Saturday, May 29, 2010

The Worst Way

They say the worst way to miss someone is when you're right beside him,and yet you can't have him.

I once laughed and asked, how could you miss someone when he's right beside you? To me,that sounded silly. Because back then,everything was simple.

Back then, I never had any reason to miss anyone when they are sitting inches away from me.All the gaps could be bridged by a hug,or a simple conversation.I've never dreamed this would ever happen to me.

The moon...It's so beautiful tonight, especially because I'm watching it from this shore. Memories are tricky. I could do with less of them,but tonight,they're here,flooding my mind, reminding me of what I have left behind.

There was that one time you twirled me around in your "boys only" cabin. There was a sign at the door saying "NO GIRLS ALLOWED" in your sloppy handwriting,but you let me in. And then the afternoon we chased each other in the rain. You might think things like these have walked past my memory, but the simplest of things can be the most deceiving sometimes. I still remember the two of us locked in the basement because our friends thought it was the best way for us to talk things out. And the image of you twirling my hair around your finger is still my favorite scene to replay on my mind,because of the gentle way you smiled and closed your eyes.Sometimes,I'd still think I hear your voice calling my name,the sweetest sound I've ever heard,then I would learn that my mind was yet again playing tricks on me.

The bottomline? I miss you. I miss everything about you, but that was because you were gone,and I left you.That was because these memories are hunting me,in my dreams,or even when I am wide awake.Still,I taught myself how to get over it all-your smile,the way you poke my noise right after every...conversation,and those occassional moments we lay our feet flat against each other,just to see if they,too,like our hands,were made to fit each other perfectly.

They say the worst way to miss someone is when you're right beside him,and yet you can't have him.

A tear falls,unnoticed,and the moon is my only witness.I sob as silently as I could,and thankfully enough,my cries are drowned with the sound of the waves curling on the shore.

Right here,watching you watching the ocean,glittering like liquid silver as moon beams shine on the surface,I miss you.

You sit there beside her,where I could have been,and all I can do is watch you from afar,cause right now,that's all I can do.

And now I know,I'm missing you.In the worst possible way.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Twilight And It's Characters-In Five Sentences

For years now,we are all obsessed with Twilight. Anything Twilight. Sure,we do know all the characters but what about the others? The non-twi-hards who don't have any idea who Bella or Edward is? Well, here, let me help them. ;P In five sentences each, I will introduce you to Twilight. ;P


Twilight is a romance novel created by Stephenie Meyer who dreamt of a girl and a vampire in the meadow. It's main characters are Bella and Edward but for me it's really Alice and Jasper, cause I said so. It is a saga made up of four novels, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn, respectively. If you don't know anything about it yet then I am so sorry for you. Many fan girls will aspire to kill you.


Edward is a vampire,more than a hundred years old, who falls in love with a clumsy girl (see: Bella). He is strong and romantic and has really nice hair. He has a family, too, though they are all adopted. He likes Volvo and for him Bella smells really really good. Oh, and he sparkles.


Jacob Black is Bella's best friend and Edward's biggest rival. At first he has long hair but maybe because Edward looks gorgeous with his locks,Jacob decided that he would be gorgeous too if he cut his hair,so he did. He's a creepy stalker (he jumps into bedrooms quite easily) but not as creepy as Edward. He likes naps and he can't keep a secret. He runs around topless, all the freakin' time.


Bella Swan started all this Twilight craze because the novels were told from her point of view (Jacob shares his POV in Breaking Dawn). She's the clumsiest girl ever made and she likes making out A LOT. She's a bad liar but she still tells lies. She likes papercuts, and later on, she cuts herself with a sharp rock cause that's how she rolls. She mumbles and blinks a lot.


Alice is Edward's adoptive sister and Bella's best friend. She's always hyper like she just drank a liter of Coke or something, and she LOVES shopping. She can see the future based on the decisions made, but she can't see the future of the werewolves. She can pitch for baseball like crazy, and she likes walking on tree tops. Guilty of stealing a yellow Porsche.


Jasper Whitlock Hale is Alice's husband who used to be the youngest major in a Confederate Army in Texas. He has a sexy Southern drawl and a sexy voice. The production made him wear horrible wigs but he certainly pulled off the look, and proved to be the sexiest and most beautiful vampire ever (in my eyes,okay?). He growls at the smell of blood resulted by a silly papercut,and even when he growls he is sexy. He gets to ride a horse and kiss Alice Cullen, which is totally fine with me (okay, NOT.).


