Monday, November 9, 2015

On forgiving our misgivings...

Nobody ever thought to stop and tell me that you can miss a person so much, you feel their absence as much as their presence when they're sitting right beside you. Nobody gave me a guide book and said, here's a list of all the people you'll ever meet, of whom some will fuck you up so bad, you'll feel the knife twisting in your back even years later. Nobody said anything about crying yourself to sleep, or going through the motions. I didn't know it was possible to live for the sake of living until it was all I knew how to do.

The clock on my table says 12:29 AM, Monday. I have class tomorrow, we have a quiz, we still have to encode the results of our pre-test for our thesis. I have a lot to do, and yet, my mind has thoughts about nothing but the only person I realy wouldn't want to think about right now.

Do you know what it feels like when you trust someone with all of you, only to have them turn on you? And even though all along, you expected them to hurt you, because really, that's all you've ever known, their betrayal still comes as a surprise because you actually thought maybe, just maybe, this one time, the universe could afford to be kind. It sucks, right? It's one of the worst things in the world, and if you're going to be honest about it, you can't even be mad at them because you're already so mad at yourself for falling for their tricks twice.

Maybe I've been putting my faith in the hands of all the wrong people, or maybe he's looking for absolution in all the wrong places, but we have one thing in common. We've both left part of ourselves out, sitting under a cold trickle of constant criticisms and misgivings, and now we have no way of wriggling out of our hardened selves. It's hard to think that this is how it's going to be now, but I know no other way. I can't deal with anyone or anything else until I know how to forgive myself. It's about time I forgive myself.

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