Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Never Lose Focus!

Woooh!!! I traveled 4 hours to Manila to see Eclipse with Mainia today and it was the best day ever! Ever! EVER!!!

I still got the Eclipse fever,can you tell?Well,it was so fucking good,I had to curse about it even though I am not really a big fan of profanity. I think I'll see it again tomorrow. No,I'm sure I will see it again tomorrow!

So this post is all about the movie.I perfectly understand that some of you guys haven't seen the movie yet and you might not like spoilers, so I'm putting my review and fangirling squees after the cut. Click the line if you want! But don't blame me if it ruins or strengthens your excitement!
Okay, so we spent more than an hour in line to buy tickets cause there was a HUGE number of people swarming for them. It was early; we started at 11 in the morning. By the time we got our tickets, it was 12:30 in the afternoon. The movie began at 2:30, and we were seated on the second row.We were practically looking up to the screen but we had no choice beacuse the theater was packed,and those were the only seats available.

Let me tell you though, it was WORTH it. More than that, to be honest. It was very rewarding cause for two movies' worth I have been disappointed that Melissa Rosenberg didn't seem to care enough about the characters apart from Edward and Bella (cough Alice and Jasper cough) . First, in Twilight, she didn't write about Alice's backstory, nor did she include them in the Prom scene. I mean come on, perhaps it was not Melissa's fault; perhaps it was the production staff's or whatever---but seriously?Like,they could have at least shown rosalie and Emmett and Alice and Jasper going to prom.

In New Moon, my favorite scene was the airport scen where the depth of Jasper and ALice's relationship was defined. Well, sadly, it's all in the book,but NOT in the movie. I was so disappointed,like, Jasper only got a line or two! It was....sad.

Now! I didn't expect anything to avoid getting to disappointed once the movie came out like the other two, but frankly--I knew there must be some reason why Eclipse is my favorite book (and now,movie) from the Saga.Among the three,it was the best.And maybe I am being biased,but I don't think Breaking Dawn can surpass this--the book's plot is just too overwhelming-in a bad way-unless they include more of Alice and Jasper.

Now,on with the review which is like 8275265% squee and 7338765% fangirling and swooning over Jacksper!

AGAIN, SPOILER ALERT! Click on the line at your own risk

Monday, June 28, 2010

There's Nothing Left For Me To Say :)

I don't know what these gummy bears have to do with this post, but I love them.

Have you ever loved someone that even the slightest decisions they make affect your life more than they should? I'm sure, at one point in your life,you have, or you will.

Love is very strange. Sometimes it is funny. SOmetimes it is trying to be funny, but ends up making us annoyed and pissed at it. Yesterday, I was all locked up and crying all day because of some things that someone did or decided to do. Now, I'm fine and coping with it.

Because I know that no matter how bad today may end, there is always tomorrow-a new chance to begin yet another adventure,and it may not be a chance to make the wrong things right, but it is a chance to not make the same mistakes.

I really miss writing FanFiction. It feels like I haven't been writing since forever, but I can't find the time to change that. I am so busy. My head hurts so bad right now. I really want to go get some rest (which I probably will, after posting this).

You know, the day after tomorrow is Eclipse day. :) I don't know yet who I'll see it with initially. I usually prefer watching movies alone, but Eclipse is really special. I want to see it with a fellow Twilighter, preferably a fellow Greenebone shipper so that we could squee together... Things like that.

So many things are going on in my life right now. I really do not want to talk about them-yet-so I guess this is gonna be all I'd say. When I find the time to blog again, I will blog about the people who matter most to me. Because my Follow Friday tweets are simply not enough to show them how much I love and appreciate them. So yeah.... Byeeee.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Now I See What Love Means...

Dear Ashley Greene, I love you. That's all I really know.

Today, paparazzi photos of Ashley Greene kissing a guy (I don't know him) came out on the web. Initial reaction: Noooooooo. This can't be. When I know for a fact it it definitely CAN be.

I have always been a Greenebone fan. That's Ashley Greene and Jackson Rathbone, by the way, but ever since, I have loved Ashley Greene more than Jay. My friends know that. I will always go for Ashley.

With this issue now circulating all over the web, I know some people will judge her for the choices she is making. I can only say one thing to that: she, just like the rest of us, is just human. She has a heart that beats, and no matter what we all say or do, that heart is responsible for her decisions, and we cannot demand her to do what we expect her to do, nor can we change the path that she chooses to take.

Sometimes, it's so easy to be devoted in something or someone and feel as if the things they do that we do not like are wrong. We should all understand that they have their own lives apart from the glitz and the glamor, and that we have to respect it. It's easy to say she has forgotten about our feelings by doing this, but I'm sure she didn't. Ash would never dream of doing something in purpose to hurt her fans. She just followed her heart. She just made a decision for herself, and because we love her, we should at least understand that.

