Thursday, October 28, 2010
I started the day feeling really good. I had a wonderful evening and a nice and funny dream that I actually remembered when I woke up,only to have everything ruined by my aunt.
Don't get me wrong. I love both my aunts.They spoil me,they give me mostly everything I want,but they can be really mean at times. Like today.
I cleaned my bedroom at home and my grandma helped me,together with my sister. We carried everything out to have them sorted,and I decided that I wanted to move the bed frame out permamnently and just sleep on my matress on the floor.As a compromise,my grandma insisted that I use an extra matress,so that I'd be more comfortable.I agreed just to get it all over with. I then arranged my things and furniture inside the room,and now I'm so amn tired and my muscles are sore.
My aunt peeked in on me while I was arranging my books. She saw the two matresses on the floor and demanded that I give the soft one back,and said that she was just gonna use it for herself. Avoiding an argument,I pulled the mattress away while she went on with her business. When I was carryng the matress,which was not very light,by the way,on my way out of my bedroom,she stopped me and said I could keep it. In my very calm and collected voice, I told her that she was annoying, dumped the fucking mattress on the living room floor, and went back inside my room. I never talked to her again.
You see,I didn't mean to be disrespectful. I wanted to avoid an argument,for God's sake,that's why I pulled the mattress away from my room as soon as she instructed me too,even if that meant I had to rearrange all my stuff because they were all on the way of that mattress. My point is,I don't know if she was taking pleasure in getting me annoyed,or if she was just being plain selfish. It's not like I stole the thing anyway! It was my grandma who insisted on it!
I know,I know.I'm making such a big fuss out of it but I'm just really pissed right now.She does that to me all the time but when they're the ones who touch and take my things,they think it's no big fucking deal. I just had to write it all down here. I think it's better than taking it all out on her.
Today has been really good. Really,really good. I went to the movies and saw Till My Heartaches end,which,by the way,I was supposed to see with my sister but she went to school,so meh. I also went grocery shopping and I LOVED it.Believe me,I'm the only one I know who loves buying groceries.
I've never felt prettier than I did (and still do0 today. I don't even know exactly why,I just feel so happy,so contented. I'm in my room now,I've just finished watching Message In A Bottle.It made me cry buckets of tears! It's such a good movie,I almost made it my favorite Nicholas Sparks work,but I think nothing can replace Dear John...yet.
Anyways,so I haven't been blogging lately,eh? I'm not so busy anymore,I admit.I'm just too lazy.HA.I only open my RP Twitter account.I don't even go on Facebook that much anymore.
I'm at some point in my life wherein I don't really know what I want to do or happen. I still remember C,and I always will,but I've moved on.I'm not the suicidal-take-me-with-you kind of girl anymore. I've let go of the thin string that tied him to me so that he'll be at peace,now.
Honestly,though. It's almost Christmas and I can't help but feel so alone at times. I mean sure,I have my family and friends...But I love sharing Christmas with someone special. I want to have a reason to wake up at 3 AM for nine days to complete the midnight mass so I could have my wish.I want to be happy again.I can't wait to fall in love.
I have a little crush on someone now but I don't know if he likes me back.That's quite impossible,I think.Haha. Who am I to even be worthy of five minutes of his time? Tsk tsk. Whataver though. I'm still pretty. Haha!
I've just heard that my *former* best friend and her boyfriend broke up. It doesn't really surprise me,I mean how many times did this happen?One too many. I know I shouldn't even be talking about it anymore,but you see, M, two people might be speaking to each other,but that doesn't necessarily mean that they're having a talk. One might be hearing what the other says,but that doesn't necessarily mean she's listening. Think about it and you'll see where things always go wrong. I just care a lot for the both of you,that's why I'm still hanging on even if you're trying so damn hard to cut me off.
Anyway,enough of that. I'm gonna be bold and honest here and say I miss K. It's just not the same without him,you know?
