Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Turn Off The Lights, Kiss Yourself Goodnight.

Today has been pretty nice. I felt pretty today.

Before I took the ride home, I went to the city market first, to buy a cup of Coke from 7 Eleven. People were probably wondering why I was so cheerful, cause I was. I smiled the whole time. I smiled when the ice was not dropping in my cup. I smiled when a little boy was standing in my way.

Sometimes, when I pass by and see people staring, I wonder if they think I'm pretty, or if they're staring because maybe I have dirt on my face. I wonder how many of them follow me with their gazes while I stride away, or how many of them remember me, think of me before they go to sleep at night. Am I that important? Can I be that important?

Anyways, my family and I decided to just go swimming in Stone 8 for my birthday. It's a private resort in the mountais, two hours away from home. It would be better, because we just can't push through our plans of going to Star City. We're broke.

I'm not really excited at all, though. I'm turning 20, but I have the mind and the emotional state of a 16 year old. I think I'll always be childish, no matter what. Last night, a guy on Facebook messaged me. He said I was pretty, and I smiled. I almost forgot how good it feels to have someone telling me that. He asked for my number and wanted to go to my house, but I turned him down. I miss having someone to care for, but something that happens THAT fast just wouldn't work for me. I'm not the fling kind of girl. My relationships always last for years, even though they are on and off and on and off and on and off again.

Hm. What else should I share here? These days are so cold, by the way. And there are MOSQUITOES. -.- So I have to sleep with my electric fan on, even though I'm freezing. Also, my grandma said she can't finance my studies anymore. Let's see what happens after this. I'm so scared to face my tomorrows right now.

Sleep is my way of NOT dealing with things. I wish I could sleep forever. I'm trying so hard to escape reality, but it haunts me, even in my dreams. For now, I'll tuck myself in, turn off the lights, and kiss myself goodnight.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I'm Not Ready For The Weight Of Us.

I'm silently crying in my room, because I don't want my grandmother to suspect anything. My day was good...That was until my mother called. Long story short, I'm disappointed.

Two Wednesdays from now, it's my birthday. I never asked my Mom for anything, just now. I was hoping she could give me some money because we were planning to go to Star City but before I could even ask, she dumped everything on me again. It would've been understandable if this was the first, second, or third time. But everytime she talks to me, it's always this and that. She didn't even ask me how I was.

When it's my sister who wants something, she'll give it to her by hook or by crook. Last November, she sent her a lot of money to buy new clothes, new shoes, new everything. Not a single cent for me, except that my sister lent me one thousand pesos. Last December, she sent us both five thousand each, but I had to pay my debts so I only got four. On her birthday this month, she received four thousand.

What about me? Am I just a sound board to her? It's not the lack of money that makes me cry. It's the unequal treatment. She'd always say, "ask your grandmother" but my grandmother already pays for my God damn education, which is my mother's responibility in the first fucking place. I'm just so frustrated. With me, it's like she just got pregnant, gave birth, and her task was done. It's not like she has a daughter at all. It sucks.

Life is so miserable right now and it's just about to get worse. In all honesty, I don't know how much longer I can live. I need something, someone, to prove to me that it's still worth it.

Right now I'm just so tired.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Through The Winning,Losing, And Trying...

A friend is a hand that is always holding yours, no matter how close or far apart you may be. A friend is someone who is always there and will always, always care. A friend is a feeling of forever in the heart.

 Sometimes, we have to lose someone or something important before we can finally acknowledge their presence. I usually wear rings on my fingers. I get so used to the feeling of having it there, until it comes to the point where it feels like it's a part of my body already. An extension. Until one day, I'll just forget that I have a ring, and treat it like it's some ordinary thing. In short, I take it for granted.

What's sad is this, the moment I take it off, I won't be able to remember where I put it. I'll lose it, and the following days will be torture, because I'll be longing for the comfortable feeling of having my ring around my finger. That's exactly how it feels like when you lose your friends.

