I am almost always asked how I manage to just shrug everything off like nothing is ever a big deal for me.

My answers change regularly, of course. One time, I said it was because there was nothing else I could do about it, so there'd be no sense in dwelling. Another time, I just said that was how it had always been for me.

What I always want to say, if I'm being perfectly honest, is that I don't know. Maybe I have a way with words, but I have a hard time explaining myself to people. I feel like it's going to sound really cold if I just say that I lack the ability to care enough.

Which is true, in a way.

I do get upset, even with the littlest things. I'm the most hot headed person I know. But usually, I just let things go. I have this quote in my mind at all times: Sometimes, you have to let things go, simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.

When someone or something means a lot to me, I find it hard to let them go. It's not easy when you invest emotions and feelings on things or people. Feelings, which, as a guarded person, you usually keep to yourself or simply ignore. But once in a while, a human being or a dream, or even a story inside a book can stir feelings in you that you will not be able to contain. And so you set these feelings free, because you've grown comfortable and you've familiarize yourself with the idea that this person, or thing, or story inside a book will always be there. When you've reached that level of comfort, there's no turning back. You don't think about the end, even though in the back of your mind, you know something this good can't last forever. You take that thought and file it in a locked drawer in the farthest corner of your soul, somewhere your fragile mortal memory can't reach.

And then, things fall apart.

Sometimes, you feel it slip away, like the sand you tried to cage in your palm on a family vacation at the beach when you were nine years old and didn't know better. Sometimes, it is an earthquake shattering your world to pieces when just a minute ago, you were picking flowers and humming along to Ingrid Michaelson. You've always known that the Earth has these fault lines that move every once in a while, but you didn't think the rules applied to you.

And then you find out that when they say these things happen, you don't have the convenience nor the right to think, not to me, they won't.

Maybe I'm overthinking this, or maybe I've had an earthquake in my life one too many times, but one day, I decided that I've shed enough tears for the things that didn't really mean much to me. I get hurt, still, all the time. A passing comment about my current weight gain equals one little stitch falling from my tattered self esteem. An accusation wrapped in two of the Earth's sweetest words from a friend: you've changed, can easily darken even the best of my days. 

So, in reality, things haven't changed much around here. I have all these silly little glitches everyday, and everyday, I face them. It's not that life got easier, believe me, it didn't. And I'm guessing it never will. It's just the way things are. What you can change, though, is your attitude towards all the negativity. I don't know when I've mastered this, but I just came to a time when I thought, okay, I'll give everything my best shot, and if it works out, then good, I'll have something to celebrate. If it doesn't, then I can let it go with the knowledge that there really isn't anything I could have done anymore.

I lose in competitions. I get bad scores in quizzes. I lose weight, people talk. I gain weight, people talk. I do what I can to please people, they talk behind my back. I do what I want for myself, they talk, still. They always will. So I stopped caring about what other people think. The first thing that matters when something happens is how I feel about it. I try to see if it makes me sad, or happy, or excited about life, and I go from there. There's nothing like the freedom I feel when I know I'm not living my life based on anyone else's standards. Through that, I feel like I can do anything. I know that I can do anything.