I only have five days left till school begins again.I'm not even enrolled yet.I just want to get it all over with! I'm so tired of studying and I can't wait to grow old and see how my life unfolds. It's a bit scary,but it all comes soon enough.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Errr, I got this title from Ching's Tumblr post. I woke up yesterday feeling very miserable for reasons unknown. I usually have days like that when I just want to be alone,think about my future,my mistakes,the things that worry and bother me.
I don't know exactly what hurts.All I know is I keep trying and trying to forget about the past. But is it really that easy? Is it really that easy to forget about something and want to go back to it at the same time? I think I'm crazy.
Anyway,I'm happy cause Yasmina seems happy nowadays. That's all I could ask for-I just want the people I love and care about to keep smiling like everything is perfect when in fact,nothing is.They say life is too short to dwell on your grievances,but no one can really help it,you know? I like being like this. I like feeling the pain. It makes me believe that something is real,and that's e=very important to me right now cause honestly,I feel like everything is a lie.
I feel like I'm a big talking ball of lies,and I wish I could explain why,but there'd be no words for me to use. I'm just tired and I want to hear nothing but the awful,ugly, breath-taking-in-a-bad-way truth.
I've been taking three hour bus rides to Pampanga these past few days just for the heck of it,and no one knows. That makes me waste six hours of precious time, and like a fool, I keep hoping that maybe a minute in that long stretch of time might bring your smile back to my memory,where it slowly starts to fade. It's hard. I miss you.
I keep listening to those sad songs to force the tears out of my eyes,because they are cold and unmoving,and my heart is frozen. I just want to run away,far,far away from here. I feel so miserable and happy at the same time. I want to be here,and I want to be anywhere but here,too.
I wish he was here to save me from myself.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I'm not supposed to be acting this weird. I just went home,kicked my shoes off, collapsed on the couch and slept with my school uniform on. I feel so blank. I want to be someone else, somewhere else.
I saw a girl walking home,towing her huge school bag behind. Scattered paths of sunlight blinded me for a while, and then it hit me.I don't know what I'm living for right now. It feels like the past few weeks are just a blur,like I'm some kind of a stray leaf being blown away by the wind. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere new.
I need an escape and I don't even know what I'm running away from. I just feel so completely lonely. I feel like I'm missing out on the world. I want to be able to skip away and giggle and just be pure again. I want to have my bright eyes back,the eyes of a child that only saw wonders and beauty. Right now, pain is all around me. When I was little, I saw the stormy days as break days from school, not a threat for my fellows' lives. I wish I could be that innocent again. I wish I could...just...fly. Away from this horrible world.
I walked the concrete pavement,listening to the sound of my heels kissing its muddy surface, listening to the vehicles roaming about,listening to my neighbors gossip about the latest who's who, listening to the buzzing of the bees,the swaying of the trees.All of them were doing something.What was I doing?What am I doing?Why am I still here?
My mind is ridiculously messed up right now but I'm trying to erase it all with a smile.Why can't people see how hard you're trying to be good enough for them? It's all beyond my understanding. I just want to take each person who feels as terrible as I do now and pull them in for a hug. I miss everything. I miss my friends. I miss the sound of our laughter and the way we would sing a song on the bus for hours on end. I just want to feel like I'm not as useless as I think I am...
Friday, October 8, 2010
Sara: You don't have to understand. You just have to have faith.
Jonathan: Faith in what?
I'm in that incredible mood tonight wherein all I want to do is stay in bed and watch some sappy old movies for the umpteenth time,and cry. Cry for the tragedies, cry for the happy endings. I'm that type of girl.
I've been busy dealing with life these past few days,and even I myself can't say exactly how I truly feel. I'm confused. It's October, today is Ham's birthday, and I just sent her a greeting through text. I was meaning to ask her to maybe have lunch with me or something, but she was busy with exams.
