

From Blood Clots to Ink Drops


Write your story as it needs to be written. Write it honestly, and tell it as best you can. I'm not sure that there are any other rules. Not ones that matter. 
-Neil Gaiman

I don't know what I should,could,would write about.I'm uninspired but I really want to blog,so you  pretty much can't do anything about it.

I've got some questions on Formspring that I did not answer because they're almost all the same: How do I manage to write everyday?Why is it that I seem to never run out of words to say?

The answer is simple:  I do run out of words to say.I do experience those lazy days when no matter how hard I try to squeeze something out of my mind,nothing would come out.I do have writer's block every once in a while,but I know how to beat it.

How?

Easy.I write about what I feel,what I think,what's on my mind.If I don't have anything to write about,I'll write about not having anything to write about.Just like now.

See?I started this entry by saying I don't know what to write about,but as soon as I did,words started pouring out.The key to writing something is being honest--just put it all down in words,no matter how bad you think it is,it will come out great if you write in all honesty.

One more thing,watch your words.I've read a nice quote of Meg Cabot saying "write about something that you would want to read",and I was like,that is so absolutely right.Just write about you.Let it focus on your feelings,your views,the way you see things.With that done,you could never go wrong.If you write about something that you would never want to read,then you're just defeating the whole purpose of writing.

This is what I love.I hope I could say this is what I do best...But I don't have that much confidence yet.All I know is that whenever I write,it feels like I'm reconnecting with a distant part of myself that I have no idea it even exists.It's like stepping in a whole new world where I could just be as real as I could ever get without feeling the need to mold myself into what they expect me to be.

Truth be told,I could go on with this forever,I'll never run out of reasons why I love writing,but this one stands out among the rest:

It sets me free.

Even Heroes Have The Right To Bleed


I stayed up again last night,talking to Vicky on MSN.I don't know how I would live anymore if Vicky and Louise go out of my life,seriously.

Back to the topic,we had this very honest conversation about our strangely intertwined lives.Two girls,living on different sides of the world,tied to similar fates.

We are both passionate about writing,friends,and family.People who only see us but don't bother to look closely will probably say we're typical girls who love to laugh and enjoy life as it is easy for us.Wrong.

Most of them would never know what lies behind our chipper mood.I love making people happy,encouraging them to do what they want,telling them that they're doing great,seeing all the good things in every person--but I don't practice what I preach.

When I changed the URL of this blog,people came up to me and asked me if I deleted it.I asked them why they had to know,and their answers were almost the same: they like reading what I write.I must admit that it made me feel happy,knowing that somehow,someone takes interest in what I want to say.Still,I was surprised,cause I don't see why they would even bother reading.I believe these works are all worthless,anyhoo.

At least,I'm making them happy,right?Yes.I love seeing other people happy,especially when I am the reason behind their smiles.A friend even fondly calls me "Savior" because she says that's what I am to her.Try as I might,I can't be as perfect as people assume me to be.

Just because I come out strong doesn't mean my knees don't shake,and tears don't fall.They do,of course they do.I'm also human,after all.Even if you see me as a hero,I am also vulnerable.I also get hurt...and sometimes,I wish someone would take the time to ask if I am okay,because I need to be saved,too.

Don't tell me your life is a wreck.Believe me,it isn't.If you knew Vicky and I,you would even think you're lucky.We're having it the hard way.It's not easy to fake a smile when inside,all you want to do is cry.

Go on...Go on wishing that you have my so called fairytale life.I wonder how long it would take for you to realize that I have no fairy Godmother here.Just when you thought you're the most cursed person on Earth,you met me.And you would know...

It's not easy to be me.

Confession #4

I don't,I won't,I will never eat Dinuguan.

I firmly believe in compromise.When I was 8 or 9,I asked God to make my parents buy me a bike or a tennis set,and in return,I would never again eat Dinuguan (my favorite dish at that time). When my parents returned from their trip to Manila,they brought me home a tennis set,so my prayers were answered,and as a compromise,I kept my word.

