I'm trying to find ways to kill this sadness before it gets strong enough to kill me.

Yesterday was not so bad. I went to the gym with my sister to blow off some steam. I want my heart to be strong. The other week, I was out drinking with my friends and my heart started palpitating just when it was starting to be fun. So drinking is out of the question. I figured, if I can't wash away my sadness with alcohol, then maybe I can sweat it out.

So I went to the gym with my sister. I was able to do 15 minutes on the exercise bike and some lifting (no wights yet, just the bar) before I felt the ground crumbling beneath my feet, the world spinning, me losing hold of where I was, who I was. I was soaked in my own sweat, and I've never felt better, but at the back of my mind, I knew I found another way to die if I ever felt like it.

Which leads me here. I can go to the gym, but I can't exert too much effort. My heart just can't take it, literally. I'll still go, though. I enjoyed it too much to quit.

Today was one of the good days, if good days mean staying in bed till noon and biking in the rain. I made one wrong turn and fell off the side of the road which gave me a gash on the left shin, but it was nothing serious. I feel so, so alone, even though I know I'm not.

It's sad to be surrounded by people you call friends, knowing none of them cares enough to really look at you, for one second, so they see that you're drowning. Maybe I look like I have my shit together, but I honestly don't. Each day that passes, it's harder for me to get out of bed and just live. It's so hard to make the conscious decision to be alive for one more day, but I'm too scared to take that one leap that will end all of this.

Maybe there's a reason for everything that's happening right now, or maybe not. It all depends on what you believe in, right? I don't even have that. I don't even have the strength to believe in anything anymore. I want to bleed, I want to feel something, anything, just to make sure that I'm still here, I'm still alive. 

For now, I know I am. For a reason, too, I know.