I woke up really early today. I've been one of those people with too much time in their hands.Ones who were anxious for something,and that thing just couldn't come to me soon enough.If I were in a movie,I would have been pacing back and forth.
Have you ever felt so empty,so sad and lifeless that you didn't know what to do? I told myself I'll be fine.I thought if I spilled it all out in paper,everything would be better.But I was wrong.I wasn't inspired,so when I held the pen,nothing came out. I just stared at the paper,its blankness mirrored mine,and the next thing I knew,my tears were dropping quickly one by one,marking it just like the rain marks the ground.
When my father died, 8 years ago, I wasn't sure how I felt. I cried,of course,but I couldn't tell if I was crying because I was in pain,or simply because it was expected of me.I wasn't close to him.I didn't grow up knowing who he was,what he liked,how he felt about certain things. And so I came to the conclusion that just because people were born with different fates and taking different paths doesn't mean bonds aren't supposed to form between us.
We pray so hard for particular things.Please,don't let him die.But people die all the time,anyway.Does this mean God isn't listening? I prayed for some things,one with more intensity than the other. I've made bargains-give me this and I won't (insert bad deed here) again.We try hard to keep our faiths,but some things just happen,and that faith is shaken until we start questioning,why me? Why now?
I'm not writing this to provide those questions with even the farthest possible answers,because I'm not God,and I doubt that even God can or will answer them.I'm doing this to raise more questions,possibly,because now more than ever,I'm confused with life.
Why do some things seem to only happen to me? One day,I'd lose my laptop.When I've found a way to acquire a new one,I'm almost prepared to lose my phone or something as important,and more often than not,I'm right.Why? Because we can't always have it both ways.Life doesn't work that way.In order to gain something,we've got to let go of something else in return,and no,it's never a pleasant feeling.But we have to look at the brighter side if we want to keep our sanity intact. How will you be able to pick something up if your hands are full?Sometimes,you have to decide which you need more,regardless of how much you like the other one.But what if you just don't want to pick it up?What if you're already contented with having what you're being asked to lose?
Not everyone is given a second chance,not even a choice sometimes.Life's strange,you'd say,and I used to just laugh at your profoundness.Now,I miss it.I miss you. I'd like to scream at your face and say I told you so,when all I really want to do is to ask you to fight and not give in to this.
You have been given a second,a third, a fourth chance. Now you're being given a choice. Wake up. There are so many things you have to hear from me.
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