Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The course of true love doesn't ever run smoothly.It's like a roller coaster ride;it gives you the thrill,it makes you scared,but when it's over,you'll find yourself rooting for more.
What we had is even harder to forget.More than a roller coaster ride,it was...something.There's no name for it.There had never been us,but it was definitely something.
But time has its way of ruining even the most intricate and detailed love stories.Even Romeo and Juliet didn't have a happy ending.Who are we to wish for one?
Being with you was as easy as breathing.It was comfortable.It was like a lazy and rainy Sunday afternoon,curling up with a good book,and I couldn't think of any place I'd rather be than there.It was bliss.But it was never meant to be.
You know what I loved about us?The way we knew each other so well.Do you remember that day when I started walking away from you,and you tried so hard to stay mad but still ended up running after me?The things like that are what I miss the most.You made me feel loved and important.I don't know now how I could start from scratch...It's harder than starting over with nothing at all.
We were inseparable.Pencil and eraser,pedal and wheels,that was what they used to say.We'd never function very well without each other.I still have no idea why or how we've drifted apart.Maybe it was me,or maybe it was you.But I am pretty sure it was us.It was the lack of effort to make it work.We both were aware of our feelings...but we kept denying them.
Now,where are we?Here I am,pretending to be happy without you,while there you are,painting the town red,acting as if you're not affected.
There's just one thing that I've learned.Loving someone isn't always about fairytales and fantasies. It's about truth, and realities...And there's one question I've been meaning to ask...
We were almost there...What happened to us?
Sometimes,no matter how much faith we have,we lose people.But you never forget them.And sometimes,it's those memories that give us the faith to go on.
Saying goodbye has never been one of my favorite things.I hate it.I hate it with passion,just as much as nearly all people do.Why do I have to meet people,if in the end they'd all be gone too soon?
Some will enlighten me by saying,maybe their purpose in my life was over.Maybe they've done their parts.What if their purpose was to make me happy?And their leaving would cut me to pieces?Isn't that a little ironic,cause instead of fulfilling their purpose to make me happy,they're causing my sadness and pain?
They say that goodbye is only truly painful if you know you're never going to say hello again.That's the whole point of the word.We're never going to say hello again,cause if we are,we should have instead used farewell.
I want to understand why people were born,raised to be somebody,make people love them,and then eventually,die.Why do we have to say goodbye when everything will never be the same if we do?
I've always been positive about these things.I used to just cut the strings and shrug,but this is different.I've found a place for myself.I am happy in that place but I felt the need to go.I don't know now how much longer I can live.
It's the fear of letting go.It's the fear of waking up each morning,feeling alone.It's the fear of meaning nothing to them.It's knowing I've cried a million and five times,and yet they have never felt a bit of my pain.It's not fair.It's not fair...
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
It hurts too smile when your heart is filled with pain.Even if they don't see you fake it,it hurts just the same.But try as I might,I could never make someone love me.So I'd hug them goodbye like it's nothing,when all I really want to do is hold on forever.But I'd let go,I'd smile and walk away,then cry on the way home.Because I know it would never be the same.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I think I'm better off without you here.I bet you're sweet and hard to get over.So I'll cry,and people will stop and stare.Now,that's okay.Let them stop and stare because I'm fragile,and I'm hopeless,and I'm not perfect,but I'm free.
I think it might have gone a little too deep.The feeling sank in,tossed nearer by the current.I think I'm drowning and I'm running out of breath,but I can't just wake up and run away from death,for I am consumed.I am doomed.I am drowning in love for you,and I don't know how to swim.But you wouldn't save me...
I think I might be worth it...I think we should try.But how could we,if every time we do,it all boils down to goodbye?I think I want to hold your hand,and hold it all my life.I think wishful thinking makes me bleed,it cuts me like a knife.But I know I can endure the pain if it means that you'll be there.I don't want to miss my chance on this life that we could share.
I think I should just let you go if I am to be happy.But happiness means nothing if you're not here with me.Call me foolish,a hopeless romantic,but that's my only wish.I feel like thin air bubbles,floating in your breeze.I know now this love is something I can't deny.So in your arms,please hold me tight,and promise me we'll try.
And I can't understand why my heart is so broken,rejecting your love...
What beauty is there to life that I fail to see?I've seen love bloom and whither.I've seen a simple 'hello' turn into the strongest friendship,battling with time.I've heard a nightingale's lullaby,and I've always loved the falling rain.I thought I've seen it all.I thought it was all enough to make up for my dull and lonely life...
My toes curled as I stumbled to walk on the hot sand to that single palm tree at the end of the shore. Perfect,it was like me.Alone,lonely.I hurried up and sat leaning on its trunk,facing the glittering waters.It was about time I let it all out.
I cradled my tattered journal in my lap,then fished out for my pen in my pocket.Times like this were beautiful.It was just me,the sound of the rolling waves racing to the shore,the warm sand,the feel of the cool breeze breathing against my skin,and the summer sunset that started painting the skies in beautiful shades of orange and yellow.I was not alone.
Smile,I reminded myself as the sun started going down.The water surface was like a thousand diamonds,they glimmered as the sunlight kissed them.There it was,against the clouds.Bright,warm,beautifully painted in the skies,a masterpiece.A priceless item of art.The most important beauty in my life.The sunset...
I leaned in closer to the tree as I watched it retreat slowly.Opening my journal,I started scribbling down.I wrote of hatred,inequality,and hopelessness.I wrote of all the negativity I was feeling,and it felt like I was crying my heart out,though no tears came.I wrote of broken promises and unfulfilled dreams.The world went on around me as I jotted it all down.Hummingbirds were weaving beautiful music with their tongues,and I wrote about them.I wrote about wanting to fly,and then I wrote about my clipped wings...
