Silence....it's underrated.

I love mornings like this when I wake up and realize that the air still smells like last night's rain. It's one of the things that calm me; one of the few things that say sit back, things are under control.

I'd like to think that I know what I'm doing, but really, I don't. One moment, I hate a certain person, and the next, I feel like I'm crazy for even thinking I could hate them. My aunt is in the kitchen, telling us to cook our food, which is not a bad thing, never, except she doesn't seem to know the difference between speaking and yelling. She always does that, and I hate it. She washes the dishes and puts them on the rack, and every single time, it's a noisy affair. It's not a big deal, but when it's something you hear everyday, you either stop caring or you start caring too much. Sometimes, I just don't care. I let her be however noisy she wants to be. Most times, I take a deep breath and ask myself, what the eff is her problem now? Cause it never seems to stop. It's like she hates the world, and I don't know why. It makes me hate the world, too.

I like staying in my head. It's easier to deal with myself than face the truth, but it's scary. Sometimes, I build up so many fantasies in my mind that they start being my reality, and the real reality starts being too hard for me to take. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Maybe I'm just a dreamer, trying to create a new world because I can't fix the one I'm in.

I'm falling too deep into this pit of unexplainable sadness, and I'm falling fast. I'm scared that one day, I'd lose myself and I wouldn't care at all.

I came here because I love a boy who will never love me.

 I.

Who would have thought we’d end up like this? It’s strange how small things tend to cause the biggest differences. How one falling stone can turn into one huge boulder blocking one’s path, making it impossible to cross from one side to another. I never thought this would happen, but today you’re there on the sunny side of life, and I can’t even say for sure if I cross your mind every once in a while. And I am here, in a place where I can still hear your promises echo through the walls. Suffocated with memories of us. Trapped. 

II.

“Whatever happens,” you said, “you’ll have this to remember me by.”

Slowly, I felt the pen’s round tip dance along the inside of my palm, each graceful curve and sharp turn blooming into something more –  little snippets of scenes that strongly define our story, like the way your eyes crinkled when I first saw you smile, or how you held my hand gently and spun me around. It’s ironic how it did not last a whole day, but I can still feel the word carved in the palm of my hand, and hear your voice reading it out loud: REMEMBER.

III.

I don’t know why I’m so hung up on you. I never liked you that much, to begin with. So what has losing you done to me? Why do I care so much now that I’m even putting myself through a lot of unnecessary pain just for the sake of getting you to look at me and see someone you can’t take your eyes off of? Do you even see me now? Sometimes, I can feel you staring, but I’m so scared of breaking the connection that I force myself not to turn around and smile. It really hurts, though.

There comes a time in life when you just let go of everything that weighs you down...

...And you finally feel your feet getting lifted off the ground.

People always say don't mind the haters and that you can't please everybody, but I know for a fact how difficult that can be. To just decide to be the bigger person and turn the other cheek and go, especially when you've been expecting so much more from the other person involved.

I've had my fair share of small, and some bigger ridicules. We can't avoid this because 1.- As cliche as it may sound, nobody's perfect, and 2.- Even if a perfect person exists, there's always that one jealous human being that will try and step on her just because. So basically, the moment you are conceived, you have signed up on a contract that says the world would surely try to fuck you up and bury you alive - it's up to you to stand your ground or claw your way out.

You wouldn't believe how low I've been feeling today. Sometimes, some people I love just don't get it. They don't understand that words can hurt more than physical blows do. They'll call me names and make fun of me and laugh, and I laugh with them as if I find the joke funny, but deep inside, I'm bleeding raw, especially when it's the same "joke" over and over again. It gets old and tiring. So I'm pretty much in a position to say I know how it feels to be bullied. I face it everyday with the people I think so highly of.

There's this little girl, she's my neighbor's daughter but grew up in my family's care. Yesterday, I brought her swimming with us. She's on the heavy side cause she likes to eat, so they started calling her fat, a pig, and God forbid, a whale. I kept telling them to stop, because it hurts me more than anyone could ever see. I love that girl and I wasn't just going to sit there and watch them tear her apart. But they didn't listen cause they thought they were being funny. People just don't realize the effects of bullying especially on kids. This girl, she refused to eat the whole day yesterday. And until now, writing about it, I can't help but feel the now familiar streak of hate that I feel for them. It took all of me not to lose myself and blurt out all their imperfections one by one.

I guess it's human nature. We don't ever realize how badly our actions affect someone until we see any physical evidence. Sometimes, I feel like they'd be happier with me dead, but I refuse to give them that satisfaction. The scary part, though, is that sometimes, I do feel like maybe I'll be better off dead. Imagine a place where you could just be yourself and not be judged for it. Imagine being able to make mistakes and not having people holding a grudge against you because of them. Sometimes, I plan my own funeral in my head just so I could picture all their guilty faces and read all their curious thoughts, wondering if they were one of the reasons why.

