For Once,Things Are As Bright As They Seem.

Sometimes,we walk so often in the dark that we come so close to forgetting what it feels like to see the light. It's like losing hope, letting go of all the faith you've had, and just letting the waves take you to the shore.

Life, my friends,as we all know it, doesn't always happen the way we want it to. There'd be problems and struggles,we'd fall to our knees, there'd be those awful days when we'd look in the mirror, touch our hair or the lines in our faces, and say "God, I look terrible."

What I learned lately is that life will always suck for those who always think it sucks. It all depends on how you deal with it. Positive thoughts emit positive energy, in my opinion, and I've decided to take a stand and instead of trying to prevent myself from getting carried away by the waves, I started to learn to swim with the current. Go with the flow until I can touch the sand again, until the storm is calm, until I can get hold of everything again.

It makes me sad that we complain so much about the things we don't have. I'm guilty of this. But last night, I was on the bus, headed home. It was 11 in the evening, it was freezing cold, and the streets are dark. A table was laid out on the street. It was lit by a kerosene lamp. On the table was a bottle of vinegar, a basket of balot (boiled premature duck eggs, a famous Filipino street food), and chicharon, and packets of cigarettes. An old lady is manning this tabe, clad in two jackets, watching the cars pass by, probably hoping someone would buy from her some time.

That got me thinking really hard. What if that old lady was my grandmother? You might say I overreacted, but I was on the verge of tears. I was thinking of possible reasons why my grandmother might end up being a street vendor, and the only reason I could think of was myself. I know, deep down in my being that if needed be, my grandmother would do that for me. To be able to put food in my plate. To be able to throw clothes on my back. That old lady must be working for her grandchildren,too, and there I was, barely contented with the things I already have.

To some of you,it may be just like, "Oh, she's being dramatic again, blah blah blah," and I won't blame you, because we're different people. The greatest love I know is the love I have for my grandmother, and all through these years I've been taking a lot of things for granted,and not once did she complain. It's funny how the smallest things could wake us up from our deepest slumbers sometimes. I don't know what has gotten into me, but as soon as I was done thinking about the things I have, and burying all the things I don't have in the back of my mind, I felt better.

I have everything anyone could ever need. The things I don't have,those are some of the things I want,but don't really need. Life has a strange way of showing it to us, but it can be everything we want it to be, if only we'd see things diferently.

Today, I feel better than I've ever felt before. I feel lighter, happier. I've learned to accept my flaws and embrace everything I am, as well as everything I'm not. I've got what I need, what I love. This should make me smile for the rest of my life.

My Tired Heart Is Beating So Slow.

There must be something wrong with me. I keep losing my friends,it's not even funny. It's breaking my heart.

Tonight,more than ever,I miss my childhood. I miss being so carefree that the hardest choice to make would be which pair of socks to wear.I remember those things. Lacey, ruffled at the edges,where my stick thin shins began. I remember crying because I wanted t sit on a red chair in class and unfortunately, every red chair in the room was taken.

I miss my Dad. I miss him asking me if I wanted an ice cream cone,I miss him throwing me in the air,and catching me just before I hit the ground.The times I spent with him were numbered,each one remembered clearly because they're all rare. I miss the sound of his faded blue jeans rubbing against each other while his feet trailed on the rice fields,hitting dew kissed grass on the way while he carried me sitting on his shoulders,a paperweight porcelain doll clinging on to his tattered baseball cap for support.

I miss my Mom. I miss the way she would reprimand me for forgetting about what she asked me to do again. I miss how she once made me say vinegar over and over again before asking me to buy it from the store,and how her face turned when she saw me walking home with nothing because on the way, I was singing vinegar, vinegar to a tune I made up, and then occasionally sang soy sauce,and got confused about which I needed to buy.

I miss being so innocent that nothing anyone says makes me suspicious. Now, I dissect every word I hear or read and scrutinize them carefully, trying to figure out which is true and which isn't. It's sad how the world makes monsters of each one of us.I used to kick myself silently each time I cursed.Now,I do it as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

I feel so lonely. I just want to curl up and cry,but even my tears refuse me.I regret all the bad things I've said in my life.I wonder what good they did me. I just don't feel myself right now and I hate it. I have this strange feeling of dreading something and wishing time would just freeze,but at the same time,I'm wishing it would just tick away mercilessly so I could get it all over with.


My heart is so broken.

Everythig I Had Is Someday Gonna Be Gone.

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And, it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So, I tuck you in
Turn on your favorite night light
To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I had, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, and never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And, you're mortified
Your mom's dropping you off
At, fourteen there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But, don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too
And don't lose the way that you dance around in your PJ's getting ready
for school

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

And no one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I had is someday gonna be gone

So, here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So, I tucked myself in and turned my night light on
Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh, I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even you want to
Please, try to never grow up

Oh, whoa
Don't you ever grow up
Oh, whoa
Never grow up
Just never grow up

 

 

 I wish I could put in words how much I miss my parents right now. I was on the bus,listening to this song,and it had no impact on me...until this part:

So, here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So, I tucked myself in and turned my night light on
Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up 

 

 No one knows what I'll be willing to give to have my old life back,where it was just myself,my sister, my father,and my mother. Those times we spent together as a family were very rare and short; you could count it with your fingers. Still, it's what always brings me down. The fact that no matter how hard I try now,I can never have the one thing I want the most, and I will live with this regret for the rest of my life-that when I was little,all I wanted to do was to grow up immediately and move away,and have a life of my own. If I had known back then what I know now,things would have turned out differently.

I'm just having one of those days. I'm just being too emotional, clinging on to the things I can never have, obsessing about the past.It happens to everybody,somehow, but it doesn't change the fact that it's sad.

I thought being an adult would provide me with endless possibilities.I was drunk with the idea of wearing stilettos and actual dresses,going out with friends,the freedom,everything.Nobody told me about the heartaches and heartbreaks,about having to stand on your own,dealing with betrayals and death,losing friends and failing grades.

Now,all I could wish for is to be little again.How I wish I can just turn the hands of the clock back to a certain point in time where everything is still as good as they seem,before I started doubting my abilities,before I stopped believing in myself, back when the walls that surrounded me were the unshakable walls of love,support,and encouragement.

I feel like a little girl trapped in a teenager's body. I'm lost. I'm scared. I don't know what to do.

It's Not Much,But We Can Make A Life Out Of It.

 

 Don't be afraid of death. Be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever. You just have to live.

Faced myself in the mirror early today. I've been spending some time holding my head between my knees,trying to shut everything out. I miss my friends. I miss going on vacations with my family,no matter how short the times I got to spend with them were. Today was my grandmother's birthday,and reality hit me square in the face.She's getting older,weaker,and each minute I spend with her should be priceless. I watched her every move.The way she took a piece of my fish for luch,the way she sipped Coke from my glass. I'm scared cause I don't know how much more time I have to see her like this. I'm scared...

My phone is filled with notes I type late at night when 'm up,trying to drown my thoughts with music. What would become of me? I don't know,but I know what and who I am and who I want to be right now.