Before,I was very tempted to break it but I kept my self control in check.As time passed by,I got used to not eating it anymore,to the point that I now find it disgusting.Nobody knows about this story.My aunt thinks it's because of the black color of the soup that I don't want to eat,so when she cooks dinuguan, she sets aside a portion for me that she wouldn't cook with blood.

I can't believe I stuck with my word,because as a child,I did what I wanted.I'm so proud now that I'm sure I have at least one promise that I did not ever break. ;)

All The Way Back Where I Belong


I don't know why,you always seem to give me another try...

For days now,I've been wanting to run away...Run away and never come back to this place I call home.Now that I'm sober again,I think I've been too selfish and stubborn.

They don't even have any idea about the things I write here,the things I complain about,cause day by day,from the moment I open my eyes till I close my bedroom door at night,I hide behind a happy smile.I don't give them a chance to see what's wrong,cause I don't want to start a confrontation.I've been so immature.

We're not the kind of family who hug each other just because.We don't talk about love,and we don't deal with our emotions.I don't know why,but we're not affectionate.There are times when all I need is a hug but no one would give it to me,so I'd curl up in a ball and hug my knees to my chest,hoping that somehow,someday,we would be all we want to be...and then maybe we could start being happy.

I've always complained about the smallest of things--what we have for dinner,wrinkled shirts,warm drinking water.I am spoiled,that's why even if I have the best things,I take them for granted.It can never be enough and I will never be fully satisfied,which is a bad thing.

Now that I've woken up from 19 years of a dream where I became a princess whose words are rules,I've decided to change for the better.I've always given people what they deserve...Now,my family deserves good words and praises for being so patient with me,and I would not take that away from them.

So from the bottom of my flower shaped marshmallow heart,I,the girl who sold the world,would like to say thank you,thank you to my family for putting up with my brattiness (it's not a word though) and sticking with me even when I'm being rude.I appreciate it that even after all the mistakes I did,you stood by me.You forgave me and helped me start again.I'm sorry for overlooking these things that you did just so I could have a better life.I now understand--you only want what's best for me.

Because I spent all my time cursing at the rain,I didn't notice the rainbow it drew over the horizon.Now I see how beautiful my life is--how it always has been if I just let the minor glitches off,and it's all because of you.

I'd stop running away...

These faces and these places are getting old,so I'm going home.

The Optimist



She sees the world in black and white
Amidst the darkness,she knows where to find the light
She dances in the rain even when lightnings strike
Her rapture sets her as free as a kite.
*
A beam of sunlight-that's what she wears
She always have a flower tucked neatly in her hair
She stands beside the weak and the helpless
She sprinkles the air with pixie dusts of happiness.
 *
Her recalcitrant world may be covered with clouds
But at the end of the day she stands strong and proud
With stars and fireflies,she marks her own fate
In the world she lives in,you would not know of hate.
*
After every pouring rain,she goes waiting for the rainbow.
She believes that after every bad,something good will follow.
She whispers in the wind to throw away the sorrow.
Then gracefully she basks under the assurance of tomorrow.
*
She speaks to the judgmental as if they are friends
She'd help you start over when you think it is the end
She sits atop a tree,the dandelions dance
She giggles,she pirouettes,she's caught up in a trance.
*
She might be just another sunflower in disguise.
She,a beauty,weaves tales of enchanted lullabies.
But behind closed doors,after painting the skies,
The optimist weeps,she silently cries.

Ehhh here's a poem written for and inspired by Miss Sunshine, *drum roll* Caitie Uhlmann!!! Hehe This is totally random...I just saw that sunflower picture and then I remembered her and the rest is history.I like her attitude,you know,even when people are being mean she stays graceful and very collected.So that's it! ;)


Friday, April 9, 2010

When Will I Feel The Magic In The Air?


If nothing lasts forever,will you be my nothing?

That's just so corny,I know,I know...But I've been waiting for months now,where is he?Why isn't he here yet...?What's taking him so long to find me?

I sound desperate,don't I?Well,I am desperate.I'm at wit's end.When I broke up with my last boyfriend,I felt free--I would never deny that.It's like I've been suffocated for so long,then finally the strangler let go of my neck,letting me breathe again for the first time.I thought I would be happy,but now that I am free...I guess I might have been wrong.