So you see, I am torn between a part of me that wants to be happy because she is happy, and a part of me that wants to be happy because they (Ashley and Jackson) make me happy. But I have learned today that love is not always getting your own happiness. When you are in love, you have to make some sacrifices to make both ends meet. I love Ashley, and I do not condemn or judge her for doing what makes her happy. In a way,I even look up to her for being brave and just doing things her way.

If you will ask me right now, then yes, I am sad and upset, and maybe even disappointed because all this time I have been living with my head in the clouds, assuming she and Jackson are finally getting somewhere. But no matter what this is all about, one thing is for sure: I love her, and nothing will ever change that. If she goes to hell and back, you will surely find me behind her, full support.

Love means giving whatever it takes to secure your loved one's happiness, even if it means forgetting your own.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

You Always Make Me Believe That There's Nothing In This World I Can't Be

Earlier tonight,before I left for work, I posted a photo of myself in Twitter, saying "I'm fat :(" because I was really feeling fat. Of course, my friends disagreed...Guess who else disagreed?

Yes, Caitie Uhlmann. One of the few women I really look up to. I'm still dumbfounded.

"Don't ever say you are are beautiful, never forget that or let anyone tell you anything different."

That's what she sent me through a DM,and I was like O_o. I swear it took me some time to actually collect myself together and compose a reply.

You know,I felt really great when my friends told me that I actually am beautiful. Well,to be honest,I really don't believe them that much. My best bud even said once that I was the only person he knows who hates compliments. Truth is,I love them.Who doesn't, right? It's just that...I don't know,I'm not used to being complimented,that's why I feel awkward when I receive one,because I don't know how to react,and I am not sure if I really deserve it.

But tonight,I feel really beautiful. Not physically,okay? But there's something that changed inside me.It's like there's a glowing ball of light in my heart that makes me feel giddy. It's like a million fireflies are flickering their lights, it's like a ballerina is dancing within me.It's so hard to explain...It's just that...It's like her words cut right through my flesh (in a good way, of course) and I started bleeding rainbows. My gloomy mood earlier has been cast off, and finally,I'm a free leaf,feeling as light as the wind.

I don't know what's wrong with me,but when it's Caitie or Andrea or any one of their friends that tells me that I am beautiful or sweet, I can't help but believe them,and I get inspired every single time to do all I can to become to others what they are to me--an inspiration.A drive to make the most of myself,not only for myself,but also for the people around me.

I wish Caitie and Andrea know how much their words could affect me.My world is like a special recipe,and their words of encouragement are the secret ingredients. With them, life tastes better,rare,precious. If only I could actually make them see how much they really mean to me, how just the knowledge of their existence on the other side of the world is enough to comfort me and lull me to the sweetest slumber.

I can't believe how lucky I am to have come to know them in my life.All I know is that I aspire to be someone as thoughtful,as precious,and as inspiring. I wish they have even just the slightest idea of how grateful I am to them. The world has some precious treasures in California.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

He Didn't Tell Me How To Live; he Lived, And Let Me Watch Him Do It.

A father is always making his baby into a little woman.  And when she is a woman he turns her back again.  ~Enid Bagnold

This is just depressing. I don't know why I can't let it all go completely without chasing after it... Without chasing after him...

Everybody says it's okay, that's life... But it's easy for them to say that I have to move on because the have no idea how painful it is to lose a father. After all, they still have theirs.

I can't help but be jealous when I see my classmates being driven to school by their Dads, because I've never had that experience. When wedding bells ring and a bride walks down the aisle, arms linked with her Dad's, it pushes me on the verge of crying... Because I will never experience that. I may be able to ask the orchestra to play Dance With My Father or Butterfly Kisses, things like this can be faked, but not the emotions I would feel when I'm dancing, twirling in some other man's arms.

No one can replace my father. It hurts me when people nudge me and whisper "there goes your new Dad" then point to my Mom's new man. It makes me cringe. How can they be so heartless, so insensitive about my feelings? Aren't they aware of the weeping thirteen year old hidden beneath my grown up facade? Because I, I can feel her presence inside me. She is grieving, even until now, and I guess she always will. My hair might have grown longer, my limbs taller, my body leaner, but deep inside, emotionally, I have never really grown. I'm still that thirteen year old, caged in my emotions, dealing with my mourn alone. Because seven years canot erase the fact that I'm blaming myself for this horrific loss that our family has gone through.

No one really speaks about him at home. When someone does, it is indirect and casual, as if they are talking about an old television set, or something that passed naturally. I don't think I need to analyze why; it's pretty clear. No one can talk about him and the things he did in the past, because no one can laugh about it. Because saying "he used to" would confirm everything. It would knock on our heads and deliver a mail saying he really is gone. And we don't want that to happen. For us, he lives on. We may not be the type of family who still sets a plate in the dining table for him, but we are living in a delicate bubble where all we do is smile and dream and convince ourselves that he is alive, and that's what helps us get through each day.

