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Thursday, October 14, 2010

My Heart Is So Broken,Rejecting Your Love.




I'm not supposed to be acting this weird. I just went home,kicked my shoes off, collapsed on the couch and slept with my school uniform on. I feel so blank. I want to be someone else, somewhere else.

I saw a girl walking home,towing her huge school bag behind. Scattered paths of sunlight blinded me for a while, and then it hit me.I don't know what I'm living for right now. It feels like the past few weeks are just a blur,like I'm some kind of a stray leaf being blown away by the wind. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere new.

I need an escape and I don't even know what I'm running away from. I just feel so completely lonely. I feel like I'm missing out on the world. I want to be able to skip away and giggle and just be pure again. I want to have my bright eyes back,the eyes of a child that only saw wonders and beauty. Right now, pain is all around me. When I was little, I saw the stormy days as break days from school, not a threat for my fellows' lives. I wish I could be that innocent again. I wish I could...just...fly. Away from this horrible world.

I walked the concrete pavement,listening to the sound of my heels kissing its muddy surface, listening to the vehicles roaming about,listening to my neighbors gossip about the latest who's who, listening to the buzzing of the bees,the swaying of the trees.All of them were doing something.What was I doing?What am I doing?Why am I still here?

My mind is ridiculously messed up right now but I'm trying to erase it all with a smile.Why can't people see how hard you're trying to be good enough for them? It's all beyond my understanding. I just want to take each person who feels as terrible as I do now and pull them in for a hug. I miss everything. I miss my friends. I miss the sound of our laughter and the way we would sing a song on the bus for hours on end. I just want to feel like I'm not as useless as I think I am...

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