Tuesday, November 17, 2015

To hell with being liked only when I'm conforming to whatever society deems acceptable, good, and up to their ever changing standards.

I've been shedding off my insecurities one by one, and I like what I see now, I think. When I look in the mirror, I see me, not that version of me I dreaded every morning upon waking - someone who smiles to please everyone else, even though inside, I'm retching. To hell with everyone who only know me when they need something from me - you're as good as dead to me now.

Society, I've been told since I was small - I was either too fat or too thin. My family did not have enough money to buy a basket of fruits and vegetables for my teachers, and so I never really had a chance to be top of the class even when I deserved it. I was never given a fair chance because they were pressuring my family to enter me into a money / popularity contest, and my family actually believed the thing was trivial, superficial at best. I saw, at a very young age, what money could do, and the amount of respect society was willing to give you as soon as they see you rolling in some greens.

I was too opinionated, too hard headed, only because I didn't share some people's beliefs and I was not shy about voicing it out, but as soon as I tried being quiet, I was an outcast, I was someone who didn't know how to deal with my fellow humans.

To hell with you, society, for planting seeds of years of self doubt and insecurities that plagued my childhood and most of my early adult years. I have learned to zip my lips when someone would criticize me with destructive words just so I would not offend them; I don't do that anymore. If I could go back and talk to my seven year old self, I would tell her that no matter how hard she'd try, she'd never be good enough for you because you'd always have something else to look for. When she'd locked herself up to study, study, study, you'd need her to be pretty, too. I'd tell her to look people in the eyes and tell them how their words feel like a knife to her gut, but that in the end, those words say more about them than her. I'd tell her to look for the good in people, but never expect them to give her the same treatment, because people are quick to judge without understanding.

I have lived my life trying to shape myself up to your liking, and that's the biggest mistake I'll ever make. It all ends now, society, and if I had a pedestal and a microphone, this is what I'd tell you: I don't care if I'm not someone you want seeing around, or if I'm someone you'd want your children to be friends with. To hell with you and your unrealistic standards, I was born to break the mold.

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