Wednesday, October 14, 2015

I've been reading a lot of books lately, and I realize now that most books of the young adult genre focus on suicide and depression, and most of them romanticize the idea, as if there's something beautiful to see in it.

I guess they have one purpose,  that is to get the message across that none of it is romantic or beautiful at all. It's serious, and when you're in it too deep, you actually end up getting buried, and very few are saved by the new boy at school, or the one you meet online that turns out to be a really amazing human being.

I know how hard it is to even want to pick yourself up after stumbling down so many times. It takes so much effort, and most times it doesn't seem worthy. I've been there, sad to say. I was so proud of myself for being so hauntingly beautifully sad without feeling the need to "catch the bus" as they apparently call it, but one day, I woke up to find that the part of me who had no reason to live has won. I've entertained the idea one too many times. There was as afternoon I was heading home that I almost got hit by a bus, and all I could think of was how exhilarating it was.

I'm so far from being the person I was three years ago. I'm so far from healing, from feeling okay again. It will take time. I'm not considering taking that path anymore, and maybe right now I'm in an easier place, but I still have a long way to go. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, and even if I do, I can't begin to imagine how hard it would be to open myself up, make myself vulnerable, lay my secrets bare before anyone. I don't even trust people these days. Anyone nice has an ulterior motive, and anyone who isn't just isn't worth my time. 

There are no words for how hard it is to fight this battle, to tell yourself to open your eyes each morning, to convince yourself not to listen to that dark voice in your head, telling you the easy way out. If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, self harm, or suicidal thoughts, please, seek help and offer help. Know that there's someone who loves you, needs you, whose life is infinitesimally better just because you are in it. It's gonna take some time and a lot of strength, but as humans, the truth is, who do we have if not each other?

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