We spend a lot of time with them, sometimes, we talk on the phone even after midnight, giggling, rambling about silly nothings. It's hard to think that people fall apart, but it's true. We don't notice the small changes that happen every day, the little gaps that form, until one day, we're all just so far apart that the distance can't be bridged anymore.

We can't really put the blame on one single person, but we usually look for someone, SOMETHING to blame, because we have to find reasons why. Sometimes, there are no reasons.

Sometimes, we meet people who are meant to teach us some lessons...When their purpose is done, we have no choice but to let go.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Tell Me Something Sweet To Get Me By.

*click photo to enlarge.

For Once,Things Are As Bright As They Seem.

Sometimes,we walk so often in the dark that we come so close to forgetting what it feels like to see the light. It's like losing hope, letting go of all the faith you've had, and just letting the waves take you to the shore.

Life, my friends,as we all know it, doesn't always happen the way we want it to. There'd be problems and struggles,we'd fall to our knees, there'd be those awful days when we'd look in the mirror, touch our hair or the lines in our faces, and say "God, I look terrible."

What I learned lately is that life will always suck for those who always think it sucks. It all depends on how you deal with it. Positive thoughts emit positive energy, in my opinion, and I've decided to take a stand and instead of trying to prevent myself from getting carried away by the waves, I started to learn to swim with the current. Go with the flow until I can touch the sand again, until the storm is calm, until I can get hold of everything again.

It makes me sad that we complain so much about the things we don't have. I'm guilty of this. But last night, I was on the bus, headed home. It was 11 in the evening, it was freezing cold, and the streets are dark. A table was laid out on the street. It was lit by a kerosene lamp. On the table was a bottle of vinegar, a basket of balot (boiled premature duck eggs, a famous Filipino street food), and chicharon, and packets of cigarettes. An old lady is manning this tabe, clad in two jackets, watching the cars pass by, probably hoping someone would buy from her some time.

That got me thinking really hard. What if that old lady was my grandmother? You might say I overreacted, but I was on the verge of tears. I was thinking of possible reasons why my grandmother might end up being a street vendor, and the only reason I could think of was myself. I know, deep down in my being that if needed be, my grandmother would do that for me. To be able to put food in my plate. To be able to throw clothes on my back. That old lady must be working for her grandchildren,too, and there I was, barely contented with the things I already have.

To some of you,it may be just like, "Oh, she's being dramatic again, blah blah blah," and I won't blame you, because we're different people. The greatest love I know is the love I have for my grandmother, and all through these years I've been taking a lot of things for granted,and not once did she complain. It's funny how the smallest things could wake us up from our deepest slumbers sometimes. I don't know what has gotten into me, but as soon as I was done thinking about the things I have, and burying all the things I don't have in the back of my mind, I felt better.

I have everything anyone could ever need. The things I don't have,those are some of the things I want,but don't really need. Life has a strange way of showing it to us, but it can be everything we want it to be, if only we'd see things diferently.

Today, I feel better than I've ever felt before. I feel lighter, happier. I've learned to accept my flaws and embrace everything I am, as well as everything I'm not. I've got what I need, what I love. This should make me smile for the rest of my life.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

If Only One Thing Happened Differently...

It's dark outside,I'm awake. All I want to do is sleep forever.

My problems are haunting me. I haven't even gotten a wink of sleep because each time I tried closing my eyes,the consequences would come alive in my dreams,and I can't stand them. My brain hurts from thinking too much. I don't think I can handle this,but I have to. I just wonder what's going to happen to my life. It's selfish that I'm already seeking forgiveness,when I haven't asked for it yet.

It's just so...complicated.I'm cold,and I love this house,but how long will it be able to shelter me? I failed them. What hurts the most is that I failed myself,too,more than anyone else. It's sad when you want to cry,and even the tears won't stream out. It's as if they're saying, "You put this on yourself,deal."

I just wish I could wave a hand and be back in time,three years from now. One single mistake from the past is ruining my life,and I don't think I can face it. I can't...I don't want to...

I fucked up. I need a hug...