November was white, December is becoming gray.

 Today, I woke up to find one of our pet rabbits dead.

I'm struggling to find the right words to say here, as if it would make this feeling go away. As if would soothe the pain. As if it would make me forget the fact that I could almost hear my heart shattering to pieces.


When I came out of my room, Yeyey was on the sofa in the living room, crying. This rabbit was our favorite. I went out to see what happened, and found his dead body lying limp on top of the cage. My first thought was this: where do rabbits go when they die? And then I ran to my room crying, because I didn't know.

I've only felt like this once before, when our pet dog that I grew up with died. Even that was not a big deal for me. He was old, and I didn't see him dead. This is different.

Everyday, at least five times, I grab a pair of scissors, go out, and cut grass from the fields to feed them when my sister has forgotten to give them food. I would always rub his back as gently as I could because I knew that rabbits have delicate spines. I did that yesterday, rubbed his back, then his stomach, and felt something unusually rough and hard, which turned out to be his fur near his feet. It was very dirty.

My sister and I took them out of their cages to wash their feet. My sister took the pink one, and I took the black streaked one, and soaked its feet one by one in the water. By the time we finished, the pink one looked like it took a bath, so I told my sister that she should wipe it dry immediately because it might die. Its body felt so heavy, but the black streaked one was ok. It even snuggled on my lap, but when I gave it food, it didn't eat. In fact, it wasn't eating much the whole day yesterday.

So I put it back in the cage and rubbed its back, just like the usual. My sister put the pink one back not long after. This morning, I heard my grandma asking why Yeyey was crying. "Are you crying because of the dead rabbit? What can we do, he's dead." Very comforting. But I closed my eyes and asked, why? I remember praying for them last night. I wondered how my sister felt, because the pink one was her favorite.

Imagine my surprise when I went out and saw that the pink one was alive. I just felt like I couldn't hold myself together any longer. Here was a proof that I couldn't care for another being without hurting it. What did I do wrong this time?

I feel like puking right now, but my stomach feels empty. My whole body feels hollow. People might say it's just a rabbit, but it's a rabbit I've come to love. I used to read to it. I made him listen to music. I was always the first to applaud when he would show off and stand on his hind legs. I adored him. He was a very important part of my life. Now that he's gone, I ache all over because I already miss him.

I used to think people who cried when animals died were hilarious. Now, I understand.

Rest in peace, nameless rabbit. You'll always be my favorite. I love you, and there's a longing in my arms about the same size as you are. I miss you. I will forever miss you.