I cannot, and might never grasp the fact that he is completely gone. In my heart, he is alive. In my heart, it is always June 20, 2003, a day before his accident. A day where he was at home, helping my aunts rearrange the funiture while I was curled up in a ball in the sofa, reading Frances Hodgson Burnett's The Secret Garden. It was the last time we ate lunch together, and after that day, nothing stayed the same. Ever since he was gone, there's an aching hollow in my chest, an empty seat in the dining table, a gap in the family that used to form a perfect circle.

Ironically, the last perfect day of my life reaches its seventh anniversary today, June 20, 2010. And it's Fathers Day.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

I'm Always Gonna Worry About The Things That Can Break Us..

I've been reading a lot lately. Within this week, I've finished Mates Dates and Diamond Destiny, Dear John (for the tenth time), The Last Song, and I'm halfway through The Time Traveler's Wife.

Tomorrow, it's Father's Day. Well, I do not want to elaborate about it right now. Mainly because it still hurts. After almost seven years, I still can't bring myself to think or talk about him without a lump forming in my throat. Until now, I believe it's my fault, and nobody even knows why.

Anyway, screw you, chicken pox. My days of suffering are over, but the scars are starting to appear now. It saddens me big time- if you know me well, you will know why. I'm upset because I won't be able to wear mini skirts and shorts and jumpers for a while. That is one hell of a big deal for me because I love wearing those items of clothing. Dresses are out of the question too. I have scars on my arms.

Earlier today, I made a CD mix of a soundtrack for my fanfiction, Chasing Rainbows. Yeah yeah, I'm crazy. But I love writing that story so much that I'm now stalling just so I could prolong its existence. Not that anyone cares, anyway, but I just can't end it yet. Anywas. I made the CD and imagine my frustration when our oh so fancy CD player won't read it because our oh so fancy CD player only plays original discs. Yes, yes. It's kind of bitching me out, really. So I had to use the China- brand player just so I could listen to my CD. Meh. But it is a pretty good mix. The songs remind me of certain chapters from the story. I guess that's a good thing.

One more thing, my grandmother subtly banned us from drining Coke or Pepsi in the house. Now all we get to drink is iced tea. I like iced tea, but.... I guess it's not a secret how I worship Coke. I CAN'T live without it, so forgive me, gran when I smuggle in some Coke as soon as I get back from school.

That's all that really happened to me this week. It's boring here. I wish I live somewhere else, you know? Like Manila or something.. Anywhere... Where there are city lights and bustling cars and young couples making out in the dark. Hahaha!!

I'm kind of loving and hating The Time traveler's Wife at the same time. It's a complicated novel, I mean, Henry travels back to the past and meets young Clare, and then Clare meets him in the present and he has no idea who she is because he is 40-ish when he traveled to the past and i the present he is just 28 so it hasn't happened yet. Hahaha. I do understand the complexities though. I can follow the timeline but as I have said, I'm only halfway through it so I don't know where it is leading, plot wise. As far as I have read, I think it still lacks sense. Maybe it will get better as it progresses, what do you think? Maybe they'd realize that you actually have to get up from bed in order to live. It seems to me like all Henry ever does is time travel or have sex with Clare. Haha!

That's it for now. I just joined MySpace, by the way. It's confusing.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I'm Not A Fool, And Neither Are You

I'm in love.

Like.... I didn't just stare at this picture the entire afternoon. I mean, I'm not capable of possessing such idiocy, and you know that, right?

Truth is, I did, and I am. Ha! I even had to remind myself that I am a girl, you know? She's just so gorgeous. Absolutely so.

For starters, my day's just fine. I have just finished reading The Last Song, and in my own humble and unreliable opinion, Dear John is so much better. I even got bored reading this one. I don't know why. Maybe because I read Dear John imagining Channing Tatum, while I read The Last Song imagining Miley Cyrus. See the difference? Good. I'm not a fan of Miley, either.

My chicken pox is on the verge of getting well real soon, but I'm obsessively worried about the scarring that will take place soon. I'm vain like that, and must I admit, it feels weird to say my chicken pox... As if I am owning them. Hmm.