But I know that life doesn't work that way. It happens to me a lot of times, but it isn't always dark and gloomy. There are good times, too, and although they may be outnumbered by the bad, I just try to visualize myself being successful in the future, and just thinking about them finally looking at me as a person instead of a laughing matter is enough to get me by. It still hurts me, of course, but I've come to accept the fact that no matter what I do, I can't hold in my palm other people's words and actions and I can't bend them to my will, but I can turn the negative thoughts into something brighter, just enough to get me through one day.

A teacher once told me that I had excellent goals in life, but I didn't have to feel like I need to reach those goals to prove something to anyone, and now I realize how right she was. This is my life, and I'll live it the way I want to. I'll comb my hair when I feel like it, and I'd rather be fat than starve myself thin. Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind, they don't matter. It's as simple as that.

Here's to us.

Once again, today, the universe has found a way to show me how important every second is. I'm so thankful to be alive, to have a roof above my head and clean air to breathe. I'm so thankful.

To all my friends, I just want each and every one of you to know that your presence is valued and your absence never goes unnoticed. Each one of you has contributed something that became a part of me, so whether we've said goodbye or not, whether we're still friends or almost strangers, never forget that a part of me is carrying some other part of you. We are atoms that make up a matter, something indestructible. Something even death can't touch.

Because of this, I'm telling you now, yes, you, the one who reads this, that you have no right to ever feel alone for as long as I'm here. Maybe I don't know you yet, but a lot of good things can begin with a simple hello. I would like to be your friend. I would like to listen to you, to talk to you if you want me to. I would like to help you, please, whatever you're going through. Let me help you. Give me a chance to get to know you.

I feel like my heart is going to burst with so much love today. Usually, we let things pass and go unnoticed, but I'm not letting that happen today. I'm telling you, yes, you, the one who's reading this right now, that I love you. I love you, and I always will. It matters not if I know you or not. It matters not your religion, your skin color, your sexual orientation, your financial and social status. Those are just numbers, and I never really liked Math very much. I love you. Tell me your name and I'll love you more.

Please, people. If you need anything that I am capable of giving, please don't hesitate to ask. Nothing makes me feel better than helping a friend in need. I want to know all about you and I won't judge you for the choices you make, cause I make mistakes too. I just want you not to feel alone, to stay with us here.

Because the world is such a beautiful place with you in it.

You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness.

I guess I'm just another sentimental fool, you know, letting small things bring me down, when they don't even weigh anything.

I keep saying I don't like feeling like this but in fact, I keep coming back for more. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I like being sad and lonely and I don't think that's a bad thing. 

I don't really know what to say anymore. There are just no words to describe how I feel. It would sound crazy if I said I'm happy that I'm lonely, wouldn't it?

Sometimes I wish I could just sit on my window and sing Moon River.

I don't even have a window.

Moon River

Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.

 

© 1961 Paramount Music Corporation

Falling in love with you.

Falling in love with you was like waking up after a long nap. I didn't realize that I had almost forgotten how good it felt to be well rested again, until you showed me. I missed out on a lot, and you helped me catch up. I tried so hard to break my fall, but when I saw you, I saw, too, that this kind of falling didn't hurt at all.

Staying in love with you was never a choice I had to make. Each new day dawned, and I just knew, like I knew for sure the color of the sky, like I knew for sure the way the corners of your eyes crinkled when you smiled, that I was right where I was supposed to be. I belonged there, as much as the leaves belonged to the trees, and the trees to the Earth. I never had to question myself if I was happy. There was no place in my mind for second guessing, however difficult it was to keep you. However far from my my grasp you slipped.

Falling out of love with you was the very one thing I never imagined I would do. There were times when I told myself, "I can't", but I did it, and I had. I looked back on everything we have been through and wonder where we went wrong. I rummaged through my memories of you to figure out exactly when things started spinning out of control, but I could not find anything that would answer my questions.

Staying out of love with you is a decision I have to make every single day. Sometimes, when I'm feeling charitable, I set myself free and let my desires flick through pictures of you. I let myself be carried away to the time when it felt like the world was made of two people, you and I, but only to a certain extent. Some days, I almost feel like I've done it, I've crossed the very thin line that separates my happiness from you. Some days are better than others.

Isn't it sad now, how you can't even look at me and say you're sorry? Isn't it terrible how I look you straight in the eyes and say I'm okay?

How we love.

I have just finished listening to Ingrid Michaelson's latest album, Human Again. The title of this post was inspired by my favorite track off of it.