We always have our regrets,don't we?I don't regret breaking up with him--I still think it's the wisest decision I've ever made.But I was wrong for thinking living without love would be as easy as breathing.You see,I've been in a relationship for two years--that was something really serious,and it got me addicted.Being in love is like a drug,even if it's slowly killing you,you'd get hooked somehow.That's what happened to me.

Now that I'm single (for 6 months,I guess?),I really miss having someone to lean on to when things are bad.I miss having someone to talk to on late nights,abut the most trivial of things that don't make sense at all.For once,I'm seeing how love has brought color to my life.And now that everything is dull and lifeless,I just want to have someone who would be willing to listen to me rant about my frustrations,wipe my tears dry,shush me and assure me that it will all work out fine.I want someone here,beside me,lying on the grass,gazing at the stars,tying our handkerchiefs in knots as we whisper our wishes,watching a meteor shower on the coldest and darkest of nights.

You know what I'm talking about,right?I've always said that life could be so lonely at times,and I do not want to take it for granted,but in times like this,all I really need is love.

Call me a hopeless romantic,I don't care.I just want to have that feeling back.

Those moments when the radio would play "Today Was A Fairytale" and I would instantly have that idiotic grin on my face,while my daydreams take me to wherever he is,also dreaming of me.

Best. Day. Ever. So Far ;)

Today,I'm thankful for summer.

I don't know why, I feel like this has been the highlight of my summer this year,so far.I mean,we've gone swimming and traveling these past few weeks but I've never been this happy.So here are the most important events of my day.

Last night,one of our raised hogs gave birth to 14 piglets, 13 of which died. Sad,I know.A piglet costs Php1,800.00 each in the least,I guess.Because of the super hot weather,the mother got weak and she could not get better anymore,so the veterinarian suggested that we just slaughter her so that we could still at least profit from the meat.My grandmother agreed,but she was almost crying.She loves animals,just like I do.

That hog weighed about 300 kilograms.Yes,she was big,really really big.We distributed the meat in the neighborhood,telling them to pay whenever they have the money.Originally,we could have sold the meat for about Php30,000.00, but because it was all so sudden,we can only expect half of the money.We did not profit.

When I woke up this morning,I walked to the refrigerator only to see it brimming with pork meat.Everywhere.My initial reaction was that I needed to throw up.Since I've seen Dread,I had this slight aversion to meat that would not go away.We had pork nilaga for lunch-my favorite,but I did not eat that much,because I really couldn't bear eating an animal that I once saw alive,which,if you are confused,means I don't eat the animals that we raised.I only eat those meat bought from the supermarket.

The time I was dreading for came today,too.If you are following me on Twitter you should know by now how these past few days,I came up with the most creative and imaginary excuses to not go to the bank.I had to,since Monday,because I had to pay my internet bill.I have been very lazy to get out of my room and get dressed and just pay.For so many times,I've said I'm going, but I always ended up stalling. To make it all short,I had the much needed enthusiasm to go today.

 My awesome procrastinating skill always gets in the way when I have to do boring things.

Since Cabanatuan City is an hour away,I decided to pay in BDO Talavera.I had to endure fifteen long minutes of boredom,riding a jeepney that was possibly slower than a turtle,and when I got there...BOOYAH!!!! The bank welcomed me warmly with a sign on the glass door that said: CLOSED. What.The.Hell.Good thing I brought my PSP with me.I blasted on some feel good music and told myself that since I was already dressed,I'd just go to another BDO branch--in Munoz.

Munoz is situated 30 effing minutes away from Talavera.You could even pass by my hometown on the way.So yeah,I arrived in Munoz quite exhausted, and then I realized that the bank is located far from the bus stop..well,too far for my liking.So I walked...for miles and miles...Okay,I just walked two long,dirty,and noisy City Market streets without an umbrella or any magic shield to protect me from the scorching heat of sun,and when I arrived...BOOYAH!!!!The bank was closed too.On the glass door,a note was also taped.It said: Hello Loser,today, April 9, 2010, is a non-working Holiday.We are closed,so go take your lazy bum back home and come back tomorrow,we will be here to save you.Well,to be honest,it only said that today is a holiday...But it sounded so harsh to me,I have no idea why.*Sigh* I have to go back tomorrow.