I'm young,and I know I shouldn't be scared. Hell, I know what kind of music I want to listen to,and I will blast it out whenever I want,wherever I want. I'm entitled to make as many mistakes as everybody else, wear whatever suits my fancy, say my thoughts aloud.I can dance in the middle of the street and NOT care what strangers say. I can skip school whenever I wish to just because I can. I can say "Fuck Mondays" and I will never wait for Friday,it will come to me. 

I'm young,and I wish I wasn't scared. I wish I could admit to my mistakes and just shrug it all off in the end. I get mad at my friends for doing stupid things WITHOUT me. I hate it that time passes by so quickly,that we barely have time to breathe and watch the world around us because we're all so occupied with our own needs.

I'm young, and I'm scared. I'm scared of not being who I want to be. I'm scared of not blending in with the crowd, when all I really want is to stand out. I'm scared of growing old alone,and I can't wait to fall in love again. I'm scared that Christmas will be lonely just because I have no one special to share it with,and seeing happy couples make me jealous,but I say they make me sad,because I can't admit to jealousy. I'm scared that one day,the world will look at me through my very own eyes and see that I really am no one special at all, just a piece of twig wrapped in pretty ribbons. I'm scared that the future isn't as secure as it once seemed. I'm scared that I might find him.My dork with the black framed glasses, dark, messy waves, suspenders and intelligence.

I'm scared that I'm wanting all the right things at the wrong time. 

I'm scared, cause I know this life is mine, but I might never be able to actually own it.

Tonight Will Be The Night That I Will Fall For You.

Another timed post from me. I just don't feel like publishing this right now,so bear.

I just hung out with my family yesterday. Hung out doesn't seem to be the right word to use though, when you spent two hours on the mechanic's, waiting for your ride to get fixed, but that was the closest we had to hanging out.

We went to Jollibee after that and bought take home meals. Ate Rachel was working there. I lined up on the counter she served and when it was time to give her my order,I was so giddy I had to stop myself from bursting into fits of laughter. She and I are close (she's my Mom's half sister) and you know, having her tell me "Can I get your order,Ma'am" in a very formal manner was just too much for my little heart to handle, when usually when I am in their house she would always pick on me and call me silly names. Revenge is truly sweet. Heheh.

Anyway, so yeah she took my order and I said two TLC burgers with fries and Coke, one cheeseburger, one spaghetti with fries and coke, and one chocolate Sundae. I was surprised when my take out bags arrived and they had four TLC burgers.. -,- She punched my order wrong, so I paid four instead of two B3 meals. Guess she was giddy too. Ha.

Yeyey was with me all day. She has changed a lot in the course of three years. Gosh,I sound like a mother or something but she really has. I remember I just had a talk with my Mom on the phone and she was like "Do you still hang out with Yeyey? Does she still wet the bed and the couch?" LOL. It was strange when I realized it. I have been with the little girl all her life. She doesn't wet the couch or the bed now, but she's growing up spoiled and bossy. She keeps ordering everyone around. Sounds like....me.

My sister has been pestering me about her money. I owe her Php25.00 (half a dollar,haha) which, in my defense, we used to buy a pack of tea powder and ice that we had for lunch. So I did not pay her yet but I will, promise. :P

On the 3oth it's our Patron Saint's festival day. Bah, I will sponsor another baby's Christening and I don't have even just a small amount of money. Maybe my grandmother will take care of that. It's kind of fun here,these days. It's a shame I don't get to scour the shops outside (there are rows of tents of vendors selling EVERYTHING by the roadside on the highway at this time every year). On Thursday there'll be visitors and people I really don't know who will come over our house to eat and such. I'm a little excited.

Hmm what else? Oh,yeah,that song. The title of this post is another song lyric I ripped off Secondhand Serenade's "Fall For You". My PSP just randomly blasted it out yesterday and since there was that warm September Christmas season kind of breeze, I felt like it was 2008! Certain songs remind me of certain seasons in certain years. Fra Lippo Lippi's "Later", for example, reminds me of 2002's Summer when my Mom came home and it was my father's favorite song. Matchbox 20's "Unwell" reminds me of 2003, like Stephen Speaks' "Out of My League". Trading Yesterday's songs will always remind me of Summer 2010. "Fall For You" was all over the radios back in 2008, and it reminds me of CLSU's Lantern Parade that year that I spent with my ex-boyfriend. We were hanging out with his friends in his car, and that song was playing on the background. I can't remember the feeling anymore,though.

Wake Me Up When September Ends.

I must admit that this is my sixth attempt at posting this blog. I've been meaning to blog for days now, but every time I try, I just end up typing then deleting everything because the words don't say what I truly feel. It's horrible. I need to get introduced to myself one more time. I don't know ME anymore.

Yesterday, my family and neighbors and I drove to the mountains. It was fun,really. I never expected it would be that fun. But I was so tired and sleepy that I slept most of the time. On our way home, there was a crowd swarming by the side of the road, and there was a police car parked nearby, and men in SOCO uniforms. Our driver decided to stop by to see what was wrong. I saw a woman in red shirt sat on the curb, crying.

We then found out that there was a salvage victim dumped on the dry irrigation system beside the road, near the river. It was the perfect place for a crime, mind you. There are no houses, and the road is often empty,especially at night. You can count the passing vehicles by the hand. Once we got stuck there on our van. The lights won't turn on but we were too scared to stop so we decided it was better to keep going,keep driving.The place is very secluded. In the day it is paradise. It's my worst nightmare during the night.

Anyways, it was my first time to see something like that. Like,a victim's body,covered in blood, getting investigated for possible clues as to who did the crime and why. It was creepy. I still can't stay in the dark alone because of that. The victim was a girl,about my age, had long curly hair like mine. She was believe to have been raped before she was killed. Heartless,heartless suspect. Please pray for the victim's soul.

It's August 31st today. How time flies. September is not my favorite month, and I don't know what's in store for me. I just wish time will slow down, you know?I'm so scared of facing the future-I am not yet ready for the confrontation. Tears will be shed and probably,some painful words that even time can't heal will be said. I am dreading that day.I am so not waiting for September.

Sometimes,we love the wrong people for all the wrong reasons.We know they could hurt us,and at some point,they would,we'd fall down and get scraped but we'd also get back up,probably too soon,and continue fighting as if our lives depended on it.

Sometimes,the pain is just too real that I find myself crying,crying my heart out because it's all I can do. What hurts more is watching that person you love dive into the pool of pain and fire,and all you can do is watch them burn.It's crazy because you feel the pain they feel,together with your own pain. It's like you carry both your burdens,and you still smile.You try,because you want them to be happy.

I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up as soon as everything's over. That way, I wouldn't have to watch somebody burn. I wouldn't have to carry anyone's burden or feel their pain. It sounds selfish sometimes...But everyone has limits,too,you know?I can't bear to just watch the people I love get hurt just because of their own doing,because it hurts me too.I hate it when I can't do anything.I like being in control...

Someday I will know why people cross the street,even with the threat of getting hit or run over. Someday, the world will stop hurting. Maybe when September ends.

I Look Deep In My Eyes...I've Never Felt So Alone.

So here's the thing, I came here to vent about my life,how sad and lonely and miserable I am. Now, I can't remember what I wanted to say earlier.

Anyway,the skies were really pretty today. It was cloudy and gray,mostly, but on my way home,the silhouettes of the mountains bordered the river view. It was sunset, part of the skies were pink and orange and teal, and then the mountains were just shadowy shades of blue. Lovely. Very.