Rosalie Hale was described by Bella as the most beautiful face on Earth or something like that. She acts like a beeeyotch toward Bella most of the time because Bella is human who wants to be a vampire while she is a vampire who would give everything to be human because she wants to have a child. She pretends to be Jasper's twin sister in Forks. She's the wife of Emmett Cullen. Her favorite expression: my monkey man.


Emmett likes arm wrestlings and other things that let him prove that he is strong. He's goofy. He likes bears for food because a bear mauled him before Rosalie found him in the woods. He likes teasing Bella and Edward and the rest of the family. He and Rosalie destroyed a number of houses while having S (soup).

That's all because I'm tired. More to come (maybe) soon. I do not mean to offend anybody here,okay (sorry to the fans of Twilight who might get mad--I am a Twilighter too! This is purely for fun) Thanks.

Thursday, May 27, 2010


Hello schmello.

It's 9:40 PM and I'm wide awake. It's not good,really.

I promised myself I'd never stay up again,but boo,you know me. I often break promises. Maybe that's why I hate them.

Anyway,I'm feeling really sad right now. I don't even know why, I mean I was perfectly fine earlier, until I decided to write at around 6 PM.

What I was writing was a chapter of my fanfiction wherein Edward kisses Alice and Jasper sees them. Basically, it was told on Jasper's point of view, so I had to speak of his pain and anger. Here's a piece of advice that you really should take from me: if you are writing based on experience,you should be ready to feel the pain all over again once you recall whatever happened.

I injected my pain in Jasper's character. I breathed in him everything I felt when the same thing happened to me,and surprisingly enough,I ended up crying more tears than I would have expected.I knew at some point that it would somehow make me cry,but I never,for God's sake,I never expected to bawl my eyes out like it all just happened yesterday.Writing about it felt like scratching the scar and letting the wound bleed once again, cause honestly,back then,I had no one to talk to about the incident,so I was forced to keep it all inside-my pain,my story,the words I could have said,my frustration.I dealt with all of those by myself,and now, writing Jasper like he was I,it just felt like talking to an old pal about my burden.It's comfortable,and it made me cry hard because finally,there was a release.

One more thing, listening to mellow music was like putting salt to the wound,if you get me.Especially when it's Taylor Swift,God,that girl had it all. She sang exactly the words that would not escape my lips,and boy did that tear me up. all honesty,I didn't finish writing the chapter cause I'm a softy. Maybe tomorrow I would be able to handle it if I'm strong enough to face my own questions.I never thought a fanfiction could dig this deep into my soul that for a moment, it felt like I was writing an autobiography instead of a fiction.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Stay The Same : A Post For Women (A Little Feminist)

When I was young I used to sing this a lot.Of course, back then, I just liked the beat.Little did I know that this song would be like my daily mantra years later.

There are always those days when I'd wake up, check myself out in the mirror, then end up slouched on the couch because I'm not satisfied with what I saw.I've been blogging about this for as long as I could remember,but I just couldn't stop.

I just want all of us to realize that the fact alone that we were born girls, ladies, women is proof enough that we are all beautiful.

Some women undergo plastic surgery to change whatever it is that they do not like about them. I am not saying it is wrong, I mean, sure, go ahead if you have the money, right?What I'm saying is that it's not other peope's fault that you are unhappy about yourself. It is of your own doing. If you embrace and learn to love yourself,flaws and all,then you'll never be less than perfect.

I know what you're thinking: that these are just words and I'm some kind of a hypocrite for writing it this way,right? Yes, these are just words, and that is my whole point in the first place. These words are waiting for you to give power to them,to give meaning to their existence. Otherwise, they would all just remain words. Second, I am not a hypocrite,because I know I am not perfect. I don't have porcelain skin nor beautiful feet, and my hair doesn't always stay in place,but frankly,I couldn't care less.For as long as I know I'm taking good care of this physical body that God has given me,and I'm doing my best to look my best without scientifically altering anything,then I'm good to go.

Of course there would still be those typical times when I'd say,I wish I look like her, I wish I have this and that,but when those times come, instead of going off about the things that I wish were better or the things I don't have,I keep my focus on the things I have,the things I like about myself, and the things that make me,me.