I looked up to see it coming to an end.Dusk--another ending.It was like another goodbye I did not want to say.It was like a last hug I did not want to give,cause I hate endings.I hate starting anew.I hate goodbyes.I hate walking around the bend just to find out that it was a dead end.
Despite it all,I smiled.I bathed in sunlight,closing my eyes,looking up.I'm handing it all to the heavens.My burden,my sad thoughts...The sunset casted silhouettes of a girl and a tree,and in shadows,one can never tell them apart.I breathed in the dry and fresh April afternoon air,letting the tears fall.Raising my hands,holding my pen...Suddenly,I did not need it anymore.
So sadly,painfully,and almost too reluctantly,I kissed my pen goodbye.And together with the last golden beam of sunlight,I broke it in halves...And I felt compelled to cry.
I flipped through my journal to see the last entry I have made,to know if it was worth all the pain.
"And I will live under the cover of summer's kiss upon the sky.Like the storm face of your love just before you said goodbye.I was thinking that the seasons could be held between my arms,but just as summer's hold is fleeting,I was here.And now,I'm gone.I'm gone..."
Friday, March 26, 2010
I actually had fun today.On my way home,I saw the sunset while on a bridge,over a very serene image of a river and its delta. I was very inspired.Words were pouring out of my mind as I stared at the sky.They even rearranged themselves into phrases and sentences beautifully.Too bad,I didn't have a pen with me.
In easy words,I was still inspired when I got home.The big toothy grin was not erased form my face even while I was eating.I actually practically just swallowed just so I could pretend to go to bed already and blog in reality,and I never failed.
I've typed maybe two sentences when I noticed my internet connection starting to get bitchy.I didn't mind it though,as I was writing a really good story/snippet.I was aware that what i was typing was not being saved,I had no internet connection but still,I continued.My fingers raced with each other,typing words I now can't remember.I managed to write the whole story in about half an hour,and I was satisfied with the way it turned out.
So why is my name PISSED?
Here you go:
I said I was aware that I had no internet connection,right?Right.So I minimized Firefox for a while and decided to watch a movie called Windstuck.Good movie,I suggest you guys watch it!So yeah.I was so engrossed with the movie but I still checked on my internet browser to see if I could publish already,but I still couldn't,so I just shrugged and minimized my browser again to go back to the movie.To my utter surprise,though,Firefox warned me that I was about to close multiple tabs,asking me if I wanted to save them.I clicked "QUIT",and then Blogspot asked me if I really wanted to navigate away from the page,reminding me that I had an unsaved draft.Guess what I clicked? Yes. Firefox closed immediately,and it was only then did I realize the stupid mistake I have done.I literally died and lived again.Darn...
So that's why instead of "Flimsy Ribbons of Fate" Chapter 1,you are now reading my rant.I've worked hard for that,and my stupidity has just taken its toll on me. -_- Maybe I'll write another one soon.I just need to get back that great amount of inspiration through a view of the sunset.
....And maybe,a bottle of Coke.
....And a day staring at Ashley Greene's picture.
....And Jackson Rathbone.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Thank you for sending me this message on Facebook. Sometimes, I really feel like giving up on this blog,or on writing in general,but every time I feel like breaking the pen,I'd just open my inbox and read your message,and it will all be well again.Thank you so much and I hope you know this means the world to me.I only write when I feel like it,and oftentimes I write about senseless things,but you see the beauty in them,and that just proves how beautiful you are,too.Your message will never fail to remind me that someone's reading what I am writing,and I will always be inspired. Thank you so much. :)
You are a talented girl. Thank you so much for this YouTube comment you posted on my video. I can still remember that day clearly. It was a very bad day,and I felt so useless,but the moment I read that comment I instantly smiled cause my work was appreciated. You don't have any idea how much better you made me feel that day, and until now,it never fails to make me smile whenever I think about it. Thank you so much. I know you also have many dreams to achieve, just set your mind to it and I'm sure you will succeed. :)
Leslieeeee! My girl! Thank you so much for showing love and concern whenever I need them...You're one of the most beautiful girls I've ever come across. You made me so happy when you wrote my name on your palm...I felt so important. It's always nice talking to you.Thank you for being so sweet Leslie.Thank you for being supportive and always being there for me when I need someone to talk to.When you're feeling sad, just smile. Smile,close your eyes,and think of me.I will be riding the Magic Carpet to get to you. I love you, you know that!My day is not complete without you.:)
I've always said you are one of the most beautiful people to ever set foot on Earth,and
Don't even get me started. I love you with all my heart and soul and body organs. You've inspired me in so many ways to stay true and keep it real. I couldn't be more thankful for that.And that day you started following my tweets will always be one of the happiest days of my entire existence.Thank you for being so appreciative and kind hearted. I never really expected you to be so humble and real,and yet you are. Thank you so much and I really really love you. All of you deserve all the happiness you can get in life.
Hey crotch girl! Thank you so much for being one of the best sisters in the whole wide world. You mean the world to me, I know you know that. I just want to tell you over and over again how much I love you. I could never thank God enough for bringing you into my life. You are one of the sweetest girls alive and I really don't know how I would live without you.You've been there with me through ups and downs,tears and laughter...Nobody has the right to ever make you cry Louise. You will always be my little sister and I will always be protective of you, so forgive me for sounding like a Mom sometimes. I love you so much and please don't forget I'm just always here!
VICTORIA JAYNE TELLING
Vicky,I wish I could be there for you when you need me.I've known you to be the happy-go-lucky girl but I know how you're hurting last night and it really pained me that I couldn't do anything...Please don't ever think lowly of yourself. Everytime you're feeling down, just think of us. We're here for you always,no matter what time of the day. You know where to find me. Thank you for being understanding and mature when needed, and for making us happy all the time. You are priceless, Vicky, and I am so lucky to have you as a sister and I want you to always remember how I love you. So much. With all my heart.