I'm proud to say I'm slowly retreating out of my shell again,you know?Although sometimes it's still so hard,like when I'm happy,then I will remember him,then I will feel guilty for being happy. I scold myself,asking WHY ARE YOU HAPPY,YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY. I don't know.

I'm very  thankful that I have my friends who never get tired of me.If not for them,I would have given up a long time ago.It just proves that I am lucky,in spite of all this sh*t that I am going through.

Anyway,I have some reason to be happy now.All's fine again with me and my Mom, and my grandma isn't mad about it like I thought she would be.Sometimes,people have to remind me how kind hearted my grandmother is.She deserves more than I give her credit for.

School's draining all the energy out of me.I swear I'm not going to live until graduation if we keep up with this crazy schedule.I sleep mostly at 2 or 3 am and wake up SO early.I feel like a zombie.Sometimes I find myself drifting off to sleep at the most random places/moments/situations.

I'm a bit disappointed cause I was supposed to go to Trinoma on the 22nd (Sunday) to meet up with Mainia and Ate Li to watch Vampires Suck, but Mainia found out that it wouldn't hit Philippine theaters until the 25th,so we moved the date to the 29th. Big sigh. My clothes were pressed,folded, and hung already,and now they'll be sitting on my closet for another week.I was so excited for that trip.

Lastly,I'm going crazy looking for gray boots right now. I am downright obsessed but they are so expensive and if I ordered now,it would take them until October to arrive.I cannot wait that long!I need to have those gray boots NOW.

Because I had a dream that I met Ashley Greene while I was wearing gray boots.I know,I know I'm crazy...I'm just chasing my dream. What have I got to lose,anyway? Plus I have always wondered what I would look like with boots on.

So you see,I feel lighter now than I have ever been in the past few posts.It feels so good to just lie on my own bed and think about stuff and have a good cry. I guess someday I will move on and smile completely without feeling guilty. Just not now.Not yet..

I'll Put His Picture Down And Maybe Get Some Sleep Tonight.

 Tonight,I wanna cry.

But my tearducts seem to finally dry with the last flow of tears. I'm still in pain,but I can't cry anymore. My eyes got tired,I guess.

This is so hard,but I promised myself that starting tomorrow,I will wake up with a big goofy grin on my face and go on with my life.I'm not going to force myself though...I will do it step by step.What matters is that I will stop moping around and being such a nuisance to the universe.

I'm letting go now...Not giving up.I know this is for the better,so I'm going to start explaining to myself that I am in reality,and that I have to deal with it sooner or later.I'm doing it now.Acceptance is the first step.

I will always have him in my heart forever.His name will be embossed there,and no one can ever take that away.I will remember him each time I look at the skies and watch the stars burn,and I will always long for those nights when we lay on the grass with our fingers laced together. There will always be this empty space in my heart that will long for him,ache for his love,but I will never let this pain beat me.

C, I miss you so much and I feel guilty when I'm happy when you are not here and you never will be,but I know you are watching over me somewhere,and  I only want you too see beautiful things about me.I can conquer this.I have gone through the saddest part...

Aside from these sentiments, I am so confused right now.I got a phone call from my Mom,she bought us a new laptop and PSP and jewelry,and is booking a vacation to Baguio in December for us.

If you are a typical teenager,you might say "Wow,cool,yaddayaddayadda..." The thing is,I appreciate it,but that doesn't mean I'm happy.

Last Friday,we had a fight.It goes way way back,I sincerely can't remember,but it's one of those things that you keep pushing underwater but keeps floating back to the shore,if you know what I mean.

See,I told her to just forget my sister and I,in a very nice way cause I did not have the heart to talk to her harshly.I was on a bus,sending he text messages,crying.My lips were trembling. I told her everything I have buried deep inside me for so long.That she didn't prioritize us.That she had no time for us.That we were just an option for her.That she only talked to us when she had no one else to talk to.That she had no right to scream at us saying we live like we have no Mother when it was her who first went on living like she had no children.

It pained my heart to say those things to her but that was how I felt.All our lives,I said yes to everything just to make her happy and avoid arguments and confrontations.She told me that she loved us more than anything else and that she'd rather die than have us disown her.

So today she told me about all those things she bought for us.Her voice sounded so excited.I wanted to tell her not to do that but I couldn't,because I was afraid I would hurt her. The thing is,I haven't told my sister yet.

I feel like a bridge,you know?I want to connect the gap between my Mom and my sister. Rhiza kind of hates her right now. She wouldn't even talk to her. It's just so hard to be in my shoes right now cause I don't know what to do anymore,especially with all the other factors that I have to consider.

If I accept what Mom gives me,I might hurt my grandmother's feelings (they don't get along well) and my aunts might judge me. I don't know. If I don't accept it then I would hurt my Mom and she'd say I am brainwashed. See? I don't know where to place myself.

I just want all these stupid fights to end. They're childish and immature,and I want a normal life.Is that too much to ask?i'm thinking of talking to my grandmother and telling her that even though Mom hurts me,she's still my mother. But I can't. I can't talk to anyone at home in a note as serious as that.

That's the problem with us. We do not have an open communication...

And it kills me.

Slowly.

Painfully.

For You The Future's Easy,For Me It's Getting Steep

Your best friend says you are such a pushover.

You let people take what they want from you. You let people say what they want. You let people win cause you don't want to fight.

The love of your life dies. You need someone to hug you...Just one single hug. Someone hugs you,but simply,it's not enough.

You are ill,and she's not the right medicine to help you heal.

Your Mom doesn't know...Cause she works away from you,and when she does call and you're not busy enough with studies,and you have the time to answer,all she says is how hard it is to work,how her job kills her, how lonely she is. You want to tell her about how miserable you are feeling, knowing she might understand, cause she went through this too when your father died, but she says goodbye and ends the call right after she asks if you have eaten yet. You check the call time duration, your phone says 3 minutes and 26 seconds.

Your sister doesn't care. She's not aware that you are always there for her...That you will always be. You love her more than anyone else in the family, but she doesn't feel the same for you. She knows... She knows your heart is hurting,but that isn't reason enough for her to really look at you and for once,make you feel like she feels responsible for you,too.

Your aunts don't notice. When you are home, they avoid looking you in the eyes. They don't know what's going on with your life outside the house,and it may hurt to admit,but they don't seem to care.As long as you graduate soon,work soon,bring home money soon...That's what their world revolves around.

Your garndmother is the most caring woman on the face of the planet.Still, you don't tell her. She doesn't want you to have a boyfriend just yet. You are nineteen years old. You want to tell her,but a lot is going on with her life right now,too,and you worry about her. She lost her brother,and she puts up a strong charade,just like you do,but you know that deep inside,every part of her is crushed to pieces--just like you.

You start showing your feelings,your friends start avoiding you. You feel like they cannot deal with your pain,with the pain of your loss because they are not on the same boat. You think to yourself what you would do if you were in their shoes and they were in yours. You answer, you would be there for them no matter what,to help them through it.

Your mind is filled with unhappy thoughts. You feel so alone-left alone,while the world keeps going on around you. Your abruptly stopped living while the rest of the world,even your so called friends, walk by...They walk past you and throw you one sympathetic glance, and then that's it. They go on with their lives as if you were never a part of it in the first place.Within days or a short week,you find out who your real friends are.