My very artistic representation of the distance I traveled today.I know,I'm  a great artist.Thanks!

I went home really disappointed until I found my aunt and sister skewering barbecues on sticks.That cheered me up a little.We had barbecues all afternoon,and I forgot about my meat aversion for a while.We also had tons of Coke and these really huge raisin muffins that I loved.They looked like those ones that Emily baked in New Moon.I completely forgot about my bank failure. ;) We had so much fun eating and cooking...And now,I am sooooooo full that I would not step out for dinner.

So there yah go with my detailed diary entry for today.It has been a hot summer day, but the afternoon was breezy.So far,today is my favorite day of Summer 2010. Staying at home can sometimes be a lot better than going out,I must admit.My sister and I had "So Long,Sweet Summer" and "Hands Down" on repeat on the stereo, and it was the best feeling ever!So that's it...I'm about to end the day with a session of stargazing.

Confession #3

I used to be left handed.

I learned to write my name when I was 4, and when I was in Kindergarten,I used to write using my left hand.One day,when I was doing my homework on an activity book,I was required to draw a star.It was then that my aunt first noticed that I was left handed.She taught me how to draw a star using my right hand,but it was so difficult that I insisted drawing it with my left.

When I graduated from Kindergarten,I still had lessons even during summer vacation so that I would not forget what I've learned.My aunt took that as an opportunity to train me to write using my right hand.When I entered elementary,I was right handed,and eventually forgot how to write with my left hand.

I took the seat that my teacher gave me,and when I stirred,I saw that my new seatmate,Eunica,was left handed.We managed to get ourselves through first grade,bumping elbows unintentionally every time we had to write on our notebooks.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Fairytales and Giggles:A Journey To My Past


I just want to share my thoughts before going to bed,cause yes,just like you,I always have this little thinking session before I finally close my eyes and drift off to a hopefully dreamless sleep.

In these little thinking sessions,I often get lost in a trance.My mind seems to like wandering off to the past or to the future,whichever I prefer to think about on a certain night.

Tonight,it's about fairy tales and giggles. It's about the past.

I just miss those days when I was little. I used to make forts out of our blankets.Sometimes I'd wrap them around my body,then go on parading around our shabby little house.Things like those used to make me happy.My favorite show was a noon time show, there was this segment called the "Calendar Girls". It was a beauty contest.It was what always inspired me to secretly snag my mother's make up and smear lipstick and mascara on my eyes, and all over my face.I can still remember bugging them to please take me to audition for "Little Miss Philippines" but they never got around to it.

As a child,I was a loner.I do play with kids my age but oftentimes,my parents and family were overprotective,since I was the only child in the family back then. My sister was born when I was five years old.Back to my little self,I used to spend every afternoon of everyday in Jollibee.That was because my aunt and I had a deal that whenever I get perfect scores on quizzes and exams,we'd go to Jollibee.I used to have every single toy they made.

We had this huge backyard where I liked to play alone,running around,talking to my doll,or picking blueberries.Yes,we did have a blueberry tree,and it was my best friend.When we had our house renovated,it was cut down,and I missed it.I was never that fond of milk,I preferred Milo or Sustagen.I could never live without them.

I lived an easy life back then.I was treated like a princess.What I wanted,I got. They used that method to motivate me in school.Whenever there was a poem to memorize,my mother would lock me up all afternoon in our bedroom,and I could never be let out until I memorized the damn verses.After that,she would take me to the store where I could pick everything I want,and she'd buy them.I always picked Ring Bee cheese sticks,only because I loved putting those sticks inside my ears or nose,and that always got me in trouble with my father.

I remember swallowing a 25 cent coin,and being operated because of the earring lock that got stuck in my ear.I remember overhearing my mother say she'd name my sister "Rhiza May", and I remember asking her to give my name to my sister instead,and give me the name "Rhiza May" in exchange.That's how much I hate my name.I remember climbing trees,sneaking out with my friends to the ricefields,dreading the time my father would find out that I sneaked out.