We all have our freedom of expression, but we definitely shouldn't abuse the privilege. Because first,words may just be words,but sometimes they can hurt like hell, and second,we have all the right to express our own opinions,but none to bash others'.
I never intended to be different,nor did I ever strive to stand out form the crowd.All I really wanted was to achieve the best version of myself that I could be,that I can be,and it turned out to be this way---and I'm perfectly happy with that.
I never made it my goal to make people like me,adore me,or cherish me.I honestly don't care about things like those,all that matters to me is that I be able to inspire people,not to do good,but to never do bad.Not to always stay kind,but to never be cruel.Not to always be the best,just to have the will to try.That's enough for me.It's not my purpose to turn them into angels.My purpose is to keep them away from being the demons.
However,we all know how the human race can be.You do bad,they'd have something to say.You do good,still,they'd have something to point out. It's like showing them a clean piece of white paper,and still,despite the smooth surface,the first thing they'd notice is the little black dot in the middle.Even if you are the most beautiful creature in the universe,they'd somehow find a flaw,and that will mark your spot on their lives.People tend to do that---point out the imperfections of others just so they could feel better about their selves.
Here's what makes me sad: why can't we just be happy for each other? In the end, does it really matter who's richer, prettier, more successful? Will our Father look at us differently,based on those things?We can't bring money with us on our grave. Beauty fades with time.Even intellect does not linger for so long. I think we should all stop for a while and reflect. Ask yourself how you are living your life now. Will it be worth watching when you're done filming? How many people will smile because of your kind and encouraging words? How many people will kneel down and thank the Lord for bringing you into their lives? How many will cry when you're gone? How many lives will you be able to touch,to alter,to be a part of? That is my purpose.
Insecurities lead to nothing good unless you use them to strive hard to be your better self.That should always be the goal...Work hard to be better,not to impress others,not to surpass them,but to be the best you can be.
I know how it feels to be criticized. I've gone through it a lot,and sometimes I still experience it,and it doesn't feel nice,ever.People will say, "no offense meant", but that's just their subtle way of saying "I'm going to point out what's wrong with you but you should not get mad". It really brings down my self esteem,and I hate making others feel that way,so instead of pointing out what they have done wrong,I focus on what they have done right,and give them the applause they deserve.It's not so hard,after all.I don't understand why people even bother looking for flaws. It's like sitting in a garden full of blooming flowers, and all they do is complain about the weather and the most trivial things.
I wish instead of feeding their jealousy with fire,people would just learn to accept that we are all different,unique,and beautiful in our own ways.Stop trying hard to bring others down,just push yourself up if you can...Tell them how great they are instead,and I promise you, the smile they'd give you once they hear that is priceless,totally worth it.
Come on people! APPRECIATE.
I already said I'm a hypocrite, right? I don't practice what I preach...I'm only good in giving an advice,not in sticking with it.
I just want to let her know that she isn't anything as she thinks she is.I love her so much that it really pains me seeing her bring herself down It's like watching a movie,that part when the protagonist is being killed, and all you could do is stare in horror because you want to help, you really do, but how? You're just an audience.
I am just an audience.I cant do anything and it upsets me.Because I love the stupid protagonist bitch who thinks so lowly of herself.Why is she talking like that?Doesn't she know how important she is to me?I was offended.I was so offended that I..well I did something....cute.That's it.
DAMN YOU BITCHES. I LOVE YOU.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Our journey always begins at birth. Your first cry, the first word you learn to speak, the first time you spelled your name, the first step you take---these were the easiest tasks.As we go on with life, these tasks become heavier, harder, and sometimes, they seem impossible to overcome, and you'd feel like giving up.
It is not always rainbows and butterflies, we all know that by now. When you were a kid, you had skinned knees and ant bites, slight fevers and constipation, and your Mama and Daddy always had a solution. A bribe, and some loving words to keep you calm, and they always succeeded.
As you grow up, you realize that fairy tales aren't real, and you'd learn the hard way at times. There would come a point in your life when you will feel like you know what's best for you better than your parents do, and you'll prove yourself wrong,always almost too late.
They would tell you that you're not old enough to handle a relationship, but you wouldn't listen, because you tell yourself they don't know how you feel. You'd experience your first heartbreak, it will hurt like hell,but you could not tell them, because you disobeyed their words.You will nurture your own broken heart alone,wishing all the time that you listened to them.
You'll learn to let go and move on,quite proud that you managed to fix yourself without anyone's help. You will make new friends,bring them home,but you will not introduce them properly to Daddy who passes by as you watch a movie,throwing you a hopeful glance,wishing you'd proudly introduce him to your friends.You will not introduce them to Mama,who anxiously moves around the kitchen to make you snacks,and when she brings it to the living room,she will see your friends' feet propped on her white silk couch,with their shoes on...But she wouldn't say a word.
After your friends' visit, Daddy will call you to his study, where he and Mama will be waiting for you to tell you that your friends are up to no good.But because you had a really nice time with them,you wouldn't listen.You'd think they were only saying this because your friends messed the house up.
You'd continue hanging out with the wrong crowd because they accept you for who you are.All these times, Daddy will never stop reminding you that you are worth so much more, and Mama will always tell you how much you mean to her, and you will pull away from her hug, because you are now too big for them,and that it embarrasses you,especially in front of your friends.Mama will be hurt,but she'll never let you see her cry.You'll go on with your own life and just go home to eat and sleep.If only there's a way you could move out,you definitely would.
You will still go to school, cutting classes occasionally because your friends asked you to.You'd lie to your parents just so you could attend the coolest kid's house party,making an excuse about a school project that you have to finish. Daddy will have an idea about what's really going on, but Mama will ask him to let you off the hook every once in a while,because you deserve to have some fun.