You feel the pain flooding your heart,tearing you to pieces. You want somebody to say you're fine like this, that you have the right to mope, to let your heart heal...But no one does.

You cry yourself to sleep,wishing you will one day wake up and see him smiling at you,telling you that you had a bad dream. You curl up into a ball, hide in dark corners, avoid everyone because you are scared you might lose them, too, if you let them see how broken you are.

Because no one wants a broken thing. They would have no use for them.

And that's what you are right now...Broken, useless.

Why Are We So Distant Now?

She sat by the door,craning her neck to watch the skies.


Tonight,the moon's chin was pointy and sharp,and part of its face was but a beautifully hidden shadow. A star shone brightly by its side,reminding the moon that it was not alone.


She was never the type to run away from problems.She was always one to believe that if she faced it earlier,she'd be out of it earlier.


Today,she ran away.


Not because she felt like giving up...But because she was scared she would not feel like giving up.



I'm just so confused...Why does she keep on trying to bend the truth? She told me what she thought: that I was brainwashed. That's what she always says. This was what I told her: I am not being brainwashed by anybody. I am old enough to know the truth and to choose what I should believe in.

Mom and I had a heated conversation on the phone.Well,they were only text messages cause I didn't answer her calls...Don't judge me just yet..I have my reasons.

When she lied to me face to face about her boyfriend,we didn't say anything.I've been trying so hard for so long to be happy for her,with her choices because she deserves to be happy,but why does her happiness always have to hurt us?

I just hate it when people lie to me. It always ends up badly when people tell lies. What's so wrong with the truth? Sure,it will hurt and it will not be always nice, but it will all come up eventually anyway,so why not just get it over with as soon as possible?

I just don't get people sometimes...We always make empty promises and say some words that mean nothing at all to us,when we know they mean the world to the people who receive them.I just want to get rid of all the complications we human beings make.They make life all the more difficult to live.

Like for example when we say "I am always here for you," we go wrong right there. You can't always be there for someone. You know that,at some point in time your lives will drift apart,or you would stop caring,or they will stop needing you.At some point in your lives things will change.They will take a turn for the better or for the worse--we don't know which will be which,but the point is,they will change with each passing of time.With every falling leaf. With every broken promise. With every hoping heart. With every lesson learned.

Now everytime someone tells me something,I catch myself wondering what is real and what is just added to make the story sound better.

People grow tired of believing,of trusting,hoping,and having faith when all the time they get deceived.

I am deceived of the truth. I've heard one too many empty promises.

I'm tired.

I'll Never Let You Go

"Hey," Jasper greeted, holding me by the waist.

The sun was setting on the horizon, making the bay glisten like liquid silver. I squinted at the sight.

"Anything wrong?"

I shook my head,smiling. "It's all perfect. Too much glitter just hurts my eyes."

"I thought you loved sunsets."

"I do." I walked over to the edge of the yacht, enjoying the view. We were in Manila Bay, overlooking SM Mall of Asia, bordered by Roxas Boulevard. On the concrete pavement, kids were running, biking... Pairs of lovers were walking hand in hand, or sitting back to back, enjoying the moment, like we were.

"Are you still scared of going on cruise?" He suddenly looked worried, his eyebrows creased, his eyes searched mine.

"I'll be fine," I lied. I was scared of the ocean. "I think I'll manage."

"You know," he whispered, taking my hand, "it will be fun, we could sneak out on the bow and maybe re-enact that Titanic scene? I can be your Jack."

I smiled at that.Heck,I smiled at every little thing he said,no matter how senseless and shallow. It was always easy with him, I never had to be on my guard.

"And then you, Alice, should run around the ship wearing a long flowy night gown and seduce Jasper, and then you know what happens next," Emmett chuckled, bemused. I rolled my eyes at him.

Our food arrived and we ate dinner, excited for the cruise. We were wearin formal clothes, it was uncomfortable and too warm, but I did not complain. I was playing with Jasper's cellphone, tweeting.

I'm gay, I typed, and pressed the tweet button. That sent me to hysterics, leaving all my friends puzzled as to why I was laughing like mad. When Jasper saw what I just did, he caught me in his arms and started tickling me. We were frowned upon by my best friend, Bella.

"Could you guys act a little more decent?" She scoffed, then left us on the table. Edward mumbled an apology, which I answered with a smile.

~~~

"Have you taken your medicine yet?" Jasper asked, popping at the door of our cabin. Their cabin was right next to ours.

"Yes, Sir!" I straightened my posture, imitating a soldier with a salute.

"Good," he replied shortly. He patted the hem of my skirt, frowning. "Isn't this skirt a bit too short?"

"It's just right!" I argued, measuring the length of my navy blue skirt with my outstreched fingers. "See? Two inches above the knees. Standard size."

"Whatever you say." He shrugged, then walked off. I followed suit, thinking he was upset.

"Hey!" I called out, earning stares of annoyance from the other students on board, but they were the least of my priorities, so I continued anyway.

Jasper stopped abruptly, knocked on a cabin's door, and asked our classmate, Jehin, if we could talk in the cabin for a moment. She reluctatnly agreed, and he pulled me by the hand and closed the door.

"Are you okay?" I asked, pating his dimpled cheek twice. "Did you take your medicine?"

He was in medication, too. His heart, like mine, was weak, and he couldn't get very tired or things would turn out ugly. He nodded, flashing me a grin.

"Remember the Titanic promise?" He asked all of a sudden. I squinted my eyes at him, asking what he meant.

"Come on." He dragged me and we ran to the bow of the ship,where we were prohibited that night. We stood there, the wind blew my hair and he was behind me, our arms raised in the air like wings.

"You should say I am the King of the world!" I instructed him, but he just laughed at me.

"No," he said, chuckling. "That was Jack. Now, this is me."

He held my hand tight, then, on the top of his lungs, he shouted. "I am the luckiest jerk in the world!"

"That was so unromantic," I complained, pouting. "But that will do, I guess."

"Of course that will do," he agreed, smelling my hair. "You love me too much to argue."

"Someone's an airhead," I teased. "Let's go back inside. We're needed in the gallery."

The gallery is a cruise ship's kitchen. There you would find rows and rows of white plates, silverware, and all the other kitchen utensils you could ever think of. As we eneterd the gallery, everyone was already busy working.

"Brandon, Whitlock, late!" Mrs. Nunez scolded. We bowed down to say we were sorry, then proceeded to the sink where we washed the dishes in silence.

My hands were wrinkly because of the dishwashing paste, and I've got bubbles on my hair from all the work, when my back itched like crazy.

"Scratch my back!" I screeched at him. He just smirked then began itching my back.

"Poor little Alice, what would you do without me?"

"Don't say that!" I requested, suddenly scared. "You shouldn't say that unless you are planning on leaving me."

"Never," he whispered, tucking my hair behind my ears. "Promise."

"Promises are made to be broken, Jazz." Bella smirked, mopping the floor.


"You know me," Jasper answered. "I never break a word I say."

 "Prove it," she said, then walked away. I stared at my best friend's retreating figure, clueless as to why she was acting like that towards Jasper.

Jasper just shrugged at me when I told him about it. "She doesn't think anybody's good enough for you, that's all."

"Fine," I grumbled before walking off to the restaurant where the other passengers and patrons were beginning to head to, dressed to the nines.