After all,I would never cease to believe that there is someone in this world who's looking for exactly what and who I am right now,so I don't have to change anything for anyone to actually like me.Because physical beauty doesn't necessarily reflect a beautiful soul,but a beautiful soul shines through,and gives us this colorful aura that surrounds us and makes us glow and stand out from the crowd. ;)

Today, I'm Thankful For Everything

Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive,and go do it. Because what the worlds needs is people who have come alive.

-Howard Thurman

Today,I'm thankful for everything. Yes, everything. Family,friends,the people who care. I am thankful for all the good and bad, the smiles and tears, the introductions and goodbye. I am thankful for life in general.

Some of the people closest to me made me a blog. I would not cite the blog here, it's not something I would like to ponder on. I haven't read anything posted on it yet. I don't think I would,either. Not because I don't want to. Believe me, I love you all guys who took the time to send me your best regards and messages,but it's not something that I am comfortable with.

Someone told me about some of the things written there. From the sound of it,I think it's rather emotional and depressing at the same time,I don't think I can handle that.I mean yeah,I know I've done those things,but I guess those people who said that just made a big deal out of my actions. First of all, I am not as good as they made me seem,okay? I make mistakes all the time,honestly,I do.And those 'good' deeds I've done? I didn't do all those to gain respect or fandom, nor did I ever dream of any citation. I did all those to satisfy myself. The hunger that lies within me. If you know what I am talking about,then thanks. I did not want to be branded as some kind of a hero who saves the day.It's just that,I know what it feels like to be alone and helpless,and I'm doing what I can to prevent other people from suffering (as much as possible) because truth is,when I'm down,I want someone to do the same for me. And doing that for others--well,it feels really good.

Okay,enough of that. I'm now going to tell you why I am thankful for everything.

First, because I have an amazing bunch of family and friends who don't get tired of trying to get along with me,even when my mood is rough and tangled to shreds.I really am a lucky girl,you know. My family does everything they can to be able to meet my needs. My friends..well,not all of them are always there but I always have someone to lean on to when times get hard.

Sure,I often have troubles and sacrifices to make,but I don't have the right to complain,because after everything is said and done,it's still a fairly beautiful life I have.I have a home to return to when it starts raining.I have food on my plate. I go to school. I am blessed.

You know how everyone keeps complaining about why a certain person looks better than them or is smarter or richer? It's all in the mind. If you open your eyes every morning and start your day with a smile, face the reflection on the mirror and tell her that she is beautiful,then you are beautiful. We are all only as beautiful as we think we are,remember,if you yourself believe that you are not beautiful,then so will everyone.Sometimes,you have to assert yourself to be able to make people see who you really are. You have to stand in the middle and shout "this is me",and eventually,they will believe that that is really you,and you will gain what you deserve.

Love yourself. You are given everything to make use of it,don't waste your chance. You are a human being,just like everyone else in this world is.No matter what race,religion,complexion you are,no matter what language you speak,no matter who you hang out with,no matter what they say,no matter the circumstances. Even if you are sick,less abled,or financially unstable, even if you make strange choices. You are a child of the universe, and you belong here,together with all the others. You have the right to everything here, as much as all the people do. You are given something special,you just have to find it,then make the most of it, and you'll be good.

Fixing A Broken Heart


I fixed it,Andrea.I know this wouldn't work very well but what do I have to lose if I go ahead and wish I could make it all better? I fixed your heart and taped back all the pieces together.

We are all here for you ;) <3 Because you are always there for us when we need you,now that it's you whose heart is "crushed", we won't leave you like you didn't turn your back when it was us. Remember,there are thousands of people who love you. :) <3 Including me.

I hope you'll feel better soon. <3 <3 <3

Yas? Yes Please!

Who is Yas?

Let me tell you.

She's someone with whom I can be myself with. My soul can go naked with her. She seems to ask me to put on nothing,appreciating me for who I truly am.

When I am with her (MSN and Twitter, and Facebook ;)), I do not have to be on my guard.I can say what I think,as long as it is genuinely me.

She understands the contradictions in my nature which cause other people to misjudge me.With her, I breathe freely.I can profess my little vanities,envies,and absurdities-and in opening them up to her,they are vanished on to the white ocean of her loyalty.

She understands I can weep with her, laugh with her, pray with her. Through it all, she sees, knows, and loves me.