Your occasional house parties will drastically be held more often,until it becomes as often as everyday.You will chew candies before going home so that Daddy wouldn't smell the alcohol in your breath.Mama will always remind you to do good for your future,you will always nod just so she could shut up already.You'd have enough of those talks.
As years pass by,you grow more and more irresponsible and selfish, until one day,the world you knew will be so different from the world you live in.You now have a child with no father (or you're the father,the child is with her mother), or married at a very young age. You will walk down the aisle between Mama who would not be able to stop her tears, and Daddy,who will be weak and bald because of years of work just so he could give you a bright future.You will live in a little house with your new spouse and your mother in law,who will serve as your alarm clock every waking day of your life--she will never fail to remind you how you ruined her child's life,even though you would honestly think it's the other way around.
You'd spend most of your days working your butt off to pay for house rent and buy your own child's necessities, all the while, your relationship with your spouse falls badly apart. You will live in hunger, hatred, and regrets, and it will all boil down until one day. you'd find yourselves bursting with frustration because the relationship isn't working anymore. You'd go on your separate ways.If you're a girl,you'd take the baby with you.If you're a boy,you'd go back alone to Mama and Daddy, and your ex wife will be giving you limited amounts of time to see your child.
You'd sleep in your own room,but the house will never be the same anymore. May nights, you'd lie awake in your bed, wondering what might have happened if you listened to Mama and Daddy.You would cry yourself to sleep,feeling useless and worthless,because of all your mistakes in the past.
Daddy will not talk to you for sometime,while Mama will give you some much needed hugs for comfort.After a while of healing and grief,Daddy will speak to you again, his grandchild in his lap.Mama will talk you into going back to school, and you would agree. Your child will grow up with Daddy and Mama, and if you're unlucky enough,she or he will treat you like a brother or sister,because while you are away,Mama and Daddy will come to love her/him like their own,therefore they'll treat her like she's their child.
You will graduate,you will be successful,and back on the right track, but you will never be happy. Your child did not grow up with you, so you will never be that close. You'll feel your heart breaking everytime he/she runs to Mama or Daddy for comfort, not you. You'd wish you made a different choice.
Time will pass,and you'll all grow old. Mama and Daddy will probably be six feet under now, and you're living your life with your child, and perhaps, a new spouse. As you watch your child grow up,it will be like you're watching your little self through your parent's eyes. You will realize how right they always were, and you'll try and raise your child like they tried to raise you. Your child will resist, just like you used to do. You sit back and watch as he/she ruins his/her life step by step, and there will be nothing you could do, but wish to be able to turn back time and do it all over again,only this time,you will listen to them.
So Jackson ate a maggot...And when he looked at the camera and smiled, I was like, "what's my name again?". I love him to death. Ohmygollygosh. He is so HOTTT!I think I need a bottle of Coke now.I'm hyperventilating.
1. Put your iTunes/Napster/Zune Player/WinAmp/etc on shuffle.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
The Man In Love With You - Rascal Flatts
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Swimming In Miami - Owl City
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Baby I'm A Want You - Bread (What? Haha)
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
I'm You - Leona Lewis (Cool)
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Here Comes Goodbye - Rascal Flatts (What the hell?)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Warmth of The Sand - Dashboard Confessional
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Try - Nelly Furtado (Accurate, darn)
WHAT IS 2+2?
Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson (Doesn't make any sense at all)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
The Best Day - Taylor Swift (Wow!)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
I'll Be Loving You Forever - Westlife (I swear I grinned viciously at this!)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Happy - Leona Lewis (Agree!)
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Meteor Shower - Owl City
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Close To You - The Carpenters (Darn, this is trying to tell me something!)
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
A Place In This World - Taylor Swift (Can possibly be true)
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Angel - Sarah Mclachlan (No way, it's a sad song...)
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Fuzzy Blue Lights - Owl City (It's okay.I actually like the song.)
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Bust Your Windows - Glee (LMFAO)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Footprints in The Sand - Leona Lewis (This got me thinking. It's true!)
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Shattered - Trading Yesterday (God! This is so accurate, how come?! I swear I am not cheating!)
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
River Flows In You - Yiruma (I don't know, it's instrumental.)
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Forever In Love - Kenny G.
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
The Best Deceptions - Dashboard Confessional
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Feels Like Home - Edwina Hayes
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Don't Fall In Love With A Dreamer - Kenny Rodgers
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Kings and Queens - 30 Seconds To Mars
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Can't Fight This Feeling - Glee (WTF?!)
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
You Found Me - The Fray
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
I'm Moving On - Rascal Flatts
POST THIS AS?
Weekend In New England - Barry Manilow
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
It's located in Villa Isla, Science City of Munoz, Nueva Ecija. Somebody brought me there once, and instantly, I fell in love...with the place. Haha!
It is a quiet place, a good place to think things over and just reconnect with myself. Whenever I'm there, I'm at peace. I feel safe and loved, so close to nature. All I could hear is the humming of the birds, the occasional moos of the cows beside the lake, the sound of a farmer's tractor, plowing the farms nearby, the almost silent gush of wind---it is paradise.
Besides the peace it gives me, the place holds so many happy memories. I went there with my best friends and we had a lot of fun. I couldn't stop smiling whenever I remember that day we went there, we didn't bring anything, no blanket, no water, no food. We walked up the hills and got all thirsty halfway through our trek, we were drained out of energy, and all we had was a bar of chocolate, which we shared. It was fun and unforgettable. The next time we visited the place, we made it a point to bring a mat and food with us, and of course, Ryan's motorcycle for easy transport.
I miss this place. It's been a year or so since I last saw it, and whenever we go to Pangasinan and pass it by, I can't help but crane my neck and give it one long glance. I miss those times I spent with my friends there, the feeling of self fulfillment as we take the last step to reach the top of the highest hill, and that satisfying coolness of the wind caressing our tired bodies as we proudly gaze at the lake from the top.
