I hate being up on hours like this, when my thoughts run deep and are on the verge of pushing me to the edge.

I feel more, and I hate that. Life scares me. It's terrifying....but daylight has its way of masking that fear so that I don't see it for what it really is.

But when it's this dark and cold, and my thoughts are free to roam endless roads, I feel it all. Everything I block when I don't have time to ponder. Everything I push away, so that I could hold myself together for one more day.

I'm so tired, and right now I feel like I can't possibly go on anymore, but I will, because I must.

My heart is for lease, if anyone's interested. I'm tired of having to feel all these emotions, all this confusion. I don't think it's worth it anymore.

I'm done trying to keep people in my life when clearly, they have something else in mind.

So my heart is for lease. Take it all away for free if it means I'll feel nothing from then on.

Square windows, kidnapped stars. Dim, unfreckled evening skies. A hole in my heart in the shape of your constant absence, my invariable longing.

Cries for help, still unheard. Stillness as waves crash to the shore, bubbles rising, then fading. Your laughter sinking away, pulled down by the harrowing tides.

Outstretched fingers, barely touching. Desperately reaching for the could have beens, the might have beens, pushing back the insistent hands of a ticking clock. 

Blackness.

One wild heartbeat, one last gasp for air. One fleeting request for room to breathe.

Silence.

Closed fists, clutching the little sliver of life left in my lungs. A strong desire to fight, a ball of fire in the frozen atlantic waters.

One kick, two legs burning to reach what lies ahead.

A steady anchor tied to my bruised ankle, the shape of the charred remains of what once was your extraordinary love.

A sinking feeling, the silver, eerie calm of an ending folded between these heavy sheets of tears. 

Silent promises. Whispered assurances.

One day. One day, you won't matter.

It sometimes just hits me how much I like you. How much I still like you, despite the uncertainties looming overhead. I don't even try fighting it anymore. What's the use? I can't shake you off. Even though it hurts sometimes...Seeing you close with other girls, hearing them make you laugh...I still like you. I don't think anything can change that fact soon.

I can't possibly put into words the way I feel right now. I wish I knew where I stand with you.

Sometimes, all a person ever wants is to get through the day without another soul judging them for their choices, for the things they like, for the way they are.  It's so normal for most of us that we usually take it for granted, but for this one person, if they could come home at night, lay down their bed and go straight to sleep, skipping the overthinking or crying their eyes out part for once, it means the world has granted them one wish, the one they beg for in their prayers at night. For them, it could mean the world. 

People always remind us to be kind, to smile at a stranger because that might just be what they need to live another day, to spare one kind word for our troubled friends, because they need to know that someone still cares, but sometimes, you don't have to do or say a thing to make someone's day. Sometimes, they just need you to go out of your way not to make them feel like a walking mistake. Because feeling like the world would be a better world without you....well, that thought kills.

There are things from our past that will keep haunting us with each step, eachcarefully calculated breath.

There are things we have done that will never be gone despite all the suffering we have already endured to make sure the consequences are over with.

There are words we have said that will echo in our heads until we hear nothing but the nagging tone of our past and future mistakes.

There will be times when there will be nothing we can do about these things but to keep our feet firm on the ground, marching on, enduring every fall. 

Some days will be better than others.

But when there's somewhere you want to go, or something you want to do, or someone you want to be, then nothing should be able to stop you.

Keep moving. It can always get better.

You lose someone, and you spend the rest of your days trying to fill the void they leave in your very soul. One day, you'll wake up and think, finally, you're okay. But some days are better than others. You keep praying to keep your streak, but soon, it all crumbles down, as if only a minute has passed since your heart was ripped from your chest. 

You'll realize that no beautiful places and no pretty faces can make you whole again. You'll realize that no song is sad enough and no movie is good enough to make you lose the emptiness hovering over your head.

You'll spend the rest of your days wondering if suffering and pain really do have an end.

I have lost 

The sound of your voice

Somewhere between

Our senseless bickering

And I now I seek

The comfort of your presence

That I seem to have taken for granted

When you were more

Than just a second blink

Just a chilly breeze

More than a ghost

Haunting me till sleep.

I don't know what it is that brings me here, but I feel so empty tonight. May e I'm just tired, maybe I'm just thinking too much of the future that will come soon enough, anyway, I don't know. I don't know, and that's what bothers me most.