~~~

Edward and Emmett were bartending and doing bar tricks, earning a lot of tips from the awestruck customers. Jasper was waiting on tables, so was I. Every once in a while, we stopped to talk, flirt a little, or just stare at each other. We finished our shift at 2 in the morning, and the ship arrived in Cebu at about 4 or 5. We were sent straight to Crown regency Towers where we just plopped ourselves on the bed and slept, because we were all dead tired.

I was awakened by the noise Bella made in the morning, rummaging through the room.

"Good morning," I greeted, my voice was still full of sleep. "Do you need help in turning this suite upside down?"

"No, you better hurry and get dressed," she answered seriously. "Our seminar is starting in an hour."

My eyes grew wide with horror. "Oh crap, I wouldn't be able to get ready in an hour!"

"I know right?"

I began zipping and unzipping my bags, fumbling for my things. I ended up in a pastel yellow colored dress and a black bolero thirty minutes later. Edward was waiting outside for Bella.

"Hey." I punched his shoulder lightly. "Where's Jasper?"

"I think you should wake him up." He answered seriously. "you know I'm not patient in waking people up."

"you're never patient, period." I giggled then made my way to their room.

Slants of sunshine were pouring in through the tall glass windows. He was peacefully sleeping but the rise and fall of his chest was not normal, so I sat by his side and began shaking him.

"Jasper? Jasper, wake up. you have to hurry up, our seminar is half an hour away."

No answer.

"Jasper, come on. You could sleep later..."

Something that sounded like a grunt came from his throat, and then that was it.

His breathing rapidly increased and then they were gone as soon as they came. I was screaming frantically for help, checking his pulse and his heartbeat,they were almost gone. After ten minutes or so, I heard a loud siren below and then it was a blur of arms and limbs being carried away.

I remember throwing in information, like what exactly happened, his heart disease, how old he was, what he ate last night, what time he went to bed, and so on and so off. I remember running fourteen flights of stairs because I was scared the elevators might fail and I would be stuck inside and I wouldn't be able to be there with him, for him.

I remember running after the stretcher he was on, being pushed and shoved by random paramedics, being shouted at. In the end, all I could do was sit there in the curb while the ambulance sped away. Everything seemed like the movies-slow motion,the skies were gray, and my best friend was there, rubbing my back.

~~~

That afternoon, I took the plane back to Manila. I didn't know where he was, or what his condition was. I was clutching my phone but I got no text messages, let alone a phone call. I was worried, but there was nothing I could do,so I went home.

When nighttime fell and everyone was dreaming beautiful dreams, I lay in bed feeling empty and lonely. I thought back on all the years we have spent together as friends, and I cried until I fell asleep. That night, I wished I'd dream about him, but I didn't.

The next morning, I got a message from his Mom informing me that he was admitted in the University Hospital. They specialize in heart ailments, and he was in the Intensive Care Unit. I immediately got dressed to pay him a visit.

When I arrived there,his Mom wrapped me in a hug. I gave her a wry smile, trying hard to appear strong for once. "How is he?"

She began sobbing, shaking. "The doctors said the only thing keeping him alive is the breathing apparatus..."

"Calm down," I said, but deep inside I was bleeding. The only thing keeping him alive is the breathing apparatus, that is bullshit! I pulled his Mom in for another hug. A tear trickled down my face, but I wiped it away simply, then pretended to smile and look strong.

"He'll be fine," I said. I did not know whether I said that to make her feel better, or was I just creating another illusion for myself?

~~~

I was wearing a horrible looking green hospital gown and a transparent plastic hair cover. He was lying there, on the bed, surrounded by all the white. There were no flowers,no colors.

"I wouldn't cry," I announced, as if I was having a very normal conversation with him under a very normal circumstance.

I walked nearer, each step was careful,as if somehow any heavy sound could hurt him. I held his hand...His fingernails were bluish. It took all of my strength not to break down and cry right then, right there.

"Hey..." I whispered. My voice cracked and I had to clear my thoat several times.My mouth felt so dry. "Wake up..."

Beep. Beep. Beep. His heart monitor was beeping regularly. It was the only noise besides my voice.

"I ate ice cream today," I informed him, rubbing little circles on his palm. "I ate two cones,one for you, and one for me..."

Beep.

"I know,I know you envy me...If you weren't such a jerk you could have accompanied me you know?"

Beep. Beep.

"I still can't believe that Tweety Bird is not a girl. Teletubbies were better though..."

Beep. Beep. Beep...

I lay my head on the bed, so that we were face to face. His eyes were completely closed shut, his lips were pale,so pale.

I ran my fingers through his hair carefully,as if it were some delicate piece of golden thread. The beeping sound continued, an insult to my injury. Each sound was another gash in my heavily wounded heart that would throb in pain forever.

"You said you would never leave me," I reminded him, squeezing his hand. "You're cheating..."

I stared at his face. It was just the two of us, living in silence. "Please fight... For me... For us..."

That was all it took for two drops of tears to form on his eyes, and then they raced towards the sides of his nose. His lips quivered, but that was all I got. I wiped his tears dry,ignoring my own tears that were starting to drown me.

"Can you hear me?" My voice was louder, rougher.

"Can you hear me? Wake up, wake up, you fool! You can't leave me like this..."

Fresh set of tears watered his pasty face, and I was sobbing hysterically when his Mom entered the room and helped me up. She was with his Dad, and another woman that I have only met now, and then a Doctor.

"This is Sienna, his step sister." His Mom introduced me to the woman, who acted indifferent,as if she couldn't care less.

The Doctor told me about his real condition. He used those hard to spell professional medical terms and all other stuff, but from what i understood, he was brain dead and his chances of survival were 1 out of 1000. If he ever did survive, he would have to have therapy, or he might have temporary amnesia due to the trauma it brought him to.

In short, they thought the best way out of this was to unplug the breathing apparatus...And end his misery.

It would end his life,too, and that I couldn't take.

"Please,no..."

I held on to his Mom for support. She was sobbing again, like I was.

His Dad was teary eyed. Sienna looked bored.

"His bills are sky high," she stated harshly. "If this goes on for long we might have to sell the car or the house or God knows what."

I looked at his Dad. He reamined silent,perhaps,contemplating on things.

"We're not even sure if he'd live," Sienna added.

"But there's still a chance that he would," i politely interrupted. She gave me a cold, hard glare. "Please..."

"Fine," she muttered. "One week. If he doesn't wake up in a week, we'll give it up,okay? I hate seeing him like this."

After the doctor performed some tests and stuff, they all went out and again,I was alone with him.

I planted a kiss on the top of his head. "Please wake up soon... Keep your promise..."

As soon as the door clicked shut behind me,I couldn't help but be scared, because promises are made to be broken.

What Is Your Reason For Living?

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
~E. B. White

 Hello, I am just a simple girl. My mind thinks simple thoughts; my heart feels simple emotions. I need the most basic of all necessities, shopping makes me happy, and on a regular Friday night when the air is crisp and car horns are beeping, I like staying in bed and cuddling up with a book. My life is not glamorous, I am not always happy, neither am I always sad. My life is not as good as I want it to be, but honestly, it is not too bad, either.