I miss the sound of my shoes squeaking against the fresh grass, or how we would catch our breaths after we raced through a narrow dirt path. I want to hear it again, our squeals of joy when we found the perfect spot to lay our mat on, or the groans we let escape when the sun yet again changed position. I miss our funny conversations, or the comfortable silence. I miss the way we slap each other playfully, or pinch each other's arms, or reminisce about the funny things we did in the past. I miss them all. I miss this place, and I miss all those people.
In my happy place, I'm safe. I'm secure. I have no enemies, I have no limits nor boundaries. I can do whatever I want as I please, I can be who I want to be. In my happy place, hatred does not exist. My happy place is a place where the flowers that bloom are called love, and trees called peace provide shade from the heat. The lake overflows with laughter, and the birds sing of songs called friendship. In my happy place, there are princes and princesses, no evil step sisters, no evil step mother, no vain or greedy queens, only helpful madhatters and pixies and fairy dusts. In my happy place, hatred does not exist. In my happy place, hatred...It does not exist. Love reigns in my happy place. My happy place has a name. I call it my heart.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Ilocos. The place to be, especially Pagudpud beach.
My friends went there once. I didn't come with them since it was very last minute.
We met at school Monday after they arrived, and I noticed that three of them were wearing identical ID straps (they're not really important, so I won't name them). It was a very cute indigenous looking strap, made of black stones and beads. Ilocos is famous for souvenirs like that, so I knew right then they bought it there.
Apparently, one of our friends also didn't come with them. It was only then that I found out, cause *Mary (name changed) gave her a strap that looks exactly like theirs, saying they bought it for her.
"Thanks." My friend said, eying me carefully.
Of course I wouldn't admit it, but deep inside, I was wondering where mine was, since they bought one for our friend, I was assuming I had one,too, but I was wrong. The day passed quickly and no strap showed up for me.I was feeling very hurt and sad, and betrayed that they have forgotten about me.
The next day,I went to school and still talked with them all like nothing happened. They wore their straps loud and proud, and everytime I see them, I feel like those straps were shouting to me, "Hey, look, you don't have one, you don't belong!" I felt like a freak; the odd one out.
Then came Karen. Karen was the closest to me in our group. We were inseparable, if I may say so.She was my best friend. It was lunch break, and only then did I realize that she was not wearing any strap. She was wearing the simple ID band that I gave her on our first day of the semester.
"Why don't you have one like that?" I asked her timidly, afraid that I might hurt her pride. Karen is not rich, she only has enough money so I was pretty sure that she wasn't able to buy everything the others bought in Ilocos.
She smiled a little at me, taking a sip of her iced tea. "I have no enough money."
"I'm sorry." I looked down, feeling bad for her.
I felt bad that I did not have a strap like my other friends, and yet there was Karen, she wanted to, but she couldn't buy one for herself. How selfish of me to feel bitter over such trivial thing.
"Hey, don't be." She patted my arm, I looked up. "At least we still have the same strap. I like this better." She gestured towards the identical straps we were wearing. They were very simple, plain pink bands with rubber butterflies on one end. They didn't cost us that much, while the Ilocos straps cost Php180.00 each. I smiled.
So needless to say, our lives went on after that incident. We still hung out with our friends like nothing really happened, but there will always be a deep wound in my heart for what they did. Only this one day changed my views on things.
Days later, I found out the truth: Karen had enough money to buy a strap for herself, but not for the two of us.
...So instead of buying one for herself and making me feel left out and odd, she decided not to, and be different with me.
I will never forget that day, It changed my life.
Good or bad, at least I can remember. It's only peculiar that when I remember the times I cried, I smile. Whereas memories of the times I laughed make me cry.
Sometimes, it's really hard to deal with the truth that days pass by quickly. There are times when I want to stop the world because something good is happening, but I can't. Then there are those days when I just want to lie in bed and recite a certain day or date, wishing somehow that when I wake up, it'll magically be that day.
Holding on is never the easiest thing to do, neither is letting go. That's why we have our memories.
For when the moment has come and gone, we have something we could pull out from our pockets...
Something to remind us that it did happen.
Something to remind us that it was real.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Let me sleep, for when I sleep, I dream that you are here...
It's been six years. I can't believe how I managed to get on my life without you.Maybe because we were never really that close, but despite that, I miss you.
Remember when you said a boy who would want to be with me would first have to face you?I want that.I want that to happen.I was thirteen back then.I never really paid attention...Now I'm longing for all those days I took for granted. I want to bring them back...If only it could be done, I'd do it for sure.
So many things have changed since you've been gone.There is not a day that I don't think of you,I'm pretty sure you know that.My grief will never subside.I miss you so much...
School's always a burden.You know why...You know why...It hurts too much.I always fake a smile when they introduce me to those people,and I wonder how that feels.How does it feel,Dad,to cling to your arm and smile as I introduce you to my friends?I never experienced that...And it hurts...A lot...
Sometimes I question God. Why is my life like this...?Mom was never around, you're all we have, and you too, were gone. How do you feel,Dad?Seeing her with another man is like agony for me...I know she deserves to be happy...But what if it hurts us?I don't want you replaced...It just makes it clearer that you are gone.I can't accept that.Until now,I'm holding on to a fantasy shield that I've created for myself a long time ago.In that alternate world, you're alive. You're just not around, but you're alive. I can reach you through letters.I can talk to you on the phone...Not like this...
Dad,are you watching me as I sleep?Can you see how I've grown?You used to be so proud of me...You used to buy me ice cream cones and drive me to school. You were so mad then, Dad. You hit me with a belt when I was almost crushed by a truck on the highway. Back then, I hated you cause i thought you didn't love me.Now I understand how you must have felt.You were scared of losing me...You were scared of dealing with the kind of pain I'm feeling now for losing you. Six years, Dad. I'm longing for you...