Hi Yas!! I'm sorry if I am bothering you with this post. I just thought I'd let you know,since maybe my last post that involved your name (Ghost Girl) was not too nice. :) So now you know.This is how I see you, Yas. Love you!!!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Guess I'd Rather Hurt Than feel Nothing At All

I missed my 12,000th tweet. :( I was planning to dedicate it to who else but Andrea and Caitie and Ashley? Yes, it's official. I am obsessed with them. I should have admitted it ages ago but I've only come to that realization now.

I don't know what's wrong with me. As the song above says, I am tied together with a smile.Whether I am coming undone or not,though,I have no idea. All I know is that I am fine (I think).

I really don't have that much to say. I think, I am on the road of acceptance, taking each blow as they come without any complaint. But I'm afraid I've lost my shine,if you know what I mean. I think I became more serious,more mature...Sometimes. Other than that, it's still me,being myself.

I will blog again when I've stepped on an inspiration. I'm tired now,kind of. Although I didn't do anything tiring all day. I just need to procrastinate.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Tangled Faith,Twisted Fate

I need a hug just about now. What I'm feeling now is what I am supposed to feel when someone says goodbye and I know for sure that they are not coming back, no matter what.

I should be asking questions. I should be asking why, just when we all think we have someone for good, they'd shut the door right behind them, and leave you crying in the middle of the night.

Pain is tricky. It used to make me feel like I'm the most unfortunate person on Earth. Now, I've got it all. So after crying it all out, I'm smiling again, trying to convince myself that tomorrow, I'll be fine, although I know a lot better than to believe my own lies.

Of course,it hurts. It's all so sudden that for a moment,I went on rubbing my eyes, pinching myself, convinced that it was all a bad dream, but I was awake. I was in reality, and how I detest reality.

Love is just a cycle. I've taught myself how to move on long before all of this even began,that's why I'm not at all bad now.It's okay, because I understand that maybe it was the right love at the wrong time,or maybe we were just trying too hard.I knew all along that this was too good to be true,much like you were to me.Someone like you exists only in my dreams, and maybe, I was asleep the whole time, and now I have to wake up.

Or maybe it was just me being tired of this redundant cycle of love. You know, happy,sad, happy,sad, hello, goodbye. It always boils down to goodbye, because people always make me choose between love or friendship. If you were smart enough,you would have known that I would never want to choose. You would have known that nothing tops family and friends,even if I have already fallen for you. If you were smart enough,you would have known better than to unclip my wings,because suffocation and possibility of pain always make me take the nearest exit out.

But I love you...Do you know that? Do you even care? I love you, and I will always do... But I am tired...Don't believe them when they say true love doesn't get tired. Even machines need to take breaks every once in a while,what more an ordinary human heart that bleeds everytime a wrong word is said?

I don't know what happens next. Maybe I'll have to paint on that smile and as per usual,make myself believe that there is nothing missing..

Truth Was Injected In The Cliche

When you love someone as much as I love Alice, it wouldn't matter if she's causing you pain. It wouldn't matter if you know you're waiting for nothing. When you really love someone, Edward, you'll wait. Even if it takes forever.
 -Jasper Whitlock in The Day You Said Goodnight (FF)
I've just finished writing this chapter for my fanfiction, and I initially thought I was making Jasper too sappy or too much like a loser, but then I realized the truth in his words (that I invented).

It may sound like a cliche, like it came out of a movie character's lips, but that's reality. If you really love someone, you'd be willing to wait for them, even if it means pushing your own happiness aside, you would, just so you could cater to the wishes of the person you love.

Waiting, I know, is not one of my talents. When God showered the world with patience, I was hiding under a roof, so nothing rubbed off on me. You could ask anyone about my patience, and their answer, I'm pretty sure, would be that it is non-existent.

This is why the very minute I finished typing that line, I confronted myself: if I was ever put in the same situation, would I have said the same thing? Truth is, I don't know. I don't know if I would be patient enough to wait for love with no assurance. I've always been impulsive, jumping and falling without knowing what's waiting down below has never been a problem to me. I am a risk taker, but when that risk involves possible emotional pain, I back out.

Funny how it seems, a strog girl like me who could endure endless (no, just kidding) physical pain would chicken out when it comes to love. I am well aware that love itself is a risk, but I have the tendency to be depressed for days just because of one flicker of emotional pain. Maybe that's why none of my past relationships worked. I like being committed and having someone there, but as soon as insecurity strikes, I quit.

