Saturday, October 10, 2015

I'm gonna lay it bare tonight. I'll tell you of all the sadness, of all the effort it takes to get through every day.

I've been listening to Hello, I'm In Delaware by City and Colour a lot lately. I don't know how a person could feel so much yet be so hollow at the same time. I want to claw at my skin. I want to take myself apart, piece by piece, to find what I've been missing all this time, to see which part needs fixing.

There's someone I love, and I wish I could say it's all easy, it's all okay. But life is more complicated than that. There's someone I love, and yes, he loves me, but not enough, and not in the way I'm ready to offer myself to him, heart included. In this exact moment, he's fading. Not only from my life, but from the world.

Lately, I feel like a bystander in my own life. I've never liked any attention being focused on me, but now that I feel invisible, I'm craving for someone to look me in the eye even as I laugh, shake their head and say no, you're not okay. I don't buy your bullshit, and you're not okay. Maybe one of these days, I'll be brave enough to admit it, and that I haven't been okay for a while. Maybe I'll ask them out for coffee, and together, we can figure out why.

I used to feel so much bigger than this. I've always been able to tell myself that everything will fall in its rightful place in time, but right now, I'm finding it so hard to believe that. All I know is sadness, and I'm not even sad about it. I wish I was sad about it.

I don't know what I want, but I know I don't want this. I don't want to do that again. To wake up in the mornings knowing a part of me has been severed, like a limb torn, its absence echoed by the searing pain of what is left behind. I don't want to know what it's like to lose a friend all over again. I don't want my heart to die. I don't want whatever beginning is wrapped up in this looming ending, and frankly, I'd rather live everyday knowing I wasn't chosen than be here realizing there wasn't really much of a choice in the first place.

Please, help me help you.

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