My mind is filled with so much memories of us together. I can remember you clearly. I miss you.I miss those days when I would wait for you to come home from work and you'd bring home random things for me--a protractor, a tennis ball, a walking doll. Our life back then was very different. It was very simple. We didn't have much money, but we were happy.
I wish you were still here. I wish I could ask for one more ice cream cone. One more pack of cheese its. One more protractor. One more dozen of pencils. One more word,Dad.Call me daughter one more time. Just one more goodnight kiss...And then I'll take it all...
One more chance to be a daughter to you...As soon as I've fulfilled it,I promise...
...I'll take the road to acceptance.
Advanced Happy Birthday,Dad. I love you...In my heart,we're a happy family...We always will be...
Friday, March 19, 2010
This may be a feeling I'll later regret.
But wherever you are,I want you to know what's true.
Awake or dreaming, I'm waiting for you.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
A stupid story, and my life was altered forever.
Because of stupid academic commitments, my sisters Louise and Victoria can't talk with me that often. I'd hate to admit this, but yes, I miss them...So much. :(
Within this last week, we've grown really close to each other.I'd come home in a really bad mood, but the moment I read their message,I'd instantly feel better.They're like real sisters to me, only we're so far apart.
They serve like my anti-depressant.Oftentimes, I'm lonely and hopeless, and then they'd come cheering me up. They never fail to remind me how beautiful life is. I've never really known them that long, but already, they're a part of my life that I would never forget.
Now that we're not talking that much, I'm back to my usual self. I miss Vicky's Coke induced energy. I miss being brutal to Louise when she tries to steal Jasper. I miss giggling at the slight mention of Pork Adobo. I miss running after Louise whenever she runs away because of the Diamond Studded Disco Stick. I miss them so much. Without them, I feel like my life is so dull, predictable, and boring. Where they are is where the fun is at. Now that they're not around, I'm starting to realize how I can't possibly go on a day without them.
To others, this may seem a little dramatic. You might say, 'yeah right, you miss them, you only met them online, get over it'. It's not that simple, and I don't wish it was. I deeply care for these girls. I really consider them my own sisters. We might not have been born on the same country in the same family, but that doesn't really matter to me. All I know is that I love them, and if anyone ever messes with them, you'd have to face my wrath.
Vicky, Louise, I understand why you're not here to talk to me today. Don't get me wrong, okay? I'm just writing this to pass the time cause I really really miss you so much. Gosh, I guess I've been too dependent on you. Maybe because I have not much friends in school. You two are my best friends right now. I always look forward to going home because I enjoy every minute of talking with you. The hardest thing is saying goodbye or goodnight, cause I don't know when I can talk with you again.
Maybe I'm just addicted. My sister and i are pretty close, too, but there are some things I can't tell her, not like you. We can talk about everything and we'd never run out of topics even until the sun comes up, and still, I wouldn't be tired. I could spend a whole day sitting on my bedroom floor, laughing with you and I wouldn't mind at all. That's how connected I am to you.
I wish I live there so that we could hang out together. It's fun talking with you over the computer, but sometimes I can't help but imagine what it would be like to actually visit your home on a Sunday afternoon and just hang out and have tea, watch a movie,take a walk around the neighborhood, or shop together.I really, really miss you guys. :(
I hope to talk to you again SOON, please. It's so hard going on a day without you. Please make it soon. If you don't hear from me in the next three days, please contact my family, as I might have died of loneliness.
Ate (Big Sister)
She said it made her want to throw up, so I checked it out, curious as to why she might have said that. Andrea is a gracious girl, so I was really interested with what caused her to say that. Here is the link, check it out for yourself. Click here.
First of all,I admit that I'm not a fan of Miley Cyrus, but I like some of her songs. I mean,she's okay. I don't understand why some people hate her with passion, but I do understand why some people are obsessed with her. At one point in our lives,we would all find something we're passionate about, and some people found it in her, or maybe in her music, and I don't blame them for that.
What I don't get,though, is why this girl had to do that to her cat. Okay, she loves Miley and she wants her to come back and be active again on Twitter, but come on!! Why did she not spare the cat's life? She said she loved her cat so much, so why did she find it necessary to end the poor cat's life just because Miley didn't come back to Twitter? It just broke my heart, and as I am writing this, I can still feel some strange kind of pain inside.
I don't know this girl, and I most definitely didn't know her pet, Fuzzy. But she posted pictures of the dead cat,and described what she did-she cooked her pet,she ate it. Fickety fuckity fuck, she ate the cat. It was not enough that she had it killed (euthanasia,even though it was in perfect health condition) for a very shallow purpose,she ate it.
Let me tell you something: we raise ducks in our backyard. We used to raise chickens, too. My family is fond of eating ducks, I don't eat ducks, for reasons unknown. But I do eat chicken,but not when it was one of our raised chickens. I don't eat an animal when I've seen the way it was killed.And yet this girl, she had the guts to do that. Big f-u-c-k. I immediately understood why Andrea wanted to throw up, cause it had the same effect on me. How could she do that? That was her pet, for God's sake! It's not like our ducks or chicken which were raised in the first place for their meat.A cat is another thing. It's a domestic pet. That cat cuddled with her. That cat played with her. I bet that cat gave her comfort on her lowest days. Who, in their right mind, could have a heart to do such horrible thing to an innocent cat? It was not Fuzzy's fault that Miley deleted her Twitter account. :(
Okay, so let's say she loves Miley more than anything else, more than Fuzzy. I totally understand that, cause I could say I feel the same for Ashley, Andrea, and Caitie. So let's pretend it's okay that she killed the cat. She should have stopped there. She didn't have to cook it. She didn't have to eat it. It's like killing your own sibling or child...and then you'd eat it? You fucking ate your pet and you still had the guts to write about it?! You are horrible. Did you think Miley liked that? You used your cat's life to force her to go back to Twitter-that is called blackmail. Did you think you did that for a great cause? No, that was very shallow. You put a life in your hands, a life that was not yours,to begin with, and therefore you didn't have the right to take it. But you did take it. You killed Fuzzy.