I've been through a lot lately. Well, I've experienced being flamed in for the first time. Flamed means someone gave me a negative review, in case you were wondering. Anyway, I didn't take it so well at first, but now it's okay. I would not be pissed if my story was being criticized, but it was I that they spoke about as if my life was exposed in front of them, and they knew everything about me, when in fact they didn't know anything at all. That just ticked me off for a while but I've cooled down, so I'm back to writing. No one can stop me. I love what I'm doing. :)

And lastly... Twitter is sick, like, seriously sick, don't you think? It's worrying me a lot, really. I mean, when someone you love shows serious signs of sickness, you would worry, right? You would. you definitely would. And that's what's happening right now with Twitter. It's sick and it shows signs of dying... Aaah no Twitter!! You can't die, I mean, what about me? What about us? What about stalking Andrea and Caitie and Ashley? We can't end like this, you know? I can't handle it. I can't live without you. You're my life now... Okay, that's so Edward-ish, but still.. i can't go on without Twitter, it will kill me too. Twitter is my only family. That's so Alice. Aaaaah I'm going crazy. Insaner. Ha.. Ask Yasmina. :P

That's all I want to say. It's back to school time but I'm not back to school yet because I'm sickity sick with the chicken pox, as I have mentioned earlier. I'm so bored. Maybe I'll begin reading The Time Traveler's Wife. One more thing, kids. Do you...You know, fold your books' pages when you want to mark what you're reading? Let me advise you against it, then. Respect the book. Use a book mark, it's not that expensive anyway. You'll never regret taking care of your books, I promise. Just do what I said. Okay?

Okay, bye!

Poof! *vanishes*

Sunday, June 13, 2010

You're The Only Thing I Know Like The Back Of My Hand...

And I can't breathe without you, but I have to...

I really don't know how I should start with this. Perhaps I am crazy. Perhaps I was crazy, and have just come to the conclusion that I am not crazy enough to fit in.

 You know, when you reach a point in your life when you meet a friend whom you cherish more than you do yourself, you have this feeling that no matter what it takes, you would stay by their side. No matter the consequences, you are ready to break any barriers for them.

That was how it used to be for us. Do you remember that time, when everyone seemed to conspire against us? I was pretty sure back then that if they pulled the trigger, I would jump and take the bullet, if it meant you were spared. I honestly treated you like my sisters.

But as we all know, time changes everything. Even fire burns itself out after some time. For so many times... I tried saying goodbye, but I came back hustling every single time, didn't I? Maybe because I am not that easy to beat, you know? I don't let simple things bring me down, and as long as there is a way, I'll fumble in the dark to find it.

Well...Things are quite different now, I must admit. You may kick my knee in denial, and tell me that it's all the same...but please, just....don't. Okay? Listen to me, you two. I have a heart that feels, and this heart...Well, it feels that the three of us are walking in a narrow alley, and you know? We can't walk if it's the three of us together. Someone has to go and walk behind the other two so hat we could all pass comfortably, and that someone is definitely me. And it's okay, really, I'm more than willing and happy, because I know that you are both happy. That's all I could ever ask for.

Sometimes, things like this really happen to people. Maybe at first we thought it was the three of us that were destined to be best friends, when in fact it was just the two of you, and I was just a bridge. A happy bridge, by the way. I can see that through this weeks, you have gone closer to each other, and well.. Far apart from me. I admit, sometimes, of course, it hurts me, but there's nothing I can do about it, right? So it's okay... I mean, you know... Maybe I'm like, not supposed to be in the pot or something... Like a wild weed that belongs in a prairie... Watchamacallit. Anyway, what I'm saying is that I am not saying goodbye. But I am not holding on anymore, either, because I've kind of given up all hopes that it will all be the same again. Kind of.

So...yeah...Uh... I think that's just about it. I had the greatest times of my life talking to you and everything... And it was nice knowing you and I'm happy for you. And I hope all your dreams and wishes come true... Whatever you may ask for... So.... Thank you for everything....

I love you.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Find Me Again

Good evening...

Half an hour ago, I decided to turn in early as I am not feeling well. But the moment I closed my eyes, this line just popped into my mind, out of nowhere. That is FIND ME AGAIN.

I don't know where I got it. Maybe I've been watching too much Korean dramas or reading way too many romance novels (I love you, Nicholas Sparks), but either way, it lead me to this realization, that once in my life, someone found me. I was astray, but he lead me home. I tried to ignore this inkling feeling to write, believe me, I did, I even made a compromise with myself, that I will blog it down first thing tomorrow morning, just not now cause I'm really tired, spent, wasted.... Whatever you want to call it. But here I am. I ended up sighing and giving in, because if I let these emotions go, they might not be the same tomorrow. That was one thing I learned from him.

Back to those days, when I was young and naive (I still am, but I improved a little. Or maybe that's what I like to think.), I was a crumpled piece of paper. There's this someone who kept on shaping and misshaping me as he pleased, trying to make me be who he wanted me to be. As I have said, I was young and naive, maybe even stupid,  and I thought I was in love so I let him dictate where my life should be headed, because when you love someone, you feel happy even with the slightest glance. Even when he treats you like crap.

It was not a good relationship, and after my heart broke enough, he threw me away like trash. Now, looking back, I feel like if I had been there watching my stupidity, I would have slapped my younger self in the face and tell her that love is not as simple as I made it out to be.