So what do I live for? Do I live for my dreams? Do I live for my family and friends? Do I live just for the heck of living? Do I live for the knowledge that one day,the world will bow down o me, at my feet? I could say I live for myself, but that would sound too selfish to be acceptable.

I do live for the people I love, but here's the catch: I live for everyone who needs me. I live for that little girl in tattered clothes who sleep on the streets, rain or shine. I live for my pre-school teacher, for the Pastor who preaches before the penniless. I live for the Security Guard in front of the bank he works for. I live for the candy vendor, for the cab driver, for the post man, the plumber, the construction worker, the cashier in the supermarket who never fails to smile and wish me a nice day. I live for all these people, because in one way or another, I might or might not have noticed, but they have surely made an impact in my life.

This may sound odd,weird,unusual. After all,this world has gone from being our world to being someone's self's world. I just realized,if I don't give credit to all these good people,then who will?Who will let them know that they matter,too?Who will tell that Security Guard how nice it felt when he told me that I was kind,just because I put my trash in the trash can,which,in the first place, was in fact, my obligation?

I live for the hope that one day,the rest of the world will wake up and see the beauty in every single thing,even in the most mundane ones.I wish everyone could touch a cancer patient's cheek and tell her that she is beautiful,and for once,make her cry with tears of joy.I wish mothers and daughters could just realize sooner than normal that they do live for each other,and that nothing in the world could come in between them.I live for the hope that there are still good people who actually care about the welfare of others,and are not afraid to show it.

I live for Christmas dinners and those street children who brave the cold weather, singing Christmas carols in the street, tapping car windows. I live for the people who actually open their windows and share their blessings to the less fortunate;the world needs more people like them. I live for the hugs friends share when words couldn't explain feelings anymore. I live for anonymous donors, overseas Filipino workers, and non-government organizations volunteers.

I live for the rainbows after the rain. I live for the bravery of my fellow Filipinos who managed to smile even after the storms destroyed their homes last year. I live for the unity that was shown in the face of tragedy. The Philippines is a country not as financially rich as the United States nor the European nations, still, we all managed to somehow smile and help each other.With tears in my eyes,it has been proven to me that we were not hopeless,and we never will be.

I live for the people who take the courage to sail even when they are destined to fail. I live for my Mom,whose faith in love is undying,and for my Dad,whom I terribly miss every single moment. For my sister, my aunts, and my grandparents, whose faith and love for me never cease,for the neighbors who say hello every once in a while.

I live for all the simple moments in life,because they are the most fragile ones in my memory.I live for lazy Sunday afternoons,for the summer breeze, for blowing bubbles in April, for the smell of new clothes, for a box of 124 pieces of crayons, for the cats that meow and the dogs that bark, I live for waking up at 3 AM from December 16-25 to complete the 9 early morning masses and for the wish I get when I do, for the sweaters and cardigans I only get to wear from November to February, for Lilac blooms and the sound of a little girl's giggles, for the feeling of comfort when my cheek is pressed on my pillow, for sweet daydreams and teddy bears, for all the laughter and tears.

I live for the sake of being able to live, because every man dies, but not everyone lives.

Do You Want Me To Brave This Road For You?

 Soooooo I think I have a new favorite song.

I can't stop smiling on my way home because this song was playing on my PSP. I was shamelessly singing along, even when a neighbor was standing near me,I couldn't care less.

Anyway,so today was my Mom's birthday. After school,I bought prepaid credits to text her a birthday greeting.I was walking peacefuly to 7 Eleven to get some Coke,when somebody called my name. I whirled around to see my old pal, Karen.I once wrote a post about her here.Anyway,so yeah I bumped into Karen,and we stayed in 7 Eleve for a couple of minutes to catch up. God, I missed her. I kind of regret shifting schedules, but I can't do anything about that now. What matters is that we talked,and nothing has changed between us.

Part of me is happy right now because there's a reason to be happy. But I decided not to talk about that here that much.I want to keep private whatever it is that I have right now because the world doesn't have to know...Only we do. I just...I can't explain it.I'm perfectly contented with whatever I am in right now,I guess that says it all.

As I have mentioned,it's my Mom's birthday and I texted her this afternoon. I've been waiting all day for some reply but I still haven't got any.I have a feeling she's mad at me,cause she's been calling these past few days and I wasn't able to answer any.Maybe she thinks I was ignoring her calls,but the truth is,my phone was in silent mode,it always is,she knows that.She calls at the most random hours,and I am not a phone person...Most of the time I do not even know where I put my phone,so I really didn't ignore the calls on purpose.

This hole in my heart is like screaming at me that our relationship (if we even have one) is falling apart. I really want nothing more than save it...But she doesn't seem to be working with me. Still,I can't just give up on it.
For all it's worth,I want to fight,to fight for my Mom,for her love,and a little affection. She thinks my sister and I only remember her because of her money, but we do not even get any of her money.I don't know what happened in the course of eleven years, but from the looks of things, it seems like it's all about money. Money, power, money, more money. I don't need so much money,you know?

Aside from that,I have no more worries. I feel calm and a little collected now.I would not let my emotions control me anymore. Some people have it worse...So I don't have the right to complain. It does nothing good...especially when my friends feel guilty about me being sad.It makes me feel selfish...

Speaking of friends...my European time based clock fell off the table today. It broke. I turn to it when I need to know what time it is in England and Ireland..Well,it's gone now.I really hope SHE didn't purposefully break it.She has the tendency to get jealous of my internet friends...

Lastly,it's raining all night. I've watched The Wedding Singer..I love Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler together like no joke!!! Oh, and I cut my toe. Accidentally. With a sharp rock.

I Need To Feel You.

Take me back...Take me back in your arms...

The only way I could hear your voice these days is when you're on the phone, telling me how hard your job is...You once told me that you noticed how tired I was,how tired I sounded...You didn't know the reason behind my silence.

I wanted to tell you that my classmate used to say that one day we would fly.She made us fall in line back in second grade and pressed our foreheads until they were bloody red,because supposedly, that was the only way we could fly. That night, I stayed awake, waiting for my body to start floating magically on air. I could not wait to fly. I could not wait to fly to you...

I wanted to tell you that I started liking a guy when I was in sixth grade. He had beautiful skin, and I hated my best friend because she liked him too, and unlike me,she was not discreet about it. I wanted to tell you that my teachers told everyone that they were pretty...Everyone except me, because I was boyish and unruly. Because nobody was there to say I should have grown my hair, I should have tied it up so that it would not cover my face.

I wanted to tell you how happy I was when my crush covered my eyes with his hands when I was thirteen.When I was fourteen, I thought I was in love. I rushed into things and got my heart broken for the first time. I wished you were there for me while I cried silently inside the bathroom, because I wanted no one to hear me. The pain was rippling, and I got over it, but every night, I wished you were there... I wished you were here...

I wanted to tell you how much I have grown. How I wanted you to be in the picture as I clicked the camera shutter on my sister's graduation. I wanted you to be with me when I enrolled for College. I wanted to tell you how I loved my College course, but you didn't like it. I wanted to prove to you that I was right...