I want to throw up, really. Why are there people like her? She could've just started a petition. She should've spared the cat. She's so selfish and immature.
Fuzzy didn't deserve such treatment. No animal deserves to lose a life for the sake of a useless cause. People should realize that. We own nothing in this world, not even our lives. We don't have any right to take matters like this in our own hands. We should just learn to accept other people's decision. I know how you must be feeling that day, Fuzzy's owner. Maybe you wanted Miley back on Twitter just as much as I wanted to force Ashley and Jackson together. Here's something I want to tell you, though. I want them to be together, but I wouldn't risk anyone's life to make it happen, nor would I even start a stupid petition. If it should happen, I want it to happen naturally, not force them into it. That's what somebody should have told you that day. You have no control over things, especially other people's choices. Please learn to respect other people's decisions. Stop being self centered. You are not the only living thing on Earth. the world does not revolve around you, and it would still continue spinning even when you're gone.
P.S.: Please take care of your new dog. I just hope none of your idols quit Twitter anymore, so that the dog could have the chance to breathe his last breath naturally.
You may not be here beside me, but I can feel you. Lonely, yes, I am...but all I have to do is think about you, about how you wanted me to be happy, and I can smile again.
I wish you didn't have to leave. I wish I'm not feeling this pain, this heartbreaking longing that I'm feeling now for you. I want to see you, to let you know how much I still care, and that no matter what happens, you're in my heart...but where are you? A million miles away, unreachable, and I have no idea what you are up to.
Sometimes, I couldn't help but say life is unfair, because it is. It really is. How come other people make it through whatever, and we can, we could...but we didn't. Can you hear my sighs? They are not sighs of relief. They are sighs of grief, of acceptance. I know this is what you really want. I just hope you know that I'm still here.
Right here where you left me.
Where your footprints began to follow a new trail, and mine ended.
Seann Pangilinan, 19, Filipina
Nueva Ecija, Philippines
Addicted to Oreos.
In love with Jackson Rathbone.
A fan of Ashley Greene.
Moody, crazy, emotional.
Committed Crime: Illegal Possession of Alice's Diamond Studded Disco Stick
Swindon, United Kingdom
Addicted to Diet Coke.
In love with Jackson Rathbone.
A fan of Ashley Greene.
Crazy, chipper, energetic.
Committed Crime: Malicious Mischief Against Pork Adobo
Louise Murphy, 14, Irish
Addicted to Club Orange
In love with Jasper Hale
A fan of Ashley Greene (Now confirmed haha)
Crazy, energetic, normal.
Committed Crime: Violence Against Leprechauns
If you see them, you're lucky. They're usually invisible.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
First, on my way to school, I saw this group of little girls who appeared to be beggars walking on the street. They had no slippers on, and it was a very hot day so I supposed their feet must be hurting, walking on the pavement. A woman was following them, she was on a bicycle. In my assessment, she was the mother. As I have said, their feet must be hurting because of the pavement, so they stopped walking for a moment to rest under a tree's shade. As soon as they stopped, though, the woman hit a girl right smack on her head. The catch? The girl couldn't be older than five. She was crying, and I was fuming mad. So I politely asked the jeepney driver to stop, I'd get off and maybe do what I can to at least comfort the poor girl, but he didn't listen. He said I'd only get myself in trouble. The incident bugged me all morning. I was so guilty. I had the chance to help, but I didn't do anything. I felt horrible.
Still, I went to attend my classes, surfing the internet whenever I had the chance. I expected to feel better, since reconnecting with my friends has always been a good way to brighten up my day. What happened was the opposite. I logged in on Facebook, and received a notification that a friend commented on my status. It was K, I will not mention his name, I respect him, he's like a big brother to me and I don't want to change that. So yes, he posted a comment on my status, which was about the 11 digit cellphone numbers here. He kept insisting that it is only 10, and I kept arguing that it is actually 11.
In easy words, we, like...fought (?) over a petty issue, and I didn't (and still don't) have any intentions of submitting to him. I was really pissed because I live here in the Philippines, I have a cellphone, and my cellphone number consists of 11 digits. He kept on saying that the 0 should not be included since it will still work without it. Here is my VALID POINT: even if you could omit the 0, we don't usually do that here, do we? So that still means that we have 11 digit cellphone numbers. He didn't get that. Or maybe he just didn't want to accept that I'm right. You see, almost all the time he goes on correcting me, my grammar, my spelling mistakes--which were obviously just typo. I really don't want to be mad at him, but this issue is driving me insane. I'm tired of that attitude. My classmates often do that to me, so do my teachers. I don't need another king, thank you very much. I just don't get why he acts like that. It's really annoying at times, not to mention offensive. Parang gusto nya sya na lang lagi yung tama without even considering what I was trying to say. Nakakainis yung ganun di ba? Ipinipilit pa nya na 10 digits lang, eh 11 naman talaga. Hello? My cellphone number is 0906-xxx-xxxx. Please try to count that. At putang ina naman, wag mong tanggalin yung 0 kasi ginagamit nga yan dito!!! Ano ka ba???? Nagpapaka-matalino ka tapos hindi mo yan makuha?! Ang simple lang naman di ba?!
So yeah. I went back to school with a sigh. And then this jerk who kissed my best friend approached me and strummed a guitar and sang to me. Made my day better? No. It made my day worse, and I felt like exploding. Leche. Tuesday used to be my least liked day but this day is making its way on top of the chart.