That was when the other one found me. You see, after I was thrown, carried away by the wind, he picked me up and told me that I was worth so much more. We met in April, and until now, thinking of it, what we had was what you would call a summer fling. There were problems that lay along the way, but when you feel the way I felt about him, I swear you would have no fears too, like I didn't. I was secure.

We began hanging out on May 6, this I clearly remember, because the excitement of dating for real for the first time rendered me sleepless for a few nights. He was kind hearted and easy to talk to, and believe it or not, I fell for him every single day. He had the ability to make me believe that I was somehow beautiful, and he didn't just say it; he showed it, too.

He was my first love, and when I told him that I loved him, I meant it more than I let him see. I did everything for him, like he did everything for me, and everything felt so perfect. I was literally sitting atop a cloud those day, those few months that I was with him. But what we had-it was never official.It was something special that only we could see, and we were a couple, but what kind of couple, I couldn't tell. All I knew was that I loved him, and I was living in a bubble where he was a Prince, and I was a Princess, and every love song ever made was written for the two of us.

What I didn't know was that bubbles tend to pop easily. One innocent argument grew to be two, until they multiplied before my very eyes, and one day, I woke up by reality's side. It was the 6th of August when he said goodbye. Again, this I clearly remember, because it was a beautiful and rainy afternoon, just two days before our Acquaintance Party. I was on my way home when he told me that he didn't feel the same for me anymore, just when I was about to apologize for not letting my real emotions flood through. It was the worst day of my life, my lips were quivering, and all I wanted to do was cry, but I couldn't, because I was on a passenger jeepney.

It took me more than a year to get over him. Not completely, because on the back of my mind I know that once I love someone, there's no turning back. No matter how much pain I've gone through because of them, there will still be a little space in my heart where they would reside forever. It was not easy, the first few months that I tried living without him. I forced myself to forget immediately, but because it was all so special, it was not easy. It was never easy, it never would be.

The day after he walked out of my life was the hardest. I woke up pinching myself, hoping it was all a dream, and it wasn't. And I was almost suicidal. My days were like an empty pit, and as time flew by, it got more hollow and it seemed to get darker. It was embarrassing to sit in a corner in my classroom and cry, with my classmates thinking they did something that upset me, but I did anyway. There was this one guy in school who had the same name as his, and I swear every single time he walked by and his mates called him, my head would jerk up automatically in response, hoping against hope that it was the guy I was longing for.

If all the love songs seemed to be written for us when we were together, all the heartbreak songs tore my heart a little bit more as I struggled to continue living without him. I used to have sleepless nights thinking what might have happened if he knew how strongly I felt for him. I used to regret not saying all the words that I kept within me, when they could have been my saving grace. My friends would always look at me with pity back then, because all they could read in my eyes was sorrow. They were puffy and red, and I was tired.

It took me so long to partially realize that our destinies were etched in the stars, and that stars have the tendency to explode and fall. I wrote my first name with his last, now, I don't have any idea where I put the paper.

Still, there are times when I'd stare at the stars and make a wish for someone I deserve to find me again...

Monday, June 7, 2010

Slingshot: Aimed At Everyone

Hello, I'm back with a strong will to rant, so feel free to hit the X button on the upper right corner of your browser if you are not willing to hear the truth, because I feel miserable and misery loves company. Not this time, not this time. I just want to claim my right to a nagging spree.

Okay, just in case you are living in a delicate bubble where cursing and swearing A LOT is acceptable, go away, as I'm currently holding a needle to pop your world. Let me tell you first that I am not a goody two shoes who doesn't cuss and swear when an unfortunate situation comes. I do say bad words... But only when I'm desperate and exasperated.

It just annoys me that kids right now think it's proper and acceptable that they curse as they please. Call me old fashioned, but I'm not a hypocrite. See? Saying F-CK in a sentence is not good, but we really can' avoid it at times, right? So I think we could bear with that. I could bear with that, as well as SH-T and other cuss words that I wouldn't really want to type here one by one. You get the picture. It's okay as long as you watch your words, moderate, and use them properly.

But when you start using a cuss word for EVERY SENTENCE you say, now, that's an entirely different issue. I don't know what's with cursing, I mean, do kids nowadays think it makes them seem cool and independent when they swear? If they do, then I have a very different point of view from them. It's up to you to realize who's seeing the world in a good perspective, and who's seeing otherwise.

I'll admit it here that I'm shooting one kid in particular, but you wouldn't guess who this kid is. You don't know him/her, but when I was her age, I cursed, and guess what? My aunt slapped my lips with my then newly bought slippers and it hurt a lot. I never cursed since then, I never attempted. All I'm saying is that time changes a lot of things, but things like this one (proper language and guidance from elders) shouldn't be moved by time. It will do all of us no good if you pepper every single phrase with curse words. I even think it's repulsive when I see or hear one curse like there's no tomorrow.