I remember bringing my best friend to our house.My parents were in the farm that day,so we raided the food cabinets,and found two kilograms of uncooked pasta.I remember putting water on a pot,waiting impatiently for it to boil,putting the pasta sticks eventually,and when they were tender,I sprinkled it with soy sauce, fish sauce, and ketchup. I would never forget my best friend's face when she took a spoonful of the sauce to try it.

I remember running on the street with my playmates--the rowdy boys and the prissy girls--playing hide and seek when the moon was bright.We also had to attend two of our friends' funerals, who both died of illnesses our young minds didn't have any idea about.Their parents asked us to play,to lighten the mood,and even though we were sad,we did,cause that was all we could do.We played several games which,in the end,had my face all messed up with charcoal doodles.

I remember bathing on the water irrigation system for the fields,resting under a tree shade in what seemed like the middle of nowhere.We used to play with haystacks,and then when we were bored,we would go to the pond and catch tadpoles using our bare hands.I got a lot of disciplinary acts for those,but they were fun times I would never regret.

I remember having this one doll,which I did not name,but I loved so much.I had her when I was two,I last saw her when I was 17.Now,I have no idea where she might be.She was the prettiest doll ever,and I would never forget the way I cried one morning when I saw that her neck was slashed open with a knife. Despite the inflicted wound,I could not afford to lose her,so I decided to keep her.I had so many toys,like a Teletubbies plushie,but they could never surpass the bond I had with my nameless doll,so my parents gave up in trying to replace her.

I still can't believe that almost 15 years have passed since all these happened.In my blurry memory that seems to choose the events and moments to save for me to remember,it's like they just took place yesterday.As I curl up in a ball,closing my eyes,I can still hear our giggles and screams,the fairy tales we used to write in small booklets of bond papers when we played "bookstore".I can still recall those moments,the sparkle in our eyes when we exchanged gifts for no apparent reason at all.It's like magic.It's like I don't want to pull away from this trance,reminiscing those days when innocence was so genuine,those days when instead of looking back on the happy things that just happened,I was looking forward to the brighter things that were sure to happen the next day.

Time really is a mist.You go to sleep on the night of your 5th birthday party,then the next morning,you'll wake up,and you're nineteen.

Confessions Of The Normally Abnormal, Usually Unusual

Yesterday, someone asked me if I have gone bonkers. The answer,of course,was no. "This is just me being normal,actually." :D

You might be wondering what lead to the question.This is exactly why today,I am having a confession...Confessions,actually.

Confession #1: The Gummy Bears' Demise
I like killing gummy bears. And I spell it as "gummii", to be honest. It's just cruel...But it makes me happy. I set the color for the day,then kill. Yesterday it was orange. They caused my Barbie's death, so I gave them punishment.I drowned some of them in a glass of Coke and I was amused.Ha! Taught them to be nosey. ;) Before the killing spree,though,I first organized a gummii wedding. An orange gummii bear's last wish was to marry a red gummii bear,so I agreed to do the wedding.After that, I beheaded them, leaving the gummi bride a widow.

Confession #2: The Soldier And The Pixie
You might find it strange for some reason,but I do ship Jackson and Ashley more than Robert and Kristen. You don't know who they are?Shame on you. That's Twilight's Jasper and Alice. I seriously hype up everytime I see a photo of them,or read an article,which is like,always.I am totally hooked,and no,I don't need psychological help,thank you very much.

That's it for today,since I have to run to the stupid bank to pay my internet bill or else I'll be disconnected.I would never want that to happen.I would rather die.Seriously! Okay bye!

I think I might make it a habit to post some confessions here. It's quite fun. ;)

A Place In This World


I don't know what I want,so don't ask me.I'm still trying to figure it out.

Well,seems like Taylor Swift is taking over my life.Yes,the title and the first line of this post is from her song, "A Place In This World".

Sometimes, I really don't know where I belong.I don't know who's with me,I don't know who I could run to in rough times.I wish there were no oceans and seas,and that every place in the world is accessible by feet.I would have been happy.