I wish I could change myself, but as much as I want to, I wouldn't. Maybe this would sound selfish, but doesn't it feel great to have someone who loves you for exactly who you are?

For once, I have waited, and I was right.

There's someone in this world who's looking for me--for the girl that is me exactly. No conditions, no additions, no subtractions. Just the plain old little me. And that, I could say, is totally worth the wait.


I'm trying to be happy. Well, if I am honest, I am happy.

There are those moments in our lives when we could just smile to ourselves while looking back in the past, reminiscing all the troubles and heartaches we've been through, and then suddenly putting up all the pieces together, and finally we could tel ourselves, "ah, so that was how it was supposed to be."

You know that feeling when you've cracked all the passwords up and you've got all your cards together, that moment when the things you didn't understand in the past suddenly make sense? That moment, everything's complete. You've finally figured out why things went this or that way, because you're now living the best life you ever could.

I'm in that state now. Most of the torn fabrics of my past dwellings and battles have come together to build me a map so as to let me know where I am headed. It should be bliss, but I am scared.

See, unlike others who strive so hard to reach the top,be the best, all I ever aimed for was to just be me. I have never dreamed of being so rich,in fact, what I really want is a small cottage in the middle of a really large garden. Just that. I am never praying for a mansion or a palace. All I want is happiness. That's why I'm scared, cause I am happy.

Have you ever heard of that saying, that when you are up, there's no other way to go but down? I've always lived up to that phrase. Today, I'm feeling like it's the best day of my life and I hate it cause I'm scared that tomorrow will not be as good. I don't even know if someone gets my point,and frankly,I don't care,but I need someone to understand, because sometimes,knowing that you are not alone is a big deal.

But what can I do, except to accept this pure happiness that life is offering me? I mean, it's no return, no exchange anyway. Life works like that. Nothing beter will come out of it if I refuse to grab this moment.

So...Hey LIFE, I'm all good, and I'm siezing the moment. Thanks <3

Book: Ghost Girl

So, I've been reading this book to pass the time. It's called Ghost Girl by Tonya Hurley.

It's about a teenager, Charlotte Usher, who's always ignored in school. As far as I know she might as well be invisible,since nobody acknowledges her presence, and when she died (she choked on a gummy bear) it's like nobody even cared.

I don't know why, but this just reminds me of Yasmina. Don't get me wrong, okay? I don't understand why it seems to me like when Tonya wrote the book,she had Yas in her mind, mainly because what was written is exactly like what Yas is always thinking of herself: unnoticed, alone..Something like that. Charlotte Usher feels like that.All she ever wanted was to fit in,to stand out for a change.

I don't have much to say about the book. I'm not done reading it yet. But so far, it's good. It's just...unreal, cause she became a ghost and things like that, but it has so many things to say. Teens should really read it.

Friday, May 21, 2010

  • I was about to sleep,but being the obsessed fan that I am, I creeped into Andrea Kelley's Twitter first, only because I love her so much. Then, as I was browsing through her tweets, I saw her video which made me want to blog.
First of all, let me say thank you, Andrea, if ever you're reading this. These past few days, I have been feeling lonely and unloved, and it once came across my mind that maybe if I had been born pretty enough, taller, smarter... I thought maybe more people would love me.

You know what,though? I incidentally faced a medical crisis. I haven't been able to go on Twitter for days (do I have to get a life?), and when I went on it again, I saw that there are so many people who love me for who I am, not for what I can give or who I should be. And then I saw your video.

What I'm trying to say is that you are right.I don't know,but I want to ask, do you even know how much help you are giving to girls like me,just by saying those words? I bet you know that every single day, teens commit suicide and hurt theirselves because they think they are not good enough,but truth is, everyone is beautiful,we just have to tell ourselves that we are,and then it would show.

I didn't even know it was possible,until today,to love you more and more each passing day.You are so incredible,really.You give me reasons to believe that life truly is beautiful,just like you.In your video,you said I am the most beautiful person I would ever know.I beg to differ,but I think YOU are the most beautiful person ever,for making us all see that real beauty can never be seen with the eye.


Eyes that can see the very best in people.
Ears that listen to our problems and worries without judgment,with the intention of providing comfort and reassurance afterwards.

Lips that always speak the truth and can offer us an intellectually stimulating conversation whenever we need one.