And then there's Creative Writing. I walked to the studio to find that no one was there yet. I arrived exactly on time. I still can't understand why all the people seemed inconsiderate today. I walked two miles so that I won't be too early because I hate waiting, or too late because it's not a good habit to make others wait, but that's what they did to me. I tried to overlook that, though, and even if my head was pounding and throbbing like hell, i did my best to cooperate. We were given this little journal to write a story with 5 chapters. We were grouped into fives, so we had to write a chapter each. My group mates assigned me to write the ending of our story, which I did pretty well, not to boast, but I write endings well. And then this girl felt the urge to come to me and asked me to change every single fucking word I've written. I was like, "what the hell, this is my part, you're done with yours". But she said she had a better idea on how to end the story. I used all my will power to deny myself the pleasure of yelling at her face. Just when I thought my day was on its worst, she proved me wrong. Politely, I asked her to just mind her own business and let me have my way, which she did, not without a frown.
I went home after that. Limply, I fell asleep on the hour long jeepney ride. I was feeling a little better when I got off on our street, thinking I can finally be at peace.
Guess what I realized?
I forgot to pay my jeepney fare, and nobody asked me for it.
Fall into your sunlight.
The future's open wide, beyond believing.
To know why hope dies.
Losing what was found, a world so hollow.
Suspended in a compromise.
The silence of this sound is soon to follow.
And finding answers.
Is forgetting all of the questions we called home.
Passing the graves of the unknown.
As reason clouds my eyes, with splendor fading.
Illusions of the sunlight.
And a reflection of a lie will keep me waiting.
With love gone, for so long.
And this day's ending.
Is the proof of time killing all the faith I know.
Knowing that faith is all I hold.
And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand.
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love, without love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on.
But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning.
Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart.
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent.
All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain.
All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over.
There's a light, there's the sun, taking all shattered ones.
To the place we belong, and His love will conquer all.
Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding.
Fall into your sunlight.
I used to believe that everything happens in its own time. I thought if I was destined to be successful, one day, I will be. Thank you for making me realize that in order to gain my pot of gold, I would have to chase the rainbow. If not for you, I wouldn’t have seen so many things in a different perspective. Just ignore what the others have to say. To me, you will always be the best actress around. You will always be the brightest star in my sky. You’ve touched so many lives, including mine…and I will forever be grateful that even if I don’t get the chance to ever meet you, at least I have had the chance to know you. I’ll always look up to you, no matter what happens.
You are one of the best people to ever walk on earth. I can’t even possibly express how much I love and respect you for being so nice to us, even if you don’t know us personally. Your good deeds and kind words will forever be etched in my heart, no matter where I go. I just don’t understand why I have this feeling that somehow, something is bothering you…Like a constant cloud of loneliness hovers above you.. I’m not sure, but whatever it is, I hope you won’t ever end up feeling alone… Cause no matter how far away I am, I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. You don’t know me personally, but you have altered my way of living. Whenever I want to complain about something, I just think of you, and then I’ll be grateful for whatever I have. Thank you, Andrea, for being a beautiful person, inside and out.
Before, I was always insecure and jealous of what others have and I don’t. The best lesson I’ve learned so far in life, I learned from you: To just be myself and be happy with it. I used to strive hard to be like everyone else, to make them see me differently. But you changed that. You might not know it, but because of you, I’ve learned to accept my flaws and imperfections, and I’ve even come to embrace, if not love them, cause they are the things that make me unique. I used to spend all my time wondering what might have been if things had been different, but you taught me that life goes like this: no regrets, just lessons learned. You made me believe that everything good that were gone will be replaced with better ones, and for that reason alone, I love you. Thank you for inspiring me to become the best version of myself, I’ll always owe it to you.
My life is not perfect, and it never will be. I’m not a princess, but I’m just as lucky. Everyday of my life is a struggle. Sometimes, all I want to do is to break down and cry, because I know I have the right to. But instead, I choose to live the best way I can, drawing my strength from you, and instantly, I’m alright. Thank you so much for making me see how beautiful life really is, and how blessed I am. When you feel like no one’s there, just think of this: somewhere, somehow, someone loves you, and believes in you. I do.
"Good morning," he smiled, rolling to his side to run a finger along the contours of her face. Funny, but he still can't believe it's all real. He is hers now, she is his.
He thought back on everything they've gone through to be here now, a day after their wedding.Back then, he never really expected to end up being her husband. He might have hoped,but not expected.
Now,after all the ups and downs,there they lay,their bodies intertwined, their hearts sealed with a vow.
Life couldn't be more serene. He thought,smiling widely to himself.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
The word Pen was suggested by my wonderful virtual sister, Victoria Jayne Telling. Lovesyou Vicky!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
There are six billion people in the world. Six billion souls, and sometimes, all you really need is one.
It's been so long,I've been waiting for you.I while away the time playing some scenes in my mind, like how we would meet, where, when, in what situation, what color would the shirt you wear be...Would we meet in a diner on a rainy day? Would you tip off your hat, and if I hold out my hand, would you take it? So many questions...And I don't know where to find the answers.
Your eyes...I wonder what color they are.Are you soft spoken and thoughtful?I hope you're not the jealous type...I want you to know that whenever I hear a love song,I hum along to its tune,wondering if you've ever heard it.What's your favorite song?Are you lonely too?Are you looking for me too?I'm waiting here for you.
Whenever I'm tired,I just look at my hands,and then I'd smile to myself,knowing that one day,my fingers would finally be interlocked with yours.I can't wait to know how good it would feel to have you sitting right beside me,assuring me that I wouldn't be alone anymore.I'm pretty sure my heart would skip a bit everytime you speak, perhaps it would everytime I hear you breathe.I don't know about you,but already,I love you.
Without you,the nights are cold...They are lonely, but I'm doing everything I can to cope with it.Sometimes,I feel like giving up...But thinking about that fateful day that we would meet makes it all worth the wait.
Six billion souls...And I'm waiting for only one. Someday, you will find your way to me...