On my way home I bumped to Shiela,one of my high school classmates. In the old times, maybe a year or two ago,we would be chatting endlessly and it would be hard to bid farewell. This afternoon, we barely spoke to each other. It still surprises me sometimes when things change so abruptly. I guess I'll never be ready for change.
Anyway, I'm not feeling very well so I plan to stay home and make myself some nice tasting soup, anything to warm my rambling stomach, and just lay in bed watching old movies. I pretty much deserve that-a break. My throat is itchy,my nose is runny, and I can't even breathe properly. What a nice state to be in on a Friday night.
I don't like the heat at all. It's October,for God's sake. My skin is aching for the cool Christmas breeze.Sure,there's the Christmas breeze but it's not cool at all. It's very warm. The air,however,smells of dried rice stalks. It's making me nostalgic at times. How I miss running through the fields or just hanging out with my uncles there. One day, it will happen again.
I'm not really excited for anything right now. I'm in that time in my life when I just want to find love in a certain form. I feel so lonely. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep it all of, in the hopes that one day I'll wake up to my fairy tale. But life doesn't work that way,so I'll just wait and enjoy my alone time. Everyone's life sucks...it just depends on how a person deals with it.
Nowadays,I see a lot of people moaning about how their lives are so hard to live,how they just want to end it all. I was like that a few months ago. Now,I realize how selfish it sounds. Why do people like hurting so much? Why do we keep complaining about the things we don't have,when we have something and others don't even have anything? Why,just like I'm doing now, do we point out how some people are so dramatic,how we don't like drama,when clearly,we all are drama queens and kings somehow? You know... I just learned to shield myself away from all the horrible things in this world. If I can't heal it,no way in hell will I let myself be infected. That will be the last help I can offer.
Nothing can hurt me unless I permit it.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
I don't know if one can cry illegitimately,but let me say it now: I'm legitimately crying.
I spent this morning worrying about Mainia. I was tweeting with her and she was like giving me the cold shoulder so I was sat here wondering what I did wrong,thinking back on the previous days and nights. I couldn't remember anything I've said that might have offended her so I decided to just ask her straight out if she was mad.
She was not,she said. She was just annoyed at me because it seemed to her like I have changed,and that we were losing each other.
My tears fell faster than bullets as soon as I read that,and I must admit it here that I have changed. In my RP account I became careless and carefree, but I never told anyone why.
The truth is,I was so busy being there for my friends and no one even bothered asking if I was okay. I was not. I still am not. And if anyone dared ask, I said I was fine and they believed me. Sometimes I just want to feel as loved as I make others feel.
Right now,I feel so alone. I'm losing everything I have,they're all slipping right out of my hold and I don't like it. I can't take it anymore. My heart feels like it's going to explode any minute now because of all the pain and the worries I have been keeping inside. When I help someone pick up the pieces of their broken hearts at night,I wonder if they even realize that I am crying at that momet because I have to deal with my own pain too,together with theirs,alone. I wonder if they even care.
I'm hurting so much.I have been hurting for the past two weeks and no one knows because I decided to grow up for once and stop bothering people with my drama. I may have seemed distant but I was not. I never was. I was just trying to figure out how I would make it through another day without breaking down in front of anyone. I was thinking of a way to be there for everyone without forgetting myself. I was trying to stick to my promise that was to just make one stranger smile every day so that I could feel better about myself. I was busy trying to give myself a reason to believe that I was worth this life I am living right now.
In my RP account,I go on flirting and stuff with the other RPers,and truth be told,they make me laugh and smile. I figured it was a nice world there.A world full of pretenses.A world where I can do whatever i fancy,say what's on my mind and not get judged for my actions. It is a free world, and I enjoyed its perks for a while.
But now,seeing that it might cost me my best friend's companionship, I think I will stop. it's not worth it,you know? It doesn't make her happy and I don't know if it will make me happy knowing someone's unhappy. Some people might hate me,but I think I have to quit. Time to go back to the real world.
Oh,reality. How I despise you sometimes.