Sure, hit me with the overused phrase that the Philippines is a democratic country, and that we are all free to do and say what we want to. True, it is. But as Filipinos, inhabitants of this paradise, we carry within us the responsibility to preserve what polite manners our ancestors have passed along to us. I'm not saying we shouldn't curse or swear or do this or that, cause I'm not in position to dictate. We all have our own mind and emotions to help us deal with what's wrong or right, use it. Swearing doesn't make you look cool. In fact, the younger you are when you curse, the less chance you have to ever gain my respect.



I know the photo is irrelevant to the subject, or so as you might have been thinking. Well, no. I took this photo last June 1, a bridge in my Aunt's boyfriend's house. I just thought it goes well with my little rant above, because if you open up your heart and actually suck my message in, then you would understand, and finally, it would be like crossing that bridge from one side to the other. Unadultered happiness is waiting for you, mate. Happy trip.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Dreaming of Falling...

I just feel like I'm the loneliest girl today. *sigh* I don't want to bore you with my stories about days like this, but what else can I do? I need to blog to get this all off my head if only for a good ten minutes or so.

First of all, I really miss you, Louise and Vicky. You know, we keep denying to ourselves the fact that we have somehow grown apart... But it's not hard to see that we have. Or maybe it's just me that grew apart from the both of you. Well, whatever, really. Either way, we're not as bonded as we used to be. We used to be so eager to talk. I don't know what happened, but whatever it is, I love you. I do. And every single minute, it hurts to think that maybe I'll only be with you in dreams. I live in the Philippines, but part of my home, you bring with you wherever you are.

I miss Rani, too. Our random Twitter conversations with Leslie always pick me up. She's busy with studies though, so I totally understand that. I'm looking forward to talking to her again soon.

And then there's this uneasy feeling. I feel sick. They say I might have chicken pox any minute now, and I'm really scared because pain is the greatest of my fears. School's approaching, and how will I go to school if I'm sick? I don't want to be absent on our first week, cause then when I'm able to attend on the second week, everyone is already friends and I'd be left out like some kind of a freak.

I want to skip the next five years of my life, to be honest. I just want to fast forward and see what I'd be like after all these years. I want to have a regular job already. I want to go out of the country and see if the rain is just as chilly there as it is here. Mundane things like these keep me going. Sometimes, I feel like stopping everything altogether and just don't move, but somehow I keep pushing through. For reasons even reason can't find.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Even The Song Lyrics Don't Fit

Good morning. :)

It's 7 am, and I'm thinking about the future. My future. Sometimes, it scares me.

I have regrets and fears inside me. They are buried so deep that even songs can't describe them for me to explain or help you vizualize them. My dreams, my goals, my life in ten years.... What would it be like?

I'm not really sure what I want now. I think the problem is I want to be too many (people) at a time. I want to be a pastry chef and a bartender. At the same time, I want to have my own restaurant or hotel...But I don't want to start at the lowest point. See? I want to take the stairs two steps at a time, and I don't think that would get me somewhere, cause I'm not sure what I want to do with my life.

I think I'm just being pressured, being senior and all. I really hope I pass all my subjects this year. I don't know...I feel like I can't endure them. I just want to get this all over with, once and for all, cause people are counting on me.

Sometimes it feels good to slack off cause I need a break too, but it's just so easy to throw away everything when it's ONLY my future that's at stake. Now, thinking of my family's future prevents me from falling to the sides. They put their whole trust on me. I might as well be grateful and give them what they deserve.

I hope all my dreams come true, but I think I have so little time to even prepare myself for the onslaught on the way. Finding a job is hard enough. Finding a good paying job is an endless hunt. I'll strive to be the best, not for myself, but for the sake of all the people tapping my back in pride.

Hello future, ready for me?

Friday, June 4, 2010

Dancing Along The Lines

There's something about the rain...

I spent a lot of time being miserable. It's like misery is an old friend. It tricks us sometimes into thinking that it's always going to be there, that we can't be happy. But we can. We can walk away from pain. And I think the best way to do that is to believe in ourselves that we are somehow worth something. It's not important to be everything, you know. Being something alone is quite an achievement.

Do you know why we become miserable? I think it's because we are always not contented with what we have. We always strive to have more, to be more. Greed consumes humanity... I should know. I myself can be selfish at times.

It is not a secret how I love shopping and owning fancy things. I think we all have that in us. Problem is, the more I have, the more I want. Having a burning passion for something sometimes ends up to a competition, if not with one's self, with others who share the same passion. It can be dangerous because as human beings, we have this drive to prove to everybody that no one else is better. Why, I really don't know, perhaps because of the promise that succes comes with people looking up to you because you have something they want or need. That's human nature.

