My Tired Heart Is Beating So Slow.

There must be something wrong with me. I keep losing my friends,it's not even funny. It's breaking my heart.

Tonight,more than ever,I miss my childhood. I miss being so carefree that the hardest choice to make would be which pair of socks to wear.I remember those things. Lacey, ruffled at the edges,where my stick thin shins began. I remember crying because I wanted t sit on a red chair in class and unfortunately, every red chair in the room was taken.

I miss my Dad. I miss him asking me if I wanted an ice cream cone,I miss him throwing me in the air,and catching me just before I hit the ground.The times I spent with him were numbered,each one remembered clearly because they're all rare. I miss the sound of his faded blue jeans rubbing against each other while his feet trailed on the rice fields,hitting dew kissed grass on the way while he carried me sitting on his shoulders,a paperweight porcelain doll clinging on to his tattered baseball cap for support.

I miss my Mom. I miss the way she would reprimand me for forgetting about what she asked me to do again. I miss how she once made me say vinegar over and over again before asking me to buy it from the store,and how her face turned when she saw me walking home with nothing because on the way, I was singing vinegar, vinegar to a tune I made up, and then occasionally sang soy sauce,and got confused about which I needed to buy.

I miss being so innocent that nothing anyone says makes me suspicious. Now, I dissect every word I hear or read and scrutinize them carefully, trying to figure out which is true and which isn't. It's sad how the world makes monsters of each one of us.I used to kick myself silently each time I cursed.Now,I do it as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

I feel so lonely. I just want to curl up and cry,but even my tears refuse me.I regret all the bad things I've said in my life.I wonder what good they did me. I just don't feel myself right now and I hate it. I have this strange feeling of dreading something and wishing time would just freeze,but at the same time,I'm wishing it would just tick away mercilessly so I could get it all over with.


My heart is so broken.