Saturday, March 31, 2012

There comes a time in life when you just let go of everything that weighs you down...

...And you finally feel your feet getting lifted off the ground.

People always say don't mind the haters and that you can't please everybody, but I know for a fact how difficult that can be. To just decide to be the bigger person and turn the other cheek and go, especially when you've been expecting so much more from the other person involved.

I've had my fair share of small, and some bigger ridicules. We can't avoid this because 1.- As cliche as it may sound, nobody's perfect, and 2.- Even if a perfect person exists, there's always that one jealous human being that will try and step on her just because. So basically, the moment you are conceived, you have signed up on a contract that says the world would surely try to fuck you up and bury you alive - it's up to you to stand your ground or claw your way out.

You wouldn't believe how low I've been feeling today. Sometimes, some people I love just don't get it. They don't understand that words can hurt more than physical blows do. They'll call me names and make fun of me and laugh, and I laugh with them as if I find the joke funny, but deep inside, I'm bleeding raw, especially when it's the same "joke" over and over again. It gets old and tiring. So I'm pretty much in a position to say I know how it feels to be bullied. I face it everyday with the people I think so highly of.

There's this little girl, she's my neighbor's daughter but grew up in my family's care. Yesterday, I brought her swimming with us. She's on the heavy side cause she likes to eat, so they started calling her fat, a pig, and God forbid, a whale. I kept telling them to stop, because it hurts me more than anyone could ever see. I love that girl and I wasn't just going to sit there and watch them tear her apart. But they didn't listen cause they thought they were being funny. People just don't realize the effects of bullying especially on kids. This girl, she refused to eat the whole day yesterday. And until now, writing about it, I can't help but feel the now familiar streak of hate that I feel for them. It took all of me not to lose myself and blurt out all their imperfections one by one.

I guess it's human nature. We don't ever realize how badly our actions affect someone until we see any physical evidence. Sometimes, I feel like they'd be happier with me dead, but I refuse to give them that satisfaction. The scary part, though, is that sometimes, I do feel like maybe I'll be better off dead. Imagine a place where you could just be yourself and not be judged for it. Imagine being able to make mistakes and not having people holding a grudge against you because of them. Sometimes, I plan my own funeral in my head just so I could picture all their guilty faces and read all their curious thoughts, wondering if they were one of the reasons why.

But I know that life doesn't work that way. It happens to me a lot of times, but it isn't always dark and gloomy. There are good times, too, and although they may be outnumbered by the bad, I just try to visualize myself being successful in the future, and just thinking about them finally looking at me as a person instead of a laughing matter is enough to get me by. It still hurts me, of course, but I've come to accept the fact that no matter what I do, I can't hold in my palm other people's words and actions and I can't bend them to my will, but I can turn the negative thoughts into something brighter, just enough to get me through one day.

A teacher once told me that I had excellent goals in life, but I didn't have to feel like I need to reach those goals to prove something to anyone, and now I realize how right she was. This is my life, and I'll live it the way I want to. I'll comb my hair when I feel like it, and I'd rather be fat than starve myself thin. Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind, they don't matter. It's as simple as that.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Here's to us.

Once again, today, the universe has found a way to show me how important every second is. I'm so thankful to be alive, to have a roof above my head and clean air to breathe. I'm so thankful.

To all my friends, I just want each and every one of you to know that your presence is valued and your absence never goes unnoticed. Each one of you has contributed something that became a part of me, so whether we've said goodbye or not, whether we're still friends or almost strangers, never forget that a part of me is carrying some other part of you. We are atoms that make up a matter, something indestructible. Something even death can't touch.

Because of this, I'm telling you now, yes, you, the one who reads this, that you have no right to ever feel alone for as long as I'm here. Maybe I don't know you yet, but a lot of good things can begin with a simple hello. I would like to be your friend. I would like to listen to you, to talk to you if you want me to. I would like to help you, please, whatever you're going through. Let me help you. Give me a chance to get to know you.

I feel like my heart is going to burst with so much love today. Usually, we let things pass and go unnoticed, but I'm not letting that happen today. I'm telling you, yes, you, the one who's reading this right now, that I love you. I love you, and I always will. It matters not if I know you or not. It matters not your religion, your skin color, your sexual orientation, your financial and social status. Those are just numbers, and I never really liked Math very much. I love you. Tell me your name and I'll love you more.

Please, people. If you need anything that I am capable of giving, please don't hesitate to ask. Nothing makes me feel better than helping a friend in need. I want to know all about you and I won't judge you for the choices you make, cause I make mistakes too. I just want you not to feel alone, to stay with us here.

Because the world is such a beautiful place with you in it.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness.

I guess I'm just another sentimental fool, you know, letting small things bring me down, when they don't even weigh anything.

I keep saying I don't like feeling like this but in fact, I keep coming back for more. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I like being sad and lonely and I don't think that's a bad thing. 

I don't really know what to say anymore. There are just no words to describe how I feel. It would sound crazy if I said I'm happy that I'm lonely, wouldn't it?

Sometimes I wish I could just sit on my window and sing Moon River.

I don't even have a window.

Moon River

Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.
© 1961 Paramount Music Corporation