It might be hard to understand, but I believe all this roots from one simple thing-our desire to be admired, to have somewhere to belong, to have someone believe in us, look at us and never look away. I really can't generalize, I can only speak for myself, and it's true that having someone's entire attention focused on me is flattering. It's so good that I might even go as far as saying basking in someone's attention is like dancing in the rain. It makes me giddy, happy, and free to be me.

Sometimes, I just need someone to be there for me. I need to go to someone just to hear them say I'm beautiful, cause it makes me feel better. But sometimes, no matter how many times they call me beautiful, I don't want to hear it....unless it's from him. <3

Thursday, June 3, 2010

When The Air That I Breathe Becomes The Air That I Choke

I love Ashley Greene so much that sometimes, it hurts to know that I'll only reach her in my dreams...

Sometimes, I question God why I was born unwealthy. WHy wasn't I born rich, so that I could go to wherever she is and see her, even just for once? Wouldn't that be nice? Loving someone with all your heart and knowing that somehow, they do not have any idea about how you feel for them is the most painful thing in the world.

Admit it. We all want to be noticed. That's why we do our best to get someone's attention. Unluckily for me, I couldn't do anything. I love her so much and she means the world to me.Sometimes, I even go as far as daydreaming about meeting her, or receiving a tweet or a direct message from her. To some,these things are trivial, but we all have that in us,it just so happened that we feel differently for different people.

Now,knowing that she's going to London is awesome, and my two best friends might be there to meet her, while I will remain stuck here, dreaming of being there, meters away from them...Sometimes, life sucks too much that it makes me want to cry.The very thing I want is the one thing I can't have.

I can't put it in exact words,but I know that you know what I mean.This is the only time I feel like the things that are making me happy are now the very things that cause me tears.I know someday it would all work out fine though.I just want to get this off my chest that there's this one chance of meeting the three of them at a time,it's the best thing ever...It's hanging above my head,but it is way beyond my reach. :(

I'm Creative.

Yay. My room is squeaky clean. Hahaha.

That's hot it looked before I decided to clean it up. Err, I'm sorry, but someone said the most creative people have the messiest room. So there ya' go. I'm creative. :P

See? I could actually clean!!! yay!!! Party!!! hahaha ... I've nothing left to say. I also don't know what Tweety was doing in my bedsheet. I mean... I'm team Hello Kitty. D: MY aunt bought that for me so don't blame me.

Kay. I'll leave you with some of my favorite movies.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Tell Me, What About Us?

I'm crying right now because of this song. Perhaps listening to it while it's raining and I'm lonely was not the best idea after all.

Well....I just want to be in love again. I guess I'm in love with the idea of being in love, but trust me. This is more than flowers and late night phone calls. This is more than holding hands in theaters, or cuddling up while rain pours outside. This is more than anniversaries and long walks in the shore. This has something to do with knowing you're not alone. That someone will be there to hold your hand when you have to get a tooth pulled out of your face. It's the feeling of knowing that someone genuinely cares, whether you like it or not.

Nothing's wrong with being single, I mean, I actually enjoy the freedom most of the time. But there also comes a time when I just want to receive a text message from someone special, asking about my day, about how I feel at a given situation...Somebody to share my craziness with, and in spite of it all, I know he'll see me through.

It's just hard to find guys like that nowadays. Yesterday, my tweets were peppered with the hashtag #iwantaboy, then I ended up being lonely. It's just that, when you have had something so precious and you let it slip away, leaving you gashed and wounded, and scared of falling again because you don't know if it would be as special as the previous one, because you are wondering if anything could be better than the best. That's what I'm feeling like right now.

Anyway, I'm not like rushing or anything. I can handle myself. I'm so used to watching movies alone, that is my hobby, and I really don't think it bothers me to see happy couples walking hand in hand. It just brings back memories I'd rather forget. There's this empty hollow hole in my heart that only love can fill.

In the mean time, I think I'm stuck in spending my life with my awesome friends. I'm thankful for having them in my life. They make me forget everything that scares me, every dream that did not come true, and every single heartbreak.

I'm willing to wait for that guy who will sweep me off my feet. He, who will twirl me around even when there's no music. He who will kiss me in the rain. He who will ditch game night just so he could go stargazing with me. He who is not perfect, but will always strive to be the best version of himself, not only for me, but for everyone around him.

He who will make me smile to myself and sigh even when no one else is around. <3

New Month,New Beginnings

Good morning..

I woke up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy. Not really... Well, I don't even have a friggin idea about what it feels like to feel like P. Diddy, so I don't know. I was just messing with you.

Oh hello,June. It's back to school time in two weeks.It's just about time. I think, this is the longest summer vacation I've ever had. I'm not sure,but it really feels like that.