Arms that can wrap her loved ones in a warm,big hug at the end of a really bad day.

Feet that can walk with all of us towards our dreams without forgetting her own.

A heart that's compassionate and caring,not only towards her family and friends,but towards other people (and even animals) as well.

That makes you the most beautiful person alive, Andrea. ;)

P.S.: I really love your hair. Did you style it, or was that naturally "just got up from bed" looking?

Anyway, this ends here. I absolutely definitely truly madly deeply love you. Not as gay as it sounds.

The world needs more Andrea Kelley. <3 <3

Sunday, May 16, 2010

It's The Things We Have To Bear That Shape Us

All I really want to do is to turn into the person they think I am.

Seann,the easy go lucky.
Seann,the life of the party.
Seann,the optimist.

Then again,if I become who they want me to be-what would happen to Seann,the real me?

I'm being caged again. I feel like I am stereotyped and expected to be stable all the time. You know,when you go on pretending to be fine all the time,you get so used to it that sometimes you even start to convince yourself.

I hate it.

I hate being put inside a box. I hate it that they expect me to be in a good mood all the time.

Have people forgotten that I too,am human? That as much as I don't want to, I need to sleep, eat, and clean myself up, just like them?

This feeling....the quiet sound of my heart breaking inside my chest,the numbness that follows shortly after,and then that creepy stinging sensation that occurs afterward-no one hears or feels them but me. I once again confronted myself: what's wrong with me? Why is it that people leave just when you need them the most?

"I'm okay." I'd usually lie. Deep inside,I'm hoping someone would say "I know you are not,and I am here for you," or just give me a hug without a word,instead of letting me get away with my little lie.Sometimes, it helps to know that someone cares enough to see past the barriers I build to separate myself from the world just because their hearts can't bear to even think of me,hurt, alone, crying.

Maybe I am supposed to live like this-a nomad. I'd like to think I have a decent bunch of friends who care whether I have eaten my breakfast or studied for my Math quiz the next day,but if I am completely honest, I don't think I do. But sure, there are some who do care,but they are to busy licking wounds of their own to accommodate me and the drama that never seems to get tired of following me around.Either that,or I've completely gone out of my mind and created these friends in my imagination with shadows.I don't know what's real anymore.

All I know is that when you truly care for someone,the moment they talk about something that's bothering them,you stop whatever it is you're doing to make sure they're okay.Maybe not even stop--just let them know that you're listening.Let them know that they have you.You might not know it,they're tongues might not be able to spell it out for you,but their souls-they're longing for someone.They're longing for you.

Put it this way-you go on ranting about how gloomy your life is and you know they can hear you but they do not even ask if you're okay,but instead,continued with whatever it is they're talking about as if you don't exist,how would you feel? Terrible. Trust me, I know. I know what it feels like to wander in my friends' own little world where I do not seem to belong or blend in,and day by day it gets clearer to me that I really don't,and I never will.When people created fairy tales of their own and you are not a character in their story,would you even try forcing yourself in it?

Doing what's good for someone else occasionally means doing something that is bad for you.That's what friendship means.That's what love means,too.In order for them to remain happy,I took a step back and watched them shine,even if my heart was breaking because for once,just for once,I wanted to be included in the picture.I wanted to see my name when the end credits rolled,but that was their moment,and if I brought my problems to share with them,I would have ruined the whole scene.

The problem is,I'm tired.I'm tired of saying I'm okay,because I am scared that with saying that lie too often, I would one day wake up and find that I too,am convinced with my pretenses.If that happens,I'd be losing myself,and all this time of clinging onto that teeniest bit of what was left of the real me would be wasted.

Although I've been feeling like this for as long as I could remember,I never did ask anyone why they unconsciously kicked me out.Why I didn't ask--I still do not know.One thing's for sure though,it had less to do with me not caring enough than with me not wanting to hear the answer.

We did not even say goodbye.I don't know where exactly I am at in their lives right now,and as much as I would love to pretend that everything's alright,I can't.Just because we do not use a name for something does not mean it isn't there.One big proof of this separation is the pain I am feeling right now.It never left me since last night.