Now, I'm nineteen. When you were my age, you had me. I want to tell you about my friends who call their Moms bitches just because the women won't let them use the computer, or go out with friends. I want to tell you how selfish I think they are for taking their Moms for granted. I want you to know how proud I am of myself because not once do I think of you the way they think about their Moms. I could tell you a lot right now... I could tell you how much pain I am feeling because of you, because you left, because I lost you, and never found you again. I want to tell you, Hey Mom...It's me. Hey Mom, what's for breakfast? Hey Mom, these are my friends. Hey Mom, can I have some spare cash? Hey Mom, let's bake a cake. Hey Mom, is everything alright? Hey Mom, I love you every fucking second of my life. Hey Mom, it hurts. Hey Mom... Did my heart break enough this time? Did it break enough...?

Mom,every time I remember you...I remember you yelling at me...Because that's all the memory I have.Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night from dreaming about the very first time you went away. It's like I am there all over again, red rimmed eyes, tear soaked shirt... I did not beg you to stay, but you did not see my lips quiver when I mumbled goodbye.

Mom, I wish I never said goodbye... Maybe if I didn't,you would have came back...

Standing Face To face,But A Million Miles Apart.

If there is one four letter word that is stronger than love,it's supposed to be HOME.

Home,you are supposed to be my fortress,but why does it seem like you are the dungeon I am locked in? You are supposed to shield me from the painful blows of life,but instead,you give me the wounds that take the longest to heal.I don't know if I am safe in you...

Why do we like to hurt so much? Is it not obvious yet that I am too sensitive about this family issue that you don't even realize how much pain it causes me when we talk about it? I wish I could bury the bad memories that I have,so that I can just go on with my life with nothing holding me back. Each time we look back, I cry... Not because it hurts me,but because of the knowledge that it hurts you,too,but you look back anyway...

I wish I could ask you to just forget it and move on.I wish we were actors,so that we could just pretend that it was all acting,like it was a bad comedy that did not make people laugh.But it was all real,and try as we might to conceal the agony,the pain is still there.It lingers...

I wish you knew...I wish you could hear me sob silently each night.You have no idea what I am going through,even after all these years. You could not see past my perfect charade...Or maybe you could,you just chose to ignore it,since there was nothing you could do anyway.I wish you knew how much I loved you,and that I would do anything to make you happy...But I wish you would see,even just for once,that the things that make you happy at times,are the very things that hurt me.

I am trying so hard to glue the pieces of this family back together.No one said life was easy...Nobody said it was this hard,either.But I'm coping...Day by day,I struggle to save myself from the person I might become because of all this pain...Maybe you,for once,could look at me and tell me all the words I needed to hear to make it all better...

Tell me that it is worth it...and prove it.

Embrace Changes.

There's a hole in the roof. There's a huge pool of water stain on my side of the bed because the sky has just finished crying...

What,you don't want to talk about the hole in the roof? Fine.

What shall our lesson for today be?I'm so tired,my eyes are starting to flutter,but I will blab anyway, since YOU, yes, YOU have nothing better to do so you waste precious time reading about my less than not perfect life.

Today,I watched Hating Kapatid, a Filipino comedy/family oriented movie by Viva Films. I'm not really a fan of Viva, since I prefer Star Cinema, nor am I fan of Sarah Geronimo or Judy Ann Santos...but it was a good laugh.

It was about two sisters, Rica and Cecilia, who were left by both their parents when they were young. Their parents went to work abroad,and since then, Rica was left to care for her sister. They lived with their grandmother.

Their life became stable financially with the sacrifice of their parents. For twenty years, Rica cared for Cecilia. She gave everything up for the welfare of her sister. Then when Cecilia graduated finally from College, their parents decided to go home already,thinking they have fulfilled their responsibility of giving their children a decent educational background.

When they arrived home, Rica drifted away from them. She became selfish because Cecilia seemed to be closer to their parents now than with her,when years ago,she was her only family.She became jealous. She did not know what to expect from her parents or wheter to expect anything from them at all, and neither did they,so problems ensued. It took them all a while to learn to forgive and forget,and embrace the changes in their lives,but in the end,it all worked out fine.

Lesson? We must all accept the fact that the world doesn't revolve around any of us alone.The people we love have the right to love and be loved back by other people apart from us.We must understand that even though we were the ones to shape them and help them be what they were,they have their own will,and they could decide for themselves.It may be hard to let go of the people we love, but the truth is, they never really just disappear. Their world just expands, and that doesn't mean that we have to step out of their heart to give room for others.There is more than enough space in a person's heart for everyone to fit in,so jealousy and being possessive is just pointless.

Maybe that is what a mother feels when she watches her son marry the woman he loves. Perhaps, that's what a father feels when a guy picks his daughter up for her first date.We all have that in us,but in the end, everyone's freedom prevails.

In Memory Lane...Again.

Look at this photograph...Every time I do it makes me laugh...

I'm toying with memories of the past again.That's so typical of me,I know.I just can't help it.

It's so hard to believe that so many years have passed,and so many things have happened already.My heart still feels young,like I'm still eight or ten,or maybe,fourteen. Back then,I was so eager to grow up and be a woman,have a husband and kids,a home to call my own, and go and visit my parents on Holidays. Now that I am close to that, I am not so sure anymore.

That's the problem with me.I change my mind a lot.I'm always uncertain... One day,I wanted to be a teacher. And then I woke up taking Food Technology in High School, and suddenly felt that I wanted to be a chef. I still want to be a chef,but I am just wondering... What if there's more to life than dreams and the future?

We keep worrying about the future.This I know,for on the rare occasions that I go out of the house to visit some neighbors, what they always talk about is the fact that they have no more rice to cook for tomorrow, or that the kid might be going to school with no lunch money. The funny thing is, they only talk about it; they never do anything to change their fates.

Anyway,enough of that,I guess. So why am I playing with memories again? Because I am so stressed right now,I don't know what to do. I have lots of things going on in my mind, and the past is the safest place for me to hide. I just miss running barefoot on what used to be a narrow dirt path in front of our house, or build haystacks in the rice fields during harvest season. I never get to do those things anymore. For one, I am too old for those, and two, I actually have no time.

When I was little I would feel like a princess, riding on a carriage that was pulled by a carabao. My grandfather owned a carabao, he still does. Those carriages were made to transport the rice sacks from the middle of the fields to the side of the road. It was so much fun, I felt free.

I guess I made these memories my sanctuary because I only remember what I want to remember. I find comfort in knowing that once when I was a child, classes were suspended because there was a storm. For three days,we stayed indoors with no electricity. I used to collect candle wax and round it up into a ball,then used a match stick for a wick. When the sun came up again one August afternoon, I was so happy to be outside the house again that I immediately went to play in the backyard. We had a papaya tree there, where I found a golden tortoise beetle. I loved golden tortoise beetles, and the colors they would project when hit by the sun.

I wish I had a photograph of all those precious moments when we all smiled and tackle hugged each other. They say photographs are good because they never change even if the people in them do, but don't they realize that photographs fade,too? That's why I rely on my memories. They are not that vivid now, I might get the faces wrong, but I clearly remember the exact emotions I felt during those days. No more,no less... And I wouldn't be lying to myself.