However,I'm not really that excited for school. That means Maths and text books and highlighters again,goodbye Nicholas Sparks and Jodi Picoult, I wouldn't be able to fit your novels in my crammed up schedule.Huh, at least there's one good thing about June... ECLIPSE!!! Oh wait let me rephrase that. At least there are two good things about June: ALICE CULLEN!!! And... *drum rolls* CONFEDERATE ARMY MAJOR JASPER WHITLOCK HALE IN UNIFORM RIDING A HORSE!!!!!! Naaaw, isn't that exciting?!

Phew, yesterday, I attended a family reunion with my maternal relatives. Last year it was fun, we had games and stuff, but yesterday it was the boring-est ever. We just ate lunch then went home. How cool is that? Meh. But I accompanied my uncle to town to have dog rabies sucked out of his head. Major eww. They shaved his hair, then cut his head with a blade then put these two horn like thingy in the wound to suck the venom. Eww. I wouldn't elaborate.

I played with my cousins in a concrete court, it was fun. We don't see each other that often. And then we ate spaghetti...and had lots of Coke. Lots is the keyword.

Despite the fun, I went home feeling as empty and unhappy as before.Perhaps I can't force two opposing sides of a magnet to wrap each other in their embrace. Read between the lines, as I wouldn't say more. It's a family thing. It saddens me everytime,but I can't do anything about it.Trust me,I tried. But there are wounds that don't heal over time. Those are the wounds watered with vengeance, selfishness, and pride.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


The fact that I cannot kiss my elbow is enough to make me realize that some things seem to be close,yet they are bound to be beyond my reach.

They always say maybe it's my destiny,or that maybe *insert someone's name here* was not meant to be in my life,or maybe their purpose is over.

What about me?I mean,they make me fall,get used to spending time with them,and then out of a sudden it's all over?It's easy to say we could move on like nothing happened,but believe me.It's easier said than done.

I know,nobody said it would be fair,or that it would be what I imagine it to be.That's why falling in love (or everything in life) is a risk.We don't know what the outcome will be.We only have vague ideas of what it might be.Still,it's not easy when you both make promises and it ends up shattered,and it's you who's left alone to pick up all the broken pieces.It's tiring,consuming,and sometimes it feels better to just give up and let it be.

Destiny.It's what most of us blame for the things that happen in our lives,but destiny is not a huge rock that you can't shake.Sure,we have our destinies written in the stars,but that doesn't mean we could make an excuse and just always blame destiny for the things that happen in our lives.I think it's called destiny because of one thing-destination.

See?The end is waiting for us.It might be a happy ending or a tragic one.It depends on how you get there, and what you did along the way.In short,you could say you were born to be an astronaut,but if you go to College and take up medicine,you'll be a doctor.In easy words: you can alter it by doing one single mistake.

The same goes for love.Falling in love is so easy,keeping it is the hardest part,because when you have to do something easy everyday,it has the tendency to get boring and dull as time passes by,and in love,you have to fall every single day to be able to keep the fire burning.Fall to the sides and you're out.I mean,when we are in love,our goals should always be straight ahead,we should keep our eyes on the prize, and never play with anyone's heart.Perhaps we are destined to be with that someone,but one single mistake can change everything.It can alter destiny.Faith is very important.We all have to have that for that one person you couldn't live without.In the end,it would be worth it.

You might think I'm a bit cynical about destiny.No,I'm a hopeless romantic and I really believe in destiny.All I'm saying is that  just because there's destiny doesn't mean we shouldn't work our way to it. Just because there's destiny doesn't mean we could lie around all day and declare that we are destined to be jobless or homeless. We are the ones who lead our lives to where we want it to be.Destiny is only as reliable as we are.If we don't aspire and work for a happy ending,we would never get it.And we,my friends,make our own destiny.

Save A Soul

I've been burying my face in my pillow these past few days.

What can I say? Hmmm... I have an aching and longing in my heart that no one could reach. It is deep enough that only my soul could touch and put it at ease.

Well,I did not come here today to blog about pain. I hate making you guys read about the sufferings I am going through as if I'm passing them all on to you.If there is one thing I'd like to do,that would be to minimize all the pain of everyone,or even just someone. I hope that's possible.

Anyway,yesterday,I got a text message from a friend saying "it's not your obligation to make everyone happy". It's not. But I want to,because that is the only way I could make myself happy.

I think I always say how satisfying it feels to be able to do good to others. It's true. People think some are doing these things to make others see that they are superior, or because they want to be praised,but trust me,it's not. When your intention is genuine,there's no greater feeling in the world than the happiness it brings when you are thanked and appreciated. point is,go out and save a soul.What do you lose if you smile at a stranger,or give someone a random hug,or tell them you love them?Nothing,right?In fact,you gain something.Love is the only thing that multiplies when it is given,remember that.

Don't be afraid to reach out and give a smile,cause you never know,maybe,your smile is the only thing someone out there needs to get them through the day.