I guess life rolls like this.Everytime I'm down,I tell myself that there are so many people in the world who go through worse day by day,but they manage to survive.It's either you let the waves toss you back to shore,or you swim against the current to be able to go where you have set your will upon.No matter how hard it is,I'm learning.I feel like I don't belong anywhere,but I'm learning. By being the third wheel, I'm learning. I'm learning a lot of things,and one of them is how the things that we have to bear,shape us,mold us into a better person we never thought we could be.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I Wish I Live Inside A Snowglobe

This post was written last April 28,2010 in my personal journal. I'm posting this here for future reading purposes,just that. I do not mean to offend anyone.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Under Your Wing , Take me Home To My Dreams

The stars are never far enough for us to reach.

I have always been a dreamer. Oftentimes,I would lie awake in my bed in the wee hours of the night,dreaming about the future I was born into. It makes me scared,but all at the same time,it makes me hopeful.

It's never a sin to dream. We could have our own heaven on Earth just by dreaming. And with a lonely broken heart,that's what I usually do.

 My dreams vary. Most of them are just blurred sequences of what my subconscious self is always wishing for. Sometimes, I dream of dancing with the dandelions. Sometimes, I dream of watching the sunset. Oftentimes, I dream of going to Europe and ending this pain.

They have always provided me with a nice and easy escape from the harsh reality. When I'm dreaming,there are no vast oceans and seas. Heaven and Earth are not miles apart, and people could sleep on clouds or play among the stars. In my dreams, there's a huge rainbow arched above my roof, and  as a bridge it serves,connecting the gap between our lands.

My heart...It has always been pretending to be numb. For so long, I kept on ignoring this pain I'm feeling inside. But now,it's a throbbing ache that renders me sleepless nights.

I force myself to close my eyes and drift off to oblivion,to that only place where I could meet  them.Temporarily, my heart would smile again. And the pain that sears through my whole body would be gone in a snap of a finger, for there they will be,standing in front of me. There we will be, sitting on a perfect shaped log, surrounded by the greenest grass, with wildflowers blown by the wind, together with our hair.   The sunset will paint the sky a marvelous pink, and it's beauty will reflect in a lake. Dancing,  the trees will be dancing, and we will hear the birds chirp.

....We will tell each other stories, and soon enough,our laughter will fill the air...

And I would wake up, certain with myself that if only I could have that dream,I would sleep for eternity.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Hanging By A Flimsy Thread

There's a purpose to this pain inside...

I've been listening a lot to this song lately. It has been my medication cause my girls are barely around anymore. I'm not blaming anyone,nor am I mad... Is it bad to miss them this much?

Life hasn't changed a lot these days. I've joined Youth Camp and my faith was strengthened but that doesn't imply that I  could now be labeled as a Saint,believe me,I'm not on that road.

I still make mistakes,I judge people easily like they judge me,maybe.What has changed is the way I look in life. I have known that there are more to a story than two sides. That when you love,naturally,you'll get hurt, and whatever comes, goes. That's the way life is,and I have no right to question God with whatever is happening in my life. Sure,He lets these things happen, but in the end,whose decisions are these,anyway ? Mine. So I am the one to blame,cause I was made with free will and clear understanding.

 I have made new friends again. But no one could ever compare to them,to what the three of us have. It's easy to say I'm waving goodbye,but believe me,it's easier said and done. No matter how hard I try,I could never leave them cause they have been a part of my puzzle. Without them,I wouldn't feel complete.Ever.

I once said that I was feeling lost again. The good thing about losing things is that you have a chance to look for them,and find them,eventually if you try hard enough. That's what I did. I found yet again that vital piece of myself that I keep on losing,dropping to the muddy battle grounds. All I could say is that I never gave up. I always try to say  farewell,but at the and of I day,they'd see my silhouette, saying hello,like nothing ever happened.

That's what we are. Nothing can ever come in between the three of us. We have only known each other for three months,more or less,but it feels like a lifetime. All my life, I have been looking for them,I just didn't know it until they were standing in front of me. Now that I have them and everything is right, I'm never walking away.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Maybe We're Trying Too Hard.

Have I mentioned how strange it is that one single moment can make a whole lifetime change course forever?

When you feel like there's no more hope left for you....How would you even fight? When you feel like you can't stand up anymore?

Life has its annoying way of turning everything upside down. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse,it would. But trust me when I say this...Every drop of rain is worth the beam of sunlight that will shine through your windows the next day.