She,Revealed,A Statue.

I don't know where to begin.

I just think life is funny nowadays.I shift from mood to mood,day by day. Well,last week was like a hurricane.This week seems more promising,so I'm counting on it.

Yesterday,a Youth Council meeting was scheduled in our Church,but my sister and I decided not to attend since we had lots of school work to do.Luckily for us,our Chairman called and informed us that it was cancelled,perhaps because it was raining really hard.

So my day was spent wholly at home,doing my visual aid for "Statue" by Jackson Rathbone,which I would later present in class.Sadly,I fell asleep while doing it yesterday,I was so tired.So I zonked off at about 3 in te afternoon,and woke up at 6 feeling groggy...My sister was on the computer the whole time.I didn't finish anything,but I think I liked it.

The thing is,I like lazy Sunday afternoons.If it's not lazy,then I'll make it lazy by being lazy.It was raining all day yesterday,and that's what I loved,bundled up in my blanket like a cocoon,listening to the sound of the rain and some piano lullabies.It is always good to spend some time with my sister doing nothing at all,just being in the same room for hours on end,ocassionally speaking to each other,is bliss.

I've met new friends too,there's Darcy who's really funny and I enjoy talking to her a lot.I stay up until the wee hours just role playing Alice on Chatroll,and if ou only know what I'm dong there...Haha! It's really fun,but I don't think I can get on there as much as I have these past few days.

I just feel contented today.No silly fights in the house,no shouting..There are still those ocassional cold shoulder treatments but I can't complain.So far this is better than the last few days,so maybe I should even be thankful.When I feel so down I just remind myself that there are so many kids out there who don't have families,and I have one,so I'm lucky.That keeps me going.

Anyhooo...A friend right now is feeling really down and stuff,I wish I could help her. :-/ The world is crazy and harsh,and she better learn that early,I think..That not all we want,we get. Perhaps a lesson is waiting for her in the end.Right now,I must help her hold on to the last shred of hope left in her.I'll be more than guilty if I just watch her give up,you know?

STATUE

She dances in the forest shade
in freckles of the sun
slight winds breach the trees’ blockade
and the shade succumbs

A sudden burst of brilliant light
the forest comes alive
illuminating scattered paths
where forest creatures hide

She, revealed, a statue
bleaching in the sun
her skin of stone
a marble tone
her dress a mess
of vines and nests
a kind distress
her mouth
smiles
yes

no
rest
for a statue
no less
for the trees
leaves dancing
in season
and reason deceived
as she seems to be
dancing, dancing for me

what shadows might allow at night!
when branches dip and sway
the disco moon, a trick of light
she sways on nature’s stage

her holly golightly gave her the reds,
my james dean savior will see me dead

bowing to the inscription a questioning sigh
could something less than rain make a statue cry?

-j.action

That's the poem I was talking about.Isn't it beautiful?

Some of the words Jackson used give a hint that he wrote this poem with his Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) in mind. Just read between the lines.Anyway,even if he didn't,that doesn't change tha fact that it is beautiful.

The Wait

I'll be back, you said. That was all I really needed to hear.

For years,I sat by the window,waiting for your return. I watched the raindrops splash into the glowing pavement, and chased butterflies in the garden during the Summer.

Wishing you were there to hold me close,like you always used to do.

Not a day passed by that somehow,at some point,I did not think about you.

Why can't I just go with you? I asked,my eyes were rubbed out,swelling,as I cried for you.

I cried for you...

Your old gray shirt somehow comforted me.I wore it at night,when there were thunderstorms and I was much too terrified to sit by the window and wait.

I cuddled with your shirt,inhaling your scent that was barely there.Sometimes,I inhaled so deeply that I ran out of breath,desperately trying to catch the fragrance and hold it in my lungs.It was the only way I could hold you in me.

When I celebrated my birthday,I looked myself in the mirror and somehow found that I was not the girl I used to be.Everything has changed,but my feelings for you remained the same.Untouched,unfathomable. I whispered Happy Birthday to myself, concentrating hard on mimicking your voice to perfection,so that I would feel that you were there,celebrating with me.

When times were tougher,I would lock myself up in my room and just whisper your name.I talked to you like you were always with me,like you were never gone at all.I told you about my days,about my wait,my patience,and my faith that one day you would walk through that door again,and I would be there,throwing my arms around you,and you would know how much I have missed you.

I hugged myself in bed,and I never forgot to say my good night to you,like a prayer,before I go to sleep. I once stayed awake all night,awaiting your return,staring at the ceiling,projecting virtual memories of the times I spent with you.I was so into it that when the bubble showed you turning your back from me,I began to sob and plead.

Don't walk away. Don't leave me again...

 And I woke up to the sound of the chirping birds and passing cars,and I hugged my pillow tight because it was the only thing I could do back then,because you were not there.

You were never there.

Last night,I set the table for dinner,turned off all the lights and lit a candle.The table was filled with your favorite food; there were roses and daffodils in cut glass bowls around me. I set two plates across each other on the table,and poured wine on the glasses.The sound of it touching the bottom of the glass was almost intoxicating.I felt your presence,and I knew,I just knew,that you'd be dining with me.

And so I put on my best smile and tried not to cry.

Happy Birthday,Mom. I whispered into the dark, and right at that moment, nineteen years didn't seem too long a wait.It was worth it.

Because for once,you were back,and your voice that I heard,saying that you loved me, was not a product of my imagination anymore.

It was real,and you were,too.

I hugged the telephone before putting it back on its cradle,trying my hardest to capture that moment forever.With my eyes closed,I held on to the last flimsy strand of hope that maybe you thought about me as much as I thought about you while the distance between our feet lingered.Maybe I had you beside me all along...

Don't go,I sobbed when you said goodbye.

On the other line,I heard you sigh. I'll be back.

And that was all I really needed to hear.

I Don't Know How It Gets Better Than This ;)

Heeeey, good evening.

Rain is pelting the roofs right now,and I could not ask for more.Sitting in the dark even though lights are available, sipping Coke in a Raspberry Juice bottle so no one would be suspicious that I am drinking Coke even though I really am drinking Coke,and just...writing about my feelings. It's the best.

I'm talking to my friends on the internet. Until now,I still cannot believe that I have made friends through technology.I mean,I was never the type who just went around saying hi and felt comfortable about it.I was never comfortable with people,that's why I used to wonder why I took up HRM,when it is all about meeting and greeting and serving different kinds of people every single day.

Anyway,I have changed a lot since February.I cannot even look at myself in the mirror without smiling while studying my face.Look at you,you still look the same,but you are an entirely different person.I aspired to be a better version of myself,and I'd like to think that I have,in a way,achieved it.

I don't know how I can thank these people for coming into  my life,you know? They've always been here through ups and downs,even when I am moody and pissy. Looking back,I cannot imagine how I managed to live before I met them.It seems to me now like I have always known this life,but in reality,it has only been five months or so.It feels like forever.

Right now,in my life,I could not ask for more.I mean,sure,I do not have everything,but I do have anything I could ever ask for.As long as life goes on like this,with the people who mean the world to me,I promise I'd get by.I am just so happy right now,and there's no particular reason why.

I guess I have just realized that I have to take the good with the bad.Problems are always blessings in disguise. I really really really love life...