There are those times when all we really need is one tight bear hug from someone--whoever that someone might be-a friend,a sister,a parent,a stranger.But we can't have it,cause there's no one to turn to.I hate feeling like there's nowhere to go cause it sucks...It just makes it clearer that I am alone.

I'm pretty much sure that I am a good listener.I could stay listening to a friend rant and vent about her f*cked up life for hours or days on end,I wouldn't mind,cause that's what I am.What hurts me is that there are times when I have to be the one to speak of my pain,and they wouldn't be there to listen.Isn't that a little too much for my torn heart to bear...?They wouldn't even ask how I am,or if I am alright...They'd just go on wallowing about their sh*tty lives like they own all the problems in the world.Well here's to you, friends: I'm taking the crown.

Currently,I am caged.I can never show who I really am without being ridiculed,to be honest.It's just so mean that I want to be myself--I want to care for nature,I want to be an animal rights activist...But nobody would get on my side to defend me because they think what I'm doing is pointless.What if this is what I want?What if this is where I belong?

Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission, but I'm ready to fly...

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Things We Take For Granted That We Will Someday Lose


Has anyone ever told you to first put yourself in others' shoes before you start judging or complaining? I believe that is definitely fair.

Life--it's all about balancing and moderation.For every good,there is bad, same with darkness and light.We will excel in some things,fail in another,but that's just life.It's up to us how we work these strengths and weaknesses to our own advantages, without devising harm against our fellows, of course.

It's never easy to juggle everything when you only have one body-two arms,two feet,two eyes,two ears.We only have one heart and one mind,and 24 hours a day,we use them to survive being a student to our teachers,a child to our parents, a sister/brother to our siblings, a friend, a social aggregate, a neighbor, a stranger.But the hardest part of being ourselves is being ourselves itself.Because it is not all the time that we will be right with the words we say, with the things we believe in, and with the paths we take.

Despite all the negativity,life will still be beautiful for me.I believe that everything happens for a reason,but it is all entirely up to us on how we deal with  the difficulties.As for me,in spite of all the things that go on hurting me,I'd smile and remember that He created darkness for me to appreciate light,noise so that I'd appreciate silence,and goodbye for me to know how lucky I am every time I say hello.

Even though my life is completely effed up at the moment,I can't bring myself to blame anybody,cause this is my life--I chose my fate.Still,I do not regret the way I tried juggling my life in my own two hands,and at the end of every single day,I could still thank Him and feel blessed.I just always bear in my mind that no matter how bad I think my life is,somehow,I'm still lucky to have food in my plate while somewhere,someone is completely famished and hungry.I'm still lucky that I am going to school,taking up the course I want,while somewhere,someone is ready to gamble their life in exchange for a chance of having a good future.And that somewhere,someone is soaked up in rain,spending the night bundled up in nothing but their tattered old clothes,shivering in the cold,while I lie in a comfortable bed under a roof in my own home,never satisfied with what I already have,taking for granted all the things that I should be thankful for.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I've Lost Myself....And Something More


I think I need to find myself.

I've changed a lot,and people are starting to notice,especially my friends.
I don't know how,where,or when it all began...But I've definitely lost my old self,and I want it back.Not because nobody likes the new me...But because I don't like how I turned out to be.

I could not care less if people don't like me or my attitude.It is not my job to please them in the first place.Of course,nasty comments hurt but why would I let their words bring me down?After all,I live in a world where I bend and mold words.I can change them and turn them into something good,whatever bad they say.

When I deal with these people whose ideas of having a life is to bring a girl down,I just remind myself that if there is someone who knows me best,that someone is me.I live,eat,laugh,talk,and sleep with myself every single second of the day,so why would I care what they say?If it would not make me feel better,I'd let it enter one ear,then exit the other.That way,they'd never win,and words would never betray me.

As for the change in me that I hate...My friends seem to hate it too.I think it drove some of them away.I know I must be sad and wallowing,but I am not.I just figured out who my real friends are.Now I know who among them only loves me when I'm sunny and bubbly,and who stays even when I am moody and pessimistic.I will bring back my old self,but I don't think the eliminated friendships will ever find their way back to my heart.

When trust is broken,even if you kill yourself trying to fix it,it will never be the same.