I have been itching to blog for days, but it never really occurred to me what to blog about, so I left it alone. I told myself that I should not force my mind to produce something to write about. When the time came, I'd know.

I have just been surfing Facebook, when this link a friend of mine liked appeared on my news feed. It was one of those phenomenal stuff now that dominates the site, a picture, on this instance, of a couple, and a touching story for a caption. The story was a long one so I really would not bother putting it here, also because I am fairly sure I will not be able to cite the source, but it was about the concept of being too late.

I guess, as human beings, we're all guilty of taking things for granted every once in a while. Reading that story, however fictitious it was, made me realize how wrong my assumption of myself was. You see, I may have low self esteem, but more often than not, I satisfy myself by thinking that I am good enough, that I have been good enough and that in case I die today, I have nothing to be ashamed of.

How deeply wrong I was.

One example of this is how I treat my aunt. I respect her, of course, she was the one who raised me like her own child, but sometimes, there are things that even the utmost respect cannot mask. There are things that even respect cannot make an excuse for, like the way I always complain about her cooking, or how I get annoyed when she washes my clothes and I find them ruined with bleach and other stuff.

What I didn't see all these years, that I'm only starting to see now is that my aunt is not getting any younger. Of course, she's making more mistakes than ever because her hands are feeling cramped, or she is overly tired, or her eyes are getting bleary. Still, I never seemed to see any of this. I am spoiled, and I grew up having these things handed over to me, no questions asked. I never had to wash any item of clothing nor did I have to cook a grain of rice if it could be helped.

Anyway, in that story, the husband narrated how he fell out of love with his wife and started spending more time with another woman. His wife, clearly hurt but still noble, asked for a month together before she could give him the divorce he so blatantly asked for. She set some conditions that brought them closer together until one day, her husband realized that he did not want a divorce anymore. He went to the other woman's house, told her that he was staying with his wife, then bought a bunch of flowers and came home, only to find his wife on the bed, dead.

It made me realize that life really is too short to waste any time not being nice to anyone. I know it was just a story, but it has affected me more than it should because I know, too, that it happens in real life. People die all the time, and most of those people die without hearing their loved ones say how much they are loved because we are all too caught up with the idea of "next time". Sometimes, we never even worry about going out and forgetting to tell our moms, or our sisters or brothers, that we love them or care about them, because in our minds, we think it's silly cause we're seeing them again in a few hours or so.

I guess this is the part where the line better safe than sorry comes. Tell them. Tell them now. Or this moment just passes by. Another wasted time.

I don't know where to start.

Today is my sister's birthday. I can't believe January's halfway over, but really, when did time ever slow down?

So, in February, I have to get an original copy of my birth certificate from NSO. I have to get it before March or April (graduation season) to avoid inconvenience. Then, by March, I'd have to pull out my records from my old university, which apparently costs Php 9,000.00, more or less, so I can register as early as April, again, to avoid inconvenience. I'm really nervous about the registering part cause I'm not sure if this new school will accept me. It's hard enough to be a transferee, what more to be a transferee with bad records?

But I'm not giving up on this. I'm coaching myself to keep looking at the bright side of things. This is my future. The next few years are going to define how the rest of my life will turn out, and honestly, I'm not going down without a fight. I'm not going down, period.

Financially, we're struggling right now. I can only imagine how much harder it's going to be in June, when both my sister and I are in college. I'm hoping I could get a job to at least pay for some of my own basic needs and maybe save up for a few trips to see my friends on sem break, but right now, my priority is to be able to get through these intricate ways out of my old college and into a new one.

Honestly, I'm scared. I' turning 21. It's not that easy to throw a fish into a new body of water and expect it to blend in immediately, but i just remind myself that a fish does not drown, so long as it keeps swimming. And that's what I' going to do. I'm going to swim my ass off until I conquer the sea, and I know that one day, I'll look back at this moment and know that I've done the right thing.

Nice to meet you, too, 2012.

Everything just feels so wrong today. I'm very sad, and I've been crying since morning. My tears just won't stop falling. It's one of those days when I wish my life was a video game, so I could skip today and see if tomorrow is any better.

I wonder what happened to me. I used to be so happy about things, and now all I feel is this sensation is my chest that feels like someone's pricking my heart with a thousand needles, deeper and deeper until I bleed red and never be able to feel the next wave of pain. I've thought about drinking a bottle of ant poison or dish washing liquid, honestly, I have, but I'm too scared of losing my breath that I never actually did it.

I want this suffering to end. I want to stop picturing my own funeral in my head. I always think about what everyone would say about me when I'm dead. Would they finally see how hard I've tried to reach out to them? How I spend my whole life worrying that they're not happy with me? Why I did all the things I did that disappointed them? Yes, I am to blame. But am I the only one? Am I really alone in this?