It's funny how from the simplest of things,we find the most valuable ones.It feels rather strange that three months ago,I thought I was complete. I thought I had all the friends I could live with,and the people I couldn't live without. But fate has its plans, and I met people who are now the most precious ones for me.

They say for each time you are happy,you'd have to be ready for the sadness that would come next.I believe in this,and as for now,I am in a raging storm.

I've lost a vital part of myself. I've lost the person that I am only when I'm talking to them. Now I'm gone,and I don't know how to catch up,cause I feel so left out.

One thing's for sure: I miss them so much.It's like doing things with only one hand when I'm without them.I feel incomplete and uncomfortable, and I feel so helpless.

We've gone through a lot,but this one's killing me. Still, I try so hard to hide the pain,cause it's enough for me to see them happy,even without me.What benefit would it give me if they were to see my pain,right?I'll only make it hard for them...and that's what I am avoiding to happen.

It touches my heart when I see that they're still talking about me,writing about me.After all,it just means that they don't forget me totally. Somehow, just one simple sign of affection melts down all my defenses.I guess I was made this way: human, fragile,with emotions.

For so long,we have been fighting for what we have. Sometimes I could not help but ask if it is worth it. Maybe it is. maybe we're trying to hard to fix what was broken, but you know what? I'd rather bleed in trying,than just do nothing,but inside,feel like dying.

Holding On To His Words...

I attended a Youth Camp this May 3rd-6th, held in Holy Joy Church, Carranglan, Nueva Ecija.

If I am honest, I would say,at first I was so eager to get out of that camp,because it was so boring. The moment I saw the schedule,I asked myself, "What have I gotten myself into?".

Unlike any other camp,it was rather strange,initially. They shouted their prayers and everybody started getting hysterical when they speak in tongue. I will admit it: I was scared. All I could ever think of was how time dragged slowly by,as I watched the clock's hand tick away. I was lonely.

If you would read my journal entries earlier on the camp,all I wrote about was how I wanted to be home right at that moment. And then we started having Group Bible Studies or GBS sessions. That was how it all started.

You see,I am not an atheist,but I was never a firm believer.All I knew was that God loves me,and I always thought that was enough for my soul to be saved. But through our GBS sessions and with the help of my GBS Leader and Subleader [Rea and Joseph], I have learned that it was not enough.It was never enough that I knew that He loves me.

Oftentimes at night,I would lie awake on my bed and feel empty. I would cry without reason, and even though people envy me for leading an almost perfect life,i have always known that something was missing. I never thought I would find that missing piece in this Youth Camp.

I have learned that to be saved, I must believe in God's every word,and never doubt Him, because only He knows what's true and what's righteous.I used to be a senorita. I used to be bossy and moody. I used to commit mistakes carelessly,knowing that if I ask for His forgiveness,He would forgive me. CBA Youth Camp helped me understand that He is hurting too,everytime I betray Him.Of course I already knew that,but frankly,I didn't care.Now,I do.

CBA Youth Camp taught me that nothing is impossible with Him. Before,I would mumble to Him what I was asking for,and then let the demons whisper in my mind that He would never hear me.Earlier this day,I was cynical. Miss Anna wanted to help us receive the Holy Spirit and the gift of speaking in tongue,but I never believed I would actually receive them.

We started to pray,and again,I mumbled Filipino words silently.because I did not want anyone to hear me. I thought it was embarrassing, but Miss Anna came behind me and said, "You already received it." I looked at her and she asked, "Do you believe?"

I said yes,and started speaking in tongue.

Tears spilled from my eyes as I continued praying,using strange sounds no one understood but my spirit.Even I did not know what I was saying,what I was praying for.Suddenly, I believed. It was my spirit---the Holy Spirit that dwells upon me,and God---who were talking at that moment.

Now I'm back home,and I could not believe how my life was altered in 4 days.I could not believe that I actually miss being in the camp--the people roaming around,the Koreans having fun in the river, the times Pastor or Kuya Yoyoy would come knocking on our door,asking us to hurry up for the Worship Services,and falling in line for food,taking a bath, washing the dishes and brushing our teeth. It was so much fun and I feel light and happy. It was one refreshing experience.

As we said our goodbye to out new friends, we shook hands and they said "it was nice meeting you", I answered with "see you next year", for surely.I'd be more than happy to join again next year.

In my journal,for so many times,I wrote "All I want to be is home". Now I realized...Wherever I am,as long